I know it sucks and I know you feel like that there is nothing more important in your life than getting your ex girlfriend back. I have been in your shoes and that’s why I’ve written this guide to get you through this difficult time. But before we begin, you should know there is no guarantee that you will get your ex girlfriend back. We will however, increase your chances by tenfolds.
You probably feel like you’d do anything to get your ex girlfriend back, don’t you?
Let me tell you a little about myself. After my breakup, I read tons of books on breakups, female and male psychology and getting your ex back. And I’ve been helping people with breakups for the past two years. This guide is an accumulation of two years of experience in helping people with breakups. It will tell you literally everything you need to know about getting your girlfriend back. You will have the knowledge and a plan that you need to TAKE ACTION on. If even after reading this, you insist on sticking to your old ways, then no one can help you. You have to follow what this article says and you will not only become a more confident and attractive man for your ex girlfriend, you will also discover yourself along the way.
To make it easy I have divided this guide into four steps. Each step is crucial and you must go through each step and be confident enough before moving on to the next one.
What you will learn in this guide
– A step by step plan to get her back
– A look into your relationship and why you broke up
– A look into yourself and why you are not attractive to her anymore
– A look into your future and what you want from your dating life
– A view on life and relationship that will keep her around forever
I know you want to get your ex girlfriend back fast and end the pain instantly. I know you wish there was a magic button you can press that will make your ex girlfriend come back in your arms right away. But it isn’t so. It’s a challenge. And you have to work through it. You have to man up and go through the pain and emotions and work to get her back. I can only guide you. But you will have to face your fears, your pain, your emotions, your jealousy, your guilt, your anger, and everything else you will feel during this process. In the end, you just have to remember that you must stay strong. You have to stop yourself from becoming the needy, desperate, sorry excuse for a man that you were when your girlfriend left you.
OK, all that might have been a little harsh, but it is the truth. At least in most of the cases. One of the reasons girls leave is because somewhere along the lines, their boyfriends stop being a man for them. They become somewhat needy and desperate. I know it might not necessarily be your case and we will go through the reasons in step 3. Right now, just understand that everything will not be over in a second and you will have to work and possibly go through a lot of pain to get her back.
Step 1 – Stop Making These Obvious Mistakes
The first step of this plan is a list of deadly horrible mistakes that will push your ex girlfriend (and possibly every other female) a mile away. But the worst part is, these mistakes are almost like a natural reaction after a breakup. Every inch of your body will tell you to do these mistakes and to the broken heart, these look like the logical thing to do.
BUT IT’S NOT. Even if you have done these mistakes already, you have to stop instantly. Whatever damage you might’ve done till now can still be repaired if you just stop doing them right now. Alright? OK, let’s move to these mistakes
1. Calling and Texting Your Ex
“Hey, I just wanted to ask how are you?” TRANSLATION -“Hey, I miss you and can’t live without you. Can you come back?”
You always want to call your ex and text them telling them how much you love them. It’s not attractive and to be honest, after a while it becomes very irritating for your ex. You don’t want them to think of you as someone who just calls them constantly despite them telling you not to do it anymore. You just have to understand that no good can come from calling your ex. At least not right after the breakup. She needs her space and so do you. Breakup leaves you with a lot of emotions and thoughts to process. Trying to get her to call you back, or just constantly asking what she is doing is only going to make you look desperate in her eyes.
2. Begging Her to Come Back
I don’t know why, but it’s the most common advice that people give to guys who want their ex girlfriend back. Somehow, people think that girls like guys begging to be with them. Not true. Especially so after a breakup. Girls actually hate guys who beg them to be with them. Why? Well, begging shows desperation. And desperation is not attractive.
Besides, begging her is not going to work since you two are not in a relationship anymore. If you were, and you had done some terrible mistake, you could’ve begged for her forgiveness. But this isn’t the same situation after a breakup. If she has already decided to leave you, then begging will not change her mind. In fact, it’s only going to make her think that her decision to leave you was the right one.
3. Agreeing To All Her Conditions
I knew this guy who was ready to leave his job, his career, and move to another city and join college just to be with his ex. What do you think happened to him? She said no. In fact, she told him that “you are not right for me, and I want to find someone else who is more suitable for me.”
If you are agreeing to everything your ex says, then you are just showing how much desperate you are to be with her. Moreover, you are showing to her, that your life, your career, your ambition and your values mean nothing in front of her. As romantic as it may sound, it’s actually quite the opposite. Nobody wants a person who doesn’t have any ambition, any goals, any values, or any boundaries in his life. No girl wants a slave who would do anything for her. They all want a king.
4. Telling Her How Much You Love Her
“Maybe if I carve it on the tree outside her house, she will believe me.” – The creepy ex boyfriend
Let me make it easier for you. She already knows that you love her. If she left you for the reason that “you don’t love her anymore”, then you can rest assured that bombarding her with “i love you texts” will not convince her. In fact, no romantic gesture (even the non-creepy ones) right now will make her believe that you love her. It’s only going to make you look desperate to be with her. She is going to assume that you just want what you can’t have and everything you do is because of your narcissistic personality.
So, there is no point in telling her how much you love her or how much you miss her, or how much you can’t live without her. Simply because it’s not going to help you in anyway. There is a time to say all those things but it’s not now. Trust me. I’ve been there.
5. Freaking Out When She Dates Someone Else
Well, you two broke up. So she has all the right in the world to go out with other guys. I know how much it hurts to imagine her in someone else’s arms, but that’s life. And you have to deal with the pain.
When my girlfriend started dating someone after the breakup, it felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. But, in the end, the relationship ended and we got back together. The same thing happened to thousands of guys that I’ve helped over the years. (If you want to read more about what to do in this situation, Read: How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back Even If She Has Another Boyfriend)
The fact is, her new relationship is a rebound relationship. And it’s not going to last. In fact, almost 90% of the rebound relationships end pretty soon. She is in a relationship because leaving you left a huge hole in her life and she is trying to fill it with someone else. Of course, she will soon realize that jumping into another relationship is not going to fill that hole and she will end the relationship again.
I know the guy she is dating is a scumbag. But there is no point in telling her. Let her realize it on her own.
The only thing you need to be careful about is to not freak out when you find out. Don’t call her. Don’t call her new boyfriend. Don’t do something stupid that you will regret later. I know it’s painful but you have to deal with the pain without making a fool of yourself. In fact, if you ever see both of them together, you should act cool. That’s the only thing you can do that will increase your chances of getting your ex girlfriend back. If you try to tell her that he is wrong for her, you are just going to make her want to date that guy for even longer.
Note: I know that for many guys it’s a lot harder to deal with when you find out your ex is sleeping with someone else, especially if you are in love with her. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it other than accept it. Look at this way, she slept with other guys before you and she will sleep with other guys after you. However, her having sex with someone is not as big a deal as you make it in your mind. It didn’t bother you if she had sex before she met you, so why should it bother you if she has sex with someone after she broke up with you? I know it’s easier said than done but try to not let this bother you.
6. Getting Stuck In the Friend zone
This happens to a lot of guys after a breakup. They think if they become friends with their ex girlfriends and listen to all her problems, she will eventually get attracted to you again and want to come back. Again, it’s a really really bad decision. You don’t want to be left in the friend zone. You will be stuck hearing her complain about the guys she dates while you are feeling miserable inside. Being in friend zone with an ex you are in love with is a terrible idea and you should not fall into that. You have to be friendly with her and you will at one point ask her to be friends again, but make sure you don’t become her sexless friend.
OK. So that wraps up the first step. If you’ve already made all these mistakes, don’t fret. The damage done can still be controlled. All you have to do is follow the rest of the steps carefully, and without making any mistake. It’s going to get a lot harder because here comes no-contact.
Step 2 – No Contact
This step is simple, but it’s not easy. In fact, it might be the hardest thing you’ll have to do since you broke up. You just don’t contact her. Whatever happens, just don’t contact her. You feel like just telling her that you miss her, don’t contact her. You feel like just asking her how she is doing, don’t contact her. You feel like asking her the recipe of that delicious pancakes she used to make, DON’T CONTACT HER.
Your phone can be your biggest enemy at this time. Don’t give in to the temptation.
Why are we stopping contact with her? For three main reasons.
1. So you don’t seem desperate and needy anymore. Every time you contact her, she makes herself believe that you are miserable without her and can’t live without her (and rightfully so). Even if you act all nonchalant and cool, she will still think like this.
2. It will give her time to miss you. In fact, if you stop contacting her, I can almost guarantee that she will contact you after a while. She is going to miss you after the breakup. It’s the nature of breakup. And it’s also going to make her doubt her decision of breaking up. If you keep calling her, you will never let her miss you enough to doubt her decision.
3. The third and the most important reason for no contact is you. It will give you the space and time to process all the emotions and the thoughts that you are left after the breakup. Let’s be honest, if you are anything like me, then you are a mess right now. And you have to give yourself time to pull yourself together and become that attractive man again that she fell in love with the first time. And it’s not going to happen if you are in contact with her. Why? Well, because every time you contact her or she contacts you, you start obsessing over the conversation and the breakup and your relationship with her. And your obsession is so strong that you can’t concentrate on anything else.
You just have to stay no-contact with her till the time you can handle communications with her and still make progress in your life. You have to reach a point where you value your happiness, your life goals, and your mental peace more than her. You have to reach a point where you love yourself more than her.
Every time you contact her, you become one step closer to becoming this guy.
So how long should you stay no-contact with her? Well, it depends on two things. How long it takes you to pull yourself together and become a happy and confident guy. And how long it takes her to forget all the negativity of the breakup and start missing you. There is no written rule for it but around 1-2 months is a good start if you had a rough breakup. On the other hand, if you compare the ugliness of the breakup to Mickey Rourke and your creepiness afterwards to Steve Buscemi; then I’ll suggest you stay in no contact for a little while longer.
What if she contacts you during no-contact?
I know it’s hard, but you have to try and not pick up her phone when she calls. If she texts you, then do not reply to her texts. You must do this for at least 30 days. After that, even if you are still in the no-contact period, you can (only if you choose to) pick up her calls. No texting is allowed at all in the no contact period.
If you do choose to pick up her calls, here are a few tips that you can use.
-You must keep the conversation short and polite.
–Don’t talk about your feelings, your relationship or the breakup.
-You just have to let her know that you are doing well without her and you are not interested in making the conversation personal. Talk to her like an acquaintance that you are in good terms with.
-It’s a good idea to talk about your common friends and the activities you have been doing.
-Try to keep the conversation less than 15 minutes long.
What if you work together?
You don’t want the breakup to mess with your career. The best way you can apply no-contact in this situation is you don’t talk to her unless it’s absolutely necessary and its work related. You can have a casual “Hello” or “how are you” here and there but try to keep the conversation as less as possible. Also, make sure you don’t let the breakup take a toll on your career. Try to give your best at work and it will only help increase your chances of reconciliation.
What if she is in the same class?
If you are in school or in college and you have to see her everyday in class, you can still apply no-contact. You don’t really have to talk to her in class and you don’t have to talk to her outside class. Just go to your class and hang out with your friends. If you have common friends, stay away from them for a while and make new ones. (Note: If you are still in high school Read: Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back If You Are In High School – Tips For Teenagers)
What if you have a child together?
OK, the same rules apply. You can talk to your ex-girlfriend or ex-wife as long as the conversation is strictly related to the child. Be cordial and nice, and always help her whenever she needs it. As long as your communication is related to your child, you are good to go. You will have to obviously see her every once in a while. When you do, make sure you are in a good mood and you look good. Don’t talk about anything personal for a while and soon you will be ready to get her back.
Step 3 – Working On Yourself
This is the part of the plan where you have to learn to take care of yourself without your ex-girlfriend and start being a happy and confident guy; not the needy, desperate imbecile who was ready to do anything just so a girl would accept to be with him. You are going to work on becoming an attractive man, not just to get your ex girlfriend back, but for yourself. Because that’s what you are. Because somewhere along in the relationship, you stopped being attractive to your girlfriend. And now, it’s time for you to take control of your life back and get everything you want.
First of all, you need to understand that you will feel a lot of emotions during this period. You will feel guilt, anger, depression, sadness, loneliness, shock, confusion, denial, fear, jealousy, love and even hate during no-contact. You have to learn to deal with these emotions in a healthy way. Let them come and go. It’s part of a breakup. You just have to make sure that you don’t contact your ex girlfriend during no contact. And you have to take care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally.
After my breakup, I was such a mess that I had no idea when I was eating, when I was sleeping and what I was doing with my life. I’d literally wake up in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes. Yeah, I admit it. I know it wasn’t the manliest moment of my life. But it happened and I dealt with it. I didn’t call her and told her how miserable I was. And to be honest it all paid off in the end.
Taking Care of Your Physical Self
I know that sometimes, all you want to do is just lay in bed, watching TV or just sit on your couch and play video games all day long. But that’s not going to help you get her back. It will be hard in the starting but you have to go out there and do some physical activity to keep yourself fit. Here are a few things you to keep yourself physically fit.
Go To the Gym
Seriously, get in shape. It’s going to make you more attractive and it’s going to make you happier. Working out releases chemicals that reduces stress and makes you happy. It’s not only good for your physical health, but your mental health as well.
Play Any Sport You Like
When was the last time you played baseball, or basketball or football? If you like playing some sport, then this is a great time for you to get into it. Not only it’s a great work out, it’s also great way to socialize and hang out with your friends. Besides, playing sports is only going to give you attraction points in your ex’s eyes.
Take Care of Your Diet
Choose a meal of fruits and vegetables instead of a big bowl of ice cream.
Seriously, eat right. Don’t put crap in your body and your body is going to love you for it. If you smoke, then there is no better time to stop smoking. I know smoking gives the illusion of relieving stress, but in reality it’s only making you more stressed. There have been numerous researches on it. And if you do quit smoking, it’s going to show your ex that you are making positive changes in your life and that’s definitely going to make her second guess her decision of breaking up.
Do Yoga, Meditation etc.
Even if you have never tried it before, do yoga and meditation. It’s great for your mental peace and you are going to learn a lot about yourself and your body while doing it. You are going to become more aware about yourself and it’s only going to make you more confident and happy.
Taking Care Of Your Mental and Emotional State
Your mind is at a very fragile state right now. You will be obsessing over your ex and going through a lot of emotions. At this time, it is very important that you take care of your mental and emotional state. Here are a few things that you must do.
1. Do The Things You Enjoy
Do things that relax you and you enjoy. It will take your mind away from your ex and will help you heal from the breakup as well. It could be anything like playing video games or playing the guitar, to building model airplanes.
2. Go Out With Your Friends
Sometimes relationships make us alienated from our friends. This is a great time to catch up with your friends and have some fun with them. Go out with your friends as much as you can and force yourself to socialize even if you don’t want to. It’s hard to obsess over your ex if you are surrounded by people who love and appreciate you.
Remember your buddies? They never broke your heart and made you miserable. Why don’t you give them a call?
3. Go Out On a Date
A fund date will do you more for your confidence than a thousand pushups.
Now, I am not asking you to sleep with every girl that comes your way. But try to go out and meet new women. I know dating is a scary territory to wander in. But it can also be an enjoyable experience if you go in with a light heart and without any expectations. Going out on a date is going to help you in many ways.
–It will help you realize that you are a fun and attractive guy. This will help you boost your ego and increase your self confidence.
– It will help you realize that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone who is much better than your ex for you. Perhaps, you will realize that you are just putting your ex on a pedestal for no reason.
– It’s going to make your ex jealous. Believe me, your ex is trying to figure out what you are upto and they will find out that you are putting yourself out there. Sometimes, jealousy is a powerful motivator for your ex girlfriend to want to come back.
4. Building up Your Self Confidence
You must work on your confidence and self-esteem. Try to highlight your attractive qualities and forget about everything unattractive you have. No one is perfect and we all have to play with the cards we are dealt with. Use your strengths and learn to live with your weakness. Accept yourself for who you are and be proud of it. There is nothing more attractive than a guy who accepts and embrace himself completely. Be that guy.
Confidence is the most attractive trait that a man can have. Girls love a confident guy. Remember, confidence isn’t something that people are born with. It can be learned. For starters, have goals in your life and work towards them. Start working out and be in the best shape of your life. Knowing you are in good shape is going to make you more attractive. Be more aware of yourself, your needs, your desires, your weakness and don’t be ashamed of anything in you. I could write a lot more in this section but I am going to leave it at this, love yourself and everything in you. And soon the entire world will love you.
5. Accepting The Breakup
OK, I know this article is about how to get your ex girlfriend back. But there is something you need to accept right now. The relationship you had with your ex girlfriend is over. You’ve already lost her. You can get her back, but that will be a new relationship.
Remember, you have nothing to lose, since you have already lost her. Even if she doesn’t come back, you are still going to live a happy and fulfilling life. You DON’T NEED her in your life, YOU WANT HER. If you don’t get what you want, you still carry on with your life with your head held high and a smile on your face.
Analyzing Your Relationship
This is also a great time to analyze your life and your relationship. Wanting to get your ex back is like a knee-jerk reaction after a breakup. But it’s not always a right decision. I know you might feel like she is the one, and you love her with all your heart and you can’t live without her. But all that is just your breakup brain talking. Your breakup brain is a state of mind which will do anything to avoid dealing with the pain of breakup. Well guess what, you get her back or not, you will have to go through this pain. Since there is no way you can avoid this pain, let’s first make sure that you are getting back with her for the right reason.
How was your relationship with her?
Seriously, think about it. If you are just answering that it was great and she was perfect, it’s still your breakup brain talking. Think harder. What was wrong with the relationship? What were the negative qualities of your ex? Is it something you can live with for the rest of your life? Were you really happy in a relationship with her?
You are making a life altering decision over here. For many people this decision is something like this
I don’t know anything. I just know I want her back. I can’t live without her. I just want her to love me and be with me. That’s the only thing I am sure of in my life. Everything else, I will figure out later.
While, that may be a good line in a cheesy romantic movie; it’s not a good reason to rekindle a dead relationship which was making both of you miserable.
Think of the reason why you broke up. Since you two broke up, it must something major and it probably can’t be fixed easily. For the sake of this article, let’s go over some of the common reasons for breakups
1. You had a fight and it lead to a breakup.
Couples fight. But if it leads to a breakup, then there was something wrong with the relationship. Most of the time, girls already decide to breakup and they just use the fight as an excuse to breakup. It could be that she was not happy in the relationship and just couldn’t find a reason for the breakup.
Chances of Getting Her Back.
In this situation, it’s definitely possible to reignite the spark and get her back.
Should You Get Her Back?
However, you must realize that she is someone who has a major communication problem. Either she was not happy with you, or you two had a fight; in either case, she decided to end the relationship instead of talking about it rationally. If you want to have a relationship in the future then you both need to work on your communication skill. If you want to spend your life with this girl, she must learn to communicate her problems and so should you. If you really think she is a person who can accept this and work on her, then you should get back together.
2. She wanted to explore her options
This usually happens with younger girls, just out of school or college. She realizes that she has not discovered herself yet and she should probably break up with her boyfriend and explore a little more. The reason for breakup is pretty clear.
Chances of Getting Her Back
It will be a little hard for you since she is going to go out there and get involved with other guys. However, if you two had a good relationship together, then you still have a pretty solid chance.
Should You Get Her Back?
It’s quite simple. She wants to discover herself. You should let her do it. If she stays in a relationship with you, she is going to have this in the back of her mind for the rest of her life. And she will leave you sooner and later. But if she does go out there, and learn that her life is better with you, she will come back and never leave again. So, yes if she comes back, it’s a good idea to be with her. At least, she is honest about herself and her expectations in life. She might be confused, but she is honest. Although, you should never force this one to come back to you. Let it be her idea.
3. There was no spark in relationship. Dead relationship. She wanted more.
Here is the thing. Girls need to be constantly admired for their beauty and they need to have at least some sort of attraction with their boyfriends. If your relationship went completely stale, she might leave you in search of happiness and excitement.
Chances of Getting Her Back?
Pretty good. Since its just attraction that she has lost, it will be easy to build it up. This guide will work like a charm in this case.
Should You Get Her Back?
Again, there is a communication problem. She could have explained her feelings to you and you both would have worked on this. But instead, she chose to bail. Still, you can give her the benefit of the doubt since she was confused and she probably discussed the problem with her friends. Some girls usually think that attraction is just something they feel and there is nothing you can do about it. And it’s hard to tell your boyfriend that you are not attracted to him anymore without breaking up. So, yes, even though leaving you wasn’t the perfect decision, from her point of view it made sense. I think getting her back in this case is going to be a good decision. But if you do, you have to understand that you’ll always have to be on top of your game and work on maintaining the love and attraction between you two.
4. Some Major Difference in Opinion/ Life Goals
Then, there can be the case where she wanted something else in life and you wanted something else. Maybe she wanted marriage or kids that you weren’t ready for. She decided that it was more important for her to get married or have kids than be with you.
Chances of Getting Her Back.
Excellent chances. All you have to do is agree to what she wants and she will come back.
Should you Get Her Back?
Absolutely not. Since you want something completely different in your life, you must stick to the decision of breaking up. If you do get her back, you will regret it for the rest of your life. It’s better to go through the pain of breaking up and find someone whose life goals and opinions match with yours.
5. You cheated on her
S
o, you were out with your friends, you met this cute girl, you started drinking and before you know it, BAM you cheated on your girlfriend. Well, she found out and now you are here, reading this long ass article about how to get your ex girlfriend back; hoping there will be something for a cheating sleaze ball like you(no offense, I am just using the words she used while breaking up with you).
Chances of Getting Her Back.
You will be glad to hear it, but your chances are pretty good. But only if you clean up your act and never do it again. You just need to give her some time to forgive you. It also depends on how much she was into you. If she was heavily invested in you, she will find a way to forgive you and accept you in her life. However, if it was just a casual relationship and you have been together for a short while, your chances are pretty slim, since she will rather invest her time and energy on someone who didn’t cheat on her.
Should You Get Her Back?
OK, since you cheated on her, you have to ask yourself why you did it. Were you not satisfied with her? Or are you the type of person who always cheats on his girlfriend? Maybe you are not a one women man. Maybe you need to be with different girls for your happiness? Hey, I am not judging. But if you are like this, you are probably better off being in an open relationship or just have multiple casual relationships. You must be honest to yourself about who you are and what you want in life. Only then, you can find a relationship that will keep you happy.
On the other hand, if this was just a onetime occurrence, and you just did it because you were drunk or you were to tempted; then you have to consider the fact that it will extremely tough to build trust with her again. You will have to be completely transparent about everything for a while. If she decides to give it another chance, you will have to be cool with her checking your phone, your emails and your computer for a while. Once she starts to trust you again, you can again have your privacy, but her trust will never be a 100% again. Do you think it’s really worth it? If so, then you should go ahead and try to get her back.
What If You Broke Up With Her?
On the other hand, there are times when you are the one who broke up with your girlfriend and you want her back. However, this time she doesn’t want to get back together. You feel like you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life but you can’t do anything to rectify it.
Chances of Getting Her Back.
In this case, first of all, stop blaming yourself. There is still hope to get your ex girlfriend back. You just need to follow this article. Whatever the reason you broke up for, you have a pretty good chance.
Should You Get Her Back?
If you broke up with her, then chances are, you want to get her back just because you miss her or because you feel lonely. I’ll highly recommend that you stop all contact with her and start working on becoming happy without her. If you get past all this emotional phase of the breakup, and you still want her back, only then you should try to reconcile.
(Note: To read more about what to do if you broke up with your girlfriend, Read: How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back If YOU broke up with her?)
Your Life Goals And Accepting The Breakup
After my breakup, there were times where I just felt like the only thing I want in my life is her. Nothing else matters. But that wasn’t really true. In fact, I had a lot of goals in my life at that moment which I was totally ignoring because I was just obsessed about my ex-girlfriend. Now, I know you really want her back in your life. And that’s cool. But you also need to understand that your life is more than this relationship.
What do you want to accomplish in your life. If you said “Get my ex-girlfriend back”, then consider this. Is the purpose of your life really just this much? Don’t you think your life needs to bigger, better, more meaningful than this?
You must start imagining a future without your ex in it. You must accept that there is a chance that you will never get her back. Do you still see yourself happy? Do you still lead a happy and meaningful life? Your life should not revolve around your ex. You must find your goals and work on achieving them. It could be small or big, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s meaningful to you and it makes you want to get up in the morning.
You also need to develop a mentality that there is an abundance of love and happiness out there. Your happiness and your love does not start and end with your ex. Even if things don’t work out with her, there will still be many opportunities for love and happiness in your life. You just need to be open to accepting them. Until you keep on obsessing over your ex, those opportunities will never come to you. But if you decide to open yourself to everything this world has to offer, you will receive love and happiness and everything else that you ever wanted.
Be open to the opportunities around you. Say YES to life.
Once you have developed this attitude, you are ready to move on to Step 4.
Step 4 – Contact Her Again
After you’ve finished the no-contact period, it’s time for you to start contact with her again. There are many ways to do this, but in my experience, the best way to do it is by using a hand written letter followed by text messages.
Why a hand written letter?
I know it might sound a little strange, but it does stand out.
Simply because it stands out in this world of digital communication. Also, it gives a little personal touch to your message. However, instead of a hand written letter, you can use an email or a simple text message. But, it’s best to use text messages after sending an initial letter or email.
What do you write in the letter?
The letter needs to be short explaining how you have accepted the breakup and you also think that it’s for the best. It can be followed by a little something extra to get her curious.
There are four things you need to mention in the letter.
1. Agree with the breakup.
2. Tell her that you both need some space right now.
3. If you are doing something new or something exciting in your life, tell her about it.
4. Apologize for your creepy or inappropriate behavior that might have happened after the breakup.
Here is a sample letter.
Hey Jude,
I just wanted to let you know that I am finally at peace with the breakup. Come to think about it, I saw it coming.
Also, I think I should apologize for the way I acted after the breakup. It was inappropriate and disrespectful.
Oh and BTW, I wanted to tell you that something exciting happened to me recently. I’d love to talk to you about it, but now is not the right time. We both need some time and space right now.
-Kevin
After the letter, chances are your ex will contact you and maybe even want to meet you. If she does, it’s great. You can go on to the next step and take it from there. If not, it’s time to start rebuilding attraction using text messages.
Now, these text messages don’t work unless you have completely stopped texting her prior to this. You have to use these text messages as something exciting. Don’t use the text messages for anything other than rebuilding attraction. That means no arguing over text messages, no boring talk, and no meaningless messages. You want her to associate text messages from you as something exciting, something fun and something positive. You want her to start craving a text message from you when she is feeling down. Any negative conversation via text messages is going to serve you against that purpose.
The key to using text messages is to start slowly and move on to more intimate stuff.
A good way to start is to use something that you enjoyed together. Music, movies, books etc. And send them a text saying that you just saw/heard it and it reminded you of her.
Now, you have to keep the conversation short, so make sure when whatever she answers, you tell her that you have something to do. Like a movie or dinner with someone.
If you get a negative response, like “DON’T TEXT ME AGAIN”. Then just reply with a simple “Sorry. Hope you are doing well.” And don’t contact her. At least for a few weeks. This means there is still anger and negative association towards you. Contacting her more is going to hurt your chances. So it’s better to lay off for a while.
Keep your texts creative and don’t use the same thing again. Give her something to bite on. You can use some good memory that you had together in the texts too.
Something like
Remember, to keep the conversation always positive. You can flirt, and even compliment her, but never show that you need her in your life. It’s OK to say things like
“I am glad you were a part of my life.”
“You are an amazing girl.”
“You looked really beautiful that day.”
But not things like
“I wish we could give it another chance.”
“Sometimes, I feel like you are the only one for me.”
“I really want to be with you.”
Get the idea? If you want a more detailed explanation on how to build attraction with text messages, check out this program from my friend Mike. He will tell you exactly what to say to your ex to make her fall in love with you again.
Asking Her Out
The best way to ask your ex out is by calling her and asking her if she’d like to hang out with you. Make sure you are in an upbeat and positive mood while you call her. While calling her, remember you WANT her, you DON’T NEED her. If you sound needy on the phone, you will definitely be rejected.
What to say?
Make sure you don’t mention the word “date”. Unless she has already brought up the topic of you getting back together, you should not rush it. Have patience and go out with her as a friend. Have fun with her and build up attraction. Slowly, she will suggest reconciliation on her own.
A good way to ask her is “if you wants to catch up.” Or “if you want to hang out tomorrow.” Choose a venue which is casual and which gives both of you an opportunity to leave easily.
A coffee is pretty good place. You can have fun and if you want to escalate things from there, you can go to a bar after that. If you decide to keep the date short, you can leave after the coffee.
Coffee. Helping people get back together since the 14th century.
A few alternatives are shopping, dancing (if you are into it), a football game (if she is into it), a theme park, mini golf etc.
It’s good to have something to do during the meetup. This will help her become comfortable with you and you can have fun as well.
What if she says no?
If she does, you can try to push her gently. But don’t overdo it. A simple “come on, what’s the harm. It’ll be fun.” Is good. However, “I really want us to do this. Can’t you just do this for me? Please?” is a little too much and desperate. Remember, your old relationship is dead. You should treat her like a girl you are trying to seduce. Not your ex who was once in love with you. She is single now and she doesn’t owe you anything. She might require a little push here and there, but always be gentle and respectful.
If she still says no, then accept it gracefully and hang up. Wait a few weeks and then try again. If she always says no, then I guess it’s never going to happen. Just accept it and try to move on.
During The Date
Remember, you want to keep this date fun and light. No talk about relationship, no talk about the breakup, and no talk about your feelings. You want to come off as a guy who is having a great time with his life. Not someone who is miserable without his ex. You want her to think that being with you is fun. You should be confident, attractive, happy and mature.
If she brings up the relationship, just tell her that it’s all in the past and you don’t want to talk about it. You want to build positive association with her and any talk about the past relationship and breakup is going to build up negativity. She is going to analyze you when she goes back. Do you want her to remember all the negative things that happened in the past, or do you want her to remember the amazingly positive and confident person you are right now?
Using Kino
A little touch goes a long way.
You might also want to learn a few things about attraction and seduction before going on this date. For example, there is a thing called kino. It’s simply means building attraction by touch. You want to gently touch her at any opportunity you have. Now, don’t be a creep and keep touching her without any reason. Just simple touches like, a slight touch on her lower back if you want to lead her outside the door. Or a touch on her shoulder while laughing. Or accidentally touching her hand while moving your hand away from the table. These simple touches build attraction and if used correctly, it can be used to escalate attraction level with her during the time.
When to Pop the Question?
N
o, you are not going to ask her to marry you. You want to ask her if she wants to give it another chance. Now what you really want is for her to ask this. Since, you two were together at one point, she is not going to feel uncomfortable asking you to be with her. However, she might just be shy and confused about your feelings so in many cases, you will have to make the first move.
A good time to ask her will be after you’ve had a few fun dates with her. I’d say at least two or three. However, if one of your dates leads to sex, then you can go ahead and ask her the next day.
Use your judgment to determine where she is at, and whether or not she is attracted to you enough to pop the question. Hopefully, she will say yes and you will have your ex girlfriend back in your life.
That’s it folks, hope it was helpful. If it was, please help me back by +1 this article. Just scroll down and click on the google + icon.
Also, make sure to subscribe to Step 5 which is an email series. It has helped thousands of men get through the breakup and get their girlfriend back.
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What you get?
- Advanced tactics to get her back again.
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wow, he followed everything just like your article after we’d been apart for 8 or 9 months (i broke up with him)…. I dated him, loved him again and then he dumped me because he couldn’t do the commitment thing. He just wanted to date me (fbuddies!!) after years of being his gf!!
Hey Mari, Sorry you had to go through this. This is why there is big section in the article talking about getting back together for the right reason.
Hi, my ex and I broke up 5 days ago and I’m on day 3 of No Contact, she doesn’t talk about the break up and seems okay and doing well. What do I do?
Hi! I was wandering about no contact rule. It’s been 5 days now, and I just know she will contact me soon, and probably want to get together and fix things up. Since I really want to see her and fix this, I don’t know what to do. I have a fear that not answering her will push her far away from me, and she will continue on without me in her life. During the break up she said to me she doesn’t what to loose me. Reason she broke up is she lost interest in me, cause I opened to her completely, my mistake, I know… She got sick of all the loving, caring, attention. The problem is that I will keep bumping into her cause we are living in the same street, we go to the same college, and knowing her if I don’t answer her she will ask me why when I bump next time into her. So what to do? Please help! I like your article very much, blog also. Thank you for helping men, and thank you for your kind reply!
What’s up Doc, 🙂
First of all, 5 days is not nearly enough of no contact. Like I said in the article, at least 30 days. You need time to heal and get your head straight. From your comment, I can sense that you are still needy and if I can sense it from a comment, then she can definitely sense it if you talk to her or see her. So, you don’t answer her calls. And if you bump into her and she asks why you didn’t answer, you just tell her you need your space and you think it’s best for you if you don’t talk to her for a while.
-Kevin
Hi! First of all I really like your blog, and the article how to get her back. I have some questions. Well first I want to tell you the reason of breakup. We were doing great, for a year, then the last 2 months, something started to change in her, she got lazy, wouldn’t see me, we didn’t have sex for a month or so, and she kept pretending everything is ok, but I knew it wasn’t. So the other day we went on a pizza, and I started the “conversation”. During that, we had both tears in our eyes. We kept talking, I noticed she already made her decision, but she kept asking me what will we do. Also she said she wanted me in her life, but she started to look at me like a friend, a person who she needs in her life. But she was aware I’m not gonna be for that since I cant look at her like a good friend, and I told her that. So we came to my place, cried, say goodbyes and I kissed her one more time and she left. It has been 3 days since that. She went out to a club, day after. I spoke with her best friend, and he met her a day after to check what is this all about. She said to him that she doesn’t have a wish for me, to be with me or to see me, and that I smothered her with constant asking where is she, who is she with. I was a little paranoid because I knew the end is near. She also said to him that she would freak out if she sees me with another woman. What do I make from all of this? I would really like you to help me, because I am a foreign student in another country, pretty much away from home, and for the last year she was everything to me. I will try your steps from the article it makes sense to me. I already started to go to the gym, but the constant thinking and emotions are killing me. Could you please answer me and help me if you can. Thank you in advance.
Sincerely Mislav.
Hey Mislav,
Sorry this happened to you. The worst breakups are the ones where you don’t know what went wrong. There is a section in the article about your situation. When she has lost attraction, then you have a pretty good chance of getting her back. You just need to build the attraction back. I guess the only thing you need to do is apply no contact and work on yourself. Also, you need to go out and meet new people. If possible, go on a few dates. Don’t do it to make her jealous (although that is a nice bonus), do it for yourself. You are in a foreign country. You have plenty of options. And if you put yourself out there, you will realize there is plenty of fish in the sea.
-Kevin
Hi Mislav, I think you are great guy. watch this video. It helped me a lot to understand why when we become very close with our partners the desire goes. It happens to me every time. Once I start to feel like my boyfriend is the best friend, the desire goes away. I still love him but attraction goes. Don’t contact your girlfriend foe a while. She will miss you. And then you can use steps from the article. But in relationship you have to give space to your partner and sometimes to keep distance.
http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?share=170178a4ce&language=en
Would this work in a LDR situation, where my girlfriend decided after a few weeks being home, that long distance was too hard, too much pressure and decides to end it and tells me to move on and she’s happy being single at the moment ( she’s very pretty, she would get alot of attention from guys). I managed to get her to admit she still loved me many times but before i found any of these websites I made every mistake in the book trying to win her back. Begging, pleading and so on ( for a couple of weeks) . I wasn’t in the right state of mind, i didn’t realise what i was doing and i think i may have pushed her away. I sent her a letter apologizing for my behaviour and wished her the best and sent her a necklace as a replacement for one i had given her which she accidently lost. We then had chat on facebook a few nights after i sent the letter, she told me she hasn’t taken the necklace off since she received it. I stupidly said i still loved her and missed her, she just ignored this part of the conversation and spoke of other things. She always replies btw. However the following day i stupidly looked at her facebook page and seen a post saying she got a new dress and was looking forward to wearing it out to show it off “hint hint boys”. It broke my heart. I immediately blocked her on facebook and I’ve been in no contact for 8 days, she hasn’t contacted me. I’m feeling better and things are looking up in my life but I still miss her and love her and I know things will get better with time.
She’s going to be back in Europe in a couple of months.
Would the advice apply in my situation.
I also believe she got cold feet. G.I.G.S. As she’s quite a bit younger than me, and I think committing to the relationship, combined with Long distance and her age may have scared her and maybe she wasn’t ready for such a serious relationship. We had an almost perfect relationship. Caring, Loving, comfortable. We loved eachother very much.
Hey Paul,
I agree with you that it’s partially because of her age. She will probably hook with other guys and you have to be OK with that. Let her live life and you live yours. When she comes back to Europe, you can contact her and try to meet her.
And yes, to answer your question, it will work in your situation. 🙂
-Kevin
Hi! Just want to update…. So I’m sticking with the game plan, It is going well. She contacted me over Facebook yesterday, naturally I answered, I kept it cool, short, made her wonder about the things, plus her friend saw me with 5 beautiful ladies, and since we are on the same college I ran into her, also did my best, so she is probably thinking about me all the time… So my question is… Since she contacted me, she also started to post songs on her Facebook timeline which are hand picked to send me a message (that was our thing with songs, plus she rarely do that kind of stuff), guess she started to play games, to let me know she is there and she is waiting. Should I go with the letter, or I can skip to texting her, I will wait a little more since it has been only 15 days. I don’t see point in the letter cause she will start chasing me cause of my social status ( I know a lot of people, and a lot of people knows me) and she probably knows that I’m doing well without her. So what should I do? Please help me, and thank you in advance!
That’s great. Yup, skip directly to the text messages. I’d say wait another 15 days and before initiating contact.
My ex girlfriend of two months dumped because she felt we were more like friends than a couple. I immediatly went no contact. Two weeks after the break up she found someone new. Today is almost 60 days of no contact, however, she called me yesterday but I ignored it. My reason for ignoring the call was because I know shes still with her current boyfriend. What do you recomend I do?
Hey Brad,
Since you were in a relationship for only two months, I suppose you two weren’t too much invested in each other. This is why it will be easier for her to move on faster than usual. 60 days is enough of no contact (more than enough actually). I think you should move on to step 4 of the plan (Contacting her). Also, read this article on what to do if she has another boyfriend.
I wrote the letter about how I am now at peace with the breakup and i even aplogized for how I acted after the breakup. The problem im running into is my friends and family are telling me that if I send the letter it will make me look desperate and clingy. I actually feel better writing the letter and would like her to see it but will sending this letter make me look desperate and clingy?
