Some people can get over a breakup in one week. While for others it can take, months, years and sometimes decades. It all depends on how your relationship was, how your life was, and how you handle the breakup.
Different minds have different speed and different ways of handling a loss. Unfortunately, most of the time it’s not very effective.
It can depend on a lot of things. How was your relationship with your ex? How long you were together? What type of breakup you had? How much were you committed to each other? How was your life before you met your ex? And most important of all, how do you deal with loss.
How was your relationship with your ex?
Were you two good together? Or you were fighting most of the time? Were you in an abusive relationship? Were you just a passing affair?
The fact that you broke up meant your relationship with your ex was broken. It doesn’t mean that either one of you was at fault, it just means you two were not compatible with each other.
If you think you two were good together, chances are you don’t realize what was wrong with the relationship. It’s possible that you might want to get back together. It’s also possible that you realize it has ended and you move on to the next relationship better than this one.
If you were in an abusive relationship, it will be easier for you to realize that you deserve better. Getting out of an abusive relationship feels like a breath of fresh air. But the mind still plays it’s tricks as there is still a loss of someone close to you and you still have to deal with it.
How long were you together?
The longer you were together, usually the longer it takes to get over the breakup. If you have been together for only a year or two, it might not be that much hard when compared to being together for 25 years.
The longer you were together, the more you lost your identity as a single person. If you were together for a long time, the hardest part would be to reestablish yourself as an individual, not in the eyes of the world but in your own eyes.
What type of breakup you had?
Did your ex cheat on you? Did you have a big fight? Or did you breakup amicably?
What happened during the breakup is something that takes up a lot of thought space in your mind after the breakup. If the breakup was a sudden fight or an act of infidelity, then your mind will keep working on the minute details about the breakup until it finally realizes that whatever happened during the breakup was not as important as what happened during the relationship.
How was your life before you met your ex?
This has a direct relation with how you handle breakups. Chances are, if you were a happy person before the relationship, it will be easier for you to go back to that happiness after the breakup.
A lot of times, people get into a relationship to avoid facing the pain and issues inside them. And when the relationship ends, they are again left to face that pain. If that’s you, then it might take a while to get over the breakup, but in the end it will be worth it.
How do you deal with loss?
The way you deal with loss is definitely the most important factor when it comes to the speed of recovery. Some people take everything personally and blame themselves constantly for what happened. On the other end of the spectrum, people just blame everything on their ex and build up resentment inside them. Some people just blame everything on the nature of the opposite sex which eventually leads to the doom of their next relationship.
Even though everyone goes through the grief period, what matters is how you come out of it. If you come out the other side with resentment, hate, or self-pity in your heart, then you are not really over the breakup. On the other hand, if you deal with the loss without blame and looking at things the way they really are, you are probably going to do recover a lot faster and in a healthy way.
Hey, I am a girl, who is having this problem with my ex gf.. Does this work the same? If so, we both consider ourselves bi… We were together for a year and a half. Started off rough with her lying about things. Also. She made out with my brother while I was at boot camp. I came back and thought I couldn’t do this anymore. And started to treat her different which caused her to treat me different. I would get mad and yell and throw things. Never touch her tho. We went on a break in October and both immediately had hook ups. I hooked up with my ex bf first which hurt her tremendously I guess. Well i realized I wanted her soon after that. But she didn’t change her mind. And said she didn’t know if she could go back to me being crazy, and she didn’t want a relationship and she has a lot of shit going on she needs to figure out (money issues, she lives with friends….) well I’ve done all the crazy things to turn her away and stuff. We started hanging out after awhile but she constantly was hooking up with random people and she was telling me she just wanted to be friends right now. And she cares about me and she wants me to be ok and maybe some day well be together again “idk tho”. So I flipped out again. And now I’m at the point where I need to be ok without her. She’s seeing this guy like every spare second for a week now. And she told me she really likes him. And he really likes her. I just told her yesterday again, that I can’t stand there and watch her do this to me, but I’ll always love her and hope for her to come back, blah blah blah. She said if she’s ever ready to be us again she’ll let me know, even if I have moved on. How is it ok for her to try to get me back if I moved on, but I can’t get her back now? Is it too late to try this? Start the no contact now, and eventually try to win her back? I don’t want to settle for anyone else, and although I’m open to meet new people and wish I could feel like this for someone else. But everyone I meet is a let down, and reminds me of when her and I first got together and how we wanted each other so bad. And the way only she can make me feel. And how comfortable I was with her and how much I love her. What do you think? Is it a lost cause? Should I just be happy alone? Or should I try one more time to win her back, and follow your guidance?
