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How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back Even If She Has Another Boyfriend

Alright, I know it sucks that your ex girlfriend is already dating someone else. I know just imagining the girl you love in someone else’s arm is infuriating. But I want you know that there is still hope. And if you want your ex girlfriend back even though she has another boyfriend, you have to start looking at things from a more neutral perspective.

A Complete Guide

Before we start analyzing your situation, have you read my complete guide on how to get your ex girlfriend back? If not, go to this page and read it now. It will give you a thorough idea of what you should and what you shouldn’t do. It will give you a plan that you can follow. Then you can come back later to this article for advice that is more tailored to your situation.

So Your Girlfriend Is With Someone Else

another boyfriend

Antagonizing the new guy is not going to help.

OK, I know that right now, you just want her to come back to you as soon as possible. But that’s not going to happen. In fact, if she comes back to you this instant, then she will probably leave you again after a while. Since, you are reading this, I take it that you want your girlfriend for more than just one night. I am assuming that you want a long fruitful relationship with her. And if you want that, she should come back to you knowing that you are the best option for her. Not just because she is confused about her emotions.

Leave Her Alone and Concentrate On Yourself

The first thing you need to do is leave your girlfriend alone for a while. AKA, the no-contact rule. Don’t contact her for a month. Here is a few questions that might creep into your mind when I say this.

“What if she falls in love with this new guy? I don’t want to lose her forever.”

She won’t. This guy, is a rebound. And almost all of the rebound relationships end up in a breakup. I know it’s a little hard to accept considering the off chance that this one does work out. But it’s a really small risk you’ve to take. And the reward of this risk is getting her back in your life.

Exception: There is one exception to this case. If you and your girlfriend had been dating for a very short time (like a month or two weeks). In this case, since your relationship wasn’t very strong in the first place, she is not technically with a rebound guy. She just went from one short term relationship to another. In this case, I’d generally recommend you to move on from this short term relationship. However, if you really think she is someone special, then you can make the no-contact rule for just one or two weeks and carry on with the rest of the plan.

“If I stay away from her, she will forget me completely”

Again, she won’t. In fact, the more you stay away from her, the more she will miss you. I know she is with someone else, and you might think like she is just busy having fun with this guy to even remember you. But it’s not the case. She is actually quite confused in her mind all the time and even though she might be trying to forget you, this rebound relationship is not giving her the time to actually work through her emotions and move on. You are still in the back of her mind. And pretty soon, when you contact her, you will be in the front of her mind.

“I can’t stand the thought of my ex being with this guy for a month. I have to take action right now.”

clock is ticking

You might feel like the time is running out, but in reality you have a lot more time than you think.

OK, I know it’s a gut wrenching feeling. But you have to deal with it. In fact, it’s a good way to learn the nature of relationships. Every relationship ends. Either one of you will leave the other one. Or one of you will die. But, all the relationships end. I know it’s a hard fact to accept, but it’s the truth. The relationship with your ex has ended. And now she is in a relationship with someone else. Soon, her new relationship will end she will be in a new relationship, probably with you and hopefully for a very long time.

Analyzing the Breakup

Just like in the guide, you must analyze why you guys broke up and whether or not it’s really a good idea to get your ex girlfriend back. There are a few points that I would like you to consider before moving on to the next step

  • Were you really happy in the relationship? Did you have your freedom? Did you trust each other? Did you enjoy with each other? A good relationship is based on trust and respect. Do you think if you two get back together, you can build a relationship with strong foundation?
  • Did she have communication problems? Did she decide to just leave because she was not satisfied or she discussed her problems with you? Whatever the reason she left, you can fix that and get her back. But the next time she has a problem, will she run away again or will she try to work on the relationship?
  • confusedAre you just infatuated? I have to ask you this. Is she the type of girl who is superhot, intelligent, and everything about her is just perfect? Then chances are, you are just struck with one of those infamous arrows of Mr. Cupid. If you just think that there is no one out there like her, then you are wrong. Before you decide to get her back, go out in the dating world and meet a few more those seemingly perfect girls. There is a good chance that you will find someone better. If not, then you can go ahead and try to get her back.

The Idea of Stealing Her from Her New Boyfriend

Now, in most cases, the rebound relationship will end before the no-contact period is over. But, in case they don’t. You’ll have to steal her from this new guy. Of course, you are never going to ask her directly to breakup with the new boyfriend to be with you (not until you are 100% sure she will say yes). But you have to build attraction with her while she is still with him.

I know it sounds a like a dick move, by stealing someone’s girlfriend. But look at it this way, you are 100% sure she will be more happy with you than she will be with him. You know you will treat her better than him. So why not do it? On the other hand, if you are planning to be a shitty boyfriend and treating her with disrespect, then you should just let her be with her new boyfriend and get some counseling.

The Contact

OK, generally I recommend to start with a hand written letter and then move on to texts after a few weeks. However, in this case, I’d recommend to directly move on to texts. Because of two reasons.

1. Text are more personal and chances of her new boyfriend finding out about these texts are less. Even if he does, it works to your advantage. We’ll get to that later.

2. You should wait at least a few weeks to contact her with text after you send the letter. In this case, we are saving a little bit of time by not sending the letter.

Note: If you really messed it up after breakup, then I guess an apology is in order and a letter would be a good idea. And I mean REALLY mess it up. Begging, crying, stalking, abusing, drunk calling, showing outside her house holding a stereo over your head type mess it up.

What to Say in Texts?

I’ve covered this in my guide on getting her back. But I will go over a few things that you must keep in mind.

Your goal is to build attraction using texts. That means no negative talk. Nothing about the breakup or the relationship. You want her to know that you are glad she was a part of your life and that you want her to be your friend again.

friendzonedNow, while texting, she might bring up her new relationship. She might complain about her new boyfriend. Or she might ask your opinion about something. DO NOT BECOME HER ADVISOR. If you do, you will end up being friendzoned and before you know it, she will always be discussing her relationship problems with you.

Now, you have to use this other guy’s mistakes as your advantage. Texting is perfect because you are in contact with her and he will have no idea. At the same time, if he does find out, they will definitely have a fight about because he will be invading her privacy.

Since this is a rebound relationship, a few fights should be enough to break them off. However, if they persist, she will soon breakup with him after you guys meetup.

Meeting Her

It is absolutely necessary that you don’t ask her out on a date. You don’t want her to feel she is cheating on her boyfriend. So, make sure you are just asking her to “catch up” or go for a coffee”. Make her laugh, have fun, show her how much you’ve changed for the better, show her the new you and she will definitely start wondering whether she is in a relationship with the wrong guy.

There are a few things you should remember while with her.

  • Never talk about her boyfriend. If she brings him up (which she probably won’t), change the topic casually.
  • Don’t ask her to leave her boyfriend. At least not until you are 100% sure she wants to be with you.
  • Do not try to sleep with her. You don’t want her to think that you are only interested in sex. Let her know that you want a real relationship and for that, she will have to commit. (Unless you just want sex, and she is up for cheating. In which case, to each his own)

Usually, during this process, she will decide to leave her new boyfriend and come back to you. But if she doesn’t you have to ask her about it some time. That’s because being friends with her while she stays with her new boyfriend is not good for your emotional and mental health.

After you have spent enough time with her and she still haven’t made a decision, you have to be upfront about your intentions and tell her what you want. You will have to ask her to choose between you and him. Tell her that you can’t be friends with her if she chooses to be with him because it’s too hard for you. I know it’s a tough thing to do, but if you did everything right till now, then I am pretty sure she is going to choose you.

{ 1784 comments… add one }
  • Zach December 11, 2013, 3:43 am

    Me and my ex have been broken up for almost a month now. She got a boyfriend last week who happens to go to her school (we’re in high school) and this has given me hope even when it seems as though there is none. No other guide is this in depth. Thank you.

    • Kevin December 13, 2013, 1:46 pm

      That’s what I was aiming for when I wrote it. Thanks! 🙂

      • Owen February 8, 2014, 6:16 am

        Damn, I wish I had found this sooner.
        My ex and I had been together since the beginning of last year, and, even thouh it really hadn’t been THAT long, things were really looking good. But this past summer, she had to move to Dallas for culinary school (she signed up RIGHT before we started dating). Both of us visited the other one a couple times. She then asked me to move down there with her. I flip-flopped on the idea (I wanted to go, but all of my friends told me she would be back next summer so I shouldn’t bother). This got her upset that I was being indecisive, which reminded her too much of her last relationship (trust me when I say, I was not being indecisive NEARLY on the same scale as her ex).
        Here’s where I made the mistake. I did NOT cut off contact with her. I had been texting her every now and then after that for various reasons. About a month ago, she changed her profile pic on FB to a picture of her hugging another guy (which is a SHITTY way to find out.) I sent her a heartfelt message on facebook pretty much telling her that I was upset about it, but I wanted to be on good terms, and she responded a few days later with another equally heartfelt message. I don’t know when exactly they started dating, but my estimation is MAYBE a month and a half after we broke up (so about 6 weeks after she wanted me to move halfway across the country). Also, a few weeks ago, I met some actors from a movie we both liked (Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero from the awesomely bad movie “The Room”) who just happened to be in my hometown for a show. I told them that “my friend is a big fan and she lives in Dallas now” and to give her a shoutout (which they did). After I sent it to her, she responded about how sweet it was and even texted me a kissy face. Because of these reasons I am almost positive the new guy is a rebound.
        Have I already fucked it up?

        • Kevin February 10, 2014, 4:55 pm

          No you haven’t. You have a pretty good chance.

          • Owen February 14, 2014, 3:08 am

            Well, I’m cutting off contact now. I still have a lot of her stuff here (either clothes she left or stuff she couldn’t put in her car). I just mailed her her clothes with a note that basically said “I’ll send the rest of the stuff when you know whether or not you’re moving back to California” (which she might have to do for financial reasons. since her parents live out there. I, BTW, live in Virginia). But other than that, I don’t plan to text her or message her until at least the beginning of April.

          • Kevin February 14, 2014, 1:27 pm

            Good idea. All the best!

          • Robert October 17, 2016, 3:40 pm

            Me and my gf of six years broke up, she had thrown me out before but I don’t think she ever got over the fact that I had been on a dating site. She constantly accused me of seeing other women, which I wasn’t doing, but she never stopped and so I got back on a dating site and now she has thrown me out, and has a new guy. I would like to be with her, the way it was before she lost her trust in me. I guess my question is can I get her back, and will she trust me if we get back together?

        • Marqualis November 20, 2016, 5:30 pm

          Kevin I’m having trouble me and my ex was together 2+ years and she broke up with me because I was being needy n clingy for her attention than I ask her can she take me back and she said we will see and a like 2 weeks later she’s in a relationship now she saying she loves him trying to make me jealous we been separated for 2 months now I really miss her and love her what should I do can you help me

      • Owen February 8, 2014, 6:24 am

        And even if I never get her back (which, considering the distance, I probably won’t) You did at least put a lot of things in perspective. So thank you.

      • Ray February 18, 2014, 8:07 am

        hey I need ur help ,

        me and my girl were in a relationship for 1year 7months and everything was perfect we were the perfect couple and everything was amazing
        she even told me she can’t live without me and she wanna marry me
        we even planned kids and named them
        everything was amazing but we had a fight and broke up once but we got back again after 40 days and stuff again got normal she told me breaking up with Mr hurts her a lot and she doesn’t wanna do it again and stuff got fixed but then her phone broke we had less time to talk ( we are in a long distance relationship ) I got insecure abd worried and always told her I never wanna loose u and she told me that will never happen then her mom and dad split up and she went under depression and started cutting and stuff I was there with her calling her whenever possible and made her promise that shed never cut but she did again and stuff was nit going right one day she told me she cut again and I got mad and screamed at her but only coz i care for her alot
        then later sge went to hospital and we didnt get to talk for 10 days
        during that 10 days period of time I used to call her mom all the time and ask how she is doing and told her mom.to tell her that i love her and i miss her a ton ( her mom knows about us and she likes me )
        after she came out ( that’s when problems started ) we didn’t get to talk coz she didnt hv phone and I got insecure and worried about our relationship and asked her all time when we talked on fb and I guess ut annoyed her abd wheb she got phone she didnt tell me her new no. and one day she texted me lets go our seperate ways and it freaked me out and i begged , requested and pleaded her to not do it and i kept doing that and freaked her out and she told me to not disturb her

        I apologized to her and told her that wed talk when she wants to talk
        then ( after one week ) one day she texted me and we started talking randomly ( on 12th feb ) and everything seemed good but I had to go somewhere and i think that pissed her off
        next day she just talked for 15mins and said shell talk to me later and shes playing game on her phone
        later she came on and asked me wts my plan on valentine’s day and i said no.plan ( made mistake ) i asked her wts her plan and she told me talk to.people

        next day I asked her ( on 14th ) to go on a date or go on a non date date with me she said ok but its not a date coz she dont want anything to happen
        I asked why and she said shes with some1 else sorta
        I freaked out and asked her if she’s kidding and she said it doesnt matter coz she just makes me depressed and she came to talk to me coz her. mom told her I was depresed and she added she thinks she made me more depressed and she’s gonna go away so i cud. move on and i said no and added she she makes me happiest person alive
        I begged and requested her again to come back that I know i made mistakes and I’m so sorry and I wanna fix stuff

        she said when she was depressed and cut and came to me i freaked out and got mad at her
        I said im sorry and i did that coz i care for her and hate when she hurts herself and she replied ‘k’ I asked for another chance and she said we can only be friends and shes with soneone else now
        I hvnt talked to her since 14 and i dont know wt to do and im freaking out thinking about her with him
        I need ur help coz i want her back i love her a ton and i feel incomplete without her
        help me plzzzz ill be really thankful

        by the way that boy she days shes with is her friend for like 2-3 months ( thats wt scares me alot) though he is just her text friend or her text boyfriend now 🙁

        i dont know wt to sometimes it feels like she is with him sometimes it feels like shes lying and is not with him I dont know wt to do plzzzzz help me get her back
        ill be very thankful for ur help

        • Kevin February 18, 2014, 10:40 am

          Apply no contact. There’s nothing else you can do right now. Contact her after the no contact period is over.

        • Samarth Sheelvant November 8, 2014, 7:05 am

          I really got tears by reading ur love bro. its really fabulous. Don’t worry I’m sure that ull get ur angel as soon as possible. U just stay what she wants u. Don’t loose her. Be cool , she comes to u very soon if ur love is true. ALL THE BEST….!!

      • Nick March 12, 2014, 1:47 am

        So I cheated on my ex. I merely kissed another girl and told her the next day. We’ve had our ups and downs in our relationships. Downs mostly consisting of my selfish ways. She broke up with me four months ago. She told me she started dating someone else and recently they became “official” boyfriend and girlfriend. Throughout she’s always texted me, occasionally id have tough days and beg for her back. But after a week of not talking she called me crying. This past week was her spring break and she went to punta Cana but told me to download this app so we could keep in touch. She’s been inconsistent with telling me she loves me, sometimes she says it other times she doesn’t. I told her she had this week to think about us and that’s all the time I’m giving her. Yesterday she replied to me and said she still won’t take me back blah blah blah. So I ignored her and haven’t talked to her since Monday. Today she’s been blowing me up about my Facebook and telling me to unfriend her friends. She then continued to say I was mean and cruel for ignoring her, and also said “this is exactly why we can’t be together, you can’t keep a damn promise”. She ended the conversation with I hope you the best I love you. I don’t get what to do from here. I want her back but the no contact rule says two weeks no communication. But other rules imply that if she does text you appreciate her reaching out but keep it simple. I need advice asap

        • Kevin March 12, 2014, 6:25 pm

          Let me clarify. If you are doing no contact for yourself (which you should) then you shouldn’t contact her and not reply her. If you believe that she will become too much hysterical if you ignore her, send her a text saying “I have decided I need some space and time and I’ll appreciate it if you respect my decision. I will contact you when I think I’m ready” This should put a stop to her messages and even if she messages you and you ignore her, she will probably understand.

          • Nick March 12, 2014, 6:56 pm

            Damn, I didn’t want to be cruel and replied to her message. I kept it very simple, I told her I thought about everything and that I am respecting her space (cause that’s what she wanted… space) and I’m really glad we can continue to be friends. I ended the conversation by saying I would never ignore you like that and promised id always be here for you (cause I did promise her that). She replied okay thank you! I haven’t messaged her back since. Was that the wrong thing to do?!

          • Nick March 12, 2014, 7:03 pm

            I also want to clarify even though we broke up 3-4 months ago, her and this new guy and became official about a week or two ago. Her and I were in an official relationship for three years before we ended things. We’ve been through it all and she was there for me when my father passed. We planned on spending our lives together. Do these play any factors in this situation I’m in? My objective is to get her so I guess I just need the best advice for my situation

          • Nick March 13, 2014, 11:07 pm

            ???

          • Kevin March 15, 2014, 12:22 pm

            I think what you did was OK. If you want, you can tell her that you need some space and time and you will not be contacting her for a while and won’t be replying to her texts either. I think you have a good chance and her new relationship might be a rebound.

          • nick March 27, 2014, 4:16 pm

            Question. Like I said in my last post my ex said she wanted space so I stopped begging and I told her I came to terms with our breakup and am really glad we continue to be friends. I told her id always be here for her if she needed anything. She ended the conversation saying okay thank you bye! I haven’t contacted her at all since and as of today its been two weeks. I’m not quite sure how long the no contact rule should be applied for in my situation. We dated for three years and about a month after our breakup she started dating. About three weeks ago she became official with this new guy “boyfriend and girlfriend”. I’m not quite sure when I should reach out to her. I’m also confused about this, when I was begging her to come back to me she kept telling me no and that she needs space but she would continue to talk to me. She would text me and even occasionally call. As soon as I gave her space and told her I came to terms with the break up I haven’t received anything, like I said its been about two weeks as of today. What’s your opinion on this?

          • Kevin March 31, 2014, 8:01 pm

            Contact her using texts in this article.

          • Nick March 30, 2014, 9:40 pm

            ??

          • Nick March 31, 2014, 3:32 pm

            Kevin please get back to me with some feed regarding my last post. I need to know your opinion on when I should reach out to my ex and the best way to go about it (letter or text?). It will be three weeks tomorrow since we last talked. Some no contact rules say a few days, others say two weeks, and some even say 30 days and longer… This is kind of confusing me. Please get back to me as soon as you can! Thank you

          • Kevin March 31, 2014, 8:02 pm

            You should reach out now. You’ve given her enough time. Use the texts in this article.

          • Nick April 30, 2014, 2:39 am

            Okay so as you see in my last post you told me to reach out to my ex after reviewing your article. So I did, I simply texted her saying “hi”, just being casual. This was on April 1st. I didn’t receive an answer. Later that night at 1230 I received a text from my ex saying “hi, hope you’re doing well, I miss and I’m always thinking about you. I hope our paths cross sometime down the road soon, and until then you’ll always have a place in my heart”. I studied the text for a little time and questioned something. First I told myself this doesn’t seem like an answer to my text I sent earlier that day, and second could she have blocked my number? Obviously when someone blocks your number you dont receive their texts or phone calls. So this made me wonder, could the both of us coincidentally texted each other on the same day after not talking for a month? Sounds crazy right? I wouldn’t dare call her to find out, I didn’t want to. So I decided to reply to her message, I sent two messages… No reply just as I suspected. So now I realized she is either ignoring my texts which is unlike her, or she blocked my number.
            So I decided to email her. I had a few things to get off my chest, and an apology was in order for the way I acted after the breakup, (crying, begging, etc). Emailing her would allow me to know that she definitely got my message. I emailed her saying I’m sorry, and towards the end of the email I relayed her text she sent me the day earlier saying “I’m always thinking about you, you’ll always have a special place in my heart, and that I hope our paths cross sometime soon!”.
            This is where its get interesting. I GOT A REPLY! Coincidentally we both checked on one another and decided to reach out in the same day after not talking for a month. After this we started talking via email (she still has a boyfriend). She was talking to me telling me she loved me still, saying she likes how were emailing like pen pals, and stuff like that. She even texted me one day saying “check your email!!! I keep checking like an idiot” exact text. So after emailing a week or so she finally unblocked my number.
            We have been texting everyday after that, I even met up with her for sushi, we had a great time. She was holding my hand, giving me hugs, and smiling and laughing! She even texted me after saying “I didn’t want you to leave me”. We’ve talked on the phone as well, she’s always texting me when she’s feeling sick or having a problem, all that.
            BUT recently within the last week it was my birthday, the 22nd of April actually. She was texting me asking if she could be the first one to say happy birthday, she called me at midnight of my birthday and said happy birthday, I love you, and all that stuff. That day my ex said she really wanted to see me and we planed to meet up. She goes to UNH which is over an hour from my house. Later that day she asked if I could go all the way up there to see her, saying she really wanted to see me she just has no gas and also has a lot of homework to do and needs to prep for final exams. I really did not feel like driving all that way on my birthday, was that the right decision to make? Instead I went out with my friends that night. It seemed like the right thing to do, I mean my ex still is dating her boyfriend you know? I didn’t want to do everything she’s asking me to do like you said in your article. She was really upset about not seeing me on my birthday. After that we have hardly been texting at all really, when we have she’s really short with me. I just don’t get how things seemed like they were getting really good and then went to this. Mind you I was also really upset I didn’t get to see her on my birthday… should I have drove all that way? Or did I make the right decision? Not to mention her birthday is coming up real soon in May, we agreed to go out get lobster like we used at the beach. I just want some feed back on how you think she is feeling right now about all of this since she is not texting me at all anymore really. Get back to me asap thank you!

          • Kevin April 30, 2014, 8:17 am

            Hey,

            I am not so sure if not going was the best decision, but don’t obsess about it. What’s done is done. If she is being cold, so should you. Apply limited contact till her Birthday. Only contact when she contacts. IF she is warm, you be warm. IF she’s cold, you be cold. On her Birthday ask her out and have fun.

      • TC May 25, 2014, 3:43 pm

        What if she call or tex you during the no contact?

        • Kevin May 30, 2014, 4:49 pm

          Don’t reply. If she keeps on calling, tell her you need some space and time right now.

          • Armando September 13, 2014, 1:19 pm

            Hey, my girlfriend broke up with me because she liked another guy and I’m trying to get her back,,What should I Do???

          • Kevin September 14, 2014, 10:58 am

            Follow the advice in the article Armando.

    • echo February 3, 2014, 12:35 am

      Kevin and guys,
      I read though this and the blog replies and want to thank you for the work you are doing with men. This world is not set up in a way where guys can express healthy emotions and receive support around that. Guys listen to Kevin on the space thing. I am a female and have two ex’s that I still care about and both wanting to improve themselves, both suffer from unhealthy emotional outbursts and not understanding how to express themselves in healthy ways. I love them both but, am still in love with only one. The one that I am in love with respects me deeply. The other still pushes boundaries.
      I like a man’s positive persistence, but if they do not give me space I pull away farther. I want to still know they care but honor my space. Guys just like you, no one can make you change or push you into decisions, you cannot do this with a woman. You cannot do this with a man. It doesn’t matter who I’m dating, if someone deeply respects me and loves me for me without compromising themselves I will love them forever. I will come around. Be healthy with yourself.
      The only thing I did not agree with was if my man or immediate ex was running around, and being loose and moved on… I would still maybe be a friend, but that door is closed for at least four years, till I see how much they value me as opposed to others. It does not drive me to a guy if he is dating or has cheated. For example neither one of my ex’s cheated on me, or jumped to someone else, so I will come back to them if I feel their deep respect.
      I’m 40 very healthy and have done a lot of work on myself as in mindfulness and honoring self and others. I don’t play games, i’m very direct and honest. And by honoring my beloved ex’s space and being happy on my own he comes back to me with joy and appreciation. I’m just saying. 😉 He honors my space too!
      Good luck guys and stay away from manipulation!

      • Kevin February 5, 2014, 2:50 pm

        Thanks for your comment. It’s good to hear a woman’s perspective on this article. Cheers!!

    • J April 2, 2014, 8:23 pm

      Hello, well my ex and I were together for three years. We have a child together. We decided we needed space about a month and half ago. She met a guy and has been hanging out with him for about a month. She had already told him she loved him. Well I was distraught. So I just quit talking to her period. After a couple of days she keeps calling and saying that we need to get back together. Even told this guy to go away which he hasn’t and now she isn’t sure of what to do. Says she loves us both. I just want my family back together.

      • Kevin April 3, 2014, 4:03 pm

        Give her space and time to figure it out. Tell her you need space and time as well.

    • Mike July 16, 2015, 9:44 pm

      Kevin I hope you still see these massages. My problem is my ex and I dated for 18 months and we have broken up two almost 3 months now. I wasn’t as caring and thoughtful as I should of been to her. I know I still want her back. I ran Into her recently because we both work in the same mall together. She started dating another guy and “he treats her like gold”. We talked for awhile and I could tell she still cares. I didn’t talk about getting her back or act needy I smiled and acted strong and respectful. We talked about how I changed and have been bettering myself in all areas. The other guy called while we were talking and she called him back after our talk. Do you think I can get her back?

  • liam December 16, 2013, 12:16 am

    My ex and I broke up at the end of October after a 2 year relationship. She told me that she started seeing someone else about week later. At first I asked to meet with her (as we broke up over the phone) and in the meeting she told me she was in love with him after knowing him for only 3 weeks. I haven’t spoken to her now since the end of November and was planning on sticking to this plan and getting in contact with her again after Christmas. But I have just found out that her and her new boyfriend have gone away together after being together for only 5 weeks. Is their any hope left of getting her back? She seems so happy in this new relationship and I’m really struggling to see how she can be thinking of me at all when she’s doing these things with him. I have made huge changes in my life in the past month but I don’t see that it would make any difference to her.

    • Kevin December 16, 2013, 2:12 pm

      Hey Liam,

      I’d say it’s a rebound relationship and she is still thinking about you. Trust me, no one gets over a 2 year relationship in a week. I think they will break up soon and she is probably just saying that he loves him to make you feel like she has moved on. The best you can do is not let it get to you and continue working on yourself. Apply the no contact rule for a few months. Don’t pick up her calls and don’t answer her texts.

      • liam December 17, 2013, 1:45 pm

        Hi Kevin, I was planning on contacting her again just after Christmas as that would be a month no contact or do you think I should leave it for longer? I just feel that the longer I leave it the further she will slip away. Also some more background information: we broke up about the same time last year with her ending it again. I went on a rebound but I never really thought of it as a proper relationship whereas my ex is making things very official with her new boyfriend now. Now I feel I have addressed the reasons why she broke up with me (couldn’t see a future with me, loss of attraction) so I’m just hoping I can get back into her life and that she really hasn’t fallen in love with him. Their relationship seems to be moving very fast to as in he met the family and went away with her within a matter of weeks where as it was a few months before I met her parents. I don’t know if that means anything. Been 19 days since I last contacted her now and ot doesn’t feel like she will get in touch with me aby time soon.

        • Kevin December 17, 2013, 3:42 pm

          Give it a little more time than Christmas. Contacting her on Christmas makes it look like you are using the holiday to get in touch with her. Which is again kind of needy. Same applies for New Year. I’d say make it a solid 2 months. But make sure you are doing something for yourself during this time. You should also go on a few dates.

          • liam December 17, 2013, 7:40 pm

            Hi, I’m just afraid to leave it too long because at the time at the break up one of the things she said was that I wasn’t really that bothered that we were breaking up! I’ve been making a lot of changes to my life lately. (Moved house, going to the gym, joining a rowing club and looking into a new career. Also I have booked a skydive and recovered a relationship with my father) I feel that the main reason she finished with me was a loss of attraction and the feeling that she can’t have a future with me as I wasn’t moving forward with my life. She claims to want a future with her new boyfriend. Can she really know this after such a short time? I just keep getting times where I feel really doubtful that she’ll come back to me as she is so happy with her new boyfriend. Our relationship wasn’t great for the last month either but now I feel I am moving forward with all aspects of my life I just hope that she sees this and it makes her think twice amd that things will be different this time. The fact that they went away together recently really got to me too as she always wanted me to be like that but I didn’t used to be that way but now I feel I have changed into someone who is living a life. Do you still think I should leave it another month? It just feels like she is falling for him. She’s even said to me after knowing him for 3 weeks that she would never leave him and would die if he left her. Just sounds like she has already fallen for him?

          • Kevin December 19, 2013, 7:26 am

            Yup, I still think you should wait. But ultimately, it’s your decision. And think about it, she knows someone for 3 weeks she says she will never leave him and will die if he left her? Doesn’t it sound like she is trying to make you jealous? And even if she really believes it, don’t you think she is a little immature to think that she loves this person after knowing him only for three weeks. It takes me longer than three weeks to completely know and get attached to a dog. And dogs are really easy to get attached.

  • sorry December 18, 2013, 8:54 am

    I’m in the same situation Liam.
    It’s tough to get through the holiday period.
    My RX started seeing this guy full on the day we officially broke up.Technically we weren’t even bf and gf as it was always maintained on a friendship basis, but my breakup does feel like I was in a full on relationship.

    I think the women are needy and this is a void for them to fill. My heart does ache if i think about them and see them together, but I know what I had with my “ex” was a strong bond of 4 years…I just was afraid to commit.

    when I finally offeree her commitment because she was with this guy, she thought i was coming too late and have a fear of losing her.

    she know I love her and if she comes back, I’ll have to forget this pain.
    Trust Me, people don’t move on so quickly after such a strong bond. She’s doing it as a revenge and anger and sooner or later she will cone to her senses.

    it will be a hard and long process, but I give her current relationship a few more weeks. Maybe I’m wrong and it will last, but we have to believe a little. One thing I do know, is that when their relationship breaks up, they both will be hurting and you would be in a better position to re evaluate the situation.

    I’m carrying in with my life and not jumping into a relationship so soon. I am not the needy person and don’t want to stuff anyone else up when I’m not ready. I say go have fun and meet people, do exercise and stay healthy. when your ex sees you in good shape and more positive, her mind will be ticking again.

    I’m in a position where I can’t avoid my “ex ” and her bf, but I’m not chasing her and stopping her decision. Sooner or later, her regrets will kick in and she will be doubtful.

    It seems that they have forgotten about us…I just wish I knew what she is thinking now.

    gonna be a tough couple of weeks to get through….I have to have strength.

    • Kevin December 19, 2013, 7:27 am

      Hey Man. Sorry you are going through this. But I like your attitude. I hope things work out for you.

    • Hugo November 8, 2014, 11:38 am

      Hey I just read what your post and I am in the same situation as you man. I was afraid of committing to her and now she is with someone else. 🙁

  • liam December 18, 2013, 2:27 pm

    I also don’t know what exactly to say when I do initiate contact. I feel that she won’t talk to me as she made it clear in the meeting that she wants me to leave her alone and that was 20 days ago. She’s still away with her new boyfriend right now and I’m finding it hard to keep hope. I’ve been bettering myself and am looking to the future which is something she always wanted from me. I felt that since me and my dad stopped talking 3 years ago my life has been on hold but since I have repaired that relationship with him just after the break up with my ex I feel I can finally move forward now. She knows that I am talking to my dad now but when I told her she said she didn’t see how that affected our relationship. I just want her to see that things will be different now. What should be my next move? I want to get back in friendly contact with her again so I can work on building attraction but it seems almost hopeless when she is happy with someone who is already doing the things for her that she wanted from me

    • liam December 19, 2013, 6:08 am

      Another thing, on Facebook yesterday a photo of my ex’s boyfriend came on my news feed. Looks like my ex took the photo and posted it on his profile. Not long after it was uploaded the boyfriend had removed me as a friend. I haven’t had my ex as a friend on Facebook for a while and was just wondering on your opinion of why he deleted me. I have not been blocked by either of them so I can still see some things on their Facebook. I also have my suspicions that it was my ex who deleted me on his Facebook while she uploaded the photo. Just feels like she’s pulling away even more and won’t be willing to speak to me when I make contact.

      • Kevin December 19, 2013, 7:30 am

        Dude, stop obsessing over these facebook things. It’s only going to make it hard for you to concentrate on yourself.

    • Kevin December 19, 2013, 7:29 am

      I’d say that you send her a letter or an email after another 10 days. You can find the format in the complete guide to get your ex girlfriend back. Then wait another 20-30 days and send her one of the text that I mention.

      • liam December 19, 2013, 7:43 am

        Hey Kevin, I don’t think it’s a good idea to send her a letter as I sent her one when I first found out about the new guy and she got him to read it to her! I know it’d be a different kind of letter but I still think it would have a negative effect. She may not even read it! What do you think o should say in the text to reestablish contact? Thanks.

        • liam December 19, 2013, 9:13 am

          Hi just saw your reply to my other comment and I’m going to try and leave contact for longer if I can. It’s just I go up and down, one minute feeling really positive and that you’re right and that there is a chance of getting her back and the next minute I feel like I’m actually in denial and I’m kidding myself into thinking she will come back while she seems so happy. But your article os helping me a lot and I’m doing so much more in my life now than I did before. I also feel stronger so I hope that when I do contact her again she can see these changes in me

      • Henry January 7, 2014, 4:20 pm

        Hey guys I am in the same situation here me and my gf broke up only a week now,she tell me as her school reopens which is next monday she gonna start dating again infact we were texting last night she said she going on a date today… Is that really true or she just wants me to feel bad? Truth is I cheat on she make up her mind to leave but I’m in love with her I can’t watch her leave or to be taken by some oda guy I can’t let that happen… Please does the no contact rule applies here? Do u think I can still get her?

        • Henry January 7, 2014, 4:33 pm

          Hey guys I need help here me and my gf broke up a week now I cheat on her I made a mistake I’m in love with her she tell me when she go back to school next week she going to date some1 else we talk last night she said she going on a date today… Does the no contact rules applies here? Do I have a chance of getting her back?

          • Kevin January 8, 2014, 4:16 pm

            Yeah, it does. Also, it’s not cheating if you did it after she broke up with you. Don’t let her convince you otherwise.

  • broken hearted December 19, 2013, 7:01 pm

    Hey kevin to start with you are so good in explaning things thankyou for this superb stuff.kevin actually i am totally broken hearted rite now, so pls if possible please take out some time to help me out.i was in a realtionship from past 5 years approx.we had a loving realtionship but i do accept that after some time i got relaxed in the sense tha she will not leave me watever. now the past 6 moths of our relationship were not that good and at the end she said to me she has no more feeling for me as there was a new boy who enterd her life as a friend (whom she loves now).i begged like a animal and did all those things and i requested her to give me one last chance but infact she became more irriated with me and her heart was becoming more harder for me and to make things worst she went to new city for job, i was in talking terms wid her but after a gap of some days when i talkd to her few days back she said she is in new relationship and she loves this new boy as she met her in that new city( the new boy went to meet her in that new city).i was shatterd and i didnt contacted her aftr that.kevin i accept i did many mistakes in these 5 yrs but she says that all these yrs she was just compromising herslf wid me and there was no love and am not mature nd all.now she has all sorts of complaint against me,i would like to mention here is that i was loyal wid her just that i took he for granted which i shouldnt have.now i realize that i really love her and am ready to wait.but this new relationshp is worying me because she told me clearly that she loves her then how wil she miss me.i know i made mistakes for many weeks by becoming needy and desperate and all but u please tel me what to do??? am ready to make changes in me ..pls help

    • Kevin December 20, 2013, 1:30 pm

      Hey,

      Start no contact and see how things go.

    • Adi January 17, 2014, 12:50 pm

      It’s like I was in a serious kinda relationship with my ex for 2years….. And suddenly cause of few misunderstandings we culdnt talk and broke up…. She still tried but I don’t realised…. After few days I started trying but she don’t came bck…. And now she is with a guy who used to study with her and now em out…. We had many breakups but we used to b together every time but now she went with other….I knw it’s a rebound relatnship will she ever cme back….??? Should I go and meet her up…. What should I do???

  • broken hearted December 20, 2013, 7:20 pm

    dude ,will this work even if she is at another city now??

    • Kevin December 21, 2013, 9:43 am

      I can’t guarantee you but what other option you have?

      • Jon October 14, 2014, 7:15 am

        Hey Kevin my ex and I had broken up about 2 weeks ago, we were in a relationship of 3 1/2 years, met in middle school ands started dating as sophmores in high school we both live in Boston until she moved to Dallas her junior year we remained in a long distance relationship we were planning my move to Texas so we can start a life together we broke because she thought I was not committed in moving with her and starting a life with her, also we thought that she was pregnant with my child and felt that I abounded her which was not the case I was scared being an 18 year old young man we had gotten in a few argument the past month, she started working at a new restaurant approximately a month ago and began talking to her coworker, she has told that she would talk to him about us and our problems and recently had just started talking about 3 weeks ago , I asked her if she loved him more than me and said yes and also said that she does not want to be mine again, I’m moving to Texas this week because I had planned to a month ago as a surprise for her and I plan on staying especially for school my question is how can she love this man more than me which she has only known for a month and we had a relationship of almost 4 years is this a rebound Kevin because the thought of her really loving this man hurts btw they or not bf/gf officially and she says she wants to talk in person face to face when I arrive

  • Raul December 21, 2013, 2:46 am

    Hello Kevin, this is my story, I’m gonna try to make it as short as possible.

    My girlfriend of 19 months broke up a few weeks ago. It all started with our final exams, we started arguing because of the stress of it. She said she wanted to be alone for a while, so I respected her decision and let her go until things would calm down. Stupid decision. I was waiting for her to come knocking at my door, because she missed me. I grew tired of waiting and things got worse. She said she only wanted to be my friend. I got mad at this and started fighting with her. It never crossed my mind that she was dating someone else. After things cooled down, I started texting her again like we always used to, but something was wrong, she didn’t respond like she used to.

    That’s when I asked her what the hell was wrong: she said she was with another guy. This happened just 3 days ago. She said she was happy with him and she was in love with him. My heart shattered into a million pieces. She blocked me right away from every social network. That night I couldn’t sleep a wink, I went to her house at 6am and she almost left me outside. Luckily, I convinced her to let me in. I asked why she did this to me, how could she do this to me. I started begging and crying that she means the world to me. She started crying too and said she still loved me but now she’s in a relationship. But, the thing that crushed me was that she was going to travel that same day. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I almost had a mental breakdown in front of her, but she was gonna call her dad so I left.

    The next couple of days were hell. She didn’t even tell me where she was or when she was gonna return. I began texting and calling her that I need her in my life, but her response was the same. But in one of those calls, her NEW BOYFRIEND PICKED UP and said she was busy! I was completly shocked, this made me want to kill myself. So last night, I searched the web for help and stumbled upon THIS article.

    When I read that my ex is now in a “Rebound Relationship” and that these relationships never last much, a spark of hope lit inside me. That was the most comforting thing I ever read in my life, but at the same time I was afraid she wouldn’t return. So this morning, I manned up and went to her house. She wasn’t there, but her little brother opened up. I just wanted to leave her a few presents (some roses I picked up from my house, a poem remembering the good times, and a song I wrote for her). But the real reason I went to her house, was to give presents to her family because I had a special bond with them, I was really part of the family. When I gave them the presents, her little brother started crying and saying that he missed me. His mom was also there and she let a tear drop. It was a very touching moment, but I promised myself not to cry anymore. I left the house and it felt great to actually be more mature.

    A couple minutes after I left her house, my ex called me and said “Thanks for the gifts, you’re very sweet”. And my response was “I love you so much, that all I want to do is to make you happy no matter what your decision is”. Right away, I could hear her choking up. She started saying she stills loves me and that I’m very important to her. I made her promise me to unblock me from all social networks to keep in contact. And she made me promise to tell her if I ever start seeing new people. I don’t really know what that meant, but I’m hoping you can tell me what it means.

    Thanks to you, I realized I have the upper hand because I’ve been far longer with my ex than this new guy. The thing is, I don’t know how to take advantage of this. Now that we are friends again, I was thinking on texting her and start a conversation, but I’m afraid that will that lead me to the friendzone. Then I was thinking if I should have no contact with her for a while so she can miss me, but I’m afraid that will simply lead me nowhere.

    She’ll probably be back before Christmas, but I’m terrified the trip will make her relationship with the new guy even stronger. I really want her back before February because it’s the best time of the year in my country. How much time should I wait for her relationship to fall apart? What should I do when that happens? Should I make her jealous by posting photos on Facebook of me going to the beach, going to clubs, doing sports, etc? WHAT SHOULD I DO??? I WANT HER BACK SO BADLY :'(

    PS: Just a few moments, a friend (she’s a girl) invited me to a Metallica concert that is on March. Should I make my ex jealous? And if so, how?

    • Kevin December 21, 2013, 9:50 am

      Well, apply no contact and go on a few dates. Let her come back whenever she wants to come back. Posting pictures on facebook is a good idea but I am afraid if you are friends with her you will spend most of the time obsessing over what she is doing and whether or not she saw your post. You need to start focusing on yourself.

      • Raul December 22, 2013, 7:36 am

        Hello Kevin,

        First of all, I’d like to thank you a million times for what you’re doing. I read both your articles on “how to get back your girlfriend” and you have given me a lot of confidence. I have applied the “No Contact” rule today with my ex, and I think it’s working.

        Today I focused on myself, I spent all morning writting a new song, then I worked out in the afternoon. In the evening, I went out with my friends to watch “The Hobbit” sequel. It was 10pm when in the middle of the movie, she called me twice, but I didn’t answer any call. (The phone was on vibrate so didn’t pissed anyone off lol).

        Then she texted me: “Hi! I was just calling to see how you were doing, but I think you’re busy. When you can, call or text me. PS: I miss you :(”
        It’s the first time she’s said she misses me since the trip! I waited for the movie to be over so I can text back (and damn it was long, almost 3 hours!)
        My response was: “Hey! I was at the movies, sorry 🙁 I watched Anchorman 2 with some friends, it was hilarious!”
        (I didn’t tell her I watched The Hobbit because I promised her a few months ago we would watch it together)
        She responded: “I’ve never heard of it, are you making this up? hahahaha. Well, it’s pretty late, I’m about to go to sleep, I’ll call you tomorrow, ok? Take care! PS: don’t worry, you don’t have to apologize :)”
        Then I texted: “hahaha yeah, i’ts a pretty popular movie. Take care and sleep well :)”
        And then she said: “You too :)”
        Is it okay that she’s trying to call me in the “No Contact” time? She said would call me tomorrow, but I have a bad feeling that if she keeps calling me in “No Contact” time, she might friendzone me.

        Later, when I came back to my house I logged on to Facebook. She send me a friend request! This was unexpected because my plan was for her to unblock me so we can still have contact. That, and so she can see the photos of me having fun with my friends. Should I accept her request? Also, I noticed that a few minutes after she tried to call me, she posted on her sister’s wall that she misses her. And I remembered that every time we had a fight, she would post “I miss you :(” on her sister’s wall. Is she missing her sister or ME? I’m starting to think she’s not having fun with her new boyfriend in this trip.

        Overall, my question is WHAT does she feel for me and WHAT should I do know?

        I know you must be a very busy man and I appreciate what you’re doing. I’m gonna leave my email below so you can write me back. I’m not very comfortable writting everything down for everyone to see. Much obliged!

        • Raul December 23, 2013, 7:48 am

          Hello Kevin,

          Today, I tried to apply “No Contact” rule again. I didn’t log on to Facebook to accept her friend request, but she send me a text message saying “I just got back from bike riding. My brother is really happy for your gift. Thank you! PS: Why haven’t you accept me on FB? :(“.

          I didn’t want to respond, because I read the “No Contact” time takes a few weeks to work. I don’t want her to friendzone me. Later today, she tried to call me, but I didn’t answer. Then, she send me a text message saying: “I think you’re still busy, I just wanted to know when can I give you your Christmas present :/ Write me back when you can, bye!” I felt horrible, but I didn’t want her to feel lonely and ignored.

          In the evening, she texted me: “Hey, how are you? I hope we can catch up on Christmas. When you can, add me on FB. Hope you’re well. I’m not feeling so great :(” This had me really concerned so I HAD to reply her back: “I’m good 🙂 I’m going skating with a friend tomorrow and I just bought a ton of fireworks 😀 What happened? Are you okay?” She replied: “Hey silly, I’m back in town early. I feel very confused right now. But maybe I’m just going crazy” I replied: “I know how you’re feeling, but I just want to give you your space, so you can be happy.” And she said: “I don’t want to make you anymore harm, but I really miss you! Can I call you?

          So she called me and we talked about half an hour. First, she asked me why I wouldn’t add her back. I said I didn’t want to complicate things more and that I wanted to give her some space. I could hear her choking. Then, I told her “The day I begged you, you said you didn’t want to make the same mistakes again. Now I understand, those weren’t your mistakes, they were MINE. I acted like fool these last months. I’m really sorry.” She said that was the most moving and mature thing I had ever said. She started crying and saying she was sorry too. I tried to calm her down. She promised me she would get me the guitar pedal I always wanted as soon as possible.

          We kept talking remembering the good times and I told her some plans I had for the summer. For example, I said I would be going surfing next week and she said she always wanted to do that. I could tell she was pretty happy for me. It was going pretty good until she mentioned the new guy, but I changed the topic immediately. Finally we said goodnight; she said she was so happy that we had this talk and that she will call me tomorrow.

