When you are asking for closure, what exactly are you expecting? Is it something like this?
I need to know if my ex still loves me. I think if I just know his feelings about me, I will get closure.
My ex was with me for 3 years. She said that she loved me and will always be with me. I have to know what happened that she went from “I Love You” to “I want a divorce”. I asked her this question but it just led to an argument. I need an answer to get closure.
I just want to tell my ex how I feel right now.
I think my ex owes me an explanation
Do you think answering these questions will lead you to closure?
Most people think of “getting closure” as something that will happen which will immediately close this chapter in their life and move on.
The mind which is in pain is expecting something to happen that will just ease all the pain, stop all the questions, and bring you at peace with the breakup. It could be either some vague incident, a sign from above, or a scene including the ex. Sometimes, you think you know what will bring you closure, sometimes you don’t. But every time, you are hoping for something to happen which will give you this closure.
If you think of closure as something that will happen in your life which will immediately help you forget everything, then you are just setting yourself up for more misery.
The fact is, you get closure with time, by doing your grief work and understanding yourself and your past relationship. There is nothing your ex, or anyone else can do which will give you closure.
Contacting your ex, in hopes of getting closure is only going to get your more confused. In most cases, when you contact your ex, in hopes of getting closure one of the following happens.
– Your ex doesn’t answer your call or text. Which usually makes you feel rejected.
– Your ex answers your call but refuses to answer your questions. You are just making a fool of yourself demanding answers that they are not willing to give.
– Your ex gets defensive and attacks back. Leading to an argument, which obviously doesn’t make you feel better.
– Your ex answers you but it doesn’t give you closure. Because that answer just leads to more questions. And you repeat the whole process again.
It doesn’t matter what answers your mind is seeking. It’s not going to be satisfied until you do your grief work and understand yourself. Closure can only come from inside you. Not from something that will happen outside.(Note: If you think that getting back together will help you get closure, check out my article on how to get your ex girlfriend back.)
But it’s not easy to shut down the thoughts and the questions. Here is a simple exercise you can do right now, to let it all go. Go down to the comments section and write down the scenario you were hoping which will give you closure. And at the end write “I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I have been contacted by her. She wants to know why I am so angry. She has no idea of what she did. She wants to clear up any misunderstanding. I want to tell her what happened. Not for vengence, but I truly believe she thinks she did no wrong. I am not doing this to make her feel better, as I will not apologize. Do I want her back as a girlfriend. NO. Am I ready to contact her yes…it has almost been a month of no contact. I am not doing this for closure. I have forgiven her. There are things I value about her as I value in all my friends. “I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I understand this statement. I do not and will not use this as closure.
Thanks for your comment David. You are on the right track.
I dont need a closure anymore. Thank you for the article Kevin
Funny thing is I don’t hate him, we didn’t have a bad break up. He actaully made me feel alive again and helped me let my guard down after I had it up for the last 6 years after breaking up with my previous ex (7 years). This realtionship was only 4 months but it was great – he put so much effort into it and spent so much time together. But all of a sudden he says he is not looking for anything serious (I hadn’t even asked for this, just a relationship and see where it goes) and he is selfish with sharing his time and comfortable with his space so feels bad when he only wants to see me when he wants and so doesn’t want to string me along….so I take it he prefers casual relationships. We spent most weekends together and also time during the week. I just don’t get how he got cold all of a sudden….so I sit here trying to figure him out. it also plays on my mind that as his attitude to a lot of things is ‘out of sight, out of mind’ that he might have already found someone else to have a casual thing with, which hurts even more. I just felt like I wasn’t ready for it to end just yet as we were having such a good time, we connected well and yes, I was getting more and more attached and want to know why he changed his mind..is it because all his friends are in casual relationships? He is 36 so I want to know if he will ever want a serious relationship. I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
Your situation sounds like mine! I am a girl that was with a girl. My friends laugh, bc gay or straight, we all seem to hurt the same! She opened me up after a 5 yr dry spell from anything! We were together for 5 wks. Others say that is not long enough to be in love, but for me it sure was! We never established boundaries, so when I fell in love, she was not ready for it. She said it was too fast. She made plans with me on up into June, but then one night, just said that she did not want to be in a relationship. I guess I was a booty call! I am 17 days in no contact. It has not gotten any easier as all these sites say! I know even if she tells me why, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside!
We are still married and I’m like 2 weeks away from our baby to come. This hasn’t been easy, at all. I left because my own sake and my baby’s. He has been really hurtful and unfair and has been walking away from me and our marriage from months now (I’m just realizing that). And so, sometimes, I imagine I see him in our bed with another woman and that way I know for sure that this is completely over and that he is not worth my efforts, tears and that he did throw it all and I can now move on.
I know this would hurt me and break my heart, but in my mind is like this would make me feel determined to move on and accept that everything is dead. It’s kinda masochist, though.
I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I said it before and I’ll say it again. Kudos to you for leaving a hurtful partner in this situation. It takes strength and courage to leave someone like that. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
This is kind of confusing. My ex didn’t leave me; I broke up with her because I lost attraction for her. Then a few weeks after, I asked her to meet up to talk (I was feeling lonely), and she agreed. That’s when I found out she had a new boyfriend, and I even though I wanted to be away from her, the idea of losing her, plus an crushing rush of jealousy made me miserable. I begged her to come back with me, but she said no. For two weeks I felt very depressed; it felt as if she had been the one who dumped me. There have been many times I’ve wanted to talk to her; ask her if she still loves me… I wish I could be with my ex one last time so that this pain may finally go away, but “I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
It’s so good that you can ser what won’t give you closure! Of course even holding her for a minute will make it seem like your heart just becomes one again. Like everything is fine again. But that is a temporary solution. It won’t actually fix your heart!
I constantly called my ex over and over thinking that hearing him say we were done for good this time would bring me closure. I thought calling him over and over asking for my journals was going to give me closure; but even if that happens I know closure is going to happen in time within me, not what will happen on the outside.
I always thought it would be easier to move on if I could ask my ex what went wrong and how someone who seemed so crazy about you at one time could be so cold and disinterested now.
Yes, it would be. But in reality, whatever they say won’t really satisfy you. In most cases, they themselves don’t know what made them so cold and disinterested.
I just want to know why she could hurt me the way she did. Its like she did not care anymore of whether or not I could continue to live a normal life without her. I just want to know why it was so very easy for her to lie to me repeatedly. Why she could not just have talked to me instead of hurting me and deceiving me. I can not for the life of me understand why she had to replace me with a married man who has a child with his wife and another child with his girlfriend before her. I just want to know why she was not even careful about getting pregnant with the guy she is currently with. Why she could have stopped loving so fast. I understand that knowing all of these will not give me closure.
I havent spoken to him for two months. He went back to his country and texted me and said he getting married because its his parents wishes. I put my feelings aside as much as it hurt and broke my heart and wished him the best in the future. I now found out he is coming back here to finish his studies and will bring his wife from his country. I sometimes feel like contacting him, but I know there is no point and its so hard as I know he will be ashamed and have nothing to say. I feel sometimes I wont be strong enough if I bump into him or how to act if I see him. I try to avoid in finding any information about him as it hurts too much.
It’s been over two months since we broke up on my birthday, which was a mutual agreement following a stupid argument, because we were both unhappy. I had told her from the start that I had real and powerful feelings for her, and it wasn’t just about the sex. I wanted a relationship, a real committed one. She said she felt the same way, that she “loved” me.
Yet in the end, what she really wanted was a friends with benefits type situation, which would have been okay with me except she led me on and got me deeply emotionally invested in her. When she said she loved me and then withdrew herself emotionally, it hurt. I tried to talk it out with her multiple times, but she always denied the apathy and assured me of her feelings. And then, suddenly it was over. She didn’t love me. She just wanted to be friends and pretend that it never happened.
Now, she’s been texting me and showing up where I work wanting to hang out, because she wants to be fiends like we were before the relationship. I sincerely wish for that also… but it hurts too much to see her or talk to her; it always makes me feel confused because I still have romantic feelings for her. To make matters worse, we have the same group of friends, which has caused me to distance myself from them as well.
I don’t regret the relationship at all, but I feel so conflicted because I told her that I would always be there for her no matter what, even if only as friend. Am I a liar, like she was to me? So I wonder if I shouldn’t just hang out with her and try to pretend like nothing ever happened, to keep our friendship alive. Wouldn’t that be the definition of forgiving her? But I know that if I do that, it’s going to just keep hurting because I’ll be clinging to her as my lover, not her as my friend. We haven’t talked hardly at all since the breakup, and although I have managed to reach the point where I sincerely do not want to go back to the relationship because I know that I will only be going back to the same old situation, I occasionally remember some of the good times and can’t help but thinking that maybe I should try to talk to her about the relationship, to sort out our issues and really put our relationship to rest. The breakup just happened way to fast. I need closure from her.
But I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I want my stuff back. I don’t want to see her, just want to go to her house and maybe the cleaning lady could give my stuff back. I don’t want any of my stuff to be with her, I don’t want them to be an excuse to see us again (even though I would love to see her again, i knos this is a bad idea). I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I am in a close relationship with my ex’s mother and grandmother. I do not want to lose the relationship with them, but they have told me that his problems will not affect their love for me and that we can still keep in touch despite his abuse. This has helped me, but I still miss being able to call my ex when I am sad, but I need to remember that he is the reason for the times in the past I would feel bad about myself. So I know that even if I were able to call him, it would not bring me closure. Reading and realizing my internal strength is what will bring me closure.
I still love my ex. I hate to say it but I can’t stop thinking about her, everyday I’m awake I am thinking about her. Wondering how she is, wondering what went wrong, wondering what I should have done or could have done better. Truthfully, our relationship was amazing, she loved me, and I loved her with everything I had and our relationship was one that lasted for years, almost 4 years to be exact. But things hadn’t been going like they should have, we were limited because neither of us were able to drive so we couldn’t see each other as often as we wanted to, and because of that she started to become distant. And after a while I guess she got tired of it and said we should take a break, little did I know that the break was permanent. We broke up and about 4 months after she already had a new boyfriend. I know that that means that she is over me, but I can’t get over her, she was my world and I don’t know how to get closure and get on with my life. Could you please help me?
My 4 year relationship ended very abruptly, and none of the warning signs of imminent breakup were present. In fact, we were at an extremely happy point, in between major holidays (with her birthday on top of that!) and I have been perplexed as to why ever since. On top of that, as other commenters above have said, she was especially nasty to me during/after the breakup. It’s hard to understand how someone can share a bed/home/bank account/life with you one day and stab you in the back so many times the next with no (apparent) reason. I could write a book (or enough text for one anyways) detailing all of the complications surrounding the breakup, and a sequel detailing following events; I realize all breakups are very complicated and I’ve had my share! But wow, was this a mindf… errr psychologically damaging ordeal.
I’d be fine with all of the above, but I must mention some key points: I’ve been having dreams about her, increasing in frequency as time goes on. As of late I’ve been dreaming about her 20-30% of nights, that figure doesn’t include nights I can’t remember my dreams (~50%) which would push this figure to 40-60%. Dreaming about exes is completely natural, but this is quite an alarming figure. To further complicate things, it’s been 3+ years and I have no contact with her nor do I discuss her. I’ve also had multiple relationships since and I dream about her more than all of them combined! This has led me to believe that while I have ‘moved on’ I still NEED some sense of closure subconsciously. For awhile, I believed that I could better cope if I had an idea where I had gone wrong, or what prompted her actions. Maybe it would help me avoid this problem in the future. ‘I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.’ I did however, go against your advice and contact her anyways. Before you hate me, let me explain: I told her what prompted my contact, why I believe I’m having the dreams, and that I’ve accepted that I will never receive any explanation or apology from her. I also forgave her for the wrongdoing I feel she had done me, and apologized for any wrongdoing she may feel I did her. I clarified that it was in pure intention, and that it was not meant as an attack or as an attempt to reconnect as a friend or more, and even went so far as to thank her for everything she had ever done for me. I wished her well, told her that all I was seeking was closure and that she need not contact me back. While some people may think I’m in denial: the truth is if she wrote me back apologizing and offering logical explanations for everything begging me to be with her again, I would have absolutely no interest.
While I did not follow your advice to the letter, I would like to thank you very much for your helpful and insightful information. I did find it very useful, as I’m sure many others have… Keep up the good work, and good luck to everyone else reading this page in dismay.
Thanks,
Bob
Wow same situation. Unlike you.. it has been 2 and a half weeks. But it happens. I can write a book bout it
I don’t understand why we are o happy and no signs at ll and 2 days after we broke up..he has another girl maybe they are dating behind my back. But i cant be mad at him. All the time we were together..i was always his princess. We discussed every argument and shared our realizations and compromises. Now he wants closure? I don’t know if I can give it. I asked him to give me that but he pushed me away.
My ex was a passive-aggressive guy and over time, his behavior eroded every bit of trust i had in him. The breakup was ugly and given his personality, I was concerned he would not cope well. Weeks later, I had wanted badly to see him in person, just to find out if he was well. Incidentally, a month after the breakup, i did see him at a restaurant while i was out with friends. I didn’t approach or speak to him. But seeing him in person didn’t give me the closure i had hoped for either. You’re absolutely right that “closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside”.
After the breakup, I spent time rediscovering myself, learning self-love and self-respect. It’s been two months now and I’ve come to realize that the relationship was broken and breaking up was a good thing for both parties. Thanks Kevin.
My ex and I broke up in September, before I left to study abroad. We talked while I was gone, and I was convinced we could get back together, until I got back to school and discovered she was with somebody else. She said she still wanted to be friends, but gradually disconnected from me. I wrote her a letter about my feelings and have been hoping she’ll reply.
If she replies, it will not give me closure. Closure will only come when I am able to provide it for myself.
my idea scenario where i get closure?
she tells me the “truth” for once. she tells me that some guy really did sweep her off her feet while she was on vacation. that she came back from vacation different because she kept thinking about him. that what she wanted with him put out relationship in perspective and gave her doubts, which led to all the fights and ultimately to our “break.” the she was happy to be on a break so that she can text this guy without feeling like cheating. that she was happy that i caught her talking to him and happy that i broke up with her for it. that she was happy i ended all contact with her so she wouldnt feel bad for starting a relationship with this guy.
she denies all of this, of course, but i think her honesty would help me move on. but i know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I kinda wished that she couldve told me that she was already liking someone else. I wished i didnt knew it from anybody else but her. Instead she told me that the reason of the break up was because of school even if her own friends are already telling me that she likes this one guy. I just wished that she told me everything and not make any excuses…but at the end of the day i know this will not give me closure, closure will come from inside me not something that is bound to happen in the outside.
I just miss her. She was part of my life for the past year and a half, in every second of it. I just miss her. In a strange way, I know that she is well, and healthy and all, but I feel the same thing I felt when Dad died. I used to go to his grave, and talk to him, every day, knowing that he can’t answer, can’t hear me, I just missed him. Part of me is angry that she is not the person she used to be, and never will be. Even if we would talk, or see each other, I would miss her more, the woman she used to be. What would give me closure? I realize now it’s nothing she can give me anymore. Closure will come when I accept that life goes on.
He broke up with me over a gut feeling. 1 year and 4 months thrown away over a gut feeling. I wanted to know why, every detail so I could analyse what went wrong, why it went wrong. I never got my answer and that’s okay. He doesn’t love you and you will be okay. “I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
Our relationship lasted 5 months. I decided I needed a break towards the end, to reconnect with myself and try to be happy again. I needed to be whole again if I really wanted to give the relationship a chance to survive. He had been growing more and more distant, and I had been feeling more and more isolated. Since he wouldn’t talk to me about his issues, I became more and more helpless, frustrated, insecure. But he chose to end it before I could heal. When he said to me , “It’s best you lead your own life”, it dawned on me that he wasn’t going to wait for me or fight for me/us, so I gave up, and I gave in, believing in my heart that in the end, this was how things should be. After 3 weeks of agonizing, virtually no contact (we met to exchange personal belongings), I finally understood that there really was nothing I could have said or done to change our course, or get any closure. His problems are bigger than the both of us – family, work, money. I had never once stopped to consider how serious they were, or how these problems were affecting him so badly that I/our relationship was suffering as a result. But now I know. It was never about me. We haven’t talked again, I’m not sure if we ever will, but I have found my own closure – I know that I love him and that I probably will, for a long time, but I also know I could never be in a relationship with him again unless HE chooses has to fix himself and sort out his problems. In the meantime, I’m choosing to move on. Thanks Kevin
Sharon…
How are you getting along now? Has he ever tried to reach out to you or vise versa?
