The grief process might last long and may never end if you don’t really do something about it. Here is what usually happens when you are trying to get over the breakup.
After a breakup, you lose perspective and you don’t really see the relationship for what it was. For example, depending on your emotion at the moment, you might be just thinking about the good aspect of your ex. On the other hand, if you are feeling angry, you might just be concentrating on the things you didn’t like about your ex.
In reality, you are just letting your emotions control your thoughts and your feelings. Going at this pace usually takes a long time to mend your heart. In many cases, you just end up going around in circles of emotions. From sorrow to anger and sometimes even happiness.
When you are not looking at the big picture, you are just going around in circles.
But you never truly get over your breakup. Because your past relationship is still going on in your head.
You need to see your relationship for what it really was. Evaluate it and understand it. It’s not really about asking your ex’s idea about the relationship or getting closure. And no it doesn’t mean that you should just sit and think about what happened. If your thoughts are not getting you anywhere, you’ll have to do something more than just think about it.
It’s about learning from whatever happened, and moving on.
The day you stop learning is the day you stop living.
If you don’t truly understand what happened, it is very likely that your next relationship will follow the same pattern as the last one, leaving you once again heartbroken.
So when you actually do this, you are not only going to mend your broken heart, you are going to help yourself find the love, happiness and the relationship you truly deserve.
You will have to take a look at the big picture. Understand what really happened. Not the nitty grittys like what “he said during the breakup” or “how she went from I love you to It’s over”.
You need to answer 21 questions that will speed up the grief process and will put your emotions in check. These questions are specifically designed to get you past your heartbroken state and towards acceptance and moving on.
When working through these questions you will realize that you are getting over the breakup and before you know it, you will be ready and fully equipped for the relationship that you really deserve.
I have designed an e-course which you can access for FREE. Here is what you get in this e-course.
– The 21 questions you need to answer.
– Exactly when and how you should answer them.
– Accelerating the second phase of grief by a simple exercise
– Daily emails to support you and encourage you for 14 days.
To get access to this course click below.
Hello,
I’ve been receiving the emails from the e-course up until the 15th (“It’s your life”), email, but It’s been two days and I haven’t got any more emails.
Do you know what might have happened? Those emails have helped me a lot, and I’d really like to complete the e-course.
Thank you,
Osvaldo
Hey Osvaldo,
I am so sorry but I never got the time to complete the email series. I’ll be adding more emails as soon as I can find some time. Meanwhile, try some other resources online. I recommend the book “Getting past your breakup” by Susan Walsh.
No problem man. Thanks a lot for all the info.
And Happy Valentine’s Day.
Hey Kevin let me just say for starters out of all the people in the world that know about relationships I have NEVER EVER met somebody with your expertise. I have already read and memorize all your steps. I fell SO in love with the thought that this process will help me I even read your whole website twice. but there are some things that I want you to go over with me personally and more specifically and to let me know I still have a chance. I’m gonna tell you EVERYTHING for perfect advice.
So here it goes…. I’ll start with the bad. me and my ex girlfriend dated for 2 years and within that period there have been constant physical fights, cursing each other out, and constant makeup break ups. I was lazy, couldn’t keep a job, both my cars gave out over carelessness abd I had a huge ego and I did hit her repeatedly. Not horribly but enough to make her think I was and kinda still thinks I’m obsessive and controlling. She ALSO had major flaws, she would hit me when I didn’t touch her, she constantly flirted with other guys behind my back and because of her mouth our relationship had absolutely NOOO privacy. I can understand the hitting part but she told them EVERYTHING everytime something happened and because of that most of her family dislikes me and wouldn’t get paid a million dollars to tell her I’m the man for her.
Every time I was so sorry for something and miserable she did always take me back. Maybe not the next 2 days but we always ended up being back together. Probably an estimate of around 30 make up break ups in 2 years. Now here’s the good part. We had A LOT of good memories, we were best friends as well as lovers. I mean we fart together lol. Also even though we had our times in hell we both knew we were in love and we didn’t wanna break that. We have SOOOO much in common. Our birthdays are 1 day (I Repeat) 1 day apart. March 3rd and March 4th. Our siblings died in the same year only 5 months apart. We were JUST alike. Kind, sweet, and humble, but we were both ready to erupt like volcanoes. And to finally top it off we have a beautiful baby girl. Now back to the bad…. my ex is now with somebody else.
And what kills me and I hate to say it, he’s an awesome guy. Even to me. Never cursed at her once, he’s sweet, girls love him, he has a nice car, and money. And no it’s not a rebound relationship. Kevin, I take a bike to work, I’m not financially stable for my daughter, and I screwed up so many times. The only reason I still feel like I have a chance is because he lives in a different state and can’t have time to see her (they never even met in person) giving me enough time to get a car and get stuff done, also we have so many memories and so much in common, and last but not least we have a daughter.
This has been the longest we haven’t dated going on our 3rd month not dating. There use to be days she couldn’t go without talking to me a whole day. Now she makes it look so freakin easy it kills me. Everytime I text her she either says only 2-3 words or doesn’t reply at all. She actually gives the vibe off where I am being annoying instead where it use to be she’s just angry at me. I have NEVER seen this side of her. I only went 3 days without talking to her one time. Couldn’t do it. the reason why I say that you are the best with relationships I’ve ever us because you literally pointed out EVERYTHING I was doing wrong.