Try one more time. If it doesn’t work, you can close this chapter and concentrate on moving on. And don’t think that she is the only one who can make you feel like that. The only reason you think like this is because you have not gotten over the breakup till now.
Hi. I really loved my ex. She’s was very sweet and very lovely. We where together for 4yrs, and the las one she was very clingy, she was all over me and she was ver possessive. this was a trait she had from time to time. Anyway, tbh I was a virgin before being with her, and she had already experience, the thing is that when she got so clingy and possessive I started to freak out thinking that I would never try something new (as I never intended to leave her). In this freakish behaviour of mine I started sexting with a friend of mine. nothing ever happened outside of this, I realised how stupid this was and I ended this. To this date my ex is the only woman I’ve been with. Anyway, my ex broke the deal with me because of other things, she needed some space because after this I was being the clingy one. Anyway, I stoped contact and all of that stuff, trying to get her back, but from time to time I see her liking status of mutual friend about cheating. I guess she found out and maybe she hates me a lot. It’s been 4 months since the break up and month and a half since my lasts attempt to contact her. I do not wish to get her back anymore, because I feel so guilty for trying to make me feel better playing a stupid game with a “friend”. I feel guilty for hurting her, for screwing things up. I just wanted to experience life, and now that I’m doing it, I just feel like a wreck. I hate the idea that my ex hates me so much, and that she is going to think that all of this years were crap. I hate the idea that even though she knows I was a virgin she still can’t and won’t understand my insecurities. That’s why I don’t want her back, she does not deserve the pain I inflicted her, and I don’t deserve to feel this bad, for one sacred human mistake. I feel so judged by her, by her friend, by me, by everyone, and even though I don’t have the security that she knows, I just feel bad for myself and that stupid mistake. I want to let go because I love her, I don’t want to play mind games, I would just love to be understood, even forgiven (not saying that I want to be with her, if she does not want me in her life I accept it), I can’t help but feel so insecure, so evil, like a bad person, I didn’t do it with evil thoughts, I was sad with myself. I just want to be happy now, to forgive me, to learn and go on, but it seems that’s not happening any time soon, even though it’s been 4 months without her. thanks for reading this Kevin, and for everyone else that read this.
So far I have found most of your advice to be really inspiring, especially when taking care of myself and defining my current emotional state.
With my ex, we broke up because I became really indecisive during the months leading into college graduation and when we were about to move to our grad school locations, which are only about 2.5 hrs apart. we’ve argued before, but the summer was difficult because I was in another country with my family and she was still really upset about some things I had said, about how I know I wouldn’t do well in a long distance relationship (I considered this long distance) and how i’ve been flip-flopping with my commitment to the relationship, and we couldn’t talk consistently because we were more often than not busy when the other person was free. she had difficulty trusting my commitment after a few times I tried to make it seem like we should take a break. long story short, i finally caved to my indecisiveness and told her that I wouldn’t be able to do it because I was so happy when we saw each other frequently but miserable when we were apart because I thought I wanted to see other people, and that she deserved someone more commited. Over the summer while we were still together, she started to like a guy she worked with, and i didn’t think much of it until after we broke when they started dating (I trusted her A LOT, and it wasn’t in her character to cheat so i’ve completely disregarded that thought), and it seemed too soon and that I had actually lost her because she said the guy seemed like he knew he wanted her more than i did, and that he made her feel secure about it (it was more me who broke up with her since I was the one who was the most indecisive). Now that she is gone I’ve wanted her more than ever, and I feel and have told her that I found I could live through the sad times apart if I knew I would definitely see her in the future because I no longer had the best friend I could talk to about anything. She said we should just talk as friends for a month and see if I feel the same way at the end of the month, because she thinks it’s unfair to this other guy since she said they could date and i think she wants to give him a chance, and she wants me to try seeing other people to see, like i said, if I still feel the same way.
Now, its been about 1.5 weeks since we’ve been broken up, but I haven’t done the no contact rule. Is it too late? She’s still messaging me too, but she’s also visited the other guy. I know they’ve already kissed at least once because I asked before I found out they were dating. Should I keep this up of “talking as friends”? I’m confidant im going to feel the same way at the end of the month, but should I decrease the contact even though she is still messaging me? I wonder if I should just tell her we shouldn’t talk until the month is up, but I’m afraid it’ll help her get over me easier if we don’t talk because we’ve been best friends during our relationship. Sorry for the long explanation but these are the most important points I think, and I don’t know how to respond to her talking to me.
Hi Kevin..
I have read your article on how to get your ex back..its amazing and I have learn lot frmr that and i come to know what mistakes that i have made when i was in a relation with my ex..