Hi. I want to update my situation. It’s been 24 days since the breakup. I was maintaining no contact, and after 15 days she contacted me, I answered but kept it cool and short. After 22 to days I sent a message like you suggested in article, and in comment, I skipped the letter part. So that day 21st day after breakup she sent me a response, she told me that she can’t believe that I hang out with other girls, how is that there are so many people now in my life, new people, and there weren’t there when we were together. She also showed me trough conversation that she was watching my every move, she is well informed of what I am doing with whom and where. Well later that day, I was kinda upset by her words and I asked her to explain me what she meant whe she said that she waited to see if I’ll do the things right way, and she was dissapointed, cause I started going out, with other people. She also kept mentioning other girls, some particularly which she hates, which always were around me, even if I tried to prove her that I am running away from them as hard as I can. She showed jealousy and kept asking me where I’m going, with whom etc. That was her thing during relationship. Later that day I went out with our mutual friend, I asked her if she wants to go out for a drink, she refused, but later she called me and asked if she can come. She did. During the night we were drinking, and having fun, I was playing cool, and I didn’t push her to do anything, meanwhile she was flirting with me like hell, and in the process she got drunk, I could have used her that night but I didnt even try, and I was fighting with myself. So day after she again contacted me and talked about last night, she couldn’t remember some events, and I told her pretty much everything she was doing. She told me sorry it’s a force of habit when i’m with you, so she was acting like we were still together. I opened up to her and told her that I’m confused and I don’t like this kind of thing, I was happy cause I saw in her that there are maybe still some emotions and hopes for us. So on Sunday she supposed to give me some books, and I needed to return some to her. I asked her if she can dropped the books at my place or to give me tomorrow on our college. Then she invited her self indirectly to my place, and I accepted. She told me she would like to drink some coffee and watch TV, I said ok. I went to a candy store and bought her her favorite cookies. She stayed for 5 hours, she even cleaned my back. We were talking about our relationship, my mistakes, and I concluded that she has very bad picture of me, and that she doesn’t even know me that well, and she isn’t certain of my feelings, I talked to her about that and try to explain things I did. So we were lying on bed and watching tv, talking, all sweet and innocent, the she started teasing me, she asked me let’s have sex, and started counting from 10, I didn’t do anything, then she tried to make me massage her, I told I was uncomfortable with that, since I might loose control. Then she said don’t worry I can control my self, and I won’t get angry if you tried something, after all I’m teasing you, so i said in a funny way that she was evil. She told me she was joking about sex, and told that if she wanted sex or anykind of thing she would “attacked” me, she basically was showing the signs, in my humble opinion, that she wants me to make first step, but kept saying that we are friends, shit like that, so her look, her smile, her body language were saying one, mouth were saying other. Can you please read this and instruct me what to do next. Sorry for such a long comment, but I wanted to know every detail possible, I could remember. I decided not to push things, I will wait patiently for her to contact me, but I would appreciate your help. Thank you in advance
Doc
Hey Doc,
She is practically throwing herself at you. But it could also be that she is playing games and is waiting to see if you are truly over her or you are still hung up on her. My advice is to just continue like this for a while. After some time, when you are confident enough, talk to her about getting back together. Meanwhile, do not stop hanging out with other girls and other guys just because of her. Unless she is in a relationship with you, she doesn’t have any right to tell you who you should and shouldn’t hang out with. If you do stop hanging out with other people just because she doesn’t like it, you are basically giving her the power over you without her even committing to you.
Also, sleeping with her can actually be helpful in getting her back. It depends on her attitude towards sex. However, do not force it on her (it was a good decision to not have done it while she was drunk). Just let it happen naturally.
Cheers!
I think she knows that I want her, but she isn’t sure about that, because I’m not “attacking” her. I am confused cause I’m not sure if she wants me to make a first step, cause she is scared, or are this just games till she find someone else?
I don’t think it’s just games. She is definitely interested, probably just confused. You just need to keep your cool through this.
Hi there,
So a week ago today my girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. We were extremely in love but about a month ago we began to do our own things. We hardly talked, and when we did there wasn’t a whole lot left. When she broke up with me we talked about the good memories and she didn’t stop crying for 2 hours. She also cuddled with me in my bed and actually refused to leave because she didn’t want to do this, but “had to”. The reason she had to, what she said, is because she “needs to stand on her own feet and grow as an individual and didn’t want to hurt me by spending such little time together” (her dad died 6 months ago and she said she “didn’t want to rely on me and rather grow on her own”) well 3 days after the break up she texted me at 10pm saying “I have your necklace and I don’t want to just get rid of it” (she has a ton of my things so just bringing up that made no sense) I didn’t respond and 25 minutes later she said “and that was my lame attempt at trying to contact you. I’m glad you can see through that. I love you, but this will be my last time trying to contact you.” I didn’t respond and now it’s been a week (I’m not gonna say anything until the 30 days is up). I feel horrible because I let things get bad because she would always invite me to go out with her and her friends, but I always declined. Everytime. (I’m not a big drinker) we also talked a week before she broke up with me and I told her how I felt about drinking and how I wasn’t feeling myself and how I was sad and kind of depressed about college. (We are sophomores at the same school) this last week I’ve actually met a lot of people and have been having a lot of fun, but I miss her so much. One of my old friends from school posted a picture online of us together. I had my arm around her, and I know my ex saw it. I’m not trying to make her jealous because I’ve blocked her on my social media, but I’m sure she got a bit jealous. Anyways, how should I go about this whole thing and what do you think are the chances we end up together if I follow this guide? Thank you so much
Kevin, sorry if I put that in the wrong place. Yes, she is in a rebound relationship that most likely won’t last very long. A 25 year old cop who lives with 2 Hooters girls is not prepared to fill the role that I was. I’m not worried about him. For various reasons, we kept finding reasons to talk to each other. I now have confidence that I can make it at least a month without contacting her. The last time we talked we talked about how she hasn’t been up to date on the Walking Dead, so I figure this will give me the perfect lead in when the time comes. I must ask this though, she’s still got pictures of us plastered all over her Facebook page. She has no pictures of any other boyfriend on there. If she takes it all down before I contact her, is that a sign she’s moved on?
So it’s not working…. I was educating myself this period of being single on the topic of relationship, getting your ex back etc. Few days ago she hurt me so bad, but yet I decided to give her one last chance. So we are going out Thursday. She will come to my place, and after we will go out on two parties. I will give my best shot of seducing her that evening, altough she told me that I just want to get her drunk and use her sexually… I told her that I won’t touch her if she doesn’t provoke me. If that doesn’t work for me, I’m afraid I need to move on, cause I can’t do this anymore, and I need closure. This is what I’m going to do. As I am a foreigner in her country, and I go home next Tuesday, I will ask her to come at my place at Monday evening for a coffee. I’m thinking maybe make those hot dogs in a shape of a heart with eggs inside, I know it’s not much but that’s the best I can do atm. I wrote a letter to her, but I will tell all of that to her face, so I can see her reaction. I will tell her: ” I want to tell you something you probably won’t hear anymore in your life. I am glad to see you happy and smiling again. That was the most beautiful thing on you, and I’m proud of myself cause sometimes I was a reason for that. I miss you but I can’t play games anymore and live in hope, it’s hard enough for me. It would be a shame that these were the memories I only have about us. It’s hard but I can’t just be your friend. Your happiness has always been important to me, and I would do anything to make you happy, and If that means to leave you alone to find what are you looking for and to find your happiness. I really want you to be happy and I hope you will find someone who will love you at least the 1/3 like I do.”
Bear in mind that this will sound a lot better on my language, and much more beautiful. And in my head it’s the ultimate romantic words, and they are coming strait from my heart. I hope that this will trigger her love and emotions towards me that are buried somewhere deep inside her. Also she knows I’m going home and she won’t see me for more than 2 weeks, and she was always sad when I had to leave her to go to my hometown. If the reaction is positive I will advance and try to make up.
If the reaction is negative I will continue the things I want to say to her if it is really over.
“You’ve changed a lot lately, you aren’t the same girl I love anymore. All this time I couldn’t accept that you could so easily stop loving me after all I did and you just stopped caring for me but I can see that now. ( I am very emotional person, romantic, and always giving my best to make her happy, I’m not a saint, but I try hard) I am very sorry that this beautiful story of ours had to end but obviously it has to be like this. Tomorrow I’m going home and we won’t see or hear each other for some time. As I need to move on, I need to remove you from my life, that means from facebook and similar things. I hope you will understand that. When I am ready to have you again in my life I will tell you that. Please don’t take this personally but I need space and time to mend my broken heart. I promise that I will always be good to you, but now I need the time to get to that ( read this like I need to stop felling things for you). This is the last time I will ever talk about our relationship and my fellings towards you. I needed closure of our story and I feel I deserved that. I hope sometime you will tell me what really happened and why all had to be like this no matter how truth will hurt. When enough time has passed I will be again in your life, and I’ll make sure to let you know. I hope that you understand me and that you will honour my wish. ”
Sorry again about my long comment. This is my last resort, cause I don’t know anything else to do. I know that if I separate from her and don’t finish this, I will never get over her, and If I’m not near her she will move on, so I planned all of this and if this don’t make any sense to her she is not a girl for me.
Please give me your thoughts about all of this. Maybe some guidelines to get my chances better. You seen my comments before, and you know the complete story, she didn’t give me a real reason for break up, she told me that she is not that good like I think, and that I made her a saint in my eyes. Thank you for your help.
I just need to say one more thing. All of this is because I believe in Love, as would Ziggy Marley say Love is my religion. And I’ll keep loving no matter how this works out 🙂
Hey,
Sorry it took me a while to get back to you. I hope it went well on Thursday. Also, I guess your plan seems reasonable. But you have to be stick to your words and really move on if her response is negative. But I think you are over doing it. Trying to be romantic isn’t going to be very effective in my idea. From what you said, she knows you are romantic and you were treating her well and treating her like a saint. But it didn’t work. But again, you know your situation better than anyone so it’s your call.
So last night was good, I think I sparked some emotions in her. I guess that from the way she was talking to me, she was acting. I passed her every test she has put on me last night. I was flirty, gentleman, and so on. We almost kissed when I walked her to her home. She teased me: “Don’t make this awkward, you are watching my lips, you know what you want”
I responded: “You are making this awkward, and you are watching my lips also”
She told me that she was looking at my teeth…. I said good night, but I didn’t move, she went for the door, and she turned around and kissed me on the cheek.
So there are obviously emotions, myb love inside her. I will ask her to get together tomorrow night, I told her about that, she told me she will see. I will try to do some action if we see each other. I will tell her what I need to tell her Monday, but I will see how things will work till Sunday. And if needed, change what I have to say. I will update the thing I will say here, so you can check it and advise me. So try to answer me as soon as possible.
What do you think about last night? And should I try to get together tomorrow?
Doc
Shit, she just told me we can watch TV tomorrow…. What the hell I should do now. She suggested that, I asked her about that few days ago. And now she want’s to….
Sounds good to me. Seems I missed you again. How did it go?
I accidentally broke the no communication rule after about 2 weeks ish. I kept it light and brief and short and snappy. Didn’t talk about the break up or anything like that. She then goes gets rid of me off facebook and blocks me telling me she needs more space and that I’m acting like a crazy person. Well I get pissed off at it and say some things I don’t mean and pretty sure I blew it forever. But I want there to be a chance because I really care for her. During this time I have taken the chance to better myself by going to the gym, taking up piano, and finding new hobbies. But I am really at a loss and can relay full details to you if you give me an email.
Hey Lee,
I think you just need to start all over again. Start no contact again for 30 days and see how things go.
Hey kevin ,
Im in the process of the no-contact step . Its only been 6days and im devestated . I also watched the video on what i should say to her to get her back but i still dont know what to say . Please help me
Stop worrying about what to say to her right now. It’s just 6 days. Concentrate more on what you should do for 30 days. Setup some goals for yourself and start achieving them.
Hello Kevin,
I’m working on No Contact now for 3 days, but I was wondering what you’re suggestion is as far as remaining connected with an ex through FB, Instagram, Twitter? Also,we have a child together.
Sorry I missed your comment. It’s OK to stay connected on FB, Instagram etc. as long as you are not obsessing over her social media accounts. IF you find yourself checking her account every 30 minutes and obsessing over every little thing she posts, it’s best to just unfriend/block them.
sir- we had a relation of two years.once she got misguided by a person that i was talking with some other girl too.but was not true. i explained her. but after a long time she start dating new guy. who even not match my shoes.in between when she dating. she used to text and call me .not regularly but randomly..but almost 2 mnths passed away..become messed.i tried to confince her a lot.but she and her friends blockd me.i did nothing.i was clear. and did no cheating at all.no fights ever..i dnt no wts going on.pls guide me.i love her so much.i cnt see her going into hell.as the guy is really a gambler,druggist,playboy..please guide what to do.to away her from him.and she able to come back to me.
Hey, just follow no contact for a while and see how things go.
Make this as short and sweet as I can,
Dating 8 months,two timed her but she never found out the whole of our short relationship..she wanted everything commitment ,kids the lot
She gave me a month to make up my mind ,but I told her I was too old for her and she should concentrate on her life without me
Age gap is huge 27yrs!!!
She went abroad to see her parents in Poland, but in the mean time I made my mind up hell yea give it a go
I asked her if we could spend xmas together, but she dropped the bomb shell, she would be spending xmas with her new boyfriend
We work together, so for the last two weeks I have been following your no contact rule
Today she dropped the A bomb, she is leaving her job and moving to another town
Q Is she on the rebound, she has told her friends that she is in love
Q Should I break the no contact rule?
I have deleted her number so there would be no way of contacting her in two months!!. I could get her number off a friend
Thinking of writing letter, she leaves in two days
All my own fault trying to be a player, is she too young for me?
Hey Shaun,
If you are absolutely sure that you are ready to give her what she wants, then her age doesn’t matter. She is ready for commitment and family. Don’t try to get her back unless you are absolutely sure this is what you want.
And I think you should stay no contact for another two weeks before contacting her.
Hy, I was the kind of guy that left my girlfriend because I was tired, I broke up with her from the ground up, yet we studied together and I always maintained my posture. 6 or 7 months have passed till then, and that time alone have maid ne realize all the mistakes during the relationship. What made it worse, was that she started to see another guy, and I got really jealous, so I did all things you said not to do and made things worse, that was before I knew this article existed. I’ve been on no contact since january 2. And im nervous couse I think I blew it. I really miss her. And I feel so helpless. Should I keep waiting? Or is this a lost cause? I trully want to be with her, not because I’m jealous, but because I recognized all my mistakes, and threr were other options besides breaking up. If I had that second chance I would take it! What do you think?
Hey Pablo. Apply the NC rule and see what happens. I wish you the best.
Thanks man, I only have one thing that worries me, and its that she been seeing that new guy for about three months now, I’ve herd rumors that they might be together now. I’m a really patient guy. But I don’t know, I have to see them loke every day, we study in the same college, we are in the same major, I know that chances maybe high, but the guy, is the only thing that worries me. In the bright side I’ve been talking to other girls and started going going to the gym again. You think I may have good chances?
I mean, it really seems she has gotten over me jajaja, and its a bit hard to believe.
I can’t really say for sure how are your chances. But yeah, you still have a chance. It’s good you are talking to other girls and going to the gym again. It’s definitely going to increase your chances. She might be over you, she might still be in love with you. It doesn’t really matter if you are following this plan. Even if she is over you, you can make her attracted to you again. So, there’s no point worrying about it.
That’s a good thing though. I bumped with her yesterday and just said hello and kept on my way. Didn’t see not even a change in her face, and it felt as if she was evading me. It made me think that she really lost her feelings for me. So I decided not to waste my time thinking about her, and thinking about her with the other and I decided to get my goals straighten out. And I realized that I want her, but I don’t need her. In fact I miss her not sure if I want her. All I want to do is better my self. I can’t keep on thinkig in what could’ve happened and the past. I admitted to my self the things I made wrong and forgave my self, I am not gonna let these trifles stop me from accomplishing my goals. And I think personally the best way to get her back is moving forward. Really appreciated the advise, it made me realize this. And i think its for me to move on. Obviously I’m still staying in No Contact. I want her to see that I can be happy with out her.
That’s great Pablo. I am glad you are realizing that you don’t need her. I wish you the best for your life.
Just out of curiosity, you said that it doesn’t matter if she is still in love with me or gotten over me, and I can still make her attracted to me again. That including if she is seeing or beeing with another guy? How exactly can I do this? Because I’m starting to really dim chances.
People fall out of love as easily as they fall into love. It all depends on her relationship with the new guy. If it’s a rebound, then yes, it’s easy to attract her back.
How can I tell if it’s a rebound? She’s been meeting the guy for a bout three months now, and I’ve heard that they are probably toghether. I meen I see them like every day at college, not because I want to but because I casually bump in to them or the other way around. I have to endure this like every day. And of course I try to act all cool about it, but some how it still gets to me.
Hey Pablo,
You can never really be sure if it’s a rebound unless the relationship is over. The best you can do is concentrate on your life. IF you want to get her back, you follow the plan (NC, then contact her and see how she responds). ID you don’t want to get her back, you just try to move on and let time do the healing.
Hey Kevin, the no contact step is almost over, there’s like a week or two left. The problem is I was the guy that left her and six months later she started seeing another guy. You know the rest I got jealous…etc. Do you deem it wise to still cantact her when the no contact period is over, even if she is meeting up with the other guy? Just doing the math here, I honestly think she is not interested, I mean she hasn’t seen me nor known nothing about me. What I do know is that we’re gonna end upmtaking classes together. But still do you find it wise? Are my chances dead?
Hey Pablo,
You can contact her and see how she responds. It all depends on how she responds when you contact her. But I feel like you are taking a step backwards here as in one of your earlier comments you mentioned that you are ready to move on.
Not taking a step backwards, though it may seem that way. The case is that each day that passes I grow more indifferent towards the situation. I mean, I am doing great as I said in the earlier comments. The thing is I still care for her, not as much as before, but I still kinda do. I feel that I am in transition of moving on, I don’t find it wise to contact her, well there are at least two weeks left of NC. And as I metioned earlier we’re gonna end up taking classes together, so I’m gonna have to see her or even talk to her, maybe vice versa. I just want to stay cool when that day comes. Maybe staying in NC for a few additional weeks is better.
Hey Kevin, I feel I need to take this of my chest. I am trying really hard to move forward, really determined but it feels like something is holding me back, I’ve talked to other girls, I am going to the gym, I am working on projects but none of those things are filling in the void that was left. I have grown a lot as a person, I became a better version of myself. But I still miss her, I swear I am hallucinating some times, because I see her everywhere. It feels as if every girl looks like her or shares a trait that reminds me of her. I try to get her of my mind but this type of crap is starting to happen a lot. And I don’t have time to start thinking about her. Sounds crazy. What will probaly help is that im thinking in joining the armed forces (coast guard), not because of her but of family reasons. Is this type of thing normal? Even the clothes I wear reminds me of her. Im not moving backwards, im just stuck! I think the best thing to do isnto keep waiting, I don’t contacting her would be wise she is still probably meeting upmwith the other guy. What do you think?
Hey Pablo,
It could be that somewhere at the back of your mind, you still have tiny bit of hope of getting back together. In that case, contacting her and then asking her for coffee might be beneficial. This way, you’ll know for sure whether or not you have a chance of getting back together. If you don’t get back together, you can put this behind you and move on. Also, did you check out the 5 step program to get over a breakup. There’s an email course at the end of it that might help you.
I think I’ll skip the coffe and go straight to the program. Moving forward is actually the best way to get anyone back. So I’ll take my chances, I perfer to be and feel well than thinking about the memories. Maybe some day she’ll show up, but untill the I’ll take my chances. Thanks Kevin all this was really helpful.
Great decision Pablo. All the best.
Hey Kevin, just found out today, that she is in a relationship with the guy officially, NC didn’t work I guess. So I’ll take the getting over you ex girlfriend program. So yeah thats the last I’ve heard about the situation. It was like 3 months knowing each other and like at January 21 they made it official. Obviously I am not in her mind, she doesn’t miss me, hasn’t called me, so she is basically not interested in me and to add things up, I’m gonna have to suck up, watching them together at school. You maybe right about the rebound thing, but still I can’t rely on assumptions. I still miss her a lot, you are right about that, What do you think my best option is? (Btw, I will have to see her in the same classroom). What would you do in a situation like this? And do you think I might even cross her mind, or that she at least thinks about me?
Well, I can almost guaranteee you that you are on her mind and she does think about you. If I were in your situation, I’ll concentrate my efforts on moving on. And start dating people (nothing serious till I am ready for a serious relationship).
Hey Kevin
Just to give you a headsup on things, I’ve moved on well since January, things have been going great. I’m on lot’s of projects and have met lot’s of girls. But last week I received an unexpected call from my ex. She texted me then she called, I didn’t pick it up I was very busy didn’t see the call until much later, I thought it was a mistake like wrong number, but the next she called again, I picked it up, she told me that she has dreamed of me and she wanted to know how I was, and that she missed my parents and that she wanted to talk about something important about me….
What the heck did just happen there Kevin? Btw, she mentioned that she has seen me a couple of times in the university and stuff.
What does this mean? Or what could it mean? It really caught me off guard!
It simply means she is missing you. It’s your decision if you want to meet her and talk to her about whatever she wants to talk about. I should warn you, there is probably a lot of confusion, and possibly heartbreak if you choose to contact her. There’s also a chance that you will get back together. Are you willing to take the risk if you are doing so well in your life without her?
When you say confusion and heartbreak, do you mean its in me or in her? I don’t need the risk, I kind of like it the way things are actually. The fact that she called made me feel wanted jaja, it felt good though. Chances are she might call again, right?
Hey Kevin. Loved the article. Gave me hope after my breakup. Here’s my story. Ex gf of 2 years broke up with me. During this time we lived together and as of right now still have a lease together but no longer live together. In the beginning we had great chemistry and we talked about everything. She opened up to me more than anyone before her. I was her support. She had a very rough childhood and I was the first guy to accept her, and give her real love according to her. She was forced into a bad situation and we ended up moving in together after dating for a couple of months. Probably a bad thing since it was rushed but she needed my help. Anyways it was great until we started arguing. About the 7 month mark we started to argue and it gradually got worse over the next 6 months. It got pretty violent at some points but nothing extreme. We are both really stubborn especially her and to top it off she is very intelligent. As in she knows most mind games and psychology tricks which makes it much harder on me. We always worked things out. Well we ended up getting a new lease together and about the year and a half mark we got into it bad. Well that was it for me and i swore to control myself and to never get violent again. I almost lost her but we managed to stick together. And It was working. I noticed we argued less but things started to change. We didnt talk as much and eventually she said she wasnt happy in the relationship. A lot of this WAS my fault because I had gotten lazy and comfortable in the relationship and she isnt the greatest at communication. Well she breaks it off about 2 months ago but we still kept in contact because of the lease. At first I was kind of happy but after awhile I started to realize that I seriously loved and still love this woman with a my heart. She has been trying to stick me in the friend zone and “keep me in her life”. She has started a new relationship with a guy that sounds perfect from what she tells me. “No fights, good in bed, always there and loves spending time with her and has a great family etc” I want her back because I’ve been working on the faults she had with me and I don’t want to lose her to this guy. I love her and she is worth the time I invested in spite of our arguing. We went through so much together and I feel like I’m being put in the friend zone and don’t wsnt that. How do I get her back with me?
For starters, stop blaming yourself for the breakup. The fact that you were lazy is not as bad as the fact that she has communication problems and she decided to leave instead of talking about the issues.
Apply the NC rule and see how it goes. She won’t miss you unless you give her a chance to miss you.
I really liked this to be honest but see here is the thing…Me and my girlfriend broke up because another girl called me baby and I didn’t tell her about it and the other girl told my girl about it and she got mad…but I never acknowledged the other girl when she called me baby. Usually I’ll just stop talking I’ll just end the conversation. So now my Ex girlfriend is talking to someone else and I’m trying to get her back what should I do?
Well, if I were you, I’d move on. Who breaks up with someone just because some other girl called him baby. It seems she was looking for a reason to breakup and she found one. You didn’t do anything wrong, so you can spend a lot of time and energy trying to convince her you weren’t wrong or you can move on and find someone more reasonable.
But I have a sneaky feeling that you don’t want that advice. So, follow the NC rule and contact her after a while.
Hi Kevin got some good tips from your article. Look my girlfriend and I started out as best friends in high school. We became closer and closer. Before we were dating she has some issues with exes and they made her very very upset. But we went to a Tim McGraw country concert and then I popped the question. As soon as we started dating she had already planned to marry me. I was her first true relationship. I met her parents and they adore me and they think I’m one of the greatest guys they have ever met. We really were close and we would FaceTime 24/7 when we weren’t seeing each other. We did plenty of things together like tubing going to wine vineyards with my family etc. I remember her telling me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her. We would snuggle on the couch and she would crush me and kiss my cheek as fast as she could as many times as she can. Then it was our last day before she had to go to camp. We had an amazing day at a beach and a dinner at her house followed by ice cream. She said what am I gonna do without my bubby. As I got closer to my house she and I started crying when I showed her the video that shows everything we have done with one of our favorite songs. We got to my house and we were hysterical and she was so sad to see me go. Then the next day she went to camp. No contact at all because no cell service nor are phones allowed. 2 weeks later she called me and was crying and she said how loyal she was ma show much she missed me. After that night the next two weeks leading up to today were never the same. I did send her letters and bunk notes and photos of us. Leading up to a total of 47 letters over 4 weeks. Her friends teased her. She also got into snapchat and her hates ex contacted her and said brutal stuff and made her upset and got into her head. She then said she would break up with me. The following day she said sorry and it wasn’t true and we’re still together and she loves and misses me. Two days before she comes home she texts me how excited she was to see me and how much she misses me. Now it was the day she comes home I was with her parents and she got off the bus. After I handed her flowers she gave me a weak hug with a low reaction. She wouldn’t kiss me at all. We got in the car and I gave her a bracelet which she put on. She still wasn’t acting like herself. She was running on 2 hours sleep, a broken foot, and missing her friends. We went to lunch and she still wasn’t the same. We went back to her house as she wrapped herself in a blanket and I hugged her and she turned away a kiss. Then she said I don’t want you here and to get out of her room. So I did and an hour later she wanted to break up with me. Wouldn’t give me a reason to why but she did. 10 minutes later as I was sitting outside her doorsteps she said what are you doing. I said you broke up with me. She started telling me like now u have to say goodbye to my parents. So I walked away and drove to store with her dad. When I came home she was locked into her room. 20 minutes later her mom told me she wanted to see me. I walk into her room and half asleep on the floor I spoke with her while brushing her hair back with my hands. I spoke with her and she didn’t want to break up with me. Then my dad came to pick me up whom of which she was happy to see. She didn’t say goodbye the same and still wouldn’t kiss me. I knew something was wrong. The following day I was driving in car on way to vacation and she told me to delete all the Instagram and Twitter pictures of us. We were officially done. She violently wrote in all caps how she didn’t care how I feel now or how sad I am and to stop texting her that she is blocking me and that to enjoy my life. Meanwhile her parents and friends are devastated because I treated her like gold. We were so close and nothing could break us. I’m still unclear why we broke up but her mom said to stay low and let her miss me. My dad doubts that she will come back that she doesn’t love me. We go to same school and everything and purposely made all of our classes together. I really really really am depressed and haven’t talked to her in 24 hours. I don’t know what to do or have any hope. All I want is to be back with her more than anything but I am not patient and I can’t stop thinking about her. Nor do I know if she still loves me. Please please help me. -Ryan
Holy shit. I have almost the same situation, and she broke up on the day you posted this.
So yeah, we were best friends at the start of high school, got better and better friends, and for some months i was the only one there for her. She liked me since the day she saw me and well, as said above we became best friends. Sometimes i got jealous and so did she, and we would start fight and became friends right after. I got jealous when she was with friends and family(simply because i wanted to be with here and i also had feelings for her). And well.. We started flirting and visiting each other, and her parents liked me very much and they said i was welcome there anytime.
So yeah.. June 2015: we got together, i asked her in a cafe in front of her parents and ofcourse she said yes because she had been madly in love with me.. The day after she went to her father another place in the country and we skyped and facetimed each day, and we were really cute together.. We were planning to have a sleepover the whole week at her place and it was all set until the day before.
July 2015: Suddenly she sent me a message about how we couldnt have the sleepover because the tent we were supposed to be sleeping in was destroyed and yeah.(really her parents didnt want us to to any sexual things). So i got really mad, and i said everything got destroyed in the last second etc.. And she said, “how is this then going to work?” And i said it will and we stopped fighting and yeah. I visited her every single day and we were really in love and yeah.. But something didn’t feel right.. She wasn’t 100% her self and she acted a little bit bitchy.. And yeah. After the week i went to another country, and she got so jealous because there were other girls there or something so she broke up. But i begged and asked her to re-think it because it was going so well, and later that night i got a message saying: “i have thought, and i want to give it a second chance because i love you so much and you are my everything. I really dont want to lose you, or just become friends again. I love you.” So yeah, we were talking as normal and one week later after that she went to Thailand and i got jealous and so on. And yeah. Suddnly we started talking only once a day or something saying “hey, have a nice day i love you❤️”.. Suddenly, she stopped talking to me, and i freaked out and sent her 10+ messages each day without an answer.
August: So 2-3 weeks later she answered/ contacted me and said “love you” and i answered and acted like well.. A p*ssy. I said im sorry and so on, and she said: “sorry i havent answered you, but i really needed vacation”. I said it was okay and i continued saying im sorry and yeah. She didnt answer or read my messages until the first day of school. At that day, she dint act as herself at all and i could see she had made up her mind(we hugged but thats really it). After school she said it wasn’t working and she broke up.. I begged and pleaded, and i talked to a mutually friend of ours and she decided she would give me a second chance(she didnt really) so i could prove how much i loved her and to show all of my friends she was mine and yeah..
When i tried to talk to her about “us” in real life she ran away and almost started crying(i think). I tried 2 times but she just ran away.. After school she said we were over and yeah.. I begged a little, but then i started reading online and i just said later that day: i’m sorry i had to be like this, and i dont know why but i respect your decision. I didnt get an answer.
Now 1 week has gone by since we broke up and we saw each other in a class called “physical activity” were we are always in activity and so on.. We saw each other, and well.. She kinda looked sad. But when we played a game called “capture the flag” and well.. She looked happy in front of me now and she was laughing and talking to other boys and yeah.. She also talked a lot with her bestfriend and they loked at me alot and well.. Yeah. I was pretending i was happy without her and that i was happy, and i think it kinda bothered her..
Previously that day i got an anonymous question on an app called “Ask.Fm” (an app where you can ask each other anonymous questions and so on) and i got one saying “do you miss (insert ex gf name here) ” and i said “sure, a little bit”.
She also got tons of questions on the morning before school, where on of them said “he is missing you alot(and some more shit)” and she answered almost angry: “shut up, apparently he almost doesnt miss me”. So yeah.. Does this mean she still have feelings for me because of the way she answered and she specifically mentioned the question i recieved?
Like, she looks at me alot and she looks sad, but as soon as her friends come to her she instantly starts smiling and she laughs with them in front of me intenionally(?).
I rwally want her back. I have tried NC for 6 days now, but i feel like i have failed because i keep contacting our mutual friend and asks her if she has said anything more about me.. WHAT TO DO?!
Hey Kevin, update would like your opion on small talk I had with her at work before she left ,I just had to say goodbye and wish her luck…she told me he is very jealous of me, he deleted my phone number, pictures of me, my address all contact off her phone., it was his idea for her to quit her job and move in with him in another town. I did not prompt her she just spilled the beans to myself , she also told me that she would have called when she was feeling down but he checks her phone regulary…all after 6 weeks of dating, they were friends before dating
Do you think she is in a good place mentally!!!
I shall stay with the NC minimum 2 weeks?
infatuation on my part?…Don’t know what you had till its gone syndrome
I think she is regretting her decision. Hopefully, she will soon realize that he clearly abusive and leave him. Yeah, 2 weeks NC seems good. If you start messaging her, they are going to have fights cause he will see them. It can play to your advantage.
And I can’t really comment whether or not it’s just infatuation. That’s for you to decide mate. Ask yourself questions about what you want in life and whether or not she fits in your life goals. Again, don’t get her back unless you are absolutely sure you want what she wants. You might try to convince yourself that you’ll be OK with what she wants. But there is a difference between agreeing with her demands just for the sake of having her and wanting to start a family with her because it’s what you want.
Hi Kevin, N/C for over a month
It has been an upward struggle since day one, but that month has given me time to think what I want out of life. I purchased text ex back, which has great advise
But I have decided to let her go,
If her new relationship is just a rebound ,then if its fate then our paths will cross again.
Thanks buddy for your advise ,you have been a rock..
Thanks Shaun. I am happy for you. Hope you have a great life ahead. 🙂
Hey Kevin,
First off, very thorough stuff mate. Very good and practical advice. Encouraging to know I’m not the only one.
Anyhow, my situation seems to be a little tricky.
I broke up with my Ex back 6 months ago. In that time I’ve attempted the no contact rule, unfortunately I’ve sent her numerous heartfelt, romantic voicemails and texts with no reply. I sent one on Christmas Day and another recently saying goodbye. She has not responded at all. She hasn’t blocked me on Facebook so I’m questioning what she’s feeling.
Victor,
You didn’t really go through with the NC rule. There’s no point thinking what she’s feeling. The best you can do is apply NC and then contact her after that.
You don’t reckon I’ve completely stuffed it up?
NC for at least a month right or probably longer from what I’ve done. Your suggestions? I don’t want to completely lose her.
A month is good.
Hey Kevin I broke up with my girlfriend back in December. We were spending a lot of time together and on the top of that I had school going on. I told her that I wanted to be alone and I didn’t tell her that we were spending a lot of time together because I didn’t wanted to break her heart. At the end I broke her heart. We were together for almost a year and we got into fights here and there. A week later after the breakup I told her the reason why I broke up with her and I told her that I love her and I wanted her back.. She said that she was dating someone else and she couldn’t give me another chance. I couldn’t believe the fact that she threw all her feelings out the window .. I started to write her notes and tons of txt messages and she told me that I was pushing her away… I told her that all I wanted is her and she said that she was confused and she wasn’t going to give me another chance.. Additionally, she said that I was making it hard for her to move one… She blocked me on Facebook and she told her supervisor that she didn’t want me to contact her anymore ( I am in the military) I haven’t talk to her for two weeks and this is destroying me because I love her. I saw her boyfriend the other day and all my friends are telling me that he is a rebound because he is not that attractive …
PS I bought her a ring that I was gonna give her that was before the breakup… I told her about the ring when we talked (after breakup) she asked me why I didn’t say that to her before and I told her that it was gonna be a surprise
Any advice here?
Hey Eddy,
It’s probably a rebound and it will hopefully end eventually (although no one can say for sure). Follow the plan and apply NC for two more weeks.
Ok should I txt her in two weeks or what should I do??? Her current bf is leaving soon too for few months …
Yup, text her.
Kevin, thanks for taking the time to write this guide and following up with people. I have my own situation and I would love to have your thoughts/advice. This took awhile to write, but shouldn’t take as long to read…
I met a girl at a mutual friend’s wedding in September 2013. We made eye/smile contact several times and she introduced herself to me. We come from the same suburb and know many of the same people, but never really met in the past as she moved to Colorado before High School. At the time we met, I was 33 and she was 31. Neither of us have kids nor have we been married. She was the photographer (not her day job) so we didn’t get to really talk until the after party. We flirted quite a bit throughout the night (mostly instigated by her actually) but I didn’t ask her out as I was a little shy. During our conversation, she mentioned a 2nd job she had on the weekends where she was a server at a breakfast/lunch restaurant. A couple of weeks after we met, I went up there on the weekend by myself and sat in her section. She was really happy to see me and I asked her out, we exchanged numbers, etc. Ironically, it was her last day working that job, so if I had waited any longer, she wouldn’t have been working there anymore. We hit it off immediately and started a relationship a few days later. She told me how she was asking about me and heard good things and almost tried to get my number from our friend who got married. We labeled it as dating at first, but very shortly after, we labeled us being boyfriend and girlfriend.
I met her parents pretty soon into our relationship, they are divorced, so I met them separately, as well as her half-sisters from her Dad’s re-marriage. Basically, we really, really liked each other. One week I had the flu and she took care of me the entire time. She did a lot of sweet things for me and I did as well. We spent a lot of time together and like many of the same things, we are of the same ilk. We never had a argument or anything. Just excellent physical and emotional chemistry between the two of us.
Fast forward 2 months and one morning after we woke up at her place, she wanted to talk. Ouch. She said that even though we have excellent physical and emotional chemistry between the two of us (which is true), she didn’t see me as the one, but more of a friend. Ouch again. She said it was mainly because I backed away from certain things, like not completely helping her decorate her Christmas tree, not staying at her place when she wanted me to stay (the first night I was there, someone stole the catalytic converter off my car! So she usually ended up staying at my place after that happened as I was insecure about leaving my car outside her place). She would sometimes tell me how she wanted to move back to Colorado which sucked for me to hear. So I basically talked her out of wanting to break up that day. I’ve dated, but had not had a girlfriend in 8 years. I just don’t ever meet girls who I hit if off with so well. She hadn’t had a boyfriend in 1 and 1/2 years since she moved back to our city. I am more inexperienced than she is obviously. I explained where I was coming from, that I had a wall up, I was scared she could move away at anytime, I’m not used to being in a relationship, etc., and she understood.
Two days after our talk, she got fired from her main job. She actually wanted to leave her job, but didn’t get to on her own terms with something else lined up first. She also doesn’t get along with everyone in her family. She worked with her Uncle who didn’t stick up for her when she got fired. She was suddenly presented with not only her family issues, but now she was jobless and has no money saved up. She’s also taking a college course and had an exam the next day. So there’s a lot on her plate. I consoled her and did my job as her boyfriend, just being there for her that night. A couple of days after that, she sent me a “it’s too much, I just need some space right now” text. I know what that means, so I left her alone and didn’t reply.
A few days later, she wanted to come over and talk. I knew what was going to happen and she said she couldn’t be in a relationship right now. I tried not to, but I did all the wrong things. I teared up and told her I really cared for her and loved her and I didn’t want to lose her. Wrong time to say I love her, but I really do. She said she almost told me she loved me a few times but said she says that too soon to guys. She thinks I’m awesome and wants to stay friends. Ouch. I said I wasn’t sure I could do that and didn’t see how she could either knowing how I feel.
Now here’s something I’ve never heard of… We talked for awhile and she stayed to watch a movie and we exchanged back rubs after that. She fell asleep on my chest when we were on the couch too. Then it was really late and she slept over. We didn’t do anything, but she slept here. The next morning, a Tuesday, she left quickly but wanted me to come over on Friday to have dinner and hang out. I agreed, reluctantly, I was tearing up again when she left. I was so sad for the next few days and wasn’t sure if hanging out as a friend would be good for me.