Our relationship lasted for a little over 3 months. It was a long distance relationship but we would talk, text, and skype daily for hours. Every month that we were together he would visit me for a week and it was amazing, we would spent every possible moment together. At the time I was attending university and he had a business where he was living so none of us could relocate. My family was against the relationship and everyone I knew was putting pressure on me to break up with him because of his past but I believe that the past is in the past and I didn’t want to jeopardize my happiness for what other people said. In the beginning he said that he would consider moving as would I. The last time he came to visit he told me to make a decision to move or break up and I told him that I had strong feelings for him but I couldn’t move so he just left it has been months and he hasn’t contacted me.. I felt like I was trying to fight so hard for him (even though he didn’t know about it) but he just let me go. It hurt so bad and to this day I’m having trouble moving on because I felt like he was perfect for me but how can he just let me go. He deleted me from all of his social media sites and just disappeared. it’s hard to accept because he would always tell me how much he felt for me etc. But now I think everything was a lie and I can’t trust what people say. Some times I miss him so much because we had such a powerful connection and I can’t meet anyone that can understand me as well as he did( but then again maybe it was all a lie). I know that even if this happens it will not give me closer and today on my 25th birthday I’m choosing to move on. Thanks Kevin and all the other commenters for helping me realize that I’m not alone.
I actually don’t have the urge to talk to my ex regarding obtaining information on what went wrong which is a good thing. Usually I would very much have the urge to do so. Honestly, I don’t even think he knows what happend. We were 3 months together (I know, it is not a long time but I really liked and still like him) and we broke up almost 2 months ago. After 2 months in our relationship he switched. I can even date it back. He said in the end that he didn’t have enough feelings for me. That is something I had to accept because you can’t force feelings. However, I know in my heart that in the first two months he had feelings until the switch. I learned a lot from being with him, about myself about being with someone but I can’t beat myself up for every possible thing I may have done wrong. Fact is we are not together. He actually started dating someone. She is 24 years old and she puts pics of the two if them together on his timeline on FB. He is usually so private about things and hardly posts anything on FB or allows tags to be published and all of sudden there are these updates… We meet on a dating side and he not only stopped being active, he even shut down his account. This drove me crazy and I became so obsessed and upset about it that I deleted him from my FB friends and decided not to go on FB for one week – for my own sanity….. I am now going through a very quiet time and trying to accept things as they are in order to find closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I want to understand how somebody can break up with you lead you along for 3 weeks making you think you can get back together, start chatting with somebody else and then say “she can flip love off like a switch” I don’t believe she can wake up 1 morning and say I don’t love you anymore! I know that the truth is she broke up with me started flirting with somebody else so it would be wrong for her to love or even talk to me!
I know she will never answer the question because she already tried and that just lead to more questions and I think to be honest lies!! I know no matter what she says it will never give me closure and that closure will only come from inside me!
I was with my girlfriend for 2 years. Before I met her I was happy being single and a confident guy. Many of the problems I face now are of my own making. If im honest I knew after 6 months we were not compatible but I became hooked on having a beautiful partner on my arm, someone to make me feel loved and someone to boost my ego. Its shallow I know but as it was something I have never had before it was very addictive. After 2 failed attempts to leave her (she knew my vulnerabilities well) I finally left her when I discovered she was having conversations with a guy that crossed the boundaries. When questioned she made a poor excuse and insisted nothing had happened. Regardless it killed me and was the push I needed to leave. However as much as I deseve this for not being true to myself and walking away sooner I am a broken man who feels unable to move on without closure. I think that maybe if she told me she had been sleeping with this guy or that they hooked up the moment I walked out it woul give me that closure. However I know that this wont give me what I want and closure will only come from inside me.
One word on closure – an experience earned the hard way.
A break-up is a painful event for the dumper just like for the dumpee, but in a very different way.
Many times, a dumpee genuinely accepts the break-up and really only wishes one last sincere, heartfelt communication from the dumper: an honest explanation of what happened, or a sincere personal validation of his/her value, to help him/her through the trauma; that’s a dumpee means by “closure”. The reason he/she will never get it is that the dumper seeks a totally different kind of “closure”: a rationalization and justification of his/her decision that will be as gracious flattering to him/her as possible – that will, simply put, make him/her FEEL BETTER. Which, in a way, is exactly the same as what the dumpee is seeking…
DON’T seek closure from a dumper. If the break-up is indeed final in the dumper’s mind, then even though you share a past, and even if you still speak together, you NO LONGER SHARE THE SAME LANGUAGE. It’s every man for himself now. If you make your feelings dependent on what the dumper says about the break-up, you will end up validating his/her ex-post justifications and giving closure to him/her, but will have an even harder time reaching closure yourself.
That’s very well put Luke. Thanks for the comment.
Mine was for 20 years a 20 year marriage. Honestly I do not know how this got to this point. After the last election, our business went really bad and finances were very strained and things just fell apart. True I could have done some things truly better and and I could have had a better approach with her, but somehow I do not think this would have helped. I think I could have fixed a lot of the financial problems but that would have meant a lot of inconvenience and she just did not want to hear that. Communications was a big issue. With me and with her and getting answers was stunted or simply having a back and forth like before just was not there. There is not anything I would not have done to get things back on track. We separated and lived apart for about 18 months and I thought we were making progress. Two weeks before the final end meaning divorce she said that she “really cared for me.” Then two weeks later she said she wanted to end it. This I simply did not get.
I did figure out that once she said that that she was seeing other people including sleeping with them. What amazes me is that this woman whom I thought I knew could have spent the last 18 months pretending to want to make it work with me and at the same time have a double life. Wow! Wow! Wow!
She was such a wonderful person for at least 15 years of our marriage and then something went wrong. Towards the end, I asked her a simple question after I found out she was having other relationships. I said to her,” What are you doing to yourself? This isn’t you. Why are you hurting yourself like this?” She was speechless and had absolutely nothing to say. I honestly wondered why she was being so self destructive. In the nearly two years we have been separated I have not been with another woman and don’t really want to invest any energy in that direction. I am in the process of building my financial life again and am starting to do very, very well at it even in this crap economy. Better than I ever did with her and yet I was till willing to share it all with her. There is no getting through at all. This is mind boggling.
One of my greatest desires in life was to say that I had been married to the same woman for 50 years like my parents were. Instead I view this divorce as the single biggest failure of my life. Oddly, everything else, mainly financial, is getting better and better. I have time to go out with a lot of male friends play golf, shoot pool, work out and generally have lots of time for myself. This is so upside down.
I would give anything to sit down with her and have our 4-5 hours conversations about everything like we used to. That ain’t going to happen. When we first separated, she hated me because our business was dead and I could not get income right away. Now she hates me because I have some awesome opportunities before me. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Again this woman was so cool, and wholesome, and kind and sweet and now she has turned into King Kong in bloomers. I am shocked at how she is sleeping around and acting like some power hungry “Hillary Clinton.” This was simply not her at least not the person I knew for the last two decades. It is as if she has been invaded by some alien and her original personality is gone. Very, very odd.
As I said earlier, I asked her what she was doing to herself? I can see that her behavior is hurting her in an awful way like a self destructive spiral. Wish I could do something.
But as the saying goes, I know even if I got all my questions answered to my satisfaction, I would not gain closure. Closure comes as something I give myself and not from something external that can happen magically.
I’m not seeking closure, I hope this is all a symptom of a mental health episode but I am trying to treat it as if it’s over. She has become a different person and the person i love seems to be gone. This person says she is afraid of me, though i have never given her reason to be, this person is very hurtful despite the previous years of kindness and love between us. There is no closure, someday maybe the woman i love will return after much self examination and psychological help, but it seems she has just vanished. It hurts and i’m working to take care of myself.
I just wanted her to tell me the truth about what was going on with her, she kept hiding her feelings and the fact that she had started seeing someone else and saying that she didn’t know what she wanted or how she felt even though it was really obvious. I kind of wished we could have had another chance or she would realize that she made a mistake and come back, or show up and apologize for everything she did or for her to go back to the way she used to be around me at the beginning of our relationship but I know these things aren’t realistic and getting back together wouldn’t be right or fair to me. I’ve realized that we had more problems than I thought and I had just been pushing them to the back of my mind. I do cherish the good memories and the love I did feel for her but I know it’s time to move on. There’s still a part of me that yearns for that closure and for that something to happen to fix things, but I know that even if this happens it will not give me closure, closure will come from inside me, not from something that happens outside.
Thank you
He broke up with me 2 months ago and we are still living together temporarily as we both move in August of this year. we were together for 6 years and engaged to be married. I will say it has been the hardest thing with him living in the same house which doesn’t help me to move on. At first when he told me ‘It wasn’t working out’ out of the blue, I felt so hurt, angry and an emotional reck. I did try and talk to him on several occasions for closure but as you said Kevin, the answer I received was never helpful, those answers just lead to more questions. And you repeat the whole process again. I have realized I have to take care of me, focus on me and not worry about him anymore. I give thanks every day for all the things I have in my life, even him and his family as at the end of the day I don’t want any harm to come to him because it is childish and at one point we did love each other very much. whatever his reason are for deciding to leave him, that is for him to work our for himself. We don’t talk much, jus small talk now. Funny thing is he has moving 5 blocks down to the street from my new apartment. Tell me how am I suppose to move on when I will possibly run into him? Well I have figured it out that I change my shopping habits to different schedule to defer from meeting up with him. Eventually it will happen that we will cross paths but until that happens, I will do my best to not run into him.
I am glad I do have support from friends, family and colleagues as maybe some people might not. What I will say to those of don’t have support, hang in their, exercise daily, get fresh air do something that makes you smile and get lots of rest. Day by day it will get better. I am not saying I am cured so to speak but Time does heal a broken heart (even though as I right this I still feel like crying). I am becoming a bit stronger.
So, “I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I don’t think with all the advise in the different articles that it will help me with my ex. I have the feeling that she been talking and seeing someone for more then I know maybe couple months so I would guess that there is no chance to get her back.
Reading these articles made me get in touch with the girl before my current ex and tell her how I had forgiven her and accepted what happen and no longer blame or hold anything against her. I never really told her stuff before but I didn’t deal with any of this cause I met my current ex and things went great and made me realize I found someone different and special.
hey kevin i am in the same boat, i want to contact my ex and tell her that i am sorry for everything that went wrong in our relationship, trying to smooth things over and make it right so there are no bad feelings between us i guess this is like wanting to get closure, our breakup was just recently so this has been on my mind alop
It’s been about 3 weeks of no contact and I’m starting to really figure myself out being away from my ex. Everyday it does get easier, but it’s still a tough process and I’m willing and know I will need to go through some more tough days and moments but I have made my peace with the fact that we are done as a couple and she will no longer be a part of my life. That is really the best closure for me.
I’m starting to look at our relationship from the outside in and getting a lot better perspective on it all. I’m also starting to think positively on this opportunity I have; being able to be single and get to know myself better, do whatever I want whenever and with whomever. I’ve decided to not jump into a rebound relationship (like she has done) which means I’ll have to go through all the rough emotional bumps and bruises but I know when I do finally come out of it, I’ll know I will have truly and honestly healed and I think I’ll be a stronger and better person because of it.
I know she and her new partner were getting together and talking behind my back. She said she didn’t cheat on me. But I still want to know:
– did she kiss him when they shared a taxi home when I was looking after her children because she wanted a night out ? She came home that night I said that she didn’t kiss him but I don’t believe her
– he gave her a lift once. Did she do anything with him then? I feel pain that maybe she did
– she slept with me after we had broke up and she must have been seeing home then. Is she just a lair and a cheater?
– does she know that I know that she has problems and could not emotionally connect?
– does she realise that she was emotionally abusive and mistreated me and was resentful for no reason
We haven’t talked for a month since I found out she had moved on to another relationship. I can’t contact her because I know I will give her more power and push her away even further. I know that closure will only come from me.
I wish my ex told me her feelings towards me. Tbh I still think the break up was my fault, for lying and being such a mess. The closure – to me – was a way to relieve my conscience from guilt, in a hope to say it was all her decision and that my actions did not influenced, since she said that she would forgive me. Even if she puts all on her or I hear the true reason, I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I have known him for a year, dated 6 months. After 3 months I found out he cheated and got someone pregnant. Immediately I did no contact, after 30 days we reconnected, he said it was an isolated incident and would never happen again. Then three months later on my birthday, I broke up with him because he said he had being seeing someone else. Then found out he had been seeing several people. I really thought he had something good going, even introduced him to my family. We even talked about future plans. I know I don’t need closure.
I am doing no contact. I want to contact her for closure but I know I can’t. My closure would be to ask if she was seeing her new bf behind my back. If she was kissing or having sex with him when I was babysitting her children. This would allow me to realise that she is a bad person.
I would also like her to realise how I felt over the last few months of our relationship. I think she was very cold towards me. I regret not being more assertive and taking control at this time.
When we broke up once. She was very heartbroken. I got back to together with her because I did love her and I felt bad for her heartbreak. Now I am heart broken and she doesn’t care. She does not realise the hurt I am feeling. It feels as though she has taken my soul.
At the moment she assumes that I have moved on, she feels happy with her new bf and glad that we are still ‘friends’ although we do not contact each other. In a way I want her to know that I am hurting but sometimes I think it’s best that she doesn’t. I don’t want her to have pity for me or think that I am immature or weak.
I want answers very much but if I ask she will see my pain. I will try to find closure with in myself.
I was a heavy smoker for 20 years. Two years ago I’ve decided to quit (something I managed the hard way: no doctors, no medication). I really loved smoking, though, I didn’t have any health problem, I guess I just wanted to live a healthier life and I guess I was fed up with it being so expensive. In the beginning it was hell… I took me at least 6 months to become more or less a “normal person” (i.e. no mood swings, no cravings, etc…), but I managed to do it. Two years past, and sometimes I still think of smoking (and may even feel like smoking), but usually that’s something that doesn’t last longer than a minute or two. But sometimes I do still think about it and I guess I’ll always will (with no hard feelings).
Anyway, I remember smoking my last cigarette: I thought it would be something highly symbolic, something magic that would help me quit. But then, no. My last cigarette was just like every other one. It didn’t give me closure (after all you can buy cigarettes everywhere, it’s too easy to get them). So I had to stick to my will power and fortunateky I managed to quit (still, it was a very, very hard process).
So… It’s been 2 months no contact now. I really can’t imagine a “scenario” but someday we’re inevitably going to bump into each other and I just hope I’ll have the same strenght I had before.
Thanks, guys.
I want him to stop being so concerned about how others feel. I want him to be independent and self satisfied. I know this will not give me closure, but I think it would make him the perfect guy for some other girl.
I get it. Nothing I say or any conversation that I may have with him will bring me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
Besides, he is so shut down that he couldn’t even tell me that he wanted to end our 25 year relationship (married 23). Seriously, I had to guess what was wrong and he nodded his head in agreement. So yeah, I have struggled with this whole thing, especially the logistics of it all (I have to leave the country where we are living and return to the US), but I truly do get that I want and need this to be over, even if I don’t understand what the heck is going on. Onward.
I have tried to get closure by keep asking him to please be honest and tell me if there is anything going on between him and his “friend”, when I saw them socially he is all over her like he was with me, that should be enough for me to have visual closure, but no, I wanted to force him to say what I wanted to hear, that he is in love with her, but no, he is refusing to say this, and keeps saying they are just very good friends. In the end I felt like I was going crazy – my gut instinct telling me one thing and me so badly wanting to hold onto what I thought was his 100% honesty he always said he had with me….. so I know that this closure will not come from me accepting or not accepting what he is saying,( that I will always be special to him but not as a partner… and that he has not got remotely close doing anything like we did and does not intend to – he has just “moved on” from me and I am “stuck” in my heartache. ) This closure can only come from inside me, I don’t know how or when, but please let it come soon. This has been going on for over 6 months.
I dont need any closure because I know for a fact that it really is over and thank god it is. I just want him to shut up and not talk about me. It’s as if he was the one whom I did wrong. I dont know what his deal is. It just annoys the shit out of me. He has a new girlfriend now by the way (Yes, he cheated on me). Im just puzzled with the fact that he’s the one mad at me. I know he’s happy with his life now, why can’t he let me be happy with mine. I would really love to forgive but not now. I am not ready.
I had a relationship that lasted three months. There were good times but in many ways she was very controlling and made me unhappy. I did no contact for 48 days then when I did recontact she was extremely cold, answered no questions and informed me she was “seeing someone else” and it was inappropriate to have contact with an ex boyfriend. I suppose my closure would be asking her how she could have professed love one weekend only to act so cold and selfishly the following. I would ask her if she ever had any genuine feelings outside of putting herself first and if she even knew what romantic love and faithfulness means. My closure would have been to have never recontacted and I regret it. Nothing she could say at any future point will give me closure, seeing her face to face least of all. Closure comes from inside me, not something that will happen outside.
I chose to not let him back into our lives I know our children and I deserve better then what we had been dealing with I can’t make a man who is addicted to drugs and alcohol see that the family he made is worth more then life itself. I have been given an apology and told he loves us even after he left but I know this does not bring me or the children closure. I have forgiven him and I have forgiven myself. The closure comes from inside me, not something that will happen on the outside.
