Step 1
It’s OK if you feel miserable right now. Just know everything will become a lot better.
It happened. And it hurts. It hurts like crazy. And it seems like there is nothing you can do about it. They say “Time heals everything” but sometimes, things seem to just get worse with time.
Maybe with each passing moment, you realize how much you love your ex more.
Maybe you find yourself sinking deeper and deeper in misery.
Maybe you can’t imagine yourself ever dating again or finding true happiness in your life.
Maybe you are already dating but can’t get your ex out of your mind.
Whatever, your situation is, the fact that you are reading this means that you have decided to do something about it. You have decided to get over your breakup and mend your broken heart. And that decision is going to change your life.
My name is KT, and I am here to help you in your decision to get from this point in life to the point where you will be completely over your ex and will be ready for all the happiness this world has to offer.
There will be a time when you will be glad you broke up.
You broke up because of a reason. You broke up because your relationship was broken. And even though you might feel completely devastated right now, you are going to get better. In fact, these dark times might just be the best opportunity for you to grow and be better than you’ve ever been.
It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it. No matter your age, your situation, your level of obsession with your ex, or your level of obsession with your past relationship, this will work for you.
The first step starts with realizing why it’s not the worst thing that has ever happened to you. You might think that you are in a dark place right now, but it’s just one perspective, if you look at things another way, you will see that it’s just not as bad.
You are like a kid in a candy store. You just don’t realize it yet.
You need to understand that this is a great time for you to be with yourself and give yourself time to grow. When you are in a relationship, you are accountable and dependent on each other (codependent or interdependent? We will find out later). And no matter how much you understood each other, you didn’t have the independence that you have now.
So for the first time in a long time, you are free to do whatever you want.
Yes, you can go to the bar and flirt with other people.
Yes, you can sleep at any time you want or wake up at any time you want.
Yes, you can watch whatever movie you want.
Yes, you can stay out as late as you want.
Yes, you can travel anywhere you want in the world, without having to worry about your SO.
You, my friend are completely free.
If you are saying something like
[quote]But I don’t want independence; I want to be with my ex again[/quote]
[quote]“I like the idea of all this, but I am so devastated I can hardly see myself enjoying any of those things.”[/quote]
[quote]“I don’t want to do all that in my life; I want to be in a relationship.”[/quote]
Then I understand what you feel. Believe me, I have been there. Just give it some time and go through this program. You will soon realize that this freedom is a great thing.
Let’s face it, if your relationship ended, it means it wasn’t working. Even if you thought it was working and your ex suddenly called it off, it means that they didn’t want to be with you, which again means that your relationship was broken.
Are you saying things like?
[quote]“I am not glad it’s over. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. And now it’s over. I can’t figure out why my ex doesn’t want to be with me.”[/quote]
[quote]“If only we could make it work. We tried, but all in vain.”[/quote]
[quote]“I want to make it work. But my ex doesn’t even want to try. If only I could convince them.”[/quote]
There are two possibilities.
1. One of you wanted to make it work, and the other one didn’t.
Do you really want a relationship where you are constantly put down by your partner?
Do you know what it’s like to be in a relationship where the other person doesn’t want to be with you?
There is a very good chance that it slowly turns into a toxic relationship. And then
You constantly feel insecure.
They start criticizing you and berating you constantly.
Your self-esteem is tremendously hurt
Every other aspect of your life (career, family, friends, and health) slowly starts to suffer just because you are in a toxic relationship.
So even if your ex broke it off all of a sudden, you should know that you have just avoided something much worse than a breakup. You’ve avoided a toxic relationship.
Isn’t that something to be glad about?
2. You both tried to make it work for a long time.
On the other hand, if you were in an unhappy relationship for a long time, and now that it’s finally over then deep inside you already know that it is for the greater good. No matter how much time you spent in the unhappy relationship, you’ve learned a great deal about life and now you are ready to move forward in life. Whatever good times and bad times you had, just take it as it is and learn how to move on.
In either case, you have a great opportunity right now to find the person who truly deserves you and create a relationship that you deserve. And that’s something to be glad about, which brings us to the third point
You will be dining and wining and doing all the couple stuff with someone who really appreciates you.
No matter how much time you spent in your past relationship, you can still find someone in your life. It doesn’t matter what your age is, or what your situation is. You can and will find the person you deserve. And it will be all worth it. Everything that happened in your life till now (your past relationship, the hurt you are going through, all the bad relationships till now, getting over your breakup) is going to lead you to rediscovering yourself and being truly happy. And then you will find someone who truly appreciates you for who you are.
