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Step 2 : Physical Separation from your ex. (No Contact Rule)

Your ex left a void in your life and it’s very hard to fill. Calling or contacting your ex may give you the false sense that you still have them in your life. You may think that an innocent “hello” will not do you any harm, but it’s just stopping you from moving on with your life.

If you want to get over your breakup, you will have to physically, emotionally and psychologically separate from your ex. And unless, you physically cut all roots of communication, you can’t remove them emotionally and psychologically. That’s why NO CONTACT is absolutely imperative.

stay away from your ex

No Calls, No Texts, No “accidentally” running into them.

While trying to apply the no contact rule, there is a good chance that you will give yourself excuse in an attempt to contact your ex. Here are some of the excuses that are very common.

I THINK WE CAN BE FRIENDS

You probably heard it before, and I will say it again, being friends with an ex doesn’t work out, especially if you are not completely over your breakup.

friends with ex

Your life is NOT a SITCOM. Just because it works on TV, doesn’t mean it will work for you.

There could be 2 scenarios
1. Your ex wants to be friends
If your ex is insisting on being friends, it might be flattering to think that they want you in your life and they can’t live without having you as a part of their life.

But if you want to be realistic, you need to realize that your ex is not ready for the commitment and responsibility of a relationship, and they are not able to let go of the comfort of having someone familiar in their life.

Sure there are things that you like about your ex, that’s why you were with them. And if you think about those good qualities, you might be thinking about being friends with them. But understand that this will never be a true friendship. There will always be that tension between you two, especially right after breakup. If you are having trouble applying the no contact rule, then you are not ready to be friends with your ex.
2. You want to be friends with your ex
Let’s be honest, why do you want to be friends with your ex?

Is it because you still care about them?

Is it because you want to know what’s going on in their life?

You want to hang out with your ex?

You have a lot in common?

All the above reasons scream that you don’t want to let them go. In reality, you are just using friendship as an excuse to keep them in your life. If you and your ex are meant to be friends, you will be friends after both of you have moved on completely, but until then, you need to be strong and stay away from them.

I NEED CLOSURE
questions about breakup

Confusion and questions might tempt you to call your ex. But remember it will only make things worse.

Often, you will get a thought in your mind about what happened and something just doesn’t make sense.

“My ex me they love me and I was the best thing that happened to him. How can he suddenly leave me? How can he suddenly stop loving me?”

“I asked my ex if she loves me and she is refusing to answer me. I need to get the answer to get closure.”

“I want to talk about what happened in the relationship to find out exactly what went wrong.”

You have to realize that the answers to those questions are not going to satisfy you. You are not going to get closure by something that your ex says. You will get closure by going through the steps 3, 4 and 5.

Contacting your ex for answers or to just say something to them is only going to make you feel worse than before.

You have to accept that you and your ex’s thoughts are not compatible with each other. And unless you let go of your ex and stop contacting them, you will never find someone who is compatible with you.

I WANT TO BE AVAILABLE IF MY EX WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER

Your relationship is over. And if you are secretly hoping that you will get back together and everything will be the same again, then maybe it will happen. Maybe “EVERYTHING WILL BE THE SAME AGAIN”.

You will go back in the same broken relationship which will end up in the same breakup, again. So be careful what you wish for.

don't try to get back together

You know what’s worse than a broken heart? A broken heart smashed again by the same person. Don’t set yourself up for more hurt.

Unless you get over the breakup and your ex, you will never be able to find the relationship that you truly deserve. It is possible that you get back with your ex after you have completely moved on, but that will be a new relationship, not the same old broken one.

I THINK WE CAN BE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Being friends with benefits with your ex seems like an innocent thing to do, but it’s not. You know when you are thinking, “there are no surprises there, we might as well just enjoy the sex”; you are setting yourself up for hurt.

no friends with benefits

The thought might be exciting and naughty, but the act is only going to keep you from moving on.

Sex always brings up confusion and emotions with your ex. If you are in the process of getting over the breakup, you really can’t afford to give in to the horniness. If you break the no-contact rule for sex, then you are letting your sex drive destroy your peace. You have to choose, you can get laid easily and be miserable. Or you can be at peace.

You might have to constantly fight your urges to contact your ex. There are many ways to control yourself and stay on the no-contact. One of the ways to do it is to do something for yourself every time you want to break the no contact rule. Which brings us to step 3 of this program.

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{ 8 comments… add one }
  • Michael April 30, 2014, 5:19 am

    After reading this section of the article I feel a little foolish of myself. My ex and me have broken up for while now and well she dating this new person. I still have a hard time understanding what happened since I thought things where getting between us but I guess I was wrong. I believe she takes me more like a safety net now days, sadly I dont want to be her safety instead I would like to be a boyfriend again . I wanted to get closure but now reading this i dont know if i should go on with my closure idea. Im very confused and I really still like her alot . What should i really do . Talk to her and get some closure or just start the no contact period.

    • Kevin April 30, 2014, 8:19 am

      Start no contact. Talking to her is not going to give you closure. Read this article.

  • Hi August 23, 2014, 11:14 am

    Heart broken. My ex is seeing someone else. She told me he was talking to her and trying to meet up with her when our relationship was coming to an end. I know she did meet up with him once but she said nothing happened.

    After six weeks of break up we had sex. I thought we might get back together. Two weeks later she showed up with him at a social occasion. She says she is In love and happy now.

    I feel like a fool. I want to know if she was cheating on me. How long she has been seeing him? It’s obvious she was seeing him when she had sex with me. But did she cheat on me? Did she dump me and run to him immediately? Was she talking to him on Facebook behind my back?