          Do you think I should still stick to the “No Contact” rule? Am I playing my cards right? What should I do now? What’s the next step? I really hope I don’t get friendzoned 🙁

          • Kevin December 27, 2013, 4:00 pm

            Hey Sorry it took a while to reply. Been busy with the holidays. Well, first of all, you didn’t finish the no contact rule. So there is still a chance that she might suddenly decide to friendzone you. So yeah, you have to be careful. I say just stay cool. Never initiate contact. And don’t talk about the relationship you had and the breakup. You have a pretty good chance if you just don’t seem needy in any way.

  • liam December 21, 2013, 5:28 am

    I’m thinking of sending a text in another week or so something along the lines of “Hey how’s things? Hope your Christmas was ok and that all the family are good. Also I wanted to apologise for how I acted a few weeks back, it was disrespectful and I’m sorry and I hope we can put it all behind us. Hoping that you’re well.”
    Do you think that’s a good text to send to rrestart contac? Anything you feel I should add/take away. Again I don’t really wan to write this in a letter as I think that she would get him to read it again. Speaking of which why would you think she’d get him to read that to her? I try to stay positive and strong but I just can’t but think she may really love him.

    • Kevin December 21, 2013, 9:46 am

      Liam, that’s a good text if you don’t contact her after that for another few weeks. I’d also include about you agreeing that breakup was the right thing to do. And don’t obsess about why she got him to read the letter. Doesn’t matter. The only thing you can do is just follow the plan and see if it works. Even if it doesn’t, you can let it go knowing you gave it a try.

      • liam December 21, 2013, 12:39 pm

        Hey Kevin, Yeah that’s what gets me through knowing that I at least have to try. It does feel quite hopeless though. She said that she never meant to start seeing someone straight away but she found him to be “perfect” for her. Don’t know if this means if she’s just got an infatuation with the first person who showed her attention or if she really has fallen in love. If you had to guess what would you say? Also how long was your girlfriend in her rebound relationship for?

        • liam December 22, 2013, 1:02 am

          Also what is it that I hope to achieve from saying that I agree with the breakup because to me that sounds like she’d think “great maybe now he’ll leave me today get on with things now.”
          I’m still finding it hard to accept that she has someone else now. Get that punched in the stomach feeling I don’t know how many times a day but this article has given me a tiny glimmer of hope

          • liam December 24, 2013, 10:14 am

            Also how exactly should I word that I am at peace with the breakup into the text? Thanks

          • liam December 26, 2013, 3:18 pm

            They’ve been putting up loads of photos of them together on Facebook lately and it’s killing me. Is there really still hope to win her back? Can she really be in love with him already? She seems like she is and it really hurts. Been getting really down today because I know that they will be going to her grandmothers house for a party as that is her family tradition. Just hurts knowing it’s not me. Please help

          • Kevin December 27, 2013, 4:02 pm

            Hey Liam,

            Ups and downs are a part of the process. You are not applying the NC rule at all. I don’t think you are ready to contact her. If you do, she is going to see right through you and see how much you are still desperate for her. I think you should block her from facebook or maybe even delete your facebook. Did you try going out on a date with someone?

  • broken hearted December 22, 2013, 7:47 am

    hey kevin, ya actually i dont have any option left…i have applied no contact and started working on me, lets see how things fare up..just 1 thing,til how much time should i apply no contact??..thanks for this page kevin it had helped me tons 🙂

    • Kevin December 27, 2013, 4:03 pm

      30 days.

  • JP December 22, 2013, 8:22 am

    Since everyone else is sharing their stories…

    My girlfriend of one and a half years dumped me back in May. We worked so well with each other. Both of our families and friends thought we were a perfect match. She would go on and on to everyone online about how I was literally the perfect boyfriend, and how I was like her guardian angel who was always there for here. You probably here this mushy stuff all the time.

    However, she said she was “losing interest” towards the very end, and was frustrated with my lack of a car and my slow progress in school, and decided to dump me. Everyone said how I shouldn’t blame myself due to her emotional issues and whatnot (her friends all had my back which sounds strange but hey). Admittedly, I did make a bunch of mistakes afterwards that may have come off as kinda needy because I of course thought if I promised that I would change, she’d come back. However, I decided to stop acting all annoying and soon the dust quickly settled and we were on friendly terms. We even shared dinner twice in the following months. Then something unexpected happened. She invited me to share a room with her at a comic convention she was selling art at, and would later invite me INTO her bed, snuggle up on me like she used to, and whispered “You’re the only person who really cares about me”… like… what?!?!?!?

    Fast forward a few months, she ends up getting a job at the mall I work at. Talk about awkward, right? Not only that, but she starts dating this guy about a month ago to boot! Now, I’m not really intimidated by this guy for several reasons:
    -They work in the same store, and work relationships almost never work out especially since it’s retail and therefore no career ambitions to be had there
    -He likes drinking, which is her absolute biggest no-no.
    -He’s not attractive. He’s not even her type, which she had mentioned several times before when HE tried to make the moves on HER.
    -He’s not very ambitious in terms of his own career and life goals.
    -Apparently they fight often, and she’s gone on record saying to her friends that the relationship has a snowball’s chance in hell even just a month in
    -I’m making great progress both in obtaining my liscense, getting promoted at work, and doing well in school

    Since we’re still on friendly terms, I’ve kept contact to “very limited” rather than cold turkey. She knows I was upset by the breakup, and I don’t want to seem immature in the face of that. I’ve also decided that, in order to keep her interested, I got her a two-part Christmas present. The first part I’m going to give her is a Blu-Ray for The Great Gatsby, which is a movie that she really loved (and also subtly mirrors our current relationship), and then give her a cute necklace on her birthday (I’m going to keep it a surprise though so that I can keep limited contact while still staying on the front of her mind).

    MY QUESTION IS THIS:

    Do you think the situation I’m in can lead to the possibility of us getting back together? Like I said, I’m not intimidated by this new guy, and I’m doing well in improving myself, but I just want your opinion since your articles are so good. Thanks for any and all help!

    • Kevin December 27, 2013, 4:06 pm

      Of course it can lead to getting back together. But I’ll suggest you to not take things too seriously right now. She is young and probably doesn’t know what she wants in her life. So, instead of obsessing over what she wants and doesn’t want, spend more time trying to figure out what you want in life. What type of girl you’ll be happy with?

      • JP January 3, 2014, 2:10 am

        Glad to hear the positive feedback. Funny enough, one of my friends does tarot readings and things and, on a whim, offered to do a reading for me. While I don’t really believe in that kind of thing, she ended up telling me the exact same thing that you said both here and in your article; that she’s just going through this rebound thing and that she doesn’t even know what it is that she wants, and that I’m better off using this time to better myself so that I can be what both she, others, and most importantly I want in myself. Thanks for the reinforcement and to these articles in general. It really helped brighten my attitude 🙂

        • Kevin January 3, 2014, 3:19 pm

          Thanks JP.

  • Jason December 25, 2013, 8:04 am

    Hi Kevin,

    Me and my ex were dating for 3 years before she broke it off with me officially about 2 months ago but we were still kind of talking abit but barely. The reason why was because we were always fighting and I would always assume and turn little things into big arguments. She told me about 3 weeks ago that she had another bf already, and he was in Singapore but was coming down sometime which is a suprise to see her. I have been in so much pain, everyday I wake up feeling like my heart has been torn out, not to mention I lost my virginity to this girl so the idea of her being in bed or holding another man is unbareable and I want to cry everytime I think about it. Ever since then I have been begging her non stop to come back to me but she wouldn’t budge, she keeps saying that she wants to be with me but it’s too soon. So I stopped talking to her for about a week and we had no contact at all. However the past 2 days we have met up and gone to see a movie and just hanged we have been holding each other and kissing each other and saying we love and miss each other, like everything was normal, but then at the end of everything she would say she is confused and she says it’s too soon. But she said she has really enjoyed herself and had fun the past 2 days and was gonna ask her to come out for a coffee tmro. He is coming here sometime after Christmas and I don’t know what to do. Also, she had previously blocked me on all social networks, but when we went a week without contact she unblocked me on Facebook but did not say or do anything so I figured maybe she was trying to see what I was getting upto. But after the first day we hung out my friend (her cousin) told me that she had a guy on her profile picture, so I went on fb and realised she just blocked me just the. So I called her and she said that was her bf, and she said that cos he knew she hung out with me and her cousin he was forcing her to change her picture so she just did it to shut him up.
    I don’t know what to do, do I keep going on the way I am and just hang out with her but not mention anything about him or relationships and make her happy and see what she does or???? I wanted her back before he comes to see her but I don’t know if it will happen that fast.

    • Kevin December 27, 2013, 4:08 pm

      It probably won’t happen that fast. In fact, you gotta let her be and stop communication with her for a while. I think it’s a rebound and it will end soon. You just need to follow the plan.

  • Zack December 26, 2013, 1:26 am

    I’ve been with a girl for about two years..she ended up breaking up with me and I got stuck in the friendzone for a while..then she was kinda cheating on him for me..then she broke up with him..and stopped being “flirty” with me..now it’s a year later but about a week after she “stopped flirting with me”..she’s now with this other guy..I really want her back..but at this point I’m really being friend zoned….help?

    • Kevin December 27, 2013, 4:12 pm

      OK, you can probably get her back by following this plan, but I will highly recommend that you stay away from her for 30 days (or 60 days) and do everything that’s mentioned in the article on how to get your ex girlfriend back. Do you really think you want her because you can have a long and healthy relationship with her? Or do you just want her because she rejected you and you feel like if you can get her to love you and settle down with you, it will be a victory for you.

  • liam December 27, 2013, 5:59 pm

    Hi Kevin,
    It’s weird because sometimes I feel incredibly confident and want to get the ball rolling and feel able that i’d be able to show her the changes in me but then I get other times where I get negative thoughts instead (usually when I start to think about what they might be up to) but when I focus on myself and the positive things that I have done for myself in the past month I feel a lot better. I do still worry that they may be compatible for each other and all the changes I have made are just making myself into what her new boyfriend already gives her so I struggle to see why she would come back to me if she’s already getting her wants fulfilled by someone else??? I think I will be able to initiate the first contact stages soon, I just get times as I have said where I lose hope. I think the sooner I get back into my ex’s head in a positive way by letting her know that I have accepted the breakup, the better as how I left things I don’t think she will be thinking of me with much positivity.
    Also on the subject of going on a date, a girl has asked me out for a drink so we’ll be doing that some point in the new year.

    • liam December 28, 2013, 3:51 pm

      Also it does kind of feel like it may be too late to say that I have accepted the break up and that she’s with somebody else. I mean she already saw how much it hurt me when she saw how I reacted to it when she told me. Feels like she’ll probably think it’s best if I completely stay out of her life now. She even said she wanted me out of her life in one of her texts. May have been out of anger but I don’t know, she seems to be doing fine without me. Even though another thing she told me was that her grades are slipping in college now as she’d prefer to spend the time with him whereas we used to sacrifice time together so she could get her college work done. She’s always been serious about getting good grades and now it’s like her whole priorities have changed since she’s found him.

      • Kevin December 29, 2013, 12:16 pm

        Hey Liam,

        You need to first understand that you are making these changes for yourself and not for her. If you are changing your life because of her, you are still kinda needy and desperate. But if you are making positive changes for your happiness and not just to show her, you don’t really have anything to lose. If she comes back great. If she doesn’t, then still your life is much better than it was before.

        As for her, you should really stop obsessing about everything she is doing because it’s going to drive you mad. I know it’s hard, so try this. Give yourself some time everyday to obsess over her behavior. Write it down if you have to. The rest of the day, you concentrate on your life and your happiness.

        • liam December 29, 2013, 12:55 pm

          Yeah I know I’m making these changes for myself. I’ve made some really positive changes that needed to be made as I feel like I wasn’t really living life before which I feel is one of the main reasons for the breakup. Still trying to keep positive about everything, but I do still worry that she is going to judge our past compatability above the new me in which case she would probably want to stay with her new boyfriend as they appear to have things in common. Just hope she hasn’t really fallen in love with him yet like she says they have and that it isn’t too late

          • liam December 29, 2013, 1:08 pm

            Plus I’m really afraid of saying that I agree with the break up. Worried this will drive her further away

          • Kevin December 29, 2013, 2:45 pm

            Why are you afraid of saying that? If anything, that’s gonna make her realize that you are not going to wait around forever. Right now, she thinks that you are still not over her and would do anything to be back with her (which is true). Right now, she has all the power and she knows that she can have you back at a whim if she wants.

            But regardless, if you don’t want to say that, you can just skip that step and proceed to text messages. But IMO, telling her that you agree with the breakup gives you sort of a clean slate to begin with.

  • Carlos December 28, 2013, 8:02 am

    What does it mean when my ex gets mad at me for saying i have another girlfreind tho I dont have another actually I just told her…… she got mad and wanted to hit me …she has another boyfreind from long distance tho right after we broke up she dated him and she never told him about us and she never told me about them till 3 months later shes always telling me that she dosent love me and only wants to be freinds but i tell her lets cut all contact at all and shes always saying i dont want to lose contact i ask her why not all she says its because your my freind shes always saying if “i gain the love back for you ill take you back” wtf?? We went to the same school just that i transsfered out 4 months ago i think it was all the pain of me leaveing thatbshe probably needed someone else to talk to while i was away oh and we are in high school im 17 shes 18 Lol i was with her for more then 2 years and 10 months how can she easly replace me like that so fast in the past months shes been with him she never told me because i think she was in fear that i will dissappeare for good…and shes always saying i know your going to come back when i love you back ……she said to him that he was her first boyfreind they, re relationship is long distance is she rebounding on me??? She seems to just bury her feelings for me I still love her to death I wana get her back I know she loves me deep in her heart only denys it shes always telliing me sometimes that she dont love me anymore that she loves her current boyfreind to death.,,, my freind told me that she tryed to get at some kid in school while she was with her BF that just tells me she dont love him to death …the way i look at it is she just forgotten whowhat, is one way to make her catch attention to me…I know she still loves me because one day she told me “What if I tell you I still love you”…im returning back to the school where she is at and is it best to ignore her to get her attention and show her that I got strong and dont need her because I heard this makes them come back because of the fear of removeing them of your life either way I just wana know what to do when she first told me I was devastadded I kept begging her and pleading to come probably was mistake because she probably runs to his arms more idk how she loves him they dont even see each other I feel as if there relationship is bound to fail because first i think its rebound second I doubt she reallys loves probably likes him only but not love… I just wana know what to do to unbury those feeling she has for me because I know shes just burying them…any advice im in no contact barely started 4 days ago when I return to school what should I do to show her im a new man and bold I went through alot of pain but ill go through more pain to get her back any ideas plans thoughs on what I should do please??? I know all this probably sounds childish

    • Kevin December 29, 2013, 12:20 pm

      When she realizes that she can no longer control you and that you will move on and cut all contact with you, she will probably unbury her feelings for you. You have to stay on no contact and actually start dating someone. She is just keeping you around because she is confused. And you are letting her keep you on the side while she is with someone else. That behavior is needy on your part.

  • joe December 28, 2013, 7:59 pm

    Here’s my story.
    I was in a relationship with my ex for 7 months. Everything was going great until October came & she started being distant & flaky. I immediately knew it was because of someone else in the picture. So I asked her & she came out clean about it. She told me that a guy from her past that she had a thing going with & had feelings for got in contact with her after 5 years. She told me that she told him about me, that right there Meant that I was going to get replaced by this guy. I forgot to say that my ex was married for 9 years & was going through a divorce while she was with me. It was finalized a month ago. Anyway back to the other guy. Reading the part about what to do to steal her away , I think thats what he did to make her choose him over me & also I know that a woman will always choose a guy who she had more timing with so I understand. But I want her back. My ex told me she doesnt want to lose me that she wants me in her life. But I think shes just saying that to put me in friendzone or back up. She texts me everyday “hey” & calls me everynight & tells me that she misses me but she’s still with this guy. Theyve been together for about a month now. What I know about their relationship now is that hes rushing it. He already asked her to marry him and that she should move in with him & visit his parents. I’ve tried no contact for 5days then Christmas came and I broke it lol. Her birthday is on jan 2nd .
    Can you give advice on what should I do. I told her that I have to do whats best for me and thats moving on and that we could be friends but not now. She still calls and texts me should I just keep ignoring her or ? And do you think her relationship with her new boyfriend is going to last since hes already rushing it even tho she has a stronger connection with him than with me and they know each other longer ?

    • Kevin December 29, 2013, 12:22 pm

      It’s a tricky situation but your best bet is to just keep doing what you’ve been doing. She is going to miss you and she is going to eventually decide between you and him. You can stack the odds in your favor by following the plan (i.e, no contact for a while, then build attraction using text messages.)

  • joe December 29, 2013, 2:47 pm

    She called last night . And told me if I saw us ever fixing us. And I said “theres nothing to fix between us that she’s in a new relationship with someone else” She sounded sad and told me that she had broken up with that guy 3 days ago. ( I kept my cool and asked why) She said because he didnt have her 100% that I was still a part of her and that she did what was best for her & him. She also said that he wouldn’t let her break up with him . He told her ” no you cant do this to me you cant break up with me ” so yesterday she went up to him & spoke to him about it in person. After that she said that me and her couldn’t talk anymore she said she does but that it is “obvious” to her that I’m not interested anymore (which I am but I kept my distance and played it cool when she was with him) She told me that I wasn’t interested anymore because I wouldn’t return her calls or texts. And I told her that she did the same. It would always go to voice mail every time I tried. She told me she had to go to bed because she had to wake up at 9:15am so I told her goodnight and hung. I called to wake her up and it went to voicemail a 2 secs after. I think it did because the other guy probably called her to wake her up since he did that. Well anyways what can I do now that shes wants us to stop texting and calling each other even tho she said she doesnt really want to stop but, that is not fair for her to love me & im not “interested” ? I think shes testing me to see how I react & to see how I feel about her because right now my feelings are unclear with her at the moment because she doesnt kno what I feel for her anymore so I think shes trying to find out. Thanks for replying

    • Kevin December 30, 2013, 12:24 pm

      Yeah, she is testing you. She is as confused as you. I think you just need to be calm about the whole thing and give it time.

  • liam December 29, 2013, 3:11 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    Yeah you’re right, I am going to agree with the break up because I know that we do need a clean slate and I need to take some power back. She can be quite stubborn though so I’m wondering how she is going to react. I will let you know how things go. Thanks

    • liam December 30, 2013, 3:41 am

      Hi Kevin,

      I sent my ex a text apologising for my behaviour during the break up and agreeing with it and I got quite a long reply basically saying that “things are really good” and that she had “the most wonderful Christmas” she then asked a lot of questions and seemed quite defensive. She asked what I meant about agreeing with the break up and asked if it meant that I had moved on or didn’t love her or was trying to spite her. She also went on to ask what I meant about putting things behind us saying something like “do you mean you want me to forget about you and us, I don’t really understand why you have text me.”
      Anyway I sent her a reply a little later on saying that I was glad she had a good Christmas and that I wasn’t trying to spite her, I just wanted to be on good terms and be mature about things and just felt that I owed her an apology.
      What do you make of all this? I also saw that she’s friends with some of his friends on Facebook now which tells me that she’s getting even more involved in his life and I really was hoping that things would have been dying down between them now but it still seems pretty strong to me. Any ways what do you think of her response? Thank you.

      • liam December 30, 2013, 7:54 am

        She also text me back again asking what’s made me glad about us breaking up. What should I do now?

        • liam December 30, 2013, 9:41 am

          Because I was thinking of saying something along the lines of that “glad isn’t really the right word, morethat I’ve just accepted the breakup.” Think I do need to steer her off the topic of the breakup though so I can get her thinking I’m more intereinterested in the future but not sure how to do this? What do you make of it all kevin? Thanks

          • Kevin December 30, 2013, 12:18 pm

            Hey,

            She wouldn’t ask so many questions if she was still thinking about you a lot. She wants to know where you are at. Don’t worry about her new relationship. It might work, it might not. Obsessing over it isn’t going to help you at all. But from her response, she is still not over you. She can’t get over a 2 year relationship so easily. If I were you, I’ll just try to end the conversation as soon as possible while giving the impression that you are on your way to move on.Don’t even give her the slightest hint that you want to get back together. She thinks you are bluffing and is going to try to call you out. Don’t fall into her trap. And then wait another few weeks and then send texts to build attraction.

  • Tyler December 29, 2013, 5:15 pm

    Hey Kevin, I really messed it up during the break up. To the point where during the no contact period she very well may decide she never wants to speak to me again. We have been in no contact for 30 days and am going to give it another 30 days. I have a lot to apologize for and I was wondering this – 1. Is a one page long apology too long? I think she needs to know that I have really tried to understand her viewpoint because during the break up I was very selfish and I made an ass out myself and made her feel horrible, even though she did some pretty nasty stuff too. 2. She loves flowers, her favorite is roses. I thought I might send 4 white ones(purity of my apology, new beginning), 4 yellow(appreciation and friendship), and 4 red(her favorite, duh, plus she like to hang them up to let them die because she thinks they are pretty that way). 3. I have a box of things that are expensive that belong to her. Should I include the fact that I have this in the apology? 4. This would be done at the first of Feb. or so. I figured I’d have this delivered, and then wait a week or so before I attempted to contact her if I don’t hear from her immediately. If she is still seeing the rebound guy, who is a joke, I kinda want to get this over with one way or another before Valentines Day.

    • Kevin December 30, 2013, 12:22 pm

      Hey Tyler,

      Skip the roses. Sending roses to screams of desperation and neediness. You need to keep the apology short and sweet. Like the sample letter in this article. The longer the letter, the more needy you look.

  • Tom December 29, 2013, 7:29 pm

    Me and my girlfriend broke up a while ago and when she got a new boyfriend, I thought that my chances of getting her back were absolutely tiny. Since then, I’ve done everything you said because it sounded like it could work and yesterday she told me that she still loves me and she can’t remember why she dumped me but she doesn’t want to hurt the guy she’s with. What do I do from here?

    • Kevin December 30, 2013, 12:28 pm

      Don’t force her. Just tell her to do what she thinks is best for her.

  • Jason December 30, 2013, 4:35 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I broke up with my ex about two months ago. We have been together for almost 2 and a half years. It happened because of her family. Her father’s a preacher and her parents strongly disagree with her being with a non-christian, I told them I would start going to a church, but they say that way I would only do it for her, not God, yeah I know they’re kinda stubborn. They were pressuring her, she was struggling, so I made the decision to break up with her, even though it was hard for us, it’s better than her arguing with her family all the time. At first she kept holding on to our relationship, she wouldn’t let go, and I know it must have been super hard for her, being between her family and me, so I did what I thought was the right choice, I pushed her away, I showed no interest. I knew it was hard for her, she cried a lot, it was harder for me to see her suffer and act like I don’t care, but that’s the only way to stop the conflict between her family and her, and I thought after some time she would recover, and after a couple of weeks she let go. After that I told myself I would start going to a church, but I didn’t tell her why did I push her away. In her opinion, I am a jerk that gave up on her, but I really didn’t mind, because we’ve been through the phase where I told her that I’d start going to a church, and because she knew about that, she didn’t want to let go, and then more arguments between her and her parents, so I did what I did. But I never stopped loving her. She hated me, I know, for giving up on a relationship that has been through so much. But I haven’t really given up yet, I just needed more time to prove myself. I started going to church, I started changing myself, I didn’t tell her though, I only wanted to let her know after I’ve fully changed. And before I can do it,after two months, she has a new boyfriend. They seem really happy together, and the worse part is, her family approves of this new guy, because he’s a church member and has known her family for a really long time. It really hurts me a lot seeing her with this new guy. I’ve tried seeing things from her perspective, I understand why she hated me, and this guy was there for her while she was broken, why wouldn’t she fall in love with him. Now I’m just so lost, what do I tell her? Am I even supposed to tell her that I’ve been going to a church? Wouldn’t that ruin their relationship? I feel so stupid for doing what I did back then, pushing her away, I thought I made the right choice. She doesn’t hate me that much anymore right now, I’ve only spoken to her a couple of times for the past couple of months, but I don’t know how she feels about me now. Maybe she’s given up on me, maybe she’s happy with what she has right now. But I’ve worked so hard for this relationship, if only I had more time, what do I do now ?

    • Kevin December 30, 2013, 12:32 pm

      I think you should just tell her what about the changes you’ve made. Let her know everything and let her decide what she wants. At that time, the best thing you can do is accept her decision.

  • liam December 30, 2013, 12:27 pm

    Hey, I sent another text saying that glad wasn’t really the right word I had just accepted it, I also said that I didn’t want us to resent each other and want us to be on good terms. Just see what happens now I guess. Thank you so much for this Kevin, really do appreciate all you are doing. Just hope this plan works. Is hard to not think about her new relationship though.

    • liam December 30, 2013, 3:06 pm

      Hi, had a reply saying that she is glad that I’ve moved on and has no problem being on good terms but also went on to say that we probably won’t see much of each other in the future as she’ll be going away to do further study. But I don’t think that will usually start until late next year so I’m not sure why she brought it up? What do you think about it all?

      • liam December 30, 2013, 3:16 pm

        Also I stayed cool in my response and said it sounded really exciting and it would be good to hear more about it sometime. I then just wished her the best for the new year. Felt like she didn’t want to talk to me again and didn’t care if she saw me again or not. Why do you think she brought up moving away? To try and catch me out like you said and get an emotional reaction?

        • liam December 30, 2013, 6:59 pm

          Another development, she came in to see me while I was working today. I work in a store so she was talking to me while I was serving customers. I kept my cool and she said I was looking good. She was catching up and we were talking fine and she started saying how she’d be spending the new years eve with her new boyfriend and was on the phone to him with me there planning for him to go round later. I suggested maybe talking another time andbshe said that wouldn’t be fair on her new boyfriend. I replied saying that I understood and played it cool and I think she got upset by how upbeat I seemed to stay. She left without saying goodbye while I was serving a customer so I text her saying sorry I couldn’t talk to her properly but was nice seeing her. What should I make of all this. It really hurt her saying those things about him but I think I held it together. Oh and she said that he’s hopefully going to be moving in with her. That hurt too. What do you think about it all?

          • Kevin December 30, 2013, 8:28 pm

            Hey Liam,

            I think she is doing everything to try to get a reaction out of you. She can’t believe that you are moving on. Because she hasn’t moved on. She still has feelings for you. Be cool. Don’t initiate contact for a few weeks. If she initiates contact, be cool and upbeat. It’s going to take some time for her to realize that she is just using this guy to avoid facing the grief of breakup. But she will eventually realize it.

  • joe December 30, 2013, 2:06 pm

    We spoke again on the phone and when I told her if we could sleep on the phone she said that the guy was on his way to go over her house that hes staying with her for new years and her birthday. That got me angry and confused. So I just said my goodbyes. Im not dealing with that, she said she broke up with him bcuz of me & now shes letting him stay over and still be with him? When I told her that she said it again “hes not gonna let me leave him & I love him” . Before that she had said she loves me and cares about me but she thinks shes inlove with him. That shattered me. I honestly think shes feeling like this bcuz theyre in the honeymoon stage of the relationship . The lovey dovey part of it. Anyways yea im going to move on even tho she wants me to be in her life. But when I asked in what way she said as friends. I cant be friends with someone I love. I know it will be hard , & even harder now that I know that theyre gonna be together on new years and her birthday and probably get freaky on her birthday. But im gonna have my mind on something else. Thanks for the reply.

    • Kevin December 31, 2013, 8:32 am

      It’s a good decision Joe. All the best!

  • liam December 30, 2013, 9:38 pm

    I really hope you’re right, she replied saying that I looked well and was happy for me and that it was a shame I wasn’t like this before but that things happen for a reason a she’s sure that we’re both happier now. What’s your opinion of that? I replied saying I wish that I had done all this sooner and that I now have a passion for the the future

    • liam December 31, 2013, 6:14 am

      I’m also worried that if she thinks I’ve moved on she will just stay with her new boyfriend anyway instead of trying to come back to me

      • liam December 31, 2013, 6:16 am

        Because her last text is really eating away at me when she said things happen for a reason and that she’s sure we’re both happier now…

        • liam December 31, 2013, 8:30 am

          Or do you think that maybe it was a hint that she wants to get back together? I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to miss my chance!

          • Kevin December 31, 2013, 8:38 am

            Hey Liam,

            You are just over-analyzing the situation. It could be that she is thinking about getting back together. But any move from your part right now is going to ruin your chances. The only reason she is even thinking about getting back together is because she thinks you are moving on. If you even show her that you are needy and are still obsessed about her, she is going to pull away.

            You have to stop obsessing about her because if you keep this attitude, she is going to realize sooner or later that you are still obsessed about her and she is going to pull away. Start enjoying your life. Go out for the new year. You’ve planted the seed in her mind, let it grow. Give her time to think about you. Let her wonder what you are doing with your life. Don’t contact her.

            I know you are worried about her new relationship, but if you even hint that you want to get back together, while she is in this relationship, she will put up her defenses. Just stick to the plan.

  • Matthew December 31, 2013, 2:57 am

    My ex’s birthday is coming up, early jan. We have been broken up for about 5 months now. Unfortunately, it went from possibly getting back together to mess up again. I started the no contact rule and she contacted me 2 months later. She said she was unsure of what she wanted after I told her how i felt. We communicated again but I started the no contact again 2 weeks ago. I even blocked her on FB(I have removed the block to not mix bad signals, but still not a friend).She has a new boyfriend now. My question is should I wish her a happy birthday? How much longer should I keep the no contact rule for?

    • Kevin December 31, 2013, 8:39 am

      I think 2 more weeks. You can wish her happy birthday if you want. But make sure you keep the conversation short and without any emotions.

      • Matthew January 1, 2014, 8:12 am

        Well her birthday is Jan 6 so that would interfere with the 2 more weeks of no contact. But should I send her a friend request after the 2 weeks? And on the wishing her a happy birthday, what would you do in the situation?

        • Kevin January 2, 2014, 9:38 am

          I’d wish her happy birthday.

  • liam December 31, 2013, 11:26 am

    I’m just really worried that if she thinks I’ve moved on then she will completely move on with her new boyfriend and her saying that they are hopefully going to be moving in together after only being together for 2 months makes me think she’s serious about him. Or I don’t know, maybe she was saying that for a reaction too. I will trust you and leave contact for now as I was the last one to text anyway (as she is spending all of new years within him alone) the thought of them spending it alone together really hurts too and I just wish more than anything that it was me with her.

    • liam December 31, 2013, 1:06 pm

      And I’m just terrified that the more time that they spend together the stronger their bonds will grow and the weaker ours will become. Do you really still think she still has feelings for me?

      • liam December 31, 2013, 1:41 pm

        I just would have thought that if seeing that I am ok really had affected her then she would have asked for me back by now. Or at least taken space from her new boyfriend instead of spending all this time with him still. I just saw them both together in his car and I think she waved at me which makes me think she’s told him that we’ve spoken.

        • liam December 31, 2013, 4:46 pm

          I just feel like I might be missing an opportunity if I don’t do anything now

          • liam January 1, 2014, 10:07 am

            And it feels like she wants me to act to try and save our relationship. Argh this is so hard. It feels like I should tell her what I want now and that I still want her!

  • liam January 1, 2014, 10:10 am

    It’s just that last text, where she said “if only you had all this healthy energy a year ago, ahh well things happen for a reason and I’m sure we’re both much happier now.” Made me feel like I have to act now. What do you think?

    • Kevin January 2, 2014, 9:36 am

      Hey Liam,

      OK, so you feel like she is giving you an opportunity and you will miss out if you don’t do anything right now. For a moment, step back and think if you are just panicking and obsessing over just one of her text.

      I strongly believe that if you make a move right now, she is going to back off and she is going to pick up on your neediness and desperation. Trust me, if I can pick up on your desperation from your comments, then so can she after a few interactions from you.

      Heck, even after you contact her, you gotta build attraction with text messages for a while before making any moves. She is rethinking her decision of breaking up. But if you contact her right now. She is attracted to the positive energy you have right now. Any desperation from your side is going to send you right back to square one.

      So yeah, I think you should wait for a few week. I know you think that she will get closer to her new boyfriend and forget about you, but I really don’t think like that.

      If her new relationship is really that strong, then there is nothing you can do right now that will separate them (and I am sure this is not the case). On the other hand, if this new guy is just a rebound (which I am quite sure he is), then a few weeks is not going to matter that much. In fact, the more time she spends with him, the more she will miss you and keep wondering about the new you.

      But again, that’s just my advice. In the end, it’s your decision.

      • liam January 2, 2014, 10:17 am

        Hi Kevin, ok I will stick to the plan and and not contact her for a little while longer. What do you think she is thinking then judging by that text where she said “I’m sure we’re both happier now” and “its a shame that you didn’t have all this healthy energy a year ago.” To me it feels like she’s accepting us moving on and not trying again for us even if she is maybe wondering if she made the right choice. What do you think is going on in her head? Thanks

        • Kevin January 2, 2014, 10:58 am

          Doesn’t matter what she is thinking or what’s going on in her head. She is just confused and if you try to understand what’s going on in her head, you will also get confused and probably make some mistake.

          • liam January 2, 2014, 11:32 am

            Ok, I just thought that I’d have a better chance with everything if I had a better grasp of what she is thinking

  • liam January 2, 2014, 1:18 pm

    And also would they really be making plans to move in together at her place (about a 45 min journey from where he lives now) if they weren’t serious about each other? Because that tells me that he’s probably looking for a job over there so he can move in with her 🙁 just doesn’t feel like she can really have any thoughts at all of us trying again when she seems happy and making these future plans with him after only being together for 2 months.

    • liam January 2, 2014, 4:04 pm

      Just feels like she’s slipping further away. Do you think it’s likely that she will come back? Just finding it so hard to keep hope when it just seems like she’s left me in the past.

      • liam January 2, 2014, 10:01 pm

        And I wish I could see how you’re so sure that they won’t last together when they seem to be going strong 🙁

  • liam January 2, 2014, 4:50 pm

    Plus they’ve spent loads of time together over Christmas. When she came to talk to me she told me that she has only seen her family 2 days over the holidays so I’m assuming she’s spent the rest of the time she’s been staying at his place (seeing as she asked him to bring her pyjamas with him when she was on the phone to him) 🙁 it all just keeps going round my head and I can’t see why she’d be missing me if she’s enjoying spending her time with him. Would have thought she would have text me again if she really did miss me

  • Guy January 2, 2014, 7:14 pm

    Hi, was wondering if you could have any insight on this one.

    My gf and I broke up about 4 and half months ago. We had been dating for 4 and a half years, and knew each other a year and a half before that. (We are both 26.) We were very committed to each other, absolutely love each other, and she often said I was the one and made it very clear she wanted to marry me. I would say that we had a good relationship, but things like stress, insecurities, and immaturities caused the relationship to go downhill towards the end, and the last year was absolutely terrible.

    During the final year, she moved to Japan to teach and planned to be there 3 years. This obviously caused us a lot of stress, but I visited her twice for 3 months each time. Both times were very stressful because both times we knew a breakup was likely imminent. I was struggling with commitment issues and whether or not I wanted to be in the relationship forever.

    During the second visit, I finally pulled the trigger and broke up with her. I couldn’t handle the stresses that we caused each other anymore.

    After the breakup, however, I was able to mature very quickly, get past my issues, and came to realize that she absolutely is the one for me and I can’t imagine being with anyone else.

    The thing is, some bad stuff happened after I left, and I completely shut her out because I couldn’t handle it, plus I had a lot of indications saying that I probably shouldn’t contact her when in reality I should have. This hurt her beyond repair, and branded me as an asshole by a lot of people. (In other words, we had no contact for about 2 months while she was in pain and despair.)

    2 and a half months after the breakup, she got into a long-distance relationship with her friend in England, who she’s been internet friends with for almost 10 years. (He was there for her via Skype as soon as we broke up to comfort her and see if she was okay.) This devastated me and sent me into a long series of “don’t do this if you EVER want to get back with your ex” mistakes, like emotional apologies, love confession letter, trying to be friends, etc.

    But things SEEM like they could be salvaged, if I had help. She has recently applied (and gotten into) grad school in England, where she plans to go in a year, for a year. (So to recap, she has been in Japan for a year, will be for another year, then is going to England to go to grad school for a year, and England is also where her new boyfriend is.) The only thing keeping me sane is that they won’t be in close proximity to each other for a year aside from when she visits him and he visits her, which I think have been planned. That also means that since they’ve been internet friends for so long, that there’s no reason for them to break up because they’re STILL internet friends, just more. And she is very loyal, so there’s no “stealing” going to happen here.

    As you can see, things seem absolutely hopeless, but after looking online she has displayed a lot of signs of a possible reconciliation one day if they ever broke up- she has asked about me a lot to our friends, came to me when she was having a nervous breakdown, seemed conflicted during the Skype session that resulted from that, things like that. She did absolutely maintain that we were done, though, and she seems (to everyone, not just me) insanely incredibly happy with how things are going for her. If I had to guess, she is extremely hurt by me, still loves me, but is doing her best to move on, and is very happy being on her own and making her goals.

    During our Skype she acted very awkwardly, asked me awkward questions (“So! How’s your love life? Any girls?” and said things like “You should get a girlfriend so you can be happy and I don’t have to feel like a bad person!”), and she seemed very conflicted after I’d said a few apologies in person as opposed to e-mail, and talking with her, aside from the awkwardness, was honestly a lot like when we first started dating. I even made her laugh a few times. But a lot of the conversation was about the relationship, and again, she maintained that she was done, it was too late, and she is extremely happy.

    The thing is, I read all this advice just now, and not at the beginning. I already did a lot of moping, love confessions, and that sort of thing. We’re at the stage where I don’t think she’s accepted my apologies for not being there when things went badly for her (I don’t expect her to ever accept them), but she is friendly and we can chat via e-mail. Thing is, with all the complicated happenings, I’m not sure what stage I should be at– no contact, some contact, etc. Currently, I’ve decided to go “no contact” and see if she messages me for anything, but if she does, it would be weird to ignore her at this point seeing as we’ve chatted some. Also, she’ll be at an event that we run as group in mid February, which will be a chance to see her in person, but based on our Skype, I don’t think she’ll be able to handle it beyond being incredibly awkward.

    I apologize for the long message, but it’s a fairly unique situation, I’d think. I’m just looking for a direction, or a plan. Even if your advice is to give up and move on, I just want an opinion on it.

    I sent a message via your contact form that may have more information, but I don’t have a copy of the full thing, so I decided to post here. If you happen to have that, you could read it as well.

    Thank you for your time.

    • Kevin January 3, 2014, 3:36 pm

      Hey Guy,

      Long Distances are always tricky ones. But, I have had a few cases where things worked out even though the ex was far apart. The key here is to talk about the positive changes in your life with her. It’s good you are still on talking terms. Stay on no contact for a while and then follow the rest of the plan.

      • Guy January 4, 2014, 2:44 am

        How long should I stay no contact? What if she contacts me, since we’ve been chatting some? What if it’s for something big again?

        What should I do at the event we’ll both be at in a month and a half?

        Do you feel like there’s actually any hope, or should I give up?

        If there’s hope, how can I speed things along, or should I just let it happen?

        Sorry, I just see how happy she is constantly despite being blocked on facebook and it hurts to see. I don’t know what to do, and really I know there’s nothing and I should let it go.

        Thanks.

        • Kevin January 6, 2014, 3:45 pm

          In your case, I’ll say 15 days.

          Be friendly. Treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. And enjoy yourself.

          Yes there is hope. But it’s important to manage your expectations. Don’t let this hope turn into an obsession. Carry on with your life normally. Don’t let this hope of getting back together interfere with your goals in life.

          Don’t try to speed things up. Let it happen.

          • Guy January 6, 2014, 9:42 pm

            Thanks! I’m past the desperation stages, so my hope is pretty much just that- hope.

            I found out that after our Skype she desperately tried to Skype with one of our friends being very conflicted about it.

            But something’s changed a little:
            Back when, she blocked me on Facebook so she wouldn’t have to see my posts, because it was painful for her. Well, just a few days ago she unblocked me (I realized after a bit it was to see my posts in a group chat we were in), but I still saw her posts everywhere, which is currently too unpleasant for me, so I blocked her right back.

            She went to a friend about it, but I don’t know how she feels about it, if she’s mad or upset or what.

            Anyway, with this new development, should I maintain no contact for the 15 days, or should I try to be like, “Hey, I’m still fine with chatting, but I just can’t see you on Facebook right now.”

            Depending on how she reacts to me having reverse-blocked her, she may be entirely unhappy with communication. Any thoughts?

            Thanks again.

          • Guy January 7, 2014, 9:44 pm

            So now that I’ve reverse-blocked her on Facebook, how should I proceed? I don’t know how she’s reacted to it. But now I know she’s been really conflicted about a lot of things.

            Should I initiate contact at the end of the 15 days? Or should I just not say anything at all? I feel that by blocking her she may feel like I don’t want to talk to her, or she may not want to talk to me. If I do initiate contact, how should I go about it so it comes off as natural instead of her ex trying to get in touch with her?

          • Kevin January 8, 2014, 4:12 pm

            I’ve mentioned it in my other article on how to get your ex girlfriend back.

          • Guy January 9, 2014, 5:13 am

            So, I’ve tried to do nothing but focus on myself. I exercise every day, have a good diet, and have taken up several skills and hobbies I am enjoying, AND I have a project I’ll be working on heavily for the next month.

            But, anytime I’m not directly focusing on something, thoughts about her seep in. I’m not sure how to avoid this. I’m doing as much as I can, I feel.

            I’m also torn between trying to maintain some sort of hope, or just giving up entirely. One of our friends that talks to both of us equally maintains that she is -done-. While she may feel conflicted here or there, she has no interest in anything working out again whatsoever.

            I’m trying to accept that, but it’s difficult. Our friend also suggests just cutting ties completely. No “talking after x amount of time” or anything like that. She knows that being friendly is too painful, especially when my ex has no interest in being anything other than platonic.

            Everyone tells me to just let go entirely, not talk to her at all, and just move on. Despite everything going on, I still don’t feel like I have much to look forward to.

            I’m currently thinking to just go no contact entirely. I can’t see starting up talking again being very beneficial to me.

            Any thoughts on any of it? I appreciate the help you provide here. Thanks.

  • mark January 3, 2014, 12:36 am

    my girlfriend broke me up..because she said his tired of what we have, dec 4 2013 i called her and then she said that she need space, she want to leave her alone. but dec 15 2013 i found out she had a 2 months boyfriend..to make story shorten this guy came in the middle of our lame relationship but she said he loves me she dont want me to leave her but she said she already love the guy because his the one shoulder to cry on the time im not around. so she doesnt want go back to me unless she have 100% love to me. then she said shes happy of what she have right now. and shes willing to take the risk of the decision she made.but i know she will miss me because i try it, tried not to text and call her before holidays.. she texted me” i miss you” then i reply back of what useualy, do you think i need to apply the no-contact rule? its really freaking me out when i know they seeing each other:( pls help me bro..

    • Kevin January 3, 2014, 3:29 pm

      Hey Mark,

      Yes you need to apply the no contact rule. You need to stop freaking out and start feeling better before you contact her.

      • mark January 6, 2014, 6:48 am

        hey! what if he didn’t reply on my text after my no – contact rule?what if she ignore my txt? what should my next move? thanks for your reply it helps me a lot to thinks and plan everything..

        • Kevin January 6, 2014, 3:26 pm

          Hey Mark. If she didn’t reply, then you give it another few weeks and try to contact her again.

          • mark January 7, 2014, 2:29 am

            hey kevin i have recieve early today a message from her.. but she only reffering of the things i left. do you think she miss me? i didn’t contact her for 5 days and planning not to replying her for a month.. i got smile on my face after she txt me:) i really really miss her:( but i know maybe shes happy to her new guy.. i felt so hopeless..

          • Kevin January 7, 2014, 9:41 am

            It’s just a text for your things. Don’t over-analyze it. Stay on the plan.

          • mark January 8, 2014, 7:23 pm

            kevin she message me “sad face” and she call me trice..i pick her call but i talk her like a friend.. but i did not asked her about her message of why she did that!..or asking her if she had a problem, but i dont think if i did well in the way i talk to her.. hopefully! because i dont know what brings to her mine after we talked., but we talked very fast.. and i only bring the topics to how to get my things back and how i get it. and then i said that i have to hurry cause i have to go. but now i wondering what her problem why did she send me a sad face:( i want to comfort her, maybe she has a problem. what do think?should i stick to tha plan to no contact rule?

  • liam January 3, 2014, 2:37 pm

    Plus to me it looks like she is just genuinely glad that I’m “moving on” and I’m just terrified that that may be the case. Judging by her reactions in texts and her coming to see me at work where would you say she’s at? Just finding it so hard to keep hope!

    • Kevin January 3, 2014, 3:27 pm

      Hey liam,

      I know it’s hard to keep hope. But I think sticking to the plan is still your best bet. What other options you have? Going to her house and begging her to take you back? The way I see it, this is probably the only option you have that won’t make you look like an idiot. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t move on. You said in one of your comments that you have accepted that she is with someone else and that you two broke up. But the rest of your comments show something else. The fact is, there is fear in your mind. Fear of losing her forever. I know it’s a scary feeling and it’s taking over your mind and your thoughts for most part of the day. But this fear is not going to help you at all. It’s not going to help you get her back and it’s not going to help you move on if you don’t get her back. This fear is just going to eat up all your mental energy and leave you feeling like shit.