I am slowly realizing that my ex actually never loved me.All along he was using me.I was the only one invested in our relationship.Imagine he had the nerve to let me introduce him to my parents and my daughter whose father died.Yet he knew very well he had no intentions of settling down with me.I just want an apology and to ask him why he would do such a low thing especially to the extent of hurting my daughter’s feelings and giving her false hope.After reading this article as hurtful as it is I realize that I will never get closure by talking to this guy I will only get closure from within but its still such a difficult concept to accept.
He contacts me to meet up and talk. I go there and he tells me how much he misses me and that life is not the same without me. I ask him straight in his face if he cheated on me while we were together or if we actually broke up because of another woman. He gets defensive but at the end puts on that smile which I know he uses when he is lying. He finally admits to me that it was because he was afraid of commitment. I get up and I thank him for everything he offered me. I walk away. I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
We were married 3 years when I found out she was talking with a 15 year older man with a family from a business trip. She denied any feelings for him but told me she was no longer in love with me and wanted to separate or divorce. I left for a job in another country and we were separated for 8 months. She made at least one cross country trip to see him for sex while we were apart; I saw other women as well. After a trip home and spending a few days with her she asked if she could come move in with me to reconcile. I said OK. She moved in and still wants to talk to the man she was with; she says they are still friends and he understands her. I want to know why she decided leave her life to reconcile with me when she seems to still be interested in this other guy? Was she just not able to have a relationship with him now because of his family or does she actually want to be with me? I want to ask her these questions, but I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure comes from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I get it too – closure comes from me!! I know why we broke up – it was a relationship that was both completely natural and also kind of impossible. I also know why I continue to mourn what we had (what I thought it might become) and continue think of her all the time. However lately I’ve noticed its with a sense of something close to gratitude (rather than loss) that I remember the really beautiful things – and not wish for them again – because they have found their measure against all the other things that aren’t right for us both. I suppose this is the beginnings of closure. Its evolving – and I wish it would hurry up! – but I have a feeling it’s like that (because getting involved is not simple) and disentangling is just as complex. Thanks Kevin for your help in all this
Preaching to the converted, here! I don’t believe in “closure” in the form of constantly contacting your ex. I finally learned, years ago, that when someone leaves you, it’s their final answer. The only choice is to move on and work on yourself. Still – it’s damned painful, and I’m still living with that sinking feeling right now. It takes time…but thank you for the article.
Maria!
On top of Kevin’s advice about closure… This is AWESOME advice!
You to both of you!
Kevin, my ex told me that he can’t be monogamous. I just stopped talking to him because I felt so disrespected. I wanted to ask him why he concluded that he can’t commit to one girl when he didn’t give me the opportunity to show him all I have to offer as a girlfriend. But I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I want him to tell me why he left me without discussing his doubts and fears before it was too late. I want to know why he did not put more effort in our relationship because I know he loved me. I want to know why he did not involve me in the process. I want him to apologize for deceiving me
I want to ask her these questions, but I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure comes from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I believed all his lies.I fixed his career and in the end I was left hiv positive,financially ruined,emotionally wounded,and he has a good life,a girlfriend and they have a child.On top of it he told me I deserved everything because I am stupid.
How do I even begin to find any form of closure when I am so damaged.
I wanted him to simply explain to me why? Why did he lie and cheat? Why did he say and do the things he did? Why did he hurt me so bad? I have contacted him to get explanations, and ended up with more questions. Your article has made realise that I was looking for closure, looking for that one explanation to ease the pain, stop obsessing over him and make me feel good that the relationship is over.
I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
The breakup was sudden, we were one month from being together for 7 years, he was my first boyfriend. the breakup lasted 5 minutes, i was shocked because of his reason which was that i didnt want to have his children. I am 4 years younger than him, i am 22 and nowhere near ready. He yelled for 5 minutes and stormed out. Last week his parents acused me of stealing some of the things they gave their son, i was so angry and upset because of how he started viewing me to his family and our friends: like someone who used him because of he had more money than me. I could never do that, never use someone that isnt me, and our frineds actually believed me instead of him to which i am greatful for over everything! They didnt belive me to be someone who uses others, and i was so relieved that they believed me since everyone else i see outside acuses me….. i dont understand how he changed so much, how he suddenly became like this, and why he never talked to me about children and money issues… and over everything i would like to aks.
“I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I have gone through the texting phenom of thinking i can get closure. eeverything this article said was right on point. I was making a fool of myself. i am no longer doing that..thank you for pointing these things out…very inciteful!
I finally realize even if I see him nothing will change. I will only get closure from inside me!
Together for 10 years not married we both agreed. he started flirting with an unhappily married barmaid and a year of hell for me-and him I caught him texting her with love. then I found out that they were going out together. I knew they were too close for just friends but tried to hang on as best I could in a bad situation. Now broke up for a year- they do everything we use to do- including our winter vacation. Closure I know only comes from me- I even told him that. Will I always love him though?
He got a message from his ex saying she missed him. And off he went. Was anything we had real at all? Why did you find it acceptable to drag me into your abusive relationship and use me? Why did you even want to go back to someone who cheated on you with strangers and left you for another man? You asked me out, we made plans, we talked deeply about the future and where WE were going. You promised you’d never hurt me or leave me for her. So why did you? You knew I didn’t want to get involved if you weren’t sure.
I never got an answer as to why we ended. He just stopped, told me he needed time. My closure scenario: He comes to my door like in the Colbie Caillat video “Realize”. He tells me he was immature for stonewalling behavior, that he wants me back. I guess I really don’t want closure if in my fantasy I want him back. Truly, there is nothing he could say that would make me be happy unless he told me he wanted me back. Today what has been helping me is recalling the line in the movie 500 Days of Summer… how the young, inciteful girl tells the main guy who’s been dumped that he needs to “take a second look” at all those great memories, that maybe they weren’t all as great as he remembered. Because for me, I forget all the bs and the pain and just reminisce about the sweet good times. Maybe I need to focus on the bs for awhile – not to be bitter, but to recall all aspects … that it really wasn’t all wine and roses; there were a lot of tears and mean words that verged on verbal abuse. In any event, closure will only come from me, not from him.
Wow. I guess I’m not alone. 15 years. Amazing relationship. Good sex, no fights and spent every moment together. Paid off her student loans, bought her a house and a financial services business. Lost my job and spent the last two years building my own business and supporting hers. We made a major cutback in expenses and holidays. But agreed it was for good reasons…. My new career and our great future together. That included marriage and children and building a new house in the country and living happily ever after. So I thought?
One day I ask her what’s wrong? Says she’s confused and unhappy. Needs space and time to meet new people and explore new possibilities. Does not want me involved in her personal or business life. Moving in with her best friend who is willing to help with her confusion. (Satan, her “best friend” from childhood refused sex with her husband for years and years and wonders why he left, why she hates men, is unhappy and sees a shrink every week.)
So for 5 months I give her the space she asked for to find herself again.. Still visits and puts me through hell. Has sex with me, starts a fight and leaves. Tells me I need help. Should give up my dreams and get a job. That I’m a bum living in her house. Don’t get out enough and need to start over. Refuses to talk about her feelings or what happened.
Also starts spending money like Crazy. Buys an expensive new SUV. New clothes and jewelry, business trips and very active socially. Wracking up our joint debt, credit cards! Then I see pictures posted on Facebook of her and an executive from head office on a romantic vacation in Spain and France. Someone she has been texting and seeing for how long? And left his wife and kids to be with her and most importantly her business that we built, that he wants. And he has another girlfriend!
And Hookers. Apparently a real slime bag. That’s what she deserves!
Closure? No it gets worse and worse and worse… She refuses to go away!
I know I am fucked and it’s over. And the only way I can get closure is from within and certainly not from her. She’s Satan! She is extremely good looking, very seductive and fifteen years younger. And “literally” sucks me back into her life every time. I’m so weak.
8 months later she still lives out of suitcase and refuses to remove the rest of her belongings from our house. Keeps making excuses to see and text me. Many of them ending in casual sex, a fight and bad feelings… It drives me crazy. One week she wants hugs and attention and to move back-in and still see “him” in an open relationship. And then if I stupidly agree she changes her mind and disappears. Then calls or shows up and tells me how much she misses me and “us.” And doesn’t understand why I’m upset?
She’s such an Asshole. 90 Days No Contact. I promise. Or as long as it takes to get over the fact that this woman is killing me and I will never win her back and should never accept her back because she will not change, will always have “him” in her business and personal life and the relationship has ended a long time ago…
Closure? I’m hoping to find it in me. The next 90 days should be interesting. Thanks Kevin for the tips and advice. To everyone out there: You are not alone. Good Luck!
What can I say, everything went wrong with me as with the other people commenting.
I started dating this girl back in 2012 and in the initial months I though we were only dating each other but she was screwing around with other guys, we were living in separate countries but it really hurt when I found out. I decided to forgive her because in my mind I told myself that thins were not crystal clear in terms of our relationship. However the trust was shaken to the core. I defined certain rules to get over this, no contact whatsoever with those guys again, no heavy drinking when I was not around and full disclosure of her whereabouts and with whom she was. Guess I became quite a control freak. We went through a honey moon phase, amazing trips together, plans, she was changing her life to move in me but step by step she stated to become agressive and we started to have arguments. I would not fully trust her and a couple of times caught her in small lies which lead to arguments. In september last year she moves back in with her parents and screws on of her friends. We still continued together but things became very sour between us. We were together over christmas and christmas evening she lied to me and spent the night with the same guy, I later found out. Now in january she goes for lunch and screws the bartender and then somebody from work one week later. We broke up right after I found out and in a very heated argument she admitted to the other guys. I was 8 days without contacting her and then we spoke because I thought it might help ease my pain. She is still in love with me but going out with the bartender (12 years younger than her), the whole conversation made me feel again terrible and gave me no closure, it did however give me strength to know that I will not speak with her ever again in my life. It is easier if you leave in different countries and dont have to cross paths again but the pain is still there. Being cheated on like this, so randomly, with so many people is very difficult to cope with. Your mind keeps going back and trying to figure out what you did wrong, if you were not good enough, etc. but in reality all it was is that she opted to cheat, why she did it is something she has to sort out on her own and probably has some messed up underlying issues. I have found this blog so useful in coping with everything, the daily exercises, etc. I do know I will come out of this a much stronger person and put all this baggage behind me to find true love. One day at a time, that is how I will get closure!
I want to hear how he could pursue me seriously for months. Then after I gave him a chance I find out he never left the girl he said he broke up with and in fact married her all while we were planning our future and planning for a baby. “I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.” I understand the statement but my mind still wants to hear the words come from him.
I go to my ex’s apartment, we drink tea, talk, and then, old feelings come back and we do it. After we do it, my ex ends up telling me how much he misses me and wants me back and how it’s all his fault for messing up. Basically, just expresses clearly how much he wants me back and how much it was all his fault for letting me go. But I leave anyway, telling him we are not meant to be together. It’s a little sad but I feel like I’ve won when I walk out.
I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
It so fucking hurts, someone i gave so much too, open to and trust just got cold on me and treated me so badly with lots of rejection, spite, cussing, and bad talking me with much of her friends. She dumped me when i found out what she did with other guys and how she was bad talking me with them. She never spoke about the great things i did for her, she never appreciated anything that i did for her, she was always unhappy, no matter how hard i tried to make her happy and feel accepted. She has so much of excuses and rational for her behavior. She says she love me even though she never showed it or said it. She says she found true love but she is not in love and she was not ready for the relationship i was ready to give her. Like what the fuck. I have lost so much self-esteem during the relationship and much more after it. When i have gotten over her, she contacts me to see how i am going and asks me for advise and help. It brings back feelings of hope that we can try again. these days i am starting to resent this person. And the more distance i get the more i want to have to do nothing with her. I just want to cry and fucking shout out loud cause even though i caught her i was patient and i forgave her for all the shit. She says she feels ashamed and has not forgiven herself and feels worthless and does not understand how i’m still talking to her. She says she is amazed. Its because i love you. What i want is for us both to give each other space to look at ourselves and become friends and start back dating. My mistake is that i made her a wife in my mind before even marrying her. I gave her my loyalty and faithfulness. And i was going for better or for worse with her to the end. And it hurts cause this the woman i saw i can take care of no matter the circumstances. Fuck Disney, that fairy tale prince treatment does not work. Held it down for 4 years with that shit, with no appreciation. Right now i’m just forcing myself into all kind of new shit i could not do and learning new things, like dancing, art, music, programming and creating a new image for myself. its amazing when we break up, i start to progress and do well and when we are together im stagnant spending alot of my time and resources (money) trying to make her happy. I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
We met when we were 12. We had our first child at 17. We married, he joined the military to support us and we started our lives together. He deployed, came home, and then our son was born. He was absent and we were “out of sight, out of mind”. We were growing apart because we were rarely together. I was bitter, he was distant. I begged him not to deploy a 3rd time because I knew our relationship couldn’t withstand another year apart, but, I’ve held on to this mustard seed of hope that soon enough, this will be over and we will finally have our life and our family together.
3 months into this deployment he meets her, virtually. They fall in love and he tells me, “I love her, she loves me. I want a divorce.” He tells me he’s finally found “the one”. We are divorced within a year. I’m 25, I’m divorced with 2 kids….. 7 years of marriage and 12 years together and I find out I was a placeholder.
I’ve done my absolute best to raise our kids and create an amazing life, but I cannot fill the void. When I was 12 years old I knew, I really knew, I had met my soulmate. Here I am, holding it all together for the kids while he moves away with his new love. My heart is broken. I had no idea I was supposed to be looking for “the one”. I master the ability to mask my pain and move on. 6 years divorced, we are getting along and have this divorce thing down. Then out of no where, he’s back. He validates all of my disheartened feelings and vows to alleviate the damage. He files for divorce and moves back. I cannot tell you the last time I have felt so complete and so much happiness– it’s as if our time apart was necessary to finally reach this place.
He traveled back to their place to get his things. We haven’t seen him since. It’s been almost a year. Every ounce of pain and abandonment comes flooding back. I hold it together for our kids who are equally as heartbroken. He never said he wasn’t coming back… Oh quite the contrary, he just never came back and we don’t know why. I’ve been divorced from this man for 8 years now. I still cry everyday, I still dream everyday (literally), and I still hope. As an extremely intelligent woman (degreed & careered) I don’t know what I’m holding on to. I pray every night for relief. I desperately want to move on with my life. I’ve wasted 18 years on someone who proves to me everyday that he does not value me and I can’t find closure. I just want to know……………..
“I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I seriously wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. Reading your story I felt like I was experiencing your pain. You deserve a man who will treat you right. What your ex did was terrible, you are the mother of his children. I hope you get the closure you need and can move on you really do deserve the best
Thank you so much Christine. I truly appreciate you kind and thoughtful words. He tells me he ‘loves’ me and we will always be a family (our kids are his only kids) and nothing can change that… I realize it’s true, we will always be connected, so what’s wrong with me? I feel that if I knew what is wrong with me and why he doesn’t truly love me then I can say, “ok, I get it, he doesn’t like my sense of humor… “. But I don’t have that. When he picks up the kids I try to ignore him but the chemistry (that magnetic feeling) is still there and he tells me he feels it too…. We get along so well…. We can talk for hours about anything…. We grew up together. I just feel so empty without him yet he’s such an awful person to me and our kids whom he only sees at convenience. He used to be a dedicated father, I digress. Now I’ll remind myself that “I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me.” I just need to find it.
I have to say that I disagree with the closure. The last guy I was with wasn’t necessarily a relationship but more a FWB. We got angry and both didn’t speak to eachother for months. I was really hurt and devastated. Before anyone lectures me on going into this kind of relationship..I felt I needed it in getting over a very bad incident that had happened to me. Yes I know it’s like a vicious circle hurt. Anyways 5 months after we stopped talking I was still crying and hurt so I messaged him. Yes he did respond but I never got a response back if he wanted to get together. No I didn’t mean for sex, but like coffee. In a way it did help me a bit to finally just “hear him” one last time. In all honesty I didn’t really want to even have coffee with him but the sight of him responding left a little relief in my body..I don’t know why maybe it’s a psychological thing
You are right Kevin, wanting closure is just another way of clinging, it is an unwise expectation that most certainly will make an already painful situation even worst.
He comes up to me at the bar and tells me he wants me back. I tell him that’s never gonna happen. I don’t want him back. he treated me terribly during and before the breakup. Our relationship was not working.
“I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me.”
I want my ex to tell me he was wrong about everything and that loosing me was a terrible mistake on his part and that he will regret it forever. This would not bring the closure that I seek because that can only come from within me.
Its been 2 years since i flirted with this girl and i really have loved her so much. She is a crush of mine that time. She was having trouble with her relationship that time thats why i was there for her and as time pass by i became inlove with her. I made a distance to her because he still have a bf and i tried to wait but suddenly i just saw her flirting or dating with his crush which hurt me so much and i tried to move on after and i really have moved on that time. So now i have been happy with my current relationship and then suddenly the image of her haunted me and made my current relationship miserable which i didnt really want to happen. The time i courted my current i know ive already moved on with this past girl which confuses me why she still haubts my mind. I just want to talk to her and make all things clear for i am hoping that this would give me closure and would help me fix my self and my current relationship. I love my current and i dont want this to be the reason for my current to leave me.