So Friday came and she called. I went over thinking I might have to say that I can’t be friends. But as soon as I saw her, I just couldn’t do it. We ate dinner and then watched a movie and then another movie at her suggestion. All of this on her bed, at her suggestion. We weren’t touching during this time. Eventually she fell asleep and I just stayed and slept with her. On Saturday morning I wake up to her touching me and we had sex. I spent the day with her at her place helping her clean up her apartment because her sister/brother-in-law/nephew were coming in town for Christmas on Monday. She said at one point, with a smile on her face, that we couldn’t be just friends, that there was too much between us. I eventually left to go home late that afternoonand asked if she wanted to hang out again that night. She said yes and I came back a couple of hours later and spent the night again.
We were doing everything we had done during our relationship. Cuddling, kissing, having sex, making love, all of that. On Sunday, I spent the day there again and when I left early that evening, she said to me…”you’re coming back later, aren’t you?” It was then I knew we were back together. I came back and we spent another night together, 3 nights in a row now. So Monday (December 23), her sister was coming in town later than originally planned. She wanted me to stay so I could meet them, but I needed to get some things done, but I especially felt I needed to get her a Christmas gift since we were back together as I had returned her previous gift. We gave each other a lovey-dovey goodbye with plans that she would call me that night so I could come and meet them.
That call never came. She texted me the next morning (Christmas eve) saying sorry that she forgot, things got hectic with her family time. Of course that was b.s. I think. But I replied nicely saying I understood. She invited me over that morning, I met her sister, etc. Then we went to do our own family stuff for Chrismas eve. She texted me Christmas morning and I replied back. I ended up going to her place on Christmas night to hang out. She was nice I guess, but it’s like she wasn’t my girlfriend anymore. Cold and distant. She just did a 180 on me after the wonderful weekend we had. I felt like I maybe failed a “test” by not staying just a couple more hours to wait for her sister to get in town. Like she was telling herself, if he can’t stay just a little bit longer, I can’t be with him.
Anyway, I didn’t see her again until Friday night, December 27 (her sister went back to Colorado on the 26th). My washing machine broke, it really did, and I asked if I could do a load of laundry at her place. Of course, I wanted to see her too. We watched a couple of movies that night but she was on one side of the couch and was distant. There was no more cuddling. I left at about 2 a.m. and we both just said seeya when I left. I wasn’t happy. On Sunday, she texted me saying she finished sewing a pouch I had given to her to fix up when we were together. She was trying to get rid of my stuff, basically.
We arranged for her to drop it off the next day, Monday December 30. We talked again and I was just like what happened? What about the weekend we just had? I thought we were back together? Why did you flip a 180 on me? She claimed to not remember much about that weekend. Even asked me if we had sex. Yeah right, like she didn’t remember. So we basically had a second breakup, in my eyes anyway. She said she needed to find a job asap, anything so she could get money to pay rent, etc. She might lose her apartment. Plus all the family issues she’s dealing with. All of that is true, there is a lot on her plate. I teared up again of course.
So before she left, she said she wanted to be alone right now and she said she’d call me in a week or two when she gets her shit together. I walked her to her car and she said she’d call me in a week or two, again. I never asked her to do that. Again, this was on Monday, December 30. My b-day was on January 10 and I never heard from her in any form. I know she’s officially my ex-girl, but I was still really sad. Her birthday was on January 14 and even though I wanted to say something, I refrained from doing so.
It’s now been exactly 3 weeks since I’ve seen or talked to her. It’s been so tough, but I’ve managed to leave her be. I have left her completely alone, no contact whatsoever. I found out she still has her apartment, so she must have gotten a job serving or something to get by. I’m NOT on facebook or linkedin, but I know she’s disabled HER accounts on those sites. Probably because she’s looking for a real job still, not just waiting tables or whatever she might be doing. Deleting linkedin is weird when you’re job searching, but what do I know.
So I think I can make it another week without contacting her. That would be the 1 month mark of leaving her alone. But of course I don’t want to wait much longer than that before I reach out to her. I would never bring up the relationship, just ask her how everything is and if she wanted to hang out sometime. I’ve reflected on everything and I know in my heart and mind that I want to be with her.
What do you think Kevin? Thank you so much!
Hey Mike, thanks for comment. I think she is going through some changes in her life and when she is at a better place, she will contact you. Of course, you can also contact her after the NC period is over. However, I’ll recommend that this time before getting back together, you make it clear that you want her to commit and not just string you along.
Thanks Kevin. I can’t believe how long my story actually is after seeing it posted, so a special thanks for reading all of my story. I actually found out that she moved out of her apartment over this past weekend and is now living with our mutual friend who got married (where we met last year). She had planned on doing that due to getting fired from her job and no longer being able to afford her rent.
She told me 22 days ago she’d contact me in a week or two. That time came and went, so since her move from her apartment to our friend’s house is completed now, maybe I’ll hear from her soon. I really hope so.
If I do hear from her, do I just play it cool, happy, be her friend and ask her to do something casual? I mean I don’t ask her to commit and not string me alone right away, correct?
Thanks again Kevin!
Yeah, don’t ask her to commit right away. Have fun with her, make her attracted to you and when you think the time is right, ask her if she is ready to commit.
Hey Kevin so I pretty much fucked up with my girlfriend I kissed her friend and i decided the best way was to tell her when she got back from her trip but, she heard it from the friend. So now i don’t know what to do the reason i feel like that best describes this was that i was was feeling depressed because she said she did not have enough time for anything else ( we are both in high school and we had common things we liked) but her friend decided i should break up with her and then after talking for a while we kissed and now since I’m in the crapper i don’t know what to do part of me wants to date her because i have some residual feelings but at the same time we really didn’t do that much while we were dating it was a couple of weeks of awkward hugging and it seemed like a platonic relationship. Now i feel like anxiety is getting to me because i feel like i’ll be hated and talked about in school and further relationships within the school will be horrible
Don’t beat yourself over it. I’d suggest end the relationship you were unhappy in.
Hey Kevin, I’ve got something pretty tricky on my hands and was looking for your advice. I’ve been through the break up/get back together in my relationships, and know the magic/simplicity of no contact to re-ignite attraction, which is why I’d like to see what you think about this.
My ex and I had dated for 1.5 years. We broke things off back in September and by going no contact I was able to initiate some random hook ups with her throughout November and December. After New Years we discussed the possibility of trying and work on things. A couple weeks pass to yesterday of talking and me moving things forward (had a date lined up for Sunday) when SURPRISE! she finds out somehow about this one night back in July when I was black out drunk and ended up in a threesome with one of her friends and another girl.
Now I know I’m in the wrong, and when I sobered up I was filled with disgust in myself. It was a one time thing and I can with everything in me say I love my ex, and would take back what I did in a second, but…now I have this situation on my hands.
The only way I know she found out was because her friend from the threesome texted me with a heads up because my ex was flipping out about it/how could we keep this from her/how she’s done everything for me and ending their friendship. I haven’t heard from or gotten anything for my ex. The secrets out so I texted my ex with an apology and that she will always be one of the best things in my life. No response.
Again, when she found out, we weren’t together as a couple…a breakup which she initiated. She’s only expressed anger at her friend. I’m just dog housed, I’m assuming. I’m going forward with no contact. I’d just like to know what you think and what direction I should head. Thanks.
Well, I think if you just give her some time, she’ll realize that you didn’t do anything to hurt her. I think she is mad at her friend because she betrayed her trust. I guess no contact is the best thing to do. Give her time to sort out her feelings and she’ll contact you.
Hi Kevin, Thank you for the guide, I have my own situation… I’ve been in a relationship with my girl for 1 year and 1 month… We met at October 2012 we were happy together… I’m actually a foreign student in her country, this December 2013 she went in her native place, and she met a guy who is younger then her, she started to avoid me, she is always busy. Whenever I call her, I asked her to be in contact with me, to text me… She was texting me rarely, so I started to suspect her, and when I asked her she said that the guy was her younger sister friend. She posted a picture of her with the guy together on Facebook and whatsapp… She told me that I have killed the feelings that she had for me, .. When she came back, I saw tht pictures of her kissing that guy, I asked her and she told me that we already broke up that time she kissed the guy.. We had a fight on that day, she told me that she loves that guy since he is from her place, she told me tht the guy accept her as she is… I asked her weither they had sex together, she swear in the name of God that they didnt because she didn’t want… We are in the same college and I have to see her every day… But her new boyfriend is in her native place, she is with me here for one year since she can only go home once in a year.. I don’t know what to do.. I’ve tried to beg her but nothing happens… We use to chat if I tell her to meet me at the college side she is coming, but she rarely call me, I’m the one who always have to call… Is there any chance for me to get her back?? Since they just did one month together…
Yeah, you have a chance. Start no contact.
I have one question about these steps. My ex left me for a guy at her work she was talking to behind my back. I came home one day and her stuff was gone and she texted me letting me know she left. She has moved in with him and said she still loves me and wants to be friends. I started the no contact rule, but i am keeping cats till she finds a home for them and she is in all my classes in college. What do I do because she sits beside me still in all my classes and might want to come see cats. Do i just ignore her at school and look like an ass or talk if she talks to me? I just don’t want to look like I hate her. Also what is after class she wants to hang out do I just say no i need time right now? and if she comes to see cats do I just let her be with them alone and go into another room. This is the only step i am confused about because I have to have contact with her, but don’t want her to think I hate her.
Talk to her if she talks. Treat her like someone you are in good terms with but you are not close with. Don’t talk about anything personal. And if she wants to hang out, just tell her you can’t because you need some space and time.
Kevin,
I pulled all of the wrong things when my gf and I broke up. We split a few months ago and up until last week we would talk, I would mess up begging her and telling her how I had love for her and not understanding why she wouldn’t just be with me. She would never say she did not love me, but would ask me for space…which I just find hard to do. I pushed her to the point of just saying she would not longer talk to me about it. Have I messed up to bad to have anytype of chance for this to work? I know the last conversation we had, where I was begging her to just take me back, she was mad and I could tell just over even talking to me. I saw her the next day and she had some conversation and I went at it again and she just shut down. I know I have messed up bad in the last few months, but I am willing to try anything. Please let me know what you think.
Apply No contact.
Hi Kevin! I would like to tell you my story. I had a GF and we broke up 3 days ago after 10 months of relationship. It was very hard for me to bear. The reasons for the breakup are simple. She slowly stopped loving me and losing interest. Yet I failed to see it cause I thought that everything is allright. The it happened. In december she broke up with me, saying she could take it anymore. First I wondered why. We really really loved each other and she was so happy with me. She told her reasons, then I realised it was one of her classmates writing. She believed them that it can’t work anymore. She is a little naive… Then she apologised and told me about this and I just forgave her. We were together for a week. But then she began acting strangely, sometimes she unintentionally harmed me with words, saying something I even wasn’t. Then I broke up with her. But I was needy and selfish and fought for her. First she refused, but later she said that there might be something later. I wrote her many times and we chatted a bit overnights. Later she changed her mind again but I pleaded her and she said I should give her time. Two weeks later she asked me if I would like to try again. I said “Yes of course”. We were together again. But not for long. Two weeks have passed and everything seemed to be OK. We were writing, but she wasn’t that happy and funny as she used to be. I even visited her. Oh! I forgot! She lives 105kms away from me. Yes, it was a distance relationship. But she really loved me and didn’t mind this distance. I was with her many times. Sometimes just a weekend, sometimes several days and sometimes 1 or 2 weeks. She REALLY loved me I know that. But I developed a bad habit a month ago. I asked everything and told everything to her mother. And she didn’t like it. I tried to stop myself but I couldn’t because she didn’t tell me everything. And I wondered. Slowly, it made her angry. And on last sunday it happened. On saturday she went to a single party with her classmates. I knew everything was gonna be allright, but I still feared and I called and talked with her mother many times. When she came home she realised what I’ve done and she said that is is over between us. We argued a little bit and I even almost believed a lie from her “best girlfriend”, who said she cheated on me. Of course I shared this with her mother and she became furious and confronted her with it. But of course it turned out to be a lie, but the damage was done. However, she calmed down and said that maybe one day, we may be together again. But she said she changed and this isn’t her. She sometimes argues with her mother, and her mother also screams at her sometimes, making her angry and sad. I know she will change, she just needs time and she must jump back into her old life. She has very few friends now, but I know it will change. Today I wrote her, yesterday too. I know it was a mistake. But today she was a bit friendlier with me. Yet she doesn’t want to meet me and I understand that. Please help! Is it possible for us to be together again? How much time do you think it will take? Can she change after this? Is it worth it? I don’t know. I just read this article and now I know what to do. Thanks for the reply!
Hey Matthew,
You need to give her time. You still have a chance and it might be worth giving it a try. But for it to work, you need to stop contact for at least a month.
Yes I’ve been thinking the same. She’ll have her birthday in 3 weeks and she allowed me to at least say “happy birthday”. She did the same after the first breakup. I will definitely follow these steps as I really want her back. I’m surprised that I’m not so needy and desperate now, yet I still feel the pain and I cry a bit here and there. However I’ll make every effort to make this work. Do you think she could still love me? She didn’t love me for 3 months now. It was out of pity she stayed with me. The worst thing is, I’m unemployed… It’s hard to find a job nearby and I don’t intend to move elsewhere. Yet. Oh I’ll be working on myself for the time being. I’m going to a gym tomorrow and I’ll keep it up for several weeks. I’ll be going out with my friends and have fun. Thank you for your help Kevin, I really appreciate it! One day, I will tell you if it worked out.
Oh, one more thing. Her best friend wrote me a few days ago that this would have happened. She said that my ex doesn’t love me anymore and she wouldn’t have a relationship with me again. Does this mean something? Do I still have a chance with her? I think my ex said that sometimes we could be together again just to comfort me. I just don’t know. I just hope I still have a chance…
She contacted me half an hour ago. She asked if someone wrote me something. Does it mean something? I think she’s writing with another guy. And she was quite indifferent with me. Any tips?
Her best GF told me that she doesn’t want a guy like me, that she wants a guy who is funny and “stupid” as her and that can entertain her. She WANTS to laugh a lot! I wish I could be that man 🙁 🙁 how can I change? Is it something I can learn?
Don’t worry about that. Yo can still make her attracted to you. My advice is to try to get her back with this plan once and if it doesn’t work, move on.
Kevin, I’m sorry but it looks like I’ll disturb you more times. I want to ask a simple question. The distance gives me trouble… and the town she lives in is small and not many good places are there to meet. There is a confectionary she likes and I thought about inviting her there. IF she agrees with the meeting, should I bring her flowers, go there by train or car, and should I be funny with her or more respectful? Or generally, what would be the best thing to do in your opinion? Though I still have that feeling that she won’t want me anymore, I’m still determined to go through this.
The most important thing is to not look needy. If you try too hard to be the person she wants “funny or stupid”, she’ll look right through it and it’ll look needy. Trust me, for any girl, confidence is much more important than humour. I’d recommend be yourself, and just have fun. And no, I won’t recommend flowers. You don’t want to give the impression that you are hoping to get back together. The first meeting after no contact should be just a casual encounter where you can show her how good you are doing in your life.
It’s been a week since we broke up… Whats more, 1 year ago on this day we got to know each other (sort of an anniversary). I hope she will remember. And I hope she will remember the first anniversary of the beginning of our relationship that is now over. I hope I can start a new relationship with her. I still miss her really. I WATN her back in my life…
Good news – she recieved a gift I bought her 2 weeks ago and sent it 5 days ago. It was a handbag she really really wanted and I bought her it. Now she recieved it and then her mother called me. She said she was sooo happy! Very very happy! Then she wrote me and kindly thanked me 🙂 I think this is a good step forward. I wrote her back a few words but that’s all. I’ll leave it for the time now. I am really happy and sure. I know that everything’s gonna be allright! 🙂
Does this advice work even if they have a boyfriend?
Well i was with my ex for 2 and a half years and we had very good and fun times as well as bad times and its crazy cause we had passionate sex like we always do in the beginning of Dec of 2013 than all of a sudden after that she bearly called or text me and i didnt get a marry Christmas nothin from her i mean she would talk every now and than 2 weeks ago we ran into each other at a clothing store we talked and all she even asked me to kiss her and kept asking me so i did we played outside, and being hugged up and she said she wanna make it work and that she loves me than after she left i bearly talked to her again until 5 days later she was like i dont think i want this and that she will always love me and care for me, than feb 2 i find out she’s dating another guy on facebook they have pic on their profile i was upset asking her why she do that to me….. what should i do cause if i text her she would reply back and all… but can i get her back and how?
Hey,
I think you should apply no contact for a while and contact her again.
Good Morning Kevin !
I read your article and wanted to know if there is hope for me ? I was in a relationship for 3 years to a Hispanic Female who had never dated out of her race before . I was the first black guy she ever had a intimatment relationship with. She had express to me in the beginning that taking me home would be a problem for her parents ! Are relationship was new and I had no expectations at that point so it did not matter to me how her parents felt. Before I knew it 2 years had passed and I was in love and wanted to marry and have a family with her. I began to ask her for more time and to meet her family. She would resist my request and tell me things like my situation is not ideal to her. due to the fact I have 3 kids and was previously married to take home to her parents ! I began to feel insecure in our relationship , like she was buying time for a better option to present itself. I began to try to meet other women to fill that void ! I began meeting several women and began communicating with most of them only via text . We exchanged sexual pictures. I met 2-3 and had sex with them. Sept 22, 2013 my girlfriend caught me in the act of texting one of these girls and the S**T hit the fan ! We argued n faught on and off for two months! I told her that because she was keeping me a secret from her family was a contributing reason to why I cheated. finally in December she agreed to give me another chance to fix what we had! At that moment I realize she is a great women to accept my mistake and I truly loved her. I stop messing around and I became a open book ! She had acess to my cell phone and emails ! Things were going well for a couple of weeks and we were getting back on track. One day my girlfriend , while I was asleep decided to go through my email sent drawer and discovered all the pictures of the women I had been texting previous which made the situation real for her! Since then we have been doing the back and fourth thing for 2 months ! 3 days we are together things are great, then four days she hates me ! it driving me crazy and having a toll on me cause I don’t know what to do and she has all the control ! Finally I had to make her decide are we fixing this , do you still need time to figure things out , or is it over ! She hesitated and cried when she said its over ! I could tell she still loves me but her anger of what I did out weighs that love. Today February 7, 2014 is my first day of no contact !
Kevin am I wasting my time or is there hope for me ?
Thanks Tre
Hey Tre,
I think there’s hope. In your case, I wouldn’t recommend dating some other girl during no contact. I think you’ve already done a good job of showing her that she can trust you again, you just need to give her time to resolve her anger and forgive you. All the best!
In your article you recommend 1-2 months no contact. My situation what would you suggest ? Also I know I’m jumping the gun , but when I write the hand written letter how do I get it to her ? Do I deliver it in person by mail etc ?
Deliver it by mail. And in your case, I’ll recommend 30 days.
Kevin
I understand the no contact policy !! With V-Day being tomorrow and it being one of the biggest relationship holidays. Do I or do I not get her something special ?
No. Not unless you two are already on the verge of getting back together.
Hi Kevin
I officially made it through the No Contact !! Damn that was a beast, but now I’m down 10 pounds and feeling confident ! I just finished my handwritten letter and droping it in her mail box today ! Wish me Luck for a speedy reply back !! I know I’m thinking negative but how long do I wait before I start to send attention grabbing texts ? I know she can be stubborn so I will take it slow …
Thanks Tre
Great work. And all the best. I think you should wait a week before sending her texts.
I broke up with my ex during the christmans, due to the cultural differences 1.5 month ago next day after we broke up I apoligizes but she refused to go back together, I tried 2 more times 1-2 weeks in between, she still refused,
I did not talk to her now for about 14 days, and valentines is coming should I do anything or just leave it. I do want her back very badly. I made a very bad mistake by breaking up.
Is there any hope?
Hey,
If she has been refusing you till now, Valentine’s day won’t do much good. Finish no contact, and then contact her. But don’t tell her you want to get back together, take things slow.
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for taking the time to reading.
I recently parted with my girlfriend of 3 years. The reasons that she has given me is due to the lack of communication of our arguments they had built up and she can no longer take it and has decided that we can’t have a future. During the last month before we broke up, she has been going out alot with friends and started to be interested in another guy. After breaking up she has told me she has started seeing him. The guy that she is seeing is overseas until the end of this week. I have just started you no contact rule but I am worried I will ruin any chances due to the timing. She swears that she didn’t break up with me due to the guy but I have my doubts. She says she wants to remain friends and that she cares for me wants me to be happy.
She has said to me she no longer has emotions for me.
What should I do?
No contact will make her miss you. Give it time.
How long should I wait in my situation?
Would she lose interest since she is beginning to see another guy?
One month. And she probably won’t. Even if she does, it’ll probably be a rebound and she’ll end it eventually. It’s a risk, but it’s worth it.
Hi Kevin,
Unfortunately I have been breaking the no contact rule and today I have found out that my ex gf is now officially dating the new guy that was mentioned and is physical with him. We waited months until we slept with each other.
The sad thing is when I was speaking with her, she didn’t even sound like she cared. She did feel awkward speaking to me about it but she was at his place at the time. She sounds very happy.
Now I am at peace, knowing where I stand. I still love her and want to get her back. I have told her that we can’t be friends at this current stage and maybe one day we could meet.
Should I begin No Contact and do it properly as per the guide? From the sounds of it, do you think I will lose her?
Hey James,
Yes, apply the no contact as per the guide. You still have a chance. The other guy is probably a rebound. Girls often sleep with a rebound much faster than they would in a normal relationship.
hello! i have a bit more complicated siutation that i hope you can help me with. Ive been with an anorexic girl for 1 1/2 years and she broke up with me because i couldnt give her what she needed and her condition worsend. she said she stayed with me the last 4 months while her conditioned worsend because she didnt want to lose the man she loved but now its full and cant take it anymore. I promised things would change about me (be a real man because she felt like she was the man in the relationship) but i didnt. Immediately after the breakup he found another person that can fulfill all her needs. really like 1 week after. she says hes taking good care of her, her health is becoming better and she fell in love. the thing is, this is probably a rebound but the same thing happened with her ex before me. when they broke up, we started talking and we fell in love and we were together for 1 1/2 years. so even if this new relationship of hers is a rebound, it can still take years before something happens or they break up. my question is. if i follow the steps above. can i still get her back? i already told her i cant stay friends right now and would not contact her for a while.
I’d say try using the steps above once and if it doesn’t work, move on.
I was with my GF 20mths. We met a month after her BF dumped her after 7yrs. At first we were so happy but following some stressful situations, house moves bereavement we had some probs. each time she would say I deserved better and I would give her space. After 2 weeks she would be back on a dating site but then we would get back together.
Anyway 4 months ago we stopped talking and i let it go as I was unwell it lasted about a month. I missed her so much she ignored text so I phoned. We talked and she said she wanted to move on and was dating someone. I passed in the street and she texed me straight away. We met talked and this guy seemed to fade out. We met every day and things were very friendly, but still wanted to move on, every indication was she still loved me. I still gave space and respected her wish hoping she would give us another chance.
Then she went on a date and in a week he was her boyfriend. We still talked although she had become very aggressive. She said I was on the rebound loved me but not in love and had always wondered if she should have looked for others. Which in part explained pushing me away. Within a month she was deeply in love with this guy.
I did not communicate as well as I now know I should and a lot thats been said indicates she struggled also.
She has been with him for 3 months and for the best part he stays or she stays over night so really living together. I have done the NC and this week spoke to her as her son has been in touch as I had engaged with family during time together. We had a good catch up and she did call me when asked to sort problem.
I loved her to bits reassured and complimented her all the time.
My instinct is this is not over even thought I am sure there is someone better for me keep coming back to her.
3 months is a long time am I just fooling myself????
Great article can relate to it all
Well, give yourself a time limit. If you can’get her back in the next 3 months, move on.
First off, I want to thank you Kevin for this guide. I wish I had found it sooner.
So here’s my situation. I was with my ex for 4 and 1/2 years. She was my first love and I was hers. We felt we were a married couple and I felt we both neglected and took each other for granted (perhaps I neglected her more). We were arguing a lot the last few months until finally she broke it off over the phone but still wanted to remain friends.
During the first month and a half after the break, I did the whole chasing (write to her how I could change, we can work it out etc.) During this time, she asks if I started dating someone and I lie to her that I did because of people’s advice. We went out a couple of times in the middle of November, had sex both times. After the “dates”, I’ve always pressured her about the relationship and she told me I should move on because we are not meant to be with each other but she would still like to be friends. I said no so I left her alone and for about 2 weeks of NC she contacted me to ask for favorite jacket if I had it. We talked on the phone and I told her I was doing great but know I didn’t see it. She asked me again if I was seeing anyone and my reply to her was “it was complicated”.
A couple of weeks later, she greeted me Merry Christmas and I said you too and left her alone. New Years came up and I greeted her, she replied back. A few days later I find out she started going to clubs and dating and so I asked her out that night to go out with me, she said she couldn’t but she agreed to meet me the next day. I made her laugh and had a good time but later that night I couldn’t help talking about our old relationship and how things were not doing good with my parents as well (dumb I know). In the end, she said she had fun however and she gave me a hug without me initiating it. We texted that night and in the morning after that, I left her along for 5 days before asking her out again. I called her and she said she can’t go out with me unless we’re just friends. I told her I care about her so if she changes her mind, to call me.
About a week passed and I gave her a text about how movies and songs are wrong and that giving up is the only way to go (I was being really needy now as I know she was still seeing this guy). No reply. The next week, she says thanks for the papers and best of luck. I replied that if it was good bye, then bye and I wrote a long message of how nice and perfect our first 3 and a half years together etc… acting needy.
4 days passed and I called her on her birthday I told her I wanted to take her out if its the last time we’ll see each other but she said no because she said I was acting crazy and immature. She hung up. I knew she was still dating the guy and even inviting him to her house for her birthday party to meet her family as her friend. She only has a few close friends. She does not know I know this. I apologized a couple of times that night and in the morning. She ignored both.
A couple of days later, I Facebooked her Happy Chinese New Year best of luck on your school, career and dating life. She seemed really appreciatve of it putting exclamation marks and smiley and said “good luck on everything!” It sounded like good bye. That was February 1st and I have not spoke to her since. It kills me to think that she’s probably a couple with him now.
P.S. She’s still friends with my family on Facebook.
Kevin, sorry for the long post but I’m really tired of messing up and I would gladly accept any advice you can offer.
Thanks AJ
Also want to know if there is still hope.
I really appreciate what you’re doing. Thanks again! AJ
Hey, yes you have a chance. You haven’t really gone long without contacting her. So apply no contact rule, at least for 60 days. Then contact her again and don’t talk about getting back together, at least for 2-3 weeks.
Am starting to get over her now. Will do that however and see if I still want her back. Never saw it before but no matter what, moving on is really the best option. Kevin, thank you for giving your time and answering all our questions!
I’ve searched online but no one seems to have a definitive answer on how to handle Birthday wishes. My birthday is on Monday and I’m not sure if it’s a good thing if she does not wish me a good one but how should I react if she does?
AJ
This is an awesome guide. I’m going through a really tough time. Just 6 days of dating and she broke up with me (she liked me for a long time though). 4 days later she got a new boyfriend. I stil have feelings for her but I will take your advice and just lay low by not contacting her at all ad working on myself.
All the best!
I made a terrible mistake. One, that’s impossible to correct. She broke up with me, on december 31 2013, so it’s been little more than a month. I stick to the no contact thing, she texted me the first days, and then she send me an email saying she was sorry for the breakup, but told me to live and all that stuff, and to move on, and all that stuff. so it was hurtful and i called her to try to change her mind. we got into an argument and everything went horrible. I din’t call her again in a while, until i was ready to pick all my stuff, erase all her photos both physically and on fb, destroy every letter and all that stuff. maybe she got a bad reading with that, and then she started posting song on fb about love, and about hate, and how drunk and stoned she was (although, this was a joke bye her friends), long story short, she wanted attention. So my sisters got mad and erased her on fb (they where from, “calm down, you may fix your relationship” to “she’s a bitch, just move on”, well, she’s 3 year younger than me, maybe we just have different views on how to handle thing with maturity). Then after all that, i decided that i wanted my stuff, a sweater, sunglasses, and cardbox speakers, a gift from my sister I gave to her just so she could customize them with her art, and then return, thing she never finished in our 4 year relationship (without counting all our previos meetings, i know her since she was 13, now i’m 24 and she’s almost 22). the thing is i told her she could leave them with the laundry person so we didn’t meet. i went to her house and she only leave my sweater and not the speakers nor the sunglasses. I got mad and i told her that that was the last thing i asked for her and that she didn’t even need to see me. she replied with a “Sorry, i got late and tired from the work, the las thing i think of is your stuff”. i was angry. so i decided f it, i don’t need that stuff, i just wanted to fell like there was a closure and no other open business in our agenda. This saturday, i received a call from a friend saying that my ex was seen one of my friends “gay friend”(i already knew this because instagram) but the problem was not that, the problem was that my ex’s so angry at me that she’s talking horrible things of me, some that are not completely true (because obviously she’s omitting her part on those arguments), and not only that, in her anger she’s talking about our intimacy as if it was a joke or something you can talk to someone who’s not your real friend (my friend told me something, only my ex could know, so there’s no chance he had invented that gossip). obviously this person came with the gossip to my friend, saying all kind of thing about me, that i’m the devil himself and stuff and that my ex was already sleeping whit someone else. The intimacy thing broke my heart, the other guy in her life, well, it hurts but it’s not what’s killing me. How did she betray me like that? how could she? so i called her to tell her that that was the worst thing she could have done, that she has no respect for what we had, she obviously said that wasn’t true and she hanged up the phone. i called her back, to no answer, and the text her on fb about that and that she should be careful who she talks to and what she says. then she replied with “tell me who was it and i will confront them” i said: “forget it, give my stuff and i don’t want to know anything from you ever again” fb told me she read it but never gave an answer. no im regretting saying that, i do want her in my life, i do love her, i know her and i know she’s sayin all that hurfull stuff because she’s hurt (an even maybe this dork has said some gossip stuff that’s not true at all) and she’s reaaaaaally terrible at handling emotions (as so i’m). i think this doesn’t have a remedy, i cant forgive her even though i really want (and i’m finding my reasons to) but… at the end is her call, and i think she doesn’t really want to return with me. i think she’s already in the indifference stage. she knows i’m needy but she doesn’t know i have a new job, a new haircut, a new look, and that i’m improving myself (i am awesome, i know that for a fact because people i care, care about me in a genuine way (except well my ex)). what’s your call ? we had almost a moth of NC but because of this it’s all broken again. i fell it’s beginning a new month. sorry for my english, it’s not my main language. thanks Kevin.
Hey,
It’s not as bad as you think. Give it another month and see if you can forgive her. Time will heal your wound and hers as well. I don’t think she is indifferent right now. Especially since she is talking about you. And I don’t think she’ll be indifferent one month from now. So yeah, just follow the guide and hope for the best.
Hey kevin tnx for this good advices so my story is that me and my gf we were tougether for 2 years and we started fighting and stuff like that so she broke up with me because i found out she was seen someone else when she was with me and i even sayed sorry i have changed and i want us to really work out i really love this girl both i really broke her heart with all the fight i don’t know if it is a rebound she is having right now because my friend told me they fight much and all and they are a cuple for 3months i’m in NC now for 15 days and i will try something in 15 days more hope i get her back because i really care about her and i really really love her!!
All the best!
Sooo im still in NC rule been doin it since last friday so today makes a week , so all of a sudden my ex text me this morning happy Valentine’s day even tho she has a boyfriend.. what should i do kevin stick with the NC or what?? And what does it mean
Don’t reply. It just means she misses you and still has feelings for you. But it doesn’t change your plan. Stick to it.
So today i’m going to England and she texted me i wish you have a great time and good luck what does that meen?
Kevin-
My story is complicated and long, but I’ll try to condense it. First, thanks for the site and the advice.
The lady in question and I have seen each other long distance over the space of 5 months. We only saw each other 4 times and live on separate coasts, so much of our relationship has been over the phone. We have a history, however, as we have known each other 40 years and dated seriously in college, had a hookup a few years later before she got married, I got married and we lost touch with each other until 2008, when I located her on Facebook. We are both near 60. She is coming out of a long and unhappy marriage with a man who was very controlling and emotionally abusive. I am coming out of a 13 year marriage, my second, that ended with some infidelity on my wife’s part.
The other factor is that I have pretty much carried a torch for this lady the entire time, once telling someone that she was really the only woman I truly loved. She was the type who couldn’t settle down when she was young and when we hooked up then I made the decision we were better as friends as I would want her for myself while she had multiple boyfriends.
Late in August she contacted me and we had lunch. The reconnection was immediate and strong so I asked her to return and we had a very brief weekend together with a plan for me to visit her in January. I purposely was trying to keep it low key. Soon, however, she indicated she wanted to see me again so we met in a neutral location and spent 4 very happy days together. After this trip she indicated concern that she be the sole source for my happiness, so I backed off a little but still suggested perhaps I visit her on the other coast. Quickly she became all about it again and we planned not only that trip but a second one a month later. Within a couple of weeks she was backing off again and even though we had a great time with my visit, I could tell she was not as into it as me. I guess I should add that our physical relationship is something special and that is a high priority for both of us. Two days after I returned she called me to break it off, saying she wasn’t ready for a boyfriend and she could tell that’s what I wanted. Having told her I still wanted to be her friend, I stayed in touch and eventually she came back around, but not before visit number 2 was cancelled.
Flash forward to January and she is backing off again, this time saying she has to work on making herself happy first. After a brief flash of selfishness, I accepted it and dropped back into the role of supportive friend again. Within 2 weeks she was back in again, saying her heart missed me and asking me to come visit, where we would be laid back with no pressure. I agreed and went for 9 days at the end of Jan.- first of Feb. She lived her life, I tagged along when it worked, entertained myself at other times, but we basically chilled and did nothing overly special. Things went really well for 7 days…or at least I thought so. At one point she even said she loved me and would never screw me over even though she wasn’t sure she could fix herself. Then a very small incident on day 7 turned her from hot to cold immediately. Unfortunately, I took it personally and although we never really had an argument, we never recovered. Everything I said reflected my own insecurity and it was all taken as passive-aggressive by her designed to blame her for everything. When she told me why she was mad and said it was over (the anger), it still didn’t feel that way.
Finally, on the last afternoon, she asked me what was next for us. I suggested she visit me and then she said she wasn’t sure we had a future. I asked what was wrong with enjoying what we had now. She said it just wasn’t there for her. When she broke up the first time she thought she had a problem, but now she knows she’s OK, it’s just not there for her, but she still wanted to be friends. I asked would it change again and she said I can’t do that to you. The remainder of the night we went to drink and eat, talked with her giving me what I felt were some mixed signals while continuing to advise me about my life, including stating at one point that if I moved to her coast we could be neighbors. I made the huge mistake of asking her if she wanted us to sleep separately and that’s exactly what she did, telling me “well, you brought it up”. It felt like punishment. As I prepared to fly out the next morning she called me into the bedroom and told me that she didn’t have time to take me to the airport and make her planned activity so she had called a cab. As I sat beside her on her bed while we talked, I noted that she had on a nightie that I had given her (friends would tell me later there was a reason for that), she was warm and tender as she told me she was glad that I came, sorry things didn’t work out, and that she hoped everything worked out for me personally. I told her the same and that God would work things out for the best of everyone. She said she hoped so. We hugged and kissed as I left.
After the long flight back, I spent the night with friends (a married couple) who had been virtually witness to the entire affair since August, who knew about the first breakup, etc. Without any hesitation, they both said she was obviously scared of getting hurt, confused about what she wants, and just needs time and space then eventually she will come around. I myself don’t know, but I miss her badly as we talked virtually every day for over 5 months, sometimes for hours…I so miss the sound of her voice. At the urging of my friend’s wife, I sent her roses the next day with the simple note saying that my heart missed her, please come to my coast. The next day she texted “thank you for the flowers”. With my buddy’s help I also constructed a very casual email thanking her for opening up her life and home to me, how much I enjoyed everything and leaving the door open for her to come see me in the spring. It was all positive and let her know that I was here if she needed anything. The only other communication was a brief text exchange the night before she left on her trip to Cabo last Monday. It was pleasant and brief, about 5 lines each with me saying “hope you have a great trip” as my final word. I sent a very unromantic valentine card which she will get upon her return.
Yesterday I found this site and with my friend’s advice am now committed to the no contact rule. I already have done one worksheet and it was interesting that you talk in today’s email about Facebook stalking and discerning secret meaning behind her status updates as that is what I have found myself doing..LOL! In addition to the distance issue, we have financial and lifestyle differences. She doesn’t work and her income from her ex equals about 10 times what I make in a year while I am a pretty working class guy. She also likes to drink and party while I have been sober for over a year. What can I say? As I told her, I’m a believer. No contact is hard for me as it goes against my Christian grain of always stepping forward in love, but I am convinced it is right for now.
Sorry for the novella. Lucky you got the condensed version. Your comments about my chances in the long run are welcome. I plan on dating and doing everything else your program suggests to the best of my ability, despite the fact that my heart is not always in it. Thanks, Kevin.
I think you are on the right track and you have a good chance. Thanks for your comment and all the best.
Kevin-
As I told you, this lady and I have been friends before as well. I have always taken the gentle approach with her and , frankly, all of her relationships have been troubled and without tooting my own horn, I am the only nice guy in the bunch.
She called me last night to thank me for the Valentine. We stayed on the phone about 20 minutes talking about our families, her trip to Mexico she just returned from, a variety of things. I said nothing about any future plans and kept it casual. Thanked her for calling and we hung up without any plans for another call. I was, nonetheless, very surprised that she called. What do you make of this? Thanks.
She obviously misses you.
Seems there was more. About 90 minutes after we hung up I got an email from her saying “Hi- Sorry I called. Just wanted to say thanks for the valentines card”. At my married buddy’s advice, I ignored the whole sorry thing and wrote back something a little more fun. While I’ m no genius at this, obviously, even I can figure out that even though her email is meant to say I don’t want to lead you on, what it really says is that 90 minutes later she is still thinking about me. Correct? Thanks again.
You’re awesome!
Hey Kevin I have a question, how do you figure she miss me and still have feelings for me?
Oh and btw about the handwritten letter I dont kno her address anymore… so what do i do about that.
I mean should i give the letter to a friend so they can take it to her or place the letter onto her car help please cause i really want the letter to stand out yu kno so what should i do? And sorry about all the comments by the way
She isn’t stopping texting me what do i dooo????
Tell her you need some space and time and you’ll contact her after some time.
Well my ex jus text me around 11:48pm and said i guess yu not talkin to me now thought we was friends but okay…. What do that mean and what do i do cause i dont wanna lose her
Don’t reply. If she continues contacting you, send her a text telling her you need some space and time for yourself.