      I guess what I am saying, accept that you have a fear of losing her forever. And accept the possibility that you may lose her forever. It’s a big leap from where you are at, but it’s necessary. Start thinking about what you will do if you do lose her forever. Start planning your life without her. Trust me, it’s not half as bad as that fear will have you believe. In fact, it might be even better than ever. I told you that I couldn’t guarantee that you will get her back. You have a plan that you have decided to follow. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you accept your losses and move on.

      • liam January 3, 2014, 3:48 pm

        It’s just that I think that maybe she has seen a change in me now and it might be enough to ask her if she wants to maybe try again? I just don’t know where she’s at in her mind. Do you really think she still has feelings for me in her behaviour or is merely trying to figure me out for her own curiosity? I am afraid that I have lost her forever and I haven’t heard anything more from her since the day she came to my work

  • liam January 3, 2014, 5:25 pm

    And I think knowing her that she will start forgetting about me now that she thinks I’m moving on 🙁

  • liam January 3, 2014, 11:56 pm

    I just feel like I keep suffering relapses. I don’t understand how she can have moved on with someone else so quickly and say she doesn’t think she really loved me and has stronger feelings for her new boyfriend. I hope you’re right when you say it’s all just a rebound but I am struggling to see it that way 🙁

    • liam January 4, 2014, 7:30 am

      And my dad is getting remarried in march and I would just love more than anything for her to be there with me but it’s just so hard to keep hold of that dream when she seems so happy with someone else

      • liam January 4, 2014, 10:08 am

        Just judging from her reactions to my text and coming to see me where would you say she’s at right now? Please would really value your opinion on what would be going through her mind based on her actions and what she has said.

        • liam January 6, 2014, 4:13 am

          Please Kevin, would really like to know what you think is going through her head at the minute with her reaction to my text and her coming to see me ib work (however I have still not heard anymore from her so do you think she really can actually ve wondering about getting back together?) I want to know because I want to text her today to start building attraction. Can’t stand the thought of her with him for any longer. Please help!

          • Kevin January 6, 2014, 3:31 pm

            Hey Liam,

            As I said before, she was confused and probably surprised by the thought of you moving on and being happy. Till the moment you sent that text, she was assuming that you are not over her and she can still have you whenever she wanted. The text made her realize that you won’t wait for her forever and that probably made her a little scared. She might be thinking about getting back together. I can’t say for sure. But I can say that she does respect you more than before. Again, it’s just my guess and it’s as good as yours. All the best.

  • Dan January 4, 2014, 11:55 pm

    Hi,

    Thank you for your website and for helping all ouf us. Thanks to the other guys sharing their stories, some of them really moved me.

    I am kind of the other guy.

    I met this awesome girl this summer. We got on really well right from the beginning. On the second date though she informed me that she had a boyfriend, who was living in another country but would come to live with (and for ) her soon.

    Thus I decided to have a fun time with her but did not want anything serious out of this relationship. However from that moment on we were inseperable, we got on like two people who are meant to be with each other. Two people who are not perfecet in a long shot, but none of us had ever felt so close to antoher person in his whole life. We spent literally every second together.

    Time however was running out and after two great month her boyfriend came. Her plan was to leave him (she had told him about us before, and had hoped that he would leave her) and make it at least hurtful for him as possible, but in the end she could not do it. There where a couple of reasons why she could not do it, which I partly understand. Both of us however ended up being hurt – I started dating the girl she had always been jealous of for not being alone and as well for revenge.

    At first we were still seeing each other, but decided to stop that and continue being friends; she was very sad and crying – I consoled her; I was very sad but remained strong (for the both of us). I truly thought this was the best for us, as I want her to be happy – well I want us to be happy. I told her that I needed however at least three weeks of space and that we would see each other at christmas.

    The time without her was extremly difficult, I could not belief how one could miss someone after such a brief period. I did not contact her at christmas, I wanted and needed more space. I always wondered how she was and if she got on well with her life and her boyfriend.

    She wrote me an E-mail in the end, saying that she really wanted to speak to me at Christmas and that she could not contact me since her phone had been stolen. She wished me all the best and stated three times that she loved me (there are two words for that in our language, she used the one that can be used between friends or between lovers). She stated that she was feeling alone and was feeling lost and confused. She said that she was always with me in her thoughts and really wanted to see me in the new year.

    I did not respond until yesterday, I wrote a short answer saying that I had just come from the beach and was thinking of her since I always loved travelling with her. I also let her know that I’m having a great time and told her that she should send me her phone number and that I would contact her. She has not responded yet, which does not surprise me. I think she will wait a couple of days or a week just to get back at me. I fear she got hurt, as I must have given her the impression that I was not missing her at all.

    Now normally I would give it a shot and see if I can “steal” her away from the current boyfriend. But I really love her, not just in falling in love way, but as well as a brother loves a sister. I do not wish her to get hurt more in any way. I fear that she does not have any real good friend either and in my life I don’t think I will find a person that deserves to be loved more than her.

    And this is my problem, on the one side I really want to be with her – we are great together. On the other hand I don’t want to risk hurting her. I’m sure she does not want to be with her current boyfriend and hates herself for that – he left everything for her. This is so difficult for (I bet the three of) us.

    What is a good and ethical way to behave in such a situation? By the way do you actually think that sharing this very post with her is a good idea?

    • Kevin January 6, 2014, 3:39 pm

      Hey,

      “Stealing” her is not a bad thing if you are sure that she will be happier with you. If what you say is true, her relationship with her current boyfriend won’t work out despite what you do. She will become resentful and the relationship will slowly deteriorate till the point of breakup. So yeah, stealing her might save both of them some time.

      And no, I don’t really think sharing this post with her can have any positive impact on your situation. But I can be wrong.

      • dan January 7, 2014, 8:54 pm

        I phoned her. The conversation was very short as she appeared to be nervous and she tried acting indifferent. After 3 minutes I told her I had to go and that she has my number now again.

        I chose calling her over sending a text as this is way more natural to me.

        How should I proceed? Sending her some positive messages seems to be a good idea to me, how long shall I wait?

        • Kevin January 8, 2014, 4:13 pm

          One month.

  • liam January 6, 2014, 3:50 pm

    I just don’t see that she could be “stolen away” as she seems so happy with him and I think even if she did have feelings for me still then she would still not let me close out of feeling guilty for her new boyfriend (as she said when I suggested meeting up before when she came to see me). I’m just so confused as to what I should do as some people are telling me that I should go ahead and see if she’d up with me for a coffee now in a casual manner! Just don’t know what to do!

    • liam January 6, 2014, 6:23 pm

      Also what do you make of her saying it wouldn’t be fair on her new boyfriend when I asked to meet for a catch up? Sounds to me that if she does still have feelings for me then they aren’t as strong as the feelings she has for him. I just don’t know what to make of it all. She did seem to have a hurt look on her face when she said she couldn’t meet me though but I might just be imagining that

      • liam January 7, 2014, 7:35 am

        I sent her a friendly text yesterday evening just to try and start building attraction but as of this morning I’ve still had no reply. My first text I sent to her after the month of NC she replied in a couple of hours. Now it’s like she’s not interested anymore and she’d rather focus on her new boyfriend. What should I do now? How long do I wait before trying another text? Do you think her feelings for ne have gone and she was just curious before and coming to see me was just to satisfy her curiosity and now she has done that she doesn’t want anything to do with me? What if making her think I have moved on has driven her to make sure this new relationship works? What do I do now? ??

        • Kevin January 7, 2014, 9:38 am

          Hey Liam,

          What text did you send her? How long did you wait before contacting her. Did you ask her out recently? If you just asked her out for coffee and she said no, then you should’ve waited for a few days before contacting her again. Also, you shouldn’t have asked her out for coffee in the first place unless you built attraction with texts.

          I think wait a week or two before sending another text. You are obviously trying to push too hard and she can feel it.

          • liam January 7, 2014, 1:18 pm

            Hi Kevin,
            I just sent her a casual text asking if she’d gone back to college yet and places in that town were getting hit hard by storms and said that I hope her new place over there wasn’t near the worst parts. I sent this a week after she came to see me in work. When she came to see me I casually said to her “sorry it’s a bit awkward to talk here maybe we could meet up and have a catch up.” Which is when she said no as it wouldn’t be fair on her new boyfriend. I replied saying that I understood and stayed upbeat, I then had to serve another customer and when I turned back she was walking out the door without saying goodbye. I sent her a text saying sorry I couldn’t talk properly and she replied saying it’s fine, that I look really well and it’s a shame I didn’t have this healthy energy a year ago and that things happen for a reason and she’s sure we’re both much happier now. What do you make of that? Do you think she means it when she says she’s sure she’s happier now?
            Anyway I sent her this text a week after this thinking we are on good terms but she has not replied. What do you think? I know a female friend of mine posted on my Facebook a couple of days ago saying thank you for the Chinese meal we went out for over the weekend so she may have saw that and got pissed off but I might be relying too much on the fact that she is checking my Facebook (we aren’t friends on there but it’s open).
            I just don’t understand why she replied to my texts last week and was even curious enough to come and see me while I was in work (and therefore couldn’t get away, giving her the power) but now she’s just ignoring me.
            Also you said in one of your comments before that you don’t believe her new relationship is that strong but they seem to be spending all of their free time together and going to lots of different places together. Surely that sounds like it’s going pretty well for them what do you think? I’m just really strugglingkeep popositive and keep hope that she will come back to me. She seems like more the type to forget about me if she thinks that I’ve moved on. I don’t know what do you think of it all? Thanks man

          • Kevin January 7, 2014, 2:44 pm

            Hey liam,

            The reason I said that their relationship isn’t strong because

            1. She just got out of a 2 year relationship with you and jumped into another one right away. She never got the time to move on from you. Which means that you are still on her mind a lot.

            2. She came to see right away when you told her you accept the breakup. And she tried to make you jealous by talking about her new boyfriend. Someone who has truly moved on will not try to make their ex jealous.

            3. The fact that they are spending free time together doesn’t really mean anything. In fact, if I was heartbroken and was trying to run away from the pain of breaking up, I’ll also spend all my free time with my rebound. Spending free time alone makes you face the pain of the breakup. And from what it seems like, she hasn’t dealt with this pain till now and she is running away from it.

            Again, it’s just my analysis and it can be wrong. She could also be one of those girls who is never single and who jumps from one relationship to another without any breaks. You know her better than me so you can make a better decision on what type of girl she is.

            And as for the text, the text you sent her was a boring one. It didn’t arouse any curiosity in her and didn’t give her any incentive to respond. Even if she responded, it would have been something like “No. It’s not. Thanks”. Which doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t build attraction. It does show her that you care for her, but she already knows that. There is no point in trying to prove to her that you care for her.

            Use one of the text messages in the other article. Make sure you give her something to talk about. Stop being so serious in text messages. All your texts need to have lighthearted tone. It needs to be fun. You want to condition her in such a way that whenever she sees a text from you, her face automatically lights up because she knows that your texts are fun.

  • Raul January 6, 2014, 8:08 pm

    Hello Kevin, it’s been some time since I’ve wrote anything here, so let me catch up.

    It’s been 3 weeks since it all happened.

    Christmas was hard without her, but exactly at midnight, she send me an inbox of 2 paragraphs wishing me Merry Christmas and that she’s really happy I’m closer with my family. I didn’t respond for 3 reasons: I wanted to respect the no contact rule, I didn’t want to seem needy, and I didn’t want to get friendzoned. Then his little brother send me an inbox wishing me Merry Christmas and he hopes to see me soon because he misses me. It’s good to know my ex’s family miss me.

    That week was pretty good for me, I focused on myself and did a lot of stuff I’ve always wanted to do. We were going so well I didn’t want to mess things up by writting her love messages, so I blocked her from Whatsapp so the no contact rule could really work. The 30th, she wrote me on Viber “Thanks for blocking me, I had something important to tell you”. She was pretty pissed, so I called her to calm her down and explain that I didn’t want to complicate things by speaking my heart out. She calmed down and later said “No, I’m sorry. I was being over dramatic. I care about you a lot and I don’t want to hurt you more by telling you what happened”.

    I dont know if I did the right thing or not by blocking her… and I still can’t get my mind off of what she was going to say! What do you think?

    New Year’s Eve was fun, I went to the beach with some friends to spend the night, but my cellphone’s battery was dead. I figured this was good because I would seem “busy”.

    On January 2nd, a few hours before my trip to Machu Picchu, she called me wishing me Happy New Year and a nice trip. She said she was trying to call me on New Year’s Eve, but I explained to her my battery was dead. She started talking about his boyfriend and I couldn’t help getting jealous. At this point, I felt like I was losing her and we kinda started arguing. After a few minutes, I told her my cab just arrived and we hung up.

    After the first night of the trip, I texted her “Sorry about last night, I was feeling weak, but today I’ve meditated enough to see life is beautiful and things happen for a reason”. The whole trip was eye opening and it helped me think about myslef more. After that, everything has been great, we started texting again like we used to. Every night, we would talk about our day. I even uploaded some selfies on Instagram and she said I looked very handsome! She also told me her best friend was coming from Germany on February and it would be nice if was there. The day I came back from the trip, she wrote a sad face on her WhatsApp status. Then she asked me if I got home safe and sound. I said I was great, then I asked her how she was, and she said she had a great day with the family. I told her I had a great trip and that I wanted to catch up this week because I wanted to tell her everything about the trip. She said she would be glad to see me again! One thing that concerns me is that her birthday is this Thursday. Should we meet BEFORE or AFTER her birthday?

    I’m really nervous, but at the same time I’m confident things will turn out fine. I was planning on meeting her at a Starbucks and just talk and act cool like James Bond. The next week maybe we could watch a movie, and the 3rd “date” maybe go to the beach and afterwards I would pop the question if she wants to give it another try. But I’m just spitballing here.

    Overall, my questions are: What’s my plan and what should I do next?

    P.S.: Yesterday my ex changed her relationship status with her boyfriend from public to private. My best guess is she isn’t happy with the new relationship.

    • Kevin January 7, 2014, 9:45 am

      Great work Raul and great attitude towards this. AS to your question, you already seem to have a pretty good idea what to do next. As for her birthday, it’s completely up to you.

      • Raul January 15, 2014, 7:42 am

        Hey Kevin,

        Ever since I came back from my trip, my ex hasn’t been texting me as usual asking me how I am. And it’s been weeks since the last time she said she missed me or loved me.

        When I came back from me trip, I asked her if we can catch up that weekend, and she said sure but she postponed it at the last minute. Then I asked her another day to catch up, but she just made up an excuse. I didn’t want to seem needy asking her too many times, so I just told her to tell me which day she was going to be free. She didn’t texted to me in 4 fucking days… until today. She texted me that a band I love was coming next month. We texted for a few minutes about the band and that was it. A few minutes later, she changed her Whatsapp status to “New Beggining <3". That totally broke my heart. These past 4 days, she's been updating her Whatsapp status saying how happy she is now. I would love to think that she's been doing this just to make me jealous, but she really seems happy now. She has been 5 weeks in a rebound relationship and things only seem to get better and better with him. This Saturday, she's gonna turn 1 month with her new boyfriend and I'm terrified about what's going to happen.

        I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I've been concentrating on myself these past few weeks: I've been working on getting my driver's license, eating healthy, doing exercise, going to parties, I even when out on a date. But I feel like I'm losing her more everyday.

        I don't know what to do now :'(

        • Kevin January 15, 2014, 6:26 pm

          First of all, realize that losing her is not the end of the world. Accept that there’s a good chance you will lose her forever. And don’t reply to her texts if you are in no contact. You are just showing her that you are available for her whenever she needs you.

          • Raul January 22, 2014, 8:02 am

            Hey Kevin,

            I was feeling kinda down the other day, but thank God I didn’t do anything stupid like calling her.

            Last Friday, I went out to the movies with a friend (who happens to be girl) and somehow my ex found out about it and she texted me asking if it was true. She was pretty pissed about it, because she made me promise I would tell her first if I started dating someone new. I told her that she was just a friend, but she didn’t believe me.

            The next day, (Saturday) I went out partying with my friends from elementary school, who I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I had the most fun I’ve ever had in months! My cellphone couldn’t recieve any signal because we were away from the city.

            The next day, (Sunday) I noticed my ex was trying to call me at 4am with a text confessing saying that she was jealous, but only beacause she cared about me and wanted me to be happy. Then I realized she was trying to get in touch with me the day of her month-anniversary with the new guy and that all of her Whatsapp status were only to make me jealous.

            So I texted her back just to tell her I how much fun I had last night. I didn’t even bother asking her why she was calling me that night because I knew she would just change the topic. And out of the blues, she finally agreed to meet me this Friday in a nearby Starbucks. This is gonna be the first time we’ll see each other after 6 weeks.

            What should I say that day? Should I just keep a light conversation and tell her about my trip to Cusco? Shoud I ask her to break up with the new guy? Should I tell her that we can’t be friends anymore? Should I make her more jealous and say I’m dating this girl? I don’t know what to do, all I know is that I want her back.

            PS: Why did she made me promise I would tell her first if I started dating someone new? I still can’t get off my mind what she meant.

          • Kevin January 23, 2014, 9:30 am

            Hey Raul,

            She made you promise because it gives her a false sense of control over your life. It’s sort of a way of knowing when you are moving on and you are no longer waiting for her. A lot of people do this after a breakup as it makes them feel like they have some sort of control over their ex’s life.

            As for when you meet her, have fun. Don’t try to make her overly jealous. But just be pleasant and try to have a good time with her. She will get jealous just by seeing you are doing well in your life. If she asks, be honest about your dating life.

            And, I don’t think it’s the right time to ask her to breakup with her boyfriend and tell her you can’t be friends anymore. You need to have a good time so she would want to meet you again. After you’ve gone out with her a few times, then you should ask about getting back together.

  • Chris January 7, 2014, 5:09 am

    Here is my situation. You may think I have it made.. But I dont. Me and my ex broke up about a month ago. We are still good friends. We still have sex. But that will probably end soon because she started talking to another guy after we broke up. They arnt dating but she likes him. I think she is taking it slow with him because we jumped in our relationship. She hasnt had sex with him yet. I know its going to happen. And when it does i know Im cut off, lol. But I want to know how to get her back. I have a good foot in the door already I think. Should i quit talking to her? I know why we broke up. Because our relationship was boring. But i have shown her that i am a exciting guy now. Not sure to keep doing what im doing and wait it out.. Or cut her off for a wile to make her miss me. Not sure if this is important but she lives very close to me.

    • Kevin January 7, 2014, 9:40 am

      If you are already in good terms, does she know that you are interested in getting back together?

      • Chris January 7, 2014, 2:12 pm

        Does she know that I am interested in getting back together? Hmmmm. She probably does know but I don’t make it obvious. Afraid I would look needy if I came out and told her. She told me last night that she really likes this guy. So she is more interested in him than me relationship wise. Thats what I need to work on. I want to show her our relationship could be ten times better than it was before, because i know what went wrong. She told me before she is the type of girl that ends a relationship the first sign its not working out so she dont waste time. But we have had an amazing time this last week. Trying to show her that I am a fun exciting guy and our relationship deserves another chance. But I cant do that unless I steal her back. I believe its just a matter of time before they start dating. I just need some advice on what to do in this situation. Keep having fun with her and show her that we can have a good time together. Or apply the no contact rule to make her miss me?

        I want to ad when me and her first met. It didnt take but a week to hook up. Two weeks to date. She has been talking to this guy for a month and neither has happened for him. I think the reason its taking him so long is because her and me are still sexually active from time to time.

        • Chris January 7, 2014, 2:14 pm

          I would also like to add that we basicly hang out every day right now. And she also depends of me for rides from work time to time.

        • Kevin January 7, 2014, 2:51 pm

          OK Chris. It’s a tough call and I am not going to make it for you. I’ll however layout the options for you.

          1. Tell her how you feel before she starts dating. If you think she is attracted to you and she wants you two to work out. Spread everything out in front of her and let her make the decision. Hopefully she will choose you and you wouldn’t have to steal her from the new guy. There is a risk however that she will reject you and start the relationship anyway. In which case, you have to apply the no contact rule and try to get her back. The upside to this option is if it works, you can get her back before she even starts dating other guy and you won’t have to go through the pain of seeing her with the new guy and going through no contact.

          2. Continue what you are doing and let them start dating. When they start dating, follow the plan and try to get her back. This will have to include no contact and there is a chance that her new relationship will work out. However, the upside to this is that if the new guy is not up to her standards, she will start missing you. Heck, even if the guy is great, she will start missing you because you two haven’t really been separated since the breakup and she hasn’t really gotten over you.

          • Chris January 7, 2014, 3:19 pm

            Option one seems pretty risky. Because it may ruin what I already have if she pushes me away. I want to leave on a good note so she will miss me more when the time comes.

            I like option two. What if I didn’t wait until they started dating to apply the no contact rule? Would it accelerate her new relationship? I almost feel it would look to, ironic, so to say if I just stopped talking to her when they start dating. She would probably no why I stopped talking to her and it would make it look like I actually care about her new relationship and it bothers me. Maybe….

            On the other hand If i stick around till they start dating it may give me more time to show how much fun we can have. And then leave on even a better note. Not to mention I feel like every time we are sexual it delays her new relationship. And that might help me. Or I will just get stuck in the friend zone because she never missed me. Because I’m ALWAYS there.

            Either way the no contact rule will come into effect eventually. I know how important this tactic is. I want to apply it perfectly at the perfect time.

            If only there was a way I could steal her back before they even date. With out acting like I want her back. Make her more attracted to me before or without no contact. Either way. I feel like I need to build attraction before no contact.

          • Derek Young January 6, 2015, 2:47 am

            My ex gf and I of four years split up and I am so lost. We were an amazing couple there were a few times I out my hands on her not bad but I did slap her one time when drunk and we argued a lot she said but there tons of good days and times and she says she hasn’t been happy in a while and left. When she left at first she said she needed time to figure things out and that she loved me and wanted me but that we coukdnt be together. I made the mistake of begging and still have and its been a month and she won’t talk to me now. She now says she knows for sure we will never be together again and to give up and move on that she doesn’t care about us. Is she just saying these things to get her space. I know she loved me more than anything she says she just isn’t in love with me anymore but says she will always love me. Says we will be friends but nothing more because she can’t forgive me. Oh and she stayed months after me slapping her I guess she just decided to leave. She says I made her feel worthless. I have told her I would change in the past and didn’t but I know I have to now for myself as well. Both of our families love us together and are close to each other. She has been texting and snapchatting this guy she is in college with a lot but tells me he is just a friend but that he is sweet and funny and cool but when I ask her if she likes him she says idk. Is there any possibility to get her back I can’t just give up on her like she wants me to do. I just hope she doesn’t mean some of the things she says like she said even if I change we won’t be together. Opinions?

  • liam January 7, 2014, 3:00 pm

    Hi Kevin, I was afraid of that it’s just that it felt like it would kind of weird if I didn’t mention the storm as it is all over the news at the minute. Was thinking of sending a text saying that I’d just had lunch at a place we used to enjoy going to and if I had a reply say I was about to go out for a run with my dad (as I am helping him get in shape for his wedding) do you think this is a better idea for a text? Also why do you think she didn’t reply? Surely she can’t be missing me too much if I haven’t heard any more from her since and hasn’t replied to me when I made contact again?
    How long do you think I should leave it before trying again?
    She doesn’t seem to be hurting to me, in fact she seems quite happy but I don’t know. However when she did come to see me she did seem to be more interested in telling me about what shes been doing than hearing what I’d been up to. What are your thoughts on that. Thank you for giving me hope Kevin just hope it’s enough to get her back

    • liam January 7, 2014, 3:52 pm

      Also her new boyfriend seems to be meeting most of her family now as he seems to have most of them on Facebook. Just seems like she’s seeing him as more than just a rebound but I don’t know. I don’t really understand any of this. All I want to do is to go up to her and tell her I want her back but I know that won’t get me anywhere. Just seeing her with someone else, someone that I went to school with really gets to me. Just feels like all the time we were together means nothing to her of she’s able to have new feelings for someone else so quickly!

      • liam January 7, 2014, 7:29 pm

        So in your opinion it’s still rebound relationship behaviour? Even if she says they’re planning on moving in together already after 2 months at her place in her college town (about an hour away from where we all live). I’m just worried by how quickly things seem to be moving between them and it seems that they must be pretty serious about their relationship. They even seem to have been living together at his place over Christmas (he lives with his grandmother I believe, another thing why I don’t understand her attraction to him seeing as she always valued ny independence and her being able to stay with me and have our own space). Another thing she always said about me was that she always thought I could do better than the job I currently had and always tried to push me to go for a better career (but my previous anxiety always held me back, something that I’m over now) and apparently this new guy just works in a couple of bars. I just don’t really understand. He’s given her attention and I lacked that towards the end and I really regret it now. What do you think?

        • liam January 8, 2014, 12:17 am

          Keep getting images of them sleeping together popping in my head all the time and it’s killing me!

          • liam January 8, 2014, 6:21 am

            And I never would have thought her to be the type of girl to jump into a relationship unless she was very sure about it and had strong feelings for someone. I’m just trying to understand her.

  • Garfield January 7, 2014, 7:45 pm

    Hey,is been three month I had broke up with my ex,which we have a strong bond for two and a half years,the reason we broke up was I don’t have a job.And he has a new boyfriend now,but she didn’t want to public their relationship.I know that because I stalk her.Let talk about this guy,this guy is my friend.After I had broke up with my ex ,my friend started to chase her.By the mean time,my ex said to him she will not fall with him,because she said to him she giving me chance to see how much I have change.But the asshole just backstap me,he told her that I cheated on her when we are still together.I have to confess that my ex had forgive me once but this is the second time she heard I cheated on her.And shit really happens,she said she cannot forgive me again,but she did mention that she still love me so much but she didn’t want to be with me again.I had do so much crazy shit on the first month like stalking her and trespassing to her house beg like an idiot.After that I had apply the no contact rules for two month.After two month we met again but is not me dating her out,is my best friend call her out.But after she saw me she still said I didn’t even change, but actually I do change quiet a lot of things,especially psychical and I have a job now.But in the mean time in know that my friend almost get her,and I had do stupid things again.I text her I love her more than anyone does and I will wait her forever,after she saw this msg the worst thing happens.She accept my friend,when I know that they already together,my emotional start to calm down.I wrote her a letter that you teach us,after she saw the letter she said that I was mature than before.I had thinked whole day,was she really the girl I want?Yes,she is.She is the girl I wanted,from the day after I wrote her the letter,I start apply the no contact rules again.Now I’m in the middle of no contact rules,what should I do next seems she was happy with that asshole.

    • Garfield January 8, 2014, 5:34 pm

      Hey,Kevin can you guide me what should I do next?I’m quiet lost now.

    • Kevin January 10, 2014, 3:15 pm

      Well, carry on with the plan. I’d say you have pretty good chances if you just keep calm, confident and act mature.

  • Fernando January 8, 2014, 12:34 am

    ok so my story is somewhat long and complicated but as some of you guys i feel completly lost and would thank for all the help i can get, so our story all started more than 2 years agora it was somewhat complicated because she was 14 and i was 20 her parentes did not let her date and did not except our relationship, but after 5 months of constant text webcam and trying to meet when we could and me building up trust with her parents they finaly excepted me, we were so happy and since they trusted me i decided to be a better person i stopped drinking stopped partying, was 100% faithful and honest kinda let my friends aside all to be with her, she lived far it was over an hour drive just to go see her so i would only go see her on saturdays and sundays also because of her school my collage, job it was impossible during the week, not to mention the gas money lol at first her parentes didnt let us go out at all it was just sofa and tv but boy were those weekends great we would talk for hours and it didnt matter what we did as long as we were togeather it was always perfect i would always bring her chocolates, stuffed animals, roses and she would threasure everything, always valued everything i ever did for her and the effort it was to go see her with all the distance, with time her parentes gave us more space and freedom let us go out to eat to birthday partys we would go to all the family acassions wedding bbc etc… and we started a life togeather i was her first everything and from me she learned many things with time we became closer and closer everything was perfect except for one thing that always annoyed me since the begaining before we started dating she had a thing with this other dude back then she was 13 and he was 17 she didnt know any better and trusted him she didnt go to school and he took her to his house they started making out and he started to force her to do things she told him to stop and he tryed to rape her she got away and ran away, she never told her parents because she was scared kinda blamed herself for this she skipped school and she didnt want to get in trouble another thing was that the loser was her brothers best friend and knew her family so she just kept it to herself but she was heartbroken and ever since this she told herself she would never love our trust anyone else in her life, then i came along and you can amagine how hard it was for me to pick up the pieces and make her trust me, and i did everything to show her how i was diffrente i never cheated i was always honest and treated her like a princess did all her wants, so we went out for 1year 6 months official since her parents excepted me and everything was perfect between us up until her 16th birthday when in my country is when you can go out to parties and nightclubs her parentes had confidence in me and started alowing us to go but the problem was that ever since we started dating the loser that tryed to rape her he never excepted our relationship and him and his buddies always treathened me chased me around her city tryed to scare me they would treathen me and her and i always kept this from her because i knew how the whole story moved her and made her feel bad just to mention his name she would rage in anger so i kept all the threats to myself never told her anything but i would always keep an eye out and would always find out in advance were they would be and avoide these places especially when i was with her, so now that her parentes had given us the freedom to go to parties and nighclubs she was all excited and wanting to go problem was thats exactly where him and his buddies would always be, so i started making excuses and telling her that i didnt like the clubs there that i was tired from work and didnt what to go that i didnt like the djs or bands there, that we could go to the parties at my city that were much better and we did go to a few but she wanted to be with her friends and all her friends would go to the parties at her city which i didnt wanna go because i knew i was going to get into a fight with 5 or 6 or worst they even treathend shoting me outside, she didnt know about the threats so she started thinking i wanted to separate her from her friends that i was trying to distance her from everyone she knew and she started feeling traped like i wanted to control her and distance her from everyone else and this was never my atention and because we didnt see each other during the week sometimes they would send threats during the week and i would flip out send her text messages like where are you , who you with , are you ok and when she didnt anwser right away i would flip out call 20 times till i knew she was fine, and she started to think i was a control freak that wanted to know her every move and keep her away from her friends, all this started to distance us and we started fighting for any reason up until the day that she said she couldnt take it anyone that she wanted space and she was all confused and said she wanted time that she wanted to break up, the day she said this i was in complet shock i cryed she cryed her mom cryed it was the saddest day in my life and emotions were raging that i didnt even have the corage to tell her about all the threathing that happend all this time, i got into the car and raged off crying told her i was gonna kill myself her mom wouldnt stop crying she wouldnt stop crying and i was all lost, she must of sent me 200 text asking me to calm down not to do anything stupid and i would answer is that i was gonna kill myself, the next day i talked to her and she said we could still be friends and all and that was not what i wanted to hear, i stopped talking to her for that weekend and on sunday night she sent me text saying how much she missed me and how she felt her weekend empty without me so i saw hope in her words and told her how much i loved her and wanted her back and she said she was confused, the next day i told her about all the threathning and everything they ever done to me i told her everything the whole story why i didnt want to go to those parties why i was always so worried and asking were she was and she was in complete shock at first she didnt even believe me said she was all confused and she flipped on me saying why didnt you tell me all of this she was so angry and said that i didnt trust her that i had to lose her to tell her this, and after this i went to her house and told her all of this in person she cryed alot and said she didnt know what to think that she was confused and that week i chased her like crazy i would send text messages i would call her i sent her flowers and letter at her highschool i apolagized 100s of times and told her that all i did was to protect her because i knew how much the ghosts of her past hurt her, but she turned her back on me and said it was over in this time her bestfriends turned on me and all ganged up to make her go out with one of her friends and at first she didnt want to but after a week of fighting and me called her a selfish bitch that only cared about herself that didnt see all i did and suffered for her she stopped talking to me and went and made out with the kid, it was only one time and after that she just distanced herself from him and i still chaced her still begged her to come back i did everything wrong i humiliated myself, and she stopped talking to me for good said she wanted to be single and live life be free to do what she wanted and this was right when her vacation started and she went to her beach house right before xmas i heard that she made out with 3 diferent guys but nothing serious with them except for one that lives 300 miles away and went back home and she kept touch with him they always post things on twitter and facebook saying how much they miss that week of summer togeather and how much they wanna see each other again, and i still kept trying xmas i send her texts saying how much i missed her and loved her and how our last xmas was amazing togeather and new years i did the exact same thing and on the first of january after reading your blog i decided to man up and take you advices on the first of jan. i was at the beach and saw her with her bestfriend and some guys i went up to her bestfriend and gave her the happy new years didnt even look at my exs face and just walked away ever since the 1st of jan. i havent seen her ou made any contact, her bestfriend told me that she changed alot that she said that she wanted to live free that she doesnt wanna date anyone that she gets mad when my name is mentioned, she also said her mom talks to her and gives her advices on us getting back togeather, another thing that is happening is that the threats are now going directly to her they even hacked her facebook and twiiter and messed eveything up, i wanted to help her but when i try to get close she flips on me and doesnt want to see me at all, its been 7 days now that i made no contact and its been 45 days since we broke up i talked to her bestfriend and she says that it seems shes over me and shes getting close to these dude she met at the beach that lives 300 miles away they talk alot thru text and webcam please help i need advice and sorry for the broken english its been awhile lol any more info needed please ask

    • Kevin January 8, 2014, 4:21 pm

      Well, stay on no contact for another three weeks and see how things are. Also, you are not really following no contact if you keep tab on her through her friend. No contact means cutting her completely from your life. That means not asking about her from her friends.

      • Mitchell May 7, 2014, 12:16 pm

        Kevin I need ur help my gf left me for another guy nd it has been like almost 4 weeks since she has broke up with him nd I can’t live without her nd I made the mistake of still texting her but she still calls me nd she says she still loves me but she doesn’t want to hurt the other bf nd she has already made out with him like 3 times so wht should I do to get her back

        • Kevin May 7, 2014, 6:36 pm

          You should follow the advice in the article.

        • Ran September 5, 2014, 10:16 am

          Hi kevin,

          I have been with my gf for more than 5 years, on and off relation because of her bad mood ,problems and asking me always to marry her while i was not ready.Which lead me to be cold with her. Then i travelled to another country and we broke up there but she kept on talking to me Using wats app.It worth mentioning that i was thefirst love in her life emotionally and physically. She kept on talking with me using watsapp afraid from being involved in other relations while i was rejecting her all the time. Then after 1 year i was jobless so i returned back to my country met with her and told her i want us to do something together but since i am jobless we agreed to keep the relation like it is .the good thing is that we share good moments and made love. Then i retravelled and while i was out of the country , she stopped watsaaping me .i asked her if there is anyone in her life she always responded by no but she always said that we should stay like we are and once she told me that there is no future together. So i returned back to my country on first of august,she saw me like always , had dinner and we flirted she did not let me make live with her saying that she is on her period and i noticed like there are no feelings anymore and she was like comparing me to another person. So i travelled back , we kept on talking on watsapp where i always initiAted the conversation which lead to a big fight on august 12 and i blocked her to see if she was gonna talk to me after that so on august 18 i unblocked her and told her that i am coming back to buy a house and start a new job . So she responded that i must forget about her, i am wasting my time with her, go and marry some1 else while i did not ask her to marry me, and that she does not need anyone in her life, she wants to have fun and live without anyone asking her anything and she wants me to talk with her like friends that was on august 18

          In all the ways, i returned back to lebanon on august 20 and i applied the no contact rule since then.

          Do you think there is a chance that she will contact me again?

  • liam January 8, 2014, 9:35 am

    And there just doesn’t feel like there’s any indication at all from her that she wants me back in her life. Feel like she’s slipped away too far

    • liam January 8, 2014, 11:23 am

      And I would have thought if she really did miss me at all and still had feelings for me she’d have made more of an effort to stay in contact and reply to my texts. Maybe I’m just expecting too much too soon I dunno

      • Kevin January 8, 2014, 4:11 pm

        Liam,

        You are obsessing too much over her. I know it’s hard but you need to spend some time on yourself and becoming happy without her. You need to start imagining a future without her and realize that even if she doesn’t come back, your life will be awesome and you will be happy.

        • liam January 8, 2014, 4:20 pm

          I know it’s just I really struggle to get her out of my mind. When do you think I should next text her and do you think that text about the restaurant is a good one? I’m so annoyed because the opportunity has come up for me to go on a day trip to a place that we went to while we were together and enjoyed and have good memories there. I’m going to go there tomorrow and I think it would have been a good thing to text her about but I think it’s too soon to contact her again yet do you agree?

          • liam January 8, 2014, 5:08 pm

            And do you consider it likely that she is checking my Facebook even though ww aren’t friends on it? I am going to say that I’ve gone to this place on Facebook tomorrow and I will think that will cause her to wonder why I’ve gone there if she does actually look at my Facebook. Do you really still think it likely that she is still thinking of me/still has feelings for me buried if she hasn’t contacted me since she came to see me. That seems to me like she found someone what she needed to find out when she saw me and now has no more interest in having anything to do with me

  • Tanner January 8, 2014, 5:30 pm

    Hey Kevin.
    So me and my gf broke up a bit before Christmas and I made the mistake of talking to her for a bit after the breakup trying to get her back k and stuff. I then let her be alone for two weeks and started talking again just recently I found out she has a new bf and started dating him four days after the breakup and I kinda lost it on her. The next day I started talking to her and apologized. Were on talking terms now and we ended up talking about our sex life and she commented on it being very good. She also said that she was noticing changes in me that were good. We have plans for this weekend but i don’t know what to do now. Should I cancel the plans and have no contact for awhile?

    • Kevin January 10, 2014, 3:14 pm

      It depends on how you are feeling. Do you think you need to take a step back to be the calm confident and happy person that she’ll be attracted to? Or are you confident enough that when she’ll see you this weekend, she’ll be attracted to you? If so, then don’t cancel the plan.

  • Tanner January 8, 2014, 5:33 pm

    I forgot to mention the guy she is currently dating and her have been texting each other a lot since September and right after we broke up four days later she dated him. She says that it was the wrong thing to do and she wasn’t ready for it.

  • liam January 8, 2014, 10:07 pm

    I’m just looking at things from so many different angles. From what she told me before, it sounded like it was him that was chasing her at the start whereas at the start of our relationship she chased me. Not that that probably makes any difference now. I’m just so confused as to how she can have strong feelings for someone else so soon. Makes our whole relationship seem meaningless if she can drop it so easily. I hope you’re right when you say she is still thinking of me and that they’re relationship isn’t really strong. What’s my next move Kevin. I just want to tell her how glad I am that she has been a part of my life. She’s changed my life and has been an inspiration too me. What do I do next based on what has happened? Is there still hope or has she gone for good?

    • liam January 8, 2014, 10:25 pm

      And I know you said that you don’t think she really has completely moved on but to me if she’s with someone else then it seems like she’s as moved on as she can be. But you’re saying that’s not necessarily the case?

      • liam January 8, 2014, 10:47 pm

        And the idea of her coming back to me, actually leaving her new boyfriend to come back to me seems so unlikely it feels almost foolish to keep hope. I just don’t think she’s the type to do it. She probably will feel too guilty to even let me close, hence why she didn’t reply to my text 🙁

        • liam January 9, 2014, 2:44 pm

          I’ve got a feeling he has moved in with her now. How am I ever going to get a reply off of her if they are with each other all the time?! What do I do now?

          • liam January 9, 2014, 3:18 pm

            Do I text her today saying that I went to this place on a day trip? Went to a lot of places that reminded me of her or is it too soon since I sent the last one? Does it look serious to you now that they have moved in together after being together 9 weeks? Seems to be moving so fast!

  • liam January 10, 2014, 8:39 am

    Please help me, I feel so lost. I know I’m obsessing but I just want to know what to do next and when, do you still think it’s a rebound now that they have been together 9 weeks and are possibly living together.

    • Kevin January 10, 2014, 3:10 pm

      Hey Liam,

      When you text her, don’t make it obvious that you are texting her to get her attention. Use one of the templates in my other article. Also, I’ll generally won’t recommend someone in your state of obsessiveness to contact their ex. As I mentioned in the article, I don’t think you should contact your ex unless you are not obsessing over her and have accepted the breakup. The no contact period is more about you and less about your ex.

      • liam January 10, 2014, 3:56 pm

        I understand, I have thrown myself into so many different things now and feel that my life does have more meaning than ever before. It’s just that I still want her to be a big part of it. Does it still seem like a rebound to you after all the facts? Anyway do you think I should text her next week? Was thinking of saying something like: “hey how’s things just had a lovely lunch at (restaurant) made me think of you, hope you’re good” how does that seem to you? Add a bit more or try something else?

        • liam January 10, 2014, 6:32 pm

          And what do you think is the most likely reason she hasn’t text back even though she came to see me before?

          • liam January 11, 2014, 4:47 am

            It seems like they have become the most important people in each others lives. Spending all their time together. She did look kind of confused I guess when she came to see me in work. I’m just worried about why she’d come to see me and then just stop contact and possibly have him move in with her. Everything inside me is just telling me to tell her how I feel in a calm and controlled manner and ask if she wants to try again. She said she saw changes in me but maybe she’s closed the door on us now thinking that I’ve moved on

  • Tyler January 10, 2014, 3:12 pm

    Ok, so 30 days are almost up. I feel like I’ve whipped myself back into shape mentally and emotionally. Now, I really messed up the break up. I freaked out when I found out about the rebound because we were still sleeping in the same bed at the time. It got ugly for a whole month and when it came to a head, she blocked me on FB, I’m pretty sure she blocked my number(dunno cause I haven’t tried to call), and told me no to contact her. So, I’m following the guide and have written the short letter. Here goes:

    Hey XXX,

    I want to apologize to you for my immature and disrespectful behavior after the break up. I’ve been at peace with the split for a while now. Come to think about it, I saw it coming. But I still should apologize for acting like a crazy person.

    I have a box of your craft stuff and “Marie Osmond Collectibles.” I think your Grandma gave them to you? I must have taken this by accident. I’d like to return this to you.

    Boy, were you right about us needing space. I’ve got a lot of really cool things going on that I’d love to share with you, but now is not the right time.

    Hope y’all are doing great!

    Now, first of all when should I send it? Should I try to time it to arrive on a day that she is off work and doesn’t have her daughter? What do I do if she actually wants to talk to me? What do I do if she doesn’t?

  • liam January 11, 2014, 2:03 pm

    And knowing that they went on a holiday together after only being together a month makes me feel shit. I guess the questions that are really going through my head are:
    1. Do you still think this is a rebound relationship? Even if she says she thinks she is happier now.
    2. Does it mean anything that they have possibly moved in together so soon? More specifically, him moving in to her place.
    3. What does it mean that she came to see me the day after I told her I Accepted the breakup, says that she’s happy to be on good terms with me but then doesn’t reply to my text? Even if it was a “boring text.” Could it be that she’s confused and doesn’t trust herself to talk to me? That she feels too guilty to talk or simply her new boyfriend saw the text and told her not to reply. What do you think is likely? Is she still thinking about me now if she isn’t staying in contact?
    4. What’s my next step? Is saying that something like: “hey just had a lovely lunch at (the restaurant) with my dad and his partner, reminded me of you. Hope you’re ok.” Or maybe something like: hey just went to this bar and it was really old fashioned and was like an inn from skyrim and had bard kind of music playing there with a log fire burning, made me think of you 🙂 (we enjoyed playing skyrim together) do you think one of those would be good? If so which one and when should I send it?
    I’m sorry to sound so obsessed all the time, I am doing more with my life than I ever had before but I just have this void that’s always their and I can’t get her out of my mind!
    Would really value your opinions on my questions. I just don’t want to have false hope about anything, and it just feels that I don’t have any real hope left at all. Do you still think that her relationship will end soon?

    • liam January 11, 2014, 2:34 pm

      And another thing, my dad is trying to persuade me to go down the road of sending her a text saying that I’ll be in her college town next week and if she wants to meet for lunch? What are your thoughts on this?

      • liam January 12, 2014, 8:52 am

        Btw I don’t know for definite if he has moved in with her it’s just what my ex said was “hopefully going to happen” when she came to see me in work. Do you think it’s more likely she was just saying that to make me jealous? And do you really think everything she was saying was to get me to be jealous or she just felt it was ok to talk about it to me? Sorry for all the questions

        • liam January 13, 2014, 12:45 am

          I know for a fact he’s with her at her place in her college town right now. Hurts like hell knowing that they are sleeping together as I write this 🙁 please what is my next move and what do you think to my questions? I just feel so numb. My heart is broken

          • liam January 13, 2014, 1:41 am

            Just knowing that she’s laying in bed with someone else right now is tearing me to pieces. I need to try. I need her to have the opportunity to choose between him and the new me. Just killing me getting through this. I hate that it’s someone else who is in her hearted and mind now. So hard to see that I can get her back after all this. Especially as my ex is a very complicated woman. I don’t think she really knows what she wants. She wanted me to take more control in the relationship before but at the same time I think she likes having power over me

    • Kevin January 13, 2014, 3:15 pm

      1. Like before, I can’t say for sure. But If I had to guess, yes her relationship is showing signs of a rebound relationship. It seems she is trying hard to move the relationship fast. She is rushing into it faster than she would in a real relationship. So yeah, it could be a rebound. Again, don’t take my word for it. I am just writing what I think given what you told me. What I am worried about is that my interpretation of your situation is giving you hope. And this hope is turning into an obsession for you. And this obsession is clearly unhealthy for you.