“I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me.”
I want to be able to talk to him. To talk things through and find out exactly what happened. What changed? I want to tell him i feel like it is my fault for pressuring him. I should not have mentioned anything. I just want to be with him again. But now that he did this to me, how could i ever forget that he just dumped me? If we got back together, how could i trust he wont do this to me again? I am feeling so many emotions right now just typing this..it is probably better i just stick to the no contact plan until the summer…my mind will have calmed down by then…and i can talk to him in a more peaceful state of mind. I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I was in a 6 month relationship. It didn’t end that great. He said a lot of things that was hurtful to push me away. I felt I took enough time to think this through. So I look at myself and realized too that I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend. So how could I blame him for everything when I contributed also. I took it upon myself to let him know that I understand where he was coming from and despite the breakup we still had good times and appreciate that. He actually thought it was a plea to get back with him. I’m not desperate. At first it felt like it had work I was feeling good and my day was great until he said “I hope u just don’t think things r pose to just pick back up where they left off just cause we talked today”. Totally didn’t understand that. You can’t reason with this type of person. It wasn’t about him…only me. I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
Thanx
hi,
my gf broke up with me a month ago. at the time she told me face to face and she tried explaining things. i was in shock so didnt take much in. the next day i emailed for a proper explanation and we swapped emails. i accepted her explanation. there has been no contact between us since.
Now the dust has settled a bit, I feel I never expressed my side of the relationship. All I did was read explanations from my ex thru a few emails. I feel this was very impersonal and I want a face to face honest talk with her now. Not to get her back or get angry, just to give me view on it all because I never got to do this. It was all from her perspective. I’m not sure if this is closure but more of a means of expressing how I felt during the relationship which I never did.
What advice have you for me?
Feel the same bud, even got to do speak face to face with her afterwards, but you never fully get to say everything, she won’t listen to it all anyway. Honestly I know it bloody sucks, but best to write it down to vent it out and either email it to her, but honestly don’t expect a reply or closure if you get one or forget it and move on. I know it’s hard, trust me I still have questions and things wanna say after mine, but gotta learn to let it go so it doesn’t sour next relationship. Closure will come from inside you, not from something that will happen outside.
I want to see that she doesn’t think about me at all. I want to see that she’s a different person than the person I fell in love with. And I want to know what happened from her perspective. But I admit that since she broke up with me over the phone, and since we never actually had a break-up fight, I want to unload all the feelings that I still have after a year. That would bring a lot of unnecessary unhappiness her way, but deep down, I’m so still so angry that I really don’t care. I’ve tried crying alone, but it just seems so stupid. I want to share my pain. Honestly, the perfect scenario for me would be a random encounter on the sidewalk. Then I could feel like it was meant to happen, and suggest that we should meet again and catch up.
I know that even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me.
i moved out of home with my ex boyfriend, we dated for 9 months. Long story short, he was on dating sites, said he wasn’t cheating but I was always suspicious he was.
I’m currently dating one of my old flames, and have done so for 4 months, and found out last week that I’m pregnant with his child. So excited!
But, I feel like I need closure from my ex boyfriend. We argued so much. I felt like he was cheating on me. His inbox was always full of dating site emails. I wonder if he actually didn’t cheat on me, and was telling the truth.
I need the closure of knowing if he cheated on me or not. He’s told me within the past few months that he doesn’t love me anymore, and didn’t when we broke up. But how does one go from being in love with someone one day, and out of love the next? What if he does love me now and wants to get back together? What do I do? But we don’t even talk. I’m so confused. Someone help.
This situation is really affecting my current relationship, plus it’s making things a lot more worse considering I’m pregnant now with my boyfriend!
I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
Even if you find out he was cheating, what good will it do? You’re lucky enough to have a new boyfriend and have a child with him. If he is a good guy and wants to raise the child with you honestly forget the other guy and concentrate on what you have now. If you don’t you may lose it, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
I was 7 years with my ex. We had a whole future planned out. She seemed very mature and ready for it. Suddenly a year ago she started panicking and thinking about how young she was and all the things she missed because of being in a relationship since she was 18. So eventually it lead to breaking up. It has been a month since the official breakup, but in reality we had broken up a long time ago. It has been difficult, very difficult. You don´t realise what you have until you lose it. But after this I have been through a mayor revival, I have matured in so many ways since breaking up, I stopped drinking (which was a major problem), I started exercising, I even started dating again. I feel happy and renewed. I feel whole and I have realised that there is life after all this. I am not going to lie to you, I miss her, I want to be with her, but life does not work like that. I won’t hold back thinking about her, this is MY LIFE and it belongs only to me, and it is up to me to make the best of it. If we are meant to be together we will be. It’s not up to fate, it’s up to both of us; but for that we need to be happy and whole as individual human beings. I am not living thinking about the future or the past, only the present. Nothing will give me closure, closure depends on only one person: me.
“Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I really am trying to overcome. He left me for another woman after six years and the last thing he said before “she” sent me a text about them having an affair for the last three months, was that he loved me and was planning our summer vacation… I am 43 years old and never ever doubted he was the love of my life.
He has two kids that I have known and loved for the past six years and now he doesn’t want me see them. So I feel like three people left me at once. Four months later I am still devastated and confused. I miss him and I miss the kids. He’s moved on, and although people tell me he is not happy in his new relationship, I don’t think he would ever consider to have me in his life again. I don’t seek him out, haven’t seen him for a long time, but bumped into him in the street, he still can’t look me in the eyes. So closure for me is really about time I think, because I know that nothing he can say will make me feel better, other than ‘I still love you’. He doesn’t, and that’s what hurts. Time I hope is on my side…just time.
We were both on the rebound, in love but on the rebound and i didnt think it clearly through either did she. She left, I didn’t care to start with, but realise now I loved her more than anyone else now she’s gone. Or maybe I want what I can’t have. I just want her to talk to me so we can both sort out our mess and see if we can start over having both healed.
I know even if this happens it will not give me closure,closure can only come from within.
After a year and a half of dating, my ex abruptly broke up with me 4 days before exams and graduation. It was completely out of the blue and not like him at all to do that. He gave the most cliché excuses and still wanted to stay friends and all. I was dying inside. We were slowly taking some distant before the break up because of school and exams and our busy lives preparing for the summer, but we had so many plans and adventures ahead of us and he threw it all away. I just wish that I could figure out why he chose to break up then and not later on, and why he lied for his reasoning. I just wish I could know if he is hurting too right now and feels terrible about what happened, however I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me.”
I am a Gay man, and i was not looking for anybody last year (2014). I was happy being single and being around my family and friends. Then i was introduced to somebody with the purpose of forming a friendship. This person i was not instantly attracted to “no love at first sight”. But as we got to know each other, it sort of happened- we fell in love. He had plans to emigrate out of the country though, because he wanted to join his best friend who emigrated to New Zealand years before and he always felt lonely since she left- but then i came along. I tried to see it as a casual fling. He was everything i wanted, and he talked about the uncertain future about whether he would be granted a visa. I always knew it would not last, but i clung to hope that he would change his mind now that he found me. Then i see another side to him, and after a very delicate and intimate moment he tells me “you do know if i go to NZ then a long distance relationship wont work”. I was very hurt and angry that he said that during such a deep affection moment. He did not end things though- i did! I walked away. I told him never to contact me ever again in the future. Two months passed, i got over him as best i could then out of the blue he contacts me- saying he is worried about me and still cares, but wants a friendship. Reason he contacted me- his visa was refused. I do not think he knows what he wants in life, I want answers, I want to know if him and his female best friend in NZ are actually more than “friends”, although he will never confess. Did he love me as much as he said he did? Did i make a complete fool out of myself? Does he, and did he, ever love me? I sort of wish he would come to my door and ask me out again with plans to stay in England. That would make me happy even though i do not love him now, but feelings could change like the seasons do.
I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me.
Randy W.
I had a three-month relationship. It was fantastic, we had wonderful communication. We were very compatible. One night she said she felt very uncomfortable because I had a lot of money saved and she had very little. She wanted to break up because of this. I thought we can work this out later on when it becomes relevant. A couple weeks later she emailed me that she lost her feelings for me. I went into shock because I fell for her hard, I was in love. At first I wanted closure but then I realized. Closure will have to come from within me! I get the feeling that true love will come to me someday.
Over the past three weeks, I’ve come to realize no matter now much I might want closure, it won’t help. It will be just as disappointing as the end of our relationship. We were together for five years. One night she tells me she’s been cheating on me, but it was a one-time thing. Over the next few weeks, she reveals it was a much longer two-month affair. Four months go by and she finally says she doesn’t love me anymore. I want an answer, but I am learning to settle without one. I am beginning to see hope that one day this emotional pain will be a distant memory, and I will be happy with someone else.
we have a swing out in front of the house that if we were to sit on I would ask her does she still love me and she reply either yes but not in the way that you think will keep us together or no and there’s nothing you can do to keep us together either way it would be direct and upfront and she would initiate the conversation “I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I was with the man of my dreams for 3 years. The only problem we had was that mu teenage daughter hated him which made it very hard to have family functions. It was a big problem though. I figured she would outgrow it but it never mattered because he ran into his ex wife he hadn’t seen in 20 years and they ended up in bed together. That in and of itself did not make me leave him. What did was the fact he told me he loved me and he was mine but after that day, he came home and said he loved her (after sleeping together once) I was so hurt I didn’t know what to do. He said he loved both of us but I said I wont come in second to anybody.
Problem is every single relationship I have ever had, including family has abandoned me. I have serious abandonment and rejection issues and he KNEW this. I figured if this kept happening over and over again with different people it must be my fault somehow. So I asked him why? What did I do. He kept saying I didn’t do anything that it was all him. That he wasn’t a good enough man for me. In the meantime the new girl kept posting online and tagging him to make sure I knew she was there and I lost. Bitch kept rubbing as much salt in the wound as possible. Which made everything worse. He is still saying he loves us both so I finally left for my own good but the feelings of rejection put me in a very bad way. I kept asking him what was wrong with me and it made everything so much worse to talk to him. Everytime he called saying he was worried about me, it hurt me more. Honestly, I think the situation with my daughter was the death of our relationship but I would never tell her that. I wish he could tell me why this keeps happening to me but I realize now that he can’t.
So I know now this will not give me closure. I need to find it within myself. I have already forgiven him. I always forgive everybody because the only person it hurts is yourself to carry that around.
Since the breakup my relationship with my daughter is better so maybe this was meant to happen and that’s my closure.
He went from telling me how good he felt when I was around to texting me that some personal issues had come up and he wouldn’t contact me much until they got figured out and has refused to see me since. He was still replying to my texts at first but now he won’t even do that. I was hoping that I would get to see him in person and get closure that way. I wanted to hear him tell me that he can’t be with me right now. I’m not looking for further explanation; I do believe what he’s told me and that it has nothing to do with anything that happened between us. But because it was such an unexpected ending I still think that a proper goodbye would help me accept this more and by seeing him I would be able to tell if he still has feelings for me or if these have just suddenly gone away as well. And a part of me likes to think that if he saw me then he would realize how much he still cares about me and that he was being a fool for pushing me away.
I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I thought i finally had the love of my life. He was what I’ve been looking for until The problems started occurring. I kept my past from him and lied about it. He was my future; why bring up the past? He became everything I didn’t want and more. The yelling, the name calling, the take backs, the humiliations. My self esteem is gone. I miss what I could’ve had with him. I know even if this happens. It will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me not from something outside.
After the breakup I kept hoping that she will come back. I was doubting myself. I was thinking all the time, playing scenarios in my head. I was feeling as if I needed her to be happy. Sometimes I was waiting for some action from her side which would gently close the chapter of us two. Make me accept it and look forward again. I was wrong. Fact is that I need to start valuing myself. You cannot love anyone unless you start loving yourself.
I was looking for a final talk to get closure. Now I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
My boyfriend broke up with me suddenly when everything was going great, saying that he does not want to be in a relationship with anyone and that he doesn’t care about me enough…still, he said he liked me a lot and would like to spend as much time with me as we did before. A month later while I was out of town and not seeing him but skyping him every day, he tells me he made out with another girl because he wanted to (out of the blue) despite him saying that he only likes me. I miss how secure he makes me feel and I miss our time together. I want him to tell me that he was wrong and feels how hurt I am and he sympathizes with me. I know even if this happens. It will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me not from something outside.
Sorry to hear that Anna, know it hurts now, but you sound a better person than him. He’s probably kissed the other girl as he’s trying to fill the hole left by you.
Apply the no contact rule, know it’s hard, but if you let love go and it comes back, you know it’s yours.
Alright ! I messed up big time. To cut the long story short, was seeing my girlfriend for past 2 years and so. She has been very loving, caring, affectionate and all the words you could use to appreciate her. I moved abroad after staying with her for 3 months. Somehow her love felt smoothering to me and i could not be myself. I tried to explain it to her but i kept on drifting and tried to end it. To not break her heart i ended up dragging it when she was the one doing all the work. 2 months ago i started seeing another girl and got engaged to her. Now i did a reality check and tried to get backto my ex, she supported me still. Eventually i was in two boats and couldnt decide and to not make things more complicated i told me ex no for the second time, which pushed me into a big guilt and she was broken again. Now i started to look for closure as the second time break was not clean rather ugly, which i deserved. She called me after 3 weeks of no contact and told me she was expecting me to call and close things properly and i was under the impression i would hurt her more by calling in no contact period. I started to look for forgiveness from her and what i realised that i need to forgive myself first before asking her. I asked her but she would not forgive me. But i am trying to find inner forgivness and have apologised. Forgiveness is a big step to move forward. Inner peace would lead to closure a pnd cant expect it to come from anyone else.
We broke up about a month and a half ago, I still can not fathom how she went from I wish I met you sooner, I can imagine marrying you, when we are old it will be so cute and I love you, to it’s not right and I think we’d be better as friends. All I did is ask her to do one thing for me, and then try and talk to her about it once she got upset, and I was upset when she made me a promise and let me down, and again I tried to explain my feelings and come to a compromise, but I’m made out to be the bad guy, because she left me, after I was so sweet and loving to her and compromised for her.
I’m now at a point where part of me wants her back because when we were together I was happy and we were in our own world of bliss and love. But the other sees she can’t communicate, can’t commit and doesn’t respect my feeling so how can you have a relationship like that? I don’t NEED her to be happy, but I WANT her for the good stuff, I just want her to want me back and be willing to communicate, commit and respect me.
I think I might be dreaming that would happen, but if not I need to remember closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside. I need to remember like everyone else in the same position as me, where you’ve been kind, sweet, generous, loving and she/he has dumped you, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER/HIM. We are the better people, despite their flaws we loved them good and bad and wanted to work on the relationship. So if they don’t want to, it’s THERE problem, not ours, they’ve lost out on us, NOT us on them.
The end started rather oddly. He was extremely upset by all the stress he is under. Then he got angry in front of his family (about six people) and told me that he was tired of always having to tell me what to do and that 19 years don’t have to be told what to do (I am 52). It upset me and since I was in a group of people I couldn’t tell him how I felt about that. I was hurt. Then when he saw that I was hurt and unhappy. He said your not happy and I am not dealing with it. He said he was done and was ordering me to leave in front of his family. He said go, actually I don’t care where you go just go. It was horrible. I was blindsided. I did not know he wanted to break up till that moment. But I know I am ok and I will learn and move on from this relationship. So, yes I did not get closure. I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
He cheated on me then dumped me. It’s been two weeks and he started dating the girl he cheated on me with the second he broke up with me. I’m not mad, just disappointed in how he handled the situation. I wanted for 9 months for him to come back from the army and he can’t wait for me to finish my Masters program (ends this year). He’s not thinking straight and I just want to talk to him to make sure he’s okay. No matter how hurt I feel meeting him will not give me closure. Closure with come from inside me not from something outside
i needed closure. we had a final talk three weeks after break up. inbetween we met regularly as we have mutual friends. we were also intimate. so i needed closure becaus SWB is not my thing. so we talked and i set boundaries. only friends and nothing more. so i had closure. i had to hear that it didnt mean anything to him the fact that we were intimate. he also suggested i should meet other people. so i got the closure i needed. i still think of him but i know he is no good. as friend yes that i can handle. but as a boyfriend its not such a good idea.
I find it very hard to not contact someone. I love very much.
This website has helped me a lot to realise that we were not compatible and much as i tried it was never going to. work out and my health work and happiness was starting to suffer.
I looked forward to the emails each evening and did the worksheets.
I admit i was wrong at times and hopefully i will learn from that.
I am actually quite happy now as not in an unhappy relationship.
Thank you. Kevin very much.