Remember, I said you will find happiness and then find someone great. Possibly “the one”. You will not find someone and then happiness. If you are looking to find a person who will give you happiness, you are going to be disappointed.
If you jump into a relationship to get away from the pain you are feeling (or from anything else), chances are that relationship is also going to end up miserably. It’s absolutely fine to start dating any time you like. But I won’t recommend getting into a serious relationship until you are completely over your breakup.
So, get yourself together, realize that it’s an opportunity. Get ready to turn this lemon into lemonade and go on to step 2.
Hi Kevin, I have been in my relationship for 13-1/2 years, married for twelve with a 10 year old little boy. We were separated a year ago after several pretty bad fights in front of my son and I decided that this was not healthy for him and it was best to leave the house for a while and moved in with an old roommate while things settled down. At the time, we had recently purchased a new house (8 months earlier) and what she did was devastating. Two weeks after leaving the house, she rented out and moved to another house. I was given two weeks to get all of my things and was in a very bad financial and emotional state when this happened. She had decided that it was definitely time for her to move on with her life and I was pissed. After a few weeks I really started missing her and we soon started sleeping together, but I had a allot of resentment and felt that divorse was necessary and inevitable. The more time that went by, the more I realised that I wated to stay married and try to make things work, but every-time we got together, after sex, I felt like running away. I felt although we still loved each other, upset and resentful. I also felt that she was becoming distant and we were practically living seperate lives. She went out with her friends while I was home feeling sorry for myself. I had lost my business, I found out my mother had Alzheimer at 67 and over all very unhappy with my life. I also knew that my wife was despratly seeking to find someone else to forget about me, but I was thniing this may be good for us and that the more she went out, the more she might reliase that it would be worth trying to fix our marriage. We were not really takling to each other anymore, we were talking at each other. We had ok times when together, but I could not let go of the resentment. Needless to say, she filed for divorse and we continued seeing and sleeping with each other and were both not really pushing to get the divorse agreement done. In the back of my mind, I wanted our marriage to work, but the communication and resent frm both of us was putting a wall between. A month ago I found out that she had a new boyfriend. She recently got a new job and apparently one of her co-workers has been hiot on her trail. She is an Literature teach and apparently they have allot in common. This guy is also going through a divorce, so I imagine they are filling each others needs in a way I could not compete. They day I found out about her new boyfriend, I immateriality went to her house and did all the wrong things. I told her that I really loved her, that I released how wrong and stupid I have been and explained that I had allot of resentment towards her and promised that I would change. A month has now passed and I have begged, pleaded, cried and pushed her to the point where she has threaten to call the police and is dead set on staying on her new relationship. Since the guy is also in the final stages of his divorce and he lives with his parent, he is now practically living with her. She has promised me that he will not be sleeping over with our son in the house, but I know she has and it is killing me. I know for a fact, that he sleeps there overnight since they started gong out when I have my son and they just got back from a weekend in Orlando. I know she still loves me, but she knows she has to cut all communication with me other than it relates to our son. DO you think there is still a chance? I am prepared to do whatever it takes and have read thorough your guide. I also read Relationship Rewind, which has very similar advise and I know I have to let her go for now. I hope it is not to late and if the chance may arise am concerned in controlling my emotions.
Hey Jorge,
I think you have a chance, but I want you to prepare yourself for the worst. I hope I could tell you, you had a good chance, but the sad reality is, the odds are against you. Your best bet is to follow the advise in Relationship Rewind and if it doesn’t work, you should accept that it’s over and move on. I wish you the best.
today is our 2nd anniversary but its been a month since he disappear without any warnings and reason…i off all the possible contacts that’s he going to use …but Mr.Kevin i don’t know how to end this pain ..thank you for this article….i know he love me not the way i love him ..i give him everything ….:( i wish one day am gonna be ok again:(
Hi Kevin. I think I know the answer to this already but I guess I’m just not ready to know. I was in a pretty intense relationship for almost 4 months. I was crazy about him and he about me. I got on incredibly well with his teenage kids and everything seemed to be going well. we were very compatible and we had loads of chemistry. At times I did feel that he had the potential to take me for granted every now and then but then he could be so caring and sweet. He broke up with me last Friday saying that he doesn’t think he loves me, has doubts etc. I realise that he was rebounding after his last girlfriend, who was his rebound after his marriage ended over a year ago. he has admitted that he does still have feelings for his last girlfriend but knows that they do not work. he says he didn’t realise he wasn’t ready and what he needs is time and he hopes we can be friends in the future. he is now living a few hours away from me as he has gone back to college. As I am most definitely his rebound after his last rebound, is there any chance for us to get back together? I have to meet him next week to get some things he borrowed from me back. after that I will cut contact with him and for once put some time and energy into myself. but I guess I would love if there was some hope for us in the future. I still have very strong feelings for him.