      2. Yeah, her trying to rush things. Here’s how rebounds work. You left a hole, she thought the new guy would fill the hole. But it didn’t. So she thinks if she sleeps with him, it will fill the hole. It didn’t. Then she thinks maybe if he moves in together, it’ll fill the hole. It probably won’t. Then she thinks if she treats him like she would treat a long term boyfriend, it’ll fill the hole (like meeting the family etc.) And it probably won’t. It’ll continue until she realizes he won’t fill the hole.

      Again, it’s my interpretation and there is a good chance that it’s wrong. It could be that she has moved on. I can’t say for sure. No one can. All we can do is make a plan, stick to it, and if it doesn’t work, move on. You have to learn to put yourself before her. Getting her back is not the most important thing in the world. It’s your happiness. And obsessing over whether or not she is in a rebound is clearly making you unhappy. So, I propose you stop thinking about where she is at, and just concentrate on yourself.

      3. No point in trying to figure out what’s going on in her head. You said she is a complicated women (who isn’t?), why do you want to complicate things in your mind.

      4. I like the skyrim idea. If you want to invite her for lunch, it helps to have few fun text conversation before that.

      And if I tell you there is no hope, will you give up and concentrate on moving on? If so, then just assume there is no hope. I don’t want to be the one to keep you in this obsessed state. I repeatedly said that you should put your happiness before anything else. So if this hope is turning to obsession, let her go and concentrate on moving on.

      And I can’t say if her relationship will end soon. All I’d say is follow the plan ONCE. If it works, great. If it doesn’t move on. Simple as that.

      • liam January 13, 2014, 4:05 pm

        Thank you kevin, the skyrim idea is what I’ve decided on and am going to send her it on Wednesday. I just saw on Facebook that she wrote on his wall asking if he wants to emigrate to New Zealand with her in September as she’s hoping to do her PhD there. He replied saying he was all for it and was looking into it. I don’t understand how she’s with someone who quite clearly has no long term plans of his own that he feels able to drop everything and move to New Zealand with her. What do you make of this. My dad seems to think she’s done it just to get at me. If so then why? What does this all say to you?

        • liam January 13, 2014, 6:48 pm

          Because I just don’t see why she would want to come back to me if she’s making all these big plans with him. Sounds like she’s serious to get him to plan on moving to the other side of the world with her. Unless she’s kidding herself? Or put it on Facebook publicly hoping I’d see it to make me jealous and get me to do something. A lot of my friends all say the same thing about her. That she feeds off attention. Does this look like what she’s trying to do to you? She did admit to me when we broke up before that she was playing games putting things on fb to make it seem like she was ok. But she didn’t have someone else last time. And it seems odd aswell that he asked her when they’d be going out there as if he didn’t know as she told me when she was hoping to go when she came to see me. Either way it feels to ne like their relationship is still going strong but what do you think?

          • liam January 14, 2014, 7:15 am

            It all just feels too late. Feels like she’s gone for good

  • Fernando January 11, 2014, 4:04 pm

    So today is da 11 of no contact And my little nephew took my phone This morning and Played around in my whatsapp sent broken lettters and numbers to my contacts and unfortunitly sent a ? Mark to my ex she didnt respond to it and i didnt want to say hey i nephew sent it by mistake since i know she would think it was just An excuse for trying to talk to her, so i didnt say anything but i went on Twitter and posted cant believe my nephew got on my phone and sent things to my contacts i know she was Gonna see it since she follows me, i stopped following her to respect the no contact rule but i went to ser her profile and right after i posted that she posted wow lamest excuse i ever read in my life what a loser, i tought to myself why does she hate me so much ? And i tought could this have hurt my no contact chances ? Could she really be over me this quickly? Sometimes i feel like the fartur i stay the quicker she forgets me …

    • Kevin January 13, 2014, 3:19 pm

      It doesn’t make much of a difference IMO. Let her think you contacted her. Let her think you tweeted for her to read (which you did). Continue with the no contact. I don’t think she is over you. Finish your NC and see how things go.

  • Filipe January 11, 2014, 11:56 pm

    Hey, so I’ve been kind of having post break up issues as well… And I’ve been trying to get some help, so I web surf for different articles to help me sort of understand how to deal with my situation. Basically, last year around September, I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years because I transferred colleges. I was gna break up with her before I moved away, but I wanted to try and give the long distance thing a try because I loved her (still do) and I wanted to make her happy. I couldn’t handle the thought of going back and forth between college and home for the next 3 years, so reluctantly I made the decision to break up with her. The way I did it was very shitty though. I told her I didn’t love her anymore and that I couldn’t handle the long distance, etc. but I still loved her a lot. So for the next few weeks, I was kind of in a weird state, like nothing really felt right. We kept a bit of contact through a group text with some friends, and every now and then we’d talk one on one, but I’d keep my distance emotionally. One day, she goes MIA for about a week, and 6 weeks after we broke up, she’s with this new guy. Every single day after finding that out, I’ve been distraught. I still find myself thinking about her every day, still have that tight pain in my chest, and occasionally tearing up every now and then. My breakdowns have become less frequent, but I still feel immensely for her. I’ve even tried hooking up with another girl, and it was whatever, but I felt empty after the hook up. It felt terrible. And that was during the holidays when I went back home. There were two occasions: one during thanksgiving, I went to a friends boat party and she was there with her new bf. I gave her a hug and said hi, literally my entire body shaking when coming in contact with her, then I ignored her for a while, and later she comes and wants to talk to me in private. I say okay, we talk, she said she missed me, I missed her too, we sort of caught up, mostly talking about future plans, etc. that party was an emotional rollercoaster for me cuz I couldn’t stand seeing her with him. Even worse, I always found an excuse to look in her general direction. And it was pretty obvious. To everyone else I’m guessing. Then I went to a friends birthday party, and a couple of minutes later she shows up with him again, me not really knowing if she was going or not. So I told her we need to talk about a lot of things. Later we go off to a place where we could talk, I kind of started pathetically breaking down in front of her, telling her everything I’ve felt since the break up and everything I feel still, how guilty I felt for breaking up with her the way I did, etc. and she just stayed quiet for the most part. I was a mess to say the least. Party was ending so I said my goodbyes, I took a friend home, and before I left my ex walked out with me to give me a hug good bye. So quite dramatically I hug her hard, like if it was the last time I’d ever see her. So that was thanksgiving. Christmas comes around, I send a text to everyone to see if they wanna meet up to hang out or whatever, no one shows so I just rest for the day. Few days later, a friend asks if I wanted to go to the mall with her and my ex and another guy friend, and I said yes, anything to leave the house. The girls go dress shopping for a Christmas party we were going to later, and me and my guy friend go for a walk. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of my complements. Party comes around and it was also pretty nerve wracking. We were both not really okay, seeing as how quickly she downed her full glass of champagne, it was her first time getting tipsy too, which was unlike her. She wasn’t acting herself at all, but then again neither was I really. At the end of the party, I talk to her saying that I’m sorry for any negativity going on between us, and that I’m feeling better now, I’m feeling okay now. She denied anything going on, but I knew that I was starting to creep her out cuz a mutual friend told me that I was starting to. So I back off a bit. Christmas comes around, she texts me first saying merry Xmas, I text her back, etc. New Years comes around, and im with my family at a friends house, and later I went to her house cuz she had a party as well and I wanted to go cuz I wanted to be with my friends (the bf was out of town so I was slightly more at ease). I get there, party’s sort of ending, but everyone was still there so I stayed. She pulls me aside to talk, and she asks me what I think of her situation with her bf. I told her that I’m not in a place to give an opinion, and she wouldn’t listen to me if I did anyways. But then she says that it does matter because we’re still friends and she values my opinion. So I told her what I honestly thought. Saying that I don’t really know what she’s doing, why she decided to rebound so soon after we broke up, that I don’t really know what she sees in him, that he seems like an okay guy, and that if the situation was different we could’ve been friends. But the fact was that ever since we broke up, she changed for the worse, that she wasn’t the same girl I used to know and care deeply for, and that she didn’t give herself time to be an individual, that she could’ve done better, etc. but i didn’t care anymore, it’s her life, her decision, her mistakes, and that as a friend, all i wanted was the best for her, and that if she is happy right now, the so be it. She then says sorry for liking someone so soon, which I don’t really get why she said that but whatever. For a while, she would always ask me what I wanted from her, and that all I want is for her to be honest with herself and others. While we were talking I could see a couple of tears roll down her cheeks, wasn’t quite sure what to make of it at the time. We didn’t finish talking, I had to leave and she wanted to sleep, so yea. Few days later, I go back to the house to hang out with her adopted brother and another guy friend (she’s wasn’t there) so we chilled, and later she came and hung out with us. I wanted to finish our conversation from New Years, but I didn’t want to force the situation. So I said my good byes, we had a very long hug, so long I could feel her heartbeat. I haven’t talked to her since that day. I miss her terribly. I’ve been missing her ever since I broke up with her. I know I can’t have her now, because I’m away at college and said I didn’t want to get back together until I graduate, but I just feel stuck emotionally. I’m trying to have new experiences with different women just to kind of get my mind off of things, and I know it’s stupid cuz she was basically my first real girlfriend and my first true love, but I feel like I just don’t know what to do anymore relationship wise. I’ve been counting the days until I graduate, making sure I live every single day as best as I can, striving to become a better person, but I’m still crazy in love with this girl. What should I do if I still feel this way after a year? Two years? How would I go about getting her back if I still feel that way about her in that amount of time? So, sorry for the long post, I hope you could take the time to help me out. Thanks a bunch.

    • Kevin January 13, 2014, 3:26 pm

      Well, I guess you are feeling this way simply because you have been in contact with her constantly for the most part. You never really went without contacting her for a long period. So apply the NC rule. Not just for 30 days but for as long as you can. Don’t contact her and tell her not to contact you. If you still feel like this after a year (which you probably won’t) then contact her and ask her to go out with you.

  • Mike January 13, 2014, 6:48 pm

    Hi,

    I have been either friends or lover with someone for nearly 9 years. We had a few mini break ups in the last year but always came back together, but really as friends. I know now this is a mistake. We had a mini tiff mid October and the next time I saw her at the end of December she told me she had been online and found a new man. She talked about him in intimate terms and of me in very disparaging terms. It totally broke my heart. It doesn’t feel like a rebound relationship and I feel all is lost. I sent her a birthday card but since then have been in no contact for three weeks. Is there no hope do you think?

    • Kevin January 14, 2014, 5:33 pm

      Yes there is. Follow the plan and see how things go.

  • liam January 14, 2014, 11:24 am

    I’ve decided to text her today I’m going to say “I’m just in a pub and it’s so much like an inn from skyrim! Got this wood fire burning and even bard music playing haha! No magic flowers to collect though! :p (that’s what she liked doing on it) made me think of you 🙂 hope you’re good.”

    This just doesn’t make sense to me about the New Zealand thing though. One of the reasons we broke up was because of her loss of attraction due to my having a lack of ambition yet her new boyfriend clearly doesn’t have any goals or aspirations for himself either as he feels happy to drop everything and emigrate with a girl he’s been with for 2.5 months. Shes a very ambitious woman and your guide and others say that I should make myself have drive and ambition to have a chance at winning her back yet she is with someone now who doesn’t seem to have that (although he did look into the emigration process straight away I think) do you think this points to her just latching on to the first guy who gave her attention and now she’s gotten her feelings mixed up. Surely she must see something in him? It hurts seeing them make these long term plans with him or do you think it is more likely that by making it public on fb she was just hoping id see it and to provoke a reactionout of me? If thatthat’s the case what would her reason be for doing that? Why should she care enough to try and get me to chase her again? I just don’t know what to think at the minute. I want to understand what’s going through her head. Just feels like a more hopeless situation. It’s been about 2 weeks since I’ve heard from her and a week since I text her last that she didn’t reply too. I just think that if she didn’t want me to talk to her she would have said but by not replying she’s left it open for me to try again. Any thoughts on it all?

    • Kevin January 14, 2014, 5:32 pm

      Good idea with the text. I hope it goes well. As for her little Facebook display. How many couples you know make serious life decisions on their Facebook wall? Would you ask your girlfriend to move to another country with you on her facebook wall? Or would you call them or talk to them face-to-face? It’s clearly for you to see.

      One of the signs of a rebound relationship is that the girl will go for someone completely opposite of who she wants in a boyfriend. Just like she went for a guy with no life goals, while she knows she wants someone with ambition and life goals. Again, in my idea, it’s a rebound.

      • liam January 14, 2014, 5:53 pm

        Thanks Kevin, that’s basically what other people are telling me aswell, or that it’s just some light heartedness between them. I sent her that text today a few hours ago but had no reply. What do you recommend I do if I don’t hear anything? It would be the second textof mine she’s ignored which I don’t get because I thought we had agreed to be on good terms with each other. Unless she finds it painful and confusing to talk to me like normal. She only responded when she had curiosity about how I was coping. Now she doesn’t seem to bother. Don’t know what to make of it. Any thoughts why she isn’t willing to talk. She does have strong morals though and I think she’d feel guilty for talking to me so I’m doubtful if this will work…

        • liam January 14, 2014, 6:30 pm

          And she told him to look up how to emigrate there and he said he already was. Does worry me, I just hope it’s just her trying to force a serious relationship again by making long term plans. But surely if she still had feelings for me then she would reply to my texts…unless he’s moved in! It hurts thinking that he could be there with her full time

          • liam January 14, 2014, 10:00 pm

            To me it seems like if she has ignored 2 of my texts then that means she doesn’t want me in her life anymore 🙁 or do you have another way of looking at things? Just so confused about her coming in to see me straight away and now she’s just ignoring me

  • Guy January 15, 2014, 9:58 am

    Hey Kevin,

    So the 15 days you suggested for me are up. So where I am is that I still miss her quite a bit and I still simply cannot fathom being with anyone else. However, I’ve pretty well accepted there’s nothing I can do, and that if anything is going to work out, it will be much later. I’m working forward and making improvements to myself. Right now, I don’t feel like resuming contact will be beneficial in any way, and it would just stress me out. She’s still blocked on Facebook, and I still don’t care to see anything she posts because it just reminds me of her.

    I’m trying to not talk to friends about things so that nothing can get back to her, other than how well I might be doing, and I try not to ask about her.

    As it is, it’s looking like the first contact we’ll have since the new year will be at our event in a month, unless she messages me out of the blue.

    I don’t have a specific question, just wondering if you have any thoughts. Thanks.

    • Kevin January 15, 2014, 6:24 pm

      Keep moving forward. You will stop missing her too much eventually.

      • Guy January 18, 2014, 3:06 am

        So, assuming I actually can’t do anything– like she WILL NOT just leave her new bf for me– and plus it doesn’t matter anyway since she’s overseas and planning on gradschool in England– is your advice to just try to forget and let whatever happens happen?

        I would really like to work towards -something- with us, but contact just seems like a bad– or at least neutral, idea. (I say bad because I don’t want to obsess.) But I’d also hate to have a chance and let ideal times pass by.

        So what do you think? Maintain course with no contact? Let whatever happens happen? I’d love to fight for this girl, but it really does seem like all I can do is play the waiting game, which might not end for a very long time.

        • Kevin January 18, 2014, 12:47 pm

          Hey,

          You are not really waiting for her if you are concentrating on moving on. I guess the best course is to maintain no contact. If she contacts you, great. If not, you carry on with your life. Start dating and start enjoying life like she is just your past.

          • Guy January 19, 2014, 6:59 pm

            It’s pretty hard to do. Even when forcing thoughts of her out of my head, or concentrating on something else, she is constantly on my mind. I still have this feeling of there being something I have to do, but know there’s not really anything.

            What makes it worse is I have no idea how she feels. I have no idea if she misses me, is having the time of her life, (or both), or what. Even if she wanted to come back, she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t hurt her friend/new bf that way, and it would piss a lot of her friends off who got up in arms about me.

            So, I am just trying to accept that there is nothing I can do. I could technically contact her, but I just can’t decide if it’s a good idea or not. She hasn’t contacted me (and likely won’t, for all I know she’s waiting to see if I contact her).

            I can’t really find any new people to hang out with, and don’t have time to find many for a while due to other obligations.

            So, while I’m trying to move forward and working out and taking lessons and such, I feel like I’m stagnating, where she is accomplishing a bunch of goals and will eventually be with her new bf (again, who she’s been online friends with for 10 years). So, I’m just insanely frustrated and don’t know what to do. Plus, I have dreams about her almost every night, which sets the stage for a poor day the next morning.

            I want some kind of plan of action that isn’t giving up on her entirely, but also isn’t spending all my time fruitlessly using all my energy on her.

            Thoughts?

          • Kevin January 20, 2014, 2:23 pm

            Hey Guy,

            First of all, stop comparing your progress with hers. You are moving at your own pace and she is at her. And don’t ever try to force thoughts out of your head. It’s really not possible. I have an article on this website about obsessive thoughts. Read it. Try meditation, it’s really a great way to stop obsessing over something.

            As for contacting her, it seems you still have hope inside you of getting back together. IF you think that hope is keeping you from moving on, contact her and give it a try one more time. IF it works, great. If not, you can rest assured it will not work out and concentrate all your effort in moving on.

  • liam January 15, 2014, 12:13 pm

    This is the text I sent:
    Hey, I’m just in a pub and it’s honestly like I’ve stepped into an Inn from skyrim! Log fire and even bard music playing in the background. No nirnroot though! :p made me think of you, hope you’re good 🙂

    Still no reply off her, the way I see it the options are:

    1. She isn’t contacting me because it’s too confusing and painful for her to have a regular conversation with me in which it seems I’ve moved on (on which case I’d case she’d still have feelings for me)

    2. She wants to be in touch with me but feels too guilty to stay in contact with me or her new boyfriend has just plain told her not to contact me (in which case would you think she’d have told him she had come to see me and told him about the texts she initially sent?) Also if she really felt too guilty would she have come to see me in the first place or possibly even feeling guilty about doing tjat and now pretending it didn’t happen. Either way I think this would show she cares more about his feelings but I don’t know.

    3. She plain just wants me out of her life but if this was the case then why wouldn’t she just tell me straight up that she didn’t want me to contact her anymore. She had no problems doing that before. Do you think that by not telling me to back off she’s leaving the door open for me to keep trying?

    What’s your take on these points? Do you think it likely to be any of them or perhaps something else that I have missed? I just don’t understand why she would say we could be on good terms now but later refuse contact. I guess that sounds more like she spoke to her boyfriend after our conversation and told her he didn’t want her talking to me and she’s listening.
    What’s my next step now that she’s chosen to ignore me? I feel more objective now and I want to stick to the plan.

    • Kevin January 15, 2014, 6:22 pm

      Hey Liam,

      At this point you have two options.

      1. Move on. There’s no point in trying to understand what’s going on in her head and why she is responding the way she is. What matters is if you try more you are just going to feed this obsession until it takes over your life. You have to know when to give up. You tried it once, so now cut your losses, block her from facebook, and carry on with your life. Think of her as your past and start looking into the future.

      2. Keep trying. Wait another couple of weeks and send her another text. If you choose this, I’ll recommend a text which arises curiosity in her. Something like “Hey, something just happened that reminded me of you. It was crazy.” Of course, you should have something to follow up once she replies.

      • liam January 15, 2014, 7:19 pm

        I don’t feel ready to give up on her yet. I will try again. You think it’s more that she’s not interested in me at all now then?

        • liam January 15, 2014, 7:22 pm

          Because your suggestion of giving up gives me the impression you feel she has completely moved on now?

          • liam January 15, 2014, 8:16 pm

            It’s just that you and a few other people agree that she probably put stuff on Facebook for me to see and react so why would she do that if she didn’t care and then ignore me when I make contact unless she was expecting a begging text from me. I just want help in understanding her. If you had to guess what would it be honestly?

  • liam January 15, 2014, 1:01 pm

    And she’s back to posting links and things on his Facebook again. I know I shouldn’t look but can’t help it. It just looks like she’s getting on with her life now and that their relationship is still strong and happy. (She’s just been posting fun science links and things) and she’s forgotten about me. I just keep wanting to text her again asking why the hell she’s ignoring me!

  • Peter January 15, 2014, 9:14 pm

    Hi Kevin

    Just some back story. I am armenian and my gf was not. My family didn’t support that. After 5 years together, it became too much for me and I got confused and broke it off with her, even though I still loved her. I didn’t explain it to her and it was sudden. She (understandably) hated me afterwards. She said that I made her believe that I loved her (which I did) and that the love she had for me turned to hate. She even said I was worse than her ex (who made her get an abortion and beat her). That’s when she cut off all communication to me.
    I got a message from her about a month and a half later. She texted me saying she is over everything and would love to remain friends. I agree, and we start talking more and more. Since my feelings for her never changed, I really enjoyed it. We had been talking for the better part of a month now. She sends me sexy pictures of herself about to go out to have fun, and talks to me late at night. I recently saw that she is posting pictures with another man and the comments are “Oh, you guys look good together!” She’s in the police academy, and it’s one of her fellow cadets. As it turned out, she would go out with him, and then talk to me after the date was over, but she never told me about him. I ask her if she had a new boyfriend, to which she said no, but she is starting to take this new man a bit more seriously. So serious that she already met his mother, and she saw a text from his sister asking when he’s going to ask to be his girlfriend. We still kept in touch, and I asked her if he knew she was talking to me, to which she says that he doesn’t know. She asked the reason why I ended things, and I explained it to her. As we talk, she says the boyfriend is just like me, except that he is white. As the conversation kept going she asked, “If you had to choose between me and someone new, what would you do?” I said that I would always choose her because I love her and I wanted to start over with her. I explain how I don’t care what my family thinks, and that we should start our lives together like we discussed. She says that she felt that she always came second, and that she hated that. I tell her things will be better and that she always came first, even if it didn’t seem like it. She said that it was incredibly selfish of me to say that to her now and that she has no feelings for me whatsoever. Since we were talking late she said, “I have to be up early. We’re already meeting for dinner later this week, but we can also talk tomorrow.” The next day I got a text from her saying that she felt it was best that we didn’t talk for a while because she doesn’t want to mislead me to thinking that something is there. I told her I wouldn’t give up, but I initiated no contact.

    In that time I have been working on myself, and she made things official with the new man. They’ve been going out since Thanksgiving (which coincidentally, was our anniversary) and they work in the same police precinct. She contacted me later saying that she saw I un-followed her on social media, but that it was okay and she still wanted to be friends. I didn’t respond to her.

    There are so many things going through my head. For example, how could she get over me and start being serious with someone in just 1-2 months? Why can’t I stop thinking about them being happy together? Will they last?

    It has been two months since we spoke. I actually re-read this guide everyday for encouragement. Thank you so much for writing it and reading my post!

    • Kevin January 18, 2014, 1:19 pm

      Hey Peter,

      Sorry you are going through this and I am glad this article helped. The fact that she wants to stay in touch and be friends says that she still has some feelings for you and hasn’t completely moved on. It’s hard for me to say whether or not they’ll last. I don’t know enough about her or her new relationship. But yes, it could be a rebound relationship. It’s good you initiated NC. Follow the plan and see how things go.

      • Peter January 19, 2014, 10:53 pm

        Thanks for the response. I’m constantly flucuating in my feelings. One day I’ll say “I’m going to win her back” and the other I’m saying “it’s over, she has someone, move on.” I know I’ll be fine in the long run, but I’m just caught in my own feelings right now. Even though it’s been two months of no contact, I know I shouldn’t contact her until I am absolutely ready too. Is there such thing as too much no contact?

        • Kevin January 20, 2014, 2:17 pm

          It depends on the situation. But in my experience, how YOU are feeling is more important than how long you’ve been in no contact.

  • Adam January 15, 2014, 11:46 pm

    Hi me and my ex split up 10 months ago we have beautiful twin girls together she has a boyfriend who she has been with for about 4/5 months she did start seeing him after we broke up but cheated on him then they split

    Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been texting about the girls to her she does reply but then changes the subject and has been quite flirty with me and payin me compliments we did speak about our relationship and I said it seems you think the only good thing about it was the twins thinking she would reply with yeah
    But no she replied with we had some amazing times and me memories so it wasn’t all bad so I listed a few to which she added some more then said I’m quite upset now

    I was one of those guys that didn’t know any emotion part from anger (I wasn’t violent) just when we argued said some horrible things to her which I didn’t mean heat of the moment I suppose

    In ways she changed me for the better we had something we never thought we could have (children) which lead to me wanting to give her a marriage a family and a home

    In October 2012 I decided I wanted a lot more from this relationship than I give away and started planning a proposal for her birthday in the august just gone I saved for the ring which was a ring that she would have given perfection

    We were together for 2 1/2 years and I was only 22 when we got together and wasn’t ready for the marriage and family thing but as it happened I adapted to it and would never look back

    Last night I saw a comment on facebook saying name your ex in only a movie title and messaged her saying I dare you to comment 😉 to which she did then we started talking about our sex life which she said was amazing

    What I am trying to say is I’m really confused I tried the textyourexback program when we split but it didn’t work son 45 days LC because of the kids can I realistically get her back as I’m determined more than ever to have the three most important ladies back in my arms

    • Kevin January 18, 2014, 1:13 pm

      Hey Adam,

      Did you apply NC for a while? If you did, then did you try asking her out, for coffee or dinner?

  • Shane January 16, 2014, 6:27 am

    I am married going through a divorce. Ive been with my ex for 7 years and have two kids with her. I havent done right cause I couldnt keep a job and was still living like a little boy. My ex told me she will always be in love with me but love just isnt enough. So I found myself moving from california to oklahoma in search of starting a new life. My ex only three weeks started seeing this guy and tells me she really likes him but is still in love with me. I can make head or tails of this. Then she tells me we will one day be back together if I can prove to her ive changed and can keep a job and get a house. Well ive been gone for two months. I stop talking to her for a month. Then out of the blue she sends me a text saying all these things she misses about me. I bite it hook line and sinker. Now ive driven her further to this man. Who by they way I found out is see other women on side. I told my ex and she says oh well if he is he is that she not to serious about this guy but enjoys him. Im lost and feel I screwed everything up. I have a great job now, Im renting a house and I been excerising alot. But im so depressed my face looks like the night of the living dead. Do you think she will come back or is she blowing smoke up my butt? Shes told me she doesnt know what the future holds. She has told me she has a void in her heart that no one can fill but me and ill always be her true love. But she needs more. Help me please.

    • Kevin January 18, 2014, 1:10 pm

      Shane, you have a pretty solid chance. She practically told you what it would take to get her back. So concentrate on your life and don’t lose hope. It’ll all be good in the end.

  • liam January 16, 2014, 8:03 am

    What if I just straight up ask her why she isn’t replying? I do think I need to understand what is going on in her head. What do you think is the most likely reason she isn’t replying? Even though she came in to see me and said we can be on good terms? Surely if she believes we have both moved on then she wouldn’t consider me a threat to her new relationship? So either she doesn’t believe me when I say it or she hasn’t really moved on either. She already feels like she’s slipped into my past with every day that goes by. I really would have thought if it was a rebound relationship then it would have unravelled by now 🙁 also it may not mean anything but she doesn’t really seem to show him much affection on her fb posts. They look more like posts of a friend. She’s never really had too many friends and when she’s had them she’s been desperate to keep them but her close friendships never really last long. Could it be possible that deep down she is merely staying with him just for companionship? Even if that is the case she’s not really giving me anything to work with but I’d have thought that of she didn’t really want me to contain her she would’ve have said so (as she had no problem doing that before I started NC)

    • liam January 16, 2014, 8:05 am

      Contain – contact*

      • liam January 16, 2014, 9:16 am

        Also another thing I didn’t mention before I don’t think but when she came to see me in work and was saying that she was doing lots of things, I pointed to the collection bucket for the skydive I’ll be doing next month with another girl and said that important pretty busy too. She looked at the bucket (which had mine and the other girls name on) but didn’t make a comment on it and didn’t look very happy about it, do you think this could be jealousy that I’m doing this with another girl? I had been saying to her before that I’d wanted to do a skydive but I never actually went and did it until after we broke up. Maybe it Willshow a change in her now. I’m constantly comparing myself to her new boyfriend and I don’t think he does anything. I’m pretty sure that whenever he’s not working he’s with her. Don’t know whether this is good or not. But I do still think that he is better than how I used to be and that’s what she’ll be comparing too as she’s not giving me any real chances to show her yhe extent of which that I’ve changed. That could be another reason why she is ignoring me as it makes her confused seeing me do more things with my life now and she absolutely hates questioning herself and it takes a great deal for her to admit that she is wrong. (Which is another reason why I think there is not much hope) what do you think Kevin. I just want an opinion of what you think is going on with her, even if you think there is no point. Thank you

        • liam January 16, 2014, 2:00 pm

          I just hate the fact that she’s making new memories and having new experiences with someone new. She’s moved on from me and I can’t forget her. I just don’t know why she doesn’t just tell me one way or the other instead of just ignoring me. What do you think? 🙁

  • Evan January 17, 2014, 1:37 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I was dating a girl for almost 11 months and then we broke up in May. Ever since then we would still always hang out, go on dates, and express our feelings for each other. When we are together it is magical and time slows down. It is an absolutely perfect feeling! She was ready to settle down and I was not quite at that stage yet. I was just scared of commitment. In November she got back with her ex bf from college. They had dated about 5 years ago before this. When it happened she told me that she could not wait for me any longer and she had to move on. Even though we technically were not official bf and gf it still felt like a breakup to me. The bf she has now lives out of state but they have flown back and forth to visit each other several times. It made me realize that this is the absolute women of my dreams and I love her more than anything. Its all the subtle things that you take for granted that you do not realize until they are gone. I could absolutely see myself settling down with her and raising a family. I have never been in a situation like this before and I didnt know how to handle my emotions. It is one of those cliches, “you never know what you have until its gone.” I have read your article and am very intrigued by it. I have not contacted her in 3 and half weeks and it will be 4 weeks on Wednesday. Not contacting her is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. When do you think is a good time to contact her and what do you think would be a good thing to say? Do you think there is chance I could get her back? She posted on facebook that her bf is coming back to town for valentines day. It eats me alive inside to know that she will be spending valentiens day with another man. I know this situation is my fault, just hoping I have a chance to fix my mistake. I have been working out and exercising which does help a lot, but when I go to bed I still lose sleep thinking about her, thinking about them, and thinking about what her and I could eventually be.

    • Kevin January 18, 2014, 1:08 pm

      Hey Evan,

      To be honest, your chances are slim when your competition is an ex who she dated for 5 years. She has more history with him than she has with you. But however slim it may be, there’s a chance. I guess wait another week and contact her.

  • Jack January 17, 2014, 8:17 am

    Hey Kevin, these articles have given me a fair bit of confidence and in what I’m doing. But I need some recommendations what to do next in my situation.

    In the beginning of December my ex fiancee and I had been together for almost 17 months and she said that she wanted us to break up for a bit because she was stressed out from exams and didn’t want to take it out on me. Fair enough. So about a week and a bit went by and she said that she missed me too much and couldn’t stand being without me, so we got back together for a few days. After that she texted me saying that we need some time apart. I was okay with this because she sometimes did this when she was feeling emotional then got back together with me very soon after. We kept seeing eachother and stayed friends for a few days (until about a week before Christmas).

    It was then when she told me she liked someone else and said that she was confused and didn’t know what to do. I said (without thinking of future consequences or that she would actually date someone else) that she should do whatever makes her happy. While hanging out with her friends (some of which I found out that they earlier told her that she should leave me) her new bf asked her out and she said yes. She texted me the next day saying that she was dating him but she still wanted to be friends with me. I didn’t know exactly what to do so I went along with it. I found it absolutely gut-wrenching whenever she talked about being with him or even said anything about him. One time she asked my opinion on a tight dress she got so her new bf would look at her instead of other girls while she is around him. I was shocked that she was doing this so I told her she shouldn’t have to change for anyone especially not for that reason. So she asked me to take it back and I did. I also found out that he would barely text her and give him not a lot of information into his life, which made me seriously question why she was dating him, since she tend’s to have relationship related trust issues (her ex’s have cheated on her in the past). After doing some begging, telling her that I missed her and asking her for another chance (all of which I have now apologized for) I realized that it was not helping which is when I came across this. As soon as I read the thing about it being a rebound relationship I pretty much just relied on that for us to get back together.

    Then she asked me if I’d like to go to the movies with her one time so I did. Bad decision. Just as I walked up the stairs to the cinemas I saw her and her bf kissing, almost making out. I felt so angry I felt like calling her a slut (in the moment thing I guess). This was also the first time I had ‘met’ her bf so I stood behind him almost about to pound him waiting for him to leave.

    When he did leave I could hardly get a word out of my ex and she said that she was afraid of me and wanted to go home (which she couldn’t because her mum wasn’t picking her up ’till later). So she got my friend over to make her ‘feel safer’ and we hung out for a while, only really talking about what was going on around us (apart from one occasion where she bought up her bf but I quickly changed the subject) until her mum came to pick her up. It was now that I realized that I was out of options and went back here to read through this again. This time I applied the no-contact rule and haven’t talked to her for almost two weeks now. When I called her and said we need some time apart and that it’s too hurtful for us to be friends right now she panicked (as usual) and said that she would delete all my numbers and contact information. Saying that “it’s okay I won’t bother you if I need someone to talk to or if I’m in trouble” (to make me feel bad I assume). She then posted a facebook status saying “feeling heartbroken”. She texted me the very next morning to say good morning and has been texting me every day since (myself not replying). She did call me once though and told me that she missed me but I kept it short and didn’t really say anything emotionally related back.

    However three days ago she messaged me saying “Fine then ignore me cast me out because tha…”(only read notification on my phone so it didn’t say “seen” on facebook) and “So I hope your happy because I don’t give a sh*t what happens to me, so have a good life”. Since then she hasn’t texted me at all.

    I’m now worried that she will move on from me with her bf or maybe even if they are not together that someone else will snatch her. The one month mark for their relationship is in a couple of days and I was planning on texting her around then. But I don’t want to fall into the friendzone as a result of this in case she is still with him. What do you think I should do? Should I text her soon or wait a bit? I am really hoping to get this all fixed before school goes back in under two weeks, partially due to the fact that they both go to the same school and I feel they might get closer whereas I go to a different one. Any help would be much appreciated, thanks.

    • Kevin January 18, 2014, 1:04 pm

      Hey Jack,

      Good job on applying no contact. I think she was trying to put you in the friendzone but by applying no contact you made it clear that being friends with you is not an option. I think you should follow NC for a month. I know it might seem tempting considering school is starting but it will also seem desperate if you try to rush things.

      • Jack January 21, 2014, 1:12 pm

        Thanks Kevin, I’ll try to continue NC for the month long period then. Also she just texted me this: “Hey”, then “Look I’m trying here i want you as a mate and i care about u. I just wish you would talk to me” then called me (didn’t pick up) then texted me this:
        “I never wanted it to be like this. I still want to hang out and talk and stuff like that. But I can see your very happy now I’m really glad to see that I guess from your silence you never want to talk to me ever again. And that’s okay I respect that. As long as you’re happy then that’s that that matters, don’t worry from now on I won’t call or text you. You want me out of your life for good I get that now I just don’t like it. Keep smiling and being happy 🙂 it’s great to see.
        Sounded like a load of crap to me but I’m not sure, what do you think about all of what she said? Should I do or say anything? Also I have still kept up no contact. Thanks mate.

  • liam January 17, 2014, 7:10 pm

    What do you think is the most likely reason for her not responding? We agreed to be on good terms but not replying to my texts doesn’t seem like she is tbh. I just want to understand. If it’s because she’s too upset to see me doing ok then I may have a shot but that doesn’t seem likely. I just would’ve thought she’d have told me point blank if she didn’t want to talk to me. She used to talk to her ex while she was with me and told me she had no feelings for him at all and I trusted her to remain in friendly contact with him. She said the same about me to me when we broke up, that to her I was just another one of her exs, that she wasn’t attracted to me and didn’t love mr anymore, but if that’s true what’s stopping her from being friendly with me if she thinks I’ve moved on? Could it be she’s thinking things through. It’s just if that was the case I’d have thought she’d have replied to me. Could she be punishing me for “moving on?” What’s your opinion?

    • liam January 17, 2014, 9:06 pm

      It’s just the last time I had any kind of contact from her was new years eve and that was when she waved at me from his car and I pretended not to notice. He could have told her he didn’t want her talking to me and she’s listening to him. Which means she doesn’t want to risk losing him 🙁 what you think?

    • Kevin January 18, 2014, 12:57 pm

      As usual Liam, I am going to say she is confused about her feelings and there’s no point trying to understand what’s going on in her head. It’s only going to make you crazy and increase your obsession. Instead of answering your questions, let me ask you a question, why do you need to know all this? Is it to find out whether or not you still have a chance? If so, then yes I think you probably still have a chance. Even if it’s a small chance, there’s a chance. But I don’t think it’s worth pursuing anymore because it’s taking more out of you than it should you. It’s making you obsess over her more than it should. And this chance (or hope) is keeping you from living your life to the fullest.

      As for your questions, your guess about her behavior is as good as mine. Over-analyzing her behavior is not going to help you determine your next move. If you want to continue pursuing her, I’ll still highly recommend that you stay no contact for one month, block her from facebook and start doing something new with your life. Date at least two or three girls in this time. Get laid as much as you can. And after that, if you still want her this much badly, then contact her.

      You said you want to contact her and ask her directly why she is ignoring you. IMO, it’ll show her your neediness and desperation and it’s a bad idea. Again, it’s your decision to make.I am here to just advice you.

      • liam January 18, 2014, 2:02 pm

        I know, I have done a lot more in my life in the past couple of months than I have the last few years. I feel I have progressed more. I do like the idea of not showing my neediness to her but there’s something that keeps bothering me. When I first found out about the new boyfriend I was trying to arrange a meeting with her and she said that I could’ve gone to see her at anytime as I knew where she was and that showed that I “didn’t really care and haven’t changed a bit” thinking about that makes me think that maybe I should do something to show her that I do care and not contacting her etc is just going to make her believe even more that I don’t care and push her closer to him. I feel I need to know why she isn’t replying because if it’s because she wants me out of her life then I’ll know she has moved on but if it’s because she’s leaving the door open for me to keep trying then maybe she does still have feelings and doesn’t really want to let me go but at the same time doesn’t want to betray her bf. I mean I didn’t have any problem at all with her being in contact with her ex while I was with her as I trusted that she was over him so I don’t understand why she isn’t replying now. If you had to guess…?

        • liam January 19, 2014, 3:56 am

          Has she moved on if she’s able to ignore me so well? 🙁

          • liam January 19, 2014, 10:17 am

            It really does feel like she has forgotten me and if I leave it that long then it will be hopeless. I’m just so torn on what I should do. Surely showing assertiveness is going after what you want? Do you really think if I said to her that I want her back now she’d still take it as needy. I just don’t know where she thinks I’m at or if she even cares.

  • Kyle January 18, 2014, 11:38 am

    Hey I’ve recently broke up with my girlfriend. We were together for almost a year and a half. She says she wants to stay in contact as friends. I told her that I have no interest in being friends with her. Im planning to go NC for a month but worried it wont work. She is very stubborn and seem very convincing when she said she no longer had feelings for me. Im just worried if this will work because she not one to change her mind.

    • Kevin January 18, 2014, 12:44 pm

      There’s always a chance it won’t work. There’s no guarantee. You just follow no contact and hope for the best.

  • Kyle January 18, 2014, 7:03 pm

    Thanks, one more thing. When in NC if she tries to contact me first. Do I totally egnore her or…

    • Kevin January 20, 2014, 2:08 pm

      It depends on you and your situation. In most cases, I recommend to ignore the text. However, if you chose to reply, make sure you keep the conversation minimal.

  • Mark January 19, 2014, 4:38 am

    Hey Kevin, I would like you to thank for a great and detailed article. And expect to get suggestions regarding my current situation.
    Me and my ex-girlfriend were together for about 4 years, live in relationship. She broke up with me a month ago for another guy she just met few weeks earlier. We were having few problems in our relationships, most of which was my mistake. The guy met her at her work(The guy is a good friend of a co-worker of hers) and liked her. Then the guy found out from one of her friend that we were having problems in our relationship. Then the guy approached her being all nice and all. All her coworkers also suggested her to leave me. She was looking for a love and care from our relationship, which was lacking at the time. Then one day, after an argument with me, she left to stay at her friend’s home. The next day, she said she wanted to move on in her life. I stopped her, tried to persuade her, cried, but all failed. She left. I tried almost everything to talk to her. I also asked her best friend, who was not too close at that time, to persuade her to talk to me. She agreed and we arranged a meet up. I apologized to her and said I would change my behavior to be the guy she always wanted me to be. Her best friend talked to her and later told me she was surprised by what my ex told her. She was so convinced that my ex was not speaking her words. She felt like someone else was speaking through her, which was exactly what I had felt while talking to her the night she left. I did not know where she went, but few days later, I found out that she had left me for that guy and was staying at the guy’s girl friends. I tried so much to bring her back. Nothing worked. I was devastated and couldn’t sleep, eat or go to work. My other roommate texted her about my situation and she would text me back asking me to take care of myself and was sorry that she hurt me. Few days later, she contacted me to get a copy of household papers she needed for some reasons. After that she would occasionally talk/text to me and she always asked me to take care, eat proper. She also came to my apt to get the papers, and when she left, I saw the guy in the car. This shattered me into million pieces. After she left I immediately called her and told her that I wanted to talk to them both. They agreed and we talked few hours at a restaurant. I just wanted to see if the guy is serious about the relation. He saw how much I loved her and cared about her. When we left, he came to me and told me not to worry about her anymore and he’d take good care of her. One thing that hit me hard was that he told me that this would have never happened if he knew how much I loved her! I also found out that they had known each other for just 4 weeks!
    I still texted her often and she replied to my texts occasionally. Most of the times, she would want to make sure that I was doing well. The college started after holidays and we went to same university. Since our college is 40 min away from our location, the night before first day of school, I offered her a ride as she is not confident driving on the freeways. She denied saying that she can’t do that as I was her ex, when I texted her the morning, she finally called me agreeing. On the way to the college and during breaks between classes, we met and talked about lot of things, good, bad, and I asked her to come back. She was happy that I was a changed person but said that it was too late now and she can’t come back as she did not want to hurt him. She replies to my texts/ calls when her new bf is not around and tells me not to text/call her as he saw it and broke an argument between them. We still meet at college, eat together and when I ask her if she misses me, she says she does. She even tells me that she still loves me and she loves that guy too. But says she can’t leave that guy because he loves her a lot and she’d hurt him if she did. I tried to convince that she was in a honeymoon stage with the guy, the stage we were some 4 yrs ago, and asked her not to waste her time with him. Today, she told me that the guy again found out that she’d been talking to me and they got into argument. I stumbled into this article and told her that I won’t talk/ text/ see her again and take care of herself. She said I was the sweetest person she had seen in her life and she wanted me to take care of myself too. I don’t know what to do next. I might run into her at college. How should I act now? Please Help!
    Thanks!

    • Kevin January 20, 2014, 2:13 pm

      Mark,

      Just follow the plan. I think you have pretty good chances since she is still clearly in love with you. If you run into her, be polite and confident. Don’t show any neediness. Hopefully, she will soon realize it’s just honeymoon period and break up with him.

    • Peter May 3, 2014, 6:04 pm

      Because our relationship started off sexually followed by emotionally…her new relationship started off the opposite ( emotionally then sexually) I feel my chances with her are slim. She will probably be with him for a long time. Two months is a long time to wait to try reach out to her. What will the long period do instead of say 2 weeks of no contact to her emotional reattachment to me?

      • Kevin May 7, 2014, 7:08 am

        Hey Peter,

        Yes, there’s a chance her new relationship will work out. But the reason you should wait for two months is because her relationship will probably be in the honeymoon period during these two months. When the honeymoon period is over and she starts realizing the new relationship isn’t as great as she though, then it will be a good time contact her.

  • Carl January 19, 2014, 2:11 pm

    I need help I don’t really know what to do, I broke up with my girlfriend about 1 1/2 years ago after 2 years if dating, we saw each other after that more than a few times, but I was very scared of accepting she was the one from me, even tough my father knew it, to make the story short late November I travel to London to see my sister and she keep texting me of places I should visit in the city, when I got back I decided to get back with her and I went yo see her and she was packing for a trip to canada yo see a friend (or at least that’s what I thought ), I kiss her and wish her a good trip, a few weeks ago I found out she is having this long distance relationship with him, and I don’t know what to do, she told me she want yo keep been friend and hung around, but I want to married her and now I don’t know what to do, i told her that I have change this past year to try to be better for her and that I love her and that I was a fool……..I want her back and I think it might be to late, any advise will be appreciated.

    • Kevin January 20, 2014, 2:14 pm

      Follow the plan Carl. Apply the NC rule.

  • Benjamin January 19, 2014, 4:53 pm

    Hey I was just wondering if agreing with the breakup and thanking your Ex for the good times you had together. Would that be a good or bad thing to do? Or wont it make much of a difference. I read it works…

    • Kevin January 20, 2014, 2:15 pm

      Yeah, it works in most cases.

  • Jaime Rodriguez January 19, 2014, 6:48 pm

    I just asked if my ex loves the guy shes been going out with since yesterday (we’re high schoolers) and she said sorta is she serious?

    • Kevin January 20, 2014, 2:16 pm

      If she can fall in love with him this much quickly, she can fall out of love quickly as well.