After a three-year relationship, he remarried his ex-wife. That’s all the closure I will ever need. He has attempted to contact me several times, but I have not and will never will speak to him again EVER because “I know that even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4.5 years. I don’t get where we went wrong. It’s hurts feeling this way after he just says “we’re done and this ends today”. It started off when he started acting differently and was distant from me. I didn’t want to pry so I acted as if everything was ok. He started giving me the cold shoulder, so I thought if I gave him some space he would come around. But that just made it worse and he broke up with me. I want to ask him what happened or what did I do… But I feel that if he doesn’t want me then I have no choice but to move on. I will try not to let his decisions affect me in the future. Thanks to this article I finally see what I need to do.
I want him to be truthful to me I want him to tell me exactly why he did what he did I need to know why he went about things the way he did when I was so willing to let things go I need to know why he led me on to believe that he still wanted to be with me I want him to tell me why he lied when all I wanted was the truth I need to know if I was the only one really in this relationship with genuine feelings I know that even if this happens it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me , not from something that will ce from outside
Things ended so abrubtly in my relationship. One minute we were planning a future together and the next he broke up with me and said that he didn’t see me in his future. I want to know what happened so I can give up hope that it was all a mistake and we will work things out.
I know that even if this happens it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
We had an amazing relationship. At points he would fiercely defend our chances of staying together even though I was moving to a different State.
It took me a while to buy into it, but by the end I was fully in love. For the first time in my life. Right after a depression that he helped me pull out of. There is no other wait to put it: he made me happier than I’d even been before.
When I left, I missed him more than anything. But he started pulling put. At first it was subtle. It would be slightly hard to fill a long phone conversation, or to keep track of each other’s daily lives.
In the last few weeks, his withdrawal escalated dramatically. Not only was he not sending any letters back-he never did-to my stream of flowers, chocolates, even his favorite takeout soup when he was sick; it was virtually impossible for us to talk on the phone, let alone FaceTime or doing anything together remotely. When I mentioned my use of a future with him as a coping mechanism, he made it very clear he didn’t feel the same way.
A week later, he broke up with me without a warning. On FaceTime. While I was at a public place. AT WORK. I became very confused. Asking myself what went wrong, how did I not notice it, and how could he do this two weeks before seeing me in person.
So all I wanted to do was to get the information from him. I sent him letters.
Long, thoughtful, honest and involved letters. Nothing.
I asked to see him when I was visiting. Nothing. Upon insistence, he said “he was sorry I was upset.” And agreed to chat with me while making clear he needed time for himself.
At this point I was still thinking it would give me closure. That I would suddenly gain this amazing understanding of what went wrong. Of what he was feeling. How could I get that from him after breaking up, when it was hard to get him to talk to me at all when we were still together.
I know now that I only wanted to see him “one last time.” His handsome face that I’m still in love with and makes me cry. I know even if this happens, it will not get me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
Okay, He left about 2 months ago, he left out of the blue. One day he just took forever to respond to my texts and calls and from one day to the other , he stopped altogether. I want an explanation as to why he left. I’m left clueless as to why he would. I’m hoping that closure will come from inside of me and not from something that will happen outside..
I was in a on and off relationship with an older man. He was taking with a much younger girl from another country on line since two weeks before I met him. I found out about her last November. I think that was the start of when he was falling for her. He and I were very close, both very attached. We broke up in June and started seeing each other again in August. Recently I found receipts of thousands of dollar worth of gifts including a 3 caret diamond ring he gave her while we were broken up. When I confronted him, he said it was a promise ring, a promise to take car of her. I became enraged. I cried, slapped him on the legs and he said he could not believed I snooped and to get the hell out and don’t come back. He never apologize, I did for snooping and carrying on that day we broke up. I haven’t heard from him and it’s been 2 weeks. I sad and full of all the emotions of betrayal. I feel guilty for not being a lady and fir snooping. But I still want closure and for him to tell me the truth.
We’d been going out for just over a month. I’m 23 and all my life I’ve wanted a relationship but I’ve only experienced heart-break so far. This was my longest relationship yet and it made me incredibly happy. I did everything in my power to make the relationship work and as far as I knew everything was excellent. I doted on her constantly without being suffocating. For example, bringing her and her mum chocolate waffles before a date (because I know her mum will complain that she doesn’t have food). Or giving her a lift home from a night out despite her living on the other side of town. The truth is that we are both kind-hearted, pleasant people that were able to resolve arguments easily and peacefully, and communicate very well (at least I thought so up until now). She told me today that she needs to be alone because she has still not gotten over the fact that her ex of 2 years cheated on her (which happened a few months ago). I still don’t really understand her decision as she said she only came to it that morning and I get the feeling that her mum (who has severe mental health issues and is toxic and needy towards her daughter) pushed her into the decision. She asked me if I would want to try getting back together in a few months but I said no, even though I wanted to say yes. I’ve deleted every last memory of her from my phone and computer as I know I would obsess and pine over all the memories I have of her from this short relationship. I’ve cut all communications and deleted her number just to prevent myself relapsing. But I’m still struggling to come to terms with her seemingly rash decision and I’m particularly upset that she did this to me just before my exams (which she knows are so important to me). I have struggled with anxiety and depression and I was actually suicidal a few months ago because I reached a low point of loneliness, but it all seemed to come good once I was in this relationship. Now I don’t know where I stand or what I want to do. I guess I’m hoping that it was all a mistake and that she rushes over to my place to apologise but I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
Thanks for listening
We were LDR for about a year. After few months of not seeing each other, struggling with unsuccessful fight for getting visa for him, I went for a visit.
I came, he took me to meet his whole family, to make connection with his daughter, dog, friends. He gave me whole accesses to his company, allow me to drive his car. He was carrying, loving, spending all the time with me. Telling me how much he loves me, respects me, how faithful he is, and how important it is for him, he was making our plans together to within year time we’ll live together, have child, he even proposed to me…
One day I found something suspicious -he was sweet talking with a girl while I was there. Just before my leaving to go back home I went through his phone… he was sweet talking several girls, sex talking too, they were sending him naked pictures, and worst he was hanging out with that girl (some young one) for few weeks already and according to messages it’s obvious that they had sex and last time was just 2 days before my coming. And when I was there he was writing her he’s missing her,his thing is missing her to and he wants to be besides her.
When I delicate ask he denied everything.
For about 2-3 weeks I was trying to handle it. I tried to talk about it with his friend, but then my ex saw that conversation and went how could I go behind his back and try to make his friend to spy on him. There I’ve finally admitted what I saw in his phone.
He got angry and it was over.
I wanted to hear he’s sorry. Why it happened, how many times, with how many? And why did he was telling all that? Why he made me come, spend energy, money etc? For what he involved family? Why he was saying all that, making plans?
I feel betrayed, used, naive… he wanted a doctor(position), whitey, good naive woman who loves him and will help him get out and send money when he needs.
I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
She tells me she’s pregnant on April fools day 2014 . my reaction ohhh fuck a baby¿ what do you wanna do baby girl? Oh please , I’m having this baby I want it I need it. I say ok then I’m gonna do right by you . this is after 2 months of innocent dating eatchother her 19 and I 29 wasn’t to be taken very seriously by me at the time. But shit I suddenly become a better man and then we find out its twins at her 3 months point she just becomes distant blames hormones . whatever idk . I’m awesome this girl was googly eyes at me since day one I was her Jim Morrison to Pam. And she was slowly becoming my idol now 3 !months in she starts to blame my feelings of doubt because I said ohh shit a baby. She says she needs space .that a baby was a blessing. I agreed but said I have never been in this situation and want to support her it was just a big change of my self perspected future now I am worried about the children inside of her and her I knew she had problems in past with drinking and promiscuity even cutting witch I didn’t understand .well I was playing it cool 2 weeks later she called begging to stay the night at my place.of course I ablidged her request. I figured she missed me but I just started to pour out my heart to her how I almost got over it and once I do that it is always some for good. And that I started to obsess over her and the kids safety and location. So anyway we made up that night and we cruised straight on through to the day the boys were born 7 months later neither of us were really the mushy gushy lovey dover type more the joke making antagonistic person you hate to love but it worked the boys came they were beautiful we both commented lovely worrds and posted pics of our lovely birthing experience that took 4 days at the hospital with twins. Once we got home everything changed I aimed to please working full time and staying up late into the night doing feedings . not to mention our sex was fire we even managed to do it in the hospital before the seasection I loved her pregnant body she was and Angel. My little girl now she had become. Anyway back to home from the hospital .I had left my work cell phone home one day and it had a later alarm set to it . I also had a personal cell on me. Well this must have been the main turning point she had gone to turn off the alarm on the bat line phone I never put a lock on but had some selfies I had sent a girl harmlessly during her pregnancy I never cheated but during her doubtful time I became obsessed with her being with other dudes with my children inside her I began chatting with one or two ladies to ease the pain . anyway she let me know of this by leaving a long detailed not by where my phone was. I knew I was caught . the note was asking me to make it right to stand up and be a real man. Wow she was going to let me mend this . I really really felt a strong sense of loyalty for her and obviously got someone to watch the kids and took her for some gifts and long apologies that I was scared and I truly love her . before I knew it I was telling her why I love her and it was beautiful telling her where I see us and our family in the future I vowed that her forgiveness would not be in vein and I would at any moment take a bullet for her or the children. Sadly I still would . things coasted for another month I was so busy with work and feedings and finally sex again after the you know what . it was great . but I had become comp!etely consumed in a job I hated and a life I didn’t plan but heck she deserved it . one night she asked may I go out with a friend and you watch the boys of course I said. Something was off. I wanted to check her phone and whispered that into her ear she said I was crazy and her friend finished her makeup and they continued out for the evening. I knew something was up. So I texted her I hope you twoo drive off a bridge. She had returned in minutes I believe she was shocked at my words because I had never said anything huertfull to her prior to that . she bumbkes back into the room punching me hitting me and her and her friend make me leave. Whatever a night off I figure. Later that night she texted me she was sorry . that she was up to no good and if I had seen her phone there would have been text from a guy they were meeting to party with. I knew this but it was just validated. I think she liked being pursued by anyone. Well anyway I was totally invested in her and us and I said it’s OK and whent right back to her the next night. That same instance occurred twice more before I called dyfuss on her for hitting me in front of the kids. Total separation now. No contact until court and parenting agreement . that lasted two weeks I was broken I couldn’t stop thinking about her she was my angel she had become everything I wanted in a woman. After we reconnected the night of court I obviously am renting a separate apartment at this time I asked if she had been with anyone. And wow she fucking admitted to it. This was shocking because she at least always illuded the truth in the past or lied straight up. But now she had gone out with friends and made out with a guy at a club . OK I hate pda especially in a place where I’m well known at and she’s not even old enough to be drinking she’s 20 at the time. I still say damn baby girl its OK I love you and we are going to be a family. But at this point I haven’t seen her and the kids together in quite some time . she was always busy and would only have an hour here or there to go eat or have sex at my place. But never bringing the boys. This was odd because I !missed this most all of us just laying in one of our huge beds giggling and cuddled up . it was safe. And I adored watching her be a mom . but hey In the courts eyes we were single and I had my own visitation with the boys and child support to pay. Not much a little over a hundred dollars a week . little did I lkmow that this was giving her power the mo ey she got. The full time single mom duties . anyways she began to be very distant cold like. But we always wound up in my bed 3-4 times a week. And it was great. My apartment burned down and I was given a DUI while sleeping in my car after drinking on a night she had me waiting for her to cancel on me. I was banished back to my mother’s and only could ride a bycicle. Still this my mom lived even closer to her and the boys then I did the same mabe. Anyways she appeared at my moms a few times after the fire . only when I would take her to her favorite restaurants but eluding at the fact that we were going to make this work. And I was glad to see her finally stand by me. Then came her 21st birthday . I went out to a club to meet her ßhe had been drinking I was OK with it and joined in the festivities there were a lot of guys there they all knew her I have never met any of them before but didn’t think much of it. But ever 4 minutes or so they would approach her by name and say hey when we chillen or whatever till she obviously had to say um I’m with my boyfriend and father to my kids. We left but I could see her kinda resent me that I was there . since it was her 21st her parents were watching the twins over night and I was in heaven finally going to have my angel for a whole might to hold and love. But she was distant and I could tell again her phone was vibrating under her side and pillow late into the night . I opted to look into it she ubruptly awoken and said she wouldn’t and walked home. I chased her begging . confessing my love repeatedly until I grabbed the phone from her hand and ran back into my house she was drunk and I’m sure just wanted to leave. I wish I never saw what I had seen . the whole time I thought I was the only one she had been talking dating and even having thressomes with a variety of dudes. Wtf??? Her mother drover her to pick up her phone later that morning as it was my visit day with the boys .she cursed me and said she wasn’t bringing them. Well I was hurt to say the least but I knew she had to honor the visit. I acted concerned for her at the time I dropped the boys off to her. She said we were done and that it had gone to far. I almost remember vaguely saying that she knows I couldn’t forgive her for that . but truth is I would of. I wanted my family . anyway we spoke very briefly for the next week or so then bam she suspended my visitation and then silence. I called I cried I left vm text . nothing. I begged her mother to let me know what was going on with the kids . I convinced myself she was a narcissist and that love and hate to her were one in the sàme. So after 2 weeks of my wighning I decided to go no contact. I hated her. It hit me that she was not the pure little angelic mother I imagined her to be. But boy the thoughts . I couldn’t stop I still loved her I still obsessed over true love and fate and every other non realist view there was. Well I went no contact started reading about love lost I found you . your emails were helpful also helpful was my ability to enjoy my self for once. But man I still wanted her and my kids all together under one roof. But I didn’t budge in knowing that closure would only come from me and I was responsible for it. She called after 2 !onths of no contact . what call this was. She had to tell me because the courts demand that the co parents know where each other reside and here how the call whent 2 days before my 29th birthday today. Hey whats up. Um hi I! Required to tell you by law I moved . well me and the boys . I asked where to. She replied with the town name . a very ritsy neighborhood at that . I told her I had a feeling. She was shocked and asked how I told her I’m in touch with universe and my feelings. She presided to tell me that her boyfriend rented a house there her exact words were he makes a lot of money . my heart sank . I broke down on the phone a broken and beaten man .how could she have a boyfriend ? Or even who is this this guy to desperately !oive in an average looking girl with two of some other guys kids. Then it hit me. That phone call the way she stated it. She hadn’t said . I met a great guy he’s so good to me and our children I! Great full for him .no she was condicendomg and obviously trying to hurt me weather or not she moved in. It all proved she is a bad person and I may have children with her but you have showed me I don’t need to be controlled by her abuse and my emotions anymore the thoughts the obsessing the fate the true love all left I saw her for what she was. And opertunistic rude little confused girl. I feel bad for her she will never achieve anything on her own and probably destroy that poor guys life. Today I worry about me and my kids when there with me I can’t control anything else. I needed to share this . because she never has once said she missed me we never ran across a room into one another’s embrace . she probably never even loved me . I was able to provide her with so!ething . but this girl had me at one point and she is not even physically top 5 for me not to mention this all happened over a spand of 2 years but at one point this was the deepest !ost pain and feelings I have ever felt for someone I got consumed with the pain . I a! In therapy but nothing was as good as the calm that came over me 10 minutes after the last call from her. I will somepne who deserves it so happy and that person is me.
Hi Kevin,
Thank you! It’s been very rough since March 30th 2008. We broke up probably once a month since then and got back together every single time until a week ago. We’ve gone up to 2.5 months no contact before but came right back to our old ways. We’re both in our 30’s too old for the on & off and especially not for 7.5 years. Its been the worst time of my life, personally. It was abusive in many ways, awful. Needless to say this is a man I need to stay away from for good.
I wish I could call him now and he’d tell me to come over. He would hold me and kiss me and we’d have an adult conversation and magically go our separate ways in the morning. Of course, I’ve literally tried this scenario dozens of times and of course it hasn’t worked BECAUSE…….“I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
Good luck to all of you. It’s great to know I’m not alone, at all.
I dont want a closure anymore !!! Because i know his answers will never satisfy me !! I have realised that he cannot love me !!
So i’ll try to live my life and get closure frm inside !! Rather then asking him for closer
Found out a month ago that for the last two years (of our twenty year marriage) he’s been spending thousands of dollars each month on online, interactive porn; hookers; and threesomes. I knew something was wrong but couldn’t put my finger on it. When I first found out I thought that was it. Turns out it was just the tip of the iceberg. I moved out and am staying with a friend. I filed for divorce. I went over to our house (where he still lives) on Saturday and we talked for a while. But then he had to leave to go to the bar. Did I mention he’s an alcoholic? I stayed in the house for awhile and cried. I realized that I was missing my house and the life I thought I had, not him. The pain is still raw and the betrayal is still surprising (why didn’t he just leave when he knew he wasn’t “in” the marriage any longer) but I know that closure for me will come from my accepting this new reality and moving on with my life.
Thanks for your REALLY helpful programme, Kevin!