Hello…
I wanted to thank you for writing such a great post and helping so many people.
Here’s my story. Me & my ex dated for around a year before she shifted to another city to pursue her post grad degree. We were doing fine for sometime. But soon the cracks started showing and eventually she left me for this other guy who understood her more. I did all the mistakes that could be done by a postbreakup guy. But then i read your post and applied the NC rule. She went crazy. Literally txting and calling me all day. But one day after 2 weeks she wrote that she broke up with the guy and came back to me. We did fine for 2 weeks. Then suddenly she tells me that she wants to part ways and that the guy is back in her life. This has left me shattered. I dunno what did i do to deserve this. Nonetheless, after she left, i’ve not contacted her. Its been almost a week now. What should i do now?
Continue no contact. She’s confused and if she comes back, she might leave you again. Long distance are hard and even if she comes back, you’ll have trust issues with her. Make sure you are ready to go through that before getting back together.
Hi Kevin,
I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years 11 months ago now. It was quite a nasty break up and I severed all contact with her while she was still in love with me by calling me everyday only for me to completely ignore her. After a few weeks she stopped contacting me and said she was moving on and throughout this time I realised I made a mistake and decided to crawl back to her. She was willing to talk to me and gave me a few opportunities to impress her by taking her out to dinner and spending a little time here and there but she always insisted that it was nothing more than friends; I got complacent with this idea and decided to sit back and get comfortable. She then began to fully move on from me and then 5 months ago she hooked up with another guy and we had an argument about it – we broke contact for the entire next month. I love her dearly and I couldn’t stop thinking about her so after 30 days I sent her a letter saying how I am trying to move on and that she will always have a special place in my heart. She responded to the letter visibly angry over how I broke her heart but she says that she forgives me and that she wants to be friends. We speak nearly everyday just how we have done for almost 5 years now and at times it feels like we are still together but once I continued to declare my feelings she claimed that she has no love left for me in the relationship sense – she merely loves me a friend. 4 months have gone now and I feel completely and utterly helpless in the “friendzone” – I have asked her out on dates, I have played it cool at times but there have also been times when I have poured my heart out completely to her and each time I have been rejected. I am writing this now because I asked her for a date on valentines day and she said no once again, and she has now given me an ultimatum of being friends with her or having nothing at all. I am scared of this prospect because I know eventually that she will meet someone else and everything will change – I am the only person she has ever slept with, I am 21 and she is 20 and it is difficult to maintain physical contact with her because I live a fair distance away at University while she works back where I am from. She insists that she is ready to date now but when I have asked to date her she rejects me because of our past. She claims that she is young and wants to see where her life takes her and that she doesn’t want to go down the same route with me again. I have tried to persuade her otherwise, I have sent gestures continuously and invest a lot of my emotional efforts into her but it only continues to make me miserable through rejection. I now have the ultimatum of being friends with her or having nothing – I truly love this girl and I can’t picture my life in the future being with anyone else. Is it possible to get out of this friendzone and become an item again? If so, how would I do this? I am thinking about doing the NC rule again and seeing where it takes us but I feel that because we have already done that and it resulted in me being friendzoned it may continue to be the case.
Sorry for the long post!
George
Hey George,
I think the best thing for you to do right now is to tell her that you can’t be friends with her. Cut her out from your life. I know it’s really hard to do, but it’s your best option of eventually getting back together. If you choose to stay friends, she’ll date other guys while you’ll always be miserable seeing her with someone else. On the other hand, if you choose to let her go, she might date other guys and you might date other girls, but in the end, if you two are meant to be together, you’ll come back to each other. She’ll respect you more if you choose to let her go and you’ll have a better chance in the future to get back together.
So I was dating this girl for about 4 years (slightly longer) and a month ago or so she called me and said that we “needed to talk.” We met at a local nature center and there she told me that she “thought we should break up.” Throughout the course of the relationship I’ve had my struggles with depression and self-confidence as well as just emotional instability (having to drop out of college for a bit, not being able to hold a job, being needy) but she never really seemed to be that bothered by it because we really loved each other and she supported me through most of it. Then during the last 2 months of the relationship or so she seemed distant and there really wasn’t any affection there that had been there over the 4 years. There had been times over the past year or two that she had reached out to me to try and change some things about myself but I wasn’t really able to because of the depression (and very recently diagnosed A.D.D.) When she broke up with me I was so lost, we had our whole lives planned out together and i had no idea how this was even possible for her to do. She said that she just wanted to be friends and didnt think she could ever consider dating me again. I did the usual stupid stuff (i love yous, begging, reasoning, etc.) for about two weeks following the break up and probably only pushed her further away 🙁 I haven’t contacted her since the beginning of February but I stayed in contact with her friends and that didn’t help my case at all (which i have now ceased). I really love this girl…I was going to propose to her later this year and I would do anything to start anew. She means the world to me and right now its hard to gauge what she’s thinking and what i should do in hopes of trying to win back her heart.
Start no contact and follow the guide.
Did the no contact and spent a lot of time really focusing on myself and what went wrong. She contacted me a few days ago and since i was in a good place i decided to respond (it was only 2 days before the 30 day period ended). Things still seems kinda tense. She doesn’t really seem to trust me or have much of anything but negative emotions towards me. She told me that she had recently started dating someone else and i told her that i support her in finding her own happiness and looking for the best in life. All of the signs im getting are that she is still distant and pretty closed to me however we did agree to meet up and chat for a little while this coming weekend. I’m kinda lost as to where to go from here especially with the new boyfriend in the picture. I’m continuing to just focus on what i can control for now (which is me and continuing to make positive changes in my life). She dropped plenty of hints about the new guy and even though we were together for 4 years and she started dating again a month after the break up im not really getting the impression this is a rebound.
The fact that she is trying to get you jealous about the new guy indicates that it’s probably a rebound. I can be wrong though.
It will take a little time to figure out what kind of relationship it really is. My impression is that she jumped at the first guy who gave her that type of attention but she seems very enamored with him. Could be rebound but mentally for her it doesnt seem that way.
Most of the people in rebound relationship don’t think it’s a rebound. They realize it only after they’ve broken up.
Hey Kevin, it’s me Matthew again. I was thinking a lot. I made a lot of trouble for the last few days. I wrote her a few times and she wrote back. But she was very indifferent with me and said that she doesn’t want me anymore. In fact she said we will NEVER be together again. Now, I know it was just of anger and she didn’t really mean it. I just found out so things about our relationship. Her mother told me that she wrote with my ex’s best girlfriend and she told her that my ex doesn’t love me anymore, she kind of hates me and she just pities me and that’s why she left me. This happened in the middle of last december. So, now I screwed up again, 2 days ago it was. She is angry on me. But I read this article again and analyzed the causes of our breakup. It’s sort of a mix of the 1., 2. and 3. reason. So now I’m really confused. She told me that she’s fine alone. She WANTS to be alone so she doesn’t want any other guy. I am sure of it. Is there still a way for us to be together again? I know she lost all of her trust in me… But still, I really WANT her back in my life! She wants time and I will give it to her. I reckon it will take more than one or two months. What do you think Kevin? Is there still hope even after this?
Also, I noticed she is secretly viewing my profile on Facebook and another social network. So I think she is beginning to miss me. Also, her mother told me that she didn’t remove my picture or any gifts from her table. She sees it every day. I know it might not mean anything, but after our first smaller breakup she removed it. But not now. What do you think? Will she eventually start missing me? And how do I know if she misses me despite of the distance between us?
Hey, Kevin, it’s me again. I’m still continuing no contact like you suggested. However, I forgot to mention that she had told me several times before that she just wants to be friends. Is writing the letter still a good idea after 60 days?
Upon rereading my post, apparently, I did NOT forget. I will continue to follow your advice. Best regards AJ
Cool. All the best!
Hey Kevin,
I read through your articles..very helpful. So here’s my deal. Just over a year ago I was dumped. We had dated for about two and a half years until then and of course I was completely devastated. It was completely out of the blue. Although for most of the relationship we were madly in love. Each others first loves but none the less in love. With advice from friends I stopped taking to her after a short time of begging(not my proudest moment) A couple months after the break up I started dating someone else. She was a very nice girl and I actually thought I was in love with her. I was content with not talking to my ex for several months. Then after a while my ex(who was still single) started writing to me and telling me that she missed talking to me. After a couple months of us texting a little back and forth I started realizing that I was really in love with her. In fact, I had never actually stopped loving her. My new relationship as I began to realize, was a distraction from my ex. But I had met up with my ex and actually hung out with her a couple times over the next couple months and…I’m not particularly proud of this..but we kissed the times we hung out. We also held hands and hugged and well..made out. Even both were drinking on our own and had phone sex one night. We went for walks and saw a movie. And that night we looked into each others eyes just like when we first met. She even admitted to me a month after we kissed that she didnt regret kissing me and that she felt something. And during these times of hanging out talked about our relationship and what we both did wrong. You see right after the break up she knew what she was doing was right. She was one semester away from graduating college and felt that I wasn’t fulfilling or meeting the little things she had asked me to work on. I admit I should have tried more and looking back there were signs of the break up coming but I was too stupid to see them. Anyway, the break up was right before Christmas. By the late summer we started hanging out again and by fall we had talked about what went wrong. By September/October she had now admitted that she should have given me another chance like I originally begged for. She said she messed up and would take it back if she could. Over the summer she also said that if we were ever both single in the future maybe we could work something out. I know, a maybe isn’t a guarantee but hey, it’s something. Anyway, I started to realize that I wanted to be with her more than my current girlfriend. There was a point this last October when my ex and I would text everyday. Flirting with each other and taking almost every night on the phone before bed. One night she even broke down a little over the phone when she asked me if I loved my current girlfriend, which at the beginning of the summer I told her I did. But in reality I didn’t. So after the night that we made out she got kinda quiet and didn’t talk to me as much. She later said she felt really guilty and didn’t know what to do. She also said I can’t ask you to break up with her cause I don’t know if I want to get back together or not. And she said that she felt something when we kissed but she didn’t know if that was enough. And I understand that no matter what, she didn’t want to be responsible for a break up and was ultimately protecting herself, which I get. She said she felt confused and that’s all he had at that time. I told her that I was going to break up with my current girlfriend because it was what I wanted to do. But that also I wanted to get back with her cause she(my ex) is a priority in my life. And that Im willing to make it work if she is. and a month earlier when we had this same talk she said she needed some time process. She had even admitted that I had changed for the better since the break up. So in October of 2013 I told her I was gonna go through with the break up. For some reason it took me longer than I thought and I didn’t communicate with my ex for about a month. The current girlfriend I had..we finally mutually ended that relationship and shelved back home. A long ways away. She is dating someone now and I’m happy for her. But I’m really in love with my original ex. Back to her. So after I became single again I started texting my ex again after only a couple texts here and there over the previous month. I talked to her on the phone one night to tell her I was single again only to find out she had just started dating a guy she works with. Of course this news stuck me in the heart but I dealt with it better than I did the break up. Now, my buddies theory is that during my idiotic month that I took to break it off with the other girl..my ex thought I might not ever do it. And that she might have been getting pressure to date this guy from her coworkers. That night I found this out..I ended the convo with telling her that I want her to be happy but I believe that the people her and I have become and have grown into because of the break up are very well suited for each other and that I believe we can work and if I’m lucky enough maybe someday I can show it to her. She started dating this guy around thanksgiving or the beginning of last December. Its been almost 3 months now. I text her here and there just catching up as what not. Trying to keep the convo exciting. She seems to be happy but then again why would she show if she’s not. I really do love her with all my heart and want to be with her. At the same time I’m doing my best to find peace within my self. I guess my question is..given what you know..and after what her and I have been through both in the relationship and our times hanging out last fall..do I still have a good shot at getting her back? Given the circumstances? I still have hope but I’m just wondering if you think it can still happen.
Your response would be much appreciated. Again, thanks so much.
John
Hey Kevin it’s John again,
I forgot to add that my friend thinks that my ex is in a rebound relationship cause of everything we went through last fall we were “practically dating” as he calls it. And the fact that she moved to this guy so quickly could almost make it a rebound. And perhaps that could have been a reason why she felt confused last October. Would you think it’s safe to say this could be a rebound for her?
Thanks again
John
Hi Kevin,
It’s John one more time haha. I forgot to put this in the two previous messages. The night that my ex told me she wast single anymore..I told her that I believed we would be really great together. And that I believed in us and if she ever believes in us again she has my number. All she said after she let me talk was okay. I don’t know of that was her just being nice or of she really took it to heart. She could have just as easily said sorry I’m not interested. I don’t want to be with you. But all she said was okay. To this day we text here and there but sometimes I still feel confused because some times she will text me random things out of the blue and she doesn’t have to but she does. And I know that’s great but other times she doesn’t seem that interested in talking to me and gives me really short answers. My good friend and his girlfriend think that she is still confused and doesn’t fully know what she wants with this. Even though by her texts she seems happy. Do you think it’s really possible that after all this time she could still be confused? I still get upset with myself for waiting a whole month to end my last relationship because maybe my ex and her boyfriend could have been avoided. But I can’t go back in time so I have to figure out how to fix things from here. Also, do you think I’ve missed my second chance and window with her? Or like I asked before, still have a good chance with her?
Again thank you so much
John
Yes, you do still have a chance with her. Don’t think about the one month you waited to breakup. I think if she was that much interested in getting back together, she would’ve called you before starting a relationship with the other guy. I do however, agree with your friends that the new guy could be a rebound. I think the best thing for you to do right now is keep doing what you’ve been doing. Yes, she is confused about her feelings and she might just break up with the new guy after a while. Here’s what I suggest, give it a couple of months, and then ask her out. Have a fun time with her and see how she responds. If she seems interested in you, tell her you want to get back together.
Hey Kevin,
Thanks for getting back to me. And thanks for the advice. My theory for her starting this new relationship was because she hadnt heard from me in that whole month time really and possibly figured, well he’s obviously not gonna do what he said he was gonna do and she gave this other a guy chance. I also figure he was trying to be with her for some time before that. Anyway, I mainly wanted to see if what happened last fall was my last window of opportunity or if it could come around again. During the talks that her and I had she admitted being scared that she would feel those things again if we got back together..although I’m sure those feelings are natural, especially this being the first big break up in both of our lives. Sure we were each others first true loves but I know that it’s still there for me and I believe it can return if not fully return for her too.
Regarding your suggestion of me keep on doing what I’m doing…were you just referring to me living my own happy life or also talking to her ocassionally in texts? Or should I stop completely for a couple months?
Thanks again for the advice.
John
Living your own life and talking to her occasionally in texts.
Hi ..my eX is dating a new guy. We broke up 2months ago..nd i applied the no_contact rule only for 4dayz..done the attraction mathod also…and shes already sending me masseges ..like i miss you..wht should i do..please reply me asap
hii kevin , can u pls help me ?! we guys were in a relationship for two months but at that time also she was in a relationship(not exactly) with other guy (childhood love ) … later she got changed , so I decided to leave her bcoz those guys were like childhood relation.. but when I started leaving she was scared and became started behave normally like before .. but when I overreacted for something I cried infront of her, telling I sincerely love her , she said like dont take anything to heart … she started changing again then I slowly started reducing talking with her and moved with another frns almost like nc. … she tried to contact me but I use to make it short ..she also left me after small fight (not fight ) , she thought like I would say sorry but I didnt say , so breakup… after that I moved with another girls (just friend ship, earlier I use to be around her ).one day she texted me like she will never speak with me … but now I am feelng like I want her….what can I do ? can I contact her ? its been like 2months … but she was seeing other guy !
Yeah, contact her and see how she responds.
Hey Kevin, sorry for disturbing. Please see my new comments just a bit above. I know it’s irritating but please, I just need help. :/
Hey thanks for the reply, Kevin. Lifted my spirits a bit. But frankly i feel lost. Long one ahead. Sorry!
I’d known my ex for 4 years. We were best friends for 2 years. She was commited to another guy when i met her. She’d been having a rocky phase. I was there for her then. She was also there by my side when i was having troubles in life. We dated for a year and then i proposed her. It was all smooth for another year till she left for another city and i was all weird because i missed her and it was a close relationship to an LDR in a flash. I barely could do anything.
Her present bf entered when we were having troubles and he took advantage of it. I wonder how could she forget everything that we had.
Even for the brief period that she returned, she behaved as if we were back again. I sent her whatever she asked for. Be it clothes or cash, i obliged. I was there for her! But the second time that she left is what hurts. Been in NC for more than a week now. Honestly, i dunno where is life headed towards.
Thanks for reading
You’ll start feeling better. Give NC some time.
hey… Sorry if i’m disturbing… I forgot to mention that her present boyfriend stays in my city.. So they’ve been in a long distance relation from begining… Apart from a few meetings.
I’ll do as you said. Maintain NC.
I have with ma gf for 2years now.On the way I saw some tins which suggested she was cheating whenever i confront her she threathens we should breakup but I love her soo much.I got fed up and we broke up and she blocked me on her phone,whatsapp and facebook and I found this site abt a month ago and I followed all the steps I contacted with another number only yesterday and shes still angry I realy want her
There’s a good chance she was cheating. It’s a common sign for girls who are cheating to get angry and threaten breakup when they are afraid of getting caught. I will recommend you follow no contact for at least 60 days and go on at least 5 dates before getting back together.
hi, I’ve been single for 2 months, from an almost 5yr relationship. the thing is that my ex is… I’m afraid she’s in bad steps again. when wee started dating she was kinda crazy, a little vicious here an there. I didn’t care as long a she was conscious that it would not lead her anywhere. anyway, she changes with me, she stopes drinking that much, she stoped snorting and smoking and stuff, she got a job and she started bounding with my family and we were actually very family like, we started enjoying time tome feather more than partying and stuff. the thing is that now that she’s single, she looks amazingly happy, she just writes about her drunk and stoned status, about who’s availed to sell some mj, and how happy she’s. It makes me sad that she’s that happy, I mean, how could she? then again I’m terrribly sad if she’s actually that much into that stuff again. I though that if she was happy for something, was because I actually cared for her future, but maybe she’s denying me that much that she just hate “what I did to her” just out of anger. I felt I was such a good influence on the long term to her, that she learned a lot about the good and the bad, but I just feel I was with another chick, someone who never existed, and that her real her is this vicious person. thanks Kevin for reading
Hey Yisus,
It’s quite possible that she is not happy and she is using the drugs and alcohol to suppress the sadness inside her. Perhaps the reason she is back to her old ways is because this way she doesn’t have to face the pain of the breakup.
Hey Kevin John again,
So she just texted me saying she was going through some clothes in her closet and asked if I wanted my old leather jacket back I gave to her during our relationship. I don’t really care if I fit get it back or not. But my question is what are my chances still to this day if she’s asking if I want stuff back. It doesn’t feel like it’s a good thing. Your response would be really appreciated. Thank you.
John
Hey John, It doesn’t really mean anything IMO. Don’t overthink it.
Ok so i’m still in NC and i have whatsapp today i updated my status to something random and it was conected to her so she put her profile picture with this new guy do you think she might want to make me jelous? Because i can see at that pic she is still wearing my scarf…Help!
Hi Kevin,
Let me start by saying that your articles are really helpful and they help us understand some things that are difficult to explain. My ex has broke up with me some days ago and I can’t figure a reason why she did that. Everything was good and we talked well and it seemed that our relationship was going well. However, she started talking a lot to a friend of ours and when she broke up with me the reason, according to her, was that she was confused and needed time and space. Before breaking up she told me she needed time to think but in the next day she had a familiar problem and she texted me telling me she was feeling bad and crying. I knew she wanted me to go meet her so I did it and she told me she liked what I did. When she broke up with me she said that she needs to reconquer and to be reconquered so she continues to text me like everything is alright and I know it isn’t. I wanted to stop contacting her so she would miss me but I am afraid she will forget me and move on to another guy. Other problem is that we share the same group of friends so that is a possibility I might see her sometimes. Do you think it is possible to get back with her? Will this other guy be a rebound?
I would really like you to answer me I don’t know what to do. Thanks.
It’s OK if you see her sometimes. Just make sure that you don’t talk to her about anything personal. Yes, the other guy is probably a rebound.
hey kevin so i am applying you advice, i am offically one week into no contact but im not sure if i did too much damage before reading this….we had been fighting for two weeks probably four hours a day of arguing, me asking her to take me back. well i asked her friend for advice and her friend’s advice did work for that night. she was not ready after we had sex that night to come back and i felt that the night was a make or break one, so i suggested that she go back to her ex and i wasn’t happy sharing her emotionally with him, she absolutley flipped and told me never to contact her again and to lose her number, i did contact her though and ended up hearing from her ex husband to stay away from her and move on. her friend that was on my side has also stopped talking to me and unfriended me on facebook as my ex did, we belong to one group on facebook and that is all we really see of each other at all…do i have a chance in hell? can your method still work in this case?
It’s worth giving a try. If after NC (I’d say make it 45 days), everything is still the same, then move on.
Hey Kevin,
First of all, great article. Really helped with my emotions . So we were friends at first, always texting, then we started going out. We were going out for a couple of months only but i really loved her. But you see i have serious issues, trust issues, no self confidence stuff like that, but thats a different story. Anyway everytime she’d talk about guys that i know she liked or that liked her, id get all upset and territorial. And apparently id give out to her but you see we’d talk over texts and it was that she was reading it in the wrong tone, thinking im angry with her. Well two days ago it got to breaking point and yesterday she broke up with me saying ” Its like evey time i mention a guy youd get mad and give out to me”. She wouldnt hear any I had to say and she said she wanted to be my friend, just not my girlfriend. i kinda got annoyed and told her that she shouldve told me it was upsetting her, to give me a chance to fix things. Then she said that we were just friend and she decided to try a conversation with me but i said id leave her be and apologised for the way i behaved. Well today , not knowing about the NC rule thanked her for a book i lent her that she returned ( Although not personally). We had a quick conversation and she “had to go”. And the NC rule is hard because we are in the same class in school. And meeting with other girls too becaause i have no confidence (she has none either so its not that much of a problem ). So any advice? Its been just one day and its like ive been gutted by some horrer movie killer. Apologies for bad grammar
Hey Matt,
You have to build up your confidence somehow. Stop telling yourself that you have no confidence, it’s a sure fire way to stay this way. Try counseling or just build up enough courage and start talking to girls randomly. If not in your school, do it outside the school. But it’s extremely important that you do so. Not just to get her back but for the rest of your life.
Apart from that, NC is hard but you can still apply it to some extent. You can read more about it in this article.
Hi Kevin please suggest me some best facebook and whatsapp status during no contact period with my ex which makes her want me more
Hello…
Thanks a lot for your emails. They made a lot of difference. But sadly i still find it hard to live like this. Havent talked with her for more than two weeks. It just doesnt feel alright. Honestly i keep thinking whether she’ll return or not? 🙁
It’s normal to think like this. Give it time and you’ll feel much better.
I’ll keep it short, broke up with my gf of 3 1/2 years 2 1/2 years ago or rather she broke up with me on the Tuesday only i didn’t realise it, had happened a couple of times over the year where she would bottle things up and pop then we would argue and not talk for a day type thing until she had calmed down. I thought this was jsut one of those times. When i walked in to her place to pick up my TKD bag we never really talked other than her swaying she wasn’t happy with her life, i’d known this for a while but she wouldn’t let me in, and that she jsut needed time and space to figure out what she wanted, again I didn’t realise that we had actually broken up because it didn’t sound like I had done anything wrong so I said ok, and left her hsoeu without a hug goodbye, feelign it was the best thing to do to let her calm down and speak to me when she was ready.
Like I said, normally I would get a call the next day and we would talk things through properly only it never came, i waited another day and then I tried to let her know I was there for her etc. She was still texting me good morning, good night, i love you.
Presuming that what she was going through was much bigger than i realised, the friday was valentines day so I had already arranged for flowers to be delivered to her work, and some were scheduled for the day after as a joint message type thing because we were supposed to be goign away for the weekend. Aswell as a few texts which would be the same as breaking the first rules of your article.
Then she text me saying that we weren’t a couple anymore etc, she wasn’t coming away for the weekend but she would call me on the sunday this is where i’m heartbroken type thing, obviously don’t know what is going on, what I have done etc. Wait until sunday and she texts me saying that she didn’t know if she was supposed to call or not but she isn’t going to because it would make it harder for her, i explain that I jsut want an explanation to make it easier for me to understand etc. She says she will call me in a bit, 5 hours pass so i decide to text her asking if it was ok to phone her, and that it wasn’t what she thought.
She agrees to phone me in 15 minutes. Does so:
I apologise for the past week, not realising that we weren’t together and panicing and that she asked for no contact so I would give her that but let her know that the door was open if she wanted to text, again thinking everything would be ok and that time apart would be a good idea to focus on ourselves adn then that there was a lot we could help each other out with which she agreed on, and said I would wait till she was ready, she gave the old cliche of if it’s meant to be it will be which I added to that you still have to work at it. The phonecall was concluded with no real answers, because i didn’t want to push for them, aswell as an ‘it was nice to get a chance to speak and an I Love You’ from her to which I responded in kind with,
Again, i didn’t know what was going on until I came to the conclusion that actually I wasn’t that happy but that I was in the middle of changing things for the better.
We had had a similiar thing which lasted a day last october where she had passed comment on wanting to spend more time with her friends and have fun etc.
Which when we delved deeper she had told me it was because we wanted different things, I wanted material things and she wanted a house, family, life etc together
It was revised when i insisted I wanted the same things and that I was in fact saving for a hosue already, I have a well paid job and she doesn’t which with todays market makes it quite difficult to buy a house but she never seemed to have seen that, after discussing it I realised we could probably do it towards the end of this year if we both save hard, to which I was doing and she was putting away what money she could away which was fine. The next couple of months I try to encourage her to go out more, which she does and I focus hard on trying to save etc which means the weekends we spend together become boring, sitting on the couch all day type thing, we are both in jobs we don’t enjoy and I have money stresses, so we do argue a bit more often about petty things.
Some time passes and I decide I need to rectify this before it’s too late, so I encourage her to go out with her friends and even get involved when she lets me, I hate her friends because I know one of them bad mouths me and it seems to stick with my ex because she would bring up random things that didn’t make sense but she was convinced were bad.
Which brings us to this year, we go out on a couple fun dates, cinema, dinner, a long country drive and spend a few weekends at her place instead of mine, I make more of an effort to involve myself with her family, I’m not used to a close knit family so even though I have always been present I’ve always been a bit stand offish.
She spends more time with the friend that does not like me, and with old friends from before she met me, although I had my reservations I thought it was still good for her, I meet some of her extended family etc.
I thought things were improving a lot, then out of nowhere the tuesday happens which as I have said, I didn’t realise it was about me.
Anyway, after the phonecall I don’t contact her at all, Thursday comes around and I start writing her a letter, 70 A5 pages later it is finished, in the end I did use it more as a release, it fealt as if I was talking to her and it made me realise what was important in my life, which was everything I wanted, the job, house, money etc meant nothing if I wasn’t with her.
I decide to contact her dad to clear the air between me and him, explain why I had been stand offish while he was always welcoming, show my appreciation for that fact and then explain my intentions for the year which involved him and his family i.e. trying to integrate myself more, and explain to him that the reason for this is that I was planning to propose on our anniversary. With the intention that it was only fair for me to explain why i was the way i was etc if it was going to be the last chance I ever got and that it was also neccesary if things were going to get better between his daugter and I.
The next day she texts me saying she thinks it would be ok to have the odd text. Is that Hope I feel?
The conversation turned out very differently, he told me that he had asked my ex what she had told me so he knew, which turned out to be along the lines that nothing had changed since the previous october, i then told my side and explained how i didn’t understand because things had changed, there was still little problems like every relationship has but the things that needed to be changed were changing, she was going out more, we had talked about and were actively saving for the house, we were going away with her family for one holiday and to visit my family in another country at the end of march, weekends away were planned and that we had been going out for the odd date to keep the weekends fresh but by the time she broke up with me we were only 6 weeks into this year so things were planned but she hadn’t given them a chance to unfold. He also asks if she had called or text on the sunday, turns out he was the one that told her she had to speak and she chickened out, Him, his wife and my ex all also apparently had a massive falling out over the same thing, they were telling her she can’t do this to me and has to speak but she didn’t.
He essentially agreed and I do believe he thinks, as do I, that this is almost a misunderstanding and that we’re meant to be, thought we were going to be and that he was really happy that I had reached out to have a drink with him, he said he would speak to my ex and tell her that no matter what she at least owes me enough to tell me what she feels in person and to hear me out. That is pretty much the text he sent me that he had told her that is the least she can do. My heart sunk at that moment, we were just over 2 weeks since we had broken up
I make contact after 2 days, say how it was nice to have gone for a pint with her dad, a bit of light back n forth and she says that ‘i guess this means we need to meet up?’
Goes ok, but I worry that she is only going in to it because she feels she has to instead of with an open mind that why we broke up isn’t true, essentially, and that it is easily solvable. Only thing is i can presume her dad has told her my side before i am going to tell her so she has already not listened to it.
I wait until later on in the evening to text her saying that i’m looking forward to seeing her after so long and that I was glad she was willing to give us a chance to talk things through, no reply.
I wait a couple hours and say I was only trying to be nice, i’ll jsut leave her to it she can text if she wants to which i get a reply back saying she didn’t want to give me the wrong idea and that she would jsut wait until we meet on monday to talk.
That was yesterday and at that point I realised that even though this would have and could have been solved if she had spoken to me when she was feeling down so I could do more if need be and if she actually thought about it that things had been changing, however I do feel her friend has influenced her to think that nothing has changed etc, her friend jsut went through a bad breakup aswell to make it worse, to the point that she can’t see reason or understanding.
So now I have accepted that Monday isn’t going to be the turning point that it should be where we talk things through, work it out rationally and make the neccessary changed and instead it will be her coming to see me because she feels she has to, jsut to tell me what I found out from her dad and not actually listen to what I have to say, Obviously I will be exstatic if she does and we sort it but realistically I don’t see her suddenly changing her mind if she’s convinced one way.
This brings me to your site, I am going to try show her what things were like when we got together, take her out to a nice lunch, enjoy the food and then talk things through and still hold out hope that we’ll be able to sort things out but like I said I have accepted that she’s probably not going to hear what I have to say or accept that things actually were different.
However, after that i’m at a bit of a loss, in a way I have accepted it already, even though it’s not qwuite done, I have grieved and cried i’ve not eaten and all that bad stuff. I’ve shut myself off and done all the thigns that some people jsut need to do.
I’ve decided not to give her the 70page letter and it’s been over 2 1/2 weeks and I still want her back. What I haven’t done is no contact and focus on improving myself, up until now I have pretty much just tried to keep busy and disctracted or going away on my own to think.
Now I am going to give 30 days no contact a go as of Monday, I have a rough plan of my next three weeks, seeing friends, gym, my car, i’ve bought new clothes, due a new haircut, start a novel, experience some new things, the fourth week I will be abroad to see my parents, hopefully get a tan while working on my TKD for an upcoming grading, flirt with holiday makers for an ego boost.
What I am not sure about is at what point should I accept contact IF she tries to make any after monday, on that phonecall almost 3 weeks ago, she had said she knows she is going to want to speak again and it’s not going to be months more like weeks this was followed by the if it is meant to be it will be thing.
Your plan outline is sound but IF I wait 30 days that will then be over 7 weeks since we broke up but only 30 days since the conversation as to why, obviously if I find out a more genuine reason for breaking up then I will have to accept it, then follow the plan, but if she sticks to this same idea, and ditching me being the solution as the reason then one day she might wake up and realise that it wasn’t as bad as she had been convinced it was and that it had been a mistake, but how long is a reasonable amount of time to wait before i return a call IF one does come before the thirty days?
Obviously that day may never come but I want to be prepared for it and give myself the time that I deserve but not push her away by her thinking she is too late, for example if she contacts me 2 weeks after monday, that will have been 5 weeks for her to realise if this was what she wants or not accelerated by the fact that it took her so long to actually face me properly, I don’t want her to think she lost her chance because she made a mistake, if that’s the way things go
Sorry, wasn’t really that short after all..
– D
Hey,
If she contacts you during 30 days, and you feel like you are prepared mentally to talk to her, then you can answer her call. If you think you are not ready for it, then you can just ignore her call.
If you think it’ll push her away, just answer her call and tell her you need no contact for a while and you’ll contact her after that. This way she’ll not feel like she lost her chance.
Hey Kevin,
Thanks for the advice, I think I won’t be ready to speak to her if she contacts me as I think she would only be doing so as a friend so a month of NC starts now and then I can see how things go from there.
I met her today to see what was going on and while obviously I was holding out hope that things could begin to be resolved and that whatever she might be feeling could be changed and out relationship stronger as a result I was not prepared for what she had to say, she feels that the spark is lost.
After she said that I knew that there wasn’t anything to change or that could be changed and so had to just accept it say my good byes and leave. It was difficult I know where I went wrong and I know the things I should have changed but I also know she was at part to blame as if she had communicated properly it would have never gotten this far, I suppose it is too late now and that is the end of that.
I can only follow the guide and hope she will give me that chance when it comes around again, I know I can respark the relationship and I jsut have to hope she is willing to come in to it open minded that things can be different, reading the above ‘why you broke up’ section gives me hope that we will be able to do it all over again but properly, I want to be on my A game this time around and not take anything for granted.
Guess it’s just a case of following the guide and seeing what happens next, I just wish it had never come this far.
– D
Kevin-
Long story short, I had an addiction and my girlfriend if four years finally left me saying I destroyed her and crushed her heart because I was the one. She met someone new and has been with him for 6 months. Problem is that we live together and still go out to dinner, hang out, etc. she’s here during the week and she spends weekends and goes on trips with him. Outside of working on myself, I don’t know what to do, she’s knows my intentions of getting her back and has even told new man that she can’t have me out of her life. I’m trying to figure out if she’s just using the sober nice “me” now, or if there are still feelings there?
Hey Jeff,
I think you might have to find another place and apply no contact for a while. If it’s extremely hard for you to find another place, then you need to apply limited contact for some time.
Hey Kevin. This whole article is extremely useful. Not only is it organized terrifically, but it is so helpful and easy to read. Anyway, I would like to know what you think about my girl and I ‘s situation -(if we should be together, if I should persue or move on, if she really likes this guy, if she’s too unstable from abandonment issues- adopted- abused etc.)
Anyone else please feel free to provide constructive opinions.
I was a junior in hs and dating her when she was a freshman. She played lax and cheer, had lots of attention from guys. We dated for 6 months after talking short amount of time. I found out that on her fb she had been telling guys bad things about me and had been flirting with them heavily, making plans to sex with them but I don’t know if they happened. Even when she traveled out of country guys facebooked her from there calling her honey and wanting to see her again. On the fourth month of us dating she woke up in my bed and announced that she finally felt committed… I was like ok… So I always liked her and tried to open communication but she never talked about things so I got upset with her and then got boring. Eventually her parents restricted her from talking to me, because i would yell at her. Because I was investing myself wholeheartedly with her while she did this. So she said she loved me and would miss me. A week after we broke up she dated my best friend for about a year. This past New Years, (New Years of 2012-2013) she sent me a voicemail saying she was sorry for what she did to me. (But nothing about wanting me back… Was she “keeping me around?”)
November 24 of 2013 she called me very drunk- saying she misses me, wants to have sex, and she keeps elaborating of details of me. Has been thinking about me nonstop. (Much later on, reading her texts she apparently had made out with 4 guys before calling me. That’s why I felt so sick to my stomach and disgusting after…) We head to my place and have fun, the next morning when we wake up a guy calls her. This guy was a guy she had had sex with and tried to date before. She said he was out of the picture. For the first month of us talking again she is obsessively stating her feelings, which are extremely intense. (She feels like she maxed out with other guys when her an I would be halfway to feelings marks, she wants to marry me, I make her feel more comfortable than anyone else) she sends me long nighttime texts an gets upset when I don’t. This is first time talking in years she does all of this. She goes to Florida and gets worried, I see something happen in her. She calls me at 4am to talk about her emotions every night. So I fall back a little, and she puts up a wall bc she’s scared of getting hurt. Tells her friends about it. Time goes by and dec 28 while in bed she shows me texts she exchanged with the guy. She told him I wasn’t looking to date her(which I had made clear I was, and she later admitted that she knew.), she told him that if he had really wanted her he would’ve made it happen, and when he asked her what was good about me all she said is that I didn’t do the bad things he did. I wondered why she even wrote him back if she only wanted me and she lied it that it was so that they would be on ok terms.
We fight, and she never communicates- she closes. This New Years she got mad that I didn’t wanna have sex (I didn’t like how she looked at my best friend or acted while drunk) and sarcastically said she’s gonna go to school far away (which hurt me bc she’d leave and prob cheat) so I told her to get out of my house and she sat down and Claimed she had no recollection of the statement she said that hurt me so bad (are you delirious?) Once again I got boring dull and angry (from always asking why she does these things, attempting to sort out our conflicts to move on). I receive sexual pictures from him that apparently she had only sent to me. She says she’ll get restraining order against him. I find out she’s snapchatting him. She gets more distant. I send her a message saying all the shit she’s done to me and she just gets angry at me and says never talk to her again. Then she texts she’s pregnant, and says I should “just be there for her” (before she even took the test) and she acts like a bitch to me for a long time while I convey my feelings of love. We get into a fight and she says she cares about the guy, and I faint on the phone. (Because to me we had this deep connection that wouldn’t be broken and here she is creating a wall with him and her on other side. And saying things she used to say about/ applying to me… A month ago lol) so she just blocked me that night. She blocked me since the 14th of feb (it’s the 28th of feb) and I was left feeling like she left something she never even could fully try with. So I wrote two of her friends, saying things like how I loved her and how she left without saying goodbye. Her friend said she was happiest she had seen her in a while and I should let her be happy. I refuse because I always was strong for us and held us together. She said I made her the happiest, and I genuinely enjoy spending time with her and experiencing life with her when things are good. She means so much to me and she knows it but has issues that make her second guess. Should I stop trying? I know I am worth a lot, should I be with a girl who can actually have something real with me? This girl is special though and I want to work things out with her but she is closed and seems to want more athletic manly guys than me so she makes me feel insecure. I am planning on waiting a few months and writing letter. Anyone with experiences similar to mine please share.
There’s just more pain and hurt for you if you pursue her. Perhaps you feel this way about this girl because deep inside you think you can resolve all her issues and be her knight in shining armor. But in reality, you can not help her. She is going to be like this unless she seriously decides to get help. It will take a lot of effort from her and a lot of therapy for her to be stable enough to maintain a functioning healthy relationship. And if you continue pursuing her, you are going to waste a lot of your time on her in vain. I’ll suggest you move on. Cut contact with her and start dating someone else whenever you think you are ready.