  • liam January 19, 2014, 8:00 pm

    Hi Kevin, I decided to send my ex an email just now it had an attachment of a video that we used to laugh about a lot. Here’s the email:

    Haha me and (my little step sister) just been watching this and she can’t stop laughing :p
    She was giggling at me just now too, bet you would too if you would have seen me just now haha! Hope your exam went well if you’ve had it (if not then good luck for it when you do)
    Btw I might be in (her college town) next week if you fancy meeting for a coffee or something 🙂 be nice to see you

    Hope you’re well

    I got a reply almost straight away saying:

    Hi Lloyd,

    Hah, great memories of this. I’m happy to hear that you have a little sister, congratulations. Thanks, my exam is next week. Oh cool, what you in (her college town) for? 

    Have you moved on? I mean, I’m guessing you don’t have feelings for me anymore? I think it might be a bit soon for coffee (for me). I’ll think about it.

    What do you think my reply should be? What do you think she’s thinking with her response? Funny how she replied straight away to an email bit was ignoring her texts. What do you think?

    • liam January 20, 2014, 10:07 am

      Because I was thinking of replying and still just keeping things casual and try to ignore her question of if I’ve moved on. As you can see she tends to get straight to the point. She just straight up asks me instead of trying to figure it out. I just don’t think I should lie and say that I don’t have feelings for her anymore. Do you think that this message hints that she still has feelings for me? What do you think I should do now? What do you think it means that she ignored my texts but replied straight away to an email? Thanks

      • Kevin January 20, 2014, 1:11 pm

        Yeah, ignore the moving on part. Carry on the conversation casually. It could be that her boyfriend is checking her texts and she doesn’t want him to see it. Or perhaps the text you sent her didn’t really prompt a reply. It was more of “Hope you are doing well” text. But, since you got a response from email, stick to it. I think she has feelings for you. She said it’s a bit soon for coffee for her, which (I think) means that she can’t go out for coffee with you as a friend because she has feelings for you. I could be wrong though. However, try pushing it just a little bit. Like “come on, it’ll be fun.” or “it’s just coffee. It doesn’t really mean anything.” But don’t go overboard so it may seem needy.

        Also, if she continues talking about whether you’ve moved on or you still love her, let her know how you are doing but make sure you don’t be completely honest. Say something like “I have been doing a lot of stuff with my life, so I’m mostly busy. But I still think about you sometimes.” But only if she keeps insisting.

        • liam January 20, 2014, 2:00 pm

          Hi Kevin, thanks for the advice. I don’t want to get my hopes up too much. The fact she said it was a great memory of the video I linked to her is kind of encouraging. And when she still wants to know if I’ve moved I’d like to think that that means she’s still thinking about me a lot. And now she is actually considering meeting with me now whereas before she dismissed it saying it would be unfair on her boyfriend.

          • liam January 20, 2014, 3:49 pm

            This was her reply. What do I do now 🙁

            That’s great, congratulations 🙂 I’m very happy for you. When is the wedding? Ahh that’s cool, well I don’t think I’ll be around on Wednesday as I’m going up to North wales to the cottage with my boyfriend, for a few days. We’re going on that massive zip wire thing in snowdonia, and we’ll hopefully get some hiking done too. 

            I don’t think we can meet up anyway, to be honest. I’m not sure that we can be friends – I think I have too many hard feelings, and I’m in such a great place in my life right now that I’m not up for any confusion, guilt or regret! Im sorry if friendship is what you want from me, but I don’t think I can commit. I’m really happy that you’re doing so well, that’s all I ever wanted for you when we were together. I’m sure you’ll make someone very happy one day (if you haven’t already!), and foresee good things coming your way. 

  • liam January 21, 2014, 7:37 am

    Hey ok this is basically where I’m at now. We were talking for a bit then she sent me this message:
    Yeah good luck with that, I hope it goes well.

    I’m not a special person to you, if I was then we would be in a different situation right now. As I said, I’m really happy that you’re a new person, you have your life on track, everything is falling into place and life is amazing, but I’m not sure I’m the best person to be talking to about it all. So you’re in town tomorrow then? Or do you mean a week tomorrow? Anyway, doesn’t matter, I dont think meeting would be a good idea. If you want to talk to me, then here is as much as I can commit to right now. So if you’d like to brag to me about how great everything is now that I’m not in your life and how much you’ve moved on, then go ahead……I’ll be listening.

    I replied saying I wasn’t trying to brag etc and then she came out and told me her plans to move to new zealand (next year now) and that her boyfriend would be going with her. She sees to bring him up at any opportunity. Is she trying to make me jealous or just feels ok to talk about it? She doesn’t seem to like hearing I’m doing ok, this mean she still probably has feelings? I’m going to go up to her town later and hopefully she’ll meet me if I’m there. Another thing, last night her old Facebook account that she deleted when we first broke up back in December 2012 was reactivated for a while last night. I refuse to believe that thats a coincidence. Do you think she was probably using it to look at my profile? I was looking at it and there was a lot of memories I’d forgotten from the beginning of our relationship. What’s your opinion on everything? Thanks

    • liam January 21, 2014, 7:40 am

      Also she said meeting me would probably cause her to feel confused, guilty and have regret. Thoughts?

      • liam January 21, 2014, 8:00 am

        Oh and she also seems to be insistent on only emailing and not texting which makes me think she’s probably hiding this from him. Though she did say in one of her emails that he’s “not exactly jumping for joy” that I’ve contacted her but I wonder to what extent he knows about

      • Kevin January 21, 2014, 9:58 am

        Again, ’cause she has unresolved feelings for you.

    • Kevin January 21, 2014, 9:56 am

      Hey,

      She clearly has unresolved feelings for you. It could be that she is happy with her new boyfriend or it could be she is just trying to show you she is happy and is bringing him up at every situation. She also was trying to find out whether or not you are in a new relationship. And yeah, that wasn’t a coincidence.

      • liam January 21, 2014, 11:58 am

        Any advice for the meeting if she shows?

        • liam January 21, 2014, 1:06 pm

          It’s just she seems to have taken it the wrong way and thinks I’m doing better because she’s not in my life. Not sure how to play things next. I’m on the way to her town now. Any advice would be great. Thank you

        • Kevin January 21, 2014, 1:11 pm

          Nothing particular. Just have fun and don’t give her a reaction when she talks about her boyfriend (which she will).

          • liam January 21, 2014, 1:31 pm

            Ok, thank you. It just makes me wonder how I can possibly compete when they are going away to all these places together. Feels like they’ve done more together than we did and from one of her emails she still seemed to be focusing on the bad times. I wonder if she went on her old Facebook to look up the old times. Because I was looking at them.

  • Destroyed inside January 21, 2014, 8:58 am

    Hey i just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years on Decemeber 21st 2013 and she was talking to this guy before we even broke up. We moved in together soon after we started dating and were madly in love. She lived in mass. and I live in OH. So when she moved here we had to move in together and spend every day together which was great. But now she’s already dating this guy 2 weeks after being back and it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to me and only feels the need to because she feels bad. I talked to her on the phone a few days ago when I found out and she told me she cares about me and is very confused. Everyone else tells me she moved on. I told her that I love her still and miss her and would be back with her if we ever tried again. I started no contact a couple days ago by deleting her on facebook and blocking her after telling her that I couldn’t talk to her because it was just too hard and I get too emotional when I do. Where do you feel I’m at with this and do you think I have a chance still?

    • Kevin January 21, 2014, 1:12 pm

      Yes, you probably have a chance. Just follow the plan and hope for the best (but be prepared for the worst).

      • Destroyed inside January 21, 2014, 6:02 pm

        The guy she’s with now is a pretty cool laid back dude and he lives with a bunch of roommates and she basically partys every night. She said she didn’t want to lose me from her life before when we talked and I told her I want her to be happy any way possible. She knows that I care for her deeply and when I did talk to her on the phone before I apologized for any mistakes I made during the relationship. She used to call me the most amazing guy in the world and I said the same about her. I guess I’m just giving you backstory here. Trying to get your take on the situation.

        • Destroyed inside January 21, 2014, 6:18 pm

          Even on the night that she left she was crying her eyes out and kissing and hugging me and the couple days on the road she would say she loved and missed me and wish she was back. She told me the thing with the other guy just kind of happened, and that it wasn’t planned. I don’t know how truthful it was but I feel like she still longed for me and that there is no way that I’m not in the very back of her head.

  • Benjamin January 21, 2014, 11:00 am

    I’ve just found out that she overlapped our relationship by starting anouther on with an ex of hers. She said she didnt do anything other than talk to him while she was with me and said she grew feelings for him again. I was just wondering if this still counts as a rebound? Will this get in the way of her missing me? And do these overlapping relationships last very long?
    Thanks

    • Kevin January 21, 2014, 1:09 pm

      Benjamin, it’s hard to say because there’s history there as well. Still, you can give it a try once and see if she comes back.

      • Benjamin January 21, 2014, 1:45 pm

        I understand. Im not convinced it will last long though. Could she simply be trying fill in a hole where I once was? I know the reason for the break up was she definitely lost intrest in me. She said our relationship wasn’t as exiting as it used to be. My fault. I didnt maintain much of a challange for her. So maybe she’s out looking for exitment. Either way im going to work on myself like you said. Become the man she fell for, contact her in a month and see where things stand

        • Benjamin January 21, 2014, 1:51 pm

          One more thing. Ive been in NC with her for 3 days now. But yesterday I had to go to her house and collect something I forgot when I moved out. I phoned her asking her to open her gates. Walked in, got what I needed and walked out without saying a word. (Wanted to keep NC). As I was leaving she camme out and started yelling at me. I just ignored it and got in my car. Could this be because she was expecting me to start talking/begging/harassing her.

  • liam January 21, 2014, 3:44 pm

    I just got this from off her what the hell do I do now? 🙁

    No, sorry I’m really busy. Also, as I said, I cannot be friends with you. I don’t think its appropriate for me to be hanging around with someone i used to have a relationship with, especially had a pretty bad break up, and no element of friendship at the end. Have a good afternoon. We can’t be friends, but if there’s something you want to say to me, then tell me over email. I don’t want to see you, but that’s going to be pretty hard anyway if you’ve joined a rowing team. 

  • liam January 21, 2014, 4:26 pm

    I fucked up 🙁 it’s over. She didn’t meet me but asked if I could call her then basically tricked me in to saying that I still had feelings for her. She said she felt nothing for me. I don’t understand why she acted the way she did. She genuinely sounded like she has no feelings at all for me. Probably because I gave her power. That’s it isn’t it?

    • liam January 21, 2014, 7:42 pm

      If I did have a chance then it’d be to just carry on doing new things and that would prove that I’m not just doing them to win her back. I think she has definitely looked at my Facebook as she said that “word is that you’re rowing now” I don’t know anyone who would tell her so I think she looked herself as she ignored when I asked who told her. I don’t understand why she’d seem bothered and she thought that my life is great because she’s not a part of it and then claim not to have any feelings left for me. Wish I didn’t fall into her trap. Should have told her I had no feelings for her. She made it seemed that she has feelings for me then span it a rounded. I don’t understand how she’s turned into this cruel person. She even called me her new boyfriends name and laughed 🙁

      • Kevin January 22, 2014, 7:57 am

        Hey Liam,

        Sorry things didn’t go as you hoped. But I think whatever happened is for the best. Perhaps, this incident will help put a stop to your obsession. When you told her that you accepted the breakup, she couldn’t believe it and everything she said from that time was to test you.

        Her primary concern in life is to do better than you. She is playing the game of post breakup competition. I’ll suggest you don’t fall into that game.

        At this point, I hope you can put this behind you and concentrate on your life. If she wants to come back, it’ll have to be her contacting you. It’ll have to be her breaking up with her boyfriend for you. Any move from your side will just seem needy and will probably push her away.

        Heck, maybe you will eventually realize that you don’t want her and you are better off without her.

        • liam January 22, 2014, 12:21 pm

          Thank you Kevin. I just wonder if you think she was lying when she said she has no feelings for me, considering her behaviour and activating her old Facebook now. I am going to try and just move on now but I think I will still have a small hope that she will come back to me but I don’t see it happening. She really did seem to hate it whenever I told her the fun things I’ve been up to and she is insanely competitive so I can see that she will be trying to do better than me. Especially since it was me who rebounded last time we broke up 🙁 I thought I was over her back then and had no feelings for her then but after a free months I realised I was wrong. I guess all I can ask is for the same to happen to her

          • liam January 22, 2014, 3:51 pm

            Is there still a chance that it’s still just a rebound? I just don’t understand when she says she’s a lot happier now with him. But then at the same time she seemed hurt that I was also doing better and said she couldn’t be friends as it would confuse her etc. Urgh I just don’t know. She said that she’s glad that I’m chasing the things I want and flattered that she’s one of them. I’m so frustrated with myself for falling into her trap and fueling her ego. It’s like she’s come out on top now and it does feel like they’re laughing at me now. She even said she wasn’t taking it as a big deal and it wasn’t a concern in her life anymore (how could she say that if she genuinely had no feelings for me?) And she almost started laughing when she accidentally called me her new boyfriends name. That makes me feel so shit that she even did that and she found it funny. It’s like she’s trying to hurt me or just doesn’t care if she does

  • Fernando January 21, 2014, 6:09 pm

    Hey so today i am 21 days into no contact during This time i made no contact at all with her except for that episode with my nepthew on whatsapp, during This time i dedicated more of my time to having fun going out with friends beaches parties i bought new cloathing lost 5 pounds and posted on Twitter alto of pictures with friends in cool places i know she keeps tab on these things because even after i unfollowed her still follows me on Twitter, i found out that the dude that she was getting close to that lived far they kinda stopped talking and she lost interess in him but i know she ia still flirting with a few, so both of us are getting weird random anonimus questions on ask.fm i got onde today that said hey how many times you and your ex had sex , i anwsered are you serious? Grow up but none shes a virgin only after marage lol and 20 minutes later my ex sends me a text saying please tale that down thank you , and i broke the no contact rule i sent her a text saying sorry didnt no that ir would upset you didnt mean to be disrespectful was never my intention i always respected you regardless of everything , and i took the anwser down on ask fm, so know im thinking man i broke the no contact rule, by doing this did i hurt my chances? But i did realize that she is keeping tab on my social networks by the way she responded to This só fast, problem is she is the most stubburn person i ever met i cant seem to believe she Will contact me and want to come back to me she posts things on Twitter making clear she is all over me, i need some advice what should i do ? Keep to the plan or add a week to the no contact ? Thank you in advance 😉

    • Kevin January 22, 2014, 7:49 am

      Don’t worry about it. Although since you contacted her, I’d recommend to add one week to NC. Although, it’s completely your call.

  • Fernando January 21, 2014, 6:16 pm

    The none shes a virgin was a lie obviously but i guess she got angry about that, dont know why really it was better then saying the truth, i guess i shouldnt even of anwsered that it just upsetted her. Now im lost need advice ????

  • Mac January 21, 2014, 9:41 pm

    Hey Kevin. So here’s my story in short. Me and my ex had been dating since around our freshman year of highschool, growing closer and closer every year. We’re now 21 years old and we broke up 3 months ago after I found out she hooked up with my old best friend. When I found out I started to break some of her things in her apartment (I severely regret that). After a few days I felt so bad and tried to contact her but she was scared of me. Eventually she got over it and we started to have sex here and there (both agreed they were only booty calls). I became too needy and would call her a lot and text her until she replied and started asking for more booty calls. My annoying neediness only got worse, like showing up at her apartment unexpectedly with a gift. She’s even said this is pushing her away, so I’ve decided I’m through. Even after just finding out she had sex with someone from work. So I’m going to attemp “no contact” for the first legit time. Is there anything I can say before I cut it off to increase my chances of it working? What should be my game plan here? She’s said thAt we will never be together again and that nothing will ever change that. It’s killing me, help me out brother.

    • Kevin January 22, 2014, 8:00 am

      Hey Mac,

      After you finish no contact, it helps to send that letter mentioned in the other article. If you want, you can send the letter at the beginning of NC (or middle) as well. But she is probably going to contact you after receiving the letter so it kind of defeats the purpose of NC.

  • Sergio January 22, 2014, 1:39 am

    Hi everyone, tbh I like this article or whatever is called lol it has given me hope with my ex.
    I dated my ex for almost a year, she broke up with me before our 11 month anniversary, although our relationship was on and off over the year, we used to be close and happy together, it used to be great.
    3 weeks later after our break up she told me she was dating someone else, she had a new boyfriend, who happened to be a friend of hers, now I really want her back, I haven’t talk to her till last Saturday asking her to give me another chance, but she said she couldn’t cause she’s dating someone else, I wanna get her to give me another chance, so we can be together and be a couple again, what do you guys think I should do?
    Please tell me, I really miss her, I would apreciate it if you guys tell me what to do

    • Kevin January 22, 2014, 8:02 am

      Apply NC.

      • Sergio January 22, 2014, 12:15 pm

        What’s NC again? Lol

        • Kevin January 23, 2014, 9:25 am

          No Contact. Stop all communication with your ex.

          • Sergio January 24, 2014, 7:29 pm

            But like I want her back, and I’m afraid she’ll fall in love deeper with him, she can miss me all she wants, but she won’t show it or say anything about it, she’ll just be with her new bf

  • Carlos January 22, 2014, 2:51 am

    Kevin, it would be great if you can give me some advise! Girlfriend broke up like 3 months ago, after a 5 year relationship…. tried contacting her but she just didn’t want anything so y stopped doing it, I even found out she had a new boyfriend,. A month After that, I tried to call her on Christmas just to wish her well, she didn’t answer but called me back crying a couple hours after that, I went to pick her up and we spend the whole day together talking about how much she missed me and was always comparing me to her new bf, and I always came on top, the future, marriage and kids,(that’s what she wanted from the beginning) and after that said we would meet for the weekend…she called me a couple days later saying it had been a mistake to call me and that she was sorry but just couldn’t do it ( she still with her boyfriend) I didn’t contact her after that but she called me a few days after saying that she was really confused, that she wanted to be with me but was going to start therapy and needed a few weeks by herself, I hardly agreed but finally did. After a week she writes saying that she didn’t wanted to keep me waiting, that she had taken her descision a few months ago and that she had to respect that so I called her, talked a little, got mad and said ok do as you want but don’t play with feelings again and I hung up…..it’s been two weeks now…..I want to know what to do! We had been in a 5 year relationship and I know we had something special for both. How do you see the situation….I was planning on calling her or go look for her in a couple more weeks, but not shure what will work best. Please help!

    • Kevin January 22, 2014, 11:30 am

      Contact her after a couple more weeks and see where she is in life. Therapy will probably help her decide what she wants in her life. It might work to your advantage.

  • Jake January 22, 2014, 10:54 am

    Hi Kevin!
    I need your help.

    My girlfriend and I lasted only for 3 months. It had been 2 months now since we broke up. When our relationship was beginning, she was so in love with me. I was not so sure at first but I finally fell in love with her. We were both so in love until big fights came along. She broke up with me saying that I was “too controlling”. See, it was inevitable that I get jealous of her guy friends at times. She also said that she’s confused, she doesn’t want to commit again and doesn’t want to get tied to anyone.

    I did all those stupid stuff after the break up. Begged to her, cried to her, and even texted her everyday. She said she wants us to be friends. I didn’t agree. I tried NC but it only lasted for a week because she started following me around in school. It’s annoying really because every time I tell her i would stay away, she would get mad at me because she wants us to be friends.

    She’s dating someone else now. Her dormmate whom I got jealous before. He was the one who was always there for her during the rough times of our relationship. She had known him earlier than me. And that guy liked her even before but she never had interest in him, not until now. I was devastated knowing how fast she moved on. I really believed her word when she said that she wouldnt wanna commit again. But how come she has someone new? She didn’t say if they’re officially a couple yet.

    My ex and I still text EVERY DAY. We talk and text like we’re still a couple. She gets jealous whenever there are girls around me. I dont understand her, she has someone new yet we have something going on. It’s really hard to move one because we go to the same school, we see each other everyday. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. Whenever I ask her o go out with me, she would agree then by the last minute she would cancel. It’s always like that.

    Can I still get her back? How? I really am desperate. I love her so much. She is my first girlfriend. We already planned the future together. We’re currently on the friends level. We’re getting to know each other since 3 months of being together wasn’t enough. On text messages, she tells me that we’re only close friends. But whenever we see each other in person, she’s different. She’s giddy, touches my hand all the time, and always stands close to me

    • Kevin January 23, 2014, 9:32 am

      Jake apply NC and during NC start dating someone else. Tell her that you need some time and space and she needs to be mature and let you have it. Tell her that if she wants you to be her friend, she needs to understand your needs and respect them. That’s what a good friend would do. See how she responds to that.

  • liam January 22, 2014, 6:56 pm

    I also sent her an email after we spoke just saying that I think I needed to hear what she said and I’m completely comfortable with everything. I really did ruin everything didn’t I? She’s not going to let me close to her now but it kinda felt like she was pulling anyway but I guess that could’ve just been a bluff designed to get me to do exactly what I did

    • Kevin January 23, 2014, 9:43 am

      Liam,

      I think it’s still a rebound. She still has feelings for you, otherwise she wouldn’t have really cared whether or not you have feelings for her and she wouldn’t be jealous if you’ve moved on. But, she seems to be committed to making her rebound relationship work. IMO, she is forcing herself and using this relationship to run away from her grief. If her new relationship is to end, it will end in due time and there is nothing you can do to expedite it. Her actions were pretty cruel. Consider the fact that she is still hurt inside, and knowing that you still have feelings for her makes her feel better about herself. Perhaps that’s why she did it.

      • liam January 23, 2014, 10:11 am

        I guess so, but it really didn’t help me in any way letting her know that. It’s just so hard. After I told her I still had feelings for her she said that was the real reason she was refusing to be friends. She said she had her suspicions before. Feel so stupid that I let her know so soon. I just don’t get that if she really had any feelings for me at all why she wouldn’t be more open to trying again. I don’t understand why she first agreed to keeping communication open on email one day then completely threaten to end it the day after. She didn’t reply to my email where I said I think I needed to hear what she said. I know now I’ve got to move on like before and if she comes back she comes back. But I can just see this relationship lasting a long time. I think her shortest relationship was like a year and things seem even more serious with her new boyfriend than they did with me already (and we were both each others most committed relationship so far) and they seem to have done more stuff together than we have (therefore more memories) I just find it hard to see how she’ll ever come back now.

        • liam January 24, 2014, 9:11 am

          If she has made more good memories with him then is it really likely she’ll ever look back. It really does feel like she’s forgotten all our good memories and replaced them with memories with him.

          • Kevin January 25, 2014, 9:53 am

            Liam, is obsessing about whether or not she’ll come back doing you any good. At this point, it shouldn’t matter. What matters is you have to actually move on.

  • Tyler January 23, 2014, 6:48 am

    Hey Kevin, great read! My girlfriend (Megan) and I split about 2 weeks ago. She has a new boyfriend. Actually she had a new boyfriend about 6 days after we split. It was a bit of a shock to me as I’m still trying to figure out how to get over her. But my goal is to get her back at all costs. So I read your article and it’s given me hope. I talked to her 3 days after the break up, but haven’t since. Her reason for leaving was “her heart wasn’t in it”. I want to get her heart back in it. So I’ve been keeping away from contacting her, but we do have a mutual friend (Lea) that I’ve been getting information from. So anyway I have a plan and I want to know if it’s a good one. I bought her a shirt when we were in a relationship, but it didn’t arrive until we split up. So I have the shirt and I want to give it to her. So I’m going to have Lea give it to her, and say it’s from her. Then a week later or so, Lea will reveal that the shirt is actually from me and then hand her a letter that I wrote. It’s hand written and it explains why I got the shirt and how I still want her to have it. It also says that I hope she is doing well and that if she ever needs anything, I’m always here. It’s longer than that, but that’s the main point. Do you think this will help? Or does it have a chance of working? I am not really concerned about her new BF. I know I’m better to her than he’ll ever be. So by keeping away from her and then having her receive this gift from me, do you think that is a plan that could work? If yes, then what do you think I should do after she gets the shirt? Wait for a reply from her? And if you don’t think that is a good play, how could I improve it. Thanks in advance!

    • Kevin January 23, 2014, 9:54 am

      IMO, your plan is kind of needy. Giving your ex a gift after a breakup is just needy. So she will take it as a sign of neediness. Trying to disguise it as her friends gift and later revealing it’s yours, is a sign that you expect her to reject your gift, which says you don’t have enough confidence in yourself.

      She is probably in a rebound. And the best course of action IMO is to just send her a letter wishing her well (not saying that you will always be there for her, which is again a little bit needy) and accepting the breakup. The less you say, the better it is for you because it will leave the rest to her imagination. The more she thinks about you and what you’re doing and what you’re feeling, the more she will miss you.

      • Tyler January 23, 2014, 4:40 pm

        I appreciate your honesty Kevin. So in writing this letter, how should I send it do you think? In the mail? On Facebook? Does it really matter? I can take out the “always be there for you” thing, because I think you’re right in that it sounds a bit needy. And I know you even mentioned this in the article, but I just don’t want her to forget about me. Reading your article has made me feel better about that though. So this letter, it should just wishing her well and hoping things are going well for her? I think I can do that. But then my only question then is, what do you think is the best way for her to get this letter? Thanks, Tyler.

        • Kevin January 24, 2014, 7:53 am

          Hey Tyler,

          I have a sample letter in the other article on how to get your ex girlfriend back. It doesn’t really matter how she gets the letter. What matters is what you write in the letter. So it’s completely up to you.

          • Tyler January 24, 2014, 7:58 pm

            Thanks again Kevin! So just so I have this straight, you think this is the best course of action:
            -No contact. It’s been over 2 weeks, I’m going to give it some more time, maybe another 2 weeks)
            -Write the letter and make sure she receives it, though how she receives it isn’t really that important.
            -If she contacts me within a few days, great. If not, give it a little more time and then send her a friendly text wishing her well and maybe mentioning something that reminds me of her. Keep this conversation short though.
            -Progress with more texts messages. How often do you think? Every couple days? Once a week?
            -Ask to meet up, or “catch up”. Now, she does have a boyfriend as of now. I don’t see it lasting that long, but if she does have a boyfriend still when this time comes, is it still appropriate to ask her to catch up?
            -Make the meet up casual, friendly, brief. Follow up with more meet ups later on.
            -Finally ask her to give it another shot? Again, if she has a boyfriend still, how would I go about this? Wait for them to split?

            Do you think that the letter and friendly text messages (emphasis on not sounding needy in both of these btw) will be enough to warrant her missing me and willing to give it another shot? Thanks again, you’ve been a great help thus far.

          • Kevin January 25, 2014, 9:57 am

            Yup.

            Text messages frequency depends on how she is responding. If her response is positive, keep it frequent. If not, give her some time after each text messages.

            Yes, it’s appropriate to ask her out even if she has a boyfriend. You are not asking for a date, so it shouldn’t matter. And if you are building up attraction, she’ll be thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend herself. Ideally, you want her to break up on her own. If she doesn’t and she is trying to put you in the friendzone, you go ahead and tell her you can’t be friends and if she wants to be with you she has to commit.

  • Jake January 25, 2014, 12:59 am

    Kevin, do you think my ex girlfriend and new boyfriend would last long? is she in a rebound relationship? She says they’re close friends and it is a fact that she had known him first. They enjoy doing great stuff together. Before, she would tell me things going on between them, like how sweet that guy is. But I told her to stop because even though we’re friends, she cant deny the fact that I had been her lover. So she stopped mentioning him to me.

    Yesterday, she suddenly texted me. She saw me pass by but I didnt see her. She said she was doing something then she saw me. She just observed me, then it hit her. I was definitely her type, how handsome I really am. I was struck reading her message. I just said thanks and i asked her if she likes me. She said I am her crush now. I am confused Kevin, what does she mean? Is there any attraction between us again? I asked her before if she still loves me, she said no. She could not bring back feelings that have already died.

    The problem I have with her is that she’s really good friends with her new guy and i cant seem to break the closeness that they have. Their friendship transformed into love when we broke up. And I think she really believes that they are meant to be. I’m not a bad guy Kevin, i’m not just as outgoing as the other guy. So how do I beat him? I want to be an interesting guy and explore a lot of things like him, but see, I’m studying medicine right now. I dont have the luxury of time to do things.

    • Kevin January 25, 2014, 10:01 am

      Hey Jake,

      You’ve a lot of things going for you. She is attracted to you and you have a bright future, which she is definitely considering in her decision. The other guy, is just providing her comfort which she needed after the breakup. So yeah, follow the plan. Apply NC. Don’t answer her texts until NC is over. You want her to feel that she might lose you forever. Start dating. It can be extremely effective in your case.

  • Dion January 25, 2014, 6:32 am

    Hey I just wanna say thanks you dude for actually taking the time to write this guide. Means a lot. Now my situation is a little more sticky. My and my ex were dating for 4 years. She’s 17 and Im 19 we just recently had a baby together in August. While she was pregnant I treated her like shit because she admitted to cheating on me and I flipped out. I took it out on her her whole pregnancy. But during the last month I realized what I was doing was wrong and I tried to do things that will make her happy like trying to take her out to dinner etc. She says she wants nothing to do with me and says that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. From August until December I would see little things that shows she misses like on Facebook she would post statuses saying things like “I still love you” and “you may not care too much bit I still care” . For 5 months I told her I was sorry and I wanted us to be a good family even though we are young. But Every time I try talking to her it seems like She’s annoyed or even angry. Now new Years came alone and by this time I wrote her a letter saying I’m sorry and I loved her and saying that maybe she can forgive me one day. She told Me she didn’t want to be in my life anymore. So again on facebook she posts “I only give you a hard time because I can’t go and pretend like nothing happened”. I don’t know how to take that. A few days later She’s dating some guy from school and this may not matter but this guy has nothing on me looks wise but She’s with him now. As the weeks go along I didn’t contact her and she made it seems like they were made for each other. She even went as far as saying “I love him now, cut the shit” how do I go about this. Could it be that she actually moved on after I tried to prove to her that I realized what i did and wanted to make things right or is she still angry. These mixed signals kill me. What should I do

    • Kevin January 25, 2014, 10:04 am

      She is playing with your feelings Dion. She is hurt and confused and it’s hard for her to deal with her feelings as well. You should give her some time and stop contact with her. That’s the only way she will be able to deal with her feelings and realize what she wants. Don’t worry about the other guy, I am pretty sure he’s a rebound (although, I can’t guarantee it).

      • Dion January 27, 2014, 7:21 pm

        I understand where you are coming from but it seems like if I break contact she will only get angry. I just want her to know how I feel about her, why would she still be so angry. She even went as far as saying she doesn’t love me anymore, I know that’s bullshit you don’t just stop loving someone you been with for 4 years and we have a child. I’m not being selfish but I feel that if I don’t try to fix this. How can I let her know how I feel and how sorry I am. I just want her back without looking desperate. This new guy She’s will is treating her like shit she would post things like “is that your plan with me ” and “men start such liars ” apparently she heard a rumor that he just wants her for sex. But either way do you think there is any truth to her saying that she still loves me. I know I need to give her time but I just don’t want her to be angry with me anymore but she Has to accept responsibility too, we have a child and if we don’t fix this out baby is ultimately going to suffer. I wrote her the other day saying that no matter what happen, there will be a part of me that will always be in love with her. She replied with “I know…” once I go no contact how to I go about things. I think she hasn’t dealt with her feelings and how can she do that if she has this guy treating her like dirt but She’s claiming she loves him and etc. I already wrote her a letter a little before Christmas. I just want to know how she feels. I know She’s still angry with me in some way do you think She’s trying to cope with her damaged send esteem by dating this guy but I know she know that I love her. What can I do so that she realizes that I’m truly sorry. Thank you for listening to me bro

        • Kevin January 28, 2014, 11:31 am

          Well, you already know how she feels. She feels angry. And anger is such a powerful emotion, it overshadows pretty much every other emotion a person has. Including love. Luckily, anger subsides with time and that’s when the true emotions emerge. I am sure you’ve already said everything you can think of to explain to her your side of the story. So, there’s literally nothing else you can do or say that will change her anger. The only thing that will change it is time. And the only way you can help her is by not contacting her. She will be able to understand her anger and her feelings for you much more efficiently if you don’t bother her. Unless you give her time to miss you, she won’t miss you.

          • Dion January 29, 2014, 3:29 am

            Well I very well understand where u coming from but here I don’t know what to make of this. On inatagram she posted a picture of her and her bf kissing saying that She’s finally happy now and happy 1 month anniversary. I said nothing to her since. But today I guess they got into an argument saying something about our son, he refuses to take care of him Which I don’t blame him but still he should not only be there for her. Then got into a fight, and she said something along the lines of “I.know that I love you but I have to say, I don’t wanna love you in any kind of way.” I haven’t spoke to her even since like 3 weeks ago. Is she really going to move on with this guy or do you think she is still in her honeymoon phase of her relationship. I don’t know what to make of it. Who is she talking about in her statuses and why does she keep playing these damn games. Im not even sure She’s aware of what She’s doing as of now. And I know this has nothing to do with it but do u think she will sleep with him.? I did exactly what th’s guide told me and I left her alone, could it be that she is truly conflicting where her love for me or is she actually trying her best to move on.? Help me understand Bro thanks

          • Kevin January 29, 2014, 3:19 pm

            Hey Dion,

            My guess is as good as yours Dion. I can just say she is confused with her emotions and this new guys is most probably a rebound. As for her sleeping with him, chances are she will. And you have to accept that. And you have to understand that since you two are broken up, she is not doing anything wrong. I know it’s a gut wrenching feeling, but you have to be mature about it and not react to it.

            Also, you shouldn’t be checking her facebook and instagram. One of the purpose of no contact is to give you some time with her out of your life. If you keep checking her social profiles, you are defeating the purpose of no contact.

          • Dion January 29, 2014, 4:06 pm

            I know I cannot stop her from sleeping with him.but my question is how will she get her emotions under control is She’s constantly on this guys nuts? I do Blythe check her Facebook of IG I just scroll through my timeline and just so happen to see it. I don’t really care at this point. I hate to say it kevin bit She pushing my limit. I know I have to give her time and I am, She’s just not being clear on how she feels and until she dumps this guy I don’t think she will especially if She’s sleeping with him after a month, dude it took me a year to do that. What exactly is a rebound relationship and why does it seem like they are perfect? Sometimes I think I should give up and leave her alone but my heart won’t let me.and needless to say I have a female that likes me as well. I know a lot of people told me not to move on but I’ve heard nothing gets to a woman faster than seeing me with another woman. Is this true? And if She’s still angry why doesn’t she confront me directly. Do you think it’s possible that she actually doesn’t love me anymore and having a child with her was a flunk? Do you think she misses me and thinks about me? and again why would she post things like that on her Facebook is she just fucking with me or is that her way of struggling to find out how she feels. I know I don’t wanna accept the fact that she left me for some jackass in high school but wrong been together for 4 years and were have a Child if She’s struggling to figure out how she feels Then her kissing and pretending to be happy is just a show? I know I’m asking too much but ur the only person I can turn to. Thanks again Kevin much love for the support dude

          • Kevin January 30, 2014, 4:52 pm

            A rebound relationship is a relationship that people use to fill the hole in their life that is left by a more meaningful, real relationship. It’s completely normal for a girl to sleep with a rebound much faster than she would with others. The reason is simple. She thinks that intimacy will fill the hole and remove the pain and confusion she is feeling. But it rarely works since the kind of intimacy she is looking for can only come from a long term, healthy relationship. Not a rebound.

            As I said earlier, she is immature. She is young, a mother and she just broke up. She doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions and her anger. I think we can safely assume she is missing you and she still loves you. But she is also hurt and she is confused. She doesn’t know what is good for her life.

            I know at one point, you feel like that you should just screw it and move on. And if you decide that, it’s completely justified. I know you feel a responsibility to make it work because of the child, but understand that you can still be in the child’s life and have a meaningful, healthy relationship with someone else. Get back with her only if you feel that you two can have a healthy relationship. IF you think you and her are not compatible enough to have a healthy relationship, it’ll be better (for the child and for you two) to be separate.

            Also, I always tell my readers to try the plan once. If it works great. If not, move on.

          • Dion January 30, 2014, 5:17 pm

            She just told Me She’s sorry for everything, I don’t want to lose her but I feel she’s too far gone.even if she is just saying these thing and doing things to get back at me. She posted a song called resentment by beyonce idk if u ever heard of it. But if u want listen to it and tell me what you think. She said she knows that I love and I was fighting for her but it can’t be fixed. Just leave it alone. I don’t know what to do I should at th’s very least give her what she wants and leave her alone. She wants to be happy with this other guy. I’m not sureally if that’s what she really wants but right blessed her mind is made up. So how long should I apply no contact. How long do you think it will take for this anger to subside? its like she still loves me and wants to be with me but too hurt and confused to realize it.these are just guesses I’m taking because if she really was done she would not even bother with me. What should I do besides no contact? How can I understand how she really feels.? They say that songs indicate how a woman really feels better than anything else. Why did she dedicate this song to me. Why doesn’t she just admit she still loves me instead of dragging this along and making it worse than it already. She knows how I feel. I wish I could just reach out to her and find out why she’s acting like this.

          • Kevin February 4, 2014, 5:51 pm

            I think the best course of action is to just let her be and don’t talk to her at all. I can’t say how long it will take, but I think she will eventually realize that the new guy is not going to make her happy. Besides no contact, you can just focus on yourself and become a better person. It’s always an advantage if you have something new going on in your life.

          • Dion February 7, 2014, 3:44 am

            So I understand what you say about no contact. I called her today and yet again we got into it about our relationship. All she kept saying were things like “I don’t care” “I moved on, you do the same” “I’m happy now I don’t love you ” I know you said that She’s angry and she doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions but the way she acts is almost like She’s glad that I’m gone. And again I tried apologizing I told her “I’m so sorry that I made you suffer I didn’t want us to be this way ” she told me that “I know that you love me and I know you did everything you could but you should give up and move on, there’s nothing for us anymore I’m happy with my new boyfriend ” I don’t know whether to believe her or not. She says that She’s over our relationship but when I ask her about forgiveness she says “I will be angry all I want and I will stop when i feel like it ” I told her that I love her still and things didn’t have to be this way and were could be a family still.. a happy one. She says “what you want me to hug you, say I’m sorry too and talk and kiss and work things out? No! We are over! Give up!” I get really frustrated and at this point I don’t even think no contact would do any help. How much anger does she have built up.? What do u think I should do kevin? do you honestly think She’s done. If I leave her alone what’s going to happen. She knows how I feel but yet she says she doesn’t care about me loving her or about me trying. Is she really over me that quick? Everything she says she wants me gone. She says she has nothing to gain or nothing time lose. That really hurt my feelings. Why is she saying these things. She says “I don’t care I’m over the situation. I don’t let it bring me down. I’ve mourned you for 4 months and now I’m over it. Being with you for 4 years means nothing. Your sorrys mean nothing. Just leave it be dion stop thinking about me worry about your son! ” can you please help me I told her I said “you think not caring will get u anywhere? what makes u think that u won’t do anything to the next guy being in a relationship won’t make u forgive me “I just don’t want her to be the one that got away Kevin. Please help me out

          • Kevin February 7, 2014, 5:04 pm

            Dion, it’s hard to say whether or not she still has feelings for you, but since she is still angry, I’d say she does. The best way to tackle it would be to tell her that you’ve accepted the breakup and you want to be friends with her. If you talk to her like you want to get back together, she’ll put her defences up. But if you tell her you’ve also accepted the breakup and you want to be friends, then she’ll be more open to spending time with you and give you an opportunity to build attraction again. Of course, you should apply no contact for a while before doing that.

          • Dion February 19, 2014, 7:45 pm

            Hey Kevin, so it’s been almost a month since I contacted her. I haven’t heard a word from her. Nothing I haven’t spoken to her either. Do you actually think She’s feeling anything from me going no contact. Why hasn’t she tried to contact me yet

          • Kevin February 20, 2014, 10:03 am

            It could be that she is still angry. Or maybe she is expecting you to contact her. I’ll recommend you wait another two weeks before contacting her. But it’s your call.

        • Dion February 12, 2014, 8:42 pm

          Well Kevin I did what you advised me to do and I applied no contact. I haven’t spoken to her or contacted her at all for the past 2 weeks and I have to say I’m feeling a little better. I still love her and all but I was thinking about what you said about rebound relationships. It’s not that I want to know but I can tell when someone is truly in love. I cannot stress this enough but now after a month of dating, She’s saying that she loved him and wants to be together forever. I know it’s a load of shit you don’t have to tell nd that. But now She’s saying that she loves him now, should I believe her. Like I said I do not talk to her I see these things on my timeline when I log into Facebook or twitter etc. She would say things like “I love him too much, I can’t do that to him” and “promise you will never leave me, I can be your wife and bestfriend ” Then the next minute she says something LIke “it’s my way or the highway ” or “I dated Satan once” I think the Satan part She’s referring to me. Anyways she doesn’t even call me about the baby anymore, the last time we talked we got into it and…well you know I already told you in my last post. What I want to know is does she really love this guy as much as she says or even love him at all? I know leaving her alone is the best remedy to heal her anger but she isn’t realizing that if it wasn’t for her cheating on me none of this would have never happened. She says she accepted the fact she cheated and now she moved on and she doesn’t want me back. As a relationship expert such as yourself how do you think she honestly feels about me. If she does still love me why would she push me so far away like this. I’ve been doing good you know handling school and doing things to keep me busy. But I can’t stop thinking about her, it’s not a constant thing but Every now and Then I wonder what wrong could have been and I wonder if what I did was enough. Like you said I did everything humanly possible to show her that I’m sorry and we would give us another shot.but it’s almost like She’s flaunting her new boyfriend in my face by saying she loves him more and she wants to be with him forever and always. She never said those things to me until our 3rd year of dating and she saying this stuff to this guy and the have been dating since early January. No contact has been doing me some good and now I’m starting to explore my options as well. As I said before I am a very good looking guy. But do you really think it’s going to end like this. With her moving on with my son and pretending I never existed in her life to begin with.? I do think about her sometimes and I do miss her but I stand my ground and I keep doing no contact. So far nothing has change except the fact they are basically saying they are perfect for each other and saying she loves him now and etc. Now we don’t talk at all,not even about our son it’s almost like she doesn’t care about me seeing him. Do you think it’s still possible to save this relationship? I know only time will tell but I miss her a lot. She’s acting like a carefree little bitch no offense and it’s driving me crazy. She told me the last time we talked she has nothing to lose and nothing to gain, She’s neutral with me. I should stop chasing her because it will get me nowhere. She loves him now and I should leave. Do you think she Meant what she said? and she does still love me deep down Then she can pull off one hell of an act. She treats me like I don’t exist, like 4 years and 5 months meant absolutely nothing to her. I know you can’t tell much about how she feels now but if you could try I would be grateful. And by the way I’m not just venting my feelings to someone so they can tell me what I Want to hear.I’m actually listening to what you say but she left me in a very confusing state and I don’t know if I should try to win her heart back or simply cut my losses and leave. My heart is literally torn between these two decisions. I don’t want to lose her but she doesn’t seem to give a damn about me leaving or not. Women are tricky I don’t know what to think of it. What should I do kevin and once again thank you bro you have helped me more than anyone ever could

          • Kevin February 14, 2014, 1:50 pm

            Hey Man,

            First of all kudos for sticking to no contact. As for her, I my opinion, she is still posting everything on her wall just for you to see. Was she putting this much personal statuses on facebook before the breakup? Or did it start after the breakup? If it started after the breakup, then you can be sure whatever she is posting is for you to see. And even if she is not, it could be that she is just trying to fool herself into thinking that she loves him. It’s easier than dealing with the anger and hurt that’s inside her. I have seen a lot of cases of women trying to overcompensate with their rebounds because they are hurt. I think she is still angry. 4 years and 5 months is a long time and she is definitely not going to get over you so soon.

          • Dion February 15, 2014, 1:42 am

            Well Yeah it all started after the breakup. She would post this crap about her being together forever and etc. Maybe she is fooling herself. And maybe so but I don’t know why but I feel like she’s cracking inside. I have an ask.fm account and someone anonymous kept asking me questions about her and my son. I do not know but whatever I’m doing just may be working. What do you think I should do. And Yeah no contact has been doing wonder and eventually I think she will talk to me again if not Then Hey there are other fish. Anyway someone anonymous asked Me very specific questions.. stuff only me and her know about. Do you think it’s her asking these things. I would upload a pic of the questions but I can’t post them here. Maybe she is still hurt and the more she tries to conceal it the more it comes out so maybe She’s showing more affection to him to makeup for her eemotional fragile state. If this keeps up what do u think She’s going to do if I continue to ignore her

          • Kevin February 18, 2014, 11:26 am

            She’ll eventually realize that the new relationship is not going to make her happy and she’ll break up. Or she’ll contact you and try to get a reaction out of you.

          • Dion February 21, 2014, 1:25 am

            So I have an update now apparently my ex and her talk about nothing but sex . I do not look I just see conversation on my timeline. I pay no mind to it though. Anyway after 3 weeks of no contact my ex sends me like 15 pictures of my son at once. I haven’t replied or anything what do u think it means? Why did she do that

          • Kevin March 3, 2014, 2:21 pm

            Hey Dion,

            I think it’s quite obvious that her relationship is a rebound and there is a good chance she is having those conversations just to mess with your head. I think she sent those pictures to get a reaction out of you. Perhaps, she wanted you to miss your son and call her.