They already talk about marriage. She tells him over and over again how much she loves him. I can’t sleep, I can’t do regular activities without feeling the most hurtful cramp in my heart just seeing the attention she use to give me is now with somebody else and she treats me like I don’t even exist. She said the only time she wants me to call is if it’s about my child. Which don’t get me wrong I LOVE my baby girl with all my heart and all but I don’t want that to be the ONLY reason for me to call.
I constantly beg her back, I constantly say sorry, I tell her negative things about her boyfriend, I send her old pictures of us together with poems, I shower her with every piece of my heart. Sometimes she won’t reply, sometimes she’ll say that’s sweet, and the best I’ve gotten so far is “get your stuff together and maybe I’ll fall in love with you again”. But for the first time in 2 years she won’t move an inch! Everything I tried failed. The last time I spoke to her was yesterday when I basically sent her a long message telling her it was wrong for her to break my heart and treat me like crap and I’m done crying and done being treated like a doormat and if you want him so bad then you can have him. (Hell no I don’t want her to have him). I admit I have said that over and over again so she probably just laughed at it but that was after I read your article and it gave me so much energy and confidence. But I think I got too carried away and probably should’ve just left it as is. Today is the 2nd day of the no contact rule. Sorry if I’m talking to much but I’ll end it saying this.
Kevin I’m a changed man, I’m not angry anymore, I’m not immature anymore, I really made a huge change and I realized my wrongs. They were horrible but I’ve learned. The only thing killing me is I don’t have much to prove it besides just words. I love this girl so much I would really die for her. I went as far as looking up love spells on google and I’m a Christian lol. Kevin help me get this girl back and make her snap out of her fantasy relationship. She tells me over and over were done and she doesn’t love me that way anymore. But I still think there’s something there waiting to find the right exit. I’m serious Kevin please help me get my family back together.
Hey Lj,
You need to stop telling her that you’ve changed. You will have to let her realize it on her own. Actions speak much louder than words. You should start by applying no contact for a while and follow the advice in this article and this article.
Hello, I came across your website and have begun to try and follow a lot of the steps. I’m incredibly heart broken. My girlfriend and partner of three years recently told me she was unhappy, then it is over, then we can work on it since i love you and have never loved anyone like i love you. This all following the death of my father and similar stresses on her. Prior to this break up, weeks before hand, she was telling me about how she wanted a house and a garden and wouldn’t it be nice if “…” and “i feel like i could have a child with you though i never felt i would ever want one”
two weeks later and everything is different. I didnt handle the news well, i became a ball of anxiety since we were never able to discuss what work on it meant, I left and went home to my family for two weeks to give it space, i was still trying to be sweet and kind to her, if i didnt contact her for a day or so she would contact me. after being away for a few days she called to say i miss you but i still dont know if it will work out, then a few days later explained “i want to be independent that’s why i’m breaking up with you”.
I spent two weeks away, and on the day before my return got a text that said “I moved out i’ll be back for the furniture i’m staying with a friend” i came home to find our apartment empty of all of her belongings. I’m crushed. I think she has begun dating and possibly living with a coworker. Im trying the no contact rule now but having a hard time keeping my head up, I know I need to work on myself, I’ve started jogging and am trying to start my business and follow my own goals but it’s so hard. Do you have any advice for sticking with it and keeping my head up? I’ve been home now for two days, the only thing she left me was a note on the refrigerator that said “i’m so sorry call me when you can”
Kevin,
Thank you so much for helping me realize my relationship with my ex totally sucked. Our biggest problem was the pressure we felt to try to out do each other’s nice gestures and a long with many others. I feel like I better understand why my ex just suddenly decided he needed space and we spilt up. I’m going to focus on myself and when I get all my stuff together (30 days or more), I’m going to try contacting him again. Our relationship sucked, but my ex sure didn’t. I hope we can start a new relationship in the future even if it’s just as friends. I just hope he can move on, too.
Hi Kevin. Thanks for the article. I recently broke up with someone I was seeing for a year. He was a selfish person who lied and manipulated situations to get his way, so I know I made the right decision. I am still struggling with moving on. I think I stayed with him even though he treated me poorly because I was looking for someone to make me happy, rather than being happy with myself. I just don’t know how to be happy with myself when I feel so empty. I can see this is essential for moving on and finding a better relationship where I don’t make the same mistake, but I keep feeling like I can’t do it.
My soon-t0-be-ex-wife and I were together for 5 years. We dated for 4 of those 5 years and then in August 2014, I moved to Houston to be with her. We married Dec 4, 2014. It was a rough year, with us both getting adjusted to the married life, but I always felt she was just not “INTO” our marriage. Her family disowned her for being gay just the week before I moved away – they had never known about us. Anyway, I tried and poured my heart and soul into this marriage. On my birthday, Jan 5 2o15 she told me she was no longer attracted to me, wasn’t sure she wanted our marriage (it was one f*cking year old) and that she wanted space. Since we had spent Christmas and New Years in my home country and were both due to return to Houston on Jan 8, the decision was made for her to return there and we take some “space” apart… she would start therapy and work on her issues, I would work on my issues and then when I returned, we would go to couples counselling.
Approximately 6 weeks after she returned she called me one night to tell me that she was no longer in love with me and that getting married was a mistake and she wanted a divorce. I was blindsided and have been trying to figure which way is up since then. All of my things are in Houston and I am yet to return there.
Right now, I don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other and move on. She treats me like it was I who dumped her!