I had a ‘perfect’ one year relationship and came to realise we both had very different wants, needs and visions for the relationship. I really believed in the relationship and felt I would have closure if we got back together. I also value communication, so I felt talking about things would help as an alternative. Well, we haven’t got back together and we haven’t been in contact for a couple of weeks now. I now realise that, even if we were to rekindle something or talk about things, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
4 weeks ago I ended a 19 year relationship with a controlling, cheating narcissist with mental health and alcohol issues. I would prefer to do no contact but we have a 5 year old daughter. Every time I meet him our relationship is raised. It screwing with my head.
I want to know if our whole relationship was a lie? Was I right when I suspected him of cheating & raised it with him? Why can’t he be truthful so we can have a positive friendship for our daughter’s sake?
The reality is if his always lied, why would he change now the relationship is over
Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I only dates him for too months. We both had heavy life issues get in our way. It got too hard. He became too unavailable and unreliable. I tried to address it with compassion. It didn’t work, we called it off. He wants to still do dinners and be friends. For me the hope of us being together is too strong. I can’t do it.
We were together 18 months. A 19 year age gap and 4 children combined. Mine young, his teens. I loved him, and still do. I loved his children and still do. He could never tell me he loved me. That I was beautiful. Basically nothing. He did show affection. Still, I was incredibly in love. I walked out as he said I could never have a dog ( the dog was a metaphor for control and choice). We met to work things out but He ended us as he didn’t see my young children in his future. We had never spoken of this being an issue. Ever.
He actually could not speak to me about any issues we or I had. It was always just me ‘ being a bit silly’. I am yet to collect my things from his place. I want so bad,y to see him one more time. Even to see his children as we had a very close relationship. But I understand this will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
Hey,
So I was with a man for about a year and a half. We’ve always had a rocky relationship but the Sparks have never died and our passion is unexplainable. However, before I could become anymore serious with him( we were living together at the time), I wanted him to take interest in my career and job as a model. We had spoken about it before, him coming to my events, and for a while he did.. But then one night in particular he said he’d be coming with some of his pals to my event and I was so excited, he had never brought anyone else with him before. And so the night ended and well there was no sign of him.. Called… Nothing. I partied the night away, drinks getting bought left and right, and I had met some amazing people for my image that night. Still, I was being asked where my man was. I was sad he didn’t show up. At the time more so devastated because it was actually a really big break for me but once more he wasn’t there(just like when I got signed at an agency)…. So I go to his apt the next morning (I stayed out at a friends the night before), and I’m just fuming with rage, because when I asked him why he didn’t show… He said it was because he was sleeping…that wasn’t the first time. And I let my words get the best of me and told him “I think we should break up” then gave him a kiss on the cheek and left
A month after I ended things he proposes to an ex before me, and now he lives with her.
At the time it felt like the right thing to do but now I’m going crazy. I can’t sleep, dreams about him, Every man I date doesn’t compare and I’m just lost. I know this form is more so for men… But hey, I’ve read “how to get your ex back– the chick addition” and this all sounds very similar. Please leave me with some of your wisdom. I miss my man and I wish I hadn’t let him go.
I just want the truth. I want him to take responsibility for our break up. I want to hear out of his mouth that it wasn’t me and it was him. He blamed me and said I was a distraction and that I stressed him out but that was his only way out. He just wants to experience being single again no matter how much he says he loves me and how could he think of me as so weak. He knows how strong I am. He can tell me anything as long as it’s the truth. I’m not sure if he cares what he says will hurt me, I just think he wants to hold on so I don’t let go. He wants me to let go so it’s more than fair that he does the same. He hasn’t let go. He leans on me even still to this day to lick his wounds of my absence from him, from my own pain that he has caused and from the guilt that eats at him. I want him to feel. I want him to know that there’s no holding on or going back. I want him to take responsibility of my pain and his guilt and stop putting it on me. Ik even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I loved her. She was my first real relationship, and of course she was the first girl I ever had sex with, and of course loved. We were good till I realized that she, this wasn’t her first real relationship, didn’t love me back. She got distant and bored, and eventually (I assume, but have no evidence other than circumstancial) cheated. I had to call it off. It was time, I knew it and she definitely did too. In the end I was the one who ended it, because I am still man enough to realize that there are times when, no matter how bad it hurts, you have a job to do. I had time to prepare for it, but it hit me like a lead pipe nonetheless. The sorrow the loneliness, the new drive and determination to better myself, all these new emotions that make me feel old, hollow and depressed, they are extremely intense. I’m getting through with my family, my two best friends and music, creating my own and listening to other musicians. Still though, in the back of my mind is the nagging feeling that she wasn’t loyal and I need the confirmation of this, or that I made mistakes I can’t see that could be avoided in future relationships. The only logical end to both those threads of thinking are to see her one more time and talk, to smell her perfume and watch the sun shimmer on her hair, but that will never happen. I won’t receive closure to gaze upon her hips once more, or see a smile dance on her lips. It hurts more than any emotion before it, but this heartbreak will not break me. I am too strong of a man. I will move on.
15 years! Obviously the vows we took meant way more to me than to him. It’s only been two weeks since I packed him up and shipped him out, you can have her if she’s worth 15 years and your family! I can’t stop playing the “what happened”, the “why”, and the “how could you” Senerios in my head , but I know deep down there isn’t anything he could say to justify his actions. Although I am heartbroken at this moment especially being Christmas time and he’s probably spending it with her and her children. Yes I’m angry! I’m hurt! I’m sad! I’m also strong! Courageous! Powerful! And GOD will give me no more than I can bear. My blessings are coming, had to move the wrong things out to let the right things in. Even if he did try to explain or justify > “I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
We were together for just about 3 years .. a year ago we seperated; 5 days after buying a house together. She wanted the house and paid me out of my half and lived in house for 2 months ( she stayed at old place ) and i bought another place 6 weeks later she wanted me back but instead of dating; discussing what was wrong in our relationship we went right back into the bad relationship we had just months before .. I didnt trust her because i never knew the reason we broke up in the first place so my ” backminded ” mistrust, flowed out in out interactions daily only to lead to another breakup just 2 months ago .. If we would of taken things slow,, I think we could have seen a clearer picture on the whole relationship .. I do love her ( im 50 and her 53 ) and want her in my life .. I cant do anything about the breakup and will not contact her but will answer any texts she sends but keep it polite, short and positive .. she texts me and says shes having low points but never does it escalate to gettting back together .. she now cannot afford to live in the big 5 bedroom house and her health issues are climbing ( type 1 diabetic for over 30 year , takes 8 pills a day for heart condition, high blood pressure etc .. and been on high anxiety/depression pills for bout 6 years ) I feel that since i have no health issues and make alot of money; that i want/need to look after her and want to show her that .. but again ; this is out of my control right now ..“I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
It’s been less than a week And I’m driving myself crazy thinking of all the reasons why he won’t try to talk to me again. I feel like it’s because I’m so much younger than he is and he think it will never workout, that I’m uninteresting compared to all of the great things he’s accomplished in his years ahead of me..and I let myself be open to manipulation by sleeping with him and becoming emotionally attached..and even thought he told me some sweet things, and I want to believe he meant them, I feel like he really never wanted anything from me but sex. I’m so hurt. And I want to ask him about it so badly. I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I’m glad he hasn’t tried to contact me this time. After our first breakup or whatever he contacted me and wanted to fix things because he knew he messed up. He told me he was done with this other girl and I have him another chance. Things were going so well and then the girl tried to squeeze her way back in, and regardless of him saying that it wasn’t him choosing her or me, it was. Even if he didn’t think that was the case and the fact that she threatened me and he still ended things with me to “protect me” and so when he left the country I wouldn’t get hurt, he in fact did choose her.
I keep imagining him trying to reach out to me and me just telling him to F off. I deleted him from everything so even if he tried, I probably would have no clue who the person was, who was trying to contact me. He knows I don’t want anything to do with him ever again, but I guess a part of me is still mad and wants to hurt him like he hurt me. It won’t actually happen and I’m glad because I don’t want to be angry anymore. I just want to be happy with where I am and let go of him.
Hey Kevin, I was an adopted child and began my search for my biological parents in 1976. My journey lead me all over the country and every time I got my question answered, it created and ask ten more. It finally lead me to a town in west Alabama where I felt the most peace I had ever felt in my entire life. So I had accepted that my 31 years of searching was over and finally felt like this place was home. (even though I knew no one) So comparing this story to your article, its very much has the same similarities. With her she told me that she didn’t love me, after she told me many times before. I accept that if I ask one more question, my mind will create ten more. I really don’t want to even know the answer to my last question. By not knowing, it will end the viscous cycle and the over thought of why all this happened. I never gave this woman a reason to not love me and probably bent my schedule to make here life easier. Being a giver is not always easy, some people take advantage of you. Thank you Kevin, I have really enjoyed learning through this program, and it will make me sad when it ends.
I meet him online, after few days texting we share our cell phone we start texting and few days later we meet for coffee, I feel great connection and he said he feel same way ..that same day we planned to go to watch a movie and few days later we had what we consider a first date, then we start talking and texting.. He let me know he preferred talking that texting, he wasn’t that much into the texting thing. My only complaint was about how little time we share..one day he told me that he was done with the dating scene because he just don’t understand how to do it right.in an attempt to make thing more easy for both of us I suggest to became friends with benefits… But with exclusivity .he said that looks like dating for him but he agree , he ask if is possible to catch feelings I said yes and we agree to try.he request that every time we talk by phone or text never leave without said “I love you” and we talk about the difference between “l love you ” and fall in love.after that day for around two months was the way we act…we kiss each other we spend time together… We never had sex for what we really never been on a true friends with benefits relationship.he went away because family problems and all the time we talked about the time we going to share at his return… When he returns we see each other that same day and two days later he show up in my work place..I was super happy and he looks same way, we talked about see each other Saturday I ask than if he can’t make that happen let me know that way I will be not waiting ..he call me late and don’t mention about our plans…then I get a little frustrated and told him about it . he told me I was acting like if we are dating and that we are just trying to be friends with benefits.. In that moment I realize that I already start catching feelings.. I get some confuse. I try to explain him how I feel , I said that all the kisses and hugs confused me then he said ” OK if that confused you let’s stop talking that way” I ask what about see other people he said we agree. Don’t but let’s change that too. I try to explain him that a real friend with benefits relationship was cold and distant and that I don’t like things happen in that way, them he said that he just don’t know what I want. The most I try to explain my feelings the most I expose myself as a crazy woman. I text two days later ” I really miss you” he answers was ” than you but I believe we agree don’t use such expressions any more” later I find some articles about haw hard is to keep relationship on this moders days…and send that to him. He texm me back and ask if is any especific reason to send that to him. I explained that I feel that way sometimes..he said that that don’t aplica to him and that he wish luck to me for whatever I’m looking for….I said love I just looking for love, what are you looking for? I ask and he said not looking if that happens just happens ” we talk by phone and agree to talk in person and try to start again without expectations or rules. He told me he will call this morning but until now he don’t. Maybe we going to talk maybe he never will call, but ” closure will came from inside me and not from outside”
I just found out that my boyfriend of one and a half year has had a serious relationship for 2 years before we even met. That’s a total of 4 years he’s been with her. They are almost living together. He sleeps at her place almost every night.
How could I not have seen all the signs of this???
I did see some texts here and there but he somehow convinced me that they were just from a random girl he cheated with and he stopped after I found out.
Only God could have prepared me for this revelation I made after recently seeing some more texts from the same girl. I then did some investigation and contacted her on fb. She told me the whole story with manyyy pictures to prove it.
I am so heartbroken and devastated. This is the first man I ever loved. First time I ever experienced true love only to find out it was all a lie for him.
I am still so angry! Most days I just wanna curse him to let it all out. I have sent him quite a few long messages expressing my pain and how cruel he was.
The girl has forgiven him and decided to stay with him. And recently he has started trying to talk to me again like he wants to tell me more lies to make up with me too.
But there is nothing he can say to make this better or justify how he hurt me.
This is the worst kind of hurt! It’s worst than finding out your partner cheated ON you!.
All this time I thought we were serious and he really loved me only to find out he was actually cheating on someone WITH me. I was so blind and stupid!
Anyway after finding out the girl has made it up with him. I sent him a final goodbye text which shattered my heart to even type the words. But it had to be done. I need a husband and a family, I cannot accept being a man’s side dish.
It is at this point after the final goodbye that I am feeling most empty, that I can’t survive this!
I am yearning for just one more time together with him. Yes I want to look in his eye one last time. I want to have sex with him one last time. I don’t want to see him for any explanations because there is none. But I just need to see him. This hurts soooooo bad!
Deep down I know that even if this happens it will not give me closure because closure comes from within.
God help me!
Even though I left him, I want closure. Leaving him was a decision I took because he made me feel the loneliest as I’ve never felt before. Every three months we speak, it turns into an argument. The same argument that I had with him when we were together. I’m tired of that. All I want to do now, is speak to him as a human being but, I know it will get ugly on his behalf. All I want to do is for him to listen to me as a human being and let the grudges go. I have moved on and so is he. I’m totally fine with that. But knowing that a person that I loved a cared for resents me for mistakes that we both did, hurts me. I wish he can have an open mind and finally realizing why I truly left this relationship. He always blames me of walking away, knowing that he had part of it. I want him to understand why it didn’t work out but I know he won’t. I want closure for my sake so that I can finally say that no human being hates me for my silly mistakes. “I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I really don’t understand how my ex can go from saying he wants to move in with me, and starting out by saying how much he likes me to saying that he can feel it in his gut it’s not right. I don’t understand why he didn’t even want to try. There is a part of me that really wishes he would say he made a mistake, and he’d like to try again. But I know deep down we weren’t suited for each other, both of us were lonely and looking for the wrong thing and co-dependent. Him saying let’s try again is not only unlikely to happen but would be bad for both of us. I’m also angry as he says that he wants to be friends, but I’ve a sneaky feeling that’s because we had a financial arrangement to sort out, I think he’s trying to be nice, and I’d like him to be honest. Even if he is honest, I know that’ll just make me angry too… so it’s better to stay away for now until the dust settles. So I know even if this happens, and he gives me honestly and explanations it won’t work, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I had a girlfriend. She was pretty and she loved me. But I fell for another girl and dumped her. I had tremendous guilt of dumping her.
Meanwhile I decided to give all 100% in this new relationship and be serious and ensure I do not repeat what I did earlier to my 1st ex.
But Karma hit me. This new girl dumped me and I was all alone. I felt how it must ve been for my 1st ex girlfriend to suffer all this.
I tried contacting her back but I realised I have forever lost her.
I never fullt got an opportunity to express myself to her why I wanted her back. And what she means to me.
I just want to tell her how jackass I was and to not give up on me and just give me another chance.
I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
After reading many comments I still want to hear from him what changed after nearly 3 years. He was the most loving adoring person to me until the end. He told me he hung on to be sure he was doing the right thing by leaving me, but he never told me what I did or didn’t do to make our relationship bad for him, He refuses to communicate. If for no other reason it would be nice to know what was so horrible about me so that I can be aware in future relationships. We rarely argued and we were good to each other. I still think I would feel better if I knew what he has been thinking about me/us, good or bad..
Closure will come from inside me not from anything from him.
there’s this guy whom I have relationship with for 3yrs now. He’s married and I am too. I know from the start the it was wrong but when he confessed his feelings for me, i realized that i also have feelings for him. I love him and he loves me (so i thought). When his wife knew about me, she started bombarding me with hurtful words. I know she has all the right to do that but it hurts so much. There are things his wife says that are opposite to what he says. When i try to ask him about it he would tell me and her wife was just making it all up. I loved him so much that i endured all those attacks from her wife. I can’t seem to let go of him. I swallowed all the insults and everything until his wife sends me loads of messages for days that i can’t take it anymore. I try to reach out to him seeking comfort but he just stayed silent and i texted him, he won’t reply. I sent him one last message telling him i dont understand his reasons but I am willing to let him go if he just can’t break up with me eventhough he wants to go back to his wife. Everything he said is opposite to what the wife said and i don’t know who to believe. He would normally tell me to trust him and that he loves me so much. Since that time we have not talked. I changed my number. He has not contacted me for a week now. There’s so many unanswered questions in my mind. I want to talk to him one last time but am afraid to get rejected.