          • Dion March 7, 2014, 5:29 am

            Well maybe so. Maybe the relationship is a rebound. Now how can you tell that it is a rebound like what are some of the symptoms? now it’s getting a little extreme, she posted a picture of her boyfriend holding my son. Now I doing know about you but I find that to be very disrespectful to me as a father. Then she posted a video of her boyfriend playing with our son. I haven’t spoken to her still. I’m still unsure about how she feels about me but I am following the nc. Her and her boyfriend always talk about sex and how much they love each other and etc. How much longer should I wait to call her,If I should call her at all after the shit she just pulled. Did she do it just to get a reaction out of me? Why does she go to such extremes just to get my attention when she’s just driving me further away. Does she really not care or is she trying her best to cope with her feelings and anger? What do you think. Kevin?

          • Kevin March 12, 2014, 8:29 pm

            Hey Dion,

            Yes, I think that’s disrespectful as well. And I think she did it just to get a reaction out of you. I don’t think she is trying to cope with her feelings and anger. I don’t think she knows how to cope with her anger. I have a feeling that she will just keep pulling off these stunts to try to get a reaction out of you until she exhausts herself or she pushes you away to the point you don’t care. She needs help to deal with her anger and I don’t think she is looking for help anywhere. She is just using the comfort that her new boyfriend is providing her to avoid facing her feelings.

            I think you should try to contact her in a week or two. If you plan to stay in your son’s life, you should make arrangements with her about seeing him. If you still want to win her back, start chatting with her, but not about getting back together. If possible, establish a friendship with her and spend time with her.

            Of course, all this will be in vain unless she actually deals with her anger and her issues. I was hoping that with time, she will start dealing with her anger and other issues and I still have some hope that it might happen. At this point, I think you are the one who should make the decision. You can either continue NC or contact her after a few weeks.

          • Dion March 12, 2014, 9:11 pm

            Yeah I kinda got that vibe as well, No woman is that stupid to flaunt something like that. To be honest it hurt my feelings bad but I keep it in check and I still didn’t contact her. U are right unless she either realizes Why she’s angry or gets rid of it none of this will have any effect. Now you know Why this situation is so complicated Kevin. She’s is unconsciously using her been boyfriend as a coping mechanism to avoid thinking about me. So in a way she is using him but she swears to God that she loves him to death and doesn’t love me anymore. And honestly if this doesn’t work then I really won’t care and I’ll just move on with my life for better or worse. She doesn’t care if I’m here for my son so Why should I. I still love her Kevin but I’m ready to give up. What do you mean by “exhaust herself ” ? If this little stunt doesn’t work do u think she will try to contact me. I think her Pride is keeping her from talking to me but I don’t know what the hell she was thinking by doing something like that but it just made me not care. Let’s say worst case scenario she does push me to the point Where I don’t care anymor what do u think she would do? If she isn’t trying to realize how she feels about me then how exactly does she feel.? She’s using her boyfriend as a shield to keep her from thinking about me. Is she really that angry that she has to go to such extremes just to get my attention I don’t get it. Even if I did react the way she wanted me to then what?! I am trying to understand her motives and being as I’m responsible for causing the pain maybe I’m the only one who can take it away. Maybr feelings are buried and I can only bring them out. I’m not sure but I’ll keep nc and see what happens. But how much longer do you think she’s gonna stay with this guy and how did she expect me to react to seeing that picture?

          • Kevin March 13, 2014, 7:01 pm

            I mean that she might just give up on trying to get a reaction out of you and just assume that you’ve moved on. Yes, I do think there’s a chance she will try to contact you. It’s quite obvious that she wants you to contact her. But I think the reason she wants you to contact her is because she wants to reject you again. Any type of reaction from you will make her feel better about herself. I think she expected you to get angry. OR at least get upset and call her.
            At this point, I really can’t say how long her new relationship will last.

          • Dion March 13, 2014, 7:48 pm

             my whole things is Why is she so focused on getting a reaction? Just to reject me and feel better about herself that makes No sense at all! and what does she really expect me to do, she doesn’t contact me, she disrespects me right in front of my face and when she does contact me it’s about money and honestly dude I got tired of that shit. Why doesn’t she cut the mind games and just talk to me. I have a feeling she still cares but then again I do not know. And Why can’t you say how long her relationship will last? What exactly does that mean, is that good or bad? What is she thinking now that she didn’t get the reaction out of me that she wanted so bad. I guess in a way she thought I was bluffing about leaving. But in your opinion how much longer do you think it will take for her to leave this guy, in order for her to realize her feelings they can’t be suppressed. She needs to realize that this new guy isn’t what he’s cracked up to be. Unless she realized anything everything I’m doing is absolutely pointless. But like I told you before she’s feeling something deep down, that’s Why she’s trying to get a reaction. Maybe it’s good maybe not but still she’s indirectly trying to talk to me. Remember I told you about ask.fm I got yet some more questions about me and her, and honestly I think it’s her who’s asking these questions. If it is her what does that mean? what type of approach should I take and should I tell her how I feel? This is a major pain to handle.

          • Kevin March 15, 2014, 12:31 pm

            Hey Dion,

            The reason I can’t say how long it will take is because it’s uncertain. From what you have told me, this new relationship definitely doesn’t have a long term potential. So, it will probably end soon. But putting a time frame on it is hard. It depends on how long it will take her to realize that she is using the relationship to escape from her feelings.

            Also, I don’t think everything you are doing is pointless. You are just using no contact and concentrating on your life. Even if you never get back with her, you will still be doing much better in your life than she would be doing. If you want, you can reply to ask.fm messages. I want you take a step back, and think about how long you are willing to wait? How long are you willing to spend thinking about her and not moving on? Give yourself a time frame, and if she doesn’t contact you by the end of that time frame, you contact her.

            If you contact her, you have two options.

            1. You can either ask her directly if she wants to stop playing these mind games and want to give it another shot.

            2. Or you can take the subtle approach and tell her you want to be friends and try to reignite her feelings for you.

            If things still don’t work out, you let it go and move on. You remove her from your life completely and leave her behind as a closed chapter in your life.

          • Dion March 15, 2014, 1:55 pm

            Yes I totally understand Where you are coming from. But from the way she’s making it sound, their relationship was better than mine ever was. Everything is Just so perfect and that makes my blood boil. And I have given myself space but as far as time I was with her for almost 1/4 of my life and we Have a child. To be honest I can’t really give myself a time frame in that. It’s been a month since No contact and since you can anonymously ask questions on ask.fm I think she’s the one asking me these questions. Either that or I’m crazy lol.but Yeah I know what u mean I can’t wait forever on her. But my whole deal is Why drag this shit on to begin with? What does she benefit from playing all these mind games? I have a number of reasons that I want her back but I think the most obvious reason is that I still love her. And if I was to just ask her if she wants to give it another shot, wouldn’t she absorb that into her ego and just reject me again? That’s another thing I don’t understand, if I’m nothing to her and she “doesn’t love me anymore ” Why is she playing these stupid mind games and more importantly Why does she feel so satisfied when she rejects me. I guess No matter how much you know them,No man can ever truly understand women. But if she is the one asking these questions on ask.fm what does that mean? And Yeah don’t get me wrong I have thought about contacting her, I think about her all the time but I just feel that everything is some twisted game to her. If she still does love me, it’s buried so deep that I don’t even know if exists anymore. If I do contact her I’ll just ask to be friends if that’s possible but I won’t be there for long, she’ll just flaunt her boyfriend and try to make me jealous. Another thing I don’t understand, if you don’t care for someone Why try to make me jealous? Why make it seem like he’s so much better than I am? but it’s been a month since nc I may stay on for a few more weeks give or take. If I could understand her feelings all of this could be a lot easier if not avoided all together. The longer we fight the less time we spend as a family and I’m just tired, but I think she actually likes me feeling miserable,like she’s getting some sort of sick revenge. But honestly I Still love her Kevin, my feelings haven’t changed, I just couldn’t keep torturing myself but sometimes I do wonder if she’ll ever take me back or even better, if I have the chance to take her back. And even if I am her “friend ” how can I ask her out on a date or something without making it obvious? I’m No relationship expert but here’s my theory, in reality I do believe she still loves me romantically. But one it’s being suppressed by her boyfriend. Of whom you said will not last Long but they swear to God that they will grow old together. That mixed with the fact she’s angry still and the most important one of all she wants me back but she feels I haven’t “suffered ” enough and the more her buried feelings come out the harder she has to try and suppress them. Maybe thats why she seems so cold and distant all the time when i say that i love her,to keep her from caving in .When she was single like I said she would say things like “I still love you” and “I wish we were a family” but now she has a boyfriend, a temporary comfort. Anyways tell me what you think about this theory of mine

          • Kevin March 17, 2014, 5:38 pm

            I think your theory is absolutely correct. You can ask her out for coffee casually. Let her know it’s just to catch up. If you established friendship before, it shouldn’t be a problem.

          • Dion Lattimore March 17, 2014, 7:21 pm

            Ask for coffee? u mean a casual date and what about everything else I put in that post. I don’t mean to pry but I asked some good questions and it would be a big help if you answered.

          • Kevin March 18, 2014, 7:35 pm

            Hey Dion,

            I think your theory itself answered most of your questions. I think you should stop concentrating so much on what’s going on in her mind and concentrate more on what you want to do. the more you try to understand her behavior and her thought process, the more confused and obsessed you’ll become. The fact is, you can never understand what’s truly going on in her mind, so why keep thinking about it. Your best guess about what she is feeling is as good as mine. She is hurt, confused and doesn’t know how to handle her anger. Heck, I am pretty sure even she doesn’t completely understand what’s going on in her mind. She is just following her raw emotions and her actions are a direct result of her anger and confusion.

          • Dion March 17, 2014, 7:24 pm

            What is she getting out of all this? how do you think she feels at this point? do you think she still thinks about me

          • Kevin March 18, 2014, 7:30 pm

            Well, my best guess is as good as yours. She is confused, angry and is using the new relationship to avoid her feelings. She is thinking about you. And all these little shenanigans is her way to get a reaction out of you. This way, she will know if you’ve moved on or are you still thinking about her. She doesn’t want you to move on because obviously she hasn’t moved on.

          • Dion March 17, 2014, 7:27 pm

            If I ask her out for coffee wouldn’t she just reject me? how do I go about about asking her?

          • Kevin March 18, 2014, 7:28 pm

            Let her know that you want to just catch up over coffee. If she rejects, just say something like “come on, it’s just coffee. It doesn’t mean anything.”

          • Dion March 18, 2014, 11:05 pm

            So besides working on myself all I can do is wait it out? she’s acting on raw emotion and what she’s feeling is her boyfriend and tricking herself into thinking she loves him. And believe I’m not obsessed I just need answers u know a lot if questions went unanswered. I’ve been itching to contacting her I don’t know if I should, what should I say you know. I’m afraid she will just reject me

          • Dion March 18, 2014, 11:12 pm

            So you think she still thinks about me? and her way of getting my attention. She hasn’t moved on but she’s pretending because I think she’s even trying to convince herself that she moved on. Maybe is the little ray of light that I was looking for. But I take it day by day. And being as though I didn’t give her the reaction she wanted what she gonna try now? And even if she does know whether I moved on I just think at this point it’s used to feed her ego.

          • Dion March 22, 2014, 3:56 am

            So I have an update Kevin. As much as I get my hopes up I feel that the last doors are closing. I decided to call her today and she didn’t wanna hear anything I said. She said she doesn’t care about me or what I do. She said that leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to her and she’s much happier not caring about me or caring in general. She says that she doesn’t need to acknowledge me and her new man will do everything that I didn’t. I simply told her this “No matter what you say, No matter how crazy things got between us it didn’t have to be this way. I’ll always want to be a family and on some level I still love you. I just wanted the opportunity to change things. To prove to you that I’m not the man u think I am. I messed up but I’ve learned from my mistake. I just Want us to be a family and if that’s not possible then I’m Okay with that. I lost the woman I love and we drifted apart because of some bullshit. If you think you will be better off without me then I’ll get it ” I said a lot more than that but that was the central idea. She just said that she doesn’t need me or want me. Whether I stay and provide or leave makes No difference to her I’m just a sperm donor. I’m nothing else. What would you do if u were in my situation Kevin? I love her so much but I feel like she really wants me gone. I don’t know anymore. She also said “even if I do give you what you want, I won’t be faithful. I’ll cheat on you because you are a piece of shit “you are just a sperm donor ” . It’s like I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t. I just told her it didn’t have to be like this. We could still be something and she just sounded annoyed and just wanted to get off the phone, other times she got mad and cursed me out. I know you said she doesn’t know how she feels but how do I get through to her Kevin. I’m honestly at a loss. Maybe i need to go nc for longer not just a month, maybe I need to see her in person. I don’t know. She said that she knows I’m trying but then she said this “in a way I feel bad for you because you care so much. I’m tired of you caring. You need to not care you should try it. I don’t give a fuck and I love the way I am “.Honestly kKevin do I still have a chance with her. Does she still love me? She really needs help and I’m trying to love and and convince her that I love the best way I can. So what do I do now? what do I make of everything she told me “

          • Kevin March 24, 2014, 4:55 pm

            At this point, I’ll recommend you just let her be. Don’t contact her until she breaks up with her boyfriend. In fact, I’ll suggest you move on. However, if you really want to pursue her still, you can try the subtle approach. Apply NC, and then contact her as a friend. Establish a false friendship with her. Tell her you have no interest in getting back together but you’ll like to be friends. Don’t force anything on her. And then continue in contact with her as a friend and build attraction. I explain more about this approach in this article.

          • Dion March 24, 2014, 6:59 pm

            So just leave her alone? until her boyfriend break up with her or vice versa. She’s not gonna stop disrespecting me so I should just let her be and let things play out. She didn’t act like this was until she got with him. Now she disrespect me saying she wants him to raise my son. I call bullshit on that but Yeah. She only dated him for two months

          • Kevin March 28, 2014, 6:34 pm

            I think that’s the best option. I’ll even suggest you start moving on and start dating someone else. If in the end she wants to come back to you, you can decide at that time if she is worth it.

          • Dion Lattimore November 24, 2014, 9:17 pm

            Hey kevin hows it going? got a lot of stuff to tell you with me and my ex. First off id like to say thanks for all your help and support had it not been for you id probably npt made it this far. So lately ive been texting her asking to see my son and that theres a reason im staying and putting up with her shit. Reason being that i still love her. She told mw that she “knows” that im trying and that i still love her but she cant be friends with me and that shes sorry. She also said that the reason she says all these hurtful things is because she doesnt want me to fix anything.her exact words were “you cant let go of the past so ima hurt your feelings”. Funny thing is she brings up the past more than i do . Saying things like of u bastard you hurt me before now im going to hurt you. There are times where she acts nonchalant and there are times when she blows up qnd goes off on me. Part of me believes she still loves me and ill explain why. We have met 3 times since i last posted. Each time we met she got more touchy with me and more personal. From being dormant and carefree to bragging about her bpyfriend and asking me about the last time i had sex and if i have a special woman in my life. Actually because of a accident i messed up my thumb. Last time we met she Touched my hand and examined my hand claiming that she was ” concerned for my well being” Sometimes i wonder if she thinks about me. Moreover i wonder if her boyfriend makes her so happy, then why does she do these things? i kept calm whenever her boyfriend was brought up and didnt really say much when she talked about him. I kinda blew it off. Whats more weird and she constantly compares me to him physically. Also she knows that what she is doing is wrong about taking pictures of her boyfriend holding my son. We also talked about that and she claims that she doesnt put “daddy” in any of the captions. So i told her that if you are over the past why do you bring it up all the time. Our past doesnt have to equal our future and once we both realize that then our relationship becomes fixable. I never told her that its just a thought of mine. So my question to you is why do you think shes doing all these things? i mean she always supressed her feelings but now she knows that i know that shes doing it. I even went out to eat with her at a restaurant (of course i paid for everything) and i guess she was trying to compliment me by saying things like “did you just get a haircut?”and yeah u arent ugly but im not attracted to you like that. I even made her laugh a bunch of times and she told me that im “the same old dion” i dont reqlly know what that meant. But i just went with the flow. The “date” went really well. I call it a dste because this is the first time she agreed to come out without giving me any shit. Once the date was over she said “we shoyld do this again sometime” . After that u walked her home and she asked if i looked at her instagram recently and she began to show me pics of her and such. During this time i was dying to know what was on her mind. Even though she may have not realized it but maybe even just for an instant, i believe that she realized that we could still be together and I really did change because i love her. Maybe im not sure but id like to go with that assunption. I dont really know why she was so affectionate in her own way. But i liked it and for the first time in over a year. We qctually got along and had fun doing it. But after that we were supposed to meet up to buy our son a dresser, she cancelled saying she had “plans” i asked her about it but then i just let it go. So do you think i made progress and if so what do you think is on her mind at this point? whyd she do and say all those things then go right back to the way she was? Do you think there is any truth to what i believe? what are your thoughts on the situation once again thanks kev.

          • Dion Lattimore January 1, 2015, 5:13 am

            Hey kevin hows it going? got a lot of stuff to tell you with me and my ex. First off id like to say thanks for all your help and support had it not been for you id probably npt made it this far. So lately ive been texting her asking to see my son and that theres a reason im staying and putting up with her shit. Reason being that i still love her. She told mw that she “knows” that im trying and that i still love her but she cant be friends with me and that shes sorry. She also said that the reason she says all these hurtful things is because she doesnt want me to fix anything.her exact words were “you cant let go of the past so ima hurt your feelings”. Funny thing is she brings up the past more than i do . Saying things like of u bastard you hurt me before now im going to hurt you. There are times where she acts nonchalant and there are times when she blows up qnd goes off on me. Part of me believes she still loves me and ill explain why. We have met 3 times since i last posted. Each time we met she got more touchy with me and more personal. From being dormant and carefree to bragging about her bpyfriend and asking me about the last time i had sex and if i have a special woman in my life. Actually because of a accident i messed up my thumb. Last time we met she Touched my hand and examined my hand claiming that she was ” concerned for my well being” Sometimes i wonder if she thinks about me. Moreover i wonder if her boyfriend makes her so happy, then why does she do these things? i kept calm whenever her boyfriend was brought up and didnt really say much when she talked about him. I kinda blew it off. Whats more weird and she constantly compares me to him physically. Also she knows that what she is doing is wrong about taking pictures of her boyfriend holding my son. We also talked about that and she claims that she doesnt put “daddy” in any of the captions. So i told her that if you are over the past why do you bring it up all the time. Our past doesnt have to equal our future and once we both realize that then our relationship becomes fixable. I never told her that its just a thought of mine. So my question to you is why do you think shes doing all these things? i mean she always supressed her feelings but now she knows that i know that shes doing it. I even went out to eat with her at a restaurant (of course i paid for everything) and i guess she was trying to compliment me by saying things like “did you just get a haircut?”and yeah u arent ugly but im not attracted to you like that. I even made her laugh a bunch of times and she told me that im “the same old dion” i dont reqlly know what that meant. But i just went with the flow. The “date” went really well. I call it a dste because this is the first time she agreed to come out without giving me any shit. Once the date was over she said “we shoyld do this again sometime” . After that u walked her home and she asked if i looked at her instagram recently and she began to show me pics of her and such. During this time i was dying to know what was on her mind. Even though she may have not realized it but maybe even just for an instant, i believe that she realized that we could still be together and I really did change because i love her. Maybe im not sure but id like to go with that assunption. I dont really know why she was so affectionate in her own way. But i liked it and for the first time in over a year. We qctually got along and had fun doing it. But after that we were supposed to meet up to buy our son a dresser, she cancelled saying she had “plans” i asked her about it but then i just let it go. So do you think i made progress and if so what do you think is on her mind at this point? whyd she do and say all those things then go right back to the way she was? Do you think there is any truth to what i believe? what are your thoughts on the situation once again thanks kev.

          • admin January 1, 2015, 5:02 pm

            Yes, you made progress. She is slowly warming up to the idea of getting back together. You should take things slowly and just keep improving in your life while trying to increase attraction with her. Do not push her to get back together. Let it be her idea.

        • Dion March 29, 2014, 12:36 am

          How long do you think I should leave her alone for

          • Kevin March 31, 2014, 7:45 pm

            At least two to three months. Ideally, till she contacts you directly.

          • Dion Lattimore January 5, 2015, 11:28 pm

            Well how exactly do i do that? I have a lot to tell you well first to start off remembet what i told you about ask.fm where people can ask u anon questions. I recently got some strange questions. Someon told me that shakira boyfriend didnt want to be with her anymore but she cried her way back into the timed relationship. Another question was “why dont you tell shakira how you truly feel? Do i have to screenshot it for her?” honestly i may be wrog but i think its her saying these things if thats the case what does it mean. I also learned that she switches up one minute shes warming up to me the next she tells me she wants her boyfriend to be there for her son and her. Now apparently he got her a promise ring which doesnt make any sense. If he didnt want to be with her why would he get a promise ring? could it be that shes forcing him or something .well anyway i havent spoke to her in a while bc i dont lnow what to say. Should i wait until shes broken up to tell her how i feel. Maybr she was angry before thats why she didnt want to hear anything i said to her but like i said before now we talk about our relationship. Anyways the last time i saw her we got into a fight because i told her it wasnt fair that shes treating me like that. I got mad and i told her basically im the only one trying to save us and our family and i wasnt doing it by myself anymore. I basically blacked out on her but i didnt put my hands on her. I was just so frustrated kevin you of all people know what im going through and i been doing it for over a year and ive been holding it in and it just came out that night. She hit me up on kik saying that she was sorry and that i didnt have to try to be there if i didnt want to. She also knows how i feel she said it herself but my question is why is all these things happening. And if its true that he doesnt want to be with her then what is she thinking. If it is her asking those anon questions could it be thqt she realized that she still loves me but has too much pride to say it? I just get so confused her actions but id say she definitely changed if she was truly done with me she would not do all these things . What are your thoughts man i need your advice with this man

      • Dion January 27, 2014, 7:29 pm

        And to my defense She’s only been dating him for roughly about 2 weeks. Love doesn’t form that quick. Plus like I said we were together for 4 years. Love doesn’t die like that. So I’m pretty sure he is a rebound but u are probably right

      • Dion March 29, 2014, 2:13 am

        What even makes you think she will come back?

        • Kevin March 31, 2014, 7:52 pm

          Before I say anything, you should know that it’s only my guess and don’t let this false hope keep you hanging by a thread. Everything you said about her actions makes it look like her new relationship is a rebound. And that she is definitely not over you and is using the new guy to escape her real feelings. In my experience, rebound relationships end. And when they end, the girl usually starts thinking about getting back together with her ex. Now, in many cases, they want to move on after the rebound is over. And there is a chance that she might never come back. This is the reason I told you to start moving on as well. Instead of asking how long you should wait for her, ask yourself how long are you willing to wait for her? You have a life of your own and you can’t waste it waiting for someone who is not willing to face her real emotions and is using a rebound to make herself feel better.

          • Dion May 11, 2014, 4:51 am

            Hey whats up kevin? its been a while since i replied to your post. just wanna let you know everything is going fine with me. i got a new job, dropped a few pounds and im going to school for my EMT certificate. But i have to ask you something, Shakira(my ex) nephew bumped into me yesterday and told me my son has only 2 pairs of shoes. So i felt bad and got him clothes, she told me this

            Shakira: “well thank you, he does need other stuff like diapers and formula, but u can get it only if you want to
            Me: “well why are you telling me this?”
            Shakira: because you are his flesh and blood”
            Me: Not according to you he isnt, if he needed this stuff badly as you say he does, you would have told me.
            Shakira: well im telling you now that ne needs this stuff
            Me: What happened to letting your boyfriend take care of my son, why do you say all this shit after two months of me not contacting you?

            wel talked for a bit and she claims that shes able to get my son his stuf on his own because she is on her own “hustle”. I dont call relying on your parents a hustle. Since then i actually talked to her boyfriend over facebook. because of the talk i posted above, i guess he found about it and we had a serious talk. i basically told him that if he isnt willing to take care of my son he needs to stay the hell away from him. i did not disrespect him or get out of line. He said something along the lines of this :

            Amid Addison
            No matter What she did there is no excuse for doing that to a child And you right you do what you do as a man but not as a father. You know how she is it’s her way only but i plan on being with her for the rest of my life so that means on being a father to savion And my child so take it how you want but I’m not going anywhere so

            5/2, 12:55pm
            Dion Lattimore
            as far as her “easing up” before you even came into the picture, i bought that kid litteraly everything he needed, he always had fresh j’s on i gave her everything and then some. she never appreciated anything i did. it was like i was wasting my time. to her its not about savion having a father, its about who has money. and those are very bold words my friend, you don’t have to like me amid, but speaking man to man if you going to be with her for the rest of ur life u need to get ur shit together real quick and saddle up for the long run.

            If you can take a picture with him like u gonna own up then I expect u to . Of course it bothers me but I can’t do shit about it , shakira hates my guts . She would rather have u take care of him than me . So ima drop back and see how this plays out
            Amid Addison
            5/2, 10:32am
            Amid Addison
            Well she had her reasons she wasn’t right for it but aye shit happens and Yea she doesn’t and of course He does I plan on being that and you right it’s not but only problem I have is supporting him financially. I change his diapers, I bathe him, and play with him so trust me all you should be worried about is me financially but I have about three interviews coming up so I plan on solving that soon
            Dion Lattimore
            5/2, 10:36am
            Dion Lattimore
            It wasn’t just right it was fucked up . She did me dirty bro idk if u know the whole story but if I did u would understand why I am the way I am . I been with the damn girl for 5 years I know what to expect from her. Ur able to do all of those things because I’m not there to do it . And even during all the bullshit I still stayed and did my job not knowing if he’s mine or not . But this isn’t about me , if you get a job you may need to get two to be able to support him financially unless u gonna blow ur whole paycheck on him
            Dion Lattimore
            5/2, 10:47am
            Dion Lattimore
            she doesn’t care if im there, she doesn’t care if I take care of him. she wants you to do that. so as of right now shes depending on you to be there for her, not me. I told her that baby will not have two fathers its either gonna be me or you. you guys need to talk that out but I wont be used for my money. she either accepts me as a father completely or doesn’t accept me at all
            Amid Addison
            5/2, 10:54am
            Amid Addison
            Yea it was but you fucked and didn’t sign that certificate you didn’t choose to just get a test you both made mistakes but forget about yah it’s over it’s only about savion and bruh all you gotta do is help her out here and there like I plan to do and she’ll give you the time you want with your son that simple.

            Your child?
            U said being a father to savion and your child ?
            Amid Addison
            5/2, 1:40pm
            Amid Addison
            Yea I know I’m going
            Dion Lattimore
            5/2, 1:41pm
            Dion Lattimore
            U got her pregnant?
            Amid Addison
            5/2, 1:47pm
            Amid Addison
            To Rutgers on a scholarship And working while okay they’re sending money to them
            And yea she pregnant
            Dion Lattimore
            5/2, 1:47pm
            Dion Lattimore
            That’s not something to joke about man .
            Amid Addison
            5/2, 1:49pm
            Amid Addison
            Not a joke we gonna go check today
            Dion Lattimore
            5/2, 1:52pm
            Dion Lattimore
            Bro are u stupid ? You see what she already goes through with one kid and ur gonna bring another one into this world
            She’s not even stable with savion
            Imagine the stress Shes in right now
            Does her parents know anything?
            Amid Addison
            5/2, 1:58pm
            Amid Addison
            Dion Lattimore
            5/2, 1:59pm
            Dion Lattimore
            Her parents know ?
            Amid Addison
            5/2, 2:01pm
            Amid Addison
            She not pregnant but you see how quick you caught interest? How much concerned you had?

            thats the kids name, i copied and pasted parts of the convo so idk what to think of all this i just think she has way too much pride. i dont know kevin but im doing good with my life, also tomorrow is mothers day should i talk to her? should i buy my son things knowing she using him and having him spend time. i mean i never had actual proof to what i was telling you but now you can see it for yourself.? what should i do kevin? should i tell her how i feel, or should i wait until they break up? Help me out man thanks

          • Kevin May 15, 2014, 5:17 pm

            Hey Dion,

            Sorry for the late reply. As I expected, her boyfriend is also quite immature and so is she. If you want to be a part of your sons life, you should speak to a lawyer and see to what extent you can contribute. And what legal responsibilities you have and what rights would you have if you decide to be a part. I will recommend that you don’t buy her anything unless you speak to a lawyer.

          • Dion Lattimore September 4, 2014, 5:51 am

            Hey whats up kevin its been q long time since i went on this site. I been meaning to talk to you for a while. Its about my ex shakira and idk why its happening. My sons first bday just passed and i did not go. The reason was that she had the nerve to bring her boyfriend and me going wasnt gonna stop her from bringing him. So i guess she really did have the balls to have another guy cut his cake. I spoke to her about 3 weeks ago and thibgs havent changed at all. She still hates me and now apparently they are getting married when she graduates high school. I told her i was happy for her even though deep down i felt like shit. Ever since that i been thinking about her . Thinking about my son . Thinking of ways i could have changed the situation. I told her that evwn after all this mess i still consider her a friend and i still loved her romantically. She told me the reason she doesnt contact me anymore is because she moved on to better things like getting married etc. Should i try to talk to her or should i just leave her alone? like i love myson to death and i would give anything to be a part of his life. Like kevin does this shit not bother her that her son doesnt know his father ? how do you think she feels bringing her boyfriend around him and he still doesnt have a job or is taking care of him .i try to comprimise with her but i just get the usual when you have money then you can see him speech. Disregarding everything else, i can honestly say that i still love her and i just want her to know that i fucked up. I tried doing that before but it didnt get ne anywhere. Like kevin how do you think she feels at this stage about me ? its been almost the entire summer we havebt spoken. Do you think she thinks about me not only as a lover but as a father? does this not bother her that this wanna be is trying to be her sons father. She not only allows it she encourages it . I just wish there was a way to understand how she feels maybe then i could do sonething about it u know. Do you think she really wants to marry this kid? like is she really okay with the way rhings are going ? why after all this time she still acts like she doesnt care? oh and another situation i was on a date with ny friend we just ran to mcdonalds (her choice not mine) tp get food and i saw them at the counter ordering food and i guess her boyfriend spotted me. They wispered to each other so i decided to leave and my ex saw me hugging my friend. She was across the street fron us and my ex glared at my friend like a pit bull ready to attack. It confused the heck out of me. Especially if she was with her man. So what does that mean, do you think she still loves me? why is she acting like shes carefree and what can i do to make her realize. Iknow you said dont contact her until she breaks up with him and i know he has a huge part in why shes acting like she doesnt care. But anyways idk what to make of all this . If you fould answer each question it would be a great help i know its a lot but i do listen to the advice u give me. Thanks again kevin for helping me out

          • Kevin September 4, 2014, 3:16 pm

            Hey Dion,

            I think she is immature and she might even go through with the marriage out of spite. Unfortunately, if you try to stop her, she will only want to do it more. I think she still has feelings for you. Perhaps, the only way to get to her is to be with some other girl and start a new relationship and flaunt it in her face like she is doing to you. But Dion, do you really want someone so immature and selfish and rude? Don’t you think you are better off without her. I know you still want to be with your son, but have you thought about what would happen if you do get her back? Maybe things will get even worse? I know you blame yourself for whatever happened in the relationship, but trust me, it wasn’t all your fault. And even if it was, you tried a lot to amend your mistakes. And you should forgive yourself now and move on.

          • Dion Lattimore September 4, 2014, 4:01 pm

            Do you really think shes that stupid tp marry him just to prove a point to me. What nakes you think she still cares and she may be immature rude and a complete bitch but nonetheless i had my child with her but also i believe people can change.i believe i can still get through to her but i dont know how. What can i say to get her to open up communication or just start small you know. I dont want to give up on her. I dont want her to marry someonw sjes going to end up regretting. I know that isnt my decision but still its worth a try

          • Kevin September 8, 2014, 5:13 pm

            Dion,

            You have a few options.

            1. Try to approach her as a friend. Tell her you just want her in your life as a friend. You think breakup was a good decision and you respect her wishes but you would like to have her in your life as a friend. Then slowly ask her to spend more time with you.

            2. Sink down to her level. Start dating someone and getting serious with someone and flaunt it in front of her. Jealousy might work for you.

            3. Wait more in hopes that she will come to her senses and end the relationship.

          • Dion Lattimore September 15, 2014, 12:29 am

            Hey whats up kevin. Big news so i finally made the big leap and i contacted her and she agreed to let me see him. I went over today and things were okay i finally saw my son. We started talking about things and we openly talked about our relationship. She says that she and her boyfriend talk about our past relationship and she tells him that she realized that she deserved everything that happened which is a very grown up thibg to do on her part.however she said whenever she thinks of me she can do just fine with or without me in the babys life. then i asked her why and she replied “after what you did at the hospital i dont look at you as a father anymore ” we talked for a couple hours about our son sometimes about ourselves. I lost weight and i am in great shape she said i looked like a crackhead i was like wtf. She asked me questions like “oh so do you have a six pack” and “do you have anyone who makes you happy in your life “romantically? we talked for a little more abd she was saying how her boyfriend does all these things for our son the only thing he doesnt do is financial stuff. The thing is when i asked her how she felt she told me “i dont hate you or wish death upon you. If i do hate you its very deep down and its covered by a beautiful feeling called nothing” i dont know how to answer that or how to think of these questions she asks me. I told her that one day i would hope we cqn put this behind us the bullshit started with us it could have ended with us. To be honest i was okay but out of nowhere i couldnt stop thinking about her. I dont know why. Then to top it off i had a dream about her. I was holding her in my arms and we had sex and she was still with her boyfriend. Am i crazy or is it something else. She may have been rude and bitchy before but she seems to have grown up a bit as she admitted she deserved everyrhing she went through. Still i told her that we could start over or something someday. And i also told her i was a bit disappointed she put her faith in her boyfriend instead of me. The whole time we didnt fight we just talked had a few laughs. Still i dont know whats come over me i cant explain it but something tells me that things will get better between us. I also told her that all the stuff she was doing after our son was born i told her i understood it. I cant even imagine how hurt and betrayed she must have felt but its in the past. So in the case do you think she still thinks about me romantically? Is she really as happy with this guy as she says she is. Why does she constantly look at my appearance looking at my muscles and apparel but then says i look like a crackhead which i found funny .she also said that even though she deserved all that stuff she thanks me for doing it to her and because of it she found true happiness. She found someone who truly loves her and her son . I didnt know what to say so i told her i wished her the best. She then asked me if i had someone special in my life . I changed the subject but still whyd did she ask me. Well its still hard to say if she really loves this guy after going through what she went through but still. If she deserved to be treated like that why would she thank me. I know i sound like a broken record but do you think theres a chance we can possibly rekindle things. If so how should i go about telling her i feel? do you think she feels anythibg for me and if so how? thanks kevin

          • Kevin September 16, 2014, 4:44 pm

            Hey Dion,

            It’s good to hear that she is more mature. I think you should stay in touch with her while at the same time living your life (and I mean dating other girls and improving yourself). Keep contacting her every week and try to increase the frequency of calls. When she asks about your romantic life, don’t change the subject. If you are dating someone, let her know. Jealousy can work in your favor.

          • Dion Lattimore September 16, 2014, 5:28 pm

            Well okay other than that why do you think she asked me all those personal questions? and ywt she still tried to flaunt her man in front of me saying hes 6’2 and weighs 280 etc but i wanted to know why shes asking me questions about my body and my love life and even if i was to make her jealous i have no idea how she would take it. Plus i would have to make it as indirect as possible. How do you think i should go about this?

          • Kevin September 17, 2014, 1:36 pm

            She was probably curious about you and perhaps a part of her doesn’t want you to love someone else. Perhaps she is not completely over you.

            Once you are in constant contact with each other and texting each other often, you can send her this text which implies you are dating.

            “Hey, I saw (romantic movie name) with a friend yesterday. You should see it. It’s pretty good.”

          • Dion Lattimore September 17, 2014, 5:43 pm

            yes i understand that but you are forgetting that she has a bf. Is she trying ti make me jealous? have u ever heard of anither situation like this before? I know i should be her friend and all but how do i establish contact with her without naking it akward

          • Kevin September 18, 2014, 12:04 pm

            Hey Dion,

            I’ve heard of situations where girls with boyfriends keep in touch with their ex and try to make them jealous constantly. You have to start things light and advance slowly. Start with texting her something every 3-4 days. Something that reminded you of her. Or ask her advice on something. Stuff like that. If she is cold or doesn’t reply, then wait two weeks before texting her again. Slowly increase frequency and length of text messages. Then ask her to meet as friends.

  • liam January 25, 2014, 12:06 pm

    It’s just is there anything else at all that I can try to get her to come back? It’s just so hard to move on and was hoping there might be something I can do to help reverse the damage I have done?

    • liam January 25, 2014, 4:59 pm

      Also she seemed to make it pretty clear on the phone that she has no feelings for me at all but the night before that she must have been looking at my Facebook on her old profile so why the hell would it matter enough to her to actually check my Facebook? Could there be another reason for acting that way if she doesn’t have feelings for me?
      You mentioned before that she wants to do better than me. I guess that makes sense seeing as she took it as bragging when I told her what I had been up to and also said that she probably wasn’t the best person to tell about what I’m doing now. Also my skydive is only a few weeks away now and whenever I mentioned it to her she just kind of brushed over it with a “yeah good luck with that” but then seemed very keen to tell me her plans with her boyfriend and things. She’s always been a bad loser so maybe trying to stop meeting me could have been a defence so she doesn’t see that I’m doing well and new and exciting things. The only problem is is that she’s with a guy now who is doing all the things she wanted to do before and who is showing her attention. She told me straight up that she doesn’t want me but could she just be lying to me and herself in order to try and beat me at this game. Please is there anything else I can do now? I’m so frustrated that I let my intentions known so soon!

      • Kevin January 26, 2014, 5:05 pm

        Liam, if you notice, you are again going back to the same pattern of obsessive thoughts as you were in before. What is she thinking? What did she mean by this? Will her relationship last longer? Why did she say that? Does she still have feelings for me? And so on. And just like last time, these obsessive thoughts and questions are going to do you no good. In fact, you are just going to go round and round into this obsessive pattern unless you make an embarrassing mistake.

        You said that moving on is harder and if there’s any hope of getting back together. The answer to that is a catch-22. At this point, the only way to have any chances of getting back together is to only move on. The only way to beat her at her game is to not play it. She is manipulative, and everytime you talk to her or have any sort of contact with her, you are going to get dragged back into these obsessive thoughts. And as long as your mind is filled with thoughts about her, you won’t have any time to move on. And as long as you don’t move on, you won’t have any chances of getting back together.

        • liam January 26, 2014, 6:33 pm

          You’re completely right Kevin. Thank you for your honesty. I just get up and down times quite often. Like right now I feel quite positive. It’s funny because do many people say the same things about her: she’s been manipulative, cruel and selfish and you’ve said the same and you haven’t even met her! I just don’t understand then why I still love her. I think I’m just holding on to all the good times we spent together and hate the fact she turned into an ugly person with me. She even said herself before that she started to hate the person she is when she’s with me as she was horrible to me (out of frustration for me not wanting to do anything and taking control)
          Over the phone aswell she said that she is glad I’ve made changes but I’m still the same person so things wouldn’t work which doesn’t make sense to me. Your advice now is to just move on and see if she makes a move?
          I have been texting a couple of new girls now but again I feel that the only reason I am interested in them is because they’re available. I can’t really seem to find anyone like my ex who I’d actually want to date. But at the same time it does make me wonder if that’s what my ex has done and just gone off with the first guy to come her way. As I went off with the first girl who came my way before and that didn’t end well so now I’m able to recognise that. I’m just hoping the same thing happens with their relationship too. But she was very keen to rub in that she’s going to get her new boyfriend to move to new zealand with her next year. Other people have said she is just playing games and that is why she didn’t want to hear about the skydive as that is more exciting than what she’s doing right now and doesn’t like to be bested. I’m going to carry on doing the things I want to do. I can only hope now that she starts to regret her decision (as she hinted what might happen if she started to meet with me in one of her emails)

  • Benjamin January 25, 2014, 1:02 pm

    Hey Kevin. Ive totally messed up. I went out drinking last night with a few friends. After a while all I could think about was her and how much I wanted to see her. I text her all night making excuses to see her but she did not reply. The I found myself sitting outside her house (Creepy I know) begging her to talk to me. Have I totally ruined my chances at getting her back now. I’ve also heard she’s been telling her friends that im too quiet and boring for her. Does this have any impact on my chances either? Thanks

    • Kevin January 26, 2014, 4:59 pm

      Well, it did impact your chances. The best thing you can do is start no contact all over again. Right from day 1. And when you go out drinking, leave your phone behind.

      • Benjamin January 26, 2014, 7:26 pm

        Right I’ll take that advice thanks! One more thing, about the whole me being too boring and quiet part. Do you think there’s sometime I can do about that? To prove to her that I’ve changed. Obviously keeping NC of course. Thanks 🙂

        • Benjamin January 26, 2014, 7:34 pm

          Sorry I forgot to mention this one thing. While I was at work today she text me saying. “Ive blocked your number and listed your texts a spam. I’ll only get your messages if my spam folder is full which is the case right now. Please block my phone too and leave me alone”

          But the thing is that I haven’t contacted her for almost 2 days. That text was totally out of the blue. I ddon’t get why she would tell me she’s blocked my phone if I haven’t Contacted her for 2 days. What do you think?

          • Kevin January 27, 2014, 11:41 am

            That’s kind of funny. I guess she is just hoping to get a reaction out of you. Don’t give her one. I have a feeling she’ll be constantly checking her spam folder for your emails.

        • Kevin January 27, 2014, 11:42 am

          Well, go out and do some fun things. Start searching for fun things to do and you’ll find tons of them. She will find out somehow and will rethink her decision to breakup.

          • Benjamin January 27, 2014, 2:35 pm

            I totally ignored her message. Read it once and deleted it. Im continuing NC untill at least 30 days are up! Thanks for all your help Kevin. I’ll keep you updated 🙂

  • Jake January 25, 2014, 8:33 pm

    thanks Kevin! I’ll apply NC and i’ll let you know what happens. I hope that would work on her. By the way, she is also studying medicine but I am a year ahead of her, I am near internship. We see each other all of the time in school so it’s a bit challenging for me to apply NC. Can it be LIMITED CONTACT? Because I tried NC before for about a week, it nearly drove her insane! She kept following me around in school, asking my friends where I was or frequently “bumps into me”. Sheesh! I tried changing my number too, but the minute she found out, it made her really mad saying that I was rude. But still, she forgave me for everything and maintained friendship with me. She says she really wants to be friends with me, to be close friends.

    I am friends with her siblings too unlike the other guy. She even said she’d introduce me to her parents ( that was after the break up and we’re just friends) Earlier today, their pictures on her facebook wall where they look like they’re having fun in a party were all over. Damn! I think she’s intentionally doing it for me to see. I really hate it because she is sooo immature. She tells me to move on and forget everything we had and just make it pure friendship with her, but she gets jealous all the time when I tell her about girls that I like or when she finds out about girls who has crush on me. LOL.

    By the way Kevin, I was thinking about asking her out on a date. So how can I ask her casually about it? Everytime i ask her to grab a lunch, she would agree then minutes later she would cancel it. It’s always like that. She says she thinks she doesnt wanna go out with me because I might fall even harder on her. But I want to spend time with her, and let her see how amazing I really am.

    • Kevin January 26, 2014, 5:19 pm

      In your case Jake, I really think it needs to full No Contact. See, by letting her contact you, you are letting her feel like she still has you. She needs to understand that she doesn’t control your life and you are not going to tolerate her immature behavior.

      • Jake January 27, 2014, 10:45 pm

        I think everything’s going pretty well Kevin. I saw her yesterday, i was in a situation where it was inevitable to not say hi to her. So we chatted for awhile, then I left. She mentioned to me that the girl i had a crush on already has a boyfriend. I cant help but smile because she really made an effort to look that girl up. After parting ways with her, she texted me immediately that it was nice talking to me again, and that she is literally smiling right now because of me. I think she missed me a lot because I was in NC to her for a few days.

        I really think she’s attracted to me again, but how can I make her come back to me? I mean, how can I make her commit to me again? Although she still loves me, maybe she’s still scared to be in a relationship with me because of what happened to us.

        • Kevin January 28, 2014, 11:26 am

          Carry on with the no contact. I hope you didn’t reply to the message. Yes, she is attracted to you. But I don’t think she is yet in a position to fully commit to you. Follow no contact, then contact her again. Go on a few dates. Then ask her to commit and make it clear that you can not be her friend.