Hey Kevin,
I was in a relationship for 4 years I thought the relationship was going great and that everything was fine, until me and my ex got into a little argument which led to our breakup. I was extremely happy with her and from what she portrayed she was the happiest she’s ever been. This girl used to do so much for me and would put me infront of her all the time. I used to do a lot for her too but I didn’t pay attention to her little needs which is where I failed, she wanted me to change certain things about me and be more outgoing and spontaneous but I didn’t see it as big of a deal as she did till we broke up. When the breakup she told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and did not wanna give us another chance which hurt like hell. Week later I found out that she was taking to another guy, she was actually taking advice from this guy for the last month or so. Every time we had a little argument she would go to him crying and telling him the situation which I didn’t know till later. When I found out she was taking to him I cursed her out really bad and made her feel like crap, I know it’s wrong but I was very angry and betrayed, day later I apologized but I don’t know how she took it, I’ve found out that she’s like in love with this guy and it hurts a lot that she moved on that quick. It’s been about a month after the break up I haven’t spoke with her in like a week I still love her a lot and it’s the person I want to be with but she wants nothing to do with me, other than friends, is there any chance of me getting her back? Or this the end of the road for me? I don’t really want to let go because I know I screwed up but I’m whiling to change.
Thanks Kevin for all your advice and this great course you have put together for people like me who feel after a break-up that it’s really the end of the world and in my case as most the pain is so strong I nearly came close to ending it all I felt that I constantly had this twisted knife plunged into my chest.
My ex had me feel I was losing my mind as he constantly made me feel that he was having an affair and when I confronted him he would go into a shouting rage saying I was twisting his head and it turned out that everything I was suspicious about I was absolutely right.
When I met my ex 3.5 years ago he had a serious drinking problem, no job as he couldn’t hold a job down and was suffering from post traumatic stress after leaving the Armed Forces 3 years before that. I picked him up got him on the straight and narrow got him to hold down a job his drinking became controlled. He seemed to worship the ground I walked on but he was caught out talking filthy to loose type women on facebook and then he stopped that and then a year after that a woman accused him of pestering her to go out with him and he denied this and I believed him to an extent as his lies are amazingly realistic and then earlier this year we had a stupid arguement and split up and 2 months later he was in touch with me first by sending me a missing you card and I ignored it then 2 weeks later he rang my home as I had changed my mobile and he was begging me to take him back. I said we would see how it went and do it slowly but I still didn’t trust him.
He had started to mess up at work and beings he was an hearse driver and getting confused where he driving when he was driving the deceased wasn’t good, I was told the few weeks before I agreed to see him that he was seriously losing the plot and then 3 weeks after that a woman who was the most manly woman you have ever seen contacted me and told me they had been having an affair since August last year a week before we went away on holiday. Ironically the woman he had an affair with worked at the same company he did and was a limo driver taking families to their loved ones funerals. He lied telling her he used to live with me it was our home and he used to work on a cruise ship which was one of his imaginery lies. He told her I never supported him with everything he had gone through when in fact I got him out the gutter and she started to help him. When he was confrontedby ne and the other woman he denied it happening and then he said it was only once and they were going mad at each other then he started telling her she was obsessed with him and begging me not to believe her and that he needed me and loved me and I just left them to it. He pestered me for days and I ignored him and it hurt like mad, it hurts like made and he is in my head all the time and our relationship wasn’t all bad but it certainly wasn’t good and I felt unhappy most the time but don’t understand why it hurts so much.
Anyway sorry for going on, that’s only part of my story I have left alot out as there is too much too tell.
Everyday I look forward to your daily e-mail and just want to say a massive Thank-you to you Kevin.
Your’s most greatfully
Teresa.
Hello, Kevin.
Thank you so much for this article. I think my boyfriend is about to dump me because of an argument we had when I was depressed.
I told him the wrong thing, I shouldn’t have told him that I felt like killing myself, but I did and he almost hates me for it. He thinks I’m suicidal and mentally disturbed, I wish I hadn’t told him And kept my mouth shut but I think he sees me as obsessive and a lunatic now. I wouldn’t wish for anyone to see me that way.