    It’s really difficult to think how she has betrayed me. I’m obsessing. And I keep regretting everything I said or didn’t say post break up.

    I want answers desperately but we are not talking anymore. She has moved on and I am trying to remain no contact.

    • D September 28, 2014, 12:53 am

      I’m going through pretty much the exact same thing right now brother. Think of it this way(it has given me strength) would somebody who loved you put you through this? Would you put somebody else through this?

      Kevin has given me a lot of tools here, but the most important thing I’ve learned is that my relationship is dead. Before I can build a new relationship (even possibly with my ex when her obviously not as awesome as me new bf gets dumped) I have to first put my old relationship to rest, and place a grave marker on it.

      Hope that helped, obviously wait for Kevin for the guru answer, I’m just a new guy with a mouth.

      • Sean January 28, 2015, 5:27 am

        Again, I’m going thru the exact same thing. Ex broke up with me unexpectedly. 6 weeks later she’s planning on moving in with the “new guy.” One thing I’ve done is focus all my energy on the horrible way she treated me the past 6 weeks. It fuels my desire not to want to talk to her. Even if I did call her, what would I say? Face it, if she loved you she would be with you. Any woman who can move on that fast wasn’t in the relationship to begin with. Mine was pulling so many ridiculous excuses out of the air to justify breaking up. Petty stuff that happened 7 years ago. Nothing warranting a break. Truth is, she wanted out and was making stuff up to get out. Cut your losses and find someone that appreciates you.

  • John mark October 18, 2014, 9:22 am

    What should I do if my ex told me she has feelings to my bestfriend?it pains me because they started going out a week after our break up, and most of all i feel betrayed. I am still inlove with my ex. I badly want to get her back. But my ex girlfriend always contacts him now and i am so confused on what I am going to do… Please help me.. I am really confused right now.. And i feel that if i wont do anything they will really fall in love 🙁 we have been together for 4 years. I just cant believe the fact that she moved on so fast. The reason we broke up is because i had no time for here anymore. But when we broke up my bestfriend provided her that.. And when i attempted to bring her back she always says that she want to study first … Idk what im supposed to do anymore i am so confused 🙁

  • Jonathan October 20, 2014, 4:05 am

    Hey Kevin

    My name is Jonathan I just recently got dump by my girlfriend, I’m 22 year old and she is 21. We been going out for almost 3 year, this November was going to 3 years, I honestly need some advice on what to do. I understand why we broke, She told me that she felt like we were holding each back from school and also in work, she felt like we could be doing thing in life and also better our self, she also said that were to comfortable with each other and she said even do that wasn’t a bad thing, so she felt like we didn’t care about the future and she a type of girl that worry about the future, so I understand that where she coming from and also she a type of girl that want to do thing in life, she just didn’t want to be home all day watching Netflix and not doing anything. So I know that were I also fail, not planning to do new thing together. It’s been a week now that we broken up and I haven’t contact her in any way, she told me to give her time and space and that what I’m doing but at the same I don’t want to give to much time and space, because she just recently join a sorority in her school (By the way we were still going out when she was just joining the Sorority) and I see that been going out with her sorority friend and meeting new people and guy, I don’t sound like a creep or anything I been looking at her Facebook profile and Instagram profile and she been following guys, So I’m worried. I know right now she doesn’t want to see me or even talk to me. So now I’m going to do the 30 day no contact and focus on me, also improve myself. I was wondering if you could give me advice.

    Thank you

  • Phil May 30, 2015, 3:54 pm

    Hey there.
    Thanx for this article, it’s probably one of the most sneerful i’ve read so far. I love the writing and intellectual process of explaining these steps.

    Now for the harder part. I have had a very intense relationship recently.
    I live in France, she lives in Bulgaria. I have a child and we have over 10 years of age difference.
    I met her at work, handling business with her on a daily basis.
    So at first, it has been work skype conversations only.
    With time, we started getting closer and closer, without ever actually talking to each other (just texts).
    Then after 5 months or so, she invited me on Facebook, and it’s been instant crush confirmation on both sides.
    We knew it was complicated because of the reasons above, plus the long distance, but I managed to get to Sofia a couple times, for a holiday and later for business.

    Since January, we’ve had each other on our minds 24/7. Going to sleep on the phone together, texting and calling first thing in the morning together, taking breaks at work to talk to each other at the same time, so a VERY intense relationship. When I finally got to see her for real, week-end were in bed half an hour after I landed. and almost didn’t get out of it for the whole week.

    It seemed to me as real, everlasting love, like I never felt before. For her, nobody ever made her feel as special as I did either.

    After I left to get back home the second time, she decided this relationship was hurting too much. And like a bad teeth, better go through some massive pain once by ending it rather than being both miserable for a long time.

    I could perfectly understand these reasons, even though my world crumbled appart when she told me so, because for me, it was going to be everlasting, and i was working on ways to be together permanently.
    So we didn’t break up because it wasn’t emotionally working, but because of the distance mostly.
    She is one of the most caring person I know. Even though I know she moved on, and I didn’t so much, there are no real reason for us not to stick together somehow (or maybe it’s an excuse i give myself to make the breakup less permanent ?).
    I hate this situation but when reason comes over the heart, it is perfectly logical and understandable.

    My feelings go from infinite sadness and longing for the absolute perfect time spent together to anger and hate because she was able to “replace” me so fast.

    So your advice on the matter would mean a lot to me, I’d be happy to hear it.

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