  • Sami January 26, 2014, 1:22 am

    hi Kevin! me and my girlfriend were together for about 1 and a half year. we loved each other a lot. i still love her a lot. she broke up with me about 10 days ago. she told me that she thinks i am very childish and i am not mature enough to be in a relationship. one more thing is that two months ago i had to go back to my home country, because my dad’s company transfer him back to back home. i never wanted to go back and i told her that i really don’t wanna leave Canada. so on October 29 i left Canada. we talked sometimes. but we couldn’t talk soo much. i told her i would come back if i could find a place in Canada to stay. she was in depression like for a month after i left. she was crying everyday. she was missing me soo much. she was going to school like once in a week. her condition was very bad. and mines was also very bad. So on january 14 2014 i came back cuz i could live with my dads friend. before coming she said she broke up with me cuz she siad that she doesnt love me and she doesnt see any chance of me coming back. so she broke up with me. so i fianlly arrived in canada. the same day i went to her house to meet with her. she started to cry when she saw me. she gave me hug but she didnt kiss me.. i was soo happy to see her after 2 and a half month. but after she took me in her room. and we talked and laugh. and she was happy to see me. next days we finally kissed and had really good sex after 2 months. i thouht everything is back to normal. but i was mistaken. after 1 day i saw she is behaving very different. she wont come kiss me like before. or gave me a hug. so i asked her that whats wrong. first she changed the topic. and i had to go home so i left. but after she gave me call and call me over to her house. and she told me that she doesnt love me anymore and she doesnt have any feelings left for me anymore. she said she got over me. she said that these two months without me was terrible. but now i dont have feelings for u. i was broken hearted. after i asked her that if u dont love me anymore then why did we had sex yesterday and why were we kissing and why did we got back together. and she replied that sami i thought that i still have feelings for u and i still love u but it is not right. i thought if i will be with u then i will know if u still love u or not. she also said that she had sex with me cuz she feels save with me and she stills trust me with anything. after i force her to tell me that if she likes someone else. first she didnt tell me anything but after she said yes i do like someone. i met him in the party like 2 days ago. and she said that he can understand me and he can think like a grown up. i left the house cuz i was broken and i was crying also. she said sami, dont do anything to your self but we cant continue this relationship. the guy she likes is 10 years older then my ex. i talked to her once after that. and then i read your article and i am following your no contact rule. but i dont think she misses me. it is like 3 days ago since i talked to her. she saw me near the school and she came right to me cuz she wanted to talk. i didnt show her that i am jealous or anger or sadness, she also said that they are getting to know each other and so far he is doing good and making her happy, i told her that dont take about your new boyfriend to me. we didnt talk alot. and after that i didnt talk to her. i am ignoring her. but i dont think it is working. cuz i didnt even got one text from her. no calls. nothing. i dont know what should i do. please tell me what should i do next. i am missing her alot and i really need her back. she was the most important part of my life. please help me and tell me what should i do.

    • Kevin January 26, 2014, 5:25 pm

      Follow the plan Sami. Stay No Contact for a while and then contact her.

      • Sami January 26, 2014, 6:00 pm

        okay. but do u think i still have a chance with her? she is my friend on facebook. should i unfriend her or block her? i really want she talkes to me and ask me why am i ignoring her. today is the 4th day i am ignoring her. how long should i continue the no contact. and what to say after the no contact period. And if she text me or calles me between the no contact period then what should i say.

        • Kevin January 27, 2014, 11:47 am

          Hey Sami. No contact for 30 days. If she calls you, ignore her calls. If she continues to call you, let her know that you need your space and time for now and you’ll appreciate it if she doesn’t contact you for a while. As for facebook, if you are constantly checking her facebook, then yes unfriend her. You need to use this no contact period to concentrate on yourself and stop obsessing about her. If you can be friends with her on facebook and not obsess about her statuses and comments, then do so. If not, unfriend her and if need be block her.

          • Sami January 27, 2014, 6:44 pm

            hi Kevin! yesterday she messaged me saying “hi. how are you? 🙂 ” i replied good and then she asked ” how is life” i replied wonderful. then she said ” Sami if u need help u can always call me to write to me” i didnt reply anything. after a bit i was like “i am busy watching a movie. take care bye 🙂 ” then she replied “okay but if u really need my help then write to me anytime. take care bye 🙂 ” and after that i didnt reply back. do u know what this messages means? this was all on facebook. what should i do now?

          • Kevin January 28, 2014, 11:33 am

            Hey Sami,

            I’d recommend next time she messages you, you don’t reply. That message was just meant to make her feel better about dumping you. She also wanted to see how you are doing. A lot of people do this when they feel guilty after a breakup.

  • Tyler January 26, 2014, 5:32 am

    Ok Kevin, I have the letter that I want to give to my ex-girlfriend roughly written out. I have a shirt that I bought her a while back (before we split) and I want to give her the letter and the shirt at the same time. I believe I mentioned the shirt before in a comment, but my plans with it have changed since then. Anyway, here is the letter. Let me know what you think please.

    Hey ****
    Well I guess I should start by explaining the shirt. I ordered it back in late December and it took forever to get here, but it finally did. I figured since I initially bought it for you that you should still have it. I remembered on Black Friday that you mentioned liking A Nightmare Before Christmas so I thought you’d like it.

    Also, I hope things are going well for you. I recently got the good news from Mott and I’ll have my 3 Associate’s degrees in a couple of weeks. So now I can spice up the resume and hopefully land a halfway decent job. Fingers crossed. Oh and I finally saw the Lord of the Rings movies. After seeing The Hobbit I knew I had to see them. I’d love to talk with you about them sometime down the line. Until then, take care.

    -Tyler

    A few things to note are that discussing movies is one of the things we did heavily before actually dating and even in the beginning of our relationship. LOTR is one of her favorite series and I had never seen it so I watched them. It’ll make for good discussion I think. Also I know before you mentioned that giving her the shirt seems “needy”. I do not want that. That was my biggest problems in our relationship and I think it drove her away. Do you still think the shirt is a bad idea? My mindset was that it would make her realize how much I pay attention to her. I mean she mentioned the movie one time and I remembered and got her a shirt based off it. That seems like a fairly sweet thing. But you know more than I do. Let me know what ya thing and if I should change or add anything. Thanks in advance Kevin.

    • Kevin January 26, 2014, 5:27 pm

      OK, I am still not sure about giving her the shirt but it’s better than your last plan. It seems less needy and kind of reasonable to give her something that you bought for her.

      I like the movies bit, and the letter seems pretty good. I think you should go ahead with it.

  • Tyler January 26, 2014, 5:51 am

    Oh also one more thing. Sorry for two comments. But since she is dating a guy already, do you think skipping the letter and moving forward straight to texting would be a better method? Or would sending the letter first, waiting for her to contact me, and then if she does good, if not start with the texts? Thanks again.

    • Kevin January 26, 2014, 5:33 pm

      Oh, I forgot about her having a new boyfriend part. In this case, I wouldn’t recommend even sending her the shirt (although, it’s still your call). An email would be better than a hand written letter if you still want to go with the letter route. But you can skip everything and go straight to text. What’s more important that you implement no contact. There’s no hurry to decide just yet. You don’t have to contact her till NC finishes.

      • Tyler January 26, 2014, 5:46 pm

        Right yeah she does have that boyfriend. Anyway so I’m still considering the letter. She doesn’t really do emails and stuff so I don’t think I’ll do that. I may consider skipping the letter and doing the just text thing after NC is up. Which is about a week and a half from now. So with the texts, it’s key to keep them short and what not? I have an idea for what to do for the first text to send her. It’s basically just like the one in your example but with a different show. But after that, every time I text her I can’t just say that I saw something that made me think of her, can I? How do you follow up later on? Thanks again Kevin. I appreciate you helping me through this.

        • Kevin January 27, 2014, 11:44 am

          Well, when you start contact with her, you are going to start getting new ideas at that time. Don’t worry about it just yet. I have a few other samples in the other article. And I’m going to add more in my email series pretty soon.

          • Tyler January 27, 2014, 4:13 pm

            Ok great. Thanks. How can I sign up for your email series? I’d love to receive those. Thanks!

          • Kevin January 28, 2014, 11:35 am

            Oh, it’s at the bottom (right before the comments section) of this article.

  • fernando January 27, 2014, 9:32 am

    hey kevin, so just some update on my situation, yesterday was day 26 of no contact and i ended up contacting my ex because of this treath that was sent to my ask it was some weird girl saying that she was gonna start a fight with my ex, silly stuff but i kinda used it as an excuse to contact her and start a conversation, we started talking at first about this threat and soon enought started talking about us she was in defensive mode the whole time acting very cold towards me and would try to stop the conversation the whole time saying stop enough i dont what to talk to you anymore but would keep talking and anwsering me, she threw in my face that she doesnt what to talk to me anymore that we cant even be friends anymore because of my the things i been doing lately, that back when we where going out we didnt go out to clubs we didnt do anything and know i got out all the time and to diferent places with diferent people, she was so angry with this, i told her that i felt free to go places and have fun with my friends because i didnt have to worry about people chasing me down like in her city and know i had changed jobs for the better with more flexible times and better wage and i told her that when we were togeather i had told her that things would get better and that she didnt have any pacients like i had ask her to and today we could of been alot happier, but she didnt want to listin she just started throwing all of this at my face saying that she would of given me money to help us go out more that i never asked and and back then you couldnt do anything and now you go everywere and do everything with your friend,and soon she started saying i hate you stop talking to me all this type of stuff, i ended the conversation saying all i asked from you was some pacients and you had none you never cared about my problems just yours you were selfish, i know i broke the no contact rule :/ i dont understand her reaction but one thing is for sure she is keeping tabs on the things i do and my happiness is upsetting her somewhat, she hasnt envolved herself with anyone else she keeps flirting around with some guys and doesnt hide it but thats about it, kevin please give me some light what is your opinion on the whole situation ? thank you in advance 🙂

    • Kevin January 27, 2014, 11:40 am

      Hey Fernando, not only you broke the no contact rule, you ended up having a sort of argument with her about your past relationship. I’ll recommend that you start no contact again and when you contact her this time, you take it slowly and not talk about your past relationship unless you are already back together (or on the verge of getting back together).

      • fernando January 27, 2014, 1:51 pm

        thanks kevin how long should i keep a new no contact for? should i keep posting things on my wall of me going out and having fun with friends and girls or should i kinda stop since it bugs her so much ?

        • Kevin January 28, 2014, 11:36 am

          Again 30 days. And yes, it’s a good idea to do that. Since it bugs her, do it moderately. Just don’t make it obvious you are doing it to make her jealous.

          • fernando January 28, 2014, 12:19 pm

            30 days again? seems like she will just forget me during this time, its already been 2 months since we broke up, but I guess you are right i take it from her reaction yesterday, i guess she still very closed and cold and in to much of a defensive mode for me to try to get close, seems like any atempt to get close on my part she just runs away and resents me besides the fact that she is the most proud and stubburn person i ever met, any tips on how to get passed her defensive mode and make her put her guard down?

          • Kevin January 29, 2014, 12:49 pm

            Just take it slow and don’t make it obvious you want to get back together.

  • liam January 27, 2014, 11:51 am

    Do you have any other advice for me at all Kevin? Is there a way of opening up contact again? I’m so annoyed that I messed up but I’m just hoping that therefore is something else I can do. I just feel like she probably is forgetting me now. Plus now they have been together for 3 months 🙁 feels like a long time for a rebound and it doesn’t seem like any cracks are starting to show at all.

    • liam January 27, 2014, 11:58 am

      It’s just the whole thing with her replying to my emails but not texts makes it feel like she does want me to talk to her but doesn’t want her bf to know.

      • Kevin January 27, 2014, 12:49 pm

        Hey Liam,

        My advice to you is the same as before. Move on. Forget about hope of getting back together. Any hope that you keep is going to drag you back into the obsession and it’s not going to help you in any way. Concentrate on moving on. If you want to give yourself a chance to contact her again, then give it at least 6 months. Forget about her for 6 months and concentrate on yourself. Date other girls and get laid as much as you can. If after 6 months, you still feel like you want her, then contact her. If you contact her before that, it’ll just be the same thing as last time. Any type of contact from you is going to look needy at this point. So, there’s no point in dong that.

        • liam January 27, 2014, 1:18 pm

          Surely all her feelings for me will have gone after 6 months though?

          • liam January 27, 2014, 3:49 pm

            I was hoping that she’d show more enthusiasm for my skydive but she really was acting like she didn’t care. Perhaps she didn’t want to be reminded of the fact that I’m doing more with myself than I did before and her current boyfriend. She mentioned before that she didn’t want to meet me because she is in a good place in her life and doesn’t want to deal with confusion and regret. That sounds to me like you’re right when you say she is running away from the pain. But at the same time she seems so damn happy and is so stubborn on making the relationship work. Do you think it likely that she will contact me again judging by her behaviour?

  • Keegan January 28, 2014, 4:22 am

    me and my ex broke up a few weeks ago because she started to get feelings for her best friend. I don’t blame her for that happening but I still have major feelings for her and shes told me that I was her first love and she will always have feelings for me. We’re both in college but we go to different schools but only 30min apart. We talk as best friends but shes told me she wants to focus on her new boyfriend right now because she wants to know if being with me is the right thing. We’ve dated for five years and I am in love with her. I just don’t know what to do to get her to start thinking im the right choice.

    • Kevin January 28, 2014, 11:33 am

      Apply no contact.

  • liam January 28, 2014, 8:49 am

    I keep trying to think back to how long we were apart for before. It was so confusing because we were off and on and I saw a couple of different girls during that time (nothing serious like she has done) and we probably were apart for about 5 months but we did keep having communication and she didn’t have anyone else during that time. I just feel that she is going to stay latched on to this new guy now unless she sees that we are more compatible now but she won’t see that unless she’s in a position too. Urgh it’s a vicious circle. I just don’t want to believe I have lost her for good. I thought I had lost feelings for her when we broke up before and now I’m trying to remember how those feelings came back to the surface. I think it was that she wasn’t really talking about getting back together. We were just talking andbit made me want her again. But this situation is different. She’s with someone else and appears to be happy and in love 🙁

    • Kevin January 28, 2014, 11:21 am

      Hey Liam, seems like you are trying to justify yourself (or me) contacting her again. IF you are trying to justify me, don’t bother. ‘Cause I still don’t think it’s a good idea to contact her. If you think it’s a good idea, go ahead and do so. You can wait for another month and try emailing her again. But trust me, there’s just pain and confusion for you down that road.

      • liam January 29, 2014, 1:17 pm

        Do you think that she will contact me again though? It just feels like if I leave it then all of the old feelings will die and that will be it like it is with other ex’s. I just don’t know of she really does still have feelings for me or not. She says she doesn’t but then her behaviour before made it seem that maybe she did. But then I could have just been seeing things that way because I wanted to. It’s like she doesn’t want to be in contact with me incase it makes her question her decision as she hates to do that. How could I possibly stand a chance when she is so stubborn. On other news I don’t think he has moved in with her yet so it looks like that probably was just to get a reaction out of me. So why do that if she feels nothing for me like she claims?

  • Benjamin January 28, 2014, 10:37 am

    I was just thinking Kevin, do you think I should send an apology letter after the 4 weeks are up or in the middle (It’s only been 4 days of NC so far but i was just wondering). I decided I’m going through with the letter because I did act like a fool after the breakup. Just wanted to get your opinion. Thanks

    • Kevin January 28, 2014, 11:22 am

      I’d recommend 4 weeks. Then wait another week before texting her again.

  • James January 28, 2014, 3:27 pm

    Hey Kevin,

    Much like everyone else above I too would like some advice in the matter – while reading through numerous of pages on the internet trying to understand and justify intentions and woman intentions, it feels like I’m just playing a game of guess the ulterior motive… I haven’t asked for any advice and now feels like the appropriate time. This will probably be quite long winded, though providing you with all the details I think is the best way to get the picture…

    I met this girl in a club in England, I know this may not sound ideal aha… but it was pretty much a one night stand gone wrong, we hooked up and it seemed like she was quite interested in me since the next morning, I’ve never been in a relationship before so being 22 in the moment I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but after getting to know her a bit more during the night I found out she was leaving England in 3 and half weeks to go back to living in Australia, so the sex being awesome and her leaving I thought great we could just use each other til she goes… weeks later and through consistent sex our feelings grew quite a lot… within two weeks of knowing her she asked me to move with her to Australia, I know she wasn’t messing around she was being quite serious and I didn’t think anything of it at the time I was just enjoying the sex so I never replied to it I just said I would think about it… but within the the last night we spent together before she left we’d had a little to drink and before bed she admitted to me that she was so close to loving me and it made me think that hey I am actually developing some real feelings for her so I said that I was close to living her back because even though I didn’t feel the same way at the time I saw in a brief moment us being together for a while and it felt good, so next morning I decided that I would come with her and give it ago. We have a lot of co incidents together and she made it out to be fate and that we have a lot of similarities so I thought going half way across the world to find out what would happen would be worth the risk and despite my position now as you’ll read on to understand, I still don’t regret leaving England behind to move to Australia.

    So I booked my working holiday visa the next morning and said I’ll meet her in Australia in a month after I gave sufficient time to leave my part time door job and I also had a holiday with the guys to go to Zante in Greece for a week! We skyped and messaged everyday (mainly her initiating it) and feelings grew on both parts a lot, then one day in Zante I had received a very drunk text from her that she admitted she couldn’t hide her feelings for me any longer and said she loved me… I tried changing the subject a fair bit because I want at that stage yet, but she kept messaging about it, so out of pressure I said it back again to save awkwardness, especially when she was drunk and I didn’t want to seem rude and not reply especially after that text… so when I got back home and the last few days til I was leaving home to start my new life in Australia, one night on skype she said to me she cant wait for me to be here with her so she can tell me she loves me and all that and that she feels like shes already in a real relationship with me… we tried going on dates in England but every time a friend would get in the way and it was hard to organise something with out her cousin being around too so we just made plans with them around as well. So I said that when I got to Australia I said I’d take her on a real date and she said she didn’t need to as she already felt like we were officially together… we both were happy with that and officially we were together for 2 weeks aha!

    I arrived in Australia, she picked me up from airport and the plan was for me to stay with her, cos she lived in a house there was a spare room I would leave my stuff in and that I would also be sleeping there but I’d be in her bed when we had ‘sleep overs’ id be in her room, that seemed fair and it meant despite living together we had space, but that didn’t go to plan and from the first night and the rest of the two weeks we slept in the same room, she kept asking me if I was staying in her bed and I couldn’t bring myself to say no in case she wondered why I wouldn’t sleep next to her, I was just a guy going with the flow, I didn’t have any friends out here I was by myself and I only had her for comfort so I tried to do nice things to make her feel appreciated. Though in England when we spent a few days sleeping together night after night she said to me that it felt weird her not waking up with out me being in the same bed so when I got to Aus I guess instead of acting the fun causal guy that was enjoying a fling in England I tried acting like the guy who wanted to be in a relationship so I tried doing nice things to try and impress her but that was my downfall and reading loads of articles weeks after the break up I’m pretty sure she felt like I was being over affectionate and we all know know that woman hate that so obviously she said one day that she wanted to take a step back as friends and go form there…

    I could see it coming because the last few days she became distant but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything about it until it was too late, but when she dropped the take the step back bomb I took it pretty well and said I understood… even though at the time I didn’t until the last few months when I had time to think about what went wrong and I keep coming to same conclusion that I was over affectionate, taking things too quick and her feeling like she didn’t have any space! So that night I spent by myself in the spare room, the next morning before she left for work she said to me that she feels a bit better that we had some space and that she mentioned about taking things slow and still had in her mind about when we have ‘sleep overs’ so I thought I still had a chance to be with her but just needed to give her more space… then a few hours later she asked me to meet her for lunch… she then told me she wanted to be friends so I was left a bit confused but I still took it well I went back to hers still thinking about what she said, then I sent her a Facebook message saying that I get why she was doing this when I still didn’t and that if she would allow me too that we could still go out on dates and stuff, she said she’d think about it as she wanted some time to assess her feelings about the situation so I thought again that I still had some chance so I played the next few days cool, gave her space etc and just kept my distance… next few days I pretty much got the hint that she only wants to be friends after she kept talking about when she was ready to date other men so I pulled her up on it and that’s when it hit me that we had actually broken up… she was just being nice about it but at the time I felt very manipulated and quite hurt after all I gave up for her and I thought she was quite selfish because I don’t think she took into account my feelings when she tried justifying the break up by going back on things she ever said to me like one time whilst spooning she said we fit perfectly together… then one of her excuses she said during the speech it that we weren’t compatible… I was very confused I didn’t know what was going on, I don’t remember much about the conversation we had, but I remember her saying that she didn’t want the pressure of forcing something to work that wouldn’t when surely the pressure was already on her the moment she asked me to move with her to Aus and she said she fell in love with the idea of being in love, I didn’t know what to make of it but yeah I was pretty annoyed but she wanted remain (you guess it…) ‘friends’… just felt like the whole time she didn’t give me much time to adapt to a new life with her but each to their own I guess…

    Because I didn’t have any where to go at the time and she was quite adamant that she wanted me to stick around as a mate and make the most of my visa until I decided to go travelling – her idea but I’m not one for travelling I only came here for her so I stayed with her for 2 more weeks just to see what would happen, I kept my cool and kept myself to myself (feelings wise)… over the course of two weeks she had a moan at me for 3 three things… the first time I tried being independent and doing things by myself, so I stopped the messaging when she was at work and kept conversation to a minimal to give her space then I joined a gym to give her more space… so when she would get back form work I’d go to the gym… a few days of doing this she picked me up on that she thought I was trying to avoid her and said that I wasn’t initiating conversation with her she was doing all the effort and that she thought every time I replied back to her she thought I was being sarcastic and giving her confused faces… I’m pretty sure I wasn’t I think she just had it in her mind that cos she broke up with me I was out to get her… I wasn’t I was just trying to revert back to being my old self and give her the space she asked for… but of course men being men I thought I was doing the right thing, obviously not… so she made me feel bad and I apologised even though I felt like I wasn’t in the wrong – thus leads on to the second thing she moaned at me for whilst still living together… we went to her friends birthday and in the car on the way there was a bit of silence (can you blame me I don’t know how to talk to her anymore things feel awkward like I’m treading on egg shells around her) and all week shes been asking me how I am and I said I’m fine then on that night she lost her shit and called me an asshole because I wouldn’t tell her what I had on my mind and even though I think back on it she just wanted a reaction, she got one and I said I was keeping myself to myself was that okay and again she made it out that I was being all sarcastic again when in fairness that was the first time I had been… so again I apologised for being in the ‘wrong’ the third time she got moody was when she asked me for my opinion on something and when I didn’t agree with her she made it a big deal and said I was just being spiteful because she ended things with me… again I apologised cos it made me feel like I was in the wrong again… so few days later I tried being chummy I made my mind up went to the travel agency brought a ticket home and went the next morning with out saying goodbye.. I didn’t know how to, so I left her some flowers and stupidly wrote a 3 page letter explaining my true feelings and that this was all hard for me and its best I leave and this was good bye…. stupidly I accepted a phone call she made to me and replied to several Facebook messages, so I hadn’t really said good bye I defeated the purpose of writing the letter almost instantly! We spoke on Facebook when I got home because she asked me too so I thought maybe if I asked her why things weren’t working she’d give me an honest reply this time round and she just said the same stuff she did previously… it didn’t help my situation, I still felt confused… so I replied with a message along the lines of that I feel hurt and ridiculed her on some of the things she said in the message and the only reply I got back from her the next morning was her saying that it feels weird me not being there with her, so I didn’t reply back and left it at that…

    Two and a half weeks later I decided to come back to Australia and finish what I started… a new life, I hated the fact that I never finished anything I planed and my goal this time was to stay and live in Australia giving the circumstances that I gave up a lot to be here in the first place, I decided that I may as well make the most of the time and money I spent to get here so when I stopped in Hong Kong for a few hours I had a message form the ex asking why I was in Hong Kong (dunno how she knew but she got wind I was coming back over) and I said I was coming back to Australia to make the most of my Visa and I was going to be traveling with some friends who were already out there in Queensland… I tried to not talk much to her because I didn’t want her to think I was coming back for her, she kept being friendly and talking to me so I decided one day that to get over her completely the best way was to cut her out my life (could never have been so wrong) so I said to her in a message on Facebook along the lines of that I couldn’t be her friend given the fact that I gave up a lot of things to be with her and she should except my decision, I don’t think she was expecting that so she said simple things to save face I think… really I just needed more space form her as even though it was a few weeks ago the break up still felt fresh to me… I bumped into some friends I knew back in England and they offered me a job back in Melbourne where I previously stayed with the ex… I needed a job and an income so I jumped at the chance and flew back down the next day, I posted on Facebook that it was great meeting new friends and had some good times but now it was time for me to go solo and back to Melbourne I come… I messaged the ex and said along the lines of ‘hey, I know I said I want going to contact you for a while but I just wanted you to know that I am back in Melbourne I was offered a job so I jumped at the chance’ she replied very distantly and had a go at me for thinking I knew what was best when as I said I really needed more space form her and said I didn’t word what I really meant well so I came clean and honest that I still wanted her in my life just didn’t know how to handle it at the time… that and apologising my arse off seemed to work, I don’t know why I thought she would sound happy until I realised she deleted me from Facebook the same time I posted the comment about coming back here, it made me realise that I still wanted her in my life I just needed some more space and when I re-read what I wrote previously about not wanting to be a friend anymore, I thought damn that actually sounds quite rude and spiteful that’s not me so again like a sucker I kissed arse because I thought that if I didn’t attempt to mend things now then I would never get a chance to have any hope of winning her back at some point… so we talked a little bit and agreed to meet up in mid September… she made it pretty clear that she didn’t want anything more to do with each other romantically and I sort of agreed knowing that deep down I still wanted her, but that wouldn’t stop me from trying, so yeah I tried to make amends and get back in her life as friend… intentionally to weed my way back into her life (don’t know why I thought that would work) so when we did meet up it felt like she only agreed to it out of pity, none the less it was nice to see her and know she was okay, we made some sort of plan to do something the following Saturday but she never got back to me, and I got really busy with work I didn’t have time to meet her when I was working 7 days a week so I waited til I was free a month later. I messaged her end of October 2013 asking if she was okay and if she wanted to meet up for another catch up, it turned out she got a new phone so she didn’t have my number and when asked who it was I replied withe me and she made out that she was busy with work… I know she doesn’t work weekends so I said how about the weekend… no reply… waited a few days messaged her back saying okay I get the hint you’re busy this week would you be free to do something week after next and she replied with ‘can I ask why’ and I said just to catch up to see how you are doing and I got no reply! So I gave up trying to make an effort with her and that was that, it was pretty much no contact from me… then mid December on the 19th she messaged me on Facebook using the ‘x-mas spirit’ as an excuse to talk to me, I was pretty annoyed cos it felt like she was just making excuses to talk to me but I sucked it up and replied back 3 days later saying things couldn’t be better and that I was very well and hoped she was okay and has an awesome x-mas, so I replied without asking for a reply and she said the same and hope I had a good x-mas mate, but when speaking to some of my friends who are girls to ask for their opinion they think she said mate to save face because she was expecting a different reply from me, I think she was expecting me to be friendly and ask her to meet and I was distant, then on x-mas day she sent me a message and I was a bit more friendly with her; we had a bit of a convo and a laugh but as soon as I asked about how her mortgage was coming along I didn’t get a reply back… so I left it as it was didn’t bother with trying to contact her… then on 10th Jan 2014 she messaged me early morning asking how I was and asked if I wanted to go for a catch up as she feels bad the way things happened between us, so I replied later at night playing cool again and keeping the convo short said things were great hope she was well and that sure I would go meet up with her – I didn’t make a big deal out of it so I said I wasn’t free this week (I lied) but maybe we could arrange something week after next and she replied back saying that sounds perfect how the weather was great and she is well… 30 mins later cos I didn’t reply I got the same message… that’s a bit weird… so I replied back with I’ll text you late next week when I know what days I’ll be available, take care for now and speak soon, good night! A week later I messaged her saying I was free Weds night or Fri night and she said she had her citizenship weds so she couldn’t but Friday was good… I text her Weds saying good luck with her citizenship and she could tell me all about it Friday, she seemed grateful and said see you Friday! Then Thursday night I had a text from her pretty much cancelling on me but the way it was worded either meant she forgot she had plans with me and made plans with her work friends (you wouldn’t forgot you had plans with someone especially if it was an ex) or she forgot she had plans with her work friends when she made plans with me but she was still pretty keen to meet with me asking if i was free on
    Saturday night or the next week… I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it just in case she was playing games with me so I said I’m not free next week unless Monday day but I’d let her know about Saturday after I finished work… so come sat I text her she said she had plans so I said the only day next week I can do is Monday on the bank holiday, but she said she really needed the day to do the gardening so I suggested that I come give her a hand making the excuse that I’d rather do something productive than sit on my arse all day and she agreed (when really I just made the excuse cos I wanted to get the catch up over and done with)! So Monday we met up, now the only reason at the time I agreed to meet with her is because I was curious as to why she all of a sudden she wants to meet with me after 3 months ago after September meeting and with the lack of reply and distance in her texts she made it pretty clear she didn’t want anything more to do with me and now all of a sudden she is interested to know how I’m doing and secondly because its been a while and I’ve been busy with my own life meeting new people, settling in and making new friends, got a career plan and using the gym… so I have a life plan and it’s pretty awesome – I wanted to know if I met her again would I still have feelings for her and when I got to hers and saw her again I did!!

    Initially I helped with the gardening cos that’s what I was there to do, so when she could no longer be arsed 20 mins later we had more of a chat of what we’ve been getting up to and I made it clear that my life is pretty awesome and cos I’ve changed my attitude a bit trying to adapt into a new life I stopped pretending to be the nice guy cos it wasn’t getting me anywhere and since then loads more doors have opened up for me… she didn’t ask formally but she dropped hints to see if I’ve been with other woman and I said yes I’ve been getting myself out my comfort zone and trying new things and I don’t think she liked the sound of it that my life has been pretty good with out her and then when I asked about hers she said the same thing about her life but it didn’t sound convincing and she dropped hints that she has a new boyfriend… I played it cool cos honestly I didn’t know about him until she made reference to him and I didn’t ask about him, judging from her body language I don’t think she liked that I didn’t give a reaction to that either and later in convo she kept dropping stuff about him even though I never asked, he works in the mines in Perth so he works 4 weeks on and one week off… I’ve never met the guy and personally I’m jealous cos he has the money and they have the space for things to work, as I said I’ve never met they guy I haven’t been stalking her Facebook profile so I don’t know what shes been getting up to other than what she tells me so I don’t know what this guy looks like either (and I still don’t – to a point I don’t want too just in case I feel like he’s better than me)!! Going back to the reasons why I agreed to meet her, I was going to ask why she was all of a sudden interested in wanting to see me and I think I got my answer, shes lonely – her new bf is away and I know from living with her last time that her friends are a few years younger than her and they go to uni so she doesn’t really see anybody so I think she may be using me cos she knows my feelings towards her and is trying to make it look like she feels guilty how things ended in order to keep me under the thumb thinking I would come crawling back when she asks it… but speaking with my friend today about it all who is friends with her on Facebook she said to me that my ex has just put on Facebook that she’s now in a relationship which given that I just met her the day before seems quite coincidental really… so I am quite confused with whats going on… the thing that gets me is that if she too made it out that her life has been awesome with out me with out sort of admitting it but not sounding convincing about it either why has she invited me back in her life? So really I’m asking for advice and help to what I should do next? To finish on the situation so far she wanted to go out for a drive and go to her mums but I text my friend to phone me to make plans that I had to go meet her in the nearest city for lunch cos she had some good new about her pregnancy she wanted to tell me so I said I couldn’t go and she offered to give me a lift so I accepted, she dropped me off around the corner and I went to meet my ‘friend’ at the train station (I made other plans because the idea was to do the gardening, she changed the plans so I didn’t want her to think I was going with the flow again when I was only really there there to help her, not go see her mum) her mums house is the opposite way to where she dropped me off, I got out grabbed my work stuff and said thanks for the lift good bye, her reaction to my sentence made her seem like she was expecting a different reply again, because I think maybe she wanted me to ask her to meet up again… I get the impression cos I don’t think she likes making the effort to get in touch that way it seems like she wants me in her her life not the other way around when it was her that broke things off with me, but as I walked by a bus to get on the train I could see though the window what I’m pretty sure was her car drive by really slowly to try and see me… I mean seeing her again has reminded me of all the good times but I cant be just a friend given all the things she said and did to me to convince me coming here in the first place, I’m willing to sacrifice silver to go for gold if it means losing silver… if that makes sense cos we only know each other intimately I feel friendship wont work and I don’t want to settle for second best… what should I do?? Apologies for the essay Kevin but I feel better for getting it out… a problem shared is a problem halved right!?

    • Kevin January 29, 2014, 4:39 pm

      Hey James,

      There could be two reasons of her inviting you.

      1. She wanted to see if she still has feelings for you before starting the relationship officially with the other guy.

      2. She still has feelings for you and wanted to see if you still have feelings for her.

      Regardless, she is confused about her feelings and if you think you can move on, you should.

      If you want her back, I think it’s better to wait and see if she contacts you again.

      • James January 30, 2014, 8:23 am

        Thanks Kevin,

        I still have feelings for her and moving on without having one last attempt is something I would regret not trying – if she doesn’t make contact then I will move on… no point wasting any more effort! The plan I had in my mind initially was to keep to the no contact again and see if she did message me…

        But if she does, what should I do?…

        1.) Not reply back and wait to see if she sends another message asking why I hadn’t replied – that way I know if she really is that interested to see me again?

        2.) I make the decision if she contacts me to arrange to meet up with her but then when face to face try and clear the air and afterwards give her an ultimatum choosing between her new guy and me?

        3.) Do I just play it cool and leave the ball in her court to make the effort and just go with the flow?

        Or, do you have any suggestions that would be more appropriate to help me?

        I just find it more confusing that when I met her she referenced the new guy as her boyfriend, but only made it official the next day… could you help me to understand why she may have done that?

        Sorry for all the questions Kevin, I’m really trying to make sense out of this confusion!

        • Kevin January 30, 2014, 4:57 pm

          It’s really hard to tell why she did that. Like I said, she could have feelings for you and wanted to gauge your reaction of knowing she has a new boyfriend.

          But, I don’t think you are going to gain anything by analyzing why she did that. The only thing you should concentrate on is your next move. I agree with you not contacting her and waiting for her to do so. Of the 3 choices, I like third one best. Just go with the flow. See how she is talking to you and how much interest she is showing in you. Just be careful that you don’t become friendzoned whom she uses for company when her boyfriend is away.

          • James January 31, 2014, 8:45 am

            Thanks again Kevin,

            That makes sense but you’re right – over thinking the situation isn’t going to get me any where, it will just make me feel worse… I guess its human nature to fear the unknown.

            I have more advice to ask from you but given that she may or may not contact me again I see no need at this stage, as I don’t want to get ahead of myself and get my hopes up on the chance she wont make contact… is it okay with you Kevin if I keep you updated as and when things happen… if they happen that is?

          • Kevin February 4, 2014, 5:55 pm

            Absolutely. That’s what the comments section is for. In fact, I am sure all the other readers will be interested in an update too.

  • Raul January 28, 2014, 8:29 pm

    Hi Kevin, sorry I didnt keep you posted about the “date” with my ex, let me catch you up:

    Last Friday, I knocked on her door and she greeded me with the a great hug. It was kind of a big deal since we hadn’t seen each other in 6 weeks. Then we went out to the park and had a long talk. We talked about what we did in the past few weeks, our plans for the summer, and I even told her about my trip to Cusco. She was pretty impressed when she saw that I lost weight and even more impressed when I told her that I was on a diet. I gave her a keychain I bought back in Cusco, and I bought her chocolate in the park, I was a real gentleman the whole “date”. Everything was going great until she asked me the name of the girl I was seeing. I didn’t tell her her name cause I thought it would get her more jealous and curious. She got kinda pissed off, so we went back to her place.

    She invited me inside and we both sat on the couch where we always used to make out. We didn’t speak for about 5 minutes. Just akward silence. Then I thought to myself: “That’s it, get your ass out of there”, so I said: “I think I should be going now”. She told me to stay a bit longer, so I did. I few minutes later, she laid her head on my shoulder and started crying. She said “I’m sorry for all the pain I did to you” She said she really regreted her decision and wished she could turn back time. She confessed many things like she dreams of me every night. She said that I’ve become a lot more mature and that things between us would be very diferrent if it weren’t for the new guy. I asked her why she didn’t break up with him, but she said she didn’t want to hurt any more people. I found that understandable, so I said that everything happens for a reason. She thought about this and admitted that we’re bound to end up together and that this time apart was for the better.

    We went to her balcony and hugged while we saw the sunset. It was getting pretty late so we both thought it was time to say goodbye. She walked me to the door and we shared one last hug, she said she didn’t want me to leave and I said me neither. Then, I asked the unthinkable. I asked if I can kiss her. She said she can’t, though she wants to so much. I said dont worry about it. I thought to myself: “YOU IDIOT, WHY DID YOU ASK THAT?”. And as I was opening the door, she grabbed me by the face and gave me a quick but juicy kiss in the lips. We both smiled and said goodbye.

    I feel like I’m one step away from getting her back and the only thing that is in my way is the new guy. I guess my quiestion is, what should my new approach be after this? Should I keep low contact or should I talk to her more often? Sure, I’m gonna keep focusing on myself in the meantime, but there has to be something I can do to speed things up.

    • Kevin January 29, 2014, 3:27 pm

      That’s awesome Raul. Congrats. Well, stay in contact with her. But do not look needy in any way. If it seems like things are progressing and she is going to break up with her boyfriend, then keep doing what you are doing. If it seems like she is putting her boyfriend before you, then reduce contact. Reward favorable behavior from her with your attention.

      Also, don’t be in a hurry. Someone trying to speed things up always looks needy. That being said, make sure she doesn’t put you in the friendzone (which seems highly unlikely right now.)

      • Raul February 5, 2014, 8:06 am

        Hey Kevin,

        Ever since the “date”, things haven’t been so great. My ex barely texted me the next week. I thought things were going to be different between us after what happened in our “date”. I waited a whole week for her to change and I grew tired of waiting. So I asked if we could catch up again (after all, it had already been a week since the “date”). But she kept ignoring my messages and saying she was busy, and I became very resentful for that…

        Today, I texted her saying that I needed to speak with her, so she called me and asked what was wrong. I told her that I needed to speak with her face to face (just an excuse to see her), but she was very persuasive (at least with me), it’s almost impossible to say no to her. I told her that I was tired of being her “Plan B” and that I was tired of waiting for her like an idiot. I gave her an ultimatum, I made her choose between me and him. She started crying and said i was a jerk for making her choose between us. She picked him over me. I kinda saw this coming.

        After that, I felt like I would never have a chance with her again if I left things this way. So, about a couple of hours later, I called her and told her I’m sorry for making her cry and that I didn’t meant what I said. I realized that she actually cared about me enough to cry for not being friends anymore. I just didn’t want to get hurt by waiting any longer, so I had to do what I had to do. She said that she was really happy I called because she was feeling sad about what I said. We talked some more and then agreed that if we ever get back together, it will be on good terms. She said that I could get any girl I want because I’m handsome, intelligent and a very talented musician. She even said that I was better looking than her boyfriend! So yeah, she said she would call me tomorrow and that was it. I guess what I learned from all this, is to let your ex be the one who proposes the idea of getting back together.

        I don’t know if this little incident made things better or worse between us, but I would definitely like your opinion and some advice on what to do know. I don’t feel alone, I just feel… incomplete.

        • Kevin February 5, 2014, 3:23 pm

          Hey Raul,

          Well, to be honest, I think you messed it up. When she chose him, you should’ve left it at that. If you stopped contact with her at that point, you would’ve had a better chance of her contacting you. Whenever you give an ultimatum, you should mean it. If you don’t follow through after an ultimatum, you look weak.

          • Raul February 5, 2014, 7:07 pm

            Aw damn it. What do you think I should do now? Should I say that I was serious about my decision, but I didn’t want her to cry so I just called her to make her feel better? Should I call her, text her or go to her house?
            I can’t help thinking that if I gave her the ultimatum face to face, she would’ve picked me.

          • Kevin February 6, 2014, 12:17 pm

            Hey Raul,

            Well, for starters, don’t give an ultimatum unless you see signs from her that she is interested in you. You gave the ultimatum when she was pulling away from you. For now, I’d recommend just continue contact with her for a while and see if you can have another date like the one you had before.

            Going back on your words will again make you look confused and unsure of yourself. So carry on with what you said. You can again give her an ultimatum and mean it. But this time, do it when you are sure she’ll choose you.

  • Ismael January 28, 2014, 8:55 pm

    Ive been with my gf 3 yrs and have a 2 yr old daughter with her and she has never hurt me but in those 3 yrs ive talked to other girls/women thru email and texts while still with her and i felt so bad and tryed to delete em to forget them but she found out but never physically cheated,never crossed my mind.my ex and i have been broken up for 8 months now and she has a new bf that she has been dating since jan 3rd.but she lives with me currently.do u think theres any hope of getting her back.

    • Kevin January 29, 2014, 3:23 pm

      Well, that’s a tricky situation. Try to apply limited no contact. Only talk about things that are necessary and related to your daughter. Follow the rest of the plan as is.

      • Ismael February 1, 2014, 7:29 am

        Its So Hard Though Cuz Tonight I Find Out She Has Been Sleeping With This Guy And I Also Found A Pregnancy Test But It Was Negative.And I Recently Got Diagnosed With Depression.I Need To Get Her Back.I Believe Now Its Getting Serious And Its Only Been 3 Wks.I Mean Pregnancy Tests And Sex Already?I Mean What Should I Do.

        • Kevin February 5, 2014, 2:48 pm

          Ismael, that sucks. I know how hard it is. My recommendation is to find a place of your own, if it’s possible. Don’t stay in the house just in hope that you’ll get back together. You’ll have more chances of reconciliation if you move out.

  • Fernando January 29, 2014, 4:44 pm

    So another 30 days is recomended? Any tips on getting close under the radar and making her put her guard down ?

    • Kevin January 30, 2014, 4:45 pm

      Yup, another 30 days. And as for getting close, use the strategies mentioned in the other article. Take it slow, and don’t talk about the past relationship.

  • josh January 30, 2014, 1:33 pm

    this has really helped me, ive jsut read it and im going to try it!! my and my ex were together for nearly 2 years, we had a great healthy relatioship together, towards the end she said she wasnt happy as we were not doing different things, i can understand, 1 week later after the breakup shes with another guy (looks like a roll on deoderant) ive been a complete tool towards her crying down the phone, begging for her to let me make her happy, telling her that i want her and nobody else stood there next to me on my wedding day she says shes happy with this guy but i think hes going to hurt her (i dont want this as i care for her so much) i really havent got a clue on what to do anymore, im going to try these steps and hope that this is a rebound relationship and she does want me back…
    thankyou

    • Kevin January 30, 2014, 5:11 pm

      Thanks and all the best.

  • Marco January 30, 2014, 3:03 pm

    Hi kevin, my gf and i were together for 2 years. We broke up at xmas time as i had made alot of mistakes during the relationship and also i have been abroad since August which added to the strain. 2 weeks after we broke up she said she had been on a few dates with someone which was quite hurtful. Is this a rebound? I have started applying NC. I intend to meet with her in April, after i break the NC. However, in april i will only be close to her (in the same country) for a few weeks before i go abroad again for another couple of months. I was wondering if i should still meet with her in April or if i should wait until we are permanently in the same country and close, before i meet with her? Thanks.

    • Kevin January 30, 2014, 5:15 pm

      Meet her in April. It’ll work to your advantage if you make a lot of positive changed in your life and are confident during the meeting.

  • Dion January 30, 2014, 4:09 pm

    So Kevin I saw my ex today because I asked to see my son. On the way to her house I said nothing. We didn’t talk until she took off one of my headphones and asked me about the weather. I was in her hallway and she seemed so cold and distant to me like she didn’t even know me. We talked about the baby and Then somehow the subject was about us. I told here that “it’s a shame that we can’t even be friendly, why do we always have to act like we don’t know each other? Part of me still loves you and always will ” she replied with “whatever happened in the past happened, I moved on and I’m happy now ” I asked of her like was truly happier without me she said yes. So before I left I told her this “I don’t know what I did to you during your pregnancy that made you this way but I’m sorry, if I could put things right I would and I’ve tried but I don’t deserve this. ” so later on that day we talked on the phone and she said “I will always be angry for what you did” and I tried explaining her that it doesn’t have to be this way. We can still be a family. She doesn’t want that .she went as far as saying I don’t care if my son suffers, he will be Alright ” at this point I’m at a loss for words. I’m not even sure if she even cares anymore like 4 Years and a child mean nothing to her. Why Is she acting like this I don’t understand. Is she really that happy with guy that She’s willing to cut all ties with me or is she so confused that she just wants me gone. She keeps telling me she loves me because we were happy once upon a time and because I gave her a child. I don’t want to fight with her anymore Kevin. I just want to show her that I can love her and be there for her but instead she leaves me and dates some prick in high school. Honestly do you think she still loves me at this point or is she really gone and I should just give up after everything that ive done.

  • Peter January 31, 2014, 2:58 am

    Hey Kevin,

    Just an update, I haven’t contacted her at all. Actually, I’m kinda happy about it. My life is getting so much better now, that I’m starting to lose interest. I’ve passed 60 days and I keep telling myself I’ll wait another week before contact, and instead I just don’t. My sister was trying to tell me about her facebook/instagram postings (which I’ve long deactivated) and it didn’t even phase me a bit. My point in writing this is a message for everyone else. Kevin is right, NC should be used to examine everything and decide even if you want to rekindle things, rather than just a way to make them miss you. Just live your life in the present, you can’t change the past. Regardless, thanks for the great read Kevin. If my ex and I cross paths again than great, but I’m perfectly fine if we don’t at this point. All the best, and good luck everyone! I hope you find what you’re looking for!