I’m preparing for my goodbye.
Yours,
Xuemei
Hello Kevin,
I really need your help. I broke up with my girlfriend, but I want her back. And this is not because I’m felling devastated with the possibility of losing her it is because I really want her back. I mean I already thought to move on and I’m sure if want to I could do it but I don’t. Anyways, I broke up with her because we had been without seeing each other for more than 2 weeks. Partly was my fault, but we both have a busy life. Most of our relationship was through text messages. She has a daughter and she works a lot so we could see each other only in the weekends. Well, things were changing to better, but I had to study for my tests and at the same time she started to have problems with her ex about her daughter. All this make us to be 2 weeks without seeing each other. As soon as I was completely free to see her again she was with a lot of problems in her life and she is very proud of herself so she did not let me know. I was feeling that she was not giving me attention and I was feeling so bad because I could not stop thinking about what was going on. Finally, we had a conversation and we broke up by text messages, this make me feel so bad. I could not even listen her reasons and stuff. She said that she loved me, but she was having a harsh time and she was sorry for not giving me attention. So, since this day I text her 3 times I did not said that I was planning to get her back but i said that I still wanting to see her and talk. She said yes, but you know, no appointment. Then I tried to go to her house but her mum was there at the time, I told her that I went there and she said that she would meet me this weekend. But today is sunday and nothing. I want to say the truth to her, I was ignoring her problems and putting mines is the first place. I was being selfish, and I know that we could be together and be happy. She tried to reach me sometimes before we brake up but I ignored her cause I wanted call her attention. I have to know if is better wait and see if she comes to me or I have to go and say that I want her back. Should I text her ? This is making me crazy.
Hi Kevin. I’ve found going through the worksheet process really helpful and I want to thank you. I’ve been in this on/off relationship for 20 years and have kept myself connected to him because I’m really quite co-dependent. This year I’ve seen the truth about the relationship and although hard, I know it’s the best thing for me to move on and never return. In the past I’ve compromised myself and ignored the manipulation and deceit that has gone on. I’ve seen only the good and ignored my intuition about what is not right. Now I choose to honor my intuition and do right by me. Maybe I actually believe I am worthy of genuine love and respect now? He’s not into me at all, he’s lied to me for years and is happy to run me down to his friends and my family. I’ve had enough. I deserve better than that and I’ll work on myself for as long as I have to until I love myself enough to never allow that kind of energy in my space. Thanks for your support. F
Dear Kevin,
American married since 4 years in relationship for 5 years , over night my husband texted me aski my for divorce a
, yes over night , we had no particular fights we loved each other more than anything , at least for my part in do, he didn’t give any reasonable reason , we have kids together he didn’t give any chance for any communication, he is filling the divorce which will be for end of this month, I was devastated shocked and even went to the emergencies over my shock , all am thinking about is how to raise my kids how to raise them in a way that they will not be affected by this divorce, deep inside me i cannot accept this divorce deep inside me i still love him despite everything, I shouldn’t but I do even if am hurt deeply, and deep inside I know that he loved me and probably still love me cause we cannot hate overnight , am lost duno what to do.
I olso did a bad thing what ive just telled u i got so upst i couldent belive it i started textin theese horible. nasty messages (im the one that has asked what could ave caused my now ex partner go right off me and turn the most hatred against me i mean ive been cheated on many times in the past in fact every relshionship ive had since 12years every girl freind thet all cheated but none ov them have so much nasty hatred against me and the last time i acutully saw my now my ex was tuesday morning can u tell me plz why she would have sundenly been that way with me
ill have to say again what i wrote in search i set of to my flat first to get my shopping and while i was having a cuppa in town i text her but no reply from her so i got my shopping then went home to clean it up but when i left my sister arived to clean up for her so i text her but no reply i got home at 12:00 dinner time had a coffee then rang her no answer so i left it for a wee bit then rang her she answerd and said she said she was out having something to eat on her own i heard a couple off guys in the background i took her word for it then she said ill ring u back so i waited i went into the bathroom to get freshand up then she rang me i taled with her a wee tiny bit she said she had to get off so i left it again then i rang her a couple off times then she rang me and had just reiliesd that we wasnt going to my mums so she said i know i wanted space but ill miss your company why dont u set off back to myn i said i was tierd with nearly all the cleaning so i said ill leave it 4-5hours later i ran her i knew she wanted to splitt up with me and that she dosent fancy me anymore and that she did not want to be with me anymore and she has got now so much hatred now for me wich i havent why my head is gettiing bafald so much