So I know even if this happens, and he gives me honestly and explanations it won’t work, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I am currently studying abroad in a 3 and a half month program. I thought everything was great between my boyfriend and I. We talked when we could, and had plans for him to visit half way through. When that point came he had been distant and not seeming to want to talk as much. But I figured once we see eachother it will all be fine. But it was the opposite. When he got here I felt invisible. I was trying so hard just to look beautiful for him or to have him say he loved me as much as he used to. I tried confronting him and he brushed it off like nothing was wrong but said he was worried about our future. Then one day I couldn’t take feeling the way I did anymore I needed real answers. I went on his computer and saw he had been sexting multiple girls his ex included. He even told his ex I would never compare to her. In shock I packed all his stuff while he was gone and when he returned I told him to get out. It’s been over a month and I’ve been trying to focus on myself as much as I can. But my mind is still trying so hard to understand why it all changed so fast. I don’t feel good about myself like I want to. And now I received a text saying he had cheated on me months before I had left. I don’t know what to think or do. I want to know if that is true. I want to understand why he did it. I want to feel free from all of these thoughts. But …“I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I fell in love with someone 18 years younger than me . I fought it hard in the beginning because of the age gap , insisted that the day would come that they wanted children I could not provide ( tubes tied and age ) i am now 48 and he is 30 .. We have lived together 7 years . Recently (over the last few months) we have not been intimate .. ( my own Daughter had a baby) I questioned the lack of attraction and was assureed that he was still attracted to me , however the signs pointed in other directions . We had a trip planned to Vegas and discussed marriage he even told his family we would get married there ( have discussed way earlier on and I said no) was planning on purchasing a home and taking the next step) he was even looking at rings . I finely could not take the disconnect in our lives and called him on it , packed and said I was leaving . To my surprise he was on board with the decision to move on ( I wanted therapy and resolution to our issues and to stay together ) he has moved out and moved on with the closure I need ( I want a child , which I was not buying into , maybe so but I had no say in surrogent , etc) also since I did not buy into I looked further into it and was told I don’t think I am in love with you anymore ! Of course that was heart wrenching ! So the truth is he is no longer in love with me and may want a child that I cannot give him ! I know the love he had for me and how hard he fought my insecueities. Clouser will come inside of me me , not something form outside .
I wanted to text him & ask him was what we had all a lie? We had a terribly break up that ended with him saying he had been fooling around with someone else, I told him the same thing also. But I know that his will not benefit me. I know that even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from the inside!
He was my first love. We were high school sweethearts and I swear it is was real love because now I’m older and still haven’t experienced the joy I’ve felt with him. Our relationship had its ups and downs, but we were so great together. The only thing was our differences of religion. I was willing to convert for him, but circumstances broke us apart. It’s been nearly 3 years since we broke up and I’m in a new relationship now with a great man who I love and he loves me very much. But I am still stuck thinking about my ex. I just cut communication with my ex a month ago and it’s slowly killing me. However, I know reaching out to me wouldn’t bring me closure.
I’ve had a toxic ex whom I broke up with way back. He went into a new relationship aft 2 days of our breakup, with the context of him still texting me and saying that he still loves me. He even promised me that he will leave the girl and get back together with me. But no. Years went by, and I was strung like a fool at his beck and call. Yes he had the best of both worlds. Soon after, I begin to realise and tried to start off a new relationship. Over time, I fell in love once more. But then, the cycle started all over again. My ex came back and contacted me, saying he missed me even though he was in a happy relationship. I was too. It started all over, and we slept tog and went out and stuff. It felt right but wrong. Now, I decide to stop. I’ve cut all contact with him. It still feels there was never closure and that’s why there’s all this repressed feelings that never seem to go away. Thank you for the article. ” I know even if it happens, it’ll never give me closure. Closure happens from the inside.”
He was my first everything. First love, first relationship, first kiss, first time, the whole shabang, but the saddest thing of all, he was my very first heartbreak. We were together for a year and he broke up with me on Valentine’s Day 2015 (a week before our 1 year anniversary) by text for another girl he met (4 months before we broke up). The moment he broke up with me, my world d=shattered into a million pieces, along with my heart and soul. When we met (I was 17, he was 19), I was at the darkest point of my life, I was suffering from depression (from the age of 16 to today) and I was at the edge of wanting to commit suicide because I was just fed up with life. He came into my life at the right moment and he truly felt like the guiding light that led me to he brightness of the world and my life. So what was more painful about our break up was the fact that he promised that will protect me from going back to the dark place I was in, but he managed to push me back in, and he doesn’t understand how much damage he had caused. I gave my all to him and gave my time for him as we were in a long distance relationship (I live in London, UK and he lives in Florida, USA). Still to this day (19th June 2016) I still do not have the closure that is needed from the beginning. But the fact that we haven;t communicated in a year makes it harder for me to reach out to him. I am suffering and I cannot move on until I get the long needed closure from him, with that, I feel like I could finally move on and be happy.
I want answers, a six year relationship. I found out he cheated 4 times it hurts. I want to know why he felt he had to cheat, why not end the relationship that would have hurt less. Why compulsively lie about it when I caught you. I was there for him 100%, was it with somebody I knew. Was the whole six years a lie
I feel I need closure to help me deal with the situation to try and move on to know if he cared at all or if he was just pretend ending the questions are driving me insane I feel I need closure to help me but there is no point in asking as he is a compulsive liar
Any tips on how to forget or move on
Forgive and move on. You are beautiful. He clearly doesn’t know himself well enough to establish a working relationship. Men are different from woman. Since the beginning of time men have been the hunters and we woman have been the gatherers. That’s just how we are wired.
Remember to forgive yourself, forgive the questions. Forgive the need to answer them. You need to love yourself..
It’s still taking me awhile.. But my mother always said… How could you love someone if you can’t even love yourself. That can either work with your being or his.. But.. Good luck with the universe my dear. Remember you are worth everything in this world.
I broke up with my boyfriend because he smothered me, seemed obsessed with me, and loved me more than I loved him. There of course we’re other issues. We were together two and a half years and lived together. There was a big age difference, I’m 42 and he’s 63. It took me about six weeks to find my own place and move out. He backed off some during this time, but also seemed deeply hurt by the break up. He repeatedly accused me of having or wanting someone else, which was not the case. I wanted to remain in contact and hopefully stay friends. He really started to back off after I moved. Two weeks later, I found out he already had a serious girlfriend! He immediately cut me out of his life with no explanation. I pushed and pushed for some kind of explanation as to how he could do this. I don’t know why, but I feel so hurt, rejected, and confused. How can he go from loving me so deeply, to falling in love with someone else so quickly? I want answers so badly, but he won’t give them to me!
He gave me the best gift in the world.. A welcoming forgiving loving family environment in which I knew nothing about. Him and his family have alienated me in very good ways.. My life had been so destructive.. I had nothing going for me. The love was different. He was so closed off from emotion but I never pushed it. When his grandmother passed away he had changed in many ways. We lost sight in what we wanted from each other.. It became so painful; the feeling of understanding had vanished away like a wave, a wave that slowing started to dissipate. I reflected on myself many times asking the question of what could I have done to make it better.. Why was I feeling so miserable and hurt. Why wasn’t he comforting me as he used to. After a week of sending him messages that I truly did love him, nothing came back but one last message.. I need to talk to you.. As we met, our hearts detached; a final wave gesture to say goodbye; the tears rolled down my face. The only and confusing part of the salute was when we gave back each others items.. He had given me a final hug as tears rolled down his face this time. One thing that confused myself was that I no longer felt empathy towards his feeling and discarded them.. Maybe I had discarded that feeling over the overwhelming hurt and selfish knowledge that he wouldn’t go far without me. That final spite I regret. I love him.. I.. loved him with my whole being..
Another confusing part of the after math was my spiritual friend telling me, just because he’s out of your life now, doesn’t mean he will always be.. It could be possible for him to come back and love you again as a friend or as a lover. It hurt to think that way.. I always kind of wished he would.. Another time I had messaged him.. To forgive an act he did that I didn’t approve of. He came crashing down on me with spite and anger. He then deleted me from contact, only to reimburse talking to me again with accusations of sleeping with his friends and/or sleeping with my guy friends. Telling me that there was a friend of mine that wanted to sleep with me and messaged my him asking how he could approach me into becoming partners. Which I had nothing to do with.
But all this anger and hurt came from his mind.. Will I ever truly understand his feelings? No.. Will we ever forgive each other? I have.. But will he? Will he really understand and truly sympathize my feelings or where I was coming from? I don’t know. Will I ever understand the time frame of when we decided to part ways? Most likely not. Do I wish the best for himself and I? I do. Do I still love him… Yes. And I will – always.
People enter your life for good reasons, and sometimes you’ll never understand why they leave. It’s beautiful. In every way.
Closure is you. It works deep inside you. What reflects on the outside with never give you closure. But you yourself can begin to understand it.
Thank you for this article.. I finally understand where I belong.
I was with my ex for 3 years and looking back I can honestly say that they were rough, but none the less i loved her and thought she would be apart of my life going forward. We would fight about a lot, mostly things I felt were immature or selfish from her perspective which ended up making me very resentful. When we broke things off she refused to return my calls or talk to me and what makes this even worse is that we work together. I see her daily and when we pass in the hall she is always awkward. Now, after being apart for a month of no contact I am feeling the desire to reach out to her and get the closer i wanted last month. I want to ask her how she could just leave like that after I stuck my neck out for her, or how she can tell me she loves me almost up to the day she stopped talking to me. I want to ask her if she knows that it hurts me and I wonder if she even feels the same way. After reading this article though I am pretty sure you are right, my needs are not going to be met and I will end up feeling rejected all over again….. I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
My ex and I were together since I was 16, now going on 20. So he was my first love and pretty much all I really knew for a guy. I loved him so much, still do. We just broke up a week and a half ago. I had kicked him out of the place we got together in January this year a couple months back. He got fired after a few months of having a job, and then he didn’t try hard to get another. Which i guess makes sense because most of his family lives off the government. I thought since he saw me struggling he would want to help me, but no. I go to college and work nearly full time. I kept letting him know he will have to move out if he didn’t try harder, and nearly 3 months go by with him not having a job. So I gave him time then kicked him out. So problems arose with mine and his family, which didn’t help things because his family use to really love me. We stayed together as he moved back in with his mom for about two months. Then the last few weeks of our relationship he just wouldn’t be intimate and was just kind of there. I always had my trust in him though, and at one point I really didn’t want to be together and I was ready. The. The previous day before we broken up, I called him and we chatted and i asked him if he really wanted this. Basically giving him an out. I said I was will ing to really try if he would because I didn’t want to start over. He said he did want it, and that he would try harder. Than the following day later at night, he texted me breaking up with me. After nearly 4 years together he texted me breaking up with me. The next day he was in a new relationship already, which I thought was a facebook twitch but come to find out like 4 days ago. He really was, which I’m pretty sure is a family friend that he had a crush on when he was younger who is like 30 with 2 kids. He couldn’t even get a job and help me out. Why would she want him? And why do I feel so guilty and keep thinking its my fault for kicking him out. I texted him when I found out about the other women because that would mean since they were together a day after he cheated on me, and left me for her. Like I know things were rocky before but, he didn’t treat me very good a decent amount of time either. And he denied cheating and said things like move on bitch, and i said that stuff the day before because I wanted the rest of my stuff. Like it hurts so much more thinking of him getting intimate with another women. He told me im just pissed because he’s finally happy and it’s not with me. I just don’t get it. Before I even found out about that, he wouldn’t meet me for closure or even talk on the phone so it’s as if he has not back bone. He was seriously super harsh towards me, the next day aftwr me texting him about him cheating he blocked me on facebook. I also, have to see his family a lot because I work at a convience store/gas station in the same town that they go into a lot. Which just hurts more seeing them. I just want to talk to him face to face. I want to ask him how he can be so hurtful after all the time we spent together? I want to ask him, what really made him change his mind, going from him going to try harder to him dumping the next day? I want to ask him, how he can just cheat on me, and move on so easily with feeling no remorse? I want to know if he even still cares about me or loves me. Even if i get the answers to this, which I know I never will, I know it will not bring me closure.
I was with my ex for 2 years before I ended things with him. I was in a position where I had to choose between my career or him and he was in a rush to get married. All I ever asked of him was to be patient and give me one more year until I graduate and we can get married. He would always tell me I’m worth the wait and that he feels like he won the lottery being with a girl like me. We wouldn’t be able to go on a week without him bringing up the marriage topic and us arguing and fighting over why he wants it now and why I need him to wait another year. So I got fed up and broke things off with him despite loving him. No one approved of my relationship with him, not my friends or family and I took the fact that we were constantly fighting and arguing as a sign that it’s not meant to be. I told myself that if he loves me as much as he claims he does he will come back and I guess that was a naive way of thinking because he never did. After we broke things off it was difficult for us not to keep in touch. We continued to talk over the next three months until we realized it was not healthy for either of us and we wouldn’t be able to move on. 5 months later I hear he’s married. To say the news caught me off gaurd is an understatement. I found out one month after my very last conversation with him he got engaged to someone else. While we were broken up and still talking he was speaking to her at the same time as he was trying to convince me to take him back. I only found out he’s getting married two days before his wedding so I reached out to him to congratulate him after five months of no contact. He called me that night and was up until 4 am reminiscing what him and I had, he told me he still loves me and that he’s never smiled or been able to go on a full week without thinking about me. He said if I had reached out to him one week earlier he would have let it all go for me. At this point I was going insane, how can this man tell me all of this 48 hours before he’s about to marry someone else. He messaged me the next morning and told me to never contact him again and to not look too deeply into what was said over the phone. This was last I heard of him. I’m going crazy because at this point reaching out to him would be ruining a marriage which is something I would never plan to do. If I could reach out I would ask him why? Why did he spark all the love I had for him in me just to shut me down one last time? Why was he able to let go of something we built over 2 years in just 30 days after our last conversation? I didn’t expect him to wait around for me, I just didn’t think he would be married to someone else this soon. I have no desire to reach out and get closure from him because it’s something that must come from inside me. The only thing speaking to him now would do is get in the way of his new marriage and lead to yet another argument between him and I.
My ex partner of 3years slept with another woman from his work I found out after going through his phone. I broke up with him and after 4 days of no contact he got in touch. We had an unpleasant exchange of words and I have begun no contact again (now 7days). I just wanted to ask him why he still kept in contact with this woman after they slept together (as he said it was just a one night thing) yet he continued to exchanged messages and continue sexting. Furthermore I would also like to ask him why he slept with her at that time in our relationship as we’d just got back off holiday and things were going good between us? I even offered him the option of a break before this happened to which he declined. Why would he say No, only to cheat on me a week or so later? However, even if I get these answers I know that it will not give me closure on the relationship. As closure is something that happens within and not from the outside.
Well, our relationship was short-lived but intense. I think it’s all about the moments you share with someone and not how long you were together. He broke up with me through text and well at the moment I decided not to fight but I did ask him to talk to me in person. We contacted each other for a week, we argued through text because he kept changing the reason he broke up with me (no one of them related to me), he told me he missed me and he did look for me in person but I rejected him. We didn’t talk for a week, but now that I’m more calm I told him that I still think we should talk. I know you will not agree, but he did call me to agree on when to meet. I don’t want to get back together, but since our relationship was so short we were still in like a honeymoon stage and I don’t have anything against him aside from how he decided to break up with me and well I am starting to assume he’s seeing someone else already but I might be overreading things. I just want to end things with him in the best way possible and I want him to be honest with me in my face since texts can lead to misunderstandings.
We dated for four months. I thought we could have been perfect together. We had so much in common, I felt the potential for something real with him, unlike anything I’ve felt for anyone else I’ve ever met. I thought he was the reason I’d been single for 36 years – that all along, the universe had been bringing me to him. I had dreams of a future in my head – I wasn’t in love with him, but I knew it was inevitable. Then he had a family crisis, one that took everything out of him. And he started pushing me away. We went from being in touch constantly, all day, every day, to silence for days at a time. I tried so hard to be understanding and supportive, but he pushed me away, and started ignoring my attempts to reach out, saying he was too busy, and that things were crazy. I believe him, I believe that things were crazy, even though everyone tells me not to. I believe this family crisis took all of the time and energy he had, but I’ll never understand why he didn’t want me there for him, especially at that time. The obvious answer is that he didn’t feel strongly enough for me. But when I finally saw him in person, he showed up with apologies and flowers and said he wanted to continue dating. That was the last time i saw him. The next day he disappeared. Eventually, he started ignoring me full out, not even reading my messages to him. I asked him, simply, please don’t ignore me, and he ignored that too. Finally, I somehow cornered him through a phone call, which I’m sure made him think I was a crazy person, and he finally replied to my messages saying his family drama had taken everything out of him, and he wasn’t in the right mindset for a relationship. But he replied via text. TEXT. Who does that? I’ll never understand what happened. I’ll never understand the mixed messages and what it all meant. It’s only been a week, and I know I should give myself some time, but I feel like I need some closure. I have too many questions to ask him. I want to call him and ask him “why??” “Why did you tell me you wanted to continue dating?”, “Why did you disappear right after that?” “Why did you disappear at all?” “When did you change you mind about us?” “What did I do wrong?” “Why?” “Why?” “Why?” to everything, But I’m afraid he will ignore my call and I know that if he does, it will destroy me. I think deep down, what I want is to hear him tell me that I meant something to him. Because he treated me like I meant nothing to him. He wrecked me, and I can’t get back to myself. And i feel pathetic and stupid and unlovable. And if I’m being extra honest I think I want him to tell me that he’s thinking more clearly now, and hopes that we can start over. I guess deep down, I know this will not happen. You don’t treat people this badly if you care even a little bit. And no answer he gives me to any of my questions will be good enough. My story is so unoriginal, which makes it hurt so much more. Its not even that tragic, and I still feel broken. I really want him to give me some answers. I want to know he will answer my call and not just ignore me. But I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I was with my ex for 2 years. God I miss him even though he broke my heart. I work with him, which has made it all the harder to get over him. I want to be able to know why he would cheat on me with one on my co-workers only to never apologise or acknowledge any of the hurt he has caused. We went back and forth for over 6 months after I broke up with him for the first time. I wish we hadn’t kept going back and forth. I found out he was seeing my co-worker after we had a break and saw he had posted a picture of her. After professing that he loved me so much and was working on himself to change and I should wait for him. I often wonder if he had been seeing her for an extended time during our relationship. It’s hurts as I would of liked to remain friends but feel as if I would loose all my power to reach out to him. He was my first love who I really saw a future with. It sucks because the ending of our relationship never had to be this bitter. I don’t want to continue ignoring him around the workplace I just miss being able to talk to him. But I know I’ll only find closure within myself.