I was in a long distances relationships.which we had for 15 months..One day we have a fight and we had a breakup….she was a divorced and I am a bachelor..now after 14 months she message me on Facebook and asking my number..I reply her that “”it’s feels good after seeing your message after a long time how’s life going and why u want my number””it’s have been more than ten days she haven’t replied me..moreover she knows that I am 1000% desperate about her and can’t live without her. .Kevin please help me what shall I do .????
Wait another month and message her. If she doesn’t reply, you should consider moving on and finding someone else. It’s been 14 months, your chances are probably very less.
Hi Kevin ,
I receive your emails daily and I must say you describe my ex there ,how he acts after the break up and everything .Its been two months now since we broke up, he played hot and cold and a moth ago I couldn’t but confess that I still love him and want him back.Of course he said no , ” I dont have feelings for you anymore” . But asked me to stay in touch? Why?? Im now confused . I would really appreciate if you take a little time to reply,thanks .
Hi Kevin
I was in a year long relationship and my boyfriend cheated on me whilst I was out of town for a month. He felt terrible and didn’t want to break up. I went into a state of shock, didn’t see it coming, broke up with him and had no contact for a couple of months. I felt so awful. I found your blog online and did your email course on how to get over a break up and it helped with the initial pain. We then started seeing each other again, him with the hope we were going to continue being together and I decided to see him as I wasn’t satisfied with the information he gave and wanted to know the full truth. I’ve since found out the truth and have also found out that he still has contact with the other girl so I have completely removed him and have no contact with him or his friends whatsoever. Even though I know it’s the right thing to do I can’t help but feel pain and resentment. I suppose I’m still grieving, the pain will probably leave but I don’t know how to shift the resentment? I don’t hate him but sometimes feel anger and bitterness towards him. I’ve since met someone else who I’m interested in, vice versa and the last thing I want to do is carry unresolved resentment into a future relationship. Any advice?
Okay so guys I really need help here and I’m not sure if you can help me but I really need it :(…. okay so me and my ex were together for about almost 2 years but we broke up a total of 8 times over small things okay now that may seem really stupid but we were madly in love with each other but at these times we couldn’t bare being with each other sometimes but couldn’t live without each other either and so we broke up about almost a year ago and I’ve wanted her back ever since this whole time my hearts been attached to even the thought of being with her and it drives me nuts then depression hits but it’s not like I’m a sick puppy and I don’t know how to get over her the thing is I tried getting her back many times and every time she sort of gave in and every time she had another boyfriend but they were obviously rebounds but as soon as I would be about to get her I would make some other mistake like listen to a band that I really didn’t know was satanic at all or I would just get jealous at the end if she wrote something on her status about her boyfriend and I’d lose my chance but guys this is the last time I’m going to try get her back and she has a boyfriend and she’s madly in love with him yet so nice to me and just in and out of the friend zone what do I do I really need to get her back this time or else I don’t know where my depression will take me she makes me happier than any other girl has or could and I believe that because I have tried dating other girls and they just couldn’t make me as happy they were well just not her and so well yea I don’t know what to do can anyone help me :(!??
Hi,
I really appreciate your words here,I am in a close to 3 yrs relationship with a lady and it was promising when we started,suddenly she complains,nags and repulsive,we stay far from each other cos I’m studying in another state from hers,she complains this which I worked on and paid her more visit.We had our ups and downs which is normal,she got on my nerves at a time I hit her,I begged n she forgived me as she says and we moved on.Things started getting bad and she’s always cold and repulsive to the extent she’ll tell me not to come sometimes and if I eventually go visit her she won’t be receptive,I’ve cheated on her once which I confessed and was forgiven,I also stopped seeing the other lady but our relationship wasn’t solid any more.Now,August 29th,she told me she wants us to break I pleaded to no avail and adopted the no contact rule which I was only able to keep for 7 days after which I felt desirous to talk to her.I called her and we spoke and later resorted to chatting where she insisted the break is all she wanted and nothing’ll stop her stance.She started by telling me the problem is not me but her,that she’s not the right girl for me,after persuasion and talks she also told me I got it all wrong the day I hitted her and that the love she had for me is always strong whenever I’m not around and the reverse is the case when I’m around.She confessed she loves me and she knew I love her too but we don’t understand ourselves also she kept on remembering the day I beat her.After the chat that lasted for about 5 hours,I called her severally but she didn’t pick again.She sounds so angry and repulsive during the chat,talked in strange ways.I have resorted to the no contact rule since that day (4 days now). Just found out today she has deleted me from her facebook account and whatsapp.What do I do? She said she still love and I do love her too and I already planned for our engagement next year,though not awared to her.Thanks.
i love my gf so much.but she cheated for on me for 3 months and broke up with me.