Greetings, LOVE the article i recently broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago. I’m in my junior year of college and shes a senior in high school. We basically live in the same area and she left me for some dude at another school. I later found out through a mutual friend she said she was unhappy by the fact that she only got to see me once a week. Im trying to put myself through college because my dad got laid off and my Mom isnt able to work. And during her breaks she and her new bf would flirt while i was at work. And about 2 weeks later she told me there was someone else and she wanted to be with him. I was so pissed I deleted her off of almsot every social network and threw away all of the things she gave me. It ended in a skype call and a few angry words. I had done the no contact rule but was a few days short of a month. We talked for 10 mins and i confessed why i removed her from facebook skype and instagram and how i was feeling. She was staying by her cousin during the time and her cousin told me she was crying after the call. I have added her back on Facebook and she accepted my friend request almost instantly and ive not contacted her since. Do you think she will come back ? I want her in my life. :/
There’s a chance that she might come back. Follow the guide.
Hey, great blog/article.
I was with a lovely young lady for two and a half years. I’m 27, she’s 24. We were two different people but had many similarities. We both believe in opposites attract. Financial and employment issues during the last 6 months we were together was affecting my mood and I did not notice myself slowly chipping away at her, more so sapping the positivity out of her life. I was selfish – I neglected her feelings and hanging out with her friends.
Some events lead to the cause of our break-up and the end came after I swore at her over the phone and hanged up. I did not speak to her for four days until she called me telling me that she couldn’t do ‘us’ anymore. She told me that she has had enough of how I was treating her and said she doesn’t believe I am possibly of change however if so I would eventually resent her for it.
She is a very submissive girl, much like her mother. She gets walked all over at work and by her younger brother. So I believe over time I took advantage of this and her. She kept her feelings bottled inside and communication of these issues was an issue we tried to correct previously. I have to get it out of her, she won’t tell me straight out. Unlike every other girl I’ve been with.
I kept in touch for two weeks after the breakup by sending text messages, most of them saying I was sorry, etc for how I treated her. I last spoke to her just over two weeks ago. She said she wouldn’t rule out seeing a relationship counselor however she said she wanted and needs time and space to do her own thing as she doesn’t know how she’ll feel about everything after a few weeks to a month.
As stated above, it’s been two weeks since no contact. She still has me on her Facebook. Not sure if I should delete her or not. I have written a letter in which I want to send her however I am not sure when the right time will be. The letter basically consists of my apologies for various events that happened, what I’ve been up to lately, etc and goals I have set for myself.
I would love to have another chance at our courtship, I know this lesson was needed otherwise I would have never woken up to myself. I want her to know that.
Your advice is much appreciated!
Hey,
I think you have a pretty solid chance of getting back together. I think you should send the letter at the end of the third week (or 4th week, your call) and then contact her after a week of sending the letter.
Hi Kevin,
I will try keep this short and to the point.
I am 26 and my ex gf just turned 20. We have been dating for 3 years in a serious relationship. At one point we were even talking about marriage, yes I know she is young but she is very mature for her age. All of a sudden she broke up with me, making up excuses about our unresolved arguments. During this time of a few weeks before we broke up, she was getting close with another guy from her workplace and I think that is the main reason she broke up with me.
We have been broken up for about a month now. I recently spoke with her and she sounds very happy dating the new guy. At the beginning I was very needy and kept contacting her. Now today was the first time I called her in about a week and she sounds happy which crushes me. Though she did pick up her phone while she was at the guys house. She never answered any calls when we were together.
I still love her and want to be with her. I do not want to get friendzoned. Do you think she has moved on? Should I bother with the chase after no contact? Is it too late to start no contact after 1 month of being broken up?
No it’s not too late to start no contact. You still have a chance and it’s worth a try. However, give it just one try and if it doesn’t work, accept your loss and move on.
Another update ~~
So I met up with my ex gf that is currently dating a new guy. I saw her today and she was teary eyed though she answered her new bf call and having a nice chat. I was at her house putting on my shoes as we were about to go out then she ran into her room saying she forgot something. After a few minutes, I called out if she was ok and I went in to see her throw a tissue away and wipe her tears.
We just chilled and talked about general things, nothing about the relationship. We got our things from the shop and she like oh I got to go now. Going to see her bf on his work break, I was like oh ok, thought we could go for coffee, and she was like ok let’s go.
It was a quick coffee as she had to get to work. General chit chat, then she was telling me how she was planning this and that with her new bf, Im like things must be getting serious, I am happy for you. She has always had long term relationships and it was made clear to her from the new bf that it would be long term. I then asked about us, if we were in the equation at all, and she is like no, I shouldn’t be thinking about it in the first place. Everytime I say we don’t have a chance anymore, she always says don’t say that.
Should I move on and keep her as a friend? I have yet to do no contact, if she does not contact me within the 30 days, should I presume all is lost?
Do no contact. Contact her after no contact. Go out on a few dates after that. Have fun. After that, ask her if she can leave her new boyfriend to be with you. Give her a few days to think it over. Tell her, if she chooses him, then you will cut her off from your life and move on. If she chooses him, then it’s time to move on.
Hi Kevin,
I am a college student. My ex and I was in relationship for 2 years. We just broke up 2 weeks ago. She starts dating with a new guy right after saying “we need to take a break.” We still live in the same apartment. She got the bed room and I have the living room because we are still in the rent contract until next year. We stay together because she is waiting for her sponsorship from her company. If she is not accepted, she will go back to her country. Every night, she spends her night at a new guy place. We barely have conversation because she goes to work, and I goes to school. We also have to talk about our start-up business once a week. By the way, we have two puppies, and both of us have to take turn to take care of them.
After making mistakes as you described, I decided not to contact to her any more. However, we still live in the same apartment and have common things to do together. What should I do?
Apply limited contact and only talk to her about the things related to the apartment. Nothing personal and don’t have any conversations longer than 5 minutes.
Hey,
Almost a month of NC now. She hasn’t contacted. But i noticed that the honeymoon phase of her relationship’s almost ending.
Should i contact her now? I wanted to send her a book with the letter.
Would appreciate if you could throw some light.
RJ
Yup, contact her. Hold the book for later.
Hey bro
First of all: AMAZING blog, by far the best, most understanding advice I’ve seen (and I’ve looked through a lot). I got a tricky one though: I had arhing going on with a girl before she left for a language school in Australia. She invited me to travel around together afterwards. I totally overdid it by changing my flight and arriving one month earlier in order to travel around before we started out. Before she was looking forward to see me but right after I was here she was very confused and lost all attraction (also talked about it). We agreed on travelling together in 3 weeks and to see how things develop during our trip and then back home. I think she still sees chances but I’m right now in the earlier stages you described. The bad thing: I can’t do no contact since we’re both here and will travel around. So my question is how you’d handle this: Do my own thing until we travel together and then play it cool (nice but distant, then two steps forward, one step back)? The fact is she thawed up a lot when I was sailing the whitsundays and kept very loose contact.
Thank you anyways!
Michael
Yeah, do exactly as you said. She will start getting attracted to you again if you act confident and don’t show any signs of neediness.
Kevin,
Thanks again for responding. Yeah since she sent me that I’ve noticed that she doesn’t seem too distant I guess, so maybe it wasn’t a big deal. I was texting her maybe a bit much and was being very complimentary to her and everything and her responses were very short and seemed uninterested so I started to back off and not say much and then days later she would text me saying “hope you’re doing well” to which I would wait to the next day to respond and before I would get the chance she would send “Happy Friday!” … Which she sent this last Friday. She used to send those back last fall when her and I talked a lot and were getting closer. So it seems if I’m playing hard to get she writes to me just to make sure I’m in good terms with her, not sure if that’s significant or not, by buddy seems to think so..that she’s keeping me at arms reach just in case..I’d like to believe that’s true. Anyway, I will keep doing that just as long as I don’t become too distance cause then she might move on for good.
Thanks again for getting back to me.
John
Hello Kevin, it’s me again, Matthew. Things have changed since I wrote my last comments. I totally screwed up. I didn’t stay in no-contact almost always. Well, there were a few weeks we didn’t even write. But when we did, she said that I’m so miserable because I contacted her best friends and asked them things. BTW it was on monday this week I asked a girlfriend of hers that what is the situation and what should I do. She told me that she surely likes someone (as I saw a picture of a party where my ex was and was embracing a guy, but I think that was a casual party picture). But she said she doesn’t really know if she has someone. I don’t know either. But she told me that if she loved me (what is true), she will soon remember that person who is always there for her and will surely try to reach me! Also, she told me that she just started to have fun, live her life and probably that was the case she broke up with me (and all those minor troubles too). She really loved me but she still decided to end up things with me. The next day my ex contacted me and she said that I’m so stupid and miserable for trying to “spy” on her. She also wrote me laughing emoticons with it. She told me I shouldn’t write her in a month, nor in a year, and that I will never have a chance with her again. My mom told me and hers too, that sooner or later she will be begging a crying me to accept her back. I think it will be too late for her… as I decided to move on… Even if she has or has not a boyfriend right now, I don’t care. The guys in that area are idiots mostly, most of them would just use her. The few good are already occupied. She just turned 17 and she still doesn’t know what she wants so sooner or later there will be a breakup too. I was her best relationship (so far). I don’t want to wait for her, I know she’ll eventually come around… I just don’t write her. It really sucks and it really hurts… still. It happened already a month ago. I just hope that things will get better 🙂 I’m not really a guy for dating or meeting with women. This girl really loved me for who I am and others did not. And I really loved her too. That’s why I don’t want to lose her completely. You know I’ve read some articles and now I know it’s just a game when she says she’s over me. There are no signs that she likes me I know, but… somehow I just feel it. I just know she’s thinking about me sometimes. She just doesn’t want me anymore. (Well maybe not, even if she says NO) What do you think, Kevin? Do I still have a chance even if she says “never”? How long do you think it will all take? And what should I do in the meantime? I’m unemployed, you know. And it’s almost impossible to find a job here and in a radius of 30km. (Slovakia, you know) I’m looking forward for your answer! It’s very important for me 🙁
Matthew
Hey Matthew,
I think she said the things she said because she was angry. You should never try to find out about an ex through a friend. It’s a creepy move and it usually ends up making you look needy and miserable in your ex’s eyes. But regardless, you should apply no contact for a little more time. Try to make some positive changes in your life. If it’s hard to find a job in your are, consider moving to a place where you can find a job. Or consider getting some more education. Your primary concern in life right now should be your career, not your ex. She is young, confused and she will be like this for a long time before she figures out what she wants in life. She should be your second priority, not your first.
I should give up on her… my friends say she doesn’t want me anymore… she wants to live and then she will decide… it could take even 1 or 2 years… or more. And I don’t want to wait such a long time. How long do you think it will take? She’ll finish school next year and I don’t know… I just hope she’ll remember me and forget all the negative things in time… But I will never forget her and she’ll always have a place in my heart.
Hey Kevin so i started seen that she is putting some pics when we were tougether still in the summer and she updated her status life is too short that love like that happenes twice any ideas what that might meen i’m still in nc and i really need help tnx
No point trying to figure out what that means. You are in no contact, you should stay away form her fb.
Hey Kevin,
I literally did everything I shouldn’t have done and more after my ex and I broke up. I went so extreme that I gathered all of her stuff and burnt it, video taped it, then put it on social media. She then blocked me on facebook and deleted her texting app, the only ways that I could message her other than email. (she is from Norway and i’m from America so she needed it to text me) She didn’t block me on twitter or instagram, and still makes tweets about me. I’ve also heard from her friends that she stalks my social media. Is there still a chance for me to get back with her? We were in a serious relationship and loved each other dearly, therefore, I bought the text your ex back system. Also, I sent her a letter like you said, but she will not receive it until I am 6 or 7 days into my 30 days of no contact. Should I restart the NC once she receives it?
Thank you very much for everything!
No need to restart NC. I do think you have a chance. Follow the guide.
hi,, its been a week after we broke up. but if we didn’t broke ,we reaching our 43months almost 4 years,, but the big problem for us is we are in a long distance relationship,, its been 2 1/2 years when she go at the other country,, but even if we are too far away on us our relationship is pretty good,, but one day there is a guy courted her even if she say she had ay boyfriend the guy continue what he doing on my girlfriend,, and one day my girlfriend get fall on him but at the other side were still in our relationship.. and last sunday she told me that she’s not happy in our relationship I don’t know why because she didn’t tell me about that guy,, after an hour she told the truth that she had a new boyfriend,, its too much hurt for me,, because we don’t have any problem.. I don’t know why she do that to me.. what will I do to get her back to me.. please help me .. thanks and regards..
Louis…
Hey Louis,
Sorry it happened to you. The truth is, that other guy has a massive advantage since you are away from her. She will miss you and you can try getting her back using the guide. But you have to accept the possibility that she might never come back.
hi,, i’m Louis again,, I forgot to tell you that my ex girlfriend family was too much hated that guy because what he does in our relation ship.. so that’s why I still hoping to get her back.. he do all bad plans to get my girl.. my girlfriend family was nearly broke because what he do.. all family members of my girlfriend was against on that guy,, where all thinking that my girl was like hypnotized on that guy .. because if we think from start there’s no problem in our relationship. but suddenly she fall to that guy even if she didn’t know that guy too much.. and until the time that her sister give her a choice to choose .. her sister say’s ,who would you pick that new guy or your family? did u believe she choose that new guy.. u know men we are all praying for my girlfriend to wake up and think what damages is done because of that bad guy.. please help us to pray… thanks kevin .. 🙁
Hey Louis,
You have my prayers and I sincerely hope that she realizes what she is missing and comes back to you. But like I said, you have to accept the possibility that she might never come back and you should be prepared for that. I’ll recommend you wait for her for 3 months and if she still doesn’t realize, you start trying to move on.
Hey Kevin,
So, my girlfriend of 5+ years just came back from a trip and “found some clarity.” I’m her elder of about 10 years, so there’s considerable life-experience differences, but we have always connected emotionally and personally on the ground-level (working together is another matter). Before leaving, I was the best man she’d ever met, the love of her life, etc. She feels like she needs to have freedom in her life. She loves me “but is not in-love with me anymore.” Total about-face, but understandable for a mid-twenties young woman, who has spent her entire adult years with the same man. I also got lazy in the relationship. I knew what I wanted, but tried to make her happy and acquiesced more often than I should have. She didn’t want to end things, forsake 5+ years of a life together, but she wanted to have the freedom to “take a break” without a time-limit or structure (no three week vacation from each other, etc…it’s about her feelings, not a rational determination). After 2 days of focusing on myself and agreeing to a break, I came to the realization (found some clarity, if you will) that I can not put myself in a position where I’m slowly poisoning myself and my relationship with her escapades while she discovers herself. I didn’t want to become an interrogator, always seeking and asking WHEN / IF she’s ready to try again. SO…I broke up with her that night. The remorse has been awful, but when I think about it, it’s the right thing to do. I wrote her a letter that expressed how I believe she should have the freedom to live her life and discover herself, that she deserves a love-filled happy life, but so should I. And that I couldn’t put myself in a compromising position, etc. etc. The remorse is still strong, and to complicate it all, we live together (I’ve asked her to move out, not out of punishment, but because it was her choice to “take a break” and not choose to talk through it and work together). It sounds like she has come to terms with moving out, it hurts me to see her struggle, but my friends give me strong and good advice to stand up for my boundaries and what I feel is fair under the circumstances — no sense in giving in (packing up and moving my things) to make her feel better about her decisions. To FURTHER complicate things, she and I are in the same field and often work together. We have supported each other for years, and are booked on a few gigs together. She is insanely talented, and I love working with her. In some regards, I see those gigs as an opportunity to present myself as the awesome dude I am (the guy we both lost sight of). In other regards, it’s too soon, and I don’t to be nice and do her favors to be the “nice guy.” I think I know what your advice is going to be, but I’d love to hear you comment on the complexity of the situation and how to simplify it all, give her the space to deal with her choices, her confusion, but also to plant that seed of attraction when I might end up seeing her professionally many times over. I have had friends offer their extra rooms, so I can get out and give the relationship space. I admittedly have brief moments of weakness and go to her…hoping to just give her a hug or offer some love, but it always ends badly. She’s not receptive. So, I feel like I need to get out of here and focus on myself. I do not want to move out and spend a ton of money relocating because of her choices. Thoughts? Should I take my friends up on the offer to give me space, but let her know I’m giving her time to collect her things, focus on herself and start packing? If so, I gotta find a roommate, and I don’t want to make any promises to new roommates, if she’s going to turn around in a short amount of time. Even if she did, maybe it’s best she has her own space and we start anew from the ground up. Thanks in advance!
Well, if living with her while she finds a new place is not letting you focus on yourself, then you should go to your friends apartment. Till now, I think you’ve made the right decisions. As for the roommate, I think you should wait for a month or two after she moves out before making any promises, if you can afford it that is.
what if we did not broke up..she just lost interest but still loves me..what actions should i do???can i apply the methods above???
In that case, don’t apply no contact. But start working on yourself and start making positive changes in your life. Don’t show any signs of neediness and do fun things with her.
Hey I was just wondering how long would it be too long of a no contact period?
More than 90 days.
thank you for the advice sir…but she does not want me to text her..she said she will just text me…and also she said that she is liking someone…what action should i take about this guy???
No action. If you try to stop her, it’s only gong to make her want him more.
thanks sir…should i surprise with some sweet efforts?..does it make her happy?because when i am with her and i started joking to make her laugh, she is not buying my jokes anymore….
No, just follow the plan. Don’t try to make her happy. It only makes you look needy. Try to make yourself happy.
Hey Kevin,
A brief back story…. My ex (24) and I(30) had been together for a year and a half, she has a son from a previous relationship, we moved in together and shortly after I lost my high paying job yet we proceeded to initiate her son calling me dad and raising as my own, we both kind of lost ourselves and began only living one life instead of individual ones separately and one that we were building together, and last but not least she is an introvert where I am an extrovert. We started arguing about even little things that didn’t matter and as I became less happy and more controlling which is out of character for me and she became more detached and unhappy as well. I realize now some specific areas in which I messed up and also where she did as well. She broke up with me at the beginning of January and for the next month every week we had to see we each other just to get her stuff out and to her new place. Once she moved there she was scared and lonely and I acting from my breakup brain went and stayed with her for comfort…I stayed there for 3 days and as I stayed there even though we didn’t kiss or hook up we because more affectionate. The following weekend I was out drinking and ended up texting her to talk because I had noticed she had removed the majority of our pictures from fb…. Not my finestest hour! It was immature and shouldn’t have happened. I then went on no contact and after a month and week I chose to send her a short text letting her know one of her favorite musicians was going to be in town as well and see how she’d been. It was short casual and thoughtful. At this point it has been 4 days and I have yet to get any response. I do not know but have a suspicion she maybe dating someone but seeing as we haven’t been talking or seeing each other I don’t really know anything. I last night went on a date which went extremely well but as you have stated have moved past the thought of Needing my ex in my life and believe I Want her there. As far as personal improvement I have started going to the gym 3 times a week, have gotten an new job with an amazing company and salary, have become more focused on what I want for my life and the steps I’m raking to get there and just in essense refund myself.
My question is since I have yet to receive a response what should my next move be and when should I reach out again also is there any advice to help her be open to responding?
Thanks,
Robert
I think you should wait for another 10 days and then send her another text. This time, give her something more to chew on other than a simple how she has been. Send her something to arouse her curiosity.
sir kevin,
my girlfriend said that she needed time and space because she is bored to me but she did not broke with me..
she said that she will just text me…what measures should i do sir kevin..please helm me sir…
Give her the time and space. IF she texts you, text her back, but don’t seem needy in any way. Start making some positive changes in your life as soon as possible.
Dear Kevin,
I wish i had read this artocle sooner. Its been over two weeks after we broke up and i completely eviscerated the no contact part… Our relationship went stale and she decided to let go.. On the first few days of the break up i was constantly being her to come back and after some advice from friends both mine and hers. I decided to give her time and space.. But still we kept in contact with each other through text, and after a week of no meeting each other. She said to me that she is available next week since it’s the end of the school year here in the Philippines.. So i asked her out and hoping to get a fun date with her.. But i still live in fear that another man who is currently courting her might steal her heart completely.. What should i do with this situation?
Go out with her and have fun. Don’t be afraid of the other man. Fear will only make you look needy. Remember, even if you don’t get her back, you will still be happy and you still find love in your life.
it has been three weeks when she said to me that she has fallen for the other guy and now they are in a relationship together. and honestly, it is tearing me apart in the inside. we haven’t met each other for over 2 months now, however we are still keeping in contact through text messages. i’m always trying to keep the topic off her new boyfriend and following your advice on accepting change and analyzing the break up. she said to me a day ago that she is happy she got her best friend back (before we fell in love for each other we were best friends). and now i feel that i got thrown into the friendzone, i still haven’t showed her the new me, since we are busy with our academics.
My friends and hers, still believe that we are meant to be together.. they believe that this break up is temporary and she will soon realize that i am the one she loves the most. but inside me i am having doubts already, i don’t know if we will be together again or if we are truly meant for each other, even though i removed her picture from my wallet and from my gadgets, but her face is still the one i dream about every night .. last week i told her that i will always be waiting outside the door into her heart waiting for the time to give me a second chance, no matter how long it takes. she replied ” i just don’t know what to say”.. and up to this day it still haunts me, because i don’t know what it means.. i tried to let her go, Kevin. believe me i tried, but still, i love her still.. i just don’t know what to do anymore, Kevin… Can you help me?
You really need to follow no contact and go on a few dates. After that, follow the advice in the article.
Kevin, I used to date this woman back in the 70’s. We worked together. I ended up marrying someone else as she did as well. Back in ’97, after 30 years or so, I ran into her. She came into my place of business. We talked shortly, never got her last name as I was still married. But I found out that she was divorced. 1 year later, my wife ran off after a 30 year
marriage with someone else. It was not a good divorce. A few months later Karen who I had dated in the 70’s and had run into,went out. We ended up spending the next 5 years together falling in love. I moved in with her and and we lived together for this term. Up until this Jan. 16th when I had questioned her about a feeling I had been having for some time that wasn’t quite right. Sure enough, I drug it out of her that there was someone else. Although, I do not believe she had any intention of telling me. I obviously told her I would be leaving and did so within 2 months finding and buying a house. But for the 2 months till then, we still lived together. She still cooked, we still went out and even snuggled at times even though there was no intimacy. Within a couple of weeks of me finding this out, I managed to get the words from her that it was over. But of course she knew I was already looking for a house. Through this whole time, she acted as though nothing was wrong. My heart was broken as it still is. All the time she was saying that we are the best of friends. She even helped me with the move. Coming over and washing dishes, unpacking, etc. She is 60 and I am 56. We both told each other that we would spend the rest of our lives together…but. Once I was in my own place, within a week she had called asking how I was doing. I did not answer. I felt guilty. Why…I don’t know considering what she had done to me. But, the truth is, I love this woman with all my heart and soul. I forgave her from the get go. Yes I am hurt tremendously. I am having a very tough time getting on with things. But I am working daily and have gotten back to my workouts. A week after she had called, I did text her due to the fact that I still have many items at her house that I still need to get but will not be able to until the weather breaks which we both knew prior to the move. I wanted to start the no contact rule after she had called. But after thinking things through, I thought I had better touch base with her just to make sure things were cordial so that I would still be able to get my things. The text was as follows: Hi! Sorry I haven’t got with you on the rest of my stuff, it’s probably going to be a few weeks. Especially for the outside things. As for the tools, sofa and fan, hopefully sooner. I really wasn’t home all weekend so I didn’t get much done. Maybe you can get a replacement for the fan between now and then. @ least a few weeks down the road. Don’t mean to drag it out. Hope you are doing well.
She text back saying:Thanks for getting back to me-I was beginning to wonder. Yes, I definitely will be looking for a fan in the next couple weeks. Keep in touch-hope your doing well.
I text back: Sorry, I will and I am.
I don’t think I went too far, and I plan to incorporate the no contact rule now for three to four weeks at least. I did get the Relationship Rewind course and I need a little direction on where to go from here or your input at this point. I submitted an email from a couple other places but I have seen no response as of yet. Thanks for any help Kevin. By the way, I have been totally loyal and committed through both of my relationships. Never straying or letting another woman in the mix. I don’t get it. I am very physically fit, fairly well off financially, pretty good looking and have all my hair. I am a strong believer in God and morality and believe in a person’s word. Am I naive?
I don’t think you are naive. It’s completely normal for a person to lose attraction over time in a relationship. And I think you’ll be able to reignite the attraction when you finish no contact. I think you are on the right path. Follow no contact and then apply the tactics in relationship rewind. I hope things work out for you.
Hi. The no contact rule keeps getting messed up. I got a new phone and was playing with it one night and accidentally called her. Once I realized this, I did not want to hang up. We talked. It was good. Nothing about the relationship, just about what we’ve both been doing. I had a good feeling from it and she sounded very positive. This was a week after I had text her about my things. Then, I was doing some shopping a few days after that, and she accidentally text me. Although I believe it was either meant for her bf or her daughter. She says her daughter. It said: Thinking of you and hope that you made it there safely. I love you(followed with a smiley face and 2 hearts.) I had just had a bad moment in the store with some music that was playing that made me break out in tears…so imagine how I felt to get this out of the blue. I text back to her saying: This obviously was not meant for me. Shot in the heart. She text back saying: I’m not sure what that was. there was a voice note on my text line in your profile. I text back to her: This did not go to your bf? She said she did not know what it was. I said it did not make me feel good. She said she was trying to send it to her daughter and this was an accident and she was sorry. I left it go at that hoping to once again apply the no contact rule. Kevin. I am also taking your 21 day email course as well. I am thinking when the time is right to use my stuff that I have to go back to get as the “no date” contact in a month or so. After a letter or text. Keep in mind..we did not fight. we did not argue. She just said there was someone else. I either need to be cut loose and set free from this woman so I can get on with my life….which I don’t know about since I am so in love with her. Or….somehow this has to work out. I pray for the later but I also know that God’s will is to be done here and not mine. But I have already lost her so what’s the harm in trying to get her back. She still acts like things are the same between us except we’re not together.
Hi Kevin, I really appreciate all your doing here on this site. What a great place for guys to come that have been or are hurt from a relationship. You give us all hope, and help us get through this. Thank you. I want to make sure that after the no contact period and I send my initial letter or text, can I use the excuse of me having to go back to get some belongings as that opportunity to get together without there being that date. She had mentioned that we could get a bite and work through the things on a weekend. I left many tools and such that are mixed in with hers that we need to sort out. It will take some time. It was her offer before I left to do this and still holds. I have other things as well…but they are carry out and be done except for many yard items as I had done a lot of landscaping there. Put in a water garden that she even agrees she will never take care of. This would all take place at her home where I lived for 5 years. This will be my opportunity but won’t happen till around Easter or after. Meanwhile I am doing the no contact…which does keep getting messed up. Where do I go with this? Thanks again Kevin.
Well, start contact with her around a week before Easter and use the messages in the guide. Then meet her up at and have a fun time.
Just know whatever happens, you will be happy and you will find love again. It can be her or someone else. But you will find the love and happiness you deserve.
Thanks Kevin. I really appreciate that. I believe that you are right. I know that I am a good person and have a lot to offer someone who will not take it for granted. I still do hope it will be her-but I also am aware that it could be over. She has already made her decission-even though she was not very firm about it. I kind of pushed her to make this decission due to me not wanting to be stuck in the middle while she made up her mind but had the benefit of both guys. Now I am out-she has the chance to be with him which does break my heart-but this was her doing not mine. I never wanted this or saw it coming. I will keep you posted. I will be referring to your guide as well as the Relationship Rewind series when I re-engage her in about 3 weeks to a month. I still have not decided if I will use a letter or text. I am thinking text because she has already put me in the “friend zone” and that was are normal mode of communication when we were apart-but I may reconsider and do the letter. Thoughts on this Kevin? Again…Thanks so much for all you are doing here and your input. It has been a huge help. So has your 21 day e mail series.
All of this really makes you look at the inside of the relationship that is hard to see when you are all emotional over the break up. When it comes down to it though-even getting back together-it really is up to her and what she feels unless by that time….I or whoever we are talking about has had a change of heart. But then…I have determined that is what she needs to have…a change in heart!
Thanks again Kevin.
Dave
Hello Kevin,
My ex and I broke up over a year now. During this year, after talking to some girls I realize that she is the perfect girl for me. Then I proposed her again and surely she said it was too late and she is involved with another guy. And she also said although she still loves me she could not hurt that guy. Then I begged her and became more rejected. Then I used no contact rule for two months. In this period she called me one time but I did not receive. After that I texted her by using your rule .She did not reply me but that day she called me. We talked for 4- 5 min .Then I said I have to go. Then After 2-3 days I texted her and again she called me without giving reply. So she did not reply to my any txt but talked with me very easily and every time I ended the call saying I have something emergency to do. I texted her 4-5 times but did not get any reply although we talked about 3-4 times in these two weeks.
Now my question is why does not she give reply to my any text? Can I really get her back? And how can I convince her to meet with me?
Well, it could just be that she does not like texting so much. Or perhaps, she is afraid her boyfriend will read her texts. I think you can get her back. Just continue talking to her on the phone. Increase the length of the conversation and the frequency as well. Then ask her for coffee after a while.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for such as article. My girlfriend decided to break up with me as i know i havent give her 100% love return like what she love me. In the relationship, she contribute more than me and i think the reason she break up with me because her heart is tire of waiting me to change thus she make the decision. If case like this, what should i do? apply no contact rule? or show her that i still care for her as a friend? thanks
Let her know you are applying no contact rule. Tell her you need some space and time to deal with the breakup and you will contact her after a while.
My ex girlfriend dumped me (march) she felt smothered and wanted to be free the break up ended bad with her texting rude things because i did not want to break up but she did. I eventually stopped replying back and went to no contact. I did not contact her for 3 weeks( for her to miss me) then later when the 3 weeks went by without any contact I followed with a text saying “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I am finally at peace with the breakup. Come to think of it, I saw it coming Also, wanted to apologize for the things I said, and the way I acted after the breakup. It was inappropriate and disrespectful. I hope your enjoying your time in Florida” She then replied the next day with a kiss text “:*” and followed up with an email a couple of hours later saying how much she is enjoying florida and My question is what do I do now? Or how should I respond to that. Your help is appreciated.
this is what she said in the email : florida is awesome so far! I looked into a couple of programs here and been traveling around the area. It feels like home. School is cheaper here. I’m going to check out the pharmacy programs tomorrow. audi is also huge here so I think I’d be able to get a job w a dealership. Anyway, thanks for the text.
All I want to do is respond to this in a way where I can tell if she misses me
or in a way where I can tell feelings are there and its really not over.
Don’t respond to it at all. She is not asking for a reply in her email. Give it another week and text her one of the messages above.
Hi, can’t seem to find my comments I searched all through here. Is there a way to get to my comments to see if I had a response. I commented about me and my ex splitting up and we have a 16 month old daughter. Hope to hear back soon thank you.
Your comment is here.
Hey Kevin, my situation is a lot different from the examples that you have shown. My girlfriend had an ex that hurt her really deeply. So she and I, we kissed at her doorstep and her mum caught us in the act. Note that we’re both Singaporeans and it’s a really conservative country. After that day, she thought about what it was about me that attracted her and came to the conclusion that it was the same reason that attracted her to her ex boyfriend so she gave up on the relationship. I, on the other hand, still love her deeply. It’s only been one day since I last contacted her. What do you think I should do in order to make her come back to me eventually?
You should still follow the guide. Make some positive changes. It’ll definitely increase your chances.
Hey there, Sean again. I forgot to add in that we’re both 17 this year and are still in school and she said that the way I act, the way I talk and the way I look all resemble her ex boyfriend. And also that she chose to leave because in her eyes I was just a substitute of him and that is not what she wants me to be. She also said that she doesn’t want to lead me on, knowing that I resemble her ex so much because she doesn’t want to hurt me. What should I do then?
Hello Kevin,
Im looking for my comment about no contact for 3 weeks nd my gf email. I haven’t got a response.
It’s here.
Hi, My girlfriend just broke up with me a month ago. We used to argue a lot. But we also been thru a lot together, I’m always there during her difficult times. Both of us know we love each other but she thinks that we cannot be together in the long run. I want to get her back into my arms.. During this one month, we had like 2-3 weeks of no contact till recently we start to talk again. And she initiate the talk via text message. During these talks, she told me that she fell in love with some guy but knowing that she and the guy is impossible to be together but she enjoyed the time with him. She also said that she’s trying to pull herself away from that guy because the guy is not suitable for her. I also asked her that if she ever missed me or love me after we broke up. She replied, ‘all the time, but it fading off slowly’. She know i still love her, but I’m also trying to be friend with her before I start to get her back to me again. Please advise what should I do to get her back?
A
Continue contact with her and then ask her to meet. Don’t show any signs of neediness.
Hi, it’s been 3 months since my breakup, and 2 since I started NC. I’m sure this is the real end. I haven’t called her nor contacted her at all (neither her). We were together for about more than 4 year and we were good friends before we even date, like 9 or 10 years ago. She’s hanging with a gay friend of a friend of mine, and I think he’s talking shit bout me. This Friday is her birthday and I don’t know if I should send her a message (nothing important, just a Happy Birthday) or not at all. I do respect her and I see this as a way of telling her that I don’t have hard feelings. On the other hand, I don’t want her to feel like I’m a toy and still suffering for her (I do feel sad from time to time, but not like the first month) and that she have me eating from her hand. I haven’t stalked her at all so I really don’t know what she feels about me, I don’t think she feels anything by now, because 3 months it’s… like a lot. anyway hope someone can give me advice. cheers.
You can text her. There’s no harm in that.
Hey Kevin!! you should charge people for your advice 😉 even a donation page?
Really great read. And like a hundred other men, just wanted to throw my personal situation your way and see what you think.
I met this girl and we were dating strong for 3 months, and then she went traveling in asia for 2 weeks… when she came back she seemed less into me… communication slowed and 2 weeks later she decided to walk away from our relationship and said we can just be friends because she has started to like another guy. Problem is we booked tickets to go to Thailand together for 6days and we are supposed to leave in 1 month! We broke up a week ago without a fight but I just said I was sad about it, and she wants to go to Thailand still but as friends…. she sent the last text about liking another guy, and haven’t replied!!
She is a bit clingy and needy but lovely and beautiful. Just a shame she started to fall for another dude on her trip. She did say they are not together, she is still alone, which leads me to believe she has a crush on him but he doesnt like her back….
(factors I have not included to mention: She is 23 i am 26, she is from brazil i am from austraila, she will return to brazil if she fails her test soon so possibly stress came into her decision to breakup, she was proposted by her super clingy ex boyfriend of 5years before she came to australia, and brokeup with him but he still msgs her everyday)
Thoughts? & thanks!!!!
Don’t talk to her till the trip. Take her on the trip and have a fun time. You have a good chance of ending up together during the trip.
Thanks for the advice! this is going to sound really bad… but unfortuntely a week into no contact (last friday) her housemate told me she didnt want to go with me & she wanted to change her flights or take her new boyfriend.. So I started txting her about it, and she said she didnt think it was a good idea we go because of our breakup. Soo I did the whole, drive to her street and suprise txt her to come out and work out a plan, but she replied that I am crazy and that she is with her new bf and wont be coming home that day… we had a little fight and unfriended her on fb… I argued she should pay me a little money back because of my canceled flight & they wont give me much of a refund… so she agreed to pay me a little bit one day.
This morning I felt really bad how things went so I wrote her nice msg saying sorry for unfriending & the fight, & all the things that I loved about her & the cute memories we had together & how we met…
she wrote back “you are a good person, not deserved to suffer, much less by me and I never wanted to do this with you, I’ll regret it a lot. Excuse me, things were not as planned … in being upset with you, I fell in love with someone else … it was not the intention … happened” Cody Was very well us moment together I ll never forget ! Thank you very much !!
So at least we are on positive terms now…..
Should I give it no contact for a week or 2 and then msg her asking to meet up as friends?
Yes. I’ll recommend make it at least 3-4 weeks.
Thanks Kevin!! I will stringently follow this without fail! Was gonna try something sneaky and ask her housemate to play “coldplay – green eyes” (which was her song for me) when she is in the same room looking lonely or sad… might subconsciously get her to think about me….
Thanks again!
P.s There is another cody below asking about his situation, its not me! thats why I have changed my name to cody australia
I don’t think so you should do it unless you are absolutely 100% sure that her roommate won’t give you away. Or she will figure it out that you made her do this. If she does figure it out, it’s going to backfire.
Kevin,
I was seeing a girl for several months and we were exclusive in every way accept title. I had some issues to work through and made several bad mistakes, in particular, not letting her know that I was serious about her, and telling her that I didn’t care what she did when she wasn’t with me. Stupid I know. When another guy approached her, she told me and asked me what I thought about it. Trying to be too cool for school I lied and said I didn’t care, and that what she did when she was not with me was her business. I really liked this girl, but like I said, I was working through some issues. She ended up hanging out with him every now and then when he would ask her out, but always choose me over her. I’m sure he was her sympathetic ear when I was making mistakes that made her feel unwanted. However, she was at the time 100% sexually exclusive for me, and in that department things were very good. When I did find out that she went to a basketball game with him, even though she asked me first, I freaked out and handled it badly (stupid!). I just assumed she wouldn’t, though I didn’t give her any reassurance or told her I didn’t like it. I was stupidly trying to have my cake and eat it too.
Eventually my small mistakes, mostly related to not being a man and leading the relationship where I wanted it (not making a huge effort to make her feel wanted, or not meeting up with her till very late at bars) added up. She would verbalized this. I was hearing her, but I wasn’t listening. The personal issues I was dealing with definitely contributed to my luckluster efforts to make her feel wanted, and though sex continued to be plentiful and very good, I used it as a substitute for telling her how I felt. One thursday she came over and wanted to talk. Essentially she said she didn’t see a future with me, which obviously hurt greatly. This came as somewhat of a surprise because when we are together, we were still having lots of fun, and plenty of sex. Analyzing it, it must have been my continued small mistakes and my failure to meet her emotional needs that added up. That night I talked her down from the ledge and she left. Though I had made a huge impact with my words, I told her she was making a mistake and I was mad at her. She texted me later that night and said she may if made a mistake and we should finish our conversation Sunday. The following night, Friday, she sent me a lot of texts (we were both out drinking with different people) and I responded. I was basically wish I was with you etc. but we both went back to our own houses and texted then passed out. That Sunday she came over, I opened up about the issues I was experiencing, and how I felt they were effecting us, and basically she listened, cried, and instead of just talking we hung out, had dinner and had passionate sex.
We then made plans to get dinner on Wednesday. Tuesday she texted me and said she didn’t think dinner was a good idea, again citing our differences and lack of potential future. She said that she had never had more fun with someone (but that she didn’t know if that was enough for a serious relationship) and that she didn’t know if she was doing the right thing, but again, didn’t see a future. I didn’t plead or beg, I just told her that I still liked her, but respected her decision and respected her and hope that she looked after her self. I didn’t text again, and initiated no contact.