I want to know why you came on so strong in the beginning when you knew I was coming from a place of vulnerability and lonliness. Why did you come in and pursue, have lots of sex, spend time with me, if you knew it was never what you wanted? You’ve only left me with the understanding that I was never enough… attractive enough, adventurous enough, sexy, alluring, exciting, intelligent, strong, confident… ENOUGH. Just not enough and it hurts immensely. Because all I’ve ever asked for was some honesty, and all you could ever give me was, “I can’t give you what you want.” Insinuating that you’re not ready to go further, only to find out that there was someone else all along. And instantly you two run off to do the things we had talked about. What makes me even more angry is that I still care. That I allowed myself to believe you were different and special when it all turned out to be the same bullshit. Thanks for nothing. Thanks for a wasted summer spent with you believing that something great was happening. I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
He started to pull away from the relationship and then once he was distant enough decided that he wanted out of the relationship completely. I just want him to explain why he pulled away from the relationship to begin with. I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
In Feb it would have been 2 years. I fell hard… way to hard. Usually, I shut down when I first start dating someone. My ex husband did everything he could to make me feel like I could trust him, love him, and he stayed understanding and never stopped trying our entire 6 years together. Well, after 2 kids, the military, and whatever other excuse he had, he cheated on me. 4 weeks after delivering our 2nd kid. I was so crushed I moved home (2 hours away) and gave him whatever time he wanted with his kids. After a few months I met the guy I’m breaking up with now. And, to me, he was the man of my dreams!! He was old school, head strong, respectful, put me first, not a cheater, not a liar, big and strong yet cuddly and sweet… He had me and he new it. After 4 or 5 months it all changed! The little white lies and not telling me he was hanging out with this chick because I “didn’t ask.” Deleting messages and call logs and Web history. Disappearing for hours at a time with no explanation. And the worse part? He convinced me to move away and start over in his hometown 6 hours away from my home.. My family refused to help me come home, my bf refused to help me get or keep a job. I wasn’t aloud to have a phone, a friend, or talk to his family. Even if I did talk with his mom or bro or dad, of course, Im wrong and crazy. Everyday he hates me, can’t stand to see my face, I’m stupid, ugly, retarded, worthless, and when his family and friends heard him, they started in on me,too. I was being bullied by them and him, with no one around to save me.. not even myself. But, then he’d be nice. He’d defend me and tell them to leave me alone. He’d take me out and cuddle and be cute but just for 2 or 3 days. Then, back to living in hell for another week! I told him that he destroyed me and everything I’d ever believed in and loved. That I became all those things he called me because I felt like I had no other options. Now, he wants me to go home. Never come back and never be together another day. I’m nothing but a soul sucker and he deserves to be happy and that I made up all those things he did and if he did do them, it’s becus I made him do it. Never EVER takes responsibility. So, I told him I wanted to go! I can’t wait to leave!! But, before I go, tell me why? Why did you hurt me so badly? Over and over again? Why can’t you accept what you’ve done and apologize? How can you belittle and drown me so deeply then throw me away? I told myself you’d change. Snap out of it. But it only got worse. And even tho he new how much I loved him, he didn’t care .. I know if I don’t let go and just try to move on without those answers, i will just be stuck in pain, holding on to something that will never be. Trying to love someone that doesn’t and hasnt ever loved me.
I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
you were right, talking with him wouldnt make me satisfied. i felt more confused after he asked me to talk to him (via texting). he told me that he thinks that hes not the right person for me and he couldnt make me happy, he told me that he could love me but not like this. he confused me with the thought of he could love me again, but deep down i know that he has lost interest in me. he told me clearly before that he has moved on, he has gain interest in a new person and he didnt love me anymore. its only 3 weeks after we broke up, and sometimes i would think that if he meet at me in a person and talk, he would change his mind (were in a ldr, we havent see each other for about 4 months). i always want to ask him about a lot of thing but it doesnt matter now.I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
4-year relationship, he cheated when were having a rough patch, anyway we ended up breaking up but I still love him. He asked to meet to apologize but he said he didn’t know how to fix it anymore. So here goes what I’d say if I were to call him:
“I loved and I still do. Do you think we’ll ever make things work out between us? We had a great relationship and it will be a waste to let it all go down the drain. If you really still love me take your time and think of whether you want to give it a try again.” I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
After six years with my ex she relapsed for the 3rd time. This time she was having an affair. I moved out of our house and I am living with my brother. I am currently looking for my own apartment and she wants me to move back in. I have been struggling with the no contact rule and talking with my ex. She believes if we get counseling we can repair our relationship. I don’t trust my ex and know we can never be together again. I do want to keep her in my life because I care for her and still enjoy er company. I believe closure will come gradually and I will be meeting with our couple therapist alone to talk about what happened and what to do next. I believe talking to the professional therapist will help me move forward and she will either suggest the no contact rule or possibly suggest a possibility staying friends. It’s hard for me to completely let her go right now.
I feel most sad to lose my friend. The last straw for us both was something so ridiculous and I’m struggling to believe that this silliness is the reason he now ignores me. Even though I know it’s not the real reason and I want to know the real reason, I think knowing will make it easier to move on. Even if I know, it will not bring closure. Closure comes from within me not something that happens from the outside.
He was staying out until 5am, getting home late from work, and always had excuses that were completely convincing. But everything seemed fine, we rarely fought and were always together laughing and having fun.
He lied so many times and I never even knew–even now I cannot trust a word he says because I’m always catching him telling a lie. When he didn’t come home one day after a “party with coworkers”, I knew something was up. When he finally came home he insisted he didn’t love me anymore and that we needed to break up. He packed a bag and left.
When I found out the real reason why he left was because he had been sleeping with my best friend for months, I felt like I was in a nightmare. He then proceeded to play with my heart for weeks–hot and cold. Some days he’d show up at the house, say he loves me still…other days he wanted nothing to do with me. He told so many lies and never seemed to care about how it was hurting me and breaking any trust I had for him.
I want to hear from him why he did it. I want to hear the same from her. Why did they think it was okay to do this to me? How could they lie to my face for months? I’m so hurt and I want answers. I wish I knew everything that happened because the skepticism, assumptions, and hypotheticals are killing me. I know I’ll never know the truth because neither of them are willing to explain. I want my questions answered but I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
I want him to see himself, how he behaved in the relationship and to see me and understand how I felt. I want to see myself and understand myself in the relationship. I want him to understand and regret how badly he disrespected and hurt me. I want to understand what I did that made him treat me so badly. I want him to tell me the truth for him instead of getting defensive and coming up with narratives to justify himself. I want to know if he hurts or has regrets. I want some kind of acknowledgement and healing between us – we were together for 18 of 23 years and we have 3 small children so I can’t get him out of my life. I’m so angry with him for never being someone who made me feel like I could count on him and I want to tell him that. I want to somehow be able to forgive him and stop being angry and somehow be able to trust each other and honour what we had together. It’s too sad feeling like my entire 2 decades long relationship was a sham and a mistake. I just want to somehow feel better and stop feeling so angry towards the person I loved for so long and the father of my children. I want to be acknowledged for who I am instead of being treated like an irritation or an enemy.
But I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.
My story involves a long distance relationship in which both of us screwed up and started emotionally abusing each other in different ways. After a year of talking/being together we’ve parted ways (this was a year ago). But I can’t help feel my closure is missing because although i know i need to find it within myself i also am aware of how i felt i was walking on egg shells that much that i didn’t speak my mind when i knew i should have. So all the blame was on me primarily.. i was the abusive one.. i was toxic .. i was this and that. Now i feel i’m ready to stand up for myself and say hey this happened too. Even if he doesnt reply, i don’t care , I’d probably rather that. I just need to get it out there so he knows. Even if he does not agree. The simple fact is it needs to be SAID.
But.. Ultimately ”I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I’m so confused. So basically I was with this guy for 5 years. We started dating when I was a freshmen in high school. We’ve been broken up for two years now, but I still have a lot of questions that are still in the back of my mind. My relationship was very abusive, and not healthy and you know I would always blame my self and would say I shouldn’t of done this and maybe he wouldn’t have hit me. For years I would always blame myself and was just so naive about the situation and didn’t know any better. He would emotionally, and physical abuse me after a year into our relationship. He would throw my head against the car window, spit on my face, pull my hair, kick my stomach, and other horrible things. I started cheating on him when he started abusing me because I was obviously not happy and was looking for love somewhere else. Of course none of the guys I ever hook up with took me serious and just thought I was a slut because I had a boyfriend. I know thats wrong and shouldn’t of done that, but I didn’t know any better I was only 15 years old. This when on for 5 YEARS! Four years into our relationship I meet this amazing guy. His name is Elijah, I fell head over heals for this man. He made me feel like I was worth something! He saved me from an awful relationship and can’t thank him enough. Once I started opening up to him and telling him all about it he told me how it wasn’t normal and that a guy should never put his hands on a women, but again I thought it was normal by now. It took me a year to finally have strength to break up with my ex. I realized how much more I deserved and to always love myself and never let someone treat me that way. It’s been two years now with my Eli and let me tell you this guys treats me like a princess and more than I can ask for. Always so respectful, loving, understanding, but most importantly always values our relationship. I can’t thank god enough for putting this wonderful man in my dreams, but after two years of being broken up with my ex it still hurts. I haven’t fully recovered I still struggle and wonder why? I know I wasn’t perfect, and did things I wasn’t suppose to but why the abuse? I see life so different now and it’s so hard for me to trust Eli. I have this wall built and I feel angry. I just wanna know why he treated me the way he did. I feel like it’s taken over me and sometimes I can’t handle my feelings. I don’t want this to affect my new relationship so sometimes I wonder if it would be a good thing to get closure with my ex boyfriend after two years, but again I don’t wanna open that old chapter of my life again and hurt even more. I just need help.
I would text him, ” hey, are you busy? I kinda wanted to talk to you about something.” He would probably tale a while before responding. I am not sure if he would be rude and not interested or just be like yeah sure what’s up? Than i would tell him if he doesn’t want to awnser the question or doesn’t have an awnser to it that would be fine he’d just has to say. ” i know ofcours that you cheated on me, but i still wonder why. Like what went wrong in our relationship that you felt like doing that. Were you just not in love with me anymore and say yes why didn’t you just break up with me? You had been talking to the girl for a while and you also started blowing again. But i didn’t know or see any of it. And i wonder if you started doing all that because something was already wrong and i just didn’t know.” And than i would get an awnser and i have absolutely no idea what his response would be…
He calls me to talk about getting back together and I tell him it’s never gonna happen and then let all the anger I was feeling, or still feeling sometimes, out and then tell him to never contact me or any of my friends ever again.
He tried to contact my best friend last week through snapchat. I was like wtf did he think was going to happen? She was never going to talk to him. And I was so mad.
Me and my ex boyfriend broke up right when the school year started. Then I found out he had a exchange student from Italy’s and they wedge fucking this broke me inside. I was Soo broken inside that I started booking up with random dudes to feel loved but I ended up feeling even worse. Eventually I came to realize I need too love myself and can’t have anyone do that for me till I can. But I’ve been thinking about wanting closure because my ex hit me up a few times trying to be friends with me and I kept rejecting him. I also remember One day he asked why do u hate me Soo much? I said cause I miss you and still have feelings for you. He left me on read haven’t heard from him sense. I always picture him coming into my life and wanting me back after his exchange student leaves. To be honest I don’t know how I would react to it but I now know it’s time to move on. But closure will come from inside of me not his answers.
A few days ago I contacted my ex seeking ‘closure’. I asked him if he could be honest with me and he said yes, but he didn’t want to see me in person. We had been together for 8 months and were very close, he called every day and I really believe he did care for me and we loved spending time with each other. He was the first guy I honestly loved and I have been a wreck for the last month after he broke up with me, which doesn’t make sense to people because before I dated a guy before him for 3 years and was able to get over him quite quickly. I would have done anything to make it work and tried so hard, but he just gave up and said he never wanted to see me again. I was hoping that he could explain to me his change of mind because we were both into the relationship and had told me that I was the love of his life. He just told me that yes he did love me but we were too different to make it work. This is the exact same reason as when he broke up with me, which is why I believe hoping for answers later on is not going to happen. It makes me angry that I hoped that he would fight for us since we did love each other, but he just shut me down completely. Now I just think once someone had made up their mind, whatever their reasons, you can’t change it, and you will disagree with their views on why they needed to end it anyway. I.e. I believed if two people love each other you can work through your differences, but he just saw all those differences as reasons why love is not enough and compatibility is more important. Now I believe ‘closure’ only comes with time and learning to value myself as a person again.
We dated for 3 years but were best friends for 8.. I loved him he loved me but at some point we hit a rough patch. We decided to move in together in a different city for college and 4 months before we were going to graduate and move home we broke up. It wasn’t just a one night break up though, we saw each other every day we would still sleep together, we would comfort each other through the break up which only made it worse. Ill always love him and care about him and it sucks because we can still sit beside each other and forget what happened and start laughing but then we remember that we are broken up and reality hits up. I saw him for the first time today……first time in over a month. It was hard we both cried, we both yelled, we both told our feelings and at the end we kissed. Wasn’t a i want you back kiss but a this is goodbye for good. He told me i will forever be his dream girl but because of everything we can’t be together and i agree. He will always have a part of my heart. We were young and foolish. Our relationship was meant to be forever we were meant to marry each other but we dated at a bad time, we rushed things, we met way to early in our lives which ended us forever. “I know even if this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from something that will happen outside.”
I have always been introspectove about what went wrong in a relationship or what I did so that I can work on me and move forward this time I don’t feel I did anything wrong so I want an answer of what actually happened so I can work on myself and move forward I know even if I do this I won’t get closure
On 4th of July, I caught my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years in his bed, at his parents house, with another girl beside him. The months prior to this incident, he became very distant after I asked him why I was still not on his Facebook…..no pictures or mention of me. (We weren’t even friends on there….sketchy). He got mad at this question and said I was being selfish for wanting to be put on there. I should have seen this coming because he’s lied about several things in the past, manipulated me and would turn everything around and make it my fault somehow. Seeing someone you are in love with in bed with someone else is one of the worst and painful feelings in the world. It destroys self confidence and self esteem. The night I caught him, I asked him how long it had been going on, if he took space from me for the past three months to be around her, if that’s why he was not posting pictures of me on Facebook and he wouldn’t say a word. No “I’m sorry” no remorse or no guilt that came from him. He seemed more concerned about getting back into the house to be with the girl that was in his bed. As much as I want closure, I probably won’t ever get it from him.
“I know is this happens, it will not give me closure. Closure will come from inside me, not from the outside.”
My wife of nine years had been cheating on me for most of our relationship with different people, I would like to understand why she did this, i know that she came from a broken family where her father was an abusive alcoholic and beat them whenever he was inebriated as well as sexually abused her mother,Why when she had some one that loved her so much could she do these things , why when her father was a drunk would she binge drink and have no remorse to the things she did and act the way she did with no consideration for me.
When she “finaly called it off” (her words exactly) she was drunk out of her mind again the third time that week.
All i ever think after 6 months of grieving is how i could have been a better man and made all her pain from her past go away, I know i did the best i could , there were things i could have tried harder on , but it to late and the loss i feel is tearing me a part.
I am now engaged to a wonderful women that i was with for ten years prior to getting married to my ex wife, I fear that these thoughts are not allowing me to be the way i should with some one i am in love with , or at least part of the time , because of these feelings of betrayal and not really understanding what went wrong or getting the closure i think after a ten year relationship i deserved. Getting the closure from her i know will not happen as she is an emotional desert, and is broken beyond comprehension, It is difficult to accept that i could not fix her as hard as i tried, I still have feelings for her, I miss her every day i miss our conversations our weekends together our family life and the the good times we shared, all the small things that someone brings in to your life are things that you miss , the things that will eventually weigh on you and crush you when no matter who you are with and whatever they do can not be replicated.
I want her to tell why she did this, why she acted that way, why she could not see what her downfalls were, why she could not love me.
This will never come i just have to accept.