    • Kevin February 4, 2014, 5:51 pm

      Thanks for the update and congrats on reaching this point. Cheers!

  • Agie January 31, 2014, 5:26 am

    Hi my gf and i were together for 2 years. however, last christmas she broke up with me and i found out that the reason for the break up was because she was physically attracted with another guy. after applying a month of no contact and started dating someone else, she started texting me and asking me for a second chance a week ago. she realised that she made a mistake and wants to get back with me again. however, when i asked her about the other guy, she told me that they’re still together and she wants sometime to break up with him. I’m starting to have doubt on her real intention on why she’s getting back with me.. is it because she knew that i am already dating someone else? i still love her but it seems like she’s not ready to let go the other guy..

    • Kevin February 4, 2014, 5:54 pm

      Just let her know that you’ll think about being with her when she breaks up with her boyfriend. Don’t let her control your life. You’ll regret it later.

  • Jarred January 31, 2014, 7:23 am

    Hi Kevin
    So my story is about my ex GF she left me a about a month ago and i know the reasons she told me we were a boring couple and that she wasnt attracted to me anymore.

    We had been dating for 3 months it was a good relationship where we began to fall in love with eachother. 2 days b4 the break up she was apologizing because she wasnt a good GF like not giving me enough attention and saying she was going to get better for me and i began to believe her because of the next day she gave me loads of attention like contacting me first etc. well the day after that she just randomly dumps me saying that we were boring and i was unattractive to her but she still wanted to be friends even though she dumped me well at midnight she called me crying telling me shes sorry and that she will miss me and everything we did and for a week i begged for her to take me back and took the desperate route i knew it was wrong but i was scared of losing her at the time well after her constantly getting annoyed she blocked me from her phone and told me there was nothing i could do to get her to unblock me from her contacts. For about 2 weeks after she blocked me i moped around feeling sad and depressed so i decided to tell her friend to tell her (since she blocked me and i had no means of contact with her) i told her “i guess ill try to move on and give up on being friends with her since thats not what she wanted” (it felt wrong at the same time telling her that because it wasnt true) well not even 5 mins. Pass and she unblocks me from her phone! But started an argument about the present she bought me for christmas saying “so you don’t like my christmas present huh” (of course i said somethings but i didn’t mean them it just hurt a lot when she left me, but i didn’t mean any of it honestly) i apologized to her saying im sorry and that it was a special gift from her and she didnt listen she called me a liar and wanted the present back because she didnt want to see it go to waste since she thought i didnt care well i didnt text her back for awhile so like a couple of minutes pass and she says “excuse me” to get my attention so i text her back saying i really did care about it and she said
    “Thx bye”
    “I dont care”
    “Whatever”

    Well i immediately went into no contact for about a week until i messed things up and contacted her again because i was worried she wouldnt contact me back ( i know that was a huge mistake) but i didnt talk about the relationship just small talk but i could tell something was wrong so i asked her and she said it was nothing and if there was why would she tell me so i said i dont know because i still care and she ignored that and said why are we even talking so SHE hanged up the phone and 2 days later blocks me back on her phone without me knowing and so i asked her on instagram if she did but deleted the picture i sent the message on ( also she seems happy in alot of pictures) well she decided to block me from all of the social media i have her in and b4 i unfollowed her on tumblr but a day ago followed her again and realized that, that might show that i still have feelings for her so i unfollowed b4 she could see that i did that and block me from that also.

    Now its been 6 days since i last spoke to her and i just heard that she has a new boyfriend and is done and over with me but i feel like this guy is a rebound relationship im not really sure thats why im here to find out and get some advice from you and see what you think about it..

    But my questions are why did she block me, tell me i couldn’t do anything to get unblocked and then decides to unblock me? Like will she ever unblock me again or seem like she will?

    2. Does it seem like i still have a chance to get her back in my situation even if she is with some new guy and seems happy with him?

    Last question can no contact still work even though she blocked me from everything and how could it work in my case?

    I would like to hear back from you with your advice..

    • Kevin February 4, 2014, 6:06 pm

      The reason she blocked you is because she got angry and the reason she unblocked you is because she found a reason to do so. She is confused about her feelings and feels by blocking you, she can feel better about herself. I guess you still have a chance. Her new relationship could be a rebound and might end soon. And yes, no contact will still work. I guess you can send her an email like the one mentioned in the other article on how to get your ex girlfriend back and see how she responds to it.

  • liam January 31, 2014, 7:51 am

    Hi Kevin,
    Surely there is something else that I can do? It’s just that I got the feeling that by keeping in contact with her I was adding some difficulty to her new relationship and it was making her think about things (only judging by her reactivating her old fb for that brief time and saying she didn’t want to meet up which I guess means there might still be some feelings for me). It’s just that if I back off completely now then I’m just leaving them to flourish again and that will make things easier to forget about me and not have to risk feeling any regret.

    • liam January 31, 2014, 9:00 am

      Also she still didn’t directly say not to contact her again like she did when we broke up. It’s like she’s still keeping it open for me to try. Plus the fact that she must have been hiding from her boyfriend the fact that we were in contact seeing as she spoke on email and not on text.

      • Kevin February 4, 2014, 6:10 pm

        Because she wants you to contact her and feed her ego.

    • Kevin February 4, 2014, 6:10 pm

      Could be. But by staying in contact with her, you are going to be thinking about everything she said 24/7 and will be giving her the satisfaction that you are still dying to be with her. Every time you try to contact her, she feels better knowing that you still have feelings for her while and that she is winning the breakup (a common thinking pattern for manipulative people).

  • A January 31, 2014, 9:00 am

    Hi. English its not my native language (and I don´t live in the US) so excuse me for my mistakes.
    It´s been 3 months since my girlfriend broke up with me. Its a long and messy story. We were together for 2 years, but when we started dating I was still coming out of a 4 years relationship and she didn´t want to get into a relationship so we thought “perfect, no one gets involved, no one gets hurt”. Then we fell in love, but I was still confused about my ex and that was kind of always there, even when I totally moved on and was 100% in this relationship because she had this little insecurity on the back of her head. We moved in together around 4 months after the relationship started, even though she was moving to europe in some months (which was why she didn´t want to get into a serious relationship in the first place). Things were going really good and we were both fighting our own fears (we both had had some complicated relationships before) and getting to know each other on really deep levels. Then a month before she left, my sister died and I was devastated and terribly depressed. I resented her a lot for leaving, even though I understood it was stupid, a part of me was really resentful for her not being there through that very hard time. She was also feeling bad, guilty and depressed and not wanting to be in europe, etc. Still we managed to get through that and kept the long distance relationship. 9 months after she left I went to see her. We spent two months there, we went to Paris and had a marvelous time (as cliché as it might sound). Then I came back and she was supposed to come not long afterwards. Then things started to go downhill, as we both grew very desperate and possessive. I was very tired and grumpy all the time and started to resent her again and push her. Well, we both made mistakes but I was the one who screwed up more. Then we decided to try an open relationship while she came back, which was a bad idea. We started fighting over everything and just a couple of weeks before she came back we broke up, but kept talking. Then she came back and we tried to be together again but we were both just too tired, particularly her, and we broke it up. It wasn´t an ugly break up, we talked nicely and admitted our mistakes, we told each other how much we loved each other and meant to each other and that was that. Thing is that in the last week before coming back she slept with someone, she eventually told me who it was (a mutual friend) and that he made her feel good and appreciated and supported in a moment that we were both being not very nice to each other. Yet she said it meant nothing, that it had nothing to do with our break up (which I understood). After breaking up we didn´t talk for some days (she decided to stay for a couple of months and then she was going back to europe), but I decided to try it once more and wrote to her. She said we should talk in person so we decided to have lunch. We talked again and she said I looked good and that I was doing everything she wanted me to do when we were together, but it was too late. Problem was we kept seeing each other and talking to each other and going up and down and having not-dates. Then she went on a trip to see her family like 3 weeks before christmas and we kept talking all the time but I noticed this guy would be posting songs and stuff on her facebook and so would she, so I got really jealous. We talked about it and she told me that she wanted to be alone with herself for some time, but that in any case if she was going to be in a relationship with someone it would be him, that she was sorry to hurt me and that she understood I felt bad and jealous, that she felt jealous as well of any girl I could potentially start dating and that it scared her to lose me but that she had no energy to try to make things work with me. I decided not to talk to her for a while. She wrote to me on christmas saying she loved me a lot and so on, to which I replied just saying: “Thanks, hope you´re having a great time too”. Thing was we had decided to see each other for new years, we were going to the beach with some friends. She wrote to me a couple of days after christmas saying she really missed me and that it was all a mess, and that she really wanted to see me. So I went to the beach and we were staying in neighboring rooms at a small hotel. So we had a lovely but messy trip, like 4 days. We had a fight for new years, but solved it quickly. She told me she didn´t understand how she had gone from the point where she would do anything to save this relationship to where she was now, and that she wanted to go back there because she saw me and knew that I was what she wanted, that she really wants to be with me but just doesn´t feel the same way anymore. So we came back from the beach and she was about to go back to europe. We decided to have a day for ourselves to just say goodbye. We exchanged christmas presents, wrote beautiful letters for each other, talked about all our feelings. We kissed and we ended up sleeping together (we were totally sober). She told me she loves me and that I changed her life like no one before, that she´s scared to lose that and that she hopes we keep finding each other down the road and keep growing together and we agreed to keep writing to each other and so on. Next morning I left her house and in a couple of days she was gone (just two weeks ago). Then a week after that I also moved to another country, to study and work in what I always wanted to do. Now we´re both in different countries and different continents but keep talking to each other. Today she told me she´s living with this other guy. She also says she misses me a lot and thinks about me all the time and that she´s scared I´m gonna forget her and go out of her life. She says she doesn´t wanna hurt me and that if I want her not to write to me or talk to me then she understands, although it hurts. She also mentioned again that she feels jealous of the idea of me being with someone else.
    This whole thing is killing me, and since we´re very honest about what we both feel all the time it becomes hard to know what to do. I know we both have feelings for each other but I´m the one who´s not being able to move on. And I really hate this guy.
    I´m trying to focus on myself and I´m really enjoying what I´m doing right now. Problem is that very often I find myself wanting to tell her about it (and she says she wants me to tell her about all this new experience I´m living, and that she wants to tell me about everything she´s doing as well). She said she´ll come visit me in december haha.
    I really wish I could get the idea of getting back together with her out of my mind, but it is really not working (I know right? even with that much of an impossible situation???)
    Any advice?
    Thanks for reading

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 2:39 pm

      Well, my advise is stop talking to her for a month.

  • liam January 31, 2014, 11:52 am

    Also just had a friend request off her on Facebook but then she cancelled it straight away! I mean what the hell?

    • liam January 31, 2014, 5:30 pm

      I had commented on one of her cousin’s status and about 5 mins later I got a friend request through from my ex. I clicked on it on my phone just to look at it (wasn’t going to accept or decline for the time being) and the friend request disappeared. What do you think about that? That she’s messing with me or she accidentally sent it while looking at my profile (as I have done that before in the past) what do I do? I want to ask her about it because I’m sick of all the dancing around but I just don’t know. She also later posted something up on her Facebook something pretty stupid regarding love heart sweets and her boyfriend (and she doesn’t make posts often so eas wondering if she’d probably done it for me to see) Do you think she’s trying to get my attention? As I said before she still hasn’t told me straight up not to contact her.

  • Sami February 1, 2014, 12:04 am

    hi kevin! the reason for this message is that, i wanna know that do u think i still have a chances with her. and i didnt talk to her, nor she messaged me. please tell me, if i can still get her back. do u think she is in a rebound relationship?

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 2:46 pm

      Yes Sami, I think you still have a chance. At least, follow the guide once and if it doesn’t work, move on.

  • alex February 3, 2014, 4:06 am

    Hi kevin! Ito just wanna keep it short abt my story. I just broke up with my ex on mid of november. The reason i broke up with her because she had no feeling about me and didnt see a future to live with me through marriage. She said all the stuff like im childish, momma’s boy, immature, dependent etc. I realized my mistake and wanna change myself but she didnt give me a second chance. After a week of NC, i have found out she’s got new boyfriend, its killing me. Due to my mistake, i broke the NC, on early november, i gave her a present like flowers and apologize card. In the end, its not working, she threw it into the garbage. After that, i texted her, to say hi and something, but shes being rude to me, like saying abusive words. For ur info, shes my co-worker, work in the same building. After she did that to me, i initiated NC again. I know i was wrong for my action because ive shown my neediness, and its not gonna happen. I decided to I unfriend her on fb. I completely ignored her in the workplace. I just prayed that she’s happy with her new boyfriend. You know what, i didnt wish her birthday on 1st february. In your opinion, do you think shes going back to me, you know, reconciliation? Is she gonna miss me? Does she have feeling on me or happy with her new boyfriend? Its been 2 months of NC. Just wondering.

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 2:52 pm

      Hey Alex,

      I can’t say for sure whether she’ll come back or not. But I bet she does still have some amount of feelings for you. If you follow the guide and make positive changes in your life, you are going to increase your chances of reconciliation tremendously.

      • alex February 9, 2014, 12:32 pm

        Thanks Kevin, I made a positive changes in my life, like hanging out with friends, making new female friends, enjoying new hobbies like baking, playing guitar and so on. In the workplace, I just acted nothing’s wrong, being happy and laughing with my colleagues (but not carried away) around her. But when it comes to work-related with my ex, she’s acting weird like not making eye contact, talking with rude tone. I just recalled what she just said since the day we discussed about broke up, she said ‘I never wanna talk to you except work-related, just act like a professional worker’, then I talked to myself, ‘Who is professional now? You or me? What’s wrong with you?’ It’s almost 3 months. Does she really have feeling about me the way she acted? It is so confusing. But NC is still NC, never break it up. Right?

        While I’m enjoying with my new life, at the same time, I do have strong feeling to her, it never faded away, but what can I do? She’s my co-worker, like seeing her every working day. I’ve been wondering, is she on the rebound relationship or seriously with her new boyfriend? I just hope someday she’s going to talk to me.

        • Kevin February 10, 2014, 5:05 pm

          Well, her behavior shows she’s still struggling with her feelings for you, so that’s a good sign. I guess you continue doing what you are doing unless she starts acting kind to you again. Working with her can prove to be beneficial since you can know exactly when she is starting to warm up to you again, and that’s when you make a move.

  • Robert February 3, 2014, 5:21 am

    Kevin… my gf and I broke up dec 4th. I waited several days. Then contacted her trying to fix it but no dice…did same thing for a month about every 6-9 days… then about 2 weeks ago I did a drive by at 4 am.. guys truck in her driveway…waited about 4 days drove by her work she came out to talk. I didnt directly ask about the guy she said he has been buy once then she said twice…she was very adiment they were not having sex and that he was just a friend..but he is actually an ex from way back.. her and I have been together for about 7 yrs had a breakup almost 2 yrs ago in which we stayed apart about 7 months the last 1 or 2 she was seeing this same guy…… really difficult to deal with period either way but is it more fearful or better it is him for the rebound? …pics him cause he is convenient and knows it wont work and the rebound she self destruct or they real decided to make a go of it?? As you were telling another poster it is hard to believe we could be together that long and she move on so fast…….she is very very strong willed… stuborn and prideful. .. even if she did want me back dont think she would make a move…I am pretty sure she knows I love her to death and could pick up phone and want to talk and I would….. it will be very hard to know when and if it does fall apart to make contact with her…rite Now I am approaching 14 days no contact. I am very hurt by her choice , severely. ..but I have not reacted to him or lost my cool in any way…. we were fighting a good bit when she left.. but it was over the same stuff mostly schedule conflict.. acting like 1 family but 2 houses.. anyhow she brought up alot of negitives about me that were part true and some she said she was worried about. But didnt sit down at table to say we need this fixed or else. She just baled…she has a habit if that when it gets time to make a real move…I am very very crushed and desperate at times… we have gone through tuff spots before but she has never involved anyone that quick and just quit on us….he is in no way the provider I have been… but he may be willing to just let her run the show and hang in there for the benefits for quite some time…thats is what I am scared of…if he just always goes With the flow… the rebound could last a while…deep down I really know we loved one another and have had a wonderful life. But her commitment issues have always hurt us.. I stepped out on her about 3 yrs ago when she pulled one of her leaving situations but she wanted to call it cheating even the counselor we went to told her it wasnt smart of me but wasnt cheating…anyhow she has been all bugged out that I would do it again.. and our kids her and mine had a few issues but nothing normal families dont have…anyhow after all this do you have any advice as to rebound guy… and … omfgosh should I just try and wait him out… or after 30 days try some texts that are playful. Non preasure. Maybe even reminders of some good times…any help will be appreciated… especially with the rebound…thanks

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 2:56 pm

      First of all, great work keeping your cool even after finding out about the guy. And I recommend playful texts after 30 days. They are very effective.

  • Benjamin February 3, 2014, 9:18 am

    Hey Kevin,
    Im In the second week of NC. But the thing is that I’ve got to collect some money that she owes me. I’ve asked my friends if they could get it for me but they’re all busy. So im going to collect it myself tomorrow.

    I was just wondering how I should act. Should I acted happy, care free and ask her how she’s doing? Or just talk to her as little as possible, get the money and get out of there?

    Also there’s a chance that her new boyfriend could be at hers at the time. How do you think i should act in this situation? Thanks 🙂

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 2:57 pm

      Sorry I missed your comment. I hope it went well and you stayed calm throughout the meeting.

  • Fernando February 3, 2014, 11:02 am

    Hey kevin so just some insite on situation and the things that happend this weekend, i would deeply be greatful for your opinion on the situation, so i know i was suppose to restart a new no contact after the conversation we had basicly a fight lol so i did that but friday her mom whos been helping me under the radar without my ex knowing giving me tips and trying to talk to my ex in my favor calls me and says listen theres a concert she really wants to go to at the beach she asked me to go and i said yes as long as she would go with someone i trusted so she asked her brother and her brother said no he didnt want to go so her mom said why dont you go with fernando call him up you guys can still be friends after all, so her mom called me and told me out of the blue to ask her to go to the concert, she told me that deep inside she still loves you she is just confused shes young and scared of comitting again she doesnt know if she whats you back or be single and have fun she felt trapped dating and has a wrong ideia of you thinking you were a bore never wanted to do anything and just wanted to keep her trapped inside the house, so seeing the oportunity i talked to her thru whatsapp and invited her, i told her lets go and just have fun as friends, i always respected you it isnt gonna be diferent this time, i know you want to go, dont hold a grudge against me lets be friends, and she told me i dont want to go with you because first i know you are going out with those girls i dont like (taking it by her saying this shes been stalking my twitter pics, and convers.) and i dont think i would enjoy it at all i dont think i would have any fun with you, and i told her first if we would go togeather i wouldnt take any of those girls you dont like with us and you have a mixed imagine of me you make it seem like i am sofa bum that never whats to do anything that i am boring to be around, i told her give me a chance to prove i am not, i tryed to force it a bit and she got angry and said dont make drama about this and i started giving her reasons why it would be fun but it was pointless she kept saying no and thru it in my face again that when we were going out i never wanted to do anything and know i go out all the time she Said you might be diferent now but if we got back togeather soon enough you would turn to your old boring , controling self again, that dating turned me into that, i told her no that i was like that because of threats and because i couldnt go where she wanted but it was all pointless and she even changed the subject into saying she missed my parents and told me to give them a hug for her i told her i missed hers too and the conversation pretty much died, i tryed asking again and she said no stop asking already and i didnt want to start a fight or seem needy so i ended the conversation by saying ok relax it was just in invite i though we could be friend and have fun but i guess not good night. 5 minutes later she posts this on her twitter out of the blue “i ended up saying no dieing to say yes” obviously talking about the invite, i really dont get her, why is she being so stubburn? why all this pride? so i got upset on her reation and i invited the girl she doesnt like who is very hot and my ex seems to be jealous of to go to the concert with me and we did go togeather as friends and had a great time and we took pictures togeather and yesterday i posted them on twitter facebook and etc.. my ex didnt say anything i dont know if i did the right thing but what is done is done, please kevin give me some advice ? did i do the right thing ? what can i do to make my ex loose this fear of me becoming a bore if we get back togeather? how can i make her want to comite again instead of chasing others ? how can i get passed her stubberness and pride? yesterday i started the no contact again should i keep it for 30 days again as mentioned? feeling pretty lost right now :/ thanks for all the help kevin

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 3:02 pm

      Whenever you talk to her, don’t talk to her as if you want to prove yourself as the fun guy so you could get back together. Just tell her that you want to be friends. That’s all. Take it slow. Don’t talk about the relationship and anything serious. If she talks about it, tell her you are not asking her to get back together “you are asking her to go out as friends”.

      • fernando February 6, 2014, 8:46 am

        hey kevin, so that night that i invited her i did try to convince her that i just wanted to be her friends i tryed my best not to sound needy or bring up getting back togeather but she was in to much of in a defensive mode and she is to stubburn to proud to let her guard down and let me reapproach her, it seems like she is very afraid of going out with me and having fun and start have strong feeling for me again, i know that deep inside she still thinks about me and she is doing everything she can to try to forget me because she is scared of getting hurt again and it seems shes all confused, its been 4 days of no contact since i invited her to the concert and went with the girl she doesnt like, after i posted the pictures of the girl and I on twitter the next day my ex unfriend me so I know that the pictures did bug her, do you think i did the right thing kevin? should i keep no contact for 30 days again? or should i give it another week and try to approach her thru text messages ? thanks for all the help

        • Kevin February 6, 2014, 12:45 pm

          I think you should give her some time. At least 2 weeks, if not 30 days. You made it quite obvious that you posted pictures just to get to her, so it wasn’t the smartest move. But what’s done is done. Don’t dwell on it.

  • Jared February 3, 2014, 2:32 pm

    So my baby mom who broke up with me and left me heartbroken invited me over for a Super Bowl party at the house we use to share before he break up so I said cool cuz the past few weeks we were cool with each other and laughing n shit in the phone .. So I go over there and bring the baby home cuz I had her for a few days while she was on vacay .. So I go to the house while she was at work like she told me to.. And I go into the room we shared to get some some clothes I left and needed and I find condom wrappers on the bed and floor and panties on the side of the bed .. N this made me furious not because she had sex cuz I already knew it was a possibility but the fact that the condom wrappers were In the bed mad it worse like she told me she had sex before I moved out and I was ok with it n was like ok fuck it I can move in but when I actually saw the evidence n made me worse .. And I was doing good not talking to her and minimal contact and not checking fb or twitter and after I found the wrappers I went back into this depression state of mind n I really don’t know how to get back or the pain hurts more now then when she broke up with me

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 3:04 pm

      Hey Jared,

      Sorry it had to be this way. It’s painful, I know. But give yourself some time to process the information and let your anger subside. You’ll start feeling better soon enough.

  • Chris February 3, 2014, 5:38 pm

    Hello, Kevin.

    I have conducted “No Contact” for less than 3 months. I did it for myself; however, she has been sending me text messages; I replied once and that’s it. We were going to meet each other so I can see how her dog was doing after a surgery; however, she cancelled it and told me that later on we could meet each other for that. Meanwhile we were communicating through texting I told her that I did not want to cause friction in her new relationship and she was like “my relationship? We are only friends”. However, after a couple of days, she wrote in her status “you are the one” with his, I suppose so, initial on it. I am not sure of the name of the guy, but quite after she broke up with me, she told me that she was seeing somebody else. What do you think of her actions? I haven’t contact her at all for a possible reconciliation (even though I do not want to have the reconciliation really quick, for I want to take it step by step). I am planning to do so because I am scared that she might think that I gave up or do not care at all. My relationship lasted less than 4 years–we had a pretty strong connection. We suffered a terrible crash accident; both of us came out alive. No scratches. I believe my relationship deserves another chance, for the rupture was caused due to lack of attention. We are 23 years old. What would you do if you were in my case?

    Any perspective/help would be greatly appreciated.

    Best regards.

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 3:06 pm

      Well, start contact with her slowly with text messages and build attraction.

  • Leon February 4, 2014, 5:14 am

    Thank you for your article, this is give me more hope that i’m going the right way 🙂
    My relationship is just a short term one
    Me and her are working together in a restaurant, we went on a date after 2 months knowing each other, she has been staying single for 2 yrs, so i’m the person that make her want to be in relationship again. After that we became a couple, but she got stolen by my friend and we broke up after 1 month. You might say i’m not right for her but the reasons we broke up is from my asshole friend. He set me up for everything. He told her that i was busy chasing 2 other girls and didn’t have time for her, while the fact is i was busy for my school work and i also told her that. He also tried to set me up on a date with another girl but i didn’t do it. We hang out some time, he saw us kissing but still asked me if there is anything between us, all i said is “nothing, it’s not your business, why do you care about this?”, then he told her that i’m not serious for this relationship and i just wanted her for sex. It’s true that we had sex 4 times out of 6 time i took her out, but she was always the one who started. Anyway, she still fell for those lies and like him because he spent more time with her while i was busy, so we broke up even though i proved to her that everything he said is lie. She cried a lot and said it’s late now, she likes him better.
    I was really sad and pissed off. After breaking up, i shave off my head and hadn’t talked to her for 2 weeks, but there is no way i could let her go with an asshole like that, and also she was the girl that made me fall in love again after 1 year, so i decided to get her back. The bad thing is we work together some times, so the first 2-3 weeks i tried to keep the conversation with at minimum. During that time,i tried to refreshed my self: going to the gym, retraining martial art, keep me busy with school work. After that she tried to talk to me again and wanted to make it normal. So i talked but kept the conversation short and nothing about emotion. The reason she dropped me because she felt i didn’t care about her enough, so i started to care about her slowly. I acted cool and tried to open more things about me that she didn’t know yet. The way that i made her like me is i always joked around and made her smile when she worked with me, so i started to do it again. I texted her on the phone and tried to keep it short, and my texts are just to care about her, but nothing to far like emotion or relationship. At first she took some time to reply, but later she replied as soon as she got the messages, but i still keep the conversation short 🙂
    2 days ago, we had a party for employees at our restaurant, she came with that guy and her friends. We drank and sang karaoke. After a while, that guy left for some reasons, and since then she tried to stay closed to me, yes she was a little drunk. When i sang, she came up to sang with me; i sang and hugged her, she didn’t resist and i could feel that she wanted to lay her head on my chest. We were singing and dancing for about 20-30 mins, her friend asked to bring her home but she said she wanna stay. They left and we kept singing and dancing, she hugged me then suddenly backed up, i glanced and saw her boyfriend sitting in the back and watched. She came talk to him, then he brought her home. I know she still want to be with me, after she left i texted her that “she was great, and i wish she could stay longer”. The day after she texted me that she wanted to stay, she had a lot of fun, but she had school in the morning, we have a short conversation, she said she was tired from school and she had to work later, so i took her shift and worked for her if she would buy me a drink. She agreed on that and said i’m the best 🙂
    That’s my whole story, after reading this article, i think i need your advises. Have i done it right up until now? for the next step, should i text her more often? right now i make short conversation with her 1 a week, each conversation is about 5-15 messages. It’s valentine, i want to give her flower on Feb 12th, i will make it anonymously, but she surely will know it is me, is this a good step? Your advises are the biggest help for me at this moment 🙂

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 3:12 pm

      You’ve been doing great so far. Carry on with the text messages and try to increase the frequency twice a week. I am not so sure about the flowers but I think in your case, they might work to your advantage.

      • leon February 7, 2014, 4:45 am

        thank you Kevin 🙂
        things are not happening as i expected, she was sick after the party and i seemed to overdo it, texted her that i want to come by and make her soup. Now i feel like she’s trying to keep a distance from me again (didn’t reply my text, her bf stayed with her when i and her were working together), i don’t know if that was a mistake. Flowers now are like a two edge knife for me, i’m hesitating if i should do it or not.
        Anyway, i guess i have to try more to control my emotion or i will fail again 🙁

        • Kevin February 7, 2014, 4:57 pm

          Don’t go for the flowers if she is pulling away. Back off for a while and then contact her again.

          • Leon February 12, 2014, 4:09 am

            Thank you Kevin, but it’s valentine day, should i do something to show her that i care about her? because the problem was she thought i had never been serious with her. We work together 2-3 days a week, when i back off, i feel it’s harder to get back in touch with her to the point that i left.

          • Kevin February 14, 2014, 1:55 pm

            Don’t contact her on Valentine’s unless you are already on the verge of getting back together.

          • Leon February 17, 2014, 4:32 pm

            i risked myself for the flowers 🙂
            she liked it and was very happy, the day after she talked with me a lot and asked me to bring her home after work.
            but 2 days after, i feel she keeps distance from me again, when i started a conversation, she tried to keep it short. There is something holding her back, i guess that’s her relationship. I feel things are getting complicated for me now.

          • Kevin February 18, 2014, 10:44 am

            Whenever she goes cold, you should back off for a while and then contact her again.

          • Leon February 25, 2014, 6:39 am

            should i make her jealous by talking and flirting other girls like i used to do to her while i care less about her? not really flirting but like making jokes around another girl, i feel like she’s trying to put me into friendzone so i talked less to her, and sometime i ignored.

          • Kevin March 3, 2014, 2:04 pm

            It might help unless you make it completely obvious that you are doing it to make her jealous. A better approach will be to actually start dating other girls. Without telling her. She will eventually find out and will get jealous.

  • Noel February 4, 2014, 3:56 pm

    So, my story is one that is extremely confusing. My girlfriend and I, well ex now, we dating for almost 3 years. We have been through more than most married couples have…including medical issues, she is an alcoholic and has received a DUI…we were basically the it couple. People were envious of who we were. Well, at the very beginning there was this girl who my ex was sort of talking to the night we met. My ex has known this girl since they were in high school together and always apparently had a “thing” for each other but never really pursued it. Well, my ex ended up choosing me. We dated for almost 3 years. We had plans to be married, have kids..she was my absolute world. Well, I just recently found out that during the 3 years we were dating, she cheated on me with this same girl like 5 different times within our entire relationship. I told her in the very beginning to just have no contact with this girl because I knew the girl had a tremendous thing for my ex and my ex agreed not to talk to her. Welll, I just recently found out that they’d talk every 2-3 months. She cheated on me with her at least 5 times within the 3 year relationship. So we broke up, she tried like twice to say she wanted to work on things with only me, but I always caught her still texting that other girl. Lies, lies, and lies. It never stopped. So now, they’re official now. But my ex is still a raging alcoholic. She called me actually the other morning say she had been drinking all weekend and was wasted at 11am. She tells me that she’s messed up in the head…doesn’t know what she wants…and thinks I should move on. She blames the cheating on me and that she lost feelings for me along the way because she felt like I was just her best friend. But we were together for 3 years…I just can’t imagine it. She talks to me when she isn’t around this girl. I just don’t know what to do. She is going to rehab soon and I feel like we will never get the chance to truly see how things could be when she is in a healthy state of mind. I mean, she is with this other girl. And tells me to move on, but says she still loves me and that maybe our time isn’t over. Does she really love this girl? Is our huge commitment of a relationship really over?

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 3:16 pm

      Hey,

      I think she still loves you and that girl is just providing her comfort. You still have a chance of reconciliation but unfortunately you can’t do anything unless she cleans up her act.

  • Jarred February 5, 2014, 3:17 am

    Hey kevin

    First off my situation with my ex is still the same but I’m feeling worse now, i saw her today and i think she has seen me also but only for a brief second i didnt make eye contact and i also kept my head up to show that im still confident but the pain was unbearable when i came back home.

    I still feel like there is no hope she said it herself after i got a friend to ask her and see what was going on ( i know it sounds pathetic) she told my friend that she is over me and has moved on could it be that my ex knew my friend was asking for me to bring me down? Also your last comment for me said that you think there is still a chance for me.. How can that be its been over a week since i was blocked from her completely and i would to know another thing is it possible after those mixed emotions she had sent for me like block/unblock and block again could it be possible that she MIGHT unblock again but its stupid to ask but if she did what would be the reason for it if she had already blocked me completely? (Also: im the only ex blocked from her.. Why is that?)

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 3:18 pm

      Of course she knew you were asking through the friend. And the reason you are the only ex blocked is because you are the only ex who is trying to contact her. I think she’ll unblock you again if you just stay away from her for a while. Give it a month.

  • liam February 5, 2014, 11:23 am

    What do you make of the whole friend request that she sent me and cancelled straight away then? Should I ask her about it or leave it and see if anything else happens?

    • Kevin February 5, 2014, 3:20 pm

      Don’t ask her about it. She’ll just say, she did it by mistake. What will you gain from it? Maybe she is trying to mess with you again, or maybe it was a mistake. No one can tell. And asking about it is of no use.

      • liam February 5, 2014, 9:00 pm

        I guess you’re right, to be honest I don’t think she would even admit it being an accident as that would be admitting that she looked at my profile which I don’t get why she is if she’s moved on. I think she’d probably just ignore me but I’d still be interested to see how she would react to it. On other news I’ve gone on dates with other girls. It has given me more confidence again but at the same time it still makes me feel that I want my ex back but it still feels like she’s slipping further and further away into my past 🙁 just wish we were back in contact so I could at least ve trying to build attraction back.

  • milton February 5, 2014, 10:09 pm

    Kevin.
    im 25, shes 23. i have been with this girl for the last 3 years and a half. Many things happened in between, like broke up a couple of time because of distance but this year things were going good so far. until one day when we argue right after christmas and told me she doesnt know anymore about us. after that i leave her space, then she contact me like for 3 days super nice, then again nothing at all. then in january 16th i found out a pic in this guy instagram ( holding her) and i got mad and told her that i was going to see her the next sunday in her house. but when i went to see her, she wasnt there. the parents told me she left the house with this guy (she told me several times in the past that she was tired of leaving at home) and the parents couldnt convince her to come back. So two days ago she post in facebook that she loves him and i noticed that her last love poems where about this guy and i freak out completely. So i try to cool down because she wasnt talking to me at all, and i send her a letter that i wanna be friends with her etc etc. (she doesnt know that i know that she moved with the guy, family members told me) . So today out of nowhere she decided to text me and she said that she misses me as a friend, and wish we could talk as friends too. she said she has lot of things to tell me, that they gonna hurt her and me… but more me probably, and please stay as friends cuz she need it. then we talk a little about other random stuff and now im waiting here for her to leave work.
    shes a very complicated girl with some emotionals disorders, and for what i heard she visit the family and said shes sad, so hopefully she comes back.
    What should i do now? i love her with all my heart, and i know i can make her the happiest woman. this guy doesnt study, lives in a rented house, drinks and smoke. im an athlete, about to get a job willing to do anything to be with her.
    please help
    thanks

    • Kevin February 6, 2014, 12:39 pm

      Hey Milton,

      You have to be careful not to be friendzoned. I think she might be expecting you to listen to her talk about her new boyfriend even though it’ll hurt you. From what I read, you didn’t apply no contact for 30 days. So start with that.

      • milton February 7, 2014, 6:13 pm

        so right after i post this, she removed the facebook relatinship status and i ask her why now and she said: i dont wanna talk about it right now, im not ready yet. and she said: please support me, no one talks to me, i feel lonely. and right after that she ask me to change subject. so i did and we have a pretty good conversation during the whole day
        Thing is this we always been together, we never being just friends, even though if she wanna be. chemestry will naturally appear. And well i ll follow this new thing call friendship.
        On the other hand, yesterday (since she didnt have work) i sent her some like funny messages but she didnt reply, and i know she was free because all day she was posting new stuff in fb.
        my question is: should i wait her to text me? or i should try every other day? or ignore her if she needs me? I gotta do something and stay strong, the family is suffering and im suffering more from both things, shes not with me and shes not at home.

        • milton February 8, 2014, 8:14 pm

          she contact me today, like she started the conversation, asking me for confidence about the way she looks. and then told me that my advice really helped.

        • Kevin February 9, 2014, 7:39 pm

          IMO, she’s trying to put you in the friendzone. I hope I’m wrong and the chemistry between you two reignites the spark. But I still think no contact is a better option in your situation.

          • Dylan May 18, 2014, 1:23 am

            Ok, sorry im doing this in someone elses post but i need help, my girlfriend from almost a year had broke up with me last month in april and i started beating myself up for it, we had talked for a while but then suddenly she completely shut me out, turns out she had gotten a new bf( that her friend set her up with) and it kinda drove me over the edge, i had stopped talking with her for a while and when i had txt her agian she was acting indiferent about me, and i tried to see why but she told me she had moved on but i dont think thats true because of how close we had bein when we was dating. I plan on doing the no contact for month but im afriad i might lose her completly, cause i feel like she might be the one that makes me happy, cause i honestly cannot think of any other girl but her. Please help me if i should go ahead with it and not talk with her for a while of stay talking with her.

          • Kevin May 21, 2014, 6:11 pm

            You should do no contact. She will not forget you so soon. Her new boyfriend is probably a rebound.

  • momo February 6, 2014, 4:22 am

    I came out of a1.5 year relationship. She had her flings afterwards and now is dating someone. We broke up 10 months ago and I think she stated dating 5 months after. I dought this is a rebound. Im totally screwed aren’t I?

    • Kevin February 6, 2014, 12:41 pm

      It’s been a long time since the breakup so there is a good chance it isn’t a rebound. You can still try to get her back, but don’t let the hope of getting back together control your life.

  • liam February 6, 2014, 3:13 pm

    Do you have any tips for me to try and get contact again? It all just feels like she’s gone for good.

    • liam February 6, 2014, 7:17 pm

      And do you still think it’s a rebound? They’ve been together for over 3 months now

    • Kevin February 7, 2014, 5:11 pm

      Well, contacting her again is only going to bring more obsession for you and more ego satisfaction for her, so I won’t recommend contacting her. If you must contact her, do the same thing you did last time. Just this time, don’t look needy at all and don’t fall for her traps.

  • Jarred February 7, 2014, 12:08 am

    Hey kevin

    Thanks for the advice so far its helped me through my days of being down i havent spoken to her since all of the blocks and only seen her once but she seemed happy.

    The thing is im not sure now that she is dating someone because it says she is still single and i only found out that there might be someone else through that friend when i wanted to know what was going on, and you told me that my ex of course knew that i asked my friend to snoop around for me.
    Well my question is could that also have been said to hurt me (even if it says she is single on her blog) also im afraid of writing to her on facebook (because idk her email) and well i wrote her a letter awhile back ago and she read it but threw it away thats why idk if i should still email her or not because i might also be seen as “desperate” or “needy” still and i dont want that, or to get blocked on another social media.

    Im still going to do NC with her do you think that i should still email her and is it a good sign that she blocked me because it still shows emotion on her end?

    Thanks for the advice

    • Kevin February 7, 2014, 5:05 pm

      Yeah, it’s a good sign. If you are not sure about email, how are you expecting to contact her after no contact?

  • Raul February 7, 2014, 7:32 am

    Hey Kevin,

    I was thinking about what you said about giving an ultimatum, that I should mean it. And that if I stopped contact with her at that point, I will have a better chance of her missing me and contacting me. I also recalled that when I called my ex, she said she wouldn’t be able to see me until I was “mentally stable”, so I thought to myself: what better way to show her than I’m over her than moving away from her?

    So my ex called me back yesterday like she said she would. She asked me about my day and she even talked about going to a concert together on March. But then, I told her that I really meant my decision, and that I want to move away from her. I also explained that I called her because I didn’t want her to feel bad. I told her that I blocked her from FB and erased her number to make sure she knows I mean it. She started chocking up and she hung up before I could even finish.

    I’m kinda glad you didn’t respond in time, because if I decided to keep in touch with her, then I would be in the same place I used to be, maybe even worse. Don’t take me wrong, your advices have helped me a LOT. But the only thing in my way to get my ex back was her new boyfriend, and the the main reason that a rebound relationship doesn’t last is because the rebound person still has feelings for the ex and they haven’t had closure (as far as I know). This could actually work as a real No Contact time because we never had a real one, besides there’s no going back now…

    I feel more calm now because now I don’t have to worry about her. From my point of view, I think I did the right thing, but I’d like to know your opinion on my situation and some advice on what I should do now.

    • Kevin February 7, 2014, 4:56 pm

      Hey Raul, If you are feeling more calm now and feel a sense of relief, then you absolutely did the right thing. If you contact her now, you’ll be going back on your words. The best thing to do right now is to concentrate on moving on and talk to her only if she contacts you.

      • Raul February 10, 2014, 8:53 am

        Hey Kevin,

        I had a great weekend. I went to the beach with my family to celebrate my grandmother’s birthday and I uploaded a photo with my dad. My ex must have been stalking me, because just after I uploaded the pic, she texted me this:

        “I noticed that you blocked me from FB and erased our photos together. I’ll respect your reasons, I just feel sad to see how things ended up. I realized that I’m dead to you now. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I’ll never erase any of our photos because I will cherish them forever. You will always count on me, be it today, tomorrow, next week, months or even years. I’ll never forget you. I wish you all the best because you deserve it. Bye”

        It’s clear that she’s missing me. And now I don’t even care when she will break up with her boyfriend, because the answer is when I am TRULY happy with my life. I feel great now, my self esteem is better than ever. I just wonder every now and then what she is thinking of.

        Boy, is she gonna have a surprise on Valentine’s Day when she finds out I was on a date. What should I do if she sends me a hate text? It’s very probable she will, because she’s very jealous.

        • Kevin February 10, 2014, 5:27 pm

          Hey,

          That’s pretty good. If she sends you a text, do not reply. She chose someone else over you and you told her you’ll cut her from your life. So replying to her texts is only going to make it look like you are going back on your words. If you do that, one of two things is going to happen,

          1. She is going to try to get back with you and will be ready to break up with her boyfriend for you.
          2. She will continue missing you and obsessing over you for a long time and then move on.

          I hope you are OK with both scenarios.

  • Kyle February 7, 2014, 2:28 pm

    Hey Kevin, first of all I just want to thank you for helping me through all of this. I really appreciate what you’ve done for me and for writing this article. You’re awesome!

    Im now on day 15 of NC. The past few days I’ve been thinking about whether or not I actually want her back. Now I’ve come to the conclusion that I dont! After all she left me for another guy.. why would I want someone like that back!? I deserve better than that! I’m so happy about myself right now that I’m actually greatful that she broke up with me. I can honestly say that im NEVER going to contact her again.

    So I just wanted to say thank you Kevin. I couldn’t have got here without you’re help and support. Im forever in your debt! 🙂

    • Kevin February 7, 2014, 4:47 pm

      Congrats Kyle. And thanks for appreciating my work. Cheers!

  • Marco February 7, 2014, 5:22 pm

    hi, its been 6 weeks since we broke up and about 3 weeks NC. I know i shouldnt have but i noticed that she has untagged herself from all but a couple of the pictures on facebook we had together even though we didnt have a bad break up. What does this mean and does it change anything in terms of getting her back?

    • Kevin February 9, 2014, 7:29 pm

      Doesn’t change much. Maybe she’s expecting to get a reaction out of you. Maybe she is trying to make herself feel like she is moving on. Maybe she is actually moving on. No one can say for sure. But your strategy should still remain the same because if your react to it, it’s only going to hurt your chances.

  • dan February 7, 2014, 5:45 pm

    I’m just looking for some other advise on this to see if I am being wrong about wanting her back. Did have a look though but thought it better to say my own story.

    Well it all started when I started uni. She said the first day and time she saw me she fell for me. At the time she had a bf. Only for a couple of months at the time. We started talking and stuff and got close. She said her current bf was mistreating her. I was supporting her as anyone would. It got to Christmas and we both wanted to go out. She finally left him just after and we kinda hit it off straight away. We had been together 2 years when she finished it at the same time with me. We had started to drift but I think because there was no talking about the problems. I had noticed she was texting a friend of ours a lot and they started to hang out at the uni. ( I have left and got a job but she is continuing) they got closer as she kinda pushed me away. Then on new years she said he had asked her to lambing. ( farmer thing about helping lambs get born.) shes in to animals very much and so is he. She then after no arguments in the two years, then out of the blue argued over something small like she wanted to and then phoned me up the next day and finished it. Now after less than two weeks she is going out with him.

    A week before she finished it we went to the cinema with the ‘uni gang’ and he was there. She paid all her attention to him and nothing to me.

    We suited each so well it would always be us two. Not one without the other, we have so much in common and I thought she was the one. I had started to think about the next steps but she just fell for him. She hated him in the first year. But seems not now. I am in a mess but slowly recovering. Seems she was slowly putting me behind to then just move on.

    I wanted to know is there a pattern emerging with her doing this? I really do want her back to just sort it all out. Family and friends now really hate her but I still see her as before and love her.

    5 months ago my grandad had a stroke and is still ongoing, my job has been stressful so I think this impacted on her and ‘us’ and she left for a happy face. We had not been seeing each other as much as when we were both at uni together but I thought we were just going to the next step and settling down more.

    I did contact her to try and sort it out after 5 days but she said not now. (before she went with him) she then removed all her photos of me on fb and has just bleached me. I do know she has been viewing my fb, but since I removed them both I can’t tell. She still messages my friends and things. But they now know what she done so they are not paying attention.

    I’m trying to work out if I want her back, or is it just a reaction. I don’t know if I could trust her again. She was always the one going to me about if another woman showed attention she would fend her off but she seemed to not think that rule was for her aswell.

    Am I right to want her back or is she just not the one for me?

    Thank you so much.

    • Kevin February 9, 2014, 7:34 pm

      IMO, she is one of those people who jump f