She texted me the first weekend apart saying “Leo I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I miss you and it’s taken everything not to call you these last few days”. She had been drinking, and so had I, so I waited, and casually responded, asking if she was maybe drunk, but kept it cool. Again I kept up NC. The next weekend she texted me again asking if I was out and what I was up too. I calmly responded after a little while and as the night got later just responded that I was tired and had to go home.
The next day she texted me again saying “hey I’m really sorry for texting you when I have been drunk the last two weekends. I just wonder what your up to sometimes because I always gad so much fun going out with you guys. But still it’s not cool of me and I will make sure it doesn’t keep happening”. This was in the morning, so I tried giving her a call that night. She didn’t answer. The next day she texted me apologizing for missing my call and asking what’s up.
For the last 2 1/2 weeks nc from me, I had lots of fun, got some numbers, and had the chance to get laid a few times (but I didn’t take it, because I wanted a clear mind when me and my ex talked), only calmly and patiently responding to her two messages, I had analyzed what went wrong, what I needed to improve on and worked hard to make some changes. I started seeing a therapist to deal with my personal issues, as well as working out everyday to maintain and improve my already good shape, and started meditating. I looked at the areas I knew I needed to improve and did something g about it. I started to feel a lot more positive, even after only 2 weeks. I decided to wait a shorter amount of time with NC because I felt I was making strides and we were only together a few months and not ever official BF/GF (because I didn’t do it when I should of).
I texted her back and forth and everything seemed comfortable and playful, so I told her I wanted to talk. She was open, though when I tried to push for a in person meet, she was reluctant, claiming she had to consider the feelings of the other guy (she started hanging out with him after we broke up) and that she didn’t want to seem shady, but that she would really love to talk on the phone. I didn’t get angry, I just agreed and made a date to talk 3 days later.
Tonight she called me on our scheduled talk night and we talked for over Ann hour. It started off very casually and we were both laughing and having a good time. Eventually we got down to really talking and I told her that I had missed her too, and that I had meditated on our relationship and then made a formal and heartfelt apology for the crummy things I did to make her feel unwanted when we were together and told her that I really trusted her and respected her as a person. I also told her I wanted her in my life and that she had had a very positive impact on me. I asked her to be friends and she agreed. She also admitted to still being attracted to me, missing me, and how hard the breakup had been on her. She said she had driven by my house a few times, thinking about showing up. She said hearing me say everything I said (taking true responsibility for my contributions to our rift, without blaming her for anything, or expecting to be forgiven or for a counter apology) was more then she ever could have expected. She also agreed that we should meet in person to see how it is, though she didn’t know when (neither do I). She did also say that she has been forcing herself to try to move on because the pain was so strong, and that she has been having a really happy time with this other guy and that she didn’t want to do anything to mess that up. She said she was so sad because it makes her wonder what could of been if I could of acknowledged and fixed these problems when we were together. Then she said its a lot to absorb and she didn’t know what was going to happen in the future. I don’t know if it’s important but she was definitely giggly and relaxed when I briefly brought up our steamy sex life, though it was to make the point that I made the mistake of using it as a substitute for proper affection and verbalization (which I did).
She said she was not in a relationship with this other guy but was very happy seeing him… But this made her think. A lot.
It hurt to hear that, but I didn’t freak out. I told her I wanted her to be happy, and that he was a lucky guy and that if she was still single, I want her in my life some type of way. I wished her goodnight and hung up.
Now I am leaving her to marinate on those thoughts. Especially considering she said she was so blown away. My question is, what phase am I at? Should I let her sit on, see how she reacts (I’m guessing I’ll get a text of some description) and then move in as the friend who isn’t in the friendzine? Ie: seducing her again starting with your text plan? How serious should I take this other guy? She says she is happy with him and doesn’t want to jeopardize that, though she still has been texting me drunk, texting me during the days in the last few days talking about things when we were together or being basically friendly and receptive. She was very receptive to speak. Seeing as she is seeing this guy, I’m going to absolutely get on with my life and take my chances when they come, because I assume if she isn’t sleeping with him yet, she is going to at least once. I’m not that upset about that, as long as I’m not waiting for her like that, which I won’t, but I want to know how I should proceed to ultimately get her back.
Thanks so much in advance,
Leo.
Yeah, move in as a friend and try to seduce her. Try to meet her as much as you can and show her the fun and confident side of you. I think you have a pretty good chance if you just follow the guide.
Hi Kevin
I split 3 weeks ago with my girlfriend. She had a miscarriage in December 2013. There were fertility issues associated with the pregnancy. We both have stressful jobs and there have been arguments and lack of empathy with each other. Just before the breakup she agreed to undertake a colleagues job as well as her own for 2 months. The extra workload and the negative atmosphere at home tipped her over the edge. I argued and said hurtful things.
She said she had had enough and that she didn’t love me any more and that the relationship was spoilt. She said we would part and house would go up for sale. She asked me to move out which i did and she also changed the locks. She was experiencing panic attacks. I stayed away for a week and then I was asked to remove my things from the house. I made the mistake of asking her to reconsider about us parting and kind of got a little desparate. It didn’t go well!!
On my next visit to remove stuff a few days later she remarked on my positive outlook and the fact I had accepted the breakup and she remarked a number of times how nice I looked and why didnt I look as good for her. We chatted and it was good.
The house is now up for sale but I am still maintaining on the outside a positive happy facade. On the inside I’m the opposite!!
I Don’t know how to play it. She will have to stay in contact with me about the house so how do I maintain the no contact rule without appearing rude??
Is there any chance of it working out?
I have said I will be there to talk and listen if she needs it.
I would welcome any advice please.
regards Alex
Continue doing what you’ve been doing. After everything has settled, start complete no contact for a month and then follow the guide.
Well where to start. I was hanging out with a girl ( she thought it was more than what I did). Without telling her I went away and found another girl. After 3 months I ended that and talked to girl 1 again. We ended up being together. Since she gave me a hot after all the pain I origanilly put her through we was goin ok. We moved in together after about 6 months. Since movin in together I started to work long hours, 6 days a week and we never really did things on a weekend or after work because I was so tired. She mentioned to me a month ago that she is over my attitude towards her, lazy around home and non appreciative.So she moved out ( still together) I picked my game up a little. We would catch up 2-3 times a week for the next 3 weeks and every time out day was fantastic, but at night I would nag her to move back in because I was lonely. She rejected time after time. In the end I got so frustrated and told her to F off, ( terrible move). So she left and told me the next day she couldn’t do it anymore. I begged for her back and told her things would change. The last week she has entered the house while I’m away removing all her things. She is happy to reply to my texts, answer my calls ect. But just says she can’t do it again. The last conversation I had with her I asked do you love me? “Yes”. Do you miss me? ” yes”. But she just can’t do it anymore. It’s been 2 days of NC and I’m really starting to wonder will I get another chance to prove her wron and that I can be a good bf. what are your honest thoughts on this? And is there any realistic chance I’ll be with her again.
Hi Kevin,
First of all thanks for the article it has given me hope during a time of pain and depression. I would like your personal thoughts on my situation and what I should do. My ex and I were together for a little more than a year in which after I broke up with her. The following day I called her and tried to get her back but she told me things were over. This happened at the end of January and I waited a little over a month and contacted her again. We ended up getting back together for the first week of March and were seemingly happy for 4 days until she said she was confused and said she didn’t love me anymore and that she wanted to be alone. Ever since then I have been emotionally devastated, I waited two weeks after this happened and found out that she had been talking to a guy since our break-up. I then called her crying and begging for her back, I even went to her house and talked to her even after she told me repeatedly that she did not want to talk. At her house we talked for about 2 hours but it was mostly me begging for her back and her telling me that she has been talking to another guy for a week and has feelings for him now and that there is no chance of her and I ever getting back together. She has now blocked my number as well as blocked me on most social media sites. This all happened two days ago and I would like to know what you suggest I do to get her back because I am absolutely still in love with her and would do anything to be with her again. Thank you.
Also Kevin, her birthday is in 2 weeks and if I stick with the no contact rule I will not have attempted to talk to her for 2 weeks when it is her birthday. Would this be a good time to leave her the hand-written letter? Or should I not do anything for her birthday and write the letter at the end of the 30 day no contact period? Another question also, what if she is still with this new guy by the end of the 30 day no contact period? Thanks again.
I’ll suggest you apply no contact and follow the advise in the article. I know it feels like you messed up but I believe there is still a chance. At least, it’s worth trying. If it doesn’t work once, you can close this chapter in your life and move on.
What do you think of my situation Kev?
I replied to you here.
Hi Kevin,
My name is Harry and like most people who write post on your wall, I’m trying to get back an ex-girlfriend. To make it short as possible, we were in a relationship for 10 months. During those 10 months we both would go deeper and deeper in love.. We even got to the point in the relationship that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.. We met family and friends.. Everything was going great… Until I cheated.. Not only did I cheat, but I wasn’t sober when I had cheated…. I ended up confessing to her…. she thought I was going to propose but ended up getting the news that I cheated on her… She even brought the application for marriage with her, in which she gave it to me as a reminder that I messed up big time…. The biggest reason why I ended up cheating was because I drink, smoked, and experimented here and there which was the reason why that night happened…. In the wake of confessing to her that I cheated she also found out that even when we compromised on me only smoking by myself or with my brother, she found out that I didn’t keep my end of the compromise. I pretty much didn’t keep my end of compromises and lied that I did. At the end of the day, she called out the relationship as being a lie from day one.. Is there any hope for me? She said things that made me honestly wish I died at that point… I want her back and want to rebuild trust but after reading the briefness of our relationship in this comment, should I try going through all of this ?? I’m so confused and hurt.. I know it’s my fault…
Yes, you should try. At least once. Send her the apology letter after 30 days. And give her time to forgive you. Hopefully, things will work out for you.
Thank you. What you got going on here with your website and e-course is the most amazing thing and the fact that your willing to help the broken hearts that find your website is truly amazing.. Once again… Thank you.
He Kevin
I hope you can help me!
I was with my gf over two years we also wrok closely together that’s where we met each other. she is a very nice and kind girl and she’s been nice to me since then. I need to admit that I wasn’t the nicest guy to her during our relationship but I have my reasons too. We went on a vacation together, lots of good and bad memories that happened while we were together. When she came to me she was engaged to a guy but she didn’t want to merry her because of his family she wasn’t number one to him therefore she called it off. After a year I figured out that she is looking for a serious relationship. Unfortunately because of my family religion and background I knew I can’t marry her which is stupid. Every time she brought up to meet each others family I said no straight up until this last Valentine’s day when I told her she needs to think about me because I’m not going to meet her parents. All I did was because I knew my family isn’t going to agree with this relationship. She was even trying to learn my language and convert to my religion. Biggest mistake was not talking to my family about her before I call it off however i did and now almost they all know and agree about it. I tried to get her back, cried, begged, and every other possible move that I thought it might work, nothing worked, she said that it’s over and I should’ve been nice to her earlier and introduce her to my family. As of respect I went to her dad and apologized to him which I think he didn’t take it. I also found out that she is sleeping with this other guy that she knew almost 5 years ago, it felt like a stab in heart I was devastated, so I asked her about him she said that there is nothing between them until one day at work I had her promising me that she is not going to sleep with him at least until we figure things out. Afew days later I asked her about her promise and getting back together when she said that she has feelings for this guy. I was shocked and felt even worse. Same day at work on my lunch I commit suicide. She found out and got upset and angry, she tried to send me home but I didn’t. I realize it was stupid I told her that too then she asked me to give her space and time to think. It’s been a week that I haven’t talked to her outside of work.
I forgot to mention that she is dedicated to her job and she doesn’t want anyone to find out about our relationship and at the same time hates to hide this. I even told her if we get back together I will leave that place, but since I help her a lot at work she doesn’t want me to leave. I got upset and told her that she is manipulating with me, told her that she wants me to help her at work till you get stronger at work and find stranger feelings for the other guy. I threatened her that I will go to head office and tell them everything, She again said that she needs space and time.
At this point I decided to apply the no contact and stop begging her.
Kevin I’m afraid that she won’t come back, lliterally it’s been getting worse and worse day by day. I have no friends here to talk.
Please advise me !!
I know I can make her happy, I really love her!
Mehdi,
You really need to calm down and learn to be happy without her. It’s good you are applying no contact, but you need to accept the fact that she is just a girl and there are millions of other girls out there for you. I sincerely hope things work out for you, but even if it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world. Anyways, give her space and time that she needs and you use this space and time to become a happy person without her.
Hi Kevin
Hope you still remember my situation! As you suggested I’ve been taking it easy and slowed down. However after a few weeks of no contact I asked her to come over and meet my family. She finally agreed and it turned out to be good because my family liked her and so did she, I think. After we went out a few times and last Saturday I was at her place and made her breakfast, after the breakfast while I was cleaning the kitchen she came over and kissed me. It was a beautiful moment and it brought my hopes up of getting her back. Same day while we were watching tv she told me that she is confused. I know she is still dating the other guy although I know about it have not talked or asked about him. She is also coming over for dinner with my entire family soon.
I would love to know what should I do now??
Thanks again Kevin!
Continue doing what you’ve been doing. Let her confusion creep into her relationship with the other guy.
Sure I will.
She just told me that she can not make it for the dinner because of her family situation, and that I’m pushing her again. I told her it’s ok I will give you more space, but I will still see her at work. The only problem is that I can’t stand this awaiting time. It’s driving me crazy. Also I told her that we both need space because when we get back together I want to have a stronger and happier relationship for ever with you.
That last part wasn’t a smart move. Let it be her idea to get back together. By telling her your intentions clearly, you are telling her that everything you are doing is to get back together, and that makes you needy. If someone who is trying to seduce tells you clearly that he is trying to seduce you, the seduction becomes less effective. Be subtle my friend. Subtlety is your best friend at this moment.
She is going on a week vacation with him which I found out through work. I was thinking that I’m going to apply the NC again and try to forget about her being with this guy. Just if she wants to get back together why is she seeing this guy though ? Don’t you think that she is manipulating me ?
Yes, she is. Although, there is also a chance that she is confused about her feelings and is just doing what’s making her feel better.
Just a correction on my last comment she is going alone on her vacation she told me herself. And what she wants is a more time to make sure that I’m going to be the same person that I’ve been for tge past few weeks.
I got my hopes back again. I will maintain the nc for maybe another month but I’ll make sure that I show her that I still care for her at work!!
Hey Kevin
So I sent her a hand wwritten letter on Saturday, wishing her a great time on her vacation. No response yet, not that I’m expecting any response but would’ve been nice to hear something. I think she wants to stick to her decision of keeping the distance and time to heal the pain of the break up. I don’t know what I should do now?
Please help!!
Wait two weeks and send her a text.
Hi Kevin.
First of all Thanks for the Article. I would like your personal thoughts on this. I was dating a girl for 5 months which after 4 months we decided to get more serious and in a relationship. She had a bit of issues about a surgery and 3 days after a good night out together I began to notice that she’s leaning back. The next day she send me a message and told me that it’s better if we break up and remain friends cause she is not happy about her life at the moment. I send her back and told her no problem at all but it will be better if we don’t remain friends and cut off the contact since I want to give you some time for yourself.
To cut things short. After 1 week she send me a message and told me that she want to be friends with me. and why I’m not talking to her. I texted back and told her i just needed my own time. She told me to be friends and i told her that it’s better to meet up and go have a drink somewhere and we talk from there. She accepted and we set up a date.
When the day comes I texted her with the time to pick her. She agreed the time and 1 hour before the date she sent me back and told me that she’s in pain and will not able to make it. I got a bit frustrated. The next day I saw on facebook that she’s going out with her friends. I went to talk to her and we had a little bit of argument. I cut off the conversation and went out. I made a non contact for another week and a day before the surgery I sent her goodluck.
From that day she came to talk to me everyday, and even sending me some emotional music. I kept the conversations cool and short, But I was noticing that there is another guy which I think she is interesed in.
What do you suggest please. Should I cut off contact again or just keep talking to her ?
Thanks
Keep talking to her. Invite her out again after a while.
Should I talk to her casualy .. or should I flirt a bit aswell?
Flirt as well. Use as much kino as you can.
Hi Kev. I Think she is playing me. During this week we chatted everyday on Facebook. Mostly about music, her future planning’s and also mine etc. We never talked about our relationship and during some conversations we were reminding each other about some things we did in our relationship, like playing music etc. Yesterday thursday, she didn’t came to talk to me and I send her on messenger. Just asked her and chatted a bit. I went for a course I.m currently doing and I didn’t sent her after. She talked to me on Facebook and chatted for about an hour. I was noticing that she was bragging a bit.
Today I didn’t sent her any messages and she neither. At around midnight she wrote a status on Facebook stating “Good things happens when you meet Strangers”.
I think she went out with a guy on a date, which i was suspecting before that she was interested in him. Or else she wrote it, to play games with me.
I think its better to don’t contact her for a while. And is she contacts me I keep the conversation light and short. What are your Thoughts Kevin.? Thanks.
Do no contact for a week. And then start texting again. It could be she is looking at her options. Let her look. You are already broken up, she all the right in the world to go on a date. You should go on a few dates as well before getting back together.
Hi Kev,
I went into no contact last friday. A guy putted a pic on her profile. therefore she had a date with him.
I think it’s better to no contact her for more than a week, since i’m still a bit pissed about it.
I went on dates but didn’t enjoyed them. What are your thoughts please. And if she comes to talk to me what should I do.
Thanks
DS
You should stay no contact as long as you think it’s necessary. If she comes to talk to you in person, treat her like an acquaintance. Be cordial but end the conversation quickly by making up an excuse. If she calls you, or keeps on texting you, tell her you need some space and time right now and you will appreciate it if she understands.
Hi Kev Yesterday I’ve posted a quote on facebook. Just for general public not for her. The Quote was “Fake People have an image to Maintain, Real People just Dont Care” about an hour later she posted a quote on her’s quoting :
“Never seek validation from anyone. respect yourself by making your own choice; this will bring respect from others. Remember when you have confidence in yourself and your worth, you don’t need anyone else to co-sign.
What do you think by this?
I think facebook status wars are hilarious. My girlfriend does this when she has a fight with one of her friends. I just make fun of her and laugh at it. But I digress, don’t overthink it man. Continue doing what you’ve been doing.
Hi Dave thanks for your thoughts. However I made a no contact already 3 weeks ago and then began to talk again. Now I made no contact again so i think if she text me is better to text her back and end the conversation as soon as possible.
It depends. If you think you can handle a conversation with her without obsessing over her, then yes.
Hi Kev. I’m going to keep no contact with her till I feel good enough to talk to her. Lately she also began to like some of my shared links on facebook.
Though she also posted on her profile that she went out somewhere with another guy!!
Stop looking at her profile. If looking at her profile makes you obsess over her, you are defeating the purpose of no contact.
Hi Kev,
Thanks for your Reply. Today I had some good news regarding my career and I wrote on my profile facebook that Exciting things happens in your life when you least expect them.
She liked my status and came to talk to me on facebook chat and told me that she’s happy for me and trying to get to know what the exciting thing was. I didn’t told her anything about it. I thanked her and talked to her like somebody I know as an acquaintance. She writing a bit weird while chatting
We talked for around 15 mins and just before I was going to tell her that I have to leave she left the conversation without saying goodbye. I didn’t talked to her again after.
What do you think of this? Thanks.
There could be many reasons for that. Don’t over think it. Continue doing what you’ve been doing.
Should I Talk to her again ? Or Leave her to come and talk to me?
hould I Talk to her again ? Or Leave her to come and talk to me?
Hey Kev. Would Like your opinion in this please. Lately she’s been stalking me on facebook. Everytime I post something or do a profile pic she make’s a like.
I feel good now. I mean, I don’t feel sad or something but I’m not 100% sure if i can ask her out. Yesterday she made a friendly comment on a photo I uploaded and talked to here via chatting for just 5 mins cause I was out. I talked to her in a friendly way.
Would like your opinion if it’s a good time to establish more contact with her. Or should I give some more time?
Thanks
It’s for you to decide. Do you think you are ready? If you decide to get back in touch, don’t ask her out straight away. Continue chatting with her for a week before asking her out.
OK Great. Thanks Kev. The Only problem I have is that I think she is seeing another Guy though. That’s why I’m a bit confused if I can talk to her or not.
Would like your opinion in this.
Thanks
Even if she is seeing another guy, you should contact her after no contact.
Ok Kev Thanks. Yesterday she send me a message on facebook to wish me happy easter. I did the same and she send me a smile. I didn’t replied to her though, cause I was out.
I’m going to stay for another week of no contact and contact her next week. Probably I’m going to see her this weekend though in a party. I feel that I have everything under my control now. It’s been two months now. You think I still have a chance?
Thanks for helping.
Yes, you do.
Hi Kev, Hope All is Good 🙂
Last week she was coming to talk to me everyday. And I decided to begin contact with her. She even told me that she is going to record some music albums for me and asked me for some a dance party invites, since I’m a Dj. I Told her to meet me on thursday.
On Thursday we met but she told me that she can’t stay long because she was going jogging with her Gay friend. When She arrived she came to kiss me on the cheeks and I backed off just to tease her. Before she left I told her to meet up sometime for a drink and she told me ok.
On Friday I Send her a message to thank her about the albums that she gave me. And told her that I was going to have a drink in our friends bar and asked her to come with us. She told me that she will send me later on.
An Hour later she send me and told me that she is going somewhere else with her gay (male) friend. She told me if you want to come there text me. I told her no problem but I’m going to my friends bar today and maybe for next time, and if I make up my mind I come to the place you’r going. I thanked her but she didn’t replied.
On Saturday I Was djing In A Club and she was in another Club. She Send me a Message and told me that is very good where she was, but I didn’t replied. around an hour later she came where I was playing. I offered her a drink and we kissed each other.
On the other hand on Sunday she was acting a bit cold. I asked her to meet me next week for a coffee and she told me we talk about it.
On Monday I didn’t contact her and on Tuesday she send me a message. I told her to meet me because she asked me for more tickets of the party but she told she was going to the gym and maybe she come before for the. I told her I will call her later than. In the evening I Send her a message to meet another day cause I was going to the gym too.
At night I was on facebook and she came to chat with me again. She asked me to come to a marathon for a good cause which were going to organize it where she works.
Would like your opinion on this. Should I go to this marathon?? Or will I seem a bit needy if I go?
Would like Your Advise asap please 🙂 thanks Kevin
Kevin, I have told you most of my situation previously. Hope your able to reconnect to it. My question is, based on my events-should I recontact her by letter or text? I am thinking letter even though all our contact when not together has been by text. But maybe the letter will give that extra something that I might need. But I don’t want to be too dramatic. What do you think?
Dave
Go with the letter. I agree it might give you an edge.
Hi Kevin, about the letter. I don’t think that I can use the “Magic Letter” format for this initial contact after the “no contact” period…can I? It does not seem to fit due to us not fighting, and we are already in the friend zone. It seems that the magic letter is used somewhat to get into the “false friendship”. I don’t need that at this point. I am just re-connecting after no contact to get my stuff. Would you agree with that…or should I try at this time to work in the Magic Letter type format. It’s a little confusing since I am also using the “Relationship Rewind”.
Thanks for input.
Dave
Don’t use the letter. Go with the relationship rewind system.
Hi Kevin, Wow. A lot sure can change in a matter of a little time. Especially your feelings toward someone. You know what they say about hind sight being 20/20. Well let me just say that I can see things a lot more clearly now that some healing time has transpired. And I have been back to see my ex to get some things-I will be going back to get more. I still have feelings for her, and I still have an open heart for her. But after really looking at everything that had occured and how she did me, I don’t know that I would go back! She would have lots to prove and we would have lots to work through. I almost feel like I would be going backwards now. I have forgiven her as I said from the get go. Maybe that helped me move beyond her. I know that this web site helped me tremendously and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart! I believe that you truly do care and you are certainly helping us guys. In a way-I almost feel sorry for my ex because she really has no idea what she let go when she messed up our relationship. I would have done anythinfor her as I pretty much did anyways. I am sure her new fling will never be what I was and now…I have pretty much moved on. I have met someone else. Don’t know where it will go..but for now she is in my life and I would not mess this up for an ex that tried to keep me hanging on when she wanted to try someone else.
Dave
I am glad my website helped you reach this point Dave. Thanks a lot for your comment and I wish you the best in your life and your future relationships.
Thing is…for 4-5 mths she had been seeing someone on the side while all the time she lived with me and acted as though all was normal. Then I pulled it out of her…she was not going to tell me…for how long? Who knows. When I think about this…and the fact that I truley loved her with all my heart…and how much I did for her by remodeling her basement, all the landscaping, all the repairs to the home and paid for it all! I realize I did too much and she lost a lot more that she knows. She used to say that I deserved better. I now believe her after all this and even though for a long time after all this happened I would have taken her back in a heart beat, I now see this this might be a big mistake. We’ll see how things go. Like I said..I have an open heart, I am that kind of a guy. But I have stopped wanting her back. She would have to be extraordinary in some way for me to consider this now. But anything is possible. I still need to go back for stuff, and I will be considerate and humble, but I sure will not exibit any neediness!
Thanks again Kevin. Your a great guy for doing what you are doing. I will keep you posted if there are any developments.
Dave
I think you have a great blog. I just started the nc after a year of begging, pleading for her to get back with me. I even continued to buy her gifts even though I know she has been living with a new guy since we split. She use to tell me that she still loved me and it made me think that I was suppose to fight harder to win her back.(wish I had read your article some time ago) well I brought her a watch and some earrings for her bday which was 3weeks ago. She was suppose to come see me that day but didn’t. I waited two days before calling but I did something really stupid I went over to her house she wasn’t home but I threatened to tell her current bf about us. I left but I call her repeadtly for an hour and texted her she didn’t respond. So now I’m at the point to where I don’t know what to do. I know she needs her space (she told me to give her six more months) but I think she is just playing me. What do I do?
She is playing with you man. She wants you to wait around for six more months while she is with the other guy. Start no contact with her and start dating someone else. Contact her after three months using the methods in the guide. If she still tries to play you, move on.
Hi Kevin I’m in a weird situation can you help me.
My girlfriend cheated on me and broke up with me via a txt msg she is still with this guy she then blocked my calls Facebook, ect. I had know way to contact her I decided it was best to attempt to move on as hard as it was I couldn’t contact her so that’s all I could do.
A month went past I joined the gym in that time and was getting back into shape. I went down to the local shops to get some supplies and she was working in a shop as I went past. I decided to go in there a chat to her I told her how I felt and told her what I’ve been doing with my spare time.
This is where it would have been good to have read this article earlier. She contacted me and she said I could come see her tomorrow and chat this is where I was telling her how much I love her. I want her back. Break up with this guy and come back to me. I’ve meet her a few times since that day and most of the convocation are about that. We don’t fight he dont know I’m talking to her. But I did meet up with her before work and never mentioned anything about being with her again.
What should I do now I still love her and want her back. I’m not friend zoned I know she loves me.
What’s the next step for me as I stuffed up the meet bit
Oh I forgot to tell she is engaged he asked her to marry him after 2 months of knowing him
It’s alright. Keep no contact for another week or two and then get back in touch. Then keep building attraction until she starts having second thoughts and then ask her to be with you.
She told me that she wants to meet me on Monday and she will call me I believe it would be lunch while she is on her lunch break. This was told to me yesterday Friday when I last meet her for lunch. Do I go or do I ignore her phone call and txt if she txt. Or should I reply with I have to work so another time
BTW that’s so much kevin
Meet up. Don’t talk about getting back together. Be cool and have fun. Apply kino as much as you can.
Thanks kev nice advise. So what happens in the morning if she doesn’t call me like she said she would. should I call her and arrange lunch with her. There also could be the possibility that she may have blocked my phone because her boyfriend may have found out I’m texting her and meeting up with her. I don’t want to just rock up at her work and be like are we having lunch. If she has blocked me is there a way to go about contacting her. Like a safe way
If she doesn’t call you, don’t go. Don’t ask her why she didn’t call you. Contact her after a week, but still don’t talk about her not calling you.
Then again I can call her work phone. But she would only have blocked me because this bloke would have told her to do so. Reason I think I’ve been blocked is the fact that I sent her a msg to try build more attraction. It said hey just saw a AD on TV about Frozen on DVD ” do you want to build a snowman? ” hope your doing well. 🙂 and I got know reply or it’s telling me it hasn’t been read yet
Hey kev looks like she has blocked my phone what’s the next step because she might not unblock my phone even if I do no contact rule for a week or 2. What you think???
Hey Kev I spoke to her today we went for a coffee but the conversation was about our relationship. She told her boyfriend about me and he asked her to make a decision between him and myself. She choose him so I have to move on now she told me that she can’t talk to me anymore And has already blocked me. I guess it’s time for me to give up and move on. I’m sure I’ll find someone else. Just going to be hard to stop feeling this way. I guess me making the mistakes early when I first saw her again was my demises. I feel hurt once again. I guess when you love someone so much it hurts to know they choose someone else over me. I used to talk about all the good times we had all the good memories but I couldn’t stop her from talking about the negatives. Thanks Kev appreciate your help hopefully I find that someone special some day. I truly did love her so much
I am sure will find someone even better Adam. All the best.
Hi Kevin,
Sir, first i want to thank you for the article(s) and advices you made available for all to see they are very helpful. I am glad i found this site and i hope you are reading this because i need your help and advice(s).
I will start my story here and this is a not-so-long relationship (100+ miles) that only lasted less then 2 months: I met a woman on eHarmony on Feb 17th. We are both christian and are same years of age. We hit it off well on the dating site asking many questions and giving answers to each other then i asked for her phone number but she declined because she already had a man in her life but was not sure if this was the one so she dumped me on eHarmony. Five days later, she contacted me and we started to talk again and this times she dumped him. We made 1st physical contact on March 8 from that point on, we really liked each other much more and eventually fell in love with each other.
I would travel down to her town to meet her every time taking times off from work, energy and spending gas money. We talked about everything including marriage because we both wanted to settle down get married and grow old together. She was happy and i was happy and she tells me that i am everything she ever wanted that i am “perfect”, and she couldn’t find anything wrong with me except that i am hearing impaired. Everything was going great even met her kids and extended family, gone to church a couple times with them and even taken a road trip with whole family and we were all happy. We were very happy and wanted to get married.
So you are wondering, what wrong with this picture? As mentioned before, i have a disability i wear a hearing aid and communication is very important not only for me but also for her as well as the rest of the family. She admitted to me that she don’t have the patience as she could have and thought she could handle it plus i was stressing her out because she doesn’t like to repeat things over to me if i didn’t hear or understand AND wanted me to learn sign language she offended me but i forgave her. So, i told her i would work on our communication skills and for look for a better hearing aid device . She also mentioned more than once about her fear and that is money but she would continue to spend money on her family (she was the breadwinner) and would worry about running short on funds. I offered help and she declined but still talked about not having enough sufficient funds and how she would be able to pay her debts. All my friends tell me that she was using me even though i never gave money to pay her debts but i have made many efforts time and money to come and be with her and she never made an effort to visit me in my hometown. She was upset because i listened to my friends and taking their advices so there was tension building up between us because of stress and from me having hard of hearing so i broke up with her on April 4th by sending a text message because i told her it wasn’t working out and made no further contact via phone or text. To this day, i have not heard from her no texts, no phone calls and i do miss her.
Kevin, i still love and miss her but should i move on with my life or apply the NC rule since i am the one who broke up?
Apply no contact rule. It’s only been a couple of days. Give her time to miss you and you should also give yourself time to decide whether or not you really want her back. After 30 days if you still feel like you want her back, then contact her.
Hi Kev
I wonder if you could help. I broke up with my first love 3 months ago after being friends for 3 years and then being in a very serious relationship for almost 2 years (we were planning our lives together and our goals matched up – kids names chosen and all). For 2 weeks she tried to get me back but I wanted none of it and was extremely rude to her. Then, when I saw her stop trying, I flipped and began to try win her back. I soon found out she started seeing another guy. I have been trying for 3 months now to win her back (I know I want her back – no panic at all). I have made all the mistakes, begging, crying, constant messaging etc and even worse things to try get her back. There has been a couple times where she has responded to my efforts and she has come to meet me twice to try get back together. But both times she ran away again back to this rebound guy.
I feel I’ve messed up and my situation is too complex to follow your article now since all this has happened. Can the reset button just be pressed and start following it from scratch each time? Im not sure.
Could you please help
It’s worth trying one more time. This time, follow no contact and don’t act needy. I think there’s still a chance.
Hi Kev.
Here’s my situation. My girlfriend of 37 months had a huge fight and out of anger, I told her that I didn’t care if this relationship were to end but I never really meant it and I guess she took it literally and for a few days, she told me she was upset and I was being very egoistic. After 5 days, I caved in and told her I love her and that I want her back and she totally flipped the card on me and now she has the power over me. It’s like she was the one who dumped me. A week after that, on our supposed monthsary date (11th of every month), I called her and we met. She cancelled her plans to go out with me willingly and we’ve been doing really great on dates for like 3 weeks since the break up. I felt like there was still a chance but I blew it recently because I lost it.
I brought up the break up and how could she not love me anymore despite all I’ve done and all we’ve been through and I got so mad, I blocked her off twitter. This triggered her to be even more mad with me and after 5 days, I apologised and found out she changed her facebook name (she had my last name), to her original name and also she created a new account for her instagram etc. I feel really hurt. I almost got her but I blew it because of my stupid emotions.
Do you think I stand a chance on getting her back?
Yes, you do have a chance. Follow the guide.
My girlfriend recently broke up with me because I had told a little lie and didn’t trust other guys around her. I told her I lied and that I didn’t like these other guys around her and she said that she didn’t trust me. We both left Uni and are now at home, me being in Leicester and her in Newcastle. So the distance is really difficult considering we lived directly opposite each other in halls. She seemed really off so I rang her up and she told me that it wasn’t working and she didn’t love me anymore because she didn’t trust me. I also thought she missed me but it turned out she doesn’t which is strange because 2 weeks have now passed and before she missed me after a weekend or 2 days. I am really struggling with all this break up and I can’t sort it out as I’m too fat away to see her. She messaged me yesterday asking whether ‘I wanted to watch Glee sometime’. Obviously this doesn’t mean anything to you but basically when we were at Uni, we found out we both liked each other and had never spoke to each other. One night she invited me into her room and asked me whether I wanted to watch glee (I hate glee but was really into this girl). I went into her room and we ended up chatting for hours and it was really where we first had really strong feelings for each other and it hit off from there. This text really confused me because she didn’t miss me and wants the space but seems like she wants to see me? I am unsure of what to say or do? I think she wants things to go back to the start. Is this the case? Does she want to start a relationship from the beginning and start fresh? I am desperate for your help. This is the first things that’s been said since we broke up so it’s a little strange to me. Do you think there is still hope for the relationship or is it too early to say?
Thanks
Joe
Yes, there is hope. It seems she does want to take things from the start. Accept her invitation. See where things go. Just don’t act needy and don’t make any of the above mistakes. If she is cold, then follow the guide.
Hi Kevin,
Yesterday i found out this website, I think its very helpful for us. I loved my girlfriend last one year in my office, she also loving truly. some times i am not interested to love i don’t know the reason, I am lovely just for time pass in that time.. She waiting for me 6 months but i am not response to them she calling and message daily but i am not pickup any call. After December 25 2013, i know now she loving other guy. when that news i am hearing in that time i cannot do any work and i cannot eat, i cannot sleep like a mental. i am always thinking about my girlfriend. After i lovely so much my girlfriend truly . But she lovely other guy. I directly call and told i am really sorry now i am really loving you, please understand me without you i cannot leave in this world. but she not understand my words. But she daily speaking with me like friend that all, every day i show my love lot i am so much loving you please understand but she not understand , Yesterday she calling talking with me, I am asking you loving are not tell me frankly don’t waste my time, she told i am not loving you. In that time i cut the phone, after i am going to bar full drink and thinking we can do some think different then only she come back withme. I planed and My friend told to my girlfriend yesterday sam full drink he fell down in floor now i admit in hospital . she get felling and calling to me but i am not pickup the call, she calling so many time but i am not pickup the call, after she directly call to my mother she asking how is sam, my mother told he is fine just now only he speaking in phone. After she know this is game.. now she not talking to me not pick up my phone call. Please help me , I want my girlfriend back now i am danger …..Please Kevin………
Follow the advise in the article.
Hello kevin,
I read this article thoroughly and i want to thank you so much, its so very helpful.
Here is what happened with me- I knew this girl since she stayed in the same house campus as mine but i never approached her then. After a while she shifted to her new house and we started chatting on phone. Soon we started meeting and grew fond of each other, eventually i fell in love with her. We were together in relationship for about 2 and a half months. She told me how much she liked me and has never seen anybody like me. I treated her like a princess in this time and never got into fight or said anything offensive to her. We have a age gap of 6 and half years. Everything was going so fine until day before yesterday over chat she stared acting coldly with me and suddenly said she does not want to meet me anymore and wants to break up. i asked her to meet me once so that we can discuss it face to face but she replied in negative. I requested her repeatedly and i eventually cried over the chat and told her about that. I again told her how much i love her but to no avail. After so many requesting attempt i told her that i cannot force her with her decision, but i will feel good if she met me. Finally i text-ed her that she will be that special princess. she thanked me and said goodbye. I was always very gentle and pampering to her and never got into fight with her or said anything offensive. It has been the worst two days of my life already. I wake up with her thoughts in night and i am going through a lot of emotions. Now, i think that i made myself to accommodating to her and i confessed my love to her very early, is that was the reason she got uninterested in me. Please help me out with this because i truly love her. I haven’t contacted her after that but it is very difficult for me right now. She is not into any other relationship and is very shy. I guess she is scared to get into a serious relationship presently. please tell me how can i get her back, i want her because i truly love her. Please kevin do reply its so much important fr me. Can i get her back???
Follow the guide Gaurav. That’s your best bet. She might be afraid of commitment so when you get back in touch with her, take things slowly.
Thank you so much kevin for replying, i really appreciate. please tell me should i text her that we be friends as she is scared of commitment right now. I fear that if i follow no contact rule for lo she might get into her shell as she is very shy and then it will be difficult to reach her.
thank you.
I think you both do need no contact and if you don’t give her time, she will just put up her defenses whenever you contact her. Use the text messages in the article after no contact.
Hey Kevin,
I was in no talking phase and after 15 days and got a call from ex and we started talking again all was going well for few days and we started fighting again. She was mad at me because she thought that i left her and was never going to come back. We fought almost every single day then after one big fight i sent her a apology letter with flowers and she got more furious said she doesn’t want this, sorry is just a word and it doesn’t matter and now she is not talking to me again. I don’t know what to do now.
Follow the guide again. Stop apologizing to her. It makes you look weak and needy. You need to work on your communication skills before getting back in touch with her. May I recommend non violent communications by Marshall Rosenberg.
Hey Kevin,
I got a message again from her asking why i am not talking to her. I didn’t reply. We were best friends before entering the relationship phase and she wants us to be friends. Right now i don’t know if that’s possible. Please suggest.
If you get another message, tell her you need space and time.
Hi kevin,
After the no talking phase i wrote an email the same as sample email. Previously she was trying to be friends with me by messaging i didn’t reply as said in the no talking phase. Well i got a reply by email only it said have fun and tc. thats all I think she is mad at me for not talking with her for a month. What to do next?
It’s a good sign that she is mad. Text her again after two weeks.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for your reply, I follow as per your advice. I started yesterday onwards, but i want one clarification, I done big mistake I cheated my girlfriend, i am thinking she never talk to me again because i cheated,
Can you please help me, now i can follow no contact rule, i thinking that now i follow no contact rule she never talk to me, because i cheated and now she loving other guy.. please help me Kevin, what can i do now… i follow the rule are not tell me. I am waiting for your reply….
Send her the letter as mentioned in the article. There is a chance. But there is also a chance that it might not work, so keep that in mind and be prepared for it.
Hi Kevin,
I need some advice.
My girlfriend and I were in a relationship for about 6 months. The relationship was going good until the last month. She broke up with me cause she felt like she wasn’t being appreciated and we just had to many differences. The key factor that led to our breakup was that she started to have feeling for another guy and she didn’t want to have feelings for another guy while she was with me. I’ve learned from my mistakes and I promised myself that I would never make those same mistakes again. I know that if we got back together I could make the knew relationship better than the last one we had.
We’ve been apart for about two weeks now but we go to the same college so we still hang out as friends. But every time I’m with her she’s texting this other guy she likes. I have asked her what her feeling for this guy are and she said that she wants to be more than friends with him. I have a feeling that they might get together over the summer.
So I need some advice on this situation
Oh and I have one question to ask. Am I violating the no contact rule?
Yes, you are violating the no contact rule. You need to stop contact with her. She is going to hook up with him even if you try to stop her. So it’s better to back off for a while and follow the guide.
***Please read this :'(*** Hey there, 4 months ago my gf broke up with me, within those 4 months she has told me she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and prior to that, i had a letter that i recieved by the mail, i know she is telling the truth when she said this, she said that there will always he a part of her that will always love and care for me, but she thinks its, best if we move on, and that maybe some where down the road we could get back together? Aside from all that, she had been dealing with anxiety, lack of sleep, problems at the house, etc. Me and her (2 year relationship, and we are both teens and i have read your highschool article btw) have had some incredible times together, and i mean incredible, followed ny awesome times, good laughs, silly moments, great stuff. Although I made the mistake by (without knowing how she felt because she said yes too this, because she thought this was her only chance to be with me[prior to our relationship, she had a crush on me for 5 years])…by doing something she vowed to never do until marriage, and like I said, I had no idea she did not want too as she agreed (but her mind said no). So we engaged in ‘activity’ (this was only 3 months in) im not sure what got into me as I am a very respectable, very nice guy. She was basically my first for everything as I was for her.. So later in the months she thought about endind it, my mistake really hurt her, bad, and the amount of times i would hold her, tell her im sorry, to forgive me, and how i cant forgive myself, kind of made me change, we had minor ups and downs (at some points she had a small crush on a guy) until i poured my heart out, she told me thats what she needed to hear and hugged me (this was around 1 year into our relationship) ever since, I decided to show more affection, love, and attention to her and i managed to pull a whole other year of a pretty healthy relationship.. That is until new years day.. **take note that prior to even dating her, since she had a crush on me, some things ive done in the past bother her (probably to date) things i did included clubbing, relations and ‘activity’ (not serious/and kind of lame and a fail) but once we started dating all of that changed. And i kept changing because I wanted her to stay in my life and I wanted to show her that i’ve changed.** on new years day she saw that i was following (and being followed back) by a friend who ive once danced with at a school dance where ky ex witnessed the act, she ended up becomong upset, and because she deals with some mental illnesses, when she becomes upset, she tends to think of things that make her even more upset, which lead her to saying “we really need a break” so I agreed to it. A few weeks later she messages me that she missed me like crazy and we kinda made up and felt like a couple again, just not official, then recently (im talking like last wednesday (april 2nd 2014) she messaged me saying that we should take some time apart) and ever since i’ve been devastated (we went for lunch yesterday) and it was okay. She was having problems at home and needed to go for a walk and i asked if i can company her and she agreed to. But later that day (silly me, i broke down and told her what i lost in life, how much i missed her and loved her) and knowing that there will always be a piece of me in her heart, she told me its for the best to move on, that her main priority is that she is focusing on fixing her self and finally changing her self, while talking with friends and catching up, and saying that she doesnt want to be with me anymore, which completely killed all my emotions. So we said our farewells, (all through text) and now im here, april 10/2014 sharing this story with you. Starting now i have applied the no-contact step and by may 9th I will try and contact her back. I do like fitness, i played 3 years rugby in highschool until i had minor injury (broken finger) that made me stop and miss a whole season. I also like video games and what not to keep ke sane (i am no addict) so my question to you is, do think you that if i apply all these steps correctly, do you think that i could get her back? I read this entire article and i know EXACTLY what I need to work on which starts today. I would love some feedback please either on here and/or via my email: REMOVED I would really, really appreciate your opinion and feed back and value everything you will say. If i have more questions or things to say we could email back, this is a very serious situation and you would obviously know and in the end you actually got what you wanted, a success. So please email back, thanks a lot
A troubled friend,
– Christopher A
Hey Christopher,
I do think you have a chance. You already know what to do so all the best. If you have any more questions, you can reply to this comment and I’ll get back to you.
here’s another update, kevin.
so I tried the no contact thing for a few days but she was really pissed off that I was ignoring her and she said things like “i will never forgive you.” and “you are going to regret this. watch your back. I am going to make you regret this”. everytime I try no contact with her, she makes a big fuss. recently she told me that no matter what, i’ll always be her alexson. and she told me she loves me and she’s sorry that we didn’t work. but it’s possible to be just friends.
right now, she’s moving on and contacting other guys and even reject my outings for other guys. I’ve tried doing the same thing by contacting other girls but I always end up putting them away because i’m not interested in them. I only love one girl which is my ex but my ex seems to be having fun out there? she is always active on facebook and it kills me cause I know shes talking to other guys.
do you think I should just give up or? what do you think is going on with her? does she still love me? if she does, why should I even be competing with those other guys right?
Tell her that you can’t be friends right now and you need some space and time. Hopefully, you can be friends after a while. Tell her if she is your friend, she will understand this and will give you the space and time that you need.
so no chances of getting her back?
You have a pretty decent chance in my opinion.
Hi Kevin!
Thanks for your replay, Today morning my girlfriend calling me. I pickup the phone, We talk normal 5 mits, again evening 6 clock she calling i told i want to speak 5mits, but i want my old lovable talk,when you free tell me i will call you, i told like this.. She reply-ed after one month i am free you wait. I told no problem i am waiting for one month, After i feeling why she not understand me, again again i thinking , I cannot forget him, she always disturbed my mind. again night 9.30 she calling me, I am not pick the call, after one hours she send messaging me. like this ( Ok Sam you not pick up my phone call its k, and I giving lot of pain for your life I am really sorry for that. I know i give to u so many pain. Whatever I am not set for your life because you are good boy, So take care your health and your life, I Miss you so much bye Sam….God Bless You. She send that msg. Kevin, Can you please help us. Now i follow No Contact rule or I send letter to him. Please help me i want my girlfriend back…
Follow no contact Sam. You have a good chance of getting her back. Follow the guide.
Hi Kevin,
I am in Mumbai, my girlfriend in Chennai today i send one Teddy berry gift , i think this gift reach at Wednesday, I know after received the gift she confirm call us. Can you please advice. I will atten the call or not! because 2 days i am in No contact rule. can you please help us, how to i follow…
You are not in no contact if you are sending her gifts. I don’t think she will call you. Even if she does, don’t answer the call. If she keeps calling you, tell her you need space and time.
Hello there, I’d like to thank you for making this guide. I think it’ll definitely help me out a lot. My ex girlfriend and I were together for about 5 months (we were seeing each other for a while) but official for 3 months. Everything was great, we we’re madly in love with each other. I’d met her at work, but the thing was, she already had a boyfriend when we met. Who also worked at the same place we both did. She was with him for a year or so. We started hanging out and texting each other. We had chemistry. We didn’t tell anybody though because people at work would create drama and gossip. Somewhere along the line. I guess her other ex got suspicious about us. and they ended up breaking up. I’m not sure what main reason was for the break up, but I might have been one of the reasons. I never asked. We still kept hanging out and one day we went to Disneyland and I kissed her and were acting like we were together (making out, holding hands, fooling around, etc.) but we weren’t official yet. Soon after, she told me she didn’t really want a relationship because of her last one but didn’t want to just be friends with me. I told her we’d take baby steps, and she gave me the choice of deciding when we were both ready to partake in a relationship together. A couple weeks later, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. It was wonderful, and amazing. I loved every bit of it. Soon afterward, we started to fight a lot over some pretty stupid stuff. She’s a bit sensitive, so I always had to watch what I said and did. She never wanted to open up to me and would shut down. Her excuse was simply because she didn’t have to if she didn’t want to, but it was hard for her to open up. I made her cry a few times too. It was something I never wanted to do. It seemed like every time we fought it was about to lead to a break up and then because I was afraid of losing her. I would tear up too (I know not manly at all.) Till eventually she just got fed up. We’d always make up after, and try to avoid fights and make things work. A couple months later, we both lost our jobs because of some stupid drama at work, So we were pretty much spent everyday together, going out a few times, but really without no money and none of us were going to school (still aren’t at the moment) I stopped going to the gym and gained a little weight. She then told me her other ex was trying to contact her and still in love with her and wanted to get back with her. She was also still in love with him, and still hadn’t really gotten over him, but still loved me as well. She said that a part of her wanted to be with him again and didn’t want to get over him. She came to me one day begging and crying literally on her knees for me to break up with her, so she could get her life together and get closure from her ex. She said it wasn’t fair for her to be in love with two men. Also, she felt like she depended on me too much because she isn’t driving at the moment but is working on getting her permit. (fyi, I’m 22 and she’s about to be 21. Just so you don’t think we’re high school kids haha) Looking back, I understand. We both need to get our lives together and need our own space. I now have a new job which I’m eager to start and so does she. She created a list of things to do to get her life back on track. What I fear though, is that once she’s done with this list she’ll go back to him. We’re still in contact and recently hung out a few times. She told me she was still in love with me a few weeks ago, but also with him. I know she’s still texting him. and he’s just living it up (bastard.) I sorta feel like our relationship was a rebound relationship for her. Two days ago, I told her how much I miss her and want her back, and that things will be different this time. She said she misses me too but doesn’t know about us and is happy right now and wants to be herself. I respect that, so I’m just trying to take it slow and be her friend, but not trying to fall into the friend zone. I feel like I shouldn’t have any contact with her for a while though. What do you think?
Hey Alan,
I also feel like you were a rebound for her. I think you should keep in touch after a while of no contact. If she decides to go back to him, there is really nothing you can do to stop her. But if you play your cards right and don’t show any neediness, it might never come to that.
Hey Kevin,
Thank you for your advice. Yeah I sorta feel like it was a rebound, but I do know she truly loved me. I don’t know how she feels today, I mean those feelings don’t go away just like that, right? We even talked about marriage and kids. She had asked me once if I could see her in my future. I said I could. Tomorrow is our anniversary, we got together on December 16th, 2013. I was kind of thinking of bringing her favorite flowers, her favorite food (which is pho btw,) and a hand written letter and just leave it on her doorstep. The letter wouldn’t say anything about how much I long for her, but maybe that the break up was what we needed to get ourselves together, and I’m trying to be a peace. Just yesterday, I was in the area where she lives and I texted her asking if I could go over so we could talk, but she said she couldn’t see me but didn’t give me a reason why. I told her I felt like we were growing apart and letting her go was the hardest thing I had to do, but I did to make her happy and to get her life together. I said I was glad she was a part of my life. But I still want a friendship to hang out every now and then. I said it in a way though so I wouldn’t set myself up in the friendzone. She said it’s possible, but she just wants to be herself and have fun, so she’s happy. I replied saying, ok let’s try it then. That it doesn’t have to be awkward because we were together. That I wasn’t looking for a relationship either, but just her friendship (for now.) She just said, you know where to find me. That she just needs some space and she can get her life together on her own. She’s very prideful and at the same time timid. I replied, that I understand, and that she can trust me. Despite a few of the things that have happened before in our past. I guess this is where the no contact rule applies, right? I’ll definitely try it. I’ll try not to show neediness. Thank you in advance Kevin!
Hey,
I’ll skip the flowers and the letter for anniversary. It’ll make you look needy. Exes don’t have anniversaries.
Hey Kevin
So I didn’t do the flowers or letter. I haven’t contacted her for two days now. Just wondering though, with everything I’ve told you so far. And if I play my cards right and not act needy. What do you think my chances are?
I think you have a decent chance.
HI Kevin I am definitely going to try your article. Step by step however what if I have a baby with her how am I suppose to succeed the no contact rule? Also she has been on this dating site called Plenty of Fish and she met a guy on there. But I am going to try your article. I did act inappropriately after the break up but I think if i follow this step by step it will work out in the end. can you give me a response on everything i have just told you it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
Also she said that she would consider it. How can I increase the probability
Hey Phil,
Only contact her if it’s regarding the baby. You can only talk to her about things related to your child and nothing else. If she contacts you and if it’s not about the baby, then you tell her that you need some space and time for a while and you’ll appreciate it if she only contacts you regarding the child.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for your advice, I follow the no contact 3 days, this Sunday i am alone full day she coming to my mind i am totally disturbed, after i started drinking in that time i done mistake Kevin, I calling to my girlfriend, she not pickup my call after i send msg you always coming to mind i am totally disturbed understand my feelings. again i calling she pickup my phone call, after we talking, but now she talking normal, i am also talking just hi, how are you, are you had a lunch, i speak like this only kevin,
Sorry Kevin, i am not follow as per your advice, because without talk to my girlfriend i cannot do any work, that the reason i calling to my girlfriend , don’t mistake me kevin, and same time my girlfriend told to she friends, Sam not calling three days, I think he also not like to speak with-me its all end. she told like this.
Please advice me, what can i do, its very hard without talking . Please help us….
Hey Sam,
You need to learn to be happy in your life without her. You are addicted to her, and you should break that addiction before trying to get back together.
Kevin,
My girlfriend just dumped me last week. We were in a serious relationship for over a year and a half. During the last year of it we lived together up untill 3 weeks ago. I met her in my hometown, she had moved down here for a job, and ended up meeting me. Things were amazing the first year, I have never loved anyone in that way, and have never actually told anyone else that I loved them bc I didnt. About 8 months ago I noticed a change in her. She said she was unhappy being in this town, away from all her family and friends, and that she hated her jobs. We both had to work two jobs to make ends meet. She asked me to move to her hometown, and I resisted bc I didnt want to move away from my family, Im also in school so I didnt want to enroll elsewhere, and I had two pretty decent jobs. At this time she became extremely irritable an easy to make mad. She would get stressed from everything and would get mad at me over small things. She then cut me off from sex for about 3 months. She just said that she wasnt attracted to me, and that she didnt feel good in her own skin. We both picked up weight, but I gained more. There was things that she pointed out to me that she wanted me to change, but i resisted. Things like getting more serious about school( im a procrastinator), having a better work ethic with my jobs, and going and working out. I would do these things for a while, but then I would revert back to my old habits. This is where things get complicated, she asked me and asked me to go home wt her, 7hrs away from my home, and I finally said yes. Her mother got her a job working for the same company, and making very good money starting out. The plan was that she would move up two months early, and that I would move up in June. We went and met with all members of my family an told them about the move. I turned down a couple promotions at work, and I bought into moving up there 100%, was actually looking forward to it. She was really distant and didnt really have time to talk the first week she was there. I finally got mad, and said something to her about it, she then said she needed time to think about our relationship b/c she didnt miss me. After a week of me trying to be distant and give her space with minimal contact she called me last monday and broke up with me She said things like she didnt want to do this anymore, and that she still cared about me but didnt kno if she was still in love with me, and that her heart wasnt in it anymore. I was crushed, and said and promised anything I could to change her mind. She just said that she thinks its to late and that she wants to stay in touch, take things day by day, and see how things work out. She was very adamant about not wanting a title, and that she doesn’t want the pressure of the title to change her mind in one way or another. We texted some on Tuesday, she was supposed to call me that nite but didnt. I texted her how was ur day on Wensday and she didnt respond. Its now the following monday and I havent contacted her since that wensday and she still hasnt contacted me. I was ready to uproot my life and move home with her and then this happens. Im a absolute mess right now cant eat sleep dream about her etc… Is this her just getting used to her surroundings, being back with her family, she spends alot of time during the week with her mother 10+ hrs a day, and she can be very influential. Shes getting to see her friends more than she has in the past three years, and she has her new job to focus on. Is this just a knee jerk reaction or is this more, what do I do from this point on. Ive been trying no contact for a few days but its the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. Half of my stuff is up there as we packed the entire apt we were living in together 3 weeks ago up. I knew this adjustment would be hard but she promised we would be ok, and that everything would workout fine. We would visit each other every two weeks taking turns. Im desperate and would do anything including taking a bullet for this girl. What do I need to do. Thanks
Korey
You should follow the guide Korey.
She texted me today asking me about a bill that we had from our own place. The text was “Can you transfer me $85.31 for Atmos” That is all the text said. Should I contact her back or ignore it and continue no contact. What do I do in my situation? Should I reach out to her in fear of the distance killing any chance I have? She is the most important thing to me right now, I just need some guidance on this specific situation. Do I have a chance of getting her back?
Forgot to add that she something about meeting me halfway and her bringing the things we packed together, and me bringing the thing she left down here. When she says well keep in touch and see where things go and see how things workout, what does she mean by that, I dont know what to do whether to call or text her to keep in touch like she said. What do u think she means by what she is telling me. Thanks for any detailed help you can offer.
Don’t call or text her until no contact is over.
If you need to pay her, transfer the money. Don’t text her. And follow the guide. You do have a chance.
She called me yesterday and I answered, it was about the money. We talked for about 5 minutes and she said that she still doesnt miss me. I asked her if she would tell me exactly what her feelings and thoughts were about this, and I wouldnt argue or anything I was just goin to listen. She said she would call me after work, and that she had to hurry up and get off the phone bc her Mom had walked up. I kno this has something to do wt her mom. I answered the phone call bc I didnt want her to think that I was bailing on our bills. She never called me back last night. I can do no contact, but what if she reaches out to me about switching stuff? Should wait and do no contact after we switch or start now and ignore her requests to meet and switch things? Does this alter my chances of getting my girl back?
Whenever she calls just talk to her about the stuff related to switching. If she starts talking about anything else, tell her you need some space and time and you don’t think you should be talking about anything other than the switching stuff right now.
Kevin man I really need you help on the no contact about switching stuff or not. She called me last nite, I assume that it was bc she didnt call me Tuesday when she got off work. I didnt answer, hardest thing Ive ever done. Im really starting to freak out about this, I keep readin your guide, please brother help me out in this situation. Start and Keep no contact, ignoring the calls and texts about switching things, or keep in contact to switch things then start no contact. I think she may already be talkin to one of her ex boyfriends from home, please help me man.
Hey Korey,
I replied to your message here.
Ok so only talk about the switching stuff. So even with her saying she doesnt miss me or doesnt miss me yet, do I still have a chance of getting my girl back? The distance is really worrying me, I mean we did live together and saw each other everyday up untill March 22nd and we lived together for over a year. I was all she had down here she had no family and no friends and she needed me, up there in her hometown she doesnt need me. I have realized the mistakes that Ive made, and per the article I am taking the steps toward fixing them. Thank you so much for the help, one of the only things getting me thru right now.
Yes, you do have a chance. Exes say that because they think it’ll help you move on. Sometimes, they say that just because they are trying to convince themselves that they don’t love you anymore. All the best.
Why would she want me to move on? Why would she try to convince herself that she doesnt love me anymore, what purpose would that serve? Im just trying to understand and figure out what I need to do, btw I also purchase relationship rewind.
OK. Right now she has not moved on, but she is determined to move on. She thinks it’s the best thing to do because she has already broken up with you. Even if she has thoughts where she doubts her decision, she won’t acknowledge them because people don’t like to go back on their decisions. By telling you to move on, she is telling herself to move on as well. She is just trying to stick to her decision.
So what do I do then, I kno that I have to make her miss me, I understand that part, I just feel helpless because I am so far away from her. Im constantly searching my brain for the answer, the thing that will turn this around. What can I do to make her reverse her decision, start thinking about me in a positive sense, start missing me, and for her to want me back?
Hey Korey,
There isn’t a magic button that you can push that will make her miss you. Everything is written in the article. It’s a long process and a hard one. The best you can do is make a plan and follow it.
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Hey Kevin,
Thank you so much for the wonderful site.
My ex girlfriend and I are in our mid 40s, we work at the same company (but not together) and we were dating for 9 months. Unfortunately I had some recurring insecurity/jealousy issues that led to a few arguments in the last 2-3 months of our relationship and eventually she dumped me on the phone after one argument too many. She hasn’t spoken to me in over a month and when we see each other at work she acts like I don’t even exist, which is extremely hurtful.
I went NC for 32 days and then sent her a handwritten letter apologising for my needy behaviour in recent months and for some disrespectful comments that I made about her lifestyle and her friends. That was 5 days ago and I have received no response or acknowledgement so far. One of my colleagues was speaking to her yesterday and my ex said she had to end it because I was becoming impossible to live with and Mr Right is out there somewhere but it definitely isn’t me and she’s moving on. My colleague said I had been under a lot of pressure at work but my ex said she didn’t think it was work stress that was causing me to act the way I did – I have other issues that I need to resolve.
I have been working on myself since we split and have come to terms with the breakup. I would love an opportunity to let her know that I am overcoming my jealousy/trust issues and that I believe we could definitely make the relationship work in the future. I know she has a large circle of friends who are probably telling her she can do better and she should move on so that’s not really helping my cause. I also suspect she still has some feelings for me but is putting on an act to protect herself. She is quite an emotional person and has had bad relationships in the past where she’s been hurt quite badly.
Do you think I still have a chance and if so, what would you recommend I do next?
Thanks,
Graham
You do still have a chance. You should get back in touch using texts as explained in the guide. Don’t talk about getting back together and don’t talk about your issues. Let her realize it on your own that you’ve changed.
Thanks Kevin. In my handwritten letter to my ex I mentioned that I would be open to starting over in the future as I thought we were really great together. I did this because I thought it was a positive thing to say. Should I still get in touch using texts but not mention that again?
Thanks.
It’s not a good idea to talk about that in my opinion. But since you’ve already sent the letter, I guess it’s OK. Yes, you should still get back in touch with texts and not mention that again.
Hey Kevin,
So I tried getting back in touch with my ex a couple of weeks ago using one of the text messages in your guide after she didn’t respond to my handwritten letter and she sent one back saying “I would like you to stop contacting me. Obviously I got your letter and I accept your apology for your behaviour but I have moved on and I suggest you do the same. Thanks.”
I didn’t respond at all and have been in NC ever since. As I said she is quite an emotional person but I have no idea what to do next. Should I just give up or do you think there is still a way back from all of this? I find it quite incredible that someone can become so cold in such a short space of time!
Thanks.
Hey Graham,
From her message, it seems she is pretty set on moving on. If you want to try still, you should wait another month and send her one of those texts.
If she try to contact me VERY often should i block her for the no-contact perriod? Also she is in a relationship now with another guy.
Tell her you need space and time and that you’ll appreciate it if she leaves you alone for a while.
heya kev,
The problem in my relationship was money, i didnt have a job and its tough to get one in the UK these days, everything was going fine then i went out one morning to a friends house to play darts then all of a sudden she texted me saying she was fed up of our relationship saying it wasnt going forward because we lived at her dads house, and she also said i didnt make her feel sexy when i told her she was my sexy girl loads of times, i bent over backwards for her in the past 2 months because she broke her ankle and couldnt do anything,i offered to help her with the horse and made her a deal were id go up 5 days out of 7 but she never said she wanted me to go up so i didnt think she wanted me to, i cared for her that much she even said i opened her eyes to how much i cared for her and it really touched me, the flaws i have about my life is playing video games for long periods of time and not having a job and also drug use (canabis) which i havent smoked since the break up, she is having money problems to because she cant work and shes only getting statutory sick pay at the moment coz she has a broken ankle and she owns a horse, she was going to get rid of it because she couldnt afford to pay for it but i told her not to because i knew how happy it made her, i picked up my stuff from her house the other day and gave her hers and the stuff she gave to me for myself ie (birthday presents and a cushion she made) have i made a bad decision doin that or was it for the best, i dont know if im wasting my time trying to get her back because its not the first time shes done this to me, the first time we didnt see each other for about a month and the second time we didnt see each other for just over a week, nice article BTW im going to start following it and see what i achieve from it.
thanks
K
Hey,
I don’t think you are wasting your time and I think you have a pretty good chance of getting her back if you get your life on track.
Hey Kevin,
What do you do when she answers your text initially then the following text, she doesn’t reply back?
You shouldn’t reply either and wait at least 3-4 days before contacting her again.
Hey Kevin. Looking for a little advice. My girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We’ve been having a little trouble for the past few months. We’d kinda break up then get back together. When I say “kinda” break up, it means she would over react to something, return the key to my house and tell me it’s over…until I convinced her to talk about it. After we talked I would get a text “I’m glad we talked about it”. About a year ago, she agreed to move in with me and moved all her stuff in. After spending one night, she decided she she couldn’t do it and she didn’t know why. So she called the moving company back to move her stuff back to her parents (she has lived at home all her life 28 yrs). This really upset me because she really didn’t try. It took me a little while to get past this but I did. She assured me at the time it had nothing to do with me, but couldn’t figure out why she didn’t want to move it. Fast forward about a year (3 weeks ago) and she tells me because when she thinks about moving in with me, it freaks her out and because it does “maybe I’m not the one”. She currently is starting a new career where she has to work in shifts (12 hr shifts) and also says she doesn’t want to be in a relationship where only sees me once or twice a week and would be better if we lived together. But again that freaks her out and she doesn’t know why. This break up happened after her first week of shift work, coming from a normal M-F schedule.
I will add to this we took a break from each other for 2 weeks about 2 months ago because she was very stressed during the hiring process of this new job and that she was also wondering about our relationship. After this break (where she texted she missed me half way throught then towards the end of the 2 weeks texted me saying made up her mind to not get bach together…until I got her talk to me…and again “I’m glad we talked”). She suffers from some serious anxiety sometimes and I think it that causes her to push things away instead of dealing with them. I will also add that my house is a real fixer-upper and is taking me a pretty long time to finish. She has OCD and is a bit of a clean freak, sooooo….do the math. I will admit, I have drug my feet on this but since our break, I really have picked up the pace. Also since our break, I thought everything was going great. She said she wanted to marry me (we were ring shopping), said that me and her and the dog are a family, and that her new schedule would work out fine (I was worried from the start)…all this was said in 1-2 weeks prior to the break up.
Now I am not to blame here. I became too dependent upon her for my own personal happiness. As they say “never put your keys to happiness in someone else’s pocket”. Well I did, and I think she felt that pressure. I became too complacent with just being happy because I was with her…forgetting about myself. Basically, becoming less of a man and definitely not the one she fell in love with. I was too preoccupied with making her happy. All this combined with some lack of communication and my house was a mess may have caused her to lose her attraction for me.
The last thing I asked her was if I’d ever see her again and she replied “I hope so”. A little confusing to me. Anyway, after 2 1/2 weeks on no contact following the break up I called her and left a message asking if she would like to meet for a drink, no expectations, hope things are well, yada yada yada. I haven’t heard from her in the two days since I left the message. I have decided to not contact her again and possibly reaching out again maybe with a letter like you suggest in about another month. Her birthday falls around the same time as that and I am wondering if I should send her a birthday card instead of a letter.
I appreciate any advice or insight into my situation. Thanks.
Hey,
I think the breakup has less to do with you and more to do with her anxiety and OCD issues. I think you can fix your house up and make everything perfect for her, but it still won’t fix her issues and she probably won’t be ready to move in with you. Is she getting help for her issues? If not, I don’t think she will be able to get past the “Moving in with you” issue. In fact, I don’t think it has anything to do with you or your house. I think it’s more related to her leaving the comfort of her parents home that she has been living in for 28 years.
Thanks for the quick reply. I didn’t mention this was a 3 yr relationship.
Man, your last sentence hit it right on the head and something I always worried about. I had mentioned a few times about her talking to someone. She actually brought it up a long time ago. I think she recognizes she has an issue as she has confessed to being a “basket case” to me. I think she may be afraid of the stigma attached to it. During our break, I actually went to talk to a psychologist. Partly to get another perspective and partly to prove to her that it’s ok to seek help.
I do really love this girl and we do have a special connection but I know I can’t fix her. I want to help her but saying that she would benefit from counseling at this time would just look like bitterness on my part.
Again, I am seeking all the insight I can get. I have started to improve on myself and definitely learned from my mistakes. And who knows, maybe in another month I may not want her back. Right now, that just isn’t the case. She is very special to me and I want her to be happy with or without me.
My question is (thought I know I am the only one that can truly answer this)…in your obviously knowledgable opinion, should I wait for her or am I setting myself up for disappointment? And what are you thoughts regarding a birthday card instead of letter? Thanks again Kevin.
Hey jt,
I think unless she deals with her issues, you have very little chance of getting back with her and having a long healthy relationship with her. I think if you send the letter along with the birthday card, it’ll be OK. Provided the birthday card doesn’t scream that you are still in love with her.
Thanks. A little update…last night I was out with friends for the first time since the break up. After talking to my buddy’s wife, I found out that her parents (her Mom in particular) don’t want her to move in with me. Her Mom and her are extremely close and I think my ex would feel as though she would be abandoning her Mom (she mentioned this kind of this before to me and to my buddy’s wife) and her Mom really doesn’t want her to leave. I almost feel she wants to be with me but feels as though she can’t be. Thoughts? Also, what do you make of her saying that she hopes to see me again?
This just confirms what I said before. Parents usually play a huge role in development of unhealthy behavior and in her case, it seems it was her mother.
I guess what you said about her wanting to be with you seems right. Again, you will be wasting your time and energy pursuing her unless she realizes she has issues and decides to get help.
Me and my ex had been together for about 2 years, shes 2 years older than me. We had always had a rocky relationship, but we loved each other and she always said she was serious about us.
In the first 3 months of our relationship I kissed another girl, I wasn’t in love with her at this point but I think she was however she hadn’t told me. I thought I was forgiven and all was forgotten until about 3 months later when she ended it when we had an argument. I was very upset but understood why. However, she started coming into my room (we lived together along with 2 others from the start), and chatting to me about it, and it usually ended up with me just telling her how sorry I am and how much I love her, I thought it stood no chance, but then about a week into our break up she took me back.
Over the summer was great mainly with only a few arguments and we had an amazing time leading up to the next year of university. Again we are living together but this time with just 1 other. Around the end of October I had to tell that I had a compulsory field trip with the girl I kissed last year to Tenerife (she does the same course as me). She wasn’t happy and asked me not to talk or acknowledge her, but unfortunately for me I was allocated the same group as her so kind of had too.
The months coming up to this trip, I didn’t see much of my girlfriend and she would hardly sleep with me with it only happening if I asked or practically begged her, this crushed my ego and confidence. It felt like we were drifting apart and I didn’t really know where I stood.
Things were okay through Christmas and new year, although she was clearly worried. I did my best to reassure her and that I’d learnt my lesson last year.
On the final night of the fieldtrip, I kissed this same girl again, a very short, more peck than a kiss, but it doesn’t change how my gf saw it. When I got home, I told her I had spoken to her and she was angry but was ready to forgive me. However, 3 days later she found out what had happened and lost it and ended the relationship and went to stay with her mum for a few days. It only gets worse, this girl then texted me when my ex gf was sat next to me in the car when we were talking about things, we hadn’t been texting like you might think, she was in my group and I needed to know something for the assignment.
My ex asked who it was, and I lied to her and said it was someone else, so she took the number down and was ringing for a few days to see. She then got her friend to ring and the girl I kissed answered and my ex knew who it was straight away. Before this, she said we could work on things, and that she might be able to forgive me, but I knew I’d just done too much this time.
Now, we are still apart, but on good terms as we still live together. However, she is going to new york for 6 months in july and im going to new Zealand for 3. She says im welcome to come and stay with her for a week or so, and she still wants cuddles and kisses but doesn’t want me to get to close, she doesn’t mind ‘playing’ but she wont sleep with me and I understand that. Shes also said shes not bothered that we’ve split up and wants to be fully single in new york, a tough pill for me to swallow, but I have to accept that. She says she doesn’t know what she wants, and that she still might not when she gets back. She also says she doesn’t want to try and get back as that’s my job to make her want me back.
How good of a chance to I have? I love this girl so much, I might not have shown it and she’d be an idiot to take me back I know that. But I know what I have done and want to show her how serious I am about us, I just hope it isn’t too late. It’s just the uncertainty of it all, 6 months is a hell of a long time and the fact that she doesn’t know what she’ll want perhaps by then is just killing me.
Harry,
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do until these 6 months are over. She has already made it clear she wants to be single and there will always be a chance she will meet someone else during that 6 months. I think the best thing for you to do is to tell her that you think it’s best if you both keep minimum contact during those 6 months as she has already made it clear she wants to be single during that time. Tell her you will be hoping to get back in touch when she returns.
yeah, but she has invited me to new york to see her, whether thats once or twice she doesn’t mind, she also WANTS to chat every now and then when we can. i just dont know where i stand with her.
thanks for replying.
Hey Kevin, just a bit confused
My ex and I dated back in November, I followed your no contact for 2 months, but kept in close touch with her best friend. She broke up with me because she was stressed with the combination of school, and one of her friends had recently tried to commit suicide (all under control now, she’s the one I got close to, we helped each other). I was getting info that she was not over me, but I continued to keep my distance. I then told her we should talk in February, so we did. We smoothed things over, and I just didn’t want to seem desperate and come on to her on the first day we had talked in person, but she was hinting at the fact that something was still there. Then I got blindsided, and she started dating another guy in 3 days. This new guy is almost identical to her ex (whom she dated for 6 months during last school year) and they are actually best friends… It has been going ever since. I am now getting information that she is not happy with this guy, he is boring, etc, and I was wondering what to do? We didn’t last very long, but I thought that maybe this new guy could be her rebound from the original guy! I am nothing like these two guys, and I just want to know what to do now. She’s the sort of girl who everyone likes because of her personality, she doesn’t need looks. I felt like she was a good fit for me, and deserved more attention than these other guys- who are both emotionally distant people. Thanks for the guide, I really appreciate it and any other advice you give,
John
You should get back in touch with her keep in touch with her until she breaks up with the other guy. Of course, you shouldn’t encourage her to break up with him. Let it be her idea.
Hi Kevin…my gf wants the break up and i already said i dont want it prior to reading this article. I’m willing to follow this guide its just that I dont know whats the best thing to say about agreeing with the break-up. Thanks
Use the sample letter.
I was with my girl for over a year. We both became somewhat complacent in the relationship which led to its end. She decided to end it but also said that it wasn’t everything in our relationship that led to this. Saying other things like she just needs to be on her own. A few times after the break up I contacted her just basically saying how I felt and what not. I don’t think I sounded too needy. Anyways after those few times I did not contact her for over a month, nor did she try and contact me. I decided to send he a message over Facebook after no contact just saying how I think the break up was for the best and that hopefully we can start over down the road even if that means just being friends. I sent the message yesterday and she read it but has yet to respond.. Should I still try contacting through text messages? I feel like giving up might be the only option
If you want to pursue her more, you should text her after a week. But if you are ready to move on, you should apply no contact indefinitely.
A couple days after the message, I sent her a text to congratulate her on graduating college.. She said thanks and that she is going to respond to my message but has just been so busy and that she wanted to put some thought into it. Well it’s been over a week and she still hasn’t responded. I haven’t texted her or anything at all since then and I feel like if I keep texting her it might just push her away more. Some input would be greatly appreciated.
I think you should wait another week or two and then send her another text. This time, use one of the templates from the article and keep the conversation light.
So you said the first letter should be short. I’ve written it and it’s not too too long but it’s not really short either. It’s about 3/4 page on microsoft word and 500 words. Is that too long?
Nevermind, I think I figured it out.
I realized there’s a lot I WANT to tell her, but not so much that I SHOULD tell her.
Hi Kevin,
My girlfriend just broke up with me 2 weeks ago..i was in devastated condition i couldn’t eat and sleep properly,it was the worst feeling ever..we were together for almost 2 years..The reason why she broke up with me is because I’m a possessive boyfriend,i get jealous easily..that is because i love her too much..Sometimes whenever she didn’t type : “i love u” in her message to me before sleep,i will starting to think what happened..all sort of questions will running through my mind,I will scare that she don’t love me anymore..I’m also easily get jealous that always easily lead us to a fight..Last 2 week we fight because of something regarding of something on facebook and also consider a misunderstanding,i scolded her something quite rude and she broke up with me impulsively..the day of break up she said i love her too much and i get jealous easily and she is tired of my attitude..I’m very sad and can’t accept this broke up because she broke up with me because of this small issue and too suddenly..We were still totally ok hanging out as usual during the day before break up..Besides than my jealousy there’s no other problem between us..we are very sweet and always spend time together hang out shopping,jogging and so on..we went for a few trips together too..She knows that I’m a good bf that always treat her the best but after i scolded her on that day,she said that her point of view of me dropped..do i still got chance of having her back?I’m using the no contact rule now..we have not been contacting each other for 2 week since the break up but by the end of this month i know that she will find me because she still owe me money,she said she will pay me back..what should i do now?please help me 🙁
After she gives you the money back, apply no contact for another two weeks and send her the letter.
Thanks for the reply Kevin..So far everything seems to be ok now,we still hang out and keep in touch..BUT she said we are friend only..any advise to escape the friendzone?
Start flirting and make eventually make a move.
Should i play hard to get?
You have to find a balance between playing hard to get and showing her that you are interested.
HI Kev. Last Sunday she send me a message on facebook to wish me happy easter. I did the same and she send me a smile. I didn’t replied to her though, cause I was out.
This week she was coming to talk to me everyday. And I decided to begin contact with her. She even told me that she is going to record some music albums for me and asked me for some party invites. I Told her to meet me on thursday.
On Thursday we met but she told me that she can’t stay long because she was going jogging with her Gay friend. When She arrived she came to kiss me on the cheeks and I backed off just to tease her. Before she left I told her to meet up sometime for a drink and she told me ok.
Tonight I Send her a message to thank her about the albums that she gave me. And told her that I was going to have a drink in our friends bar and asked her to come with us. She told me that she will send me later on.
An Hour later she send me and told me that she is going somewhere else with her gay (male) friend. She told me if you want to come there text me. I told her no problem but I’m going to my friends bar today and maybe for next time, and if I make up my mind I come to the place you’r going. I thanked her but she didn’t replied.
Should I cut off contact again? And would like to know if there’s any chance. If Not I move on and I don’t text her again even if she does.
Thanks. Looking forward for your reply.
I think the signs are good. If you think she was cold in the last conversation you had, then back off. Otherwise, continue contact and meeting up.
HI Kev,
Thanks for Your Reply. A Day after I send you the message (25th April) I was going to perform (Djing) in a local club. She was going to another party nearby. She send me a message around 2.00 in the morning and told me that the party is very good where she went (It’s like saying come here with me). I didn’t Replied though. An hour later she came where I was. I went to talk to her, bought her a drink and went in a private area and start kissing each other. We didn’t had sex though.
After that day we kept a bit in contact but she was not really herself. Maybe she was trying to understand what she wants.
Anyway. On 1st of May there was a small local festival. She told me she was going somewhere else first and about an hour later she send me a message that she was coming where I was playing cause she got bored at the other place. I send her That I’ll be there soon. When I arrived I didn’t sent her any message. But we met in the crowd and when she saw me she gave me that look (Like U re really dressed well :). I went continue talking to other people and around 1 hr later she came where I was. I touched her with my foot on her ass and continue chatting with other friends. After some time she went somewhere else and she and her friend was talking to a guy. After some time we saw each other again and told her and her friend to come with us. We went for a drink together and start kissing again and spend a whole night having fun, kissing, hugging etc together. It was really fun and I was getting back a lot of positive emotions for her.
The Day after I send her a message but she was a bit cold. She told me she had a hangover and her period. And she was in a bad mood. On Saturday I send her again and she was a bit cold again. And yesterday she didn’t send me any messages. I send her in the evening while she was at work. I asked her how she is and told me that she’s very down because of a Male friend of hers (Which I was suspecting that she was going out with him before). She was down because he treated her bad. When she was telling about this problem I told her that I can’t have this conversation with you about this. She told me that there was nothing between her and him. I listened to her and gave her my opinions. And She got better. She thanked me a lot and even told me I’m sorry for getting with the wrong people lately. I told her That you don’t need to be sorry for. You’ll learn from them as I did. She even told me to listen to a Song for her (London Grammar – Strong). After we chatted about past things that we used to do (Positive things) and supposedly we are going for some jogging this week. She even send me a post to thank me on my wall. I think she’s into me now 🙂
Would like your opinions on these please.
Thanks and looking forward for your reply.
I think everything is going pretty well. You are doing great and you should continue doing what you’ve been doing. Try to take things further and sleep with her. Let it be her idea to want to get back together.
Hi Kev.
Last Week When She were at the party, she told me to go jogging together sometime. Last weekend I asked her to go this week. Yesterday we went jogging by the beach. We had a really great time. Once we were having a chat and she told me she knew everything what happened around us. And I Told her I knew aswell 🙂 She got shocked at that moment. She even asked me later if I slept with a girl which happened to offered me a drink when we were together at the party last week. She was becoming jealous.
Anyways. After doing some jogging and kissed each other and holded hands to each other and joked around etc, We went for a coffee. And Stayed at my car by the see. At first she didn’t wanted to have sex with me. I asked her if she missed me, and she was playing it cool, She even told me at first that she don’t a relationship, and I told her the same, Until she broke of and told me that she has feelings for me, but she was scared and insecure of her self because of her past relationships.
To Cut things short, we chatted for a bit about our feelings and for a possible relationship, and had a good foreplay afterwords, since she was on her period. She had two orgasms 🙂
The Problem is that now sometimes I have some mixed feelings about her. I don’t know if I should begin a relationship with her again or not. I’m not trying to rush things out for sure. And I don’t know if I get a little bit jealous or not if I see her with another guy. She seems Interested to continue dating.
Would like your advice on this one. And thanks for everything Kev. You Rock 🙂
Hey,
What you are experiencing right now is quite common. You just felt rejected after the breakup and now that you can have her back, you are second guessing your decision. I’ll recommend you don’t make any commitments unless you are absolutely sure that you want her back in your life. If in doubt, tell her you need space and time and back off for a while.
My girlfriend and I were together for 2 years. She was head over heels for me and used to have the biggest smile on when she saw me. When we started going out I had ED but she stayed with me through all the tough times. As the relationship went on I got too complacent and didnt spend as much time with her. I got caught up in all my self absobed intrests and keep switching activities all the time. I would play basketball one day, learn chinese another day and want to change the world the next day. All my highly motivated goals were short lived and I didnt see any of them through to the end. This was probably me running from my problem. I found out that my ED was caused by years of porn which desensitized my penis and made my brain less responsive to real life girls. It is a newly discovered cause of ED and has been backed by a lot of science. I was excited because now that I know the cause of the ED, I can fix it. I told her the cause but after being by my side all this time, she hit her breaking point and broke up with me. I dont blame her. I am currently rrecoverng and healing with my psychiatrist. I am almost recovered and having been making serious changes to become the man I always wanted to be and am now willing to put the commitment in a relationship to make her feel special. How can I get her back?. I have been on no contact for a month and she texted me after exactly a month just to see how I was doing. I kept the conversation short and have taken necessary steps to increase my appeal and confidence. I will be seeing her in 3 weeks for a mutual friends graduation. Any advice on how I should go about getting her back?
I think you should get back in contact with her if you feel confident enough. If you think you need more time, you can continue no contact for another 3 weeks till the graduation. I think you have a pretty good chance if you solve all your issues and follow the guide.
Hey Kevin I didnt see your reply? thanks
Hey Korey,
It’s here.
Me and my girlfriend broke up after 5years of relationship. She lost interest in me because according to her I am immature. She told me that she likes someone else but she is having mixed feelings about him. She told me she doesn’t love me anymore. She wants me to be her friend. I asked her to come back,begged and cried and all other stuff. She said she needs space and may be after sometime she will think about us or may be not. We still talk everyday. What should I do to get her back in my life. I know I may be sounding needy but what to do ?
Follow the guide Gourav.
Hello Kevin,
Thanks for the article it has help me out a lot to this point. My girlfriend broke up with me about 3 months ago and I took it pretty hard. I did the no contact with her for the second month as I stayed in contact for the first month and made the common mistakes. We have hung out about 4 times since the no contact over the last 3 weeks, but only in groups, never alone as she is always hesitant or not interested. She also has worked for me for the last 4 years, so I see her quite often at work recently. I am supposed to take her to a fundraiser (dinner and drinks) in two days. She tried to back out, but I nicely convinced her to keep the plans and as of now it’s still a go. Also, we are supposed to go on a road trip outta town to a sporting event with a couple of friends. Everything is a go now, but when I mentioned the friends backing out and I asked her to go alone, she wasn’t interested. I told her it was ok if she didn’t want to do things alone with me right now, but that I didn’t see the problem with it. She replied with “I’m just not really sure what’s even going on here. Like you went from absolutely hating me after our very non mutual breakup and now I think we both are very happy being friends as we were before. But I’m very sure that I am totally content being friends and that’s the extent of it for me, I need to be sure that that’s how you feel too ya know” I know she has hung out with a few guys or the last months, but I am pretty sure she has nothing serious going on. Her comment was pretty cut and dry that she is not interested right now and has me thinking about giving up hope of reconciling. I’m not sure if I should give up as I still really want her back even if it is a very small chance. What do you recommend and do you still think there is hope? What would you do to keep on the track of getting her back? I’m not sure how much longer I can take this emotionally, especially if I have to see her with other guys. Thank you very much for any help you can give me.
There might still be hope. I think you’ll be able to get a better idea of where she is at when you go out with her. Tell her you are OK with being friends and continue the friendship. Slowly start flirting and building attraction. Just remember to be subtle.
Dear Kevin,
I was in a two and a half year relationship with the most wonderful woman in the world. Towards the end, I began to grow neglecting in my time with her and I became mean due to the stress caused by school and my mother dying from cancer. In a way, I took it out on her without even realizing it. The last two weeks we were together, she was seeing another man. She is still seeing that man. I have been a mess and was so angry that I said a lot of things I regret. But now we are on good terms. I apologized for what I had said and now I realize that she just wanted to feel wanted and all I did was make her unhappy so she sought happiness and this man offered it. This article helped me a lot and I was curious, with everything I told you, do you think we have good chances of being together again? We really were madly in love for a long time. Thank you for your time.
-Charles
Yes, you do have a chance. Her relationship is probably a rebound.
Hey Kevin, I know you’re a busy guy… but I would really like some help. I’ve sent a message already, and it seems like you pass mine? Would really appreciate it if you could respond to it. Thanks again, a million times.
Oh, never mind. Looks like you replied to my first comment (http://unbreakinghearts.com/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back-even-if-she-has-another-boyfriend/#comment-2840).
Thanks!
I really do appreciate it. I must ask, why do you do this? What’s in it for you?
Hey Phillip,
Well, apart from the satisfaction that comes with helping people. I also make a little bit of money from the website. If someone buys a product I recommend, I make some money.
Kevin… She came back. I didn’t even do anything. She just missed me.
After not responding to her texts (from the previous comment), she text me again saying “that was a long run.” Shortly after, she said she just missed me. And that she wanted to see me. Then and there. At first I was saying no, that we will meet up for coffee later, but she kept telling me how she has missed me and she loves me.
So… She came over and I ignored everything in the guide. I was open and honest with her and just kinda layer a bomb of emotions on her. I could feel her pulling back, but we talked until nearly 8 am. I comforted her and supported her and I was a strong and attractive man (so I didn’t totally ignore the guide).
We slept for 3 hours, and in the morning, I could tell she was nervous about all of this. She even confessed to being scared. Without her asking, I suggested she take some more space, and to come back to me when she feels totally comfortable. I think she respected me more for that. I know it will be easy this time, because I have seen the power of No Contact and now believe in it, as well as the fact that she couldn’t stop saying she loves me and is excited to work on herself and for the adventures that lay ahead for us.
I can happily say that I do not need your advice anymore, Kevin. This was simply a success story. And I want to thank you. A million times. Feel free to use this as a testimonial. I couldn’t be happier.
Thanks,
-Ryan Phillip Garcia
Hey Phillip,
That’s amazing. I am glad things worked out for you. I wish you a long and fruitful relationship.
Hey Kevin first off your guide is really helpful and it was a great read.
I recently just went through a recent break up with a girl I had dated for 18 months, before we dated we were pretty good friends and then I decided to take a leap of faith and pursue her and before this she never really dated anyone and didn’t plan on it.
But! I won her over and for a while things were great, then I moved off to university after over a year of dating, the university was about 4 hours away from our area and she was stuck in high school while I had to leave for 8 months and only could get home about once every month depending on what month it was sometimes more then once. At this time we went through a lot of rough stuff (as it is normal for a long distance relationship) and on the new year of 2014 she told me we needed to take a break after a little altercation between us the night of new years of me getting jealous of a guy she was talking to while drinking was involved. We both are some what the same person we both have quick tempers, and get jealous really easily.
So on this break I had to go back to my university for second semester and we were on a break for about a month and she noticed how much fun I was having with my friends and began to remember how much she needed me and the jealously kicked in when I just took a picture with a girl that was posted on Facebook. So we eventually got back together right around valentines day and I thought there everything was going to be good because we had a great day together, and we both are not hopeless romantics were the exact opposite of that.
She was up in the area for a weekend where my university was for provincial soccer training and it was close to the university, and said she’d stay the night with me.. This was the last night of partying on the residence and the last week all my friends would be there. Meanwhile we laid in bed at 9pm she was tired and wanted to sleep and the only thing I could hear was my friends going crazy having the time of their lives, she showed me no intimacy and just wanted to go to bed. My quick temper got the better of me because I got up and left to hang out with friends telling her I was really frustrated, feeling like an old married couple because when she came to my tiny little dorm room the beds were small so I would sleep on the floor and didn’t get any love
The next day we had to have a talk about what was going on… After this talk turned into a fight what she got out of it was that “it was her duty, to have sex with me.” Which is not the case at all! Without intimacy it is not a relationship it is a friendship. So after then we settled things down for a few weeks and I finally got to come home for a four month summer break and it was the same go ahead go to bed at 9pm and leave me to be alone sitting on the couch as I could not fall asleep at 9pm and she doesn’t sleep comfortably with another person in bed, and would only cuddle me and give me pecks on the lips… After dating for 18 months! So she came to my house for the night and I got super frustrated by this go ahead again, and she would even tell me “sorry not for being fun” the next day after we had this huge fight I had called her things I would like to take back and she had some harsh words also and decided to break it off with me saying she would never take me back ever.
When I got home from university the reasons why she wasn’t intimate because she just felt grossed out and thinking that sex is the only thing guys think about and felt like it was her duty too, but sex isn’t like that… It builds the relationship and you want to do those things because you love this person and are attracted to them deeply. I know I also am in the wrong for getting frustrated and impatient which Im working on as a person on this break up.
It is day 6, I have had no contact with her so far, and don’t plan on it until day 30. We did have a lot of good times together, we just hit a rough patch on my first year of university, and I want to get her back.. I know it is going to take a lot of time but it is worth the wait if she’s willing to forgive me. She told me when we broke up “I just got good at apologizing, not meaning it. Once again we are both not hopeless romantics in anyway, my idea was after waiting 30 days and maybe still having the strong love towards her was to round up all the soccer balls possible and spell out “Im sorry” with them and just tell her how I feel about her (she’s a really good soccer player and going to play soccer at a university level), but not coming on too strong while apologizing and maybe she’ll take me back because just coming to her door, text message, letter apologizing won’t cut it this time.
Her closest friends talk to me and explain she just needs time to stand on her own two feet because she was so dependent of this relationship and she was a really independent person before not showing any emotion to anyone, just being really tough on the outside. Her friends also say she will not go out and date anyone or look for anyone for a long time either so that gives me the tiniest bit of hope she might remember how happy I can make her, rather then just being upset at each other and fighting every couple days. There is one guy I really don’t trust, and I will bite my tongue and clench my fists from going after this guy, but being with her I have changed as a person for the better… not for the worst.
I am going to change bad traits about myself to better myself, not towards her, but everyone in my life and then maybe I can have a healthy intimate relationship with the girl i love and start all over again from the starting blocks of dating her. One thing I really have to understand is that she is always getting up early for sports or high school, so I have to accept that she needs to go to bed early to get up early and get a good sleep, and I let my frustration get in the way of remembering that. Its better to keep the person you love happy, then arguing with them over something pointless and meaningless. I was her first in everything but kissing so hopefully that connection still grips to her as stubborn as she is maybe she will forgive me and talk to me? She puts up this wall around her heart because she’s so scared to let people in and finally got in for a while, then after this fighting she just completely closed it again and hides all her feelings, and insecurities behind this wall.
The greatest thing about this girl, is she is completely different from any girl I have met and the same person as me, some say its bad that if you date someone the same as you. Yes we clash in some ways but also balance each other in different ways. Its really cheesy but were not just girlfriend and boyfriend through our relationship we became best friends it wasn’t always serious lovely stuff, we always could joke around hang out with everyone and not make them feel like they were third wheeling or whatever.
We first started hanging out she was scared to even cuddle because she thought it was the weirdest and stupidest thing, I changed her mind about that, and she opened up to me… It gives me hope that she isn’t gonna throw it all away over a couple bad fights along the way. I know were both young and have our whole lives ahead of us, but my parents have been dating since high school so anything is possible.
I’d love to hear what you can give me for advice, because I need some guidance and I don’t like opening up to people who are close to me so this way I have no relation with you, and I blame myself for everything that happens to me. Is there any better way to approach this situation? Or anything I should change, or say something. You seem to be quite the expert on relationship break ups, no offence intended.
Thanks.
Hey Leon,
I take it as a compliment. 🙂
From what I read, you have a pretty good chance of getting her back if you follow the guide. Although, bear in mind that she is young and she might still be unstable, emotional and confused after no contact. You will have to be confident and not show any signs of neediness when you get back in touch.
Me and my girl have broken up nearly a month ago because “she was still unsure about our future”. So, I broke up with her saying I don’t think I can be with her. Regretted it the next day, asked to talk to her for 10 minutes about something, she agreed, went to her house, ended up hanging out for 2 hours neglecting why I wanted to come over, finally talked about it and she said no. Hung out with her 2 weeks after that, told her how I want my best friend back, that I didn’t need her in my life but wanted her in it. She has no friends (literally, not trying to be mean) and depression and anxiety. I love this girl to death. We talked when we hung out but she said she doesn’t see us getting back together because she doesn’t think she will always be happy with me. When I thought about the whole relationship, I could see some issues with me.
I got upset a lot and made is visible. I questioned her love for me and always asked her if she saw a future with us. I did this because when she got off her depression meds, I could see her happiness going away. She said she loved hanging out with me and having me around but was sad with everything else in her life,, I could have been more supportive but yes, I know, she shouldve been improving herself.. I gave her an ultimatum, big mistake. We have been talking off and on since the break up. We’ve gone periods of no more than a week until one of us contacted that other. We plan to hang out this weekend and I don’t plan to be all desperate and all that, just feel like walking and talking and getting some ice cream. I need ways to better myself though, I need to be more manly, more confident, show her we can be happy together and I am willing to work things out if she will. After this hangout, should I go into no contact mode for a awile? How to I approach my current situation to get her to miss me?
You should go no contact for a while. However, considering the issues she has, your chances of getting back together depends more on how she deals with her issues and less on how you deal with your issues.
Yea, I get that. Do you have any tips on how to keep my mind off her and all this? Im finding it really hard since I can say she is my first love. I will go no contact but what if she texts me? Ignore it? I already told her Ill be there for her cause I know she will need someone. Should I be that someone or ignore things for awile? Also, her birthday is coming up (5/11) should I send her a little birthday text or go hard mode no contact for a wile? Also, I do want to improve myself, like I stated before.. More confident, manly and what not.. Im still very new to these feelings of love and this new sadness and really want to focus on myself but im not sure where to start. Whether it be working out or… well I don’t know haha. Any tips man, they would be gratefully appreciated.
Hey,
Read this article. If she texts you, tell her you need some space and time to deal with the breakup.
Hi Kevin,
Yesterday i call to my girlfriend, she told to me i am in out side. after i cut the call, Kevin i know yesterday she went outside with new boy friend.. After she calling at night and told i went temple with my new boyfriend.. I told now i am in outside. i call you later i cut the call.
Can you please advice me. how to talk with my girl friend now this time, normal are feelings.
hello.. I have a problem my girlfriend broke up with me because I was insecure and sometimes I used to shout out at her and many times she told me that she doesn’t like what am doing to her then sometime I called her and she was busy laughing with someone and I got angry and shouted at her after the call she sent a massage telling me that she cant take it anymore, I asked for apology she didn’t accept it , until we meet after three days , then I told her that I was sorry I love her , she told me that its over we cant in a relationship again, tried to ask her friends to tell her that I was sorry and I want her back she still cant be in a relationship with me, after some few days we talked and now she is telling that I should move on since she already moved on. do u think I can get her back since she got a new boyfriend? she just moved on quickly
You can get her back. You should follow the plan.
Hello Kevin,
I wrote to you a couple of days back too, but you apparently didn’t approved the comment.
Let me tell this is important for me. Please take the time to respond to this.
I had a 3 year long relationship with a girl whom I though was different from most in our generation. I thought I have found a girl who is there to stay, whose love is true, and that she is the best I can get.
I could not anticipate it, but the end was evident in the last couple of months. On the 15th March, she told me that she no longer wants to be with me. She gave a lot of nonsense reasons. On 20th March, she proposed to another guy who is her classmate and told him that she loves him since 2nd semester (We are into the 6th semester of our graduation). We are in the same college but in different streams.
Till 29th April, I constantly tried to contact her telling her how much I love her and that I have been crying for her so much. She always just seemed to be too irritated from me. A girl who craved to talk with me, who once used to say that she has placed me above her God is now irritated to talk to me. She roams around daily in the College with her new boyfriend, while with me she was scared that the college authorities might see us.
It is a pain to see her with him, but it seems I can’t do anything about it. Every day is really really difficult for me without her.
After reading this guide of yours, I decided to enter no-contact, but its even more difficult. Even though she didn’t replies to my texts, I contented myself by saying to her what I wanted to say. But I would bear through this if this creates a chance for her to come back to me.
Please reply what do you think on this, how much chance do I have and what all should I do?
You do have a chance Ankur. You just need to follow the guide.
Hi, Kevin
I don’t know if you still respond to this article but I figured I give it a tr. We were in a short term Relation for 2 1/2 months. It was intense with all the honeymoon feelings and all that good stuff. We were staying together for most of the relationship until I asked her to move back home because I needed some space to miss her a bit so it would be refreshing to see her
2 weeks later we broke up because of a huge fight that started because she thought some female texted me. After the break up I agreed on being friends but we barely talked so the friendship never materialized. I argued with her but other than that I never begged. Today makes us 1 1/2 months broken up. I been in no contact for 13 days I was wondering If I could get back?
There’s still a chance. But it was a short relationship and you two were obviously not compatible. You will be better off moving on. Regardless of what I think, it’s your decision. You should follow the guide.
Hi Kevin,
First of all thank you for your article. It really helped me put things in perspective and it was very clear on the steps to take on getting back with your ex. The only thing I done wrong was only done 3 weeks of the no contact as I panicked because we had organised a gig with 2 of my friends and 2 of hers. We met first for coffee as I wanted to judge if she was going to be a bitch at the gig but once I found out she missed me too I went ahead with going. The gig went well and I stayed in her place that night but it was implied that this was not a ‘getting back together’ thing as she is still unsure about getting back together. We were supposed to go out again tonight but she canceled because she can’t get a child minder and is she has two young children (2 and 4) and now I feel like she is just using them as and excuse to not have a relationship with me. Her lifestyle is pretty hectic at times. She says she still loves me but I deserve someone that can give me all their attention and not just attention occasionally and that she doesn’t want me to think I am the kids dad because they already have one. I just see the kids as little buddies. Do you think I should go back to no contact as I still care about her or start to woo her again etc OR should I just cut my losses and move on?
Thanks again for the awesome article by the way, you rule!!
If you want to pursue her, you should contact her again after a few days or a week and then eventually ask her out again.
Thanks Kevin!
Will this works even she’s nit interested in me anyore? We have a son and turning 1year old this may 17, she broke up with and i know its my fault, the reason why she nleft me because i did not have the time for her, even when she likes talking to me, i just ignored her, and also, i did not have the time take take care of our baby. Will this still work? She got tired and fall out waiting me to change
It’ll definitely increase your chances.
I was wondering what will i do at may 17 cause we will be celebrating our baby’s first birthday. Should i still apply the no contact rule until may 17? Or just for the child?
If you have to see her for the birthday, treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. Be cordial and upbeat and don’t talk about anything personal.
Hey,
I just stared my NC like 5 days ago. As in no social media updates nothing. Before my NC i was trying to be close to her again we even met but to no avail. And now 6 days to the process my ex updated her status on fb which she rarely does because she uses twitter more. So i think she wants me to see it? She thought i gave up or had enough. And posted something on instagram saying that she deserves aomeone who knows how tovmake things up again after making her feel bad and not only good with the word sorry.
So my question is. Is this a sign that she misses me? Should i continue my NC up to 30 days or cut it short? Should i contact her? How? Im kinda confused right now. Pls help.
I just found out that my ex blockes me on twitter. Should i panic? She also thinks that i gave up on her and im only on the 6th day of my NC. What should i do? Should i continue?
Don’t panic. It’s a good sign that she is showing anger. If she contacts you, tell her that you need some space to deal with the breakup and then follow the guide. Don’t worry, she won’t move on if you apply no contact.
Hey there. First of all, I have to say that I really really like your website. Funny enough, I didn’t come across it until I was already 30 days into the no contact period.
My story is a bit different since we dated for a relatively short time, 4 months to be exact. I asked her out and things were going quite well. In fact she actually came onto me quite strongly. I had wanted to take things slow originally, but after a few months I felt her start to pull back a bit. I thought she was pulling back because I hadn’t really made her a part of my life up until then. I talked to her and went out with her often, but she hadn’t met my family or friends.
Anyway, sensing this, I made some overtures about how I was willing to make her more a part of my life. She seemed quite willing to talk about the future with me, so I figured it was okay to invite her to Easter with my family. At that point, she sort of freaked out and said she wasn’t ready for something serious. Up until that point, we were still quite physically affectionate with each other. As a side note, she got out of a very long relationship that had a very traumatic break up a few months before we started dating.
Now I see pictures of her on facebook with this other guy. I’m pretty sure she’s dating him. The pictures aren’t super chummy, but they are at venues which suggest dating. He’s obviously not a rebound, since we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend and I’m pretty sure she knew about this guy while she was still dating me.
Since seeing this, I have texted her and I kept it light and short. I made sure to mention something exciting in my life, and congratulated her on getting into a new program at school. She says she has a super busy summer.
So my question is, if she isn’t into something serious, but is seeing another guy and has a busy summer, what’s the best way to proceed? I don’t *need* this girl but I do *want* her. She’s amazing but obviously I can live without her if I have to.
Should I just text her every few weeks with something positive and casual and assess it as it progresses, or is there another way I should go about doing this? On the one hand I don’t want things to progress with this other guy, but I obviously can’t push her for a relationship since she has some issues to sort out.
Thanks!
Yes, text her in a couple of weeks and if she is warm, ask her out.
Hi Kev,
After the last few dates we had, I told you I was having mixed feelings for my ex. And I think She’s having mixed feelings too. She is afraid of commitment with me and I can see she has mixed feelings too.
Last week she told me she wants a weekend break in a hotel somewhere. And She offered me to go with her. I told her I know a place and she asked me where. I told her To trust me and she will love it. She replied to me that that’s a tough word, and told me that she is trying to find herself first to trust, and that she is better right in her comfort zone. I replied to her that I said that only for the place that we should go. And she told me that she want that we will go together for the weekend break , and that she only told me that she is trying to find herself.
Anyways, On Saturday we went having a lunch in the evening and saw the eurovision together. It was fun but she was acting cool, and I think she was trying to make me jealous by mentioning some guys. I didn’t showed her any rage or anything. I listened to her and change the subject afterwords. We didn’t had sex that night cause she wanted to sleep early because of her work the day after and I had to Djing in a club at around 3.00 in the morning. I told her that tomorrow if she wants she can come to my place. She told me we will see about it.
To cut things short the day after she didn’t send me any message and I didn’t either. In the evening she wrote a status on her wall that she was going to party with her friends. After some time I messaged her and told her I went out with my mum for dinner on her mother’s day. She told me that maybe she was going out with her friends. I replied to her that you should go and have fun. I told her that I’m going to have a beer relax with my friend also and told her that if she, and her friends wants to join us later. She told me that she text me if they make up their minds to come.
After I realized that she didn’t went out. I think she wrote that status to text her. I’m a bit confused right now because I can’t understand what she wants exactly. I played it cool and didn’t showed any emotions when she told me that she is going out with her friends, on the contrary I told her to have a good time and enjoy it.
Would like you to help me on this seriously. I know there are strong feelings for each other but I think the both of us are afraid to show them, especially her.
Thanks Kev. Looking forward for your reply.
Hey,
I think you are handling it pretty well. And you shouldn’t make any sudden moves and take your time to decide whether or not you really want her. If you are sure you want her back, then you can eventually ask her to get back together (when you think odds are favorable).
Hey Kev,
After having a few dates, and what I told you above, she was becoming very cold with me, and acting distant. Once she told me that she is very confused and don’t know what she wants in her life. She was a bit depressed and insecure in her life and her self esteem was very low. I was getting tired of waiting. She knew that I still have feelings for her. (If I didn’t I wouldn’t go out with her). And I told her that I need to talk to her.
On Wednesday we went shopping together. She was very cold with me and she even wasn’t laughing at my jokes. After shopping I invited her to my place to talk. I asked her what she wanted with me and in her life and she told me that she is very confused right now. She made it clear to me that she’s not ready for a relationship or commitment. She told me that she is very insecure and can’t love someone deeply if she don’t even love her self. She told me that she tried to love me but wasn’t happening because her self esteem was low. On the Other hand she wanted to remain friends with me (Sexless Friend) until she knows what she wants. I didn’t accepted. And I told her that we can’t be friends if I have different feelings for each other, although she told me that she has great feelings for me but she’s not ready.
I told her that for now is better to cut off contact. I made it clear that I’m not trying to challenge her or playing games or something but for our own good. She began to cry. She told me that she didn’t wanted to loose me. She even asked me if there’s other one. Or if I’m going to begin dating someone else. I told her that I don’t know what will happen. She cried all night. She told me to wait for her till she get better and knows what she wants. And I told her that I never cared for someone like I did for you but it’s difficult for me to handle this and don’t know where I am with you. She even came hugging me and cry on me. I cried with her aswell. She asked me if I’m going to delete her from facebook and I told her that I don’t know yet. It was a very difficult situation but I can’t keep waiting for her.
After she went home, I unfriend her from facebook. she messaged me and told me that you won’t unfriend someone who respect you like she did. She told me you unfriend some one you hate. She was acting angry and I told her that If you respect me you won’t play with my emotions. She told me that she’s confused and when she tries to love someone very deeply something is holding her back.
I told her that now I agreed with your decision and that big and new exciting things is happening now in my life. Which are true. I was totally honest with her. I told her what an amazing person she is and what was said between us will ever be between us and that for now I’m going to give you some time for your self and even for mine and that maybe we can be friends at some point in the future. She told that I devastated her and she didn’t pretend that this is going to happen. I told her I’m sorry but it’s better like this for now for both of us and we see what happens in the future.
I’m going to work out on myself more now. Truthfully I was feeling good about myself before we began dating. I mean, I still am. I go to the gym, try to keep my self healthy etc etc. But she was confusing me somehow since she didn’t know what she wants.
To be honest I’m a bit frustrated. But I think I made the right choice. It’s a very tough decision since me and her communicates very well and have many things in common but I don’t think I have any chance with her now. This is the second time of no contact.
Thanks For Everything Kev. Sometimes, somethings is not meant to happen.
Would like to send me your last opinion on this please.
Thank you.
Hi Kev .. Any suggestions from the above please!
Hey Kev,
Hope all is good. After 3 weeks of the second no contact I was Performing in an event, and she came there with her friends which happens to know them aswell. She was always looking and trying to talk to me. After around an hour she offers me a drink but I didn’t accept it. To Cut things short, we spend some more time near each other and not talking to each other and then I decided to talk to her. We Went to have a drink together and we couldn’t stop chatting.
After some time her friend told her that she was going to go someplace else. My Ex told her that she is going to stay with us, (Me and my 2 other friends).
We went to another place and she told me to go with her with her car.
To Cut things short after she came to my place. We had Sex but after something strange happened. She began to cry and cry and cry and tell me about her depression and insecurities and her low self esteem. She also was mentioning some bad experiences from the past. I Hugged her all night long and she was feeling safe in my arms. I told her that I will protect her and help her. She didn’t wanted to leave me. She also asked me if I was going out on a date with someone she knows.
After she went home she send me a message. She told me That she’s sorry if she hurt me and it wasn’t her intention, and that need to solve her issues. I told her to don’t worry about it and that I’m over it now. I apologized aswell and told her that that’s why I needed some time for my self. She even told me to go for a weekend break in a hotel together on her Birthday which happens to be on mid july. I accepted.
After 3 days she was acting cold. And I was becoming distant from her. Once she send me a message and got me confused. We were chatting via what’s up and we were talking about a message Angelina Jolie wrote. I told her that she has a good heart like you. She thanked me, and after I told her deep inside I know you are although you afraid to show it. She told me that she’s been through a lot and that her soft side is hidden somewhere. She don’t trust people since she only met people in her life who only caused anger and hurt to her. She told me that when you meet people like her try to be supportive rather than try to change them because I get hurt. I chatted with her about her condition and tried to help her.
After around 3 days she was acting hot and cold again. Though more cold than hot. I was becoming distant with her and let her message me first. I wasn’t feeling good to talk to her. Every time I was trying to joke with her she acts cold.
I don’t really know what I could do. She has Issues and I can see that it’s not working between me and her. I’m worried to stay friends with her. I mean I worry that if I stay friends with her I get stucked up in the friend zone.
I really need your opinion on this please Kev.
Thanks
DS
He DS,
I think you did the right thing. A relationship with her right now would be a bad mistake because of her low self esteem. She is right, she can’t be in a relationship right now if she has self esteem issues. And you did the right thing by cutting off contact as it will enable you to move on with your life. Good luck.
Thanks Kevin.
For Now I’m going to stay like off contact. Than maybe in the future when I’m moved on with my life, I contact her again. I miss her and I it wasn’t my intention to hurt her. But I had to move on.
Thanks For everything mate.
Hey Kev. After 3 Weeks of the second no contact period I still feeling with emotions for her. I tried to concentrate as much as possible on my music career, and organizing bbqs with friends etc, to try to be better. I cut off contact and unfriend her from facebook so I can’t see anything she posts. She made it clear that she can’t be in a relationship with me because of her insecurities. I miss her a lot and there are times which I’m being sad and In Pain. I’m not looking forward to contact her for now. But I’m sure I will see her and meet her in a club or somewhere over the weekend. What should I do If I see her? Should I talk to her or just ignore her?
Thanks & Regards
Daniel Simler
Hey DS,
If you’ve decided to move on, you should choose the path that will help you move on. I think if she ignores you, ignore her. If she tries to talk to you, be cordial but keep the conversation short. I am sorry you are still suffering from the breakup. But I am sure you will start feeling much better as more time passes by.
hey Kev
Thanks for your reply … For now I decided to move on yes. I want to find myself and be emotionally better before I contact her. Then I will contact her as friends, and then maybe more will happen. But my main aim right now is to move on and be emotionally better. I know that I cant contact her unless I m feeling emotionally positive and secure of myself.
So I think thats the best choice for now.
Hey Kev,
Hope all is good. After 3 weeks of the second no contact I was Performing in an event, and she came there with her friends which happens to know them aswell. She was always looking and trying to talk to me. After around an hour she offers me a drink but I didn’t accept it. To Cut things short, we spend some more time near each other and not talking to each other and then I decided to talk to her. We Went to have a drink together and we couldn’t stop chatting.
After some time her friend told her that she was going to go someplace else. My Ex told her that she is going to stay with us, (Me and my 2 other friends).
We went to another place and she told me to go with her with her car.
To Cut things short after she came to my place. We had Sex but after something strange happened. She began to cry and cry and cry and tell me about her depression and insecurities and her low self esteem. She also was mentioning some bad experiences from the past. I Hugged her all night long and she was feeling safe in my arms. I told her that I will protect her and help her. She didn’t wanted to leave me. She also asked me if I was going out on a date with someone she knows.
After she went home she send me a message. She told me That she’s sorry if she hurt me and it wasn’t her intention, and that need to solve her issues. I told her to don’t worry about it and that I’m over it now. I apologized aswell and told her that that’s why I needed some time for my self. She even told me to go for a weekend break in a hotel together on her Birthday which happens to be on mid july. I accepted.
After 3 days she was acting cold. And I was becoming distant from her. Once she send me a message and got me confused. We were chatting via what’s up and we were talking about a message Angelina Jolie wrote. I told her that she has a good heart like you. She thanked me, and after I told her deep inside I know you are although you afraid to show it. She told me that she’s been through a lot and that her soft side is hidden somewhere. She don’t trust people since she only met people in her life who only caused anger and hurt to her. She told me that when you meet people like her try to be supportive rather than try to change them because I get hurt. I chatted with her about her condition and tried to help her.
After around 3 days she was acting hot and cold again. Though more cold than hot. I was becoming distant with her and let her message me first. I wasn’t feeling good to talk to her. Every time I was trying to joke with her she acts cold.
I don’t really know what I could do. She has Issues and I can see that it’s not working between me and her. I’m worried to stay friends with her. I mean I worry that if I stay friends with her I get stucked up in the friend zone.
I really need your opinion on this please Kev.
Thanks
DS
Hi
I split up with my girlfriend four months ago, we were together 6 yrs on and off. This time she ended it saying she didn’t fancy me, love me and there was no chemistry. I thought everything was ok but not great due to me goin through redundancy and losing my job so times were stressful for me. but I got another job quite quick then the bombshell. I was heart broken as I thought not again after all the promises and future plans we made together. We have 3 kids together so the no contact is really hard but I’m goin to start to follow it and only relate to the kids when contact is needed. Im always getting mixed messages from her like she will flirt and touch me joking about then it’s as tho she don’t care and is really cold towards me. Then ask me to be honest if I start seeing anyone else then it’s I don’t care wot your doin I’m not interested. Then wants me to go on holiday with her and the kids and do things together as it’s good for the kids etc (feeling used) I don’t no. She says she don’t belive me or trust me but I’ve never gave her any reason not too. We have had lots of rows in the last 4 months then we get along again, had a week away as a family within this four months aswell which was separate rooms may I add, she knows how much she means to me but she says she will hide her feelings if they come back and ignore them. So confused plz help.
Glen
Her hot and cold behavior is extremely common. Don’t let it affect you. Follow the guide.
me and my gf of 9 months ( we lived together 5 of those months) broke up with her saying that she has been doubting our relationship for months now and she just felt like our relationship wasnt going anywhere…she at first wanted me still in her life and wanted to date and whatnot but i was wanting answers because i was hurt that she was moving out from me and giving up our title of gf/ bf. But i began to question everything and basically bug the hell out of her and that made her mad thinking that i was being crazy and whatnot. Now its been two weeks and she is back with her ex bf from before me.
We had went on a trip to utah when she was an intern for arches national park and she deleted all of our photos and deleted and blocked me from facebook and instagram. she has not completely moved out of our apartment and i know she will have to contact me for all of that.
She had told me that she has no desire to work on things and that relationships should not be arguing all day every day, and usually it was about my jealousy (in which im so tired of being) but i am currently starting the no contact phase and starting to work out.
I love her with all my heart and i truly want her to be happy but i guess i just need some advice and what are my chances of her coming back to me…although im not desperate for her i just would like to know.
You have a decent chance. Follow the guide.
Hey Kevin
My ex girl has asked I leave her be for awhile I wasn’t a tex nazi and did go 3 weeks nc..upon ending convo she said so what happens now shall I call in a few months …I said do what makes you happy..
She broke up with me due to loss of attraction I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and “I’m confused and don’t know what I want ” speech.
Spose in this instance I move on and deal with it if